Текст книги "Offbeat"

Автор книги: S. Moose

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

“Good morning, beautiful.” I wake up and see I’m alone in her bed. At first, I don’t panic. Maybe she’s downstairs getting us breakfast. Putting on my clothes, I walk down the hall and down the stairs. I notice how quiet everything is and wonder what the hell is going on.

Looking for her in the living room and kitchen, I start to panic. She’s nowhere. I hear the front door open and rush over to see who’s there.

“Mandy? What are you doing here?”

Her eyes look red like she’s been crying and she shakes her head. “We need to go to the hospital. Ryan’s there now.”

Rushing out of the house and following her to her car, she drives to Strong and explains what happened. Apparently, Bayleigh woke up and found him sitting on the swing and he was unresponsive. She didn’t know what to do and called the ambulance. I fucking slept through the whole thing.

“Don’t be mad,” Mandy tells me.

“I’m not. Just get me there now.”

When she pulls in the hospital parking lot, I get out before she parks and hurry inside. Telling the receptionist my name and who I need to see, she gives me the information and soon I’m outside the door, listening to them talk.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” he tells her. I can hear the weakness in his voice. “I don’t want to die here,” he cries and I hang my head. I don’t know how much more I can hear. Even though I hate him for trying to steal my girl and not protecting her, he’s still my brother and I love him.

“It’ll be okay. I’ll be here with you.”

“No. I need to leave, but I need you with me. Take me back to the lake house,” he asks her. My insides tear apart. She’s going to say yes. Their bond is strong and she won’t let him die alone. “Please stay with me and don’t leave.”

“Okay. I’ll stay with you. I’ll get the doctors.” I move away and watch her walk away. Going inside the room, my eyes find Ryan’s. Neither of us talk and I’m not sure where to begin.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you,” I tell him and I mean it. We’ve been spending time together and we’re keeping him busy. Maybe he’s doing too much and needs to relax a little.

“Thanks,” he coughs, and wipes his lips. “Terminal brain tumor,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I never thought about the signs or symptoms, you know? Thought it was in my head, just not literally. Now I have to sit back and wait.”

“You’re doing too much. Slow down a little,” I suggest. “I heard you and Bay talking. This isn’t fair. You can’t ask her to do this. You know she’ll drop everything for you. Is that what you want?”

“To spend my last days with her? Yes. Once I’m gone, that’s it. I won’t know what it’s like to be with her. I love her and I’m going to love her beyond my final breath. She’s been in my heart since I was five years old. It’s always been her. I want to marry her.”

“Marry her?” I laugh, “You’ve lost your mind, Ryan. You can’t marry her. Not legally.”

“Doesn’t have to be. All I need is her with me and need her to be mine for my final days.”

“But I love her too. I have her back and now you expect me to let her be with you?”

“Once I’m gone, she’ll be yours. All yours.”

“She’s not a fucking toy, Ryan!” I scream and have to step back. “She’s a person with a beautiful mind and heart and you’re using that against her.”

“I love her and that’s all you need to understand.”

Having heard enough of this bullshit, I walk out and I don’t wait for Bayleigh. I tell Mandy to take me back to her house and I text Bayleigh to meet me when she’s done. The car ride is quiet as I gather my thoughts. What’s the right thing to do? Let her go again and know she’ll come back. Knowing she’s going to be with my brother? Can I handle that?

“It’ll be okay,” Mandy says, rubbing my knee. “You have to believe.”

“Sometimes believing and love isn’t enough. Thanks for the ride.” I get out of the car and walk to the swing, waiting for her to come back.

My phone is quiet and I’m not sure where she is or what she’s doing. I see Mandy’s car again and Bayleigh walks out. Her head is hanging low and her body is tense and tired. She joins me on the swing and I watch her eyes look over at the rose bushes her parents are growing. I think about holding her hand, but I hold back, especially when I see the ring on her finger. Even though it’s not legal and doesn’t mean anything, it means something me. I know I’m being an asshole for having a cold heart. When it comes to her, she’s all that matters.

