Текст книги "Affliction"
Автор книги: River Savage
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 21 страниц)
CHAPTER NINE
Holly
“Don’t you dare die,” Sy’s panic-laced words play over in my head. Die? What does it mean to die? Would the pain and the emptiness growing inside of me cease to exist? Would death be better? I wished the darkness that had crept behind my eyes in that old barn would come back to me and blanket me. I want to cry, to scream, but my throat is numb, my heart heavy and belly vacant.
“Holly, Sy’s here to see you.” My mom’s voice breaks through my distant stare.
“I don’t want to see anyone.” I look up and realize silent tears are falling from her tired eyes and I know I’ve caused them. My mom has always been beautiful. Her flawless skin and perfectly sitting hair was one of the things I admired when growing up. Standing before me now¸ I realize that woman is long gone. Worry lines that were never there fill her forehead and run down around her sad eyes. I know she hasn’t left me for more than a few hours in the last two weeks and she’s no doubt exhausted, but it hasn’t stopped me from being difficult.
“Holly,” she says again, breaking through the haze surrounding me.
“What?” I snap, over talking about Sy.
“He has sat outside your room every day for the last two weeks,” she informs me; her tone speaks of disapproval. She thinks I’m rude. Maybe I am, but I can’t bear to see him right now.
“Just don’t push it,” I whisper, hating myself for putting her through this.
“Do you really mean what you just said, about death?” she whispers, throwing me off for a moment. We were talking about Sy and now death? “You were mumbling while you were sitting there,” she explains when she sees the confused look on my face.
“No, Mom,” I lie, not knowing what I mean anymore. “I was just thinking aloud,” I tell her, hoping she believes me.
“Have you been talking to the grief counselor when they’ve stopped by?”
“Mom, I promise I’m fine.”
“Okay, good. Then tell Sy yourself. Tell him you don’t want to see him, and maybe he will listen to you.” I hold in the initial panic, hoping the steps the doctor taught me last week will help me through this moment.
“I’m not telling him anything, Mom.”
“You will be,” Sy’s voice interrupts mine, and instantly I’m taken back to the place I’m trying desperately to forget.
“No,” I manage to get out before my chest tightens as confusion clouds my mind. It’s like a sudden and terrible awareness of the world around me—like I’m watching myself from a distance.
I struggle to catch my breath; each pull of air stretches out my heart.
“Holly?” I hear my mom’s faint voice, but I’m too taken in the moment. My hand goes to my chest; the overwhelming feeling to run burns through me. If I could just get out of this room, maybe I could breathe.
“Holly,” Sy’s deep murmur anchors me to the bed. The man that tailspins me into a panic, now has the calming effect I need.
“Deep breaths.” The timbre of his voice is soft and controlled. “Focus on me,” he instructs as I clutch hard at my hospital gown. “You’re safe. Nothing is going to hurt you.” His words slowly chase the intense pain away. “Close your eyes.” He continues to take control of the situation and my body listens. Closing my eyes, I continue with my breathing exercises and soon the sensation of my world spinning slows as the numbness separates me from reality. I stay in it, not caring if I ignore the world.
“Good girl,” my mom finally says, reminding me she too just witnessed another of my panic attacks. I block it out. Worrying about it will probably set me off again. Instead, I focus on the slow rhythm of my deep breathing. To the room, I look as though I’ve returned, coming back calmly after what just transpired, but to me, I return with a piece of my sanity missing. My body feels heavy and my head foggy. After five minutes of silence, I build up enough courage to open my eyes.
“Welcome back,” Sy says first, and I can’t bring myself to look his way.
“Please go,” I plead, feeling the tears start to fall.
“Don’t make me go,” he replies and the anguish in his voice makes me want to cave, to let him stay, but I can’t even look at him.
“Please,” I repeat, turning away from him and protecting myself under the itchy hospital blanket.
“Holly—” my mom pleads, but I cut her off.
“I can’t do this with him here,” I tell her honestly. Just knowing he witnessed my meltdown has my chest tightening again.
“I don’t want to go, but I will,” he finally replies after moments of silence. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Don’t,” I say, knowing I won’t want to see him tomorrow.
