Текст книги "Affliction"
Автор книги: River Savage
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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 21 страниц)
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Holly
“So, how far along are you?” I ask Kadence, trying my hardest to hold in the tight feeling putting pressure on my chest. I’ve been avoiding her the last week, blowing her off every time she has called. I know she’s been worried, concerned that her news has sent me backward in my recovery, and while the news came as a shock, hearing she is becoming a mom when I’m not, doesn't hurt as much as she thinks. Yes, a small amount of jealousy has stirred in me the last few days, but I think the panic that came over me after her announcement happened because it reminded me of the secret I was hiding from Sy.
“Twelve weeks,” she whispers, unsure.
“Twelve weeks? Wow!”
“Yeah, Nix wanted to try as soon as he put that engagement ring on my finger,” she laughs nervously. "We only found out the day we left for Cancun. I had no time to tell you.”
“Kadence, stop.” I hate she has to try and explain it to me.
“I wanted to tell you in private. I wasn’t sure how you were going to react,” she rushes out like she needs to get it off her chest.
“It’s okay, Kadence. I’m happy for you,” I smile, and I do mean it. It hurts to think that had things been different, I would have been doing this along with her, but I still love her, and knowing she is about to start this journey is amazing.
“Have you spoken to him?” she asks, treading lightly on a subject she knows causes me pain.
“I went to see him yesterday, but Jesse said he was out of town,” I tell her and watch her look sad again.
“Yeah, he's been out a few days.”
“How has he been?” I torture myself with my need to know.
“About as well as you, but like I said, he hasn't been around much, and Nix won't talk about it with me.” I nod, not feeling any better. “I’m so sorry, Holly. I feel like this is all my fault.”
“It's my fault. I should have told him sooner. It would have been kinder to him not to have done it in front of everyone, but that's on me. Now, I just wait.”
“Well, they went out on club business and something happened. I’m not sure ‘cause as you know, my husband won’t let me in on these secret pickups.” She raises her hands up and air quotes pickups.
“I’m sure he has his reasons, Kadence,” I say, not sure what to tell her. I know about what happens. I just don't know if there is a reason Nix won't tell her.
“You know what they’re doing, don’t you,” she accuses, her eyes trying to stare it out of me.
“No,” I lie.
“Holly, don’t bullshit me. What is it?” She comes forward, sliding closer.
“Kadence, if Nix doesn’t want you to know, I’m not going to tell you,” I tell her, deciding a pissed-off Nix is worse than a pissed-off Kadence.
“Oh, my God. You bitch. Tell me, now,” she growls, making me laugh.
“Oh, you really are hormonal, aren’t you?”
“Oh, my God. Am I ever,” she agrees. “Nix is in for a rude shock. Now, tell me,” she demands.
“I really am happy for you, Kadence.” I change the subject, reaching out and taking her hand. “I love you and I can’t wait to see you as a mom.” She wipes at her face before embracing me in a tight hug.
“I love you, too,” she cries into my neck, almost squeezing me to the point of suffocation. I let her hold me, let her comfort fill me. I’m not half the mess I was laying in the hospital, and I know a lot of the reason why is because of her constant love and support.
“I’m going to need some more coffee after these tears,” I announce, standing to refill my cup.
“Make me jealous why don’t you,” she calls out.
“You want anything?”
“Coffee,” she begs, but she already told me no to caffeine now that she's pregnant. “No, I’m good,” she replies as the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it,” she calls, getting up and moving to the door.
“Sy? Is everything okay?”’ I hear her ask, and I feel the world spin around me. Oh, God. He’s here.
“Is Holly in?” he asks and the sound of his voice centers me. I didn’t realize how much I missed hearing it, how much I needed to hear it.
“In the kitchen,” I hear her tell him, so I quickly face the sink, trying to busy my hands. I have no idea what I’m going to say. I’m not prepared for this. Yesterday, I was full of answers, full of passion to see him. Now, I’m second guessing that he even wants to see me again after the way we left things.
“Holly, I need to run. I’ll call you later,” Kadence calls from the door. As I turn, I see him standing before me.
“Okay, bye,” I say back, never taking my eyes from his gaze. We stand like this for a moment, leaving Kadence to find her way out.
“Hi,” he finally speaks, breaking the silence between us.
“Hi,” I reply, feeling like a fool.
“You came to see me.” It's not a question but a statement. He folds his arms across his chest as he leans back on the doorframe.