“Do you know that each rose has a meaning?”

“Yeah. I think every girl who is romantic and believes fairy tales knows that.”

I smile, “Do you remember on every Valentine’s Day, before we started dating, I’d give you thirteen red-tipped yellow roses? You’d look at me like I was crazy. Did you know what those roses meant?” I watch her think. She’s trying to come up with something.

“No. I just thought you were being sweet.”

“Well, I was. But those roses meant friendship and falling for you. I got you thirteen flowers every year because it represents a secret admirer.”

Her eyes swell with tears and quickly I wrap her in my arms, pulling her onto my lap, stroking her back and rocking back and forth. This isn’t what I want. I hate when she cries and there’s not much I can do.

“I know you’re confused,” I tell her, “and I know you love me and Ryan.” Admitting it aloud kills me. Even though Ryan’s dying, I hate how much time she spends with him. “Forever, Bay. That’s how long I’m going to love you. But what I can’t understand is your need to take care of him.”

“It’s something I have to do. He has no one and I’m his only friend. Why can’t you see that and understand?”

“Because I don’t!” I scream, “I know I’m being an asshole, but thinking about the two of you in the lake house together is fucking with my head. Make me understand so I can be okay with this. Make me understand why you’re wearing a ring he bought you. Just a few weeks ago, you said you weren’t ready for anything and then Ryan comes into the picture and you’re this different person.”

“You have to trust me,” she says with her round eyes looking at me, “trust me.”

“You love both of us. It’s hard to trust either of you. Do you know I’ve loved you my whole life? I thought you were going to be my last love.”

She cries and holds my hand, “I still am. Forever, Tyler.”

I shake my head, “No. There’s too much that’s happened and I don’t think I can forget what you and Ryan shared. Even though it wasn’t physical, it was emotional. I saw the two of you kiss. Tell me you didn’t want that kiss.”

She doesn’t answer. Instead, she looks away from me and bows her head down. My heart shatters in my chest. I’ve lost her. No matter what I say or do, she’s going to choose Ryan.

“Do you know how much last night meant to me? To finally mean something to you.” She doesn’t respond. I hear her sniffling and nodding her head.

“I love you, Tyler. I don’t know what else to say.”

“No, I think you do. The love you have for me is an obligation.”

“That’s not fair, Tyler! I was confused and scared. You can’t use my words against me.” She screams and gets in my face. “Stop being an asshole and open your fucking eyes. I am doing this so your brother doesn’t have to go through this alone. Can’t you see I love you and yes I love him, but that’s on a different level? I am giving him what he wants so he can die in peace and if you can’t accept that, then you’re not the man I thought you were.”

“I guess I’m not. I guess I can’t watch the fucking woman I love marry or wait, pretend to marry, someone else so he can be happy. I guess you can’t stay with him as a friend or ask me or Mandy to come with you! I fought every day for you for over a year and then you go and do this!”

“What do you want me to do? Not give him his last wish?”

I sigh and rub my face, “I don’t fucking know.” Fuck!

“Just wait, please Tyler.”

“No. Do you think I’m stupid?” I seethe, “I won’t be your fallback guy.”

“You aren’t Tyler,” she sobs in my arms. I feel her holding onto me, repeating how much she loves me and I can’t bring myself to hold her back. “It’s always been you.”

“It makes sense. Since he’s dying, of course you’ll try to come crawling back but you can’t.”

She unwraps herself from me and backs away. Her eyes don’t leave mine and I can’t stop staring at her. Everything I love about her is gone. All I can see is that fucking ring and him.

“I have to go,” she mumbles. “Your mom needs my help. I have to go.”

I nod and watch her walk away. The voices in my head tell me to stop being a sucker and move on.

