Текст книги "Offbeat"

Автор книги: S. Moose

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Today’s my day off. I’m awake this morning and feel a little better from last night. There’s no weight on my chest and I’m smiling on my own. Having Ryan back in my life is surprisingly making me feel . . . better. Being around him is making me feel like me again. He’s not walking on eggshells or asking me a million questions. For the first time in a long time, I want to live and breathe again.

Putting on my sneakers, I grab my phone and headphones and decide to go for a run. I need to clear my head. Stepping outside in the warm sun, I put in my earbuds and start running. I think of the past few times we’ve talked and hung out. Instantly I feel like an asshole. Tyler and Ryan haven’t been on good terms since the night of the rape. Tyler blames Ryan and Ryan hasn’t made an effort to talk to his brother. I hate this feud between them. Part of me wants to bring it up. I need to know if Ryan has talked to Tyler.

Mentally yelling at myself, I continue running. Finishing my run, I sprint the last quarter mile. Catching my breath, I look up and see Ryan on my porch, looking at me with a smile.

“Hey!”

“Looking good, speedy,” he tells me. “How are you?”

“Tired,” I laugh, “so don’t get mad, okay?”

“Okay,” he smiles, “what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

“Have you talked to Tyler?” He rubs the back of his head and looks away. I already know the answer. “He knows you’re back.” I hear him sigh and see him sitting on the railing. “You can’t keep fighting with him.”

“Yeah,” he huffs, “I know.”

“Do you want to come in? I can make you something to eat and we can talk.”

“Maybe next time, silly girl,” he smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“For what?”

“You’ll see.”

“Again, can you please tell me?”

He shrugs, “Nope,” he taps my nose, “just be ready tomorrow morning. I’ll text you with details.”

Rolling my eyes, I wave goodbye and walk back inside and to my room. Pulling out my phone, I open my music app on my phone and listen to music. The shuffle mode plays Fix A Heart by Demi Lovato. I sit back and take out my sketch pad.

My phone vibrates, bringing me out of my trance.

Ryan: Tomorrow morning at 9am wear shorts and a shirt or whatever . . . Bikini maybe? =) But be ready

Me: Ok?

Ryan: Don’t think about it . . . Just do it. Listening to me will be good for you . . . I guarantee it

I roll my eyes. He’s too cocky for his own good.

Me: Cocky much?

Ryan: I’d like to say I’m confident. Sounds better than cocky =p

Me: Whatever you say lol

Not wanting to wait for his text, I grab my gym bag and head out.

Mandy and I have a kickboxing class tonight. I haven’t been to a kickboxing class in a while. Lately I’ve been focusing on doing other gym routines like lifting and high intensity interval training.

Stepping into the class, I see Mandy stretching and join her.

“So you’ve been avoiding me,” I tell her, rolling my shoulders forward and back. “Afraid to tell me something?”

“Shut up,” she pushes me and laughs. “I don’t want to talk about it now, but I will.”

“You know I’m here for you.”

“I know,” she says and we stretch until the instructor comes.

Immediately she starts class, putting on high intensity music to get us moving. Feeling the burn in my arms and legs, I keep up with the instructor. I look over to the right and see Mandy. She looks at me with death in her eyes.

“Let’s go, ladies. I want to see aggression. Pretend your best friend slept with your boyfriend or you found your husband in bed with your sister. Hit the damn bags!” the instructor yells.

Closing my eyes and focusing, I think about Tony and rage spills from me. My hits are stronger and my grunts are louder.

“You’ll never touch me again!” I scream, kicking the bag over and over again. “Never.” I feel arms around me and I collapse, crying. I think about that night again and I feel his rough hands. Why did that have to happen to me? I never did anything bad to anyone. I don’t know why I’m allowing him to control me from so far away. I have to learn how to control my emotions and my hate for him.

“It’s okay,” Mandy tells me. The instructor tells everyone class is over and kneels down besides us.

“Word of advice hun, don’t bottle it in.” She pats my shoulder and leaves the room.

“She’s right, Bay. You have to talk.”

“I know,” I whisper through the tears, “I know.”

Sitting in my car, I pull out my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings twice and I hear his anxious voice.

“Bay?”

“Hey,” I force myself to say without crying. Hearing his voice on the other end, knowing he’s so far away, is killing me. I have to be strong or else he’ll come back. “How are you?”

“What’s wrong? And please don’t lie to me.”

He knows. He always knows. “I had a breakdown in kickboxing today. The instructor said to imagine someone you hate,” I start to cry, “and I pictured Tony. I hit the bag over and over again. Screaming and crying.” I hear his breathing growing faster, “I want to be okay. I hate this tainted feeling. He’s in prison and I know he can’t hurt me, so why do I think about it?”

