Текст книги "Offbeat"

Автор книги: S. Moose

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

We relax on the boat as it bobs in the water. The day is turning into night and it’s almost time to head back to the dock. We’ve been out here for a few hours and there’s been no heavy discussion about anything .We’ve listened to music, went swimming in the lake and tanned on the boat. He’s telling me about his travels and I fill him in about my job.

I feel like for the first time I’m in control and Ryan’s letting me handle things at my own pace. I left my issues at the dock and I’m trusting him. It’s my turn to figure out how to get him to talk. If I can tell him how I feel and about the missing two years, then he can fill me in too.

After helping Ryan with the boat and cleaning up the lake house, we head to his car and drive home.

“Thank you for today,” I smile and tell him. “It felt really good to be out and leave my problems at the door.”

“You need to learn how to deal with your issues head on.” His hand is resting on my thigh, causing warm sensation running down my body. It’s a simple touch, yet it feels like so much more. When I open my eyes and look at him, I see something different. I can’t explain it. The look in his eye is more and it’s the same way Tyler looks at me.

“Can we talk more about your feelings for me?”

He shakes his head, “Not tonight. I don’t want to have this day tainted with arguing or anger. Today was a good day for both of us and I know we’ll have more. We’ll talk soon. I promise.”

I hold out my hand and link my pinky with his. “Now you can’t break your promise to me.”

“I would never.”

Ryan drops me off at my house and tells me he has something to do and he’ll text me later. I walk in and see a note from my parents telling me they’re grabbing dinner and a movie. I’m glad to have the house to myself. Going upstairs, I jump in the shower and stand under the water, letting it cascade down my body, washing away the day and the layer I don’t want anymore.

Wrapping a towel around my body, I brush my teeth and finish getting ready for bed. Grabbing my journal, I get comfortable on the ledge by my window and write about my day. When I write about Ryan, a smile comes on my face.

I can’t get over what he said about loving me and always choosing me. Does he mean that as a best friend or lovers? I think I know the answer and it’s hard for me to accept. He knows Tyler and I have history so I’m not sure if registering my feelings for Ryan is right. It feels like nothing I do is right when it involves my heart.

I haven’t talked to Tyler today. I miss him, but I had a lot of fun with Ryan. I checked my phone a lot today and there hasn’t been a message or phone call. I’m not sure what’s going on with him and I don’t know what to think.

I stop writing and look up to the Scott’s house when the light in Ryan’s room turns out. I see his shadow and am about to text him when I see some blonde bimbo in his arms.

“Are you serious?” I mutter and watch the soft porno in front of my eyes. He’s taking her in his arms and it looks pretty rough. I watch him pick her up and he slams her body to the window. Her long legs wrap around his back and they’re kissing as if they’ve never kissed before. His hands are gripping her tight and it’s really pissing me off.

It hits me. I care that Ryan is hooking up with some random chick and the reason has my heart ready to explode. I’m about to go over there and punch her face is because I’m jealous. I want that. I want what he’s giving her.

I step away from the window and crawl into bed. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m falling for my best friend while the man I love is thousands of miles away.

The next morning after finally deciding to get out of bed, I get ready for work and head out with my coffee in one hand and my keys in the other. Putting on my sunglasses, I look up and see Ryan’s bedroom curtains closed. Rolling my eyes, I ignore what I saw and head to work. Getting Damon’s meeting ready, flashes of Ryan run through my mind. His smile. His eyes. The way he looks at me when we’re standing before one another. Then the image of him and blonde bitchbimbo comes to mind. I can’t believe he had a random hookup after the day we had. Sure, I don’t have a reason to be mad, but I am.

Reaching for my phone, I text Tyler.

