Текст книги "Offbeat"

Автор книги: S. Moose

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Текущая страница: 2 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to Cabo with us?” My best friend, Mandy Scarlata, asks while we’re having dinner at Umi.

“Yes,” I tell her, “I am positive!”

She groans and stabs her shrimp with a fork and I smile, picking up a piece of my sushi and dipping the roll in soy sauce. “Seriously, how are you turning down a free trip?”

“Because I’m not ready to go out and party, Mandy.” And it’s the truth. Going out scares the shit out of me. Parties and Bayleigh don’t mix very well. Drinking and Bayleigh don’t mix either. Pretty much I’m the girl who likes to be home before dark and in her jammies, watching The Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill. Seriously, I am okay with this life.

“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes, “I think you’re being ridiculous.”

“And I love you so much,” I blow her a kiss and make her laugh. “Trust me, you don’t want to deal with me.”

“Still having the nightmares?” I nod my head. “Have you thought about seeing Jean again? She helped you so much and then you stopped seeing her. What’s up with that?”

Jean was my therapist. She was great and helped me a lot, but when she brought up Tyler and pushed me to talk about our relationship and the breakup, I had to stop seeing her. She was pushing too hard and I couldn’t handle it. She’s tried reaching out to me and I’ve ignored every phone call and email.

Thinking about Tyler hurts. Not because we aren’t together, but knowing that if we got back together, he would treat me differently. When I look at him, I don’t see us as a couple. In his eyes, I see myself as a project. I’m broken and he wants to fix me. Only, he doesn’t understand that I don’t need him to fix me. I need him to push me and take me out of this funk.

He feels like that night was his fault. That’s one of the reasons why Tyler won’t move and get on with his life. I know he’s been offered positions in California and Chicago, yet he stays in Rochester to be near me. It should make me feel good knowing he’s choosing to stay with me. But is it what he wants? That question stays on my mind. Letting him go, hoping he’d move on with his life and do better things, is my hope. Only it’s not going the way I want.

He’s slowly coming to terms with our friendship. It’s hard for him not to touch me or tell me he loves me the way he used to. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him and I miss him. I think about him all the time and going each day without Tyler is hard. The last time we were together, last Christmas, wasn’t what either of us needed. I remember the day and it stings.

I feel his hand on mine. “I’m going to wait for you.”

“Then you can’t come over anymore, Ty.”

“Why are you doing this? I can’t give up what we have. That’s my whole life, Bay,” he yells, getting up from the couch, pacing the living room. “I don’t give a shit what you think. You are it for me. Don’t you see that?”

“I am doing what I know is best. You’re too overprotective. I can’t breathe around you. Even now, you keep tabs on me and make sure I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry, am I not supposed to do that?”

“No!”

“That’s what people do when they love someone, Bay. They do everything they can to protect them from pain and suffering. I wasn’t there that night to protect you and I know you blame me.”

“How dare you say that?”

“Look into my eyes.” I do as he says. “Tell me you don’t blame me.”

“I don’t blame you, Tyler. It’s not your fault.”

“Then why can’t we be together?”

“Because we can’t.”

“You still think about him a lot?” Mandy asks, breaking me out of my Tyler trance.

“Yeah. Here and there. I guess he’s coming back home soon. That’s what his mom said, so we’ll see what happens.”

“Do you think you’ll hang out?” I shrug and finish my sushi. “You might as well. The both of you are too good of friends, or whatever you are now, to not talk. Ever think maybe, just maybe, it might help you?”

I shrug again. “Of course I do. But I don’t want to hold him back.”

“You should let him make that decision.” She chucks a piece of broccoli at my face.

“You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?” I laugh, picking up the vegetable and placing it on my plate.

“And yet,” she smiles, “you love me so much. That’s why I’m your best friend.”

She’s right. Mandy’s been my best friend since freshmen year of high school. We cheered together and played lacrosse. She was there for everything and when she was accepted to college in Chicago and I stayed back and attended Fisher, it hurt to say goodbye to my best friend. We stayed in touch and she was there for me when I needed her.

When she moved into her apartment in Webster over by the lake, she begged me to move in. I wanted to, still do. I hate living at home with my parents. With no money and zero job prospects, well I’m sure my parents would have to pay for my part of the rent. I just couldn’t do it.