“I did,” I admit, wishing the awkwardness wasn’t there. Long gone is the easiness between us, and I know it's my doing. I put that between us, but that doesn't make it better.
“I’m so sorry,” I break first after a few beats. I’ve realized I’m not ready for him to shut me out. He walks forward, his arms envelope me, and as much as I don’t deserve it, I’m thankful for it.
“I wanted to tell you. I swear it.” I cry for the mess we find ourselves in.
“Don’t talk,” he instructs, picking me up and carrying me down the hall to the bedroom. I don’t argue, the tears too heavy and my heart too broken.
“We’re going to make it. Tell me we are going to make it, Sy,” I plead, feeling painfully disconnected from him. From us.
“We’ll talk tomorrow. Just let me hold you.” He places me in bed and tucks my back to his front.
“I wish I could take it back.” The need to explain myself is too much to hold in; I can’t keep the words inside. He doesn’t respond, doesn’t tell me it’s okay, because it’s not and I know it won’t ever be. He just holds me as I cry for the baby we lost, for the lies that were told and when I’m all cried out, I ponder once again on the thought of whether we can pull through this.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Sy
Her blonde hair splays out over the dark pillow and her white skin glows in the first light of the morning sun coming through the window. She’s so fucking beautiful. I know she’s awake, know she’s probably pretending to sleep, like me. Is she too frightened to talk, or does she not know what to say, or how to react? I know I shouldn't have left it this long to connect with her. Hell, leaving her wasn’t the best thing, but I just couldn’t get a handle on my feelings. I didn’t expect to be caught up in Redwick with Mackenzie and waiting for her surgery, but now I’ve had the time to work through the emotions of the past and the present, I want to shake her and ask why? Why couldn’t she trust me with this? Why, when I thought she was coming back to herself, was she just pushing that hurt further down?
“Sy?” she whispers beside me, breaking through our charade.
“Why?” I try and keep my words short and soft, but I know I can’t control the harshness in my voice.
“Why?” she repeats back to me.
“Yes, why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I had only found out two weeks before–” her body shudders when she drags in a large breath. “Before the shooting,” she finishes. I force myself not to react. Knowing that fucker Edwards took this from us just fuels my rage. If I could go back and kill the fucker again, I’d make sure it was more painful.
“And after, were you going to tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” I pull her shoulder back to watch her face. Her eyes are puffy and red; her tear-streaked cheeks only make it harder for me. Fuck. She’s been dealing with this on her own for that long.
“Each time I went to tell you it became harder and harder,” she cries as her hands come up to cover her face, still hiding from me. Always fucking hiding. I pry them down, wanting to see her when I talk to her, but afraid I’m going to push her too far.
“You should have told me, Holly.”
“I was going to, but then I found out about Keira and I just didn’t know how it would compare with what you already lost,” she answers me, but her reasoning just pisses me off. How could she think that?
“You think that makes a difference, Holly? Yes, I lost a daughter, but you had my baby inside of you. No matter what you think, that matters to me.”
“I’m sorry, Sy,” she hiccups as tears drown her face.
“How could you keep this from me?”
“You don’t know what it’s been like, what I’ve been through.” She wipes at her face, the panic still there, but I can see it’s not as strong.
“You’re right. I don’t know what it must have been like for you, but you know I know what loss feels like. It wouldn’t have made a difference to me, Holly. I could have mourned our child with you. Instead, you took that from me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I tried to tell you, but I didn’t know how. You have every right to be angry, but this was taken from me, too, Sy.” She breaks in my arms and the past comes crashing back and the memories bring on a new wave of sadness. “It was taken from me too,” she repeats. Her words become lost in the sobs of her grief. I hold her as she finally lets me in, but I don’t say anything, my mind and heart still coming to terms with it all.
“I lost the baby,” she sobs, turning her anger toward me, her fists hitting at my chest.
“Our baby,” I correct her, letting her have this moment. This is what she should have given me, this moment right now. I don’t know how I would have responded six months ago if she had told me she was pregnant. I knew I wanted her—knew from the moment I met her she was different, and maybe the news would have pushed me away or brought me closer to her. I don't know. But I do know that in the last few months we’ve grown closer, I’ve fallen for this woman, and knowing something we created was taken from us, something that could have grown into someone amazing who can no longer be, makes it hurt so much more.