“I will and I will wait outside this door until you see me, Holly,” he warns, his tone telling me he means every word of his threat, but I don’t reply. There’s no point. The room is quiet, but I don’t chance a look. I need him gone. After a few more minutes, I hear the door click shut, but at his exit, I realize the heaviness in my heart doesn’t leave, the gunshot wound to my stomach doesn’t stop throbbing, and the darkness I crave never takes me.
“You know you have to tell him,” my mom finally speaks after a few beats of silence.
“I know, Mom,” I snap, regretting it instantly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. One minute I’m having a breakdown and the next I’m angry. “I will,” I say gentler this time. “I just need to get through these panic attacks.”
She knows without me telling her that Sy was the father of my baby. She asked me the first day I was awake. I didn’t deny it. What was the point? I did make her promise she would never tell anyone. I decided when the doctor told me I had lost the baby that it wasn’t meant to be. Getting into that side of things with Sy would only spell trouble, and somehow in my messed-up head, I thought it would be better. But as the days go on, it doesn’t make me feel better. I mean, how do you deal with the loss of someone who didn’t have a chance to live?
No matter how hard I try, the memory of waking up in this room and asking about my baby has the darkest of clouds descending over me. The doctor's silence told me everything I needed to know. I didn’t know until that very moment that the thought of not having my child nestled inside of my womb would be the most heartbreaking thing I would ever have to endure. To know the baby you were carrying is no more, where only a week earlier, its heart was thumping with life, fills me with a pain so deep I don’t think it will ever fade. I feel alone, lost to the emptiness that settles within me and I don’t understand.
“The doctors said it’s normal, Holly.” She comes to sit on my bed, her warm hand taking my own. I know they’ve said it’s normal to experience all these feelings after a trauma, but it doesn’t make me feel better.
“Darling girl, you know I’ll support anything you decide, but that man out there is fighting the darkness just as you are. I see it in his face. You shouldn’t be pushing him away.” I don’t say anything, just keep staring ahead, my eyes growing heavy. “No man sits outside a hospital room fighting his demons for no reason. Give him a chance.” I agree with what she is saying, I see it in Sy’s eyes, but I can’t do it. I can’t push past it yet.
“I’m not ready,” I simply say, knowing she won’t understand. No one understands.
“Okay, darling.” Her hands go to my cheeks, wiping away my silent tears. “I love you, Holly Bear,” she says as my eyes close.
“Holly Bear,” I whisper my childhood name back to her. “I love you, Mom,” I say just as sleep takes me.
My exhaustion blankets me. I love my mom; her love is beyond comparable. I’m so thankful for her trying to dissipate the clouds of darkness surrounding me, even if it doesn't work. As my mind drifts into slumber, I wonder if I would have been a mother like her, sitting by my daughter’s side while she tries to push everyone away?
And just like that, I’m back in my nightmare.
CHAPTER TEN
Sy
“Holly,” I plead, pumping her chest eight beats before blowing my breath into her body. Fuck, I never thought I would ever have to do this again.
“Don’t you die,” I yell between breaths, remembering the feeling of loss and never wanting to have to live through it again.
“Don’t you dare die.” The words repeat over, and over as I pump her heart, begging it to start.
“Don’t you dare die…”
My pleading pulls me from my sleep. Sweat covers my brows as memories from that night flash through my mind. Fuck, another nightmare to add to the fucking reel.
“Are you all right, Sy?” Holly’s mom asks, sitting next to me in the waiting room of the hospital.
“How is she?” I ignore her concern for me. I’m only worried about her daughter.
“I calmed her until she fell asleep.” I nod as a sense of relief fills me. I’ve been coming to the hospital every day for the last two weeks. Every day, Melinda fills me in when Holly refuses to see me, but today I just had to push. I don’t know what it is. Every day since that night in the clubhouse, I knew the connection between us was something different; something more than just a one-time deal. I was just too scared to see it for what it was. You would think watching my child take her last breath would teach me to love without attachments and fears. Instead, I held back from her, afraid of what hurt someone else could inflict on me, and look where that got me.
I should have never gone there with her, never let a part of me open up again, but I did and now I’m stuck between wanting to walk away and knowing I can't.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks again, pulling me out of my head.