“Because baby, it’s something that happened to you. This is part of your journey to survive remember? You’re going to face these demons and you have to learn how to do it head on. It’s going to be hard. Don’t shut anyone out, even yourself. Let yourself be sad and mad. It’s normal.”

I hear the hope in his voice and nod. We stay on the phone for a few minutes without saying anything.

“Thank you for knowing what to say. I thought calling you would make you want to come back.”

“Like you said, we need space and you need room to breathe and grow. But baby, you know I’d be there in a heartbeat.”

“I know.”

Taking out my journal, I put my thoughts to paper.

Today I had a breakdown. It’s been a while and I’m not sure when I’ll have another. I kept seeing Tony’s face. I want to hit him so bad and I want to see him to get answers. Why did he pick me that night? Why did he do that?

Every time I get the courage to take the five hour drive to the prison where he’s located, I stop myself. I only get about twenty minutes from my house before I turn back. I don’t think I can do it. But I think I have to. Does that make sense?

No one knows I need this and I’m not sure if I should tell anyone. What should I do?

Putting away my journal, I head to my bathroom to get ready for bed. My mind is full of what’s going on with Ryan, Tyler, and what happened today at the gym. I hate breaking down and letting what happened to me affect me. I know rape is difficult and I know it’s all about time. But sometimes I want to make myself forget and never feel that kind of pain. That violation and self-loathing.

Coming out of the bathroom, I see Ryan sitting on the edge of my bed. He’s wearing cargo shorts and a white tee. His hair’s recently been washed. When he lifts his head to look at me, I stop mid-step and stay where I’m standing. He stares at me as I open my mouth to say something, anything, because this whole showing up without being invited is not cute anymore.

“What are you doing here?”

“I need you to talk to me,” he answers and gets up to walk towards me. “I read some entries in your journal. Why are you blaming yourself?”

“You read my private journal? Are you serious Ryan?” I push him, using all my strength to cause some kind of pain, but he doesn’t move. “You can’t come here and think you can waltz back into my life and start your bullshit about that night. There’s nothing to talk about,” I scream, “I’m dealing with it. How dare you invade my privacy?”

“You left it out in the open.” I roll my eyes and snatch the journal away from him. I’m so angry he’s here and reading my words. “Why don’t you see your therapist anymore?”

“Because I don’t want to. I don’t need to. Why are you even here? Get out of my room and don’t come back!”

“Not until you talk to me, sweetheart.” I glare at him, ready to slap the smug look on his face. “Talk. Now.”

“No. N-O,” I spell out for him. “Understand that, asshole.”

“When did you get sassy?” He smirks.

“It’s not sassy. It’s being annoyed, upset, and angry. Go, now. Thanks.”

“Not leaving until you talk, sweetheart.”

Being the stubborn person I am, I cross my arms and walk to my bed. I’m not playing these games with him. If he can’t answer my questions, then why should I answer his? An internal battle is raging inside me.

Why’s he back?

What does he want?

Should I trust him?

“I can stay here if you won’t talk.” He sits on my bed and keeps his stare on me.

“Tell me why you’re back.”

“No thank you,” he reaches out for my hand and I pull away. “I want to know how you’re doing because I care about you and want to know you’re okay. I’ll tell you my reasons for being back, but not tonight. That’s saved for a different time. When I can talk to you and Tyler at the same time. It’s something the both of you should know.”

“Okay,” I respond, “I can handle that. He should be back in a few weeks.”

“Good.”

“Good,” I repeat.

“So talk. I promise you I’ll tell you my reasons for being back if you tell me what’s going on.”

Rolling my eyes, I grab a pillow and hug it tightly against my chest. My body trembles with fear knowing we are going to be talking about that night. Sometimes it’s easier to try and forget. Only with his piercing eyes on me, that won’t happen.

“I think about it a lot. I dream about it and all I want is to know why he picked me that night. Why did he have to do that to me? I want to see him and look him in the eyes. I want to see if he’s even sorry,” I explain, almost screaming when I tell him how I feel, “I want closure.”

“Sweetheart, you won’t get it. You heard him on the stand, he doesn’t know why he picked you and he apologized. Yeah, that was bullshit and nothing he can say or do will help, but at least you know it’s not your fault.”

“What do you mean? You weren’t there. You left already.”

He nods his head, “I was there. I was there when you took the stand and I saw you breaking down. I wanted to come see you, but Tyler was there and I knew you were okay.”

“I wasn’t, though.”

“But you will be. Baby steps.” Suddenly he’s standing before me with his hands on my face. “I’m sorry. And I need you to forgive me.”