On top of that, I couldn’t have her go through the night worrying about me. I wake up far too often on account of the nightmares.

Mandy’s phone rings. She reaches into her purse to get it. When she looks at her phone, excitement and giddiness are all over her face.

“Mystery man?” She nods and hurries to message him back. For the past year, she’s been seeing someone and won’t tell me or anyone who it is. Sure it bothers me and I ask her all the time if he’s some kind of serial killer who has warped her mind. Obviously I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds.

“He wants me to come over tonight and spend time with him.” There’s a hint of sadness to her voice. I’m not sure what’s going on with her. The topic of Mystery Man is touchy. She gets in a sad and funky mood when we talk about him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ugh. Everything about him is a secret. We’ve been dating, or fucking, whatever,” she brushes off her words, “and still nothing. We can’t be seen together and I can’t talk about him.”

“Wait,” I laugh, “Did you sign some type of contract?” She glares at me and looks away. “Holy shit. He’s a dominant right?”

“Shut up! And stop reading your dumb books. He’s not Christian Grey, you twatfacehooch.”

We burst out laughing and quickly change the topic to her Cabo trip, which Mystery Man is paying for. She’s totally dating a Christian Grey.

Later on, when I’m home and in my room, lying in bed with a good book, I come across a scene about the exes getting back together. It’s so intense and he’s telling her the reasons why he loves her. I reach over for tissues and blow my nose. Stupid sweet guy.

Putting down my phone, my eyelids get heavy and within seconds, I’m fast asleep.

I hear my panties rip and his hand touching my body. My body is shaking from fear and I can’t see through the tears rushing from my eyes. He has me on my stomach and he’s gripping my hair. I feel his tongue licking my body and I shudder, trying to pull away, doing everything I can to get away from him.

I can’t see his face. He ties my hands together behind my back and has complete control. No matter what I do, he has me tight in his grips. Eventually I give up and stop fighting.

“Good girl,” he whispers, touching me, invading me, “I can’t wait to feel you.” He violently pushes himself inside me. Screaming and crying only encourages him to inflict more pain and he drives deeper.

“Stop,” I mutter.

I scream in agony and feel arms pulling me up from my bed and into a hard chest.

Tyler.

“You’re okay. I’m here,” he coos, rubbing my back. As soon as I feel his touch, I’m calm and my breathing is steady once again. His scent wraps around me, clean and freshly showered. I love the subtleness of his cologne, Acqua Di Gio.

Pulling away from him, I feel his fingers wiping away my tears. The softness of his touch and the closeness of his body makes me feel like I can breathe. I feel my chest tighten knowing he’s always going to be there, but then the tightness grips my heart and I’m suffocating.

What if one day he’s not here?

When I look up, I see the smile that I love so much. It’s the worst feeling in the world, knowing you love each other and can’t be together. Every touch, every kiss, every time you feel him inside you, every laugh, every smile-those are the moments that you keep and you push away the moments when you felt dead and broken. It’s too painful to be without him. I need to learn how to live on the memories we had, what we were.

“Hi,” I breathe, holding his hand, “sorry you had to see that.” I pause and cock my head to the side, “Wait, what are you doing here?”

“I was at the door when I heard you screaming, so I used my spare key and came inside. I’m sorry if you’re upset I’m here.”

The hesitation in his voice hurts. I try not to flinch. Resting my hand on his knee, I stroke it with my thumb, reassuring him I still need him. “No Ty. I’m not. Thanks for waking me up.” I show him a soothing smile and scoot off my bed. “Let me shower and get ready. Want to get breakfast? I feel like getting crepes.”

“Yeah, sounds like a plan. I’ll wait downstairs for you.”

“Okay.” I watch him leave and head to the bathroom connected to my bedroom. Turning the knob to the faucet, cool water fills the sink. I take a handful of water and splash it on my face, waking me up, and bringing me back to reality.

