Текст книги "Affliction"

Автор книги: River Savage

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 21 страниц)

PAST

Sy

“Daddy, you need to be strong for Momma. She’s not brave like you.” Keira’s last coherent request plays over in my mind as her frail body loses its life in my arms. When I made that promise two days ago, I didn’t know that I would be faced with the realization that maybe I wasn’t as brave as my daughter thought I was. Maybe I needed someone to be brave for me.

“Sylas, we should take her in.” Katie’s broken voice startles me as I come back to the moment.

“No, she would want to be here,” I reply as I continue to sway on the wooden porch swing that Keira loves. This was her favorite place in the house, and if my baby girl leaves us tonight, she will be here.

“Sy,” Katie tries again, but I don’t want to hear what she says. I want to play over every conversation I’ve had with Keira this week. I want to memorize her beautiful face one last time before it’s too late. I want to hear the rattle in her chest for as long as she allows it, even if I know she’s in pain. And even though it kills me to admit it, I want to ask her to fight for just a little longer.

“Daddy,” Keira wheezes. It’s barely a whisper and something inside of me knows it’s going to be her last word. Her chest rises in a slow inhale as she struggles to drag air into her lungs and the rattle of the mucus that sits on her chest slowly fades.

“Let go, baby girl. I've got you,” I whisper, knowing what I want is selfish and not what she needs. It's time. I have to let her go.

“Sylas, I can’t watch this. I can’t sit here and watch her die,” Katie sobs harder next to me as the minutes tick by and the sun goes to bed.

“You can and you will,” I tell her, but she doesn’t listen. Her body heaving in uncontrollable sobs, she stands and walks back inside, into the arms of her mother and father.

“Momma’s okay. She just needs a moment,” I whisper, rocking her closer to me as my world slowly tears apart. “I love you, baby girl,” I tell her one last time as a sob rips from the bottom of my stomach and roars through my chest as an awareness that I might not survive this settles over me. 

In the next breath I take, Keira takes her last, and that soul shattering feeling that has lived with me for the last two years shakes me one final time as I feel her spirit leave her body. I don't let her go. I don't fight the tears. I just hold her to me, kiss her forehead and tell her I love her. It's not until the sun fully sets and darkness surrounds us that I know she's free. Under the light of the stars, in her favorite spot, I say goodbye.

My baby is free.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Holly

“Holly?” Sy’s voice hits the back of my neck, as his arm comes around me, pulling me closer to him. He came back.

“Sy?”

“I need you.” His voice almost breaks me. I wasn’t expecting him to come back tonight. When he left, he looked so lost that I was worried he wouldn’t find his way back to me.

“You have me, Sy. You have all of me,” I admit, feeling myself getting in deeper with this incredible man. He rolls his body over mine, covering it with his heavy weight as he leans into my space.

“No, I need you, Holly.” His desolation calls to me. I know we need to talk about a lot of things, but the fact he came back says more than words, so I give him what he needs. What we both need.

“Take me.” I give him my permission, letting his touch cancel out the ache in my soul. Our connection when we’re together leaves the pain behind. His hand trails down my side, taking my thigh and pushing my legs apart, settling between them. His touch is desperate, like the need to lose himself in me is driving him forward.

“I need to bury myself in you and not feel this anymore,” he whispers, slowly sliding his hard length into me. I don’t argue or fight it. I should tell him that he needs to use protection because we are being unsafe, but I don’t, because I’m lost in his need for me. The fear that I’ll lose this connection is so strong that I refuse to pull away. All I want is for us to get back to a few hours before, when death and heartache were buried deep.

“You make me forget, Holly. You came and eased the pain, and I don't want to lose this feeling,” he admits as my body accepts him. He starts off gently, stroking me to pleasure, but as he sinks further into me, his movements become rough and hard. Each thrust pushing me further into the deep end. My body has never known such pleasure, letting him come apart above me, revealing himself and what he needs.

But my heart has never felt such pain.

How am I going to tell him now?

“Fuck, Holly,” he groans, lost in his own bliss while I'm lost in my own lies. “Come, baby.” He bites down on the soft flesh of my breast, and like every time he commands it, I obey. Only this time, when I come apart, I’m surrounded in a cloud of unease and guilt—guilt for allowing him to bury his pain, and unease for letting this secret hold me as an emotional prisoner for so long. “That’s it, baby,” he groans, following me over. He stills his movements staying planted in me.