“I know we were only in it for fun, Sy, but when I heard that heartbeat, it didn’t matter. I was going to be a mom.” She cries harder, letting her emotions show. There’s nothing I can tell her that will make it better, no magic potion to stop the hurt. So I don’t say anything. I hold her and let her cry for a baby we shouldn’t have lost. A family we could have had. And I do it knowing I feel the same way. A prickly sensation covers my body, confusion clouds my mind and for the second time this week, I feel the painful sting of tears.
***
“I thought you’d left,” her sleepy voice drifts behind me as I flip the bacon over in the frying pan.
“No. Just got up to make you something to eat.” I turn and watch her looking uncomfortable—maybe unsure. She had fallen back to sleep after crying in my arms for over an hour, so I left her to sleep and decided to make breakfast. “Come here.” I hold my hand out for her, hating she doesn’t know how to act around me now. She falters for a moment before taking the first step.
“Why does this feel awkward?” she asks, burying her head into my neck.
“I think you’re the only one who’s making it awkward, baby.” I pull back, watching her. She’s right. There is an air of unease around us.
“I just don’t know how to act. I don’t know how I feel.” She steps back and hikes herself up on the counter. “I don’t know how you feel.” She whispers the last part without looking me in the eye. I want to go to her, tell her everything I’m feeling, not just the pain and the hurt, but that the lies she told were too much, she knows this. She knows how far we had come only for it to be shaken.
“How about I feed you, then we can talk,” I suggest, going back to the bacon. “Have you eaten this week?” I ask, looking up when she doesn’t answer.
“Not much,” she admits, making me feel worse for keeping her at a distance for so long.
“Well, let me feed you.” I turn, reaching up to get the plates out.
“Are you still angry?” she asks when I lay the plates out next to her, clearly not ready to wait.
“I don’t know. I think I’m just numb,” I tell her honestly, because I don’t want to lie anymore. I think the anger has gone, and now I’ve come to the conclusion that we need to move forward. I’m not going to lose her over this, and I don’t want to push her away.
“I hate that for you.” She looks down again at her hands, which sit on her lap.
“And I hate that for you, too, Holly. But we can’t change it now.” I walk forward and lift her chin with my finger. “What you did pisses me off more than anything, I can understand on some level why you were afraid to let me in, to let me help you heal. However it doesn't change the way I feel, Holly. It's just a whole lot of shit to deal with.” She nods in understanding. “Come on. Let's eat.” I step back to let her down. “Coffee?” I ask, moving to the coffee pot.
“Yes, please,” she answers, walking around the table while I serve up our breakfast.
We eat in silence, the comfortable peace we’ve always shared together slowly returning.
“Can I ask you a question?” Her voice pulls us out of the quietness. I nod, knowing whatever she has to ask, I’ll answer just to get us back to where we were.
“Would you have wanted me to keep the baby?” Her eyes look so unsure, as if the answer scares her, but the depth of her vulnerability is what scares me.
“What the hell, Holly?” I spin in my chair, reach out and pull her from her seat to sit on me. “I wanted you before I found out about the baby, Holly. I’m not going to lie. I never thought I would want another child after Keira, but knowing our child was in here—” my hands go to her stomach, “—fills me with hope. Hope that my heart can handle that again. I would have wanted him or her just as much as you did.”
“You say that now.” She looks up. “What if I was pregnant again now?”
“Could you already be?” I ask as a small fire lights inside of me. I was not expecting her to say this, but Jesus, could she have my child growing in her?
“I don’t think so. I mean it could be possible. We’ve done it a couple of times without protection, but I think we’re safe,” she says and a small part of me hopes she's wrong.
“Okay, so we be safe and we’ll see how we go,” I tell her, not sure how I feel about that.
“Well, if you stop coming in me, we would be safe.” She stands from my lap and takes our plates to the sink.
“Now, Holly. Don't be like that. You love it,” I tell her, not even caring my heart is leading me now.
“Sy, we need to stop. I'm certain we will be fine with the dates, but no more.”
“What if I don’t want to stop?” I ask, following her. She turns back, looking at me like I’ve lost my damn mind and maybe I have, but the thought of us trying for a baby doesn’t scare me like I thought it would.
“You have to. We can’t keep risking it.” She turns back to the sink. She’s saying that now, but all I can think about was the haunted look in her eyes when Kadence said she was pregnant.
I move in behind her. “What if I want to fill this belly again?” I ask, bringing my arms around her stomach. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say and I don’t care. Her words of possibility have sparked a dormant fire I didn't know I had hidden.