Rushing to my car and getting in, I drive back to the hospital and walk into his room. The sounds of machines beep and his nurse is changing bags around.

“Almost done,” she tells me with a smile. I stand in the corner and my eyes don’t leave his.

When she leaves, I stay where I’m standing and play out the words I want to say. “Can we talk?” He nods his head.

“I need to say something first.”

“Okay,” I answer, “go.”

“She’s amazing, you know.” I nod. “I know she loves you.” I nod again. I’m not sure where the hell this conversation is going. “Regardless of what you think, we never had sex. Yes, I’ve kissed her and she’s kissed me back.”

“Is there a point to this, Ryan? Because right now, all I want to do is smash my fist into your face.” I feel like an asshole for telling him this. No, I don’t want to hit him and I don’t want to see him die. But right now, I can’t think clearly.

“Fair enough. But she loves you.”

“You too, man.”

“She loves you more. Do you know she talks in her sleep?” This gets my attention. “She whispers your name and says she loves you. So yeah, I know she loves us both, but she loves you more. We’ve gotten close and she’s my best friend. I know it’s hard seeing us together and seeing her in the lake house with me. But think about it. When I’m gone, you’ll still be here. You’re her forever.”

“Yeah well, right now she wants you so I’m going to head out again. I have some things to tie up.”

“California?” I nod my head. “Listen man I’m sorry, but I want my brother here.” I look away. “You’re really going to leave? Fucking leave Mom alone?”

“She has Bayleigh and she’ll be busy with you. No one needs me.”

“Shut the fuck up!” he yells. “You’re a fucking Scott. Man up, Tyler.”

“I’ll be back. Don’t say anything,” I mutter, “I have some things to do and I’ll be home. Permanently.” Rubbing my face, I pull out the chair and sit down. “I can’t help how I feel,” I explain. “She’s the best girl and I understand your need and love for her. I’ll love her forever. Right now, even though you’re hurting, she needs you. You did something to make her feel again.”

“She’ll need you when I’m gone.”

“And all she has to do is ask me and I’ll be here in a second. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to leave and get my head straight. Take care of her. And don’t tell her I’ll be back. She doesn’t need that on her plate.”

“I won’t,” he answers, “thanks for everything.” I sit with Ryan a little longer. Neither of us talk. The sounds in the room fill the silence. What else am I supposed to say? Usually I’m good with my words and can carry a conversation. I swallow the lump in my throat. It’s selfish for me to leave. But all this information is getting to me. I don’t want to think about Ryan dying or my mom in pain. Even Bayleigh in pain. It’s too much to handle.

My phone vibrates with a text message from Mom.

“Mom said she’s on her way back with Bayleigh, so I’m going to head out.”

“I’ll watch her.”

“I know you will.” I let him go and walk away from everything I’ve known and everything I want.

Ty: I’m back in Cali. Not sure when I’ll be back . . . You don’t have to update me on Ryan. My mom will

I blankly stare at the text message. I miss him and hope one day he’ll understand why I’m doing this. No one should be alone when they’re going through the bullshit of death. Mandy tells me I have to give Tyler space or else it’ll push him away. Hopefully doing that will bring him back. There’s not much more I can say. If he won’t stay for his brother, then he won’t stay for me.

It’s all about patience and believing in faith. Everything happens for a reason. We meet people, and sometimes they stay, other times they leave. But everyone we meet has a purpose in our lives. Tyler taught me love and gave me experiences I never want to let go of. Ryan’s teaching me how to live again and to always believe there’s a purpose. What life can be like when you believe and have hope. He’s showing me what it’s like to let go of your demons and take control again. I’m still alive and I’m here for a reason I need to remember to have patience and not quickly assume I’m meant to be in my room, locked away from the world.