“Shit, Holly.” He shakes his head coming back to himself. “I’m sorry.” He moves to pull out, but I wrap my legs around him.

“Hey, it's okay.” I reach out, holding his face. “It's okay, Sy,” I try to reassure him.

“You’re crying. Did I hurt you?” he asks, but the tears aren’t from the pain of what we just experienced or what he just unleashed on me, but the fear of what his past means for us now. How can I burden him with something that was so devastatingly painful to me, but could possibly be so insignificant to him after losing a living, breathing piece of his heart?

“No, you didn't,” I say as he slowly pulls out of me. Reaching over, he gets me a tissue. Taking it from him, I use it to clean myself up.

“Uhh, sweetheart. That was for your tears.” I look up and see him watching me.

“Ohh,” I say, holding in my smile. I can't help the giggle that comes when he shakes his head.

“Here,” he says, passing me a new one. “I'll get a washcloth.” He stands and heads to the bathroom. He returns a few moments later with a wet washcloth and my sweet Sy is back. I don't say anything. I just watch him carefully as he helps me clean up. He then takes the cloth back to my bathroom. I nestle back under the covers, wondering what's going to happen next. He walks back in keeping quiet.

“Come to bed.” I reach out for him. I’m not sure if I expect him to take my hand or to reject me. I don’t exactly know what’s happening here. He walks forward and climbs back into my bed next to me.

“Three words is all it took,” he says after a few moments of silence.

“Three words?” I ask, unsure what he means but desperately needing to know.

“Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. She was dying. And she wasn’t mine.” He says it so casually that the impact of the words doesn’t register to begin with. Wait, Keira wasn’t his?

“I don’t understand, Sy?” I sit up, needing to face him. He lies on his back, looking up at the ceiling, his arms folded behind his head. If he hadn't just dropped that bomb, I would say he looked peaceful, lying in the aftermath of an orgasm.

“The day we discovered Keira’s cancer had come back was the day I found out I wasn’t her biological father.” He sounds so distant, lost in the past. “We had just finished chemo and were hoping for good news, but it wasn’t, and then I found out she wasn’t even mine.” He looks to me and I don’t feel the anger in his words, but I see it in his eyes. “Not that it made a difference to me. It never has. Keira will always be my daughter, always.”

“Jesus Christ, Sy,” I say as my heart breaks for him. No wonder he lives with so much animosity pouring out of him.

“It was a feeling of having the whole world at my feet then having it pulled out from beneath me. I can’t even begin to explain it.”

“What happened next?” I ask, trying to understand this man. Understand how he lives with the ugliness of what happened.

“Nothing. I walked out of the room and went up and sat with my daughter while they tried to find out if her biological father was a match for her next treatment.” His answer shocks me for a moment, but then it doesn’t. This man is everything I've never known he could be, and at the same time, everything I never knew I needed. Behind the façade, lies a devoted father who is drowning in his own grief.

“So you just went on as normal?”

“I wouldn’t have walked away even if she didn’t have cancer. Even if he was a match and could save her life, she was my life, Holly. I breathed for her. While she didn’t have my blood running through her veins, she was mine.” I don’t say anything. I let his words tell me what type of father he was. He stops for a minute, lost in his head and I don’t know how to comfort him, how to make it easier.

“She was beautiful,” I say, remembering her picture.

“She was so goddamn beautiful. And smart. Jesus, she was so smart. She loved watching the Discovery Channel. She would sit there for hours watching show after show about animals, and everything she learnt, she absorbed.” He becomes lost in the memory. The comment makes sense with all those animal shows he watches. He watches them for her.

“How old was she?” I ask, unmoving, waiting for him to tell me in his own time. I want to know all about her, but I don’t know if I’m pushing his limits.

“Seven. She was meant to start school that week, but instead, she was sitting in a hospital, her small body getting pumped with chemo.”

“God, Sy.” I lie back to match his position, needing to be closer. “You don’t have to tell me,” I say, now unsure if I can even handle hearing his pain.

“I should have told you sooner, but I’ve been holding off.” He turns to face me, drawing closer, until we are laying face to face. I don’t say anything. No words are needed. Rather, I let him hold me in silence and give the moment the respect it deserves.

“I knew she was dying. I had prepared myself for that. I even thought I was ready for it, but fuck, I was wrong. Nothing prepares you for that, Holly. Nothing conditions you for that nightmare of watching someone you breathe for take their last breath.”

I’m not prepared for the sob that tears from my throat at hearing his words. Talking of what he lost only brings more heartache. Knowing I am now keeping something from him like his ex-wife did is going to destroy me.