People say that when bad things happen, we have to let that go and try to move on and live again. They don’t talk about the long road of healing and the nightmares that follow. They don’t talk about how your whole life changes and you become someone you don’t know or love. There’s a healing process and everyone handles trauma in their own way. These people say with time everything will be okay and one day we’ll be strong and be able to move on. I think that those people never experienced what I did. It’s all bullshit. Life is fucking unfair and targets good people who have dreams and goals. Life doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s all a game of tag. Tag, you’re it! Now your life is going to suck and you’re going to be alone.

When I close my eyes, I see his face and smell his breath. His words refuse to leave and are resting inside my head. It plays on and on. It’s a never ending nightmare and I can’t wake up. No matter what I do, no matter whom I talk to, he’s the one I see, feel and hear. I feel his hands grasping my neck and weight against my body.

I pinch my cheeks and force myself to look in the mirror and repeat what I’ve been repeating every day. “It’s okay,” I tell myself, “you’re going to be okay. Every day you’re getting stronger. Even though this is a setback, it doesn’t mean you’re going to fail again.” Pressing my hand on the mirror, I stare at my reflection for a moment longer. “Do you hear me? You are going to be make it through this and you are going to be okay. It takes time and soon all this pain will be worth it.”

Finishing my shower and putting myself together, I walk down the stairs and through the foyer to find a cup of coffee and a single yellow rose sitting on the counter. Lifting the rose to my nose, I take a deep breath and let the fragrance sink in. Looking around, I don’t see Tyler. Grabbing the mug, I walk outside to the deck and see him by the tire swing.

“Hey,” I shout, getting his attention, “thank you for the coffee and rose.” He smiles in response and I sit on the tire swing, waiting for him to push me.

Feeling his hand on my back, feeling the slight push he gives me, I spread out my legs and bend them back when I’m swinging backwards. It’s peaceful out here with him. We aren’t talking about the breakup or when we’ll get back together. No. We’re simply enjoying each other’s company and living in this moment.

“I can’t believe it’s already August,” I say, sipping on my coffee and bringing the rose to my nose. That’s Tyler’s thing. He brings me a rose at random times. I never know when I’ll get one. When we were dating the roses were red, and now I get yellow roses. “Only like five more weeks of summer.” Stopping myself from swinging, I turn around and face him. I can’t read the expression on his face or see his eyes behind the sunglasses.

“Yeah, it’s crazy how we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together,” he mumbles.

Needing to change the topic, I get up and reach my hand out for his. “Still up for breakfast?”

“Sure. Whatever you want,” he answers, and takes my hand. It’s a perfect fit and if things were different, we’d be together.

Holding her, feeling her, comforting her, is what’s keeping me here. It’s been too long since I’ve seen her. When I got back home from California a few weeks ago, I wasn’t ready to see her right away. I took a vacation to New York City with my mom, to get away and refocus. Since our breakup, we only talk here and there.

When she sent me the breakup letter, I went home that weekend to make her see the mistake she had made. I left the next day, feeling emptier. I worked my ass off and refused to come home. My mom came to California to visit. She understood and asked me to come home for Christmas. I did and instantly regretted it. After that argument, I decided visiting home wasn’t smart, so I stayed away. As hard as it was to be away from her, it gave me a better insight. If I keep pushing her, making her be the same Bayleigh that she was before, I’ll lose her.

The thing about being friends is, the more time I spend with her, the more I fall deeper in love. I’ve been back for three days and this is the first time I’ve seen her since our falling out. It’s hard to forget the way her looks make me feel or how her lips curve into an innocent smile. The way she smells attacks my senses and her skin is creamy and soft like I remember. Her body is more toned and her legs, damn her legs, are still long, tanned and shapely. She’s always been a fitness junkie, but after that night, she put her focus into kickboxing and lifting instead of strict cardio. She looks great and I can’t help myself thinking about her and having her again. But it’s the way she looks at me with her big, hazel eyes, that gets me every time.

When she finishes her coffee, we head to my Jeep and I drive the short distance to Simply Crepes.

”Are you still a health freak?” I tease her, opening the menu and wanting to devour everything in sight.

She laughs and I enjoy that feeling of putting the smile on her face and the laugh in her chest. It’s the best feeling in the world, better than making love, because she’s happy and when she’s happy, that means she’s that much closer to being mine again.

“Cheat day,” she winks, licking her lips, “I want everything.”