Me: Good morning. I hope you had a good weekend. I hung out with Ryan and we hung out at the batting cages and the lake . . . Can’t wait until you’re back . . . I hope you have a good day. XO Bay

Looking at the message, guilt sinks in. I’m allowing these feelings to consume me and I’m not allowing myself to piece together the puzzle because that’s what life’s about. You know as children we can’t wait to grow up and be adults so we can drive, drink, stay up past our bedtime and fall in love. We play dress up with our friends and pretend we’re married to the cute boy with a crooked smile. Then we grow up and are faced with decisions that will affect more than one life. We’re so close to the edge and need someone to pull us back. But do we really need someone to do that or do we need to find the strength to do it on our own?

Resting my head against my desk, I pull out my phone again and hop onto Instagram. I look at the pictures posted and come across Tyler’s post. There’s a picture with him and Serena. Jealous rage sinks in and I let out a groan. I stare at her pretty little face. She’s smiling and holding my Tyler. What the fuck? I know they’re friends and they work together and everything, but does she have to be all up on him? Really?

Hanging out with this beauty tonight @SerenaA_35 #HappyHour #LovingCali

A pang in my chest grows. I look at the picture and hate how pretty she is. I wonder what he’s doing now. The picture was posted last night. When I click on his profile, I don’t see too much. There’s a picture of us when he left. I click on it and regret it immediately when I read the caption.

When you love someone and they don’t love you back.

There are a few comments under the picture. Nothing rude or mean. A lot of sad faces. I’m hurting him because I’m too selfish to let him love me. Before it was because I needed space to find myself and slowly I am. Now I need the distance to sort out my feelings. Even though we aren’t together, I feel like I’m cheating on him.

I click on her Instagram and stalk her pictures. God, I hate her. I don’t care if I don’t know her. There are more pictures of them together and she has tons of selfies about being confident about yourself and loving yourself. I roll my eyes and let out a scoff. Whatever. Like she has confidence issues.

The day goes by fast before Mandy comes strolling in my office with a smirk. “I know what you’re doing.”

“What do you mean?”

She sits down and plays with her nails, tapping her foot up and down. “I’m not dumb. You’re confused and I think . . . ,” she taps her chin, “I think it involves two brothers. The Scott brothers to be exact.”

My face grows red. I hate this. I’m looking at my best friend and I want to lie to her. I want her to not be mad at me.

“I get it, Bayleigh.”

“How did you know?”

She looks away then back at me, “Because I was with Ryan this morning. We had breakfast. He called me and wanted to meet up.” She pauses and looks away, “He said he loves you and to be honest when I saw a picture of you and him on his phone, you had this smile on your face I’ve never seen.”

I whisper, “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I mean, how did I let this happen? I’m supposed to be waiting for Tyler and I’m over here falling for his brother. I’m a whore,” I laugh, shaking my head. “When Tyler finds out, he’s going to be so heartbroken and it’ll be my fault.”

“You have no reason to be sorry.” Getting up from the chair, she comes around my desk and I get up to hug my best friend, the girl who has been there for me and never left my side. “I think you’ll make a mistake if you choose Ryan.”

I’m a little taken aback by her comment. As much as I love Mandy, there’s a manipulative side to her and I wonder if she’s using it on me.

“Tyler’s your forever love. He’s been there for you and wants the best for you. Even though he’s thousands of miles away, he’s still protecting you and checks up on you. I know it’s hard to understand, but a forever love is the kind of love you never want to lose.”

“It’s not like I love Ryan or anything.”

“But you have strong feelings?” I nod my head. “Does he know?” I shrug. “You have to make a decision or else you’ll lose them both girl.”

“I know.” I agree with her statement and in the back of my head, I know this is going to be the toughest path I’ll take. Every time I close my eyes, I see his heart, only I don’t know whose heart it belongs to. “What am I going to do?”

“That’s something you’ll have to figure out girl. Honestly I think you need to go to California and see Tyler. The both of you need to talk and figure this out. ASAP.”

Everything I thought I knew about being in love and what I want goes out the window. I don’t know anything about this. I have to learn how to listen to what my head is telling me. I can’t listen to my heart because it beats for two people. Knowing what I have to do gives me the little strength I need to stand.