“I’m so sorry, Sy,” I cry against him. He doesn't say anything. He holds me as I cry for a beautiful child named Keira. Crying for the family he lost, I cry wondering how the loss of the baby we shared could ever compare to that.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Sy

“You ready to go?” I ask through the door, my patience wearing thin the longer she stays in there. It's Kadence and Nix's welcome home party, and the longer she takes in there, the longer it is until I can get her back home. We've been laying low the last couple of days. After the other night when I opened up about Keira, things have been different. Not in a fucked-up way, but something has shifted in both of us. I feel like I can move forward with Holly without having this over us. And I feel like she gets why I am the way I am. We still yet to talk about Katie. I put up my walls on that subject. Talking about Keira has been enough for me, but I know it's something we have to talk about. Eventually, I will have to tell her that I walked out on Katie. That I left her after multiple suicide attempts and drug overdoses. That I walked while she was grieving the death of our child, and haven't gone back. One day I will tell her all the things I wish didn't happen. Today just isn't the day.

“Yeah, give me five more minutes,” she shouts.

“We’re late, Holly,” I declare, getting pissed the longer she takes. I don’t like waiting at the best of times, but waiting for my woman to leave the bathroom is high on the list of shit that pisses me off.

“Oh, hush. You can leave any time, Sunshine. I’m driving remember?” she replies, reminding me she has an early start tomorrow.

“Why is the door closed anyway?” I ask, opening it without seeking permission to barge in.

“Habit,” she answers, looking up at me through the mirror.

“Babe, we’re going to a barbecue,” I tell her when I see the short number she has on and a pair of fuck-me heels to go with it. Jesus, this woman is a fucking knockout and she's mine. Mine. I never thought I would claim another woman again, but after the last few months, it’s become more than just a desire to have her. It’s a yearning for something more than lust. It torments my every thought. Even as I fought an internal battle of denying myself her touch, I knew she was different. I wanted to let her in past the walls of hard concrete I surrounded myself with. I wanted her to break them down and replace the ice encompassing my heart with her warmth. Looking back to when I saw her lying on the floor of that old shed, my hands covered in her blood, I realize the fear running through my veins that night was a fear that confirmed the feelings I had been denying.

“So what, Sy? I like to dress up,” she explains, going back to her makeup. She leans over the counter closer to the mirror and I have to stop myself from taking her there and then as she’s bent over in those heels. Fuck me.

“Baby, it’s a biker clubhouse, not the fucking Ritz.” I try to get her to see how pointless this whole exercise is.

“Sunshine…” She turns, ready to give me attitude and I can’t help but smile. “Quit smiling for starters, and who really cares if I’m dressing up?” she questions, her hand going to her hip. Total fucking drama. Total fucking peace.

“Well, if you keep turning up at the clubhouse like that, Hunter will get the wrong idea. He already thinks you like him,” I tease, knowing Hunter became a pawn in Holly’s flirty behavior just to piss me off.

“I’m not interested in Hunter, you goof.” She rolls her eyes looking cute as fuck.

“He doesn’t know that,” I add, knowing he does. I just like pushing her.

“Yes, he does, Sy. He knows I love you,” she says and I watch her hand still as she applies some sticky shit to her lips.

“You love me?” I ask, not at all freaked out at hearing her say it.

“Well, not love love you, more like I love your cock.” She replaces the lid to her lip shit and rubs her lips together, trying to hide her slip-up. A classy recovery, I’ll give her that.

“So, you just love my cock then?” I move closer to her, wanting her to admit what she just slipped.

“Well, I love you filling up my pantry,” she smirks, acting cute again.

“Anything else?” I lean into her space, pushing her lower back into the basin.

“I love it when I get to punch you in our gym workouts,” she adds, looking up at me.

“You love me?” I whisper, resting my head to hers.

“Maybe.” She looks away, unsure.

“Maybe?”

“Okay, a little, but only this week. If you're not careful, I’ll revoke that love right back,” she jokes, making me fall a little more.

“You can’t take it back,” I say before kissing her. Hard. Her hands come to my cut, pulling me closer as I pick her up by her waist and place her on the vanity. I move between her legs to get closer to her.

“Wow,” she breathes when I pull back. Her hands come up and wipe my mouth of that sticky shit she left behind.

“You know you don’t need that shit, right?” I ask, running the back of my hand on my lips to wipe the last bits.