We put in our orders and talk about California and New York City. When I mention Serena randomly during our conversation, her eyes tilt and I know that resting bitch face look. I use Serena as leverage to get a rise out of her. I’m not trying to be a douchebag or an asshole. Serena knows this, but Bayleigh doesn’t. So I continue to drop her name hoping it will cause a spark of jealousy and bring her back to me.

“Yeah, Serena and I went hiking before I left and tried out this new club with a few friends. It was actually a lot of fun. She wants to come out and visit. What do you think?”

“Whatever you want. She sounds like a lovely girl.” Bayleigh smiles and adverts her eyes to the paper in front of her. She takes a blue crayon and doodles. I sit back and watch her, like I’ve done so many times before. Sometimes we don’t need words. Just sitting here with her, watching what she loves to do, is simple and meaningful.

After we’re done eating, I drive back home. Part of me wants to spend more time with her and the other part wants distance. It’s still not easy being her friend.

“Thanks again for today,” she smiles and unbuckles her seatbelt.

“Yeah no problem.” I do the same and follow her from my house to hers.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Do what?”

“Walk me back to my house,” she says without looking at me, “it’s not that far of a walk. I’ll be fine.” I hear a hint of annoyance in her tone. I don’t get it. We were fine today and laughing. Why is it a big deal? She doesn’t look at me and it stings a little too much.

“Fine,” I walk backwards, “have a good day.”

And just like that, my decision to go back to California for work is easier.

Me: Looks like I’ll be back in Cali. I’ll text Brian in a few

Serena: Sounds good. Can’t wait to see you again . . . Things turn out bad with her?

Me: Of course . . . That’s how it is between us. Shit will never change

Serena: It’ll be okay . . . Just give it more time. You can’t expect her to come crawling back to you even though that’s what you want. Everything happens for a reason

Me: Yeah I guess

Sitting at home, I’m randomly flipping through channels, trying to get my mind off today, and decide nothing’s working. Not wanting to sit around the house, I grab my keys and head downtown to meet the guys. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with them and a night out is what I need to rid my mind of Bayleigh.

Walking in, my friends see me and cheer.

“Tyler fucking Scott,” my best friend Joe shouts coming over, handing me a beer and giving me a man hug. “Bro, I’m surprised you’re out now. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” I agree, “just got back from NYC with my mom. About to head back to Cali soon.”

“Living the dream. So what’s up?”

We talk for a little and I catch him up about work, doing my best to avoid any mention of Bayleigh.

“Have you heard from Ryan?” Antonio, another good friend of mine, asks.

I ball my fists and finish my beer, following three shots of tequila. Shaking my head I look up and answer. “Na, and I don’t fucking plan on it. That loser is dead to me.”

“Still got bad blood between the two of you?”

“The hate isn’t going away,” I tell the guys. “You don’t pull the shit he does and expect to be forgiven.”

“Man, I don’t know how you can hold a grudge against him,” Joe states. “I get it. He fucked up and all, but sometimes you got to let it go.”

“Not happening.” Ryan will never be forgiven. That asshole is the reason that Bayleigh’s messed up. Not only do I blame Tony, but I blame Ryan. He had one thing to do that night and he couldn’t do it.

I order another round for us and the night goes on. After drinks at Murphy’s Law, we head down the street to a club called ONE. It’s pretty busy tonight and we see a few more friends from high school.

Ordering another round of drinks, I feel soft hands stroking my back. I turn around and see Cherie smiling at me.

“Well, well, looks who’s out to play.”

I smile back and give her a hug. “What’s up girl? What’s new?”

“Nothing. In town visiting my parents. You?”

“Same.” I hand her a drink and tell the bartender to keep my tab open, “I’m heading back to Cali soon though.”

“Nice. Looks like you’re doing bigger and better things.”

“You too. I saw your status about traveling to Italy for a fashion show.”

She blushes and looks away. Back in high school we were all pretty good friends, then college came and we tried keeping in touch. If it wasn’t for Facebook or Instagram, I’d have no idea what my friends were doing.

“Thanks. I’m excited and scared. Hey, how’s Bayleigh? You know I tried reaching out to her and never heard anything back.”

“Yeah,” I rub the back of my head, “she’s hanging in there. She doesn’t really talk to anyone. Shit, she barely talks to me.”