“Let’s get lunch,” Mandy suggests and I agree. A little air and girl time will help.

When we get back to the office, I help Damon with his schedule and book his trip to New York City. Finalizing his itinerary and printing it out, I head to his office and place the folder on his desk. There’s a quote calendar that catches my eye on his desk.

“You can love two people, at the same time, and think about them in the same way, but you can’t ever love two people at the same degree.”

How? I don’t get it. I read the quote over and over again, memorizing it, replaying the words in my head until it’s ingrained in my memory. This trip needs to happen as soon as possible.

Heading home, there’s an envelope with my name on it lying on the counter. Picking it up, I open the envelope and take out the letter.

Bayleigh,

I need to get out of here for a little bit. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I think you and I need space.

I’m only a text away. Don’t hesitate to ask me anything.

Ryan

The letter falls to the kitchen floor and I stare blankly at it. He’s gone and never said goodbye. I have space from Tyler and now Ryan. This situation is reaching a level I never thought possible.

I check out some flights the next day at work. There are some I’m looking at and I’m about to purchase tickets when Damon calls.

“Hey. What’s up?”

“I’m stuck at the fucking airport,” he screams. “The damn plane has issues and I can’t get a flight. I need you to get to the airport now and come get me. I’ll have to do this damn meeting via Skype. Need you to stay late tonight and come to the meeting with me tomorrow.”

Fuck. “Okay, I’ll be there in a few.” Shutting down the computer, I grab my things and hurry to pick Damon up.

As soon as we’re back at the office, I’m moving around his schedule and calling the New York City office to let them know of his absence. It takes over four hours to figure out how he’s going to present the information via Skype and his other meetings. Some of the New York assholes are giving me grief and all I can do is apologize.

It’s well after ten in the evening when I’m packing up my things. Heading to Damon’s office, I see Mandy on the floor with him. They’re eating Chinese food and there are files all over. I smile and leave without saying goodbye.

When I get home and shower, I slide into bed and look at my phone. I haven’t heard from Ryan and I don’t try to text him or call him. He has things he needs to figure out and I’m not going to keep pushing him. Whatever is going on with him he obviously needs to figure out on his own.

I think about Tyler and count down the days until he’s back. I miss him. I hold my phone and curse myself. This shouldn’t be this hard.

Me: Hey sorry . . . been busy. How are you?

I wait for a little while and still there’s nothing from Tyler. Turning off my light, I let my eyes close, thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing.

“Tell me how good this feels,” he grips my hair and pulls. I wince and cry, not able to tell him to stop. “Tell me.”

“Please stop,” I tell him, “this isn’t what I want. Please don’t do this anymore.”

“No,” he screams, yanking my head back, “tell me now!”

“It feels so good,” I cry, my voice trembling.

Waking up in a pool of sweat, I cover my face and remember that I’m in my room. Tony isn’t here. I’m safe. I grab my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings and it goes to voicemail.

“I had a,” I pause to regain my voice, “bad dream,” I cry. “Just wanted to talk. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.” My voice trails off and I try to go back to sleep. Only, it’s not working.

Getting out of bed, I look at the time. Three in the morning. I’m so tired, but I’m scared to go back to sleep. Grabbing my laptop, I pull up the meeting notes for today and review the notes, highlighting the important parts and adding a few suggestions.

Before I know it, I’m in the office and we’re in a meeting. I keep looking at my phone and still there’s nothing from Tyler or Ryan. I sigh and focus again on the meeting.

After back-to-back meetings and a one on one with Damon, I’m back in my office. I have a few things to do for him. Settling in at my desk, I fix the Excel reports for this quarter and add a few notes for Damon to look at. It’s close to eight and my phone has been quiet. Getting up, I stretch my arms over my head and feel my body cracking. I’m still not done with what I have to finish for tomorrow.

My phone rings just as I’m ready to look at the next report. The screen shows Ryan’s name and I smile. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“I need you to come pick me up, please.” The anguish in his voice has me up from my seat and rushing downstairs.