“How many is that now?” I reference the panic attack. I know she told me she’s been having them. I didn’t realize how bad they were. I don’t think I can handle seeing that look of fear on her face again.
“She’s been having at least one a day, sometimes two. The doctors said to expect it. She’s seeing someone and has been prescribed something to help.”
“Any news on when they’re releasing her?” I ask the one question I’ve asked every day for the last two weeks. I hate hospitals. The sooner she’s out of here, the sooner I can relax.
“A couple more nights. They want to make sure she doesn’t have another bleed.” I nod, understanding how touch and go it was last week. After the second surgery to stop the bleed from the gunshot wound, no one knew if she was going to make it. I wish I could take it all back, get there in time. If only I didn’t fuck around arguing with one of T’s boys, I could have beaten the bullet. “You should go home,” she whispers, pulling me out of my self-loathing,
“I can’t leave her,” I tell her truthfully. I don’t even know why, but something is keeping me here. Holding me in the hospital when I can’t fucking stand to be here.
“Even though you’re struggling?” she observes, trying to figure me out.
I solemnly nod. There’s no point in denying it. “This isn’t about me. It’s about her, and I need to be here.”
“You need to give her some space. She can’t deal with everything she is going through, Sy,” she says, letting me know in her sweet motherly-way what I already know deep down inside. I might be feeling these feelings, but Holly is dealing with shit and I can’t push her.
“Go home. I promise I’ll call you when she’s released, and I’ll keep you updated,” she says, resting her hand over mine. “But please, give my girl some time,” she says, patting it softly. I haven’t had the nurturing touch of a mother in such a long time, I’m stuck in the sensation of it. I don’t move, don’t respond—just sit, lost in it.
Knowing I can’t help Holly when she is only twenty feet away from me is going to kill me, but I know if I force her, I’ll only end up pushing her further away. If I ever want her light to help me out of my darkness, then I need to wait. So I’m going to do just that. I will sit in the darkness waiting—waiting for her to come and guide me back out. And while I wait, hoping the light comes soon, I will thank God I’m not afraid of the dark.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Holly
Three months later.
“You can do this,” I say, looking at myself in the rear-view mirror. “You have to do this,” I repeat, forcing myself to just get it over with. Still outside the Knights Rebels’ clubhouse, I’m so tempted to turn around and not come back. But I can’t. I can’t keep running away.
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I push my new bangs off my face and steal a breath as I exit the car. I can do this. I just need to remember my breathing exercises and pray I make it through the night. The last thing I need tonight is to lose it.
The gravel under my feet crunches as I walk to the front of the clubhouse. I don’t want to be here, but I know if I don’t pull my shit together I’m going to have Kadence and Nix on my back. It’s Kadence’s birthday party, and as much as I love my best friend, I’m struggling to even make it through the front door.
My stomach rolls as I walk past the first row of bikes lined up.
“Hey, Holly,” someone calls as I walk down the hall to the main room.
“Hi.” I fake smile and keep walking, too chicken-shit to stop and make small talk. Just get this over with, I remind myself before turning the corner to face the people I’ve been hiding from for the last few months. My eyes scan the clubhouse, and I feel lost, like everything and everyone has a purpose but me. In a daze, everything around me becomes misty, but like a beacon in the night, my eyes instantly connect with his. Oh, God. He watches me across the club and his stare alone has me wanting to turn and walk straight back out. I have not seen him since that day in the hospital when I completely flipped out. I thought for sure I would have seen him the next day. He seemed so adamant that we would be talking, but he never showed. At first, I was relieved that I didn’t have to see him and thought the panic of what he represented wouldn’t follow me. But as the days went by and he didn’t return, I realized I was wrong. The panic still came, and what he represented was still in my mind. For every day he ignored me, I became more lost. He walked away, when I asked him to, yet I needed him.
I divert my eyes finding Kadence and Nix, but before I know it, I’m back to watching Sy. His eyes narrow when they meet mine. Before I can make a move, I see him stalk toward me. I falter in my step not sure what to do. I can’t leave. I’ve made it this far. Instead, I try to find an escape, somewhere to detour away from him. But before I can come up with anything, his hand is around my wrist and he’s growling in my ear.