“Fuck, I thought the both of you would be married or something by now. I remember the two of you in high school. Class couple, Prom King and Queen. The perfect couple.”

I wince and turn back to order a shot. I needed more to get the memories out of my head. The bartender hands me my shot and I drink it fast.

“Yeah, shit happens,” I answer.

“I’m sorry, Tyler. If you ever need to talk, let me know,” she says, rubbing my arm.

“I smell skanks all over,” a familiar voice makes me look up and I shake my head, slowly pulling away. “Get out of here slutbag,” Mandy orders and Cherie rolls her eyes.

“Talk to you soon,” she winks at me and walks away.

“You’re back and already the skanks are cornering you, I see.”

“Hello to you too, beautiful.” I give Mandy a hug and we walk to an empty table in the corner. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Yeah well, here I am. The girls wanted to go out before our Cabo trip, which by the way, the lovely Bayleigh decided against.” She groans, “We had dinner the other night. She looks good, Ty.”

“She did and then apparently walking her to the fucking door is offensive and she lost her shit. Today was great, and then she copped an attitude with me,” I explain. “So I’m heading back to Cali. I might as well move there, since almost every time she sees me, it’s bad.”

“Tyler, is that the best thing?” I nod. “You sure?” I nod again.

I can’t keep playing this cat and mouse game with her. She knows how I feel and I know how I feel. There’s no one else for me. The way she looks at me is something I’ve never been able to explain. Seeing her today, and that fucking smile, and that fucking body. I went home and jerked off. Images of her lips on me, and whispering my name, fucks with my head. I remember the way she felt when I was inside her. The warmth around my cock and her little moans. My girl wasn’t quiet and she loved hearing me tell her what I wanted. When we were together, I was in control and she gave me everything I desired. Whenever I see her, that’s all I can see and feel. The sexual desire I have for her and wanting her to be mine again. Her lips. Her eyes. That ass of hers. Everything is mine, even if she doesn’t see it that way.

“She’s not ready for me to be back and that’s fine. I’m good. Trust me. I’ve been without her for a year, what’s a little more time or forever?” I laugh, “It’s not like I haven’t tried to move on.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah and every time I take a girl out, I see Bayleigh. She’s in my head and I can’t shake her.”

“You know what they say,” Mandy pauses, “if you can’t shake the one you love, then maybe you’re not supposed to.”

She’s right, but then on the other hand, there are days I can’t stand to think about her. The only thing harder than moving on is letting go. I know it’s not going to happen overnight and it’s not like I’m pining away for her every day. There’s no excuse for her childish behavior and pushing me away. I’ve tried and I don’t know how much more I can try. So that’s why moving back is the best thing to do.

Not wanting to continue the conversation, we finish our drinks and head to the dance floor.

By the time I’m home, it’s almost three in the morning. Luckily, Mandy wasn’t drunk and could drive. Everything is spinning and I can’t get my keys in my door.

The door opens and I see Bayleigh looking at me. “Tyler?”

“What are you doing in my house?” My words slur and she gives me a funny look. “Wait, is this my house?” Nope. I step back and look around, noticing our swing, memories coming flooding back. “Do you remember when we made love on this swing?” I walk to it, touching the chains down to the arm rest, “I’ll never forget that night.”

“Why that one night?” she whispers. I feel her behind me and I can’t turn around to look at her.

“I remember every moment with you. But that moment, I felt the world understood our love and nothing would tear us apart.”

“Come on.” She loops her arm through mine and pulls me inside. “Mandy gave me a heads up that she was dropping you off.”

“Oh, Mandy. She’s a good friend,” I laugh and follow her upstairs. “Are we going to share a bed?”

“Yes, Tyler. It’s late and you’re wasted.”

“Can I hold you?” She doesn’t answer. I follow her inside her bedroom and plop down on her bed. Bayleigh takes off my shoes and pushes me back to lay down, covering me with a blanket.

“What are you doing, Tyler?”

“I don’t know,” I answer, “I have no idea. I just fucking love you and miss you.”

“I know,” she strokes my face and kisses my forehead. “Sleep, okay?”

Closing my eyes, I feel her touch to my skin and it burns with ache and desire. All I want is her.