“Well, that’s not going to happen,” she says, pushing my hands away. “Be serious, Sy. We are not ready for that.”
“Never been more serious about anything, baby. Knowing you had my child in here…fuck, knowing we created a life together and we could have been parents makes me realize just how much I do want our own little family,” I confess. She doesn’t say anything, just watches me carefully.
“Sy, I don’t know if I’m ready.” She turns to dry her hands and faces me again. “Our relationship has been a tumultuous road. I feel like whenever we get to our next destination, something else happens. Can’t we just get to the next step without faltering?” I know what she’s saying is true. I know we’ve had a hard time, but that small chance she’s carrying my baby is flashing at me like a neon sign and I can’t let it go even if I wanted to.
“It was never going to be easy, you and me. We were doomed from the start with what has happened in my past, but look at us here, now. Don’t push me away because it scares you,” I tell her, knowing what she’s doing and refusing to put up with it. “You love me. I love you.” I pull her to me, bringing her back to my front, my hands finding her flat stomach. “If we have a baby in here, I know you will be ready,” I tell her, confident she will be. She might be able to brush it off as not wanting to know, but for me, more than anything I want to find out if my seed is planted in her. My baby. My woman. Mine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Holly
‘I know you will be ready.’
Sy’s words echo around my mind the next morning in bed as I try not to give away that I'm awake. Truth is, I've been awake for what feels like hours. Sy woke me earlier, with one of his nightmares again, only this time instead of Keira's name being called out, he was shouting Katie. I don't know what to make of him calling out for his ex-wife. When I first found out about Keira and Katie, Sy only talked about Keira. He refused to talk about Katie, only telling me that they are officially divorced. This new change in him has me concerned. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then I don't know how to help, or if I can help.
I feel him shift behind me, but I don’t move, still needing more time. I don’t know if I’m pretending like I did yesterday morning when I woke up in his arms after crying all night, or if this morning's act is a result of what Sy suggested over breakfast yesterday. Lying in his arms, reliving our conversation over and over in my head, I know he’s right. The thought of having a baby nestled back in my belly would be amazing. I just don’t know if I’m ready for it, ready to open myself up to that sort of vulnerability. I know I’ve ached for what we lost, for something I wasn’t sure I even wanted in the first place, but when I told Sy I wasn’t ready, I meant it.
“Are you awake?” His deep, thick voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Yeah,” I reply, giving up my act and turning over his way.
“How are you feeling?” He smiles down at me as I huddle in against his chest, my hand feeling the beat of his heart.
“Let’s not leave here,” I say, telling him how I feel in this moment. We both played hooky yesterday and decided to do the same today. We spent the day lost in our own world, away from everything around us, together trying to repair the broken pieces of what we had built. It’s what we have to do to move on from the lies of the past, what needs to be done to try to find our balance again.
“We have to go back out. You know this,” he says, lifting my chin and forcing me to look up at him. He holds my gaze and I know he can see through my panic.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing, nothing. Just the thought of leaving this apartment is daunting now.”
“You’ve been acting weird since we talked about the baby,” he says, calling me out. Shit.
“I just don't want to rush into anything. We’re still stumbling. Just please don’t put that pressure on me. On us,” I tell him, feeling in over my head. It's just all too much.
“There's no pressure, baby. Just let it be.” He pulls me closer to him. “It's you and me. Whatever happens, we do it together. You got that?” I nod in response, forcing myself to let it go. He's right. There’s no point worrying about it until we have to. I need to put it out of my mind.
“You need a haircut,” I tell him, taking my hand and running it through his longer hair and noticing the messy strands around his ears.
“Yeah and I have this hot woman who apparently cuts hair for living, but she’s always too damn busy,” he jokes, taking my wrist and kissing the inside of it.
“I thought you liked cutting it yourself?”
“I did, but now I’ve got a fine-ass woman like you who does a much better job at it than me, maybe I want you to cut it.”
“Okay, I can cut it,” I tell him, feeling nervous about the task.
“Naked,” he adds as I agree.
“Naked?” I choke out and he growls, no doubt picturing it. “Could you be any more cliché?” His grin tells me he actually finds the idea appealing. The idea of me standing in front of him naked while I cut his hair, would be the best vision ever apparently, if his hard cock pressed against my thigh is anything to go by. I let out an unladylike snort.