“Umm, yes, I do.” She rolls her eyes at me. “And now you’ve messed it all up.” She turns to look at herself in the mirror.  I don’t know what she’s on about. I’ve seen her done up, waking up, and sweaty at the gym and it wouldn’t matter to me. I still think she’s sexy either way.

“You’re crazy,” I say, kissing her again, not caring if I’m messing with her makeup.

“Sy, we’re late,” she complains when my hand moves up her thigh.

“Don’t give a fuck.” I want to make the woman who loves me, come.

“Sy, no,” she protests half-heartedly. I hold back my laugh at her pathetic attempt to push me away.

“Shhh, it won’t take long,” I promise, letting myself out of my jeans.

“Condom, Sy,” she says as I pull her to the edge of the sink and move her panties aside.

“No, I need you raw, baby,” I make it known as I slide straight into her slick heat. Fuck, whenever she is around me, I feel like I can just get lost in her. I want to live inside of her.

“Sy, no. We aren’t safe,” she pushes back, breaking our connection, but that doesn’t stop me as I try to find my way home again. I know she’s not on the pill, but fuck, having her raw right now outweighs my concern about the consequences.

“I’ll pull out, baby,” I tell her, meaning it. “I just want to feel you come around my cock, give me that connection,” I plead, sinking back into her slick heat. She doesn’t argue, letting me in without a fight and I regret my promise when she hugs me so tightly I don’t know if I can last getting her there.

“Fuck, baby. You feel so fucking good,” I groan, pumping my hips harder into her. Our cries fill the small bathroom, our bodies coming together so perfectly like they always have. “Holly?” I call as I feel her tighten and myself get closer.

“Yeah?” She looks up at me,

“I love you a little bit, too,” I profess, kissing her hard as her body falls over the edge of her orgasm.

I haven’t said those three words to a woman since Katie, and even though Katie gave me something irreplaceable, Holly has given me something I didn’t know I needed: her light. I look at her and I see something more. She makes me forget about the past, the one where I had it all. She takes the constant ache that lives inside of me and turns it into something I don't deserve. And when she looks at me, fuck, when she smiles up at me, everything changes. The old gets lost in the new. Her light shines through my darkness and as I stand here in this moment making love to her against the bathroom counter, I realize my affliction doesn't matter.

She matters.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Holly

“You should have seen him. It was ridiculous,” Kadence laughs, replaying one of their adventures of their time away in Mexico. We’re back at the clubhouse for a welcome home party for Kadence and Nix. They only left three weeks ago, but so much has happened while they’ve been gone it feels like a lifetime ago. Sy and I have grown so much in that time. Knowing what he lives with has really shown me what type of man he is. When I slipped up earlier and told him I loved him, I didn't think he would respond. I didn't mean to let it spill, but once I said it, I couldn't take it back. I wasn't expecting him to say it to me. I know our relationship has been a journey, and unconventional, but having that friendship mixed in just makes it seem so easy.

“He had this poor taxi driver pulling over every few miles to throw up. Poor baby,” Kadence continues to laugh over her new husband’s misfortune of traveling.

“I’m never going there again,” Nix grumbles next to her, unimpressed with everyone laughing at his expense.

“Aww, come on. It can’t be as bad as when Jesse ate that bad seafood in Vegas,” Kelly reminds them.

“That’s right. He couldn’t even ride his bike home. We were stuck there for a few days.” They all laugh at the memory.

“I’m allergic, assholes,” Jesse says, walking out and catching the end of the story.

“You’re not allergic, idiot. It was food poisoning.” Kelly laughs.

“Pretty sure you ended up shitting yourself, too,” Brooks adds, causing everyone to laugh again.

“Whatever,” Jesse says, reaching for his beer, but I can see the small smile he’s fighting.

“Well, what’s been happening while we’ve been away?” Kadence asks once they all calm down.

“Not much,” we all answer around the table.

“Nothing as exciting as a vacation in Cancun,” I say, eager to know more. She looks at me with a knowing smile, telling me we will be talking later. Everyone now officially knows Sy and I are together since I pulled up behind him earlier. He climbed off his bike and stalked to me before planting a kiss on my mouth that told all who were watching, she’s with me. I think everyone seems to have accepted it and moved on, except my best friend.

“Beau has been in a feral mood since you’ve been away. I don’t think he liked his role as acting-Prez,” Jesse comments.

“Where is Beau?” Kadence asks, realizing he hasn’t come in tonight. He's the only one who didn't turn up for the get-together.