“What the fuck did you do to your hair?” What the fuck? The man doesn’t speak to me for weeks and that’s what he asks?
“Get your hands off me.” I jerk, trying to release myself from his hold.
“I’m not even kidding, Holly. What the fuck did you do to your hair?” he asks again. I’ve pictured this scene play out so many times in the last few weeks, and never in any of the scenarios did I think that’s what he would be asking.
“Sy, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Kadence races over to where we stand before I can answer him.
“Stay out of it, Kadence. This is between Holly and me.” Sy’s eyes rest on me, not releasing his grip.
“Like hell, Sy. Let her go,” she snaps back, moving in to break the connection he has on me. His grip softens, but still stays firm. I narrow my eyes when he smiles and my heart rate spikes up. Keep it together, Holly.
I see Nix pull Kadence back to the side, but I don’t take my eyes off the arrogant man holding me.
“You’re keeping your shit together. I’ll give you that,” he whispers, his breath warm and inviting over my ear. “But we will be talking tonight. You can guarantee that,” he promises before pulling back. I don’t move, but focus on my breathing. He’s right. I am keeping my shit together, but if I don’t get away from him, I’ll fucking lose it.
“If you’ll excuse me, I need a drink,” I say, turning my back and heading for the bar.
“Holly,” he calls before I get too far away. “I’m serious. I’ll give you that play, but after that,” he points at Nix dropping down to one knee, “we will talk.” I don’t reply. I just stare as my best friend stands awkwardly while Nix proposes marriage in the middle of the clubhouse.
“You okay, girly?” Mr. Turner asks when I walk over to where Kadence’s parents watch on.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you?” I ask, nodding as Nix drags Kadence, his new fiancée, through the crowd.
“He’s good people. He wouldn’t ask her if he didn’t have every intention of making my girl happy,” he says, reaching over, hooking Kadence’s mom around the waist, and pulling her close to him.
“He is good people,” I agree. “The whole club is.” Hell, if it weren’t for them, Kadence nor I would be here right now. Even if I have pushed these people away, I know they saved me and I have them to thank.
“Come on. Let's go congratulate our girl.” He pulls me out of my thoughts.
“You go. I’ll wait,” I say, pointing to the bar, eager to have a drink. The line to congratulate the couple is already ten-people deep. I’d rather try to relax myself before trying to fake happiness.
“Okay, save a drink for me. You and me have got some catching up to do,” he says, turning back to see his daughter. I walk back a few steps watching them go and when my back meets with the bar, I turn, ready for a distraction.
“Hey, Hunter. I need you to get me drunk,” I say, pointing to the bottle of whiskey, catching the young prospect off guard. “Start me off at two and keep them coming,” I boss him. He smiles and places a glass in front of me. I watch as he fills it with an amber-colored liquid, and when he’s done, I pick it up, tip my head and throw it back. Slamming the glass down to the bar, I take a second and repeat the action.
“Whoa there,” he says, watching me carefully.
“Another,” I demand, ignoring his concern. He raises his brows, but I raise mine back, letting him know I mean business. He shrugs and fills my glass back up.
“Good, now keep them coming,” I say, watching him shake his head in laughter.
“You got a broken heart, Holly?” he asks, leaning over the bar.
“What?” I’m thrown by his question.
“People only drink like that if they have a broken heart.” He shrugs, thinking he has me worked out.
“What do you know about a broken heart? Do you even have a girlfriend?” I rudely ask.
“No, why? You offering?” he jokes and I laugh, the noise sounding foreign to me. I haven’t laughed in such a long time I forgot how great it felt.
“You wish.” I shake my head at him. He might be cute with his dark features and great body, but he’s just a kid. Besides, I wouldn’t go there. One pissed-off biker is already enough to handle.
“Yeah, that’s one wish you’re not getting.” Kelly, Brooks’ wife, comes up and flicks Hunter’s ear. “How are you, Holly?” she asks, smiling across at me.
“Good,” I lie, because who wants the truth? No, I’m not fine. I’m a fucking mess and just pretending everything is fine.
“I love the new do,” she compliments me and inside I cringe. I don’t know why I cut it and changed the color. I blame it on one of my famous rash decisions.