“What?” I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s going on or what to say. I try to pull back and get space. I don’t want to be this close to him. He pulls me closer and his eyes are trained on mine.

“Tell me you forgive me. That we can be the way we used to be. I messed up so bad and I don’t’ want to do that again. I know you should hate me. You have every right to hate me. But please don’t. I can’t handle it.” I’m not sure why his words are cutting me deep. I’m sobbing in his arms and all I can hear him say is everything’s going to be alright.

“You shouldn’t have left. I needed you. We needed you.” I sob harder, gripping his tee shirt in my hands.

Pulling me back to look at him, he caresses my face and kisses my forehead, “I know. I needed you too. But I’m back and things are going to be better. Okay?” I nod, hoping he means what he says.

In the morning, I get ready and figure I have no idea what to wear on this thing with Ryan. Sending him a text, he responds with a message that included an eye roll.

Ryan: Bikini =p

Me: You’re ridiculous. Seriously please.

Ryan: Fine. You’re no fun this morning. Shorts and a shirt is fine. I’ll be there soon =)

The smile emoticon scares me. I finish getting ready and head downstairs to wait for him. Part of me still wonders about Ryan and why he’s here. Taking out my phone, I send a message to Mandy to tell her about Ryan’s unexpected homecoming.

Mandy: Ryan Scott . . . Is back . . . In NY?

Me: Yep and he’s on the way over. Care to bet why he’s back?

Mandy: Honestly, I have no idea . . . Haven’t talked to the guy for a few years . . . Could be anything. Be careful tho

Me: I know . . . I’ll be fine

Mandy: PS we need to have dinner soon

Me: I agree. I need to know more about Mystery Man AKA my BOSS!

Mandy: Shut up lol

There’s a knock on the door. I get up from the bar stool and open the door to find Ryan holding a hula hoop in his hand.

“Are you serious?”

“I sure am. I don’t joke around with bucket lists.”

He pulls me outside and we walk to my backyard. Once he’s given me my hoop and walks to the opposite side, he turns around and faces me.

“So, you know the position. Go ahead.”

“Fine,” I seethe. Putting the hula hoop around my waist, I watch Ryan skillfully move his hips and the hoop swinging. “Not fair,” I tell him.

After too many failed attempts, I throw the damn thing across the yard and pout like a child. I can do almost anything, yet moving my hips so that thing can swing is next to impossible.

“Get up, Bayleigh.” I shake my head. “Fine, sit there and pout.” He disappears and I let out a breath. I guess I’m being too ridiculous and he had enough. Suddenly, ice cold water is sprayed on me. I scream loudly and jump up. Turning around, I see Ryan holding a hose with a big grin on his face.

“Let’s go, princess. We don’t have all day.”

Cursing under my breath, I get up and shiver. I cannot believe he sprayed me with cold water. “Fine. Whatever.” I grab the hoop and try again.

Ryan stands in front of me and places his hands on my hips. “Like this,” he instructs and moves with me. Okay, this isn’t so bad, I tell myself. Ryan lets go and the hula hoop finally swings around my waist.

“Oh my gosh! I’m doing it!” I laugh and continue hula hooping. I know it’s not a big deal, but to me, it is.

“See, practice makes perfect and you have the hottest teacher,” he says, bowing in front of me. “Alright, next one is whistling. So come on, show me what you have.” I do and spit goes everywhere. Not a classy move. “Wow, okay. That’s bad. So, I want you to lick your lips and form them into the shape of a duck face.” I do as he says and feel his hands on my cheeks. “Now gently blow,” he whispers. There are lots of things going on with my body and I can’t shake them off. “Keep going.” His voice is smooth and intense. Does he have to sound this sexy? Wait. Sexy. Ryan? No. I curse myself and push the sight of him out of my head.

A few attempts and I have it. With both of us smiling, we head inside and I run upstairs to change out of my wet clothes. When I come down and head to the living room, I see him sitting down with his head in his hands.

“You okay?” I ask, touching his shoulder and sitting down next to him.

“Yeah, just tired. You mind if we cut today short?”

“No, that’s fine. Want me to come over and hang with you?” He shakes his head and gets up to walk towards the door. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Don’t worry about me, hula girl. I promise, I’m okay. I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay?”

“No problem. Feel better.” I watch him leave and get into his car. Moving back inside, I lean against the door. I can’t believe he made me do those things and didn’t give up until I did them.

Sending Tyler a good night text, I climb into bed and fall asleep. There’s still so much on my mind and I have to force myself to stop thinking.

I cry and feel his hands on my ass. “Damn girl, your ass is fucking delicious.”

“Please stop,” I beg and keep looking for anything to grab. I need to get away from him.