“He’s out on club business,” Jesse answers.

“What sort of club business?” Kadence turns to Jesse.

“Club business that’s not your concern, baby,” Nix answers for him, his tone letting her know not to ask. I don’t know what the big secret is about what they are doing. Sy told me without any problem. This is the second time Nix has shut down talk on these pick-ups, evidently not wanting anyone to know.

“Really, Nix? Club business. Last time I checked, I’m a part of this club, too,” she says, and for a moment, I sit shocked at her attitude. Kadence can give it good, but when it comes to club business, she generally keeps tight-lipped, especially in front of everyone.

“Calm down, baby,” Nix says, pulling her down to sit on his lap.

“Don’t tell me to calm down. Stop telling me to calm down all the time,” she growls and I’m not sure what is happening between them but I’m not used to seeing it.

“Kadence, calm down.” Nix’s tone is darker this time; he means business.

She stops and looks down at him. “Shit, sorry,” she shakes her head, catching herself.

“Jeez, the honeymoon really is over,” Jesse jokes at their little episode, trying to ease some of the tension swirling around us. Something isn’t right. I look over at Sy and catch his gaze; he looks just as shocked as me.

“Sorry, I’m just tired.” She waves it off, leaning into Nix to kiss him. “The flight took it out of me,” she recovers, back to her usual self.

“You sure you’re okay?” Nix whispers but we can all hear it.

“It’s probably the baby,” Z announces across the table, rendering everyone silent.

“What baby?” Kelly’s excited voice fills the shocked room.

“Shit,” Kadence curses as her panicked eyes come to mine.

“You’re having a baby?” I ask on a whisper, trying to keep my voice level and not show the pain I’m suddenly feeling.

“Um, yeah, we only just found out yesterday,” she quietly admits. The table erupts in congratulations while I slowly wrap my head around it. I don’t know how to respond to her news. The pain I have been feeling has slowly started to fade with time, but at her news, a new ache grows. Is it jealousy?

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you tonight, alone—”

“I’m so excited,” I cut her off. Not wanting this to become something more than what it has to be, especially in front of Sy. This would be the worst time for him if this were to come out.

“I just didn’t want you to find out like this.” She rises from Nix’s lap and comes to stand near me.

“Am I missing something?” Jesse asks and I look around, horrified that everyone has zoned in on my reaction. “Why does it matter so much to Holly if you’re having a baby?” he asks the seemingly obvious question. Why does it matter? It doesn’t. I’m fine, I tell myself.

“Jesse,” Nix warns, but I can already see it dawning on Sy’s face.

Shit.

“What the hell is going on?” Red calls from the door, not clued in on the tension buzzing in the backcourt of the Rebels Clubhouse.

“Nothing, Dad. Take Z inside for me,” he says while I try to get my head around what might possibly be coming out right now. I just need to get up and walk inside, away from this, my brain tells me.

“I’m okay, guys. There’s nothing to make a big deal about.” I stand on shaky legs, finding myself throwing my fake laugh while Red takes Z inside.

“Holly.” Kadence’s eyes fill with the sweetest sadness I’ve come to recognize well. I don’t want her sadness, but it calls to me, and every time I see it, the torturous past all comes back to me. Full force.

“I’m still lost,” Brooks says, sitting next to Kelly.

“Shhh,” Kelly whacks him on the shoulder, telling him to be quiet.

“Congratulations, guys. I’m so excited for you both,” I try again, hoping the more I say it, the more I’ll feel it. Panic claws up my body, scratching to be released. I can’t do this here. I pick up my bag and try to come up with something that gets me the hell out of here.

“What’s going on?” Sy finally speaks, looking between Kadence and me, and all the fight in my body leaves knowing he won’t give this up, not now.

“Nope, all good,” I say, not looking at him but focusing on Kadence. “So, I just remembered, I should really go,” I fumble out, not even making any sense considering we’ve been here for less than an hour and haven’t even eaten yet.

“Holly?” Sy calls to me, but I’m a coward and I just can’t face him.

“I really have to go. I’ll call later.” I turn and escape inside as Kadence and Sy both yell out for me. Jesus, that wasn’t strange at all, Holly. I make it to the hallway before Sy catches up with me.

“Stop, Holly,” he demands, cornering me into the small space.

“I can’t—” I begin to say before he cuts me off.

“Don’t even fucking think about it,” he warns.

“Sy,” I begin, looking up at him, only to wish I didn’t. The softness I’ve come to love these past few weeks is replaced with that hard, menacing look he holds so well.