“Thanks,” I fake smile. “So, good news about Kadence and Nix.” I move the conversation off me and onto something else that won’t make me want to break down.
“It is. I can’t believe the Prez is settling down.” She shakes her head, looking over as Nix and Kadence talk with her mom and dad. “You’ll be next.” She winks and I laugh. Only this time it’s forced. I turn to Hunter giving him the nod.
“Another one, Hunter,” I say, ignoring the look passed between them. This is what I need; something to stop the pain and help me pretend. ‘Cause I sure as hell need to tonight.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Sy
It’s her laugh that lets me know she’s outside. Not that it’s her usual happy laugh that I once remember. The one that no matter how many times I told myself I hated listening to, it would still bring me some kind of peace. Like for once in my fucked-up situation, I could see some light. No, this laugh was something else. A mask hiding her pain. She thinks no one can see it; see the hurt she hides behind, but to me it stands out, screaming for someone to take it all away. If only I weren't so fucked up, maybe I could help her.
“Hey brother, you sort out the front gate?” Brooks asks, coming to stand next to me on the threshold of the back door. I just did a check after seeing Nix and Kadence off. We might have had Gunner sorted out, but we’re still keeping our eyes open. Since the girls have been home, we’ve had eyes on them every day. I’ve kept my distance from Holly at her mom’s request, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching.
“Yep, all good on my end,” I reply, scanning for who’s left tonight and how much trouble Holly can get herself into. Most of the party has broken up, and now the Friday night crowd’s starting to settle in for a weekend of booze and pussy.
“You gonna go sort that out anytime soon?” he asks, and he doesn’t have to say her name for me to know who and what he’s talking about.
“Getting there,” I tell him, turning back to watch her plant her ass down on the runt's lap. She started drinking after our little talk and I haven’t had a chance to get her alone. Once everyone said their congratulations, she never left Kadence’s side. But now that her bulldog-protector best friend has gone home, I’ve got an opening.
“She’s so far in her own head, I don’t think she realizes we can see past it all,” I say, turning back to him. I know I have no claim to her, but at the same time, just the thought of her pert ass sitting on Hunter’s lap has me grinding my teeth.
“She’s still dealing. I get it. We’ve all been there, been watching you do it for the last few years,” he says, taking a pull of beer.
I ignore his dig at me, but agree with him about her. Thinking back to the first time I met her, walking into the shop drunk and throwing her attitude around. She might think she has everyone fooled, but I know she’s not the same person.
“Two different things, but I’ll give you that,” I tell him, not prepared to get into sharing.
“Might be, but her way of coping is no different than what you do," he says, telling me what I already know. I do know, fuck. I live with that shit every day, but seeing her live through the shit she’s hiding is getting old. Fast.
“Sy, can you help me with her? She’s completely off her face,” Kelly asks, looking over at Holly as she throws back another shot.
“Yep,” I say, ready to end this shit now.
“Sunshine,” Holly cheers from Hunter’s lap, jumping up and down as I stalk toward her. I ignore her name for me, pissed she would use it now, and even more pissed it stirs something in me.
“Keep those fucking hands to yourself, asshole,” I tell the runt. My tone leaves no room for argument, but for extra measure, I level my stare at him. He nods, swallowing obviously and keeping his hands up.
“She just sat down,” Hunter says in his defense, but I don’t give a fuck.
“Sy, why have you got to be so cranky all the time?” she asks, looking up at me. Her glassy eyes shine with a playfulness I haven’t seen in a long time.
“Come on. Let’s go.” Taking one of her wrists in my hand, I pull her off him.
“Ooh, where are we going?” she asks, leaning into me. “Are you going to take me back to your room?” she whispers into my ear, her warm voice spreads through me. I try not to let it affect me. She’s so far gone; she would never act like this sober. Instead, I march her ass inside, away from all the fucks looking at her like they want a piece.
“Sy, take me to your room,” she tries again, this time pulling out of my hold.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I ask, taking her arm back and pulling her into the kitchen.
“What do you mean? I’m having a drink, having fun. Seeing as though I’m at a party and all,” she laughs her fake-ass laugh.
“How much have you had to drink?” I ask, wondering how much Hunter has been serving her.