“Where are you?”

“I’m . . .” his voice trails off and I hear him crying, “hospital. Come get me, please.”

“On my way.”

I rush to the hospital and find Ryan sitting on the bench. I quickly park the car and run outside. Kneeling in front of him, I see the pain in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

He pulls out a bottle of tequila and downs it. Wiping his mouth he looks at me, “Bad appointment and I’m drunk. I don’t want to go back to the house and I don’t know where else to go,” he looks down and takes another drink. I grab the bottle and toss it in the bushes. “Hey! What the fuck?” he yells.

“No! You don’t need that,” I yell back. “I’m sorry you had a bad appointment. What happened?”

“Nothing. Just a physical. I’m fine,” he says looking at me. “You know,” he lowers his voice, “seeing you and your smile makes it worth it.”

“Come on. You can sleep at my house.”

He nods and gets up. I help him to my car and send a quick text to my parents letting them know about Ryan. When we get to my house and into the living room, I grab a glass of water and crackers and place them on the nightstand. The couch has blankets and pillows.

“Lie down here,” I tell him. Easing him down, I take a seat on the other couch and watch him pull the blanket over his body. “Will you tell me what today was about?”

“No.”

“Well, you’ve been gone for a few days and I have to pick you up from the hospital. Are you okay? Should I be worried? Does your mom know?”

“Just stop talking. I don’t want to talk about me.”

Neither of us talk. I think Ryan needs the calm and quiet right now. My eyes dart around the room to see if my parents will come out and talk to us. They don’t.

“I had a bad dream,” I tell him, “and I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m not sure how to handle these dreams. I know it’ll come and I know I have to deal with what happened. It’s just hard.” I break the silence after a few minutes.

“Can you come here and sit next to me?”

“Sure.” I get up and sit by his hip and his hand rests on my thigh. “Can I get you anything?”

“Not right now,” he whispers, closing his eyes. “Just need you next to me.” He rests his hand on mine, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you had a dream. Are you okay?

His soothing voice is making me feel a little better. “You need to know he can’t hurt you. I know it’s hard, but let that shit go and remember you only have one life to live. Don’t live in fear or else you’ll miss everything.”

“I guess so,” I answer. “So I’m going to head upstairs. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I need you to stay with me tonight. Please.”

I look at him and smile. “Okay.”

My parents are out of town for the weekend and Ryan is on his way over. Taking the cookies I’m baking out of the oven, I set the tray down and look at my phone.

Ty: Hey. Are you okay?

I roll my eyes. It’s been days and now he wants to text me.

Ty: I’m sorry, I had to get a new phone and I’ve been busy with work . . . Talk to me, are you okay?

Me: You seem pretty tight with Serena . . . Going out and having fun . . . I mean, you’re single so you can do that.

Ty: Please don’t do this . . . I am sorry . . . Are you okay?

Me: Yep. Fine. Ryan was over the other night and we talked . . . And yes, I am busy . . . Ryan’s coming over and we’re gonna watch movies . . .

Ty: I’m glad you have my brother there to help you . . . I should get to the point of this text . . . I have to stay in Cali a little longer . . . I’m not sure when I’ll be home, maybe in another week or something . . . They’re having me start a project here and then once it’s been set up, I can bring it back to Rochester and finish it.

Whatever. I really don’t care and I really shouldn’t be mad. We’re both single and he’s doing his thing in California while I’m here doing what I need to. This is my idea. This is what I wanted.

Me: That’s awesome, Ty . . . I’m proud of you . . . Of course, I wish you were coming home sooner.

Ty: I know . . . I miss you . . . So, what’s going on with you and my brother? The both of you seem cozy . . .

Me: Like you and Serena? You still haven’t answered what I asked earlier

Ty: Serena’s my friend

Me: And Ryan’s mine

Ty: And you don’t like him or anything?

Guilt spills over my guts. I wish there was a time machine I could get into and reverse time. This is not what I need right now.