“If I cut your hair naked, I would get nothing done,” I tell him, seeing the whole thing play out in my mind. “You wouldn’t be able to keep your hands to yourself.” I speak the truth, knowing more than anything it would end up with me on his lap. Why am I arguing about this again?
“I sure as hell will be able to keep my hands to myself, Holly,” he scoffs and I almost believe him. Almost.
“Wanna bet?” I find myself asking, wanting to prove him wrong.
“You’re on,” he smirks before kissing me hard.
Five minutes later, Sy sits on my dining room chair, my black cape draped around him while I stand there, naked. Completely naked.
“I’ve never done this before. I can’t believe I agreed to this,” I say, picking up my clippers. I try not to let his stare break my concentration, but the tension in the room is building by the minute and I don’t know if I’m going to last.
“Sweetheart, there have been a lot of things I’ve done for the first time with you, but this is by far my favorite,” he rumbles as his gaze burns through me.
“Keep your hands to yourself, Sy,” I demand, my heart rate picking up. Turning the clippers on, I come forward and begin. He doesn’t move or talk, the buzzing sound filling the room. The vibrations of the clippers run up my arm and all through my body. The sensation is so intense I don’t know if the thick tension in the air is causing it, or if it’s from the erotic act as his stare burns through me, but an awareness runs through me that's just as fervid as the buzzing clippers in my hand. I don’t ever want it to stop. I try to keep my body away from him, moving around at arm’s length so he doesn’t touch me, but as I lean over, trying to make sure I get it even, his finger trails along the side of my waist. The feather light graze sends a tingle down my spine, like spurts of electricity jolt through me. Just from one touch.
“No touching, Sy.” My breath comes out choppy as I warn him. I then lean further over him hoping he does cave because the ache between my legs is becoming desperate.
“I’m struggling, Holly,” he growls. The rumble of his frustration goes straight to the throbbing in my core, setting me on fire.
“You’re going to lose.” I sashay my hips and move to his other side. The throb between my legs has taken on its own pulse and squeezing my thighs together only makes it worse.
“I don’t think I can keep that promise,” he admits, ripping the cape off then pulling me to his lap.
“Sy,” I laugh, twisting to face him.
“Fuck, you’re sexy,” he says, dropping his mouth to mine. Flicking the power off on the clippers, I let them drop to the floor.
“Your haircut is going to be uneven now,” I tell him as he trails kisses down my neck and his finger spreads me open and slides through my wetness.
“Jesus, woman, I hope you don’t treat all your clients like this.”
“Only the special ones,” I yelp as he nips at my neck, slides two thick fingers into me and then removes them in a slow and deliberate pace. The pleasure and pain that Sy brings me only makes me want him more.
“I am special,” he says, taking his finger to his mouth, and slowly sliding it past his lips. “Fuck, you taste so sweet,” he groans, closing his eyes and dropping his head back in total satisfaction. I laugh at his reaction. I've never had a man be so vocal and expressive. “Why are you laughing?” His head comes up.
“Because you’re sexy, sweet and cute,” I tell him and I know he won't like the words I've used to describe my man.
“I’m not fucking cute,” he mumbles, making me laugh louder.
“You’re amazing,” I tell him, this time kissing him hard.
“I ain't that either.”
“Sy, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known. What you have experienced in your life is what gives you that hard exterior, but deep down in here—” I pat his chest, “—is what I see when we are alone. It all makes you the amazing man you are, and those qualities are why I fell in love with you.” I look at him, hoping he sees what I feel.
“This,” he places his hand over mine, “is only better when I’m with you, baby.” He leans forward and kisses me. He makes me fall in love with him more when he says things like this. Soon, we’ll be going back to work, back to the clubhouse and our families, and then this Sy will only come out in the privacy of his room or my apartment. So, I’m going to enjoy every moment of it while we can.
“I think you need to pay me in sexual favors for your haircut,” I laugh, bringing us back to the playful side I love most about us.
“I'm on it, baby.” He stands, holding me in his arms and walks down the hall, back to my bed. “What's the damage?” he asks, playing along.
“Four orgasms, please.” I hold my straight face.
“You greedy minx,” he growls, dropping me down on the bed. “I'll give you two with my mouth, and two with my cock,” he tells me, dropping to his knees.
“Sunshine,” I moan as his tongue slides up my center, and whatever I was going to say is long gone. All that matters is his tongue and a promise of four orgasms.