“You know,” he says, “the more you beg, the more I want it. So keep going.” He licks my ass cheeks and all I can do is cry, whimpering, knowing what’s going to happen.

He’s taking his time with me. I want to yell hurry up and leave, so I can be alone. I hate knowing what he’s going to do and there’s nothing I can do to stop him.

“I promise I’ll make this good for you.” I cry harder. He’s gripping my hips and holding me tight. “Tell me you’ve been a bad girl.”

“No.”

He tugs my hair, jerking my head back. His lips are near my ears, “Say it.”

“Please, I won’t tell anyone about this. Let me go. I’m begging you.”

“Say. It.”

“I’ve been a bad girl,” I whimper and feel a slap across my ass. “Stop!” I scream and feel the sharp pain of him inside me. “God, please stop!”

I sit up straight on my bed and gasp for air. The scream rips through me and it takes me a moment to remember where I am. “You’re home,” I tell myself, “you’re home and you’re safe.”

My parents burst through my door and my mom runs to me, holding me in her arms. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she frantically asks, rocking me back and forth. I hold onto her and try to steady my breathing.

“Bad dream,” I sniff and let her go, “I’m okay.”

My dad pats my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m okay. Promise.”

Both of my parents kiss me goodnight and leave my room. The door is partially open and I see the lights turn off. I lie back down on my side and look out the window towards Tyler’s house. The moonlight shines down and tears flow from my eyes. I miss him so much and need him here.

My body trembles through the night and I have to keep telling myself I’m okay. The nightmares are getting harsher. Usually, I see his face and hear him call me pretty girl. I want that night to be out of my memory. It’s consuming me when there’s no one around and I have to fight to come back. I grip the sheets and count to ten. I’m going to be okay.

The sound of my phone startles me. I pick it up, seeing a text message from Ryan.

Ryan: Still up?

Me: Trying to sleep

Ryan: Bullshit . . . I’m climbing through your window now so unlock it

Me: Why

Ryan: Just do it

Getting up, I unlock my window and throw on a light, zip up hoodie. Sitting back down on my bed, I wait for Ryan to come in. Feeling a little weird with him wanting to come in so late, I wonder what his deal is and why he wants to see me.

After a few minutes, I hear the window open and see him popping in.

“Hi?” I say, with uncertainty and doubt.

“Don’t be like that. I’m only here because your mom told my mom you’re having bad nightmares again, so I’m offering my cuddling services.”

“You’re what?”

“You heard me.” He walks over to the other side of the bed. Tyler’s side. And gets under the covers. “Can you turn off the light, please? I’m exhausted.”

“You are not staying overnight. Are you serious right now?”

“Stop fighting it, Bayleigh Renee. Turn off the lights. I need to sleep.”

Fuming, I look at the time and it’s already pretty late. I don’t want to make a scene and wake up my parents. Getting under the covers as well, I turn and look at him. “If you touch me, I’ll chop off your precious cock.” He smirks and places both hands behind his head.

“Night, sweetheart.”

“Night,” I mutter, reaching over and shutting off the lights. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out.

Waking up the next morning, with strong arms around me, and legs tangled with other legs, I jolt open my eyes and see Ryan’s sleeping face. I didn’t have a nightmare last night and I slept very well. I can’t believe having Ryan here is helping me and I can’t believe I’m feeling okay with him here. There’s an anxious feeling brewing inside me. I don’t know why he’s here and what his plans are. I’m nervous to find out.

I can forgive him for leaving and for that night. I don’t blame him, nor have I ever. The secrets he’s hiding won’t make me hate him either. I want to be there for him the way he is for me. Ryan is a cocky asshole, with a big heart and he means well. A lot of people misunderstand him and judge him before getting to know him. On so many levels, I feel connected to him and the anger I have towards him slowly goes away.

Then I think about Tyler. If he saw this, right now, he’d flip. Tyler’s never liked my friendship with Ryan. I never understood why, nor did I ask. I figured it was Tyler being overprotective and guarded because it’s me.

Maybe once he comes back, I can explain to him having Ryan in my life isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes strong friendships help pave the path to becoming a stronger person. When you have someone who is strong and willing to push you and keep pushing you, there’s a drive that builds inside. We both push each other and I want that again.

“God, stop thinking,” he moans and pulls me in closer.

“Let go,” I laugh and nudge myself away from him. “I have to get ready for work.”

“You can be late,” he tells me and it takes all my strength to get out of his death grip. “You know,” he opens his eyes, “I can get used to this whole waking up next to my best friend.”

I roll my eyes and grab my clothes for today, “I’m sure you can. Okay, now go bye bye.”

He blows me a kiss and winks at me before leaving my room.