Even though I have control of my life, I don’t have control of other people or the whys of the way life works. The things I can control are my emotions and reactions. With having patience and understanding, I don’t react too quickly without thinking. Assumptions are the devil. I can’t sit here and assume Tyler’s with Serena or has feelings for her. Two people, a man and woman, can be friends and strictly be friends. He’s showing me life is about taking risks and doing what you love. And when I do something over and over again, I’ll become better and that motivation will guide me.

Right now things are good between us. He’s been home for a few days and things are okay for the most part. He’s getting weaker and the doctors can’t give him anything to help. The medicine he was on made him sleep most of the day. To Ryan, that’s his biggest nightmare. He’s not afraid of dying. He’s afraid he won’t experience things before he dies. That’s what I admire about him. Even though he’s dying and doesn’t know how long he truly has, it doesn’t stop him from working hard to see and feel what he wants.

My walls are breaking down and I’m fully letting him in. We talk all the time and we’re together most of the day. Luckily for me, I’m working more from home and Skyping with Damon. If I’m needed in the office, I go in, but not all day like before.

Balancing the tray of food, I climb the stairs and use my foot to open his bedroom door. Placing the tray on the nightstand I sit on the edge of the bed, next to Ryan, and watch him sleep. I love the way he sleeps and how at peace he is with everything going on. Moira and I spend most of our days with him. When I’m needed in the office or go home to see my parents, she’s with him. Even though I know she can handle taking care of him, we’re a team and we work together to keep him comfortable.

“Stop looking at me,” he smiles and opens his eyes. Looking at the tray of food, he shakes his head. “Just juice please.”

“You need to eat, Ry.” Handing him the glass of orange juice, I watch him struggle to take a few sips.

“Not today,” he tells me and I sigh. “I’ll try to eat some fruit and toast. My stomach can’t handle a lot.”

“Okay, that’s better than nothing.”

He finishes eating what he can and doesn’t look at me. I see the pain in his eyes. He’s hiding how he feels. Telling me he’s not hungry and watching him struggle isn’t easy. None of this is easy.

He faces me and takes my hand. “You look beautiful.”

“You aren’t so bad yourself.”

While we’re in his bedroom, we’re away from the reality of his cancer and death. I try to keep upbeat and for a moment it’s nice to talk to him and not think about the tumor.

“I think I want to spend my last days at the lake house. What do you think?”

Moira and I talked about what’s best for Ryan. We know he’s stubborn and won’t listen to anyone.

“If it’s what you want,” I tell him, “I’ll talk to your mom and we’ll make it happen.” Lightly kissing his forehead, I feel his hand grab my arm.

“As long as I’m with you, then that’s where I want to be.”

Settling our things in the spare room, I check on Ryan and see him sleeping. Resting on the couch, not to disturb him, I take out my phone and think about texting Tyler. I want so badly to hear his voice and see how he’s doing. Moira tells me he’s okay and she’s updating him with Ryan’s condition. But still I want to talk to him. I want him to know I miss him and I’m thinking about him.

Needing to fill my head with something, I play music and relax for a moment. The days are getting longer and the nights are filled with worry. I wake up every hour to check on him and make sure he’s breathing. I can’t leave him at night and my body is suffering. All I want to do is close my eyes for a minute and get rest.

Screams fill my ears and I’m jolting up and running to Ryan. He’s on the floor, his hands on his head, screaming for help.

“Ryan!” I rush to him, pulling him in my arms, rocking him. “Shhhh, it’s okay.”

“Did you leave?” he cries, “I’ve been calling for you.” The pain in my chest tightens. Fuck. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I fell asleep and I must have been knocked out.” I rub his back and look around for his medicine. Even though it’s not what Ryan wants, he still needs to take it when it gets this bad.

“It’s hard to see,” he softly says. My heart breaks and the realization that he’s not going to get better sinks in.

“There’s nothing to see,” I reassure him.

“I need to see you. I always want to see you.”

“I’m right here. Always.” We sit on the ground for a while until I have the strength to lift him up back into bed.