Ty: You’ve never lied to me, so please don’t lie to me now.

Me: I’m confused . . . I love you, but there’s something about Ryan . . . It’s easier with him.

Ty: I’ve been trying to get you back and trying to get you to do things . . . Anything . . . And shit, you push me away. So wtf Bay, what am I?

Me: You are my best friend and I’m sorry you feel this way . . . IDK what else you want me to say . . .

Ty: Fine, whatever. I already know how this is gonna play out.

Me: Enlighten me!

I wait for Tyler to text back and he doesn’t. I call him and the call goes straight to voicemail. This isn’t good. We never end a conversation like this. I sit on a chair in the kitchen and rest my head in my hands. Is this possible? I mean, what exactly am I doing?

The doorbell rings, bringing me back to the present. I get up and put my phone in my back pocket, not wanting to think about Tyler and his nonsense. Opening the door to let Ryan in, he gives me a hug and follows me into the kitchen.

“Oh, chocolate chip cookies,” he laughs, taking one off the tray and taking a bite. “What the . . .” he runs to the sink and spits out the cookie, turning on the faucet and drinking the water.

“What?”

“Why are these so damn salty?”

“Huh?” I take a small bite and nearly hurl. “How’d I do that?” I go through the ingredients and realize I mixed up the sugar and salt. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I hold in my laughter.

“Way to go. You seriously failed at making chocolate chip cookies. Who does that?”

“Apparently me,” I laugh again.

“New nickname. Instead of calling you silly, I’ll call you Chip so we can remember this day.”

“Chip? Isn’t that a boy name?”

“So? Ryan is unisex. I declare Chip a unisex name too!”

“Whatever you say. Come on, let’s watch The Fault in Our Stars.” There’s a groan from Ryan and I laugh. I’m not going to let Tyler ruin today. He asked me a question and I’ve never lied to him, so I didn’t want to start. He needs to know the truth and what’s going on.

So then why do I feel like my heart’s breaking and there’s a heavy weight resting on my chest?

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I check it again and see nothing from Tyler. I have to ignore him and maybe he’s letting out steam before we talk. Who knows?

“Go ahead and get set up, I’ll be in soon.” I nod and turn out of the kitchen to start the movie. Looking for my phone, I realize it’s in the kitchen. When I get back, Ryan’s looking through it.

“Ahhh, hello?” I snatch the phone from him. “Seriously?”

“Why are you and Tyler fighting?”

“Just drop it, okay?”

“Not until we talk about this.” He takes my hand and we sit across from each other in the living room. I don’t know what to say or where to start. As I feel his eyes on me, I close my own and think about what I want to say. Life is a mystery and we have to make it our own. I can’t bottle in my emotions all the time.

“I’m confused about what’s going on between us. I mean, I know we’re best friends and I know you love me and the times we’ve spent together have been really fun. You do something to me and I can’t explain it.” He smiles and takes my hand. “I’m afraid to not have you.”

Ryan puts his head down and stands up. I follow suit. “I do love you, but I think you’re misunderstanding me. We’re best friends. That’s all I can give you right now. Don’t take it the wrong way or anything. I don’t like anyone,” he laughs, holding my shoulders.

“Why didn’t you fight for me?”

“Don’t put me in that spot. You can’t put me on a pedestal. Like I said, we’re friends and I don’t want to make your life hard. As much as I love you and care about you, we’re meant to be friends. You’re meant to be with my brother.”

Tears roll down my face. Standing in front of him, telling him how I feel, all I want is to feel. His fingers gently wipe away my tears and he gently kisses my forehead.

“Don’t worry. You won’t lose me, Bayleigh.”

“I feel like I am. You make things better. I can breathe around you.” Wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders, I lean in to kiss him, but he turns his head and my lips land on his cheek. Neither of us says anything. I’m not sure what to say. How can he change his feelings all of a sudden? What the hell is going on?

“Let’s go and finish the movie.” He takes my hand and leads me out of the room. My head is foggy and I’m more confused than ever before.