“Why the fuck were you sitting there with a pained look on your face knowing our best friends are having a baby?” There’s no point denying it. I know from the look in his eyes he knows something is seriously up.

“Sy,” I reply shakily.

“What is going on?”

“I was pregnant,” I rush out in a mess of desperation and regret. Just saying the words aloud has my breath coming out in rapid, painful spurts.

Darkness creeps in, and ugliness flows out.

“What?” he practically chokes. His tattooed fists ball at his sides. The air between us is thick with deceit and accusations and there’s nothing I can say that will make it better. This is what I’ve brought on myself.

“Before, when we were together, I fell pregnant,” I begin to cry because this is not how I wanted to tell him, not how he deserves to find out. “I lost the baby when I was shot.”

“You hid this from me?” he states the truth, but I hate the accusation behind it. I knew this moment was coming, but I didn’t expect it to be now, in front of our friends and family.

“This really isn’t the time, Sy,” I try to reason with him. I can’t do this here, do this now with an audience in the other room.

“It’s okay, Holly. You don’t have to explain anything right now,” Kadence follows us into the hallway, arguing for me, saving me.

“Like fuck she doesn’t!” Sy’s shout has me jumping out of my skin.

“I wanted to tell you so many times before. I tried but I just…” I trail off, shaking my head. “And then finally when I was working up the nerve, I found out about Keira and I couldn’t bring myself to add to your pain. I couldn’t do that to you.” My voice comes out shaky.

“Who’s Keira?” I hear someone mutter in the background.

“Don’t you fucking dare bring her into this,” he roars which causes me to step back into the wall.

“Brother, you’re scaring her. Calm down.” Jesse now comes into view, ready to come to my rescue.

“Fuck off, Jesse, I’ve got a right to know.” His words a reminder of the harsh truth; he did have the right to know.

“You do, but this isn’t the best time,” he tries again, stepping up beside me. His presence doesn’t calm me, or make me feel safe that he’s here because I know I deserve Sy’s anger.

“No, you’re right. The best time would have been five fucking months ago,” Sy spits the reality of it all back at me. He’s right, and I’ve struggled with that every day. I should have told him.

“Sy,” is all I muster up. Closing my eyes, I try to draw some strength to give him the answers he needs.

“This is what you’ve been fighting? This is what has had you so far in your head?” he continues to throw his questions at me. Questions I wish I knew how to answer. I want to try and explain to him how as much as I wanted to crawl out of this fog, I just couldn’t. Or that living in this state of heartache has been exhausting, but I can’t. I can’t give him what he needs. Instead, I just nod. Nod for every accusation he throws at me, every angry comment laced with hurt that he spurts and just hope that when he’s done I’ll be left unscathed.

“You didn’t think I had a right to know? Didn’t think I should have known this? Were you ever going to tell me?” he finally whispers so gently that I open my eyes eager to see it.

“Of course I was,” I offer that small scrap of hope, hoping he can see my struggle.

“Why didn’t you tell me then, when I sat outside your hospital door for two fucking weeks, waiting to see you? Or how about those nights we stayed up talking about everything and nothing?” He looks so broken and angry that I can’t process his questions fast enough. It’s like everything is coming down around me and I can barely keep myself from falling apart.

“I should have told you, but I didn’t know how. Then it became more than just dealing with telling you. I got lost, Sy. I’ve been trying to cope the best I can, fighting through the pain, fighting what I feel for you. I didn’t want you to feel this heartache, this darkness. I couldn’t bear to watch you try to live with it, too. Then it didn’t matter in the end because the baby was gone,” I blurt it all out, knowing that half of it is true, the other half a desperate plea that I think I can trick my mind into believing.

“Didn’t matter?” he scoffs, getting angrier the more I try to explain.

“Well, what would you have had me do, Sy? We had sex twice. You barely fucking talked to me. You didn’t seem the type to want to play happy fucking families,” I snap back, not understanding how one minute I’m begging for mercy for my fuck up, the next fighting him in my defense.

“YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I WANTED!” he slams his fist into the wall next to me, shattering the plaster open.

“Right, this is over,” Kadence says, stepping into our space, her hand coming between us, but I don’t let her pull me away.

“You say it doesn’t matter. Then what does matter to you, Holly? ‘Cause it sure as fuck matters to me that I made a child with you,” Sy continues, ignoring the audience we have gathered. Ignoring that his brothers close in around us, concern and anger painted on their faces.