“Do me a favor,” he asks, looking at me with sleepy eyes. The medicine is working and he seems good.

“What’s that?”

“Can we have one dance together and pretend for a little bit that I’m strong and I’m okay?”

“Of course.” Pulling out my phone I play a song and soon I’m in his arms. He’s not as strong as before. But he holds me against his body. We don’t move a lot. He’s humming in my ear and I love this feeling.

“In my head,” he tells me through labored breaths, “we’re dancing under the moonlight and you’re wearing a beautiful dress.” I lift my head and softly kiss his lips. “I would do anything to be there with you.” Losing myself in his arms and the music, I don’t talk. I let the playlist of my love songs play and song after song our bodies move together.

Lifting my head to look at him again, I see the love he has for me in his eyes. There’s a mix of sadness and pain. I know this is taking a lot of his strength and I should make him sleep. Saying no to someone who’s dying isn’t easy. I want him to have these memories and be okay. There have been so many times I have prayed to have a miracle and wake up to a healthy Ryan.

Unfortunately this tumor is winning and it’s about to take my best friend away.

When the last song ends, I help Ryan back into bed and pull the covers over him. I get on the other side and rest my cheek on his chest, listening to his breathing and his heart beating. These are the best sounds in the world.

“You mean the world to me,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “My world.”

Squeezing his hand, I tell him to sleep and close his eyes, because when we dream there’s no pain and we’re happy.

“I love you,” he whispers and I have to silence my tears.

The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about my life and how it’s going to be without Ryan. The lake house was getting too cold for Ryan so we’re back at his house. I’m now staying with him full time. My parents are being wonderful and keeping Moira busy.

Tyler isn’t back yet and I’m not sure if he wants to be here. We don’t talk about him. Moira doesn’t update me anymore and that’s okay. I understand his anger and frustration for me, but not his brother. They’re supposed to be there for one another. Having a brother means having a best friend. I wish Tyler would understand how badly we need him.

I need someone by my side. It’s hard seeing him getting worse. Slowly I’m watching him die and every night we lie in bed and he holds me, telling me about the ways he loves me.

I’m not ready to lose him.

The state I’m in would qualify as hot mess. I’m living in yoga pants and hoodies. My body hurts from the lack of not working out and I’m getting moodier with each day. I don’t want to be sad because he doesn’t need to see me cry. It’s the only thing I can do. He can barely get out of bed and when he does, it’s only for a few minutes.

He’s so young and won’t get to live his life the way he wants. How can his life end so young? There are people out there who are murderers and get to live, while someone as good and pure as Ryan is dying because of a tumor no one can remove. How is life fair? I’m struggling to understand why someone so young, with so much life, is facing the end. I’m trying to be upbeat and positive. I don’t want his last days with us to be spent crying.

We spend most of the time in his bedroom or in the kitchen. He loves watching me bake and reminds me to use sugar and not salt.

These are the memories worth making and the memories I’ll always keep.

Mandy and Damon come to visit often and we have dinner with them a lot. I’m happy because my best friend is engaged and pregnant. Seeing them together, as happy as I am for them, makes me sad. I think about Tyler and wonder how he’s doing. I’ve kept my distance and Ryan’s tried to reach out to his brother a few times. I know he’ll come back and stay with us soon. He has to.

“What are you thinking about, sweetheart?”

Looking up I smile, “Nothing. Just happy to be spending time with you. Are you okay?”

“I hate this,” he sadly says. “Can we sit outside and watch the sunset?” I nod and help him downstairs to the deck. While he’s adjusting himself on the chair, I send a text to Tyler and ask him to please come home and spend a day with Ryan before he passes away.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the wedding you want. I hope that marrying me was okay.”

Bending down, I kiss his lips and smile, “Yes. I love you Ryan and even though we aren’t legally married, it doesn’t matter. I love you and you love me.”