“I don’t know, but you’re still annoying me, so I need more.”
“Holly.”
“What? You are,” she says and if I weren't pissed that she was just rubbing her ass up along one of my brothers, I would be excited her attitude has returned.
“Are you meant to be drinking with your pills?”
“How do you know about my pills?” she snaps, my question almost giving away that I’ve kept tabs on her.
“Answer the question, Holly.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Sy.” She spins to leave, but I hook my arm around her waist and pull her back to me.
“Oh, I know, but what you want and what you’re going to get are two different things,” I tell her, picking her up and planting her ass on the counter. She doesn’t fight it; instead, she pushes herself back and rests her head on the wall, pouting.
“Are you listening to me, Holly?” I ask and wait for her to answer.
“’I’m so tired, Sy,” she says, barely above a whisper, and for a moment I don’t know if she means tonight or in general. Then she looks at me, her eyes so fucking lost I don’t even know how to help her find her way.
“I know, girl. Fuck, you work so hard; no wonder you’re exhausted.” I wait for her to respond, but what is there to say really. Moving away, I get a cup ready to sober her up.
“Do you take sugar?” I ask, coming back to her. “Holly?” I touch her when she doesn’t respond, but she’s already asleep. Her head falls to the side and her eyes are closed. Taking her in my arms, I walk her through the clubhouse to my room. There’s no way I’m leaving her out here alone. Wrestling with the handle, I manage to open the door and get through without dropping her dead weight.
“Sy?” she mumbles from my arms.
“Shhh,” I soothe her, not up for an argument.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” she mumbles, forcing me to detour to the bathroom.
“Hold on,” I say, flicking on the switch.
“I’m going to be—” She doesn’t get to finish before vomit covers the front of both me and her dress.
“Oh, God,” she moans, bringing her hands up to cover her face.
“Shit, Holly,” I curse, placing her on her feet in front of the toilet.
“I’m so sorry,” she apologizes, leaning over into the toilet bowl before throwing up again. “Oh. My. God,” she repeats again as her body wracks with silent heaving while I get her a glass of water. Looking down the front of me, I quickly remove my fucked-up cut and shirt.
“Sy,” she moans, “I don’t feel too good.” She shakes her head in the bowl.
“Get it all out. You’ll feel better tomorrow,” I tell her, cleaning myself off. I watch her for another ten minutes until she starts to fall asleep.
“Come on, girl,” I say, pulling her up and sitting her on the toilet.
“But it’s so comfortable,” she argues, looking like complete shit.
“You’ll be more comfortable without vomit down your tits.” I point down the front of her.
“God, how embarrassing,” she says, looking down the front of her. Her hands go to her straps, pushing them off her shoulders. I keep my gaze up high, knowing I can’t handle seeing her naked and so close to me.
“Help me, Sy,” she slurs, pushing the dress down her body and swaying on the spot.
“Here.” I offer her my hand, and pull her up to standing. My hands go to the tops of her arms, holding her still as she steps out of the dress.
“Oh, does this remind you of something?” She giggles and I make a note to check her meds, and alcohol side effects.
“Give me a second,” I tell her as I guide her back down to sit on the toilet lid while I grab a clean washcloth and an old T-shirt for her to throw on.
“You awake?” I ask when I come back in and see her slouched over herself, her head hanging low. “Holly?” I nudge her, but she’s completely out of it. Who the fuck falls asleep sitting up? Wetting the cloth, I try to wipe her down as best as possible before I put her in one of my shirts. She doesn’t stir once and I know my night is going to be rough making sure she’s okay. Picking her up, I carry her back to my room, and place her on the left side of my bed. She rolls into the fetal position, curling into herself and nestling into the pillow. She looks so innocent, yet when I look at her, I see myself; a lost person who’s trying to fight the darkness. Only I’ve had years to perfect it.
Taking the blanket, I cover her and pray she doesn’t get sick again. The last thing I need to be doing is changing my sheets after the night we just had.
“Night, Holly.” I brush a piece of hair off her face.
“Sy,” she murmurs before she’s out again, but the damage is done. My name coming from her lips as she finds sleep explodes into my heart.
I’m fucking screwed.