He rests his forehead against mine, “All that matters is now. Promise me when I die, you’ll live. You won’t sit and mourn over me. You’ll live the life you’re supposed to and have the love you deserve.”

“I promise,” I wipe away my tears, “I promise.”

“I’m so lucky,” he says with a smile on his face.

“Why’s that?”

“Because I met the love of my life. I thought I’d have to go through this alone, but when I saw you again, I knew I had to have you. I know I won’t make it and I wish I could see those beautiful brown eyes for the rest of my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hope you know that. I was supposed to die months ago, but you saved me. You kept me alive. I know what love is because of you, Chip. All because of you.” He leans over and kisses me again. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss and feel his warmth.

“Thank you for breathing life back into me.”

We sit on the deck, holding hands, and watch the sunset. I look over and see his peaceful face. This is what I want for him. I don’t want him in pain or having regrets. Ryan doesn’t need any of that. He needs to relax and be comfortable. I make sure we laugh every day and each day is spent loving each other. Love doesn’t have to be physical or about the extravagant things. If you can sit there, holding hands, embracing the beauty of life, then you found love.

Helping him back upstairs so he can get ready for bed, I sit on the bed and look at my phone again. It’s been so long since we’ve talked to Tyler. I pray to God he’s getting our messages and he’ll be here soon. I don’t want him living a life of regret.

Just as I’m about to check on Ryan, I see the door open and Tyler’s standing there with his eyes on me.

“Hi,” he calmly says, “how is he?”

I get up from the bed and run into his arms. “You’re here,” I quietly say, hugging him tight. Only I’m the only one holding on. Letting him go and giving us space, I look at him. “He’s not doing well. We just got back inside and he’s in the shower now, getting ready for bed.”

“I’ll check on him.” His voice is void and there’s nothing left. I know this is hard on him and I hope he can put on a smile for the sake of his brother. When both guys come out of the bathroom, I watch Tyler help Ryan get in bed.

“I’ll see you two in the morning. Goodnight.”

“You’re staying here too?” I ask.

“Of course. This is my house,” he coldly answers. “Let me know if there’s anything either of you need.”

“Thanks Tyler. It means a lot to me that you’re here.” Tyler nods and walks out of the bedroom. He doesn’t look at me and I don’t blame him. I never asked myself how he’s feeling, seeing me in bed with his brother and wearing a ring that symbolizes our love.

We get comfortable in bed and I rest my head on his chest. “Are you glad you came back?” I ask him.

“I am. Being here has been what I need and I’m glad to have you next to me. I know this isn’t want you truly wanted.”

“Stop, Ryan. This is where I want to be.” I can’t help to look at the door while I say this. I feel completely guilty and stupid for feeling this way.

“I wish I could be here and watch you grow up and achieve all your dreams. I wish I could be here when you get pregnant and have babies,” he quietly says, holding back his tears before he continues. “Just because I won’t be here doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and I hope you and Tyler find your happy place. I need to know you’re going to be okay. I don’t like what I saw between the two of you. Maybe you should go out there and talk to him.”

I think about what he’s saying. My eyes are still on the door and I want so badly for him to understand. I want so badly to feel his arms around me, but I made a promise to Ryan and I’m going to keep it.

“Ryan stop. Please, let’s go to bed.”

Honestly, thinking about Tyler is breaking my heart. As much as I want to be with him and hear his voice, I’m where I should be. Ryan’s perfect in his own way. Knowing he’s going to pass away soon, and I can’t have him here, is breaking my heart. They say you don’t know what love is until it’s going to leave and I didn’t realize how much I loved him until now.

But I love Tyler too.

I love Tyler more.

“I just want you to know my heart is beating for you. It’s not as strong, but it’s beating and every beat is for you. Even though I never felt you, or experienced probably one of the greatest feelings, I don’t need to because having you here is enough. You are enough.”

“I love you, Ryan. Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I love you, Bayleigh. I’ll see you in the morning.”