Текст книги "Affliction"

Автор книги: River Savage

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 21 страниц)

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

Sy

“Katie?” I shout. It’s the same dream I’ve had so many times, but instead of Keira walking away from me, it’s Katie and she’s taking Keira with her. “Katie, don’t leave with her. Please don’t leave me…”

“Sy?” Holly's voice breaks through the fog of my dream. Dream or Nightmare? “Are you okay?” She sits up, looking down at me, concern etched all over her face. Fuck, another one.

“I'm good.” I climb out of bed, leaving her there and walk to the bathroom. Turning on the water, I splash some on my face and look up into the mirror.

“Sy?” Holly’s voice asks from the doorway. She’s wearing my worn club shirt and her panties. After I had taken her to bed earlier, I tried to get Jesse's nakedness out of my head by making her sit on my face. It worked until she reminded me again, causing me to spank her smart ass.

“I’m fine, Holly,” I snap, not meaning to.

“You’re not fine. Don’t snap at me.” Her arms cross over her chest. She looks cute standing there in my clothes, pissed off.

“Holly, just drop it.” I hate that this is still coming up. I haven’t had dreams of Katie before and now it’s freaking me out.

“Do you still love her?”

“What the fuck?” I turn to face her.

“Do you?” she asks again, not giving up. I don't think she's pissed, but it doesn't stop me from trying to shut this down.

“Holly,” I begin, not sure if this is the right time to talk to her. My head still feels hazy from my dream. What the hell was that dream?

“Because it’s okay if you do,” she continues, leaning against the doorframe. “I can’t be angry at you for that.”

“I once had love for the woman who didn’t destroy me, the woman who gave me my daughter, but not now, not after everything.” And that’s the God’s honest truth.

“You’ve called her name out every night for the last few weeks, since you found out about the baby,” she replies, concerned.

“Fuck, Holly. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It only started off with a shout, but it’s escalated the last few nights.”

“Fuck.” I rub my hands over my face. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I keep dreaming about her?

“Maybe you should talk about it,” she whispers, now looking unsure about broaching the subject.

“Come here,” I command. Holding out my hand, she moves forward and takes it.

“There's nothing to talk about. It's nothing but a dream,” I tell her, knowing it's not true. I've pushed down my guilt for so long I'm concerned it's going to come down all around me.

“It's not nothing, Sy. Don't lie to me. Talk to me. When was the last time you saw her?” She looks up and her hand cups my cheek.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Sy…” She holds my stare.

“A little over two years,” I admit. I still can't believe it's been over two years since I rode away leaving her behind.

“Do you know where she is? What she is doing?”

“No, never kept in contact with her,” I tell her, sounding like an asshole.

“I think you should find her. Go to her and give yourself some peace, Sy.” She looks dejected, and for a moment I think she feels that for me. For Katie and me.

“First of all, the last real conversation I had with Katie was when I walked away from her when she was finally getting her life on track. She was clean and she came to me needing to talk. I turned and walked away from her for the second time. She won't want to talk to me. I don't even know if I want to talk to her.”

“Why did you walk away?” she asks the one question I've never let myself answer. Why did I walk out? Why did I give up in the end?

“I just don’t know, Holly,” I tell her, too afraid of the truth.

“I know you, Sy. You wouldn't have left her for no reason. You could have walked away sooner, but you fought. Something made you stop fighting,” she surmises accurately.

“You're right. I walked away because she gave up.” I step back from her. If I'm going to do this now, I can't have her touching me. “She gave up when I was willing to stay, even after Keira died. Even after I had forgiven her. In the beginning, I was angry at her betrayal, but I refused to discuss anything about her cheating or who Keira's biological father was. I had to put all my energy into Keira, caring for her, living and breathing for her. I didn't want to think about it.”

I take a breath, needing a moment before I continue. Holly doesn't move. She waits for me to speak. “When Keira died, I didn't want to lose that connection with her. We were a family and I couldn't walk away from them. So I fought with everything I had to make it work. But it wasn't enough for Katie. I wasn't fighting the same demons she was. She had all this guilt, and as much as I had tried to get her to let go of it, she wouldn't give it up. In the end, I couldn't be strong for her when I was barely staying strong for me. All I wanted to do was mourn the loss of my child and deal with the breakdown of my marriage. I fucking tried so hard to pull her back, tried to get her out of it, but I failed.” The guilt that eats at me comes back, whispering in my ear that I didn't try hard enough.

“Maybe she didn't need saving, Sy, but needed to heal on her own,” Holly interrupts, taking a step toward me. “We all heal and grieve differently; each journey is unique, Sy, and sometimes along the way, we hurt the ones we love—the ones who love us. If you left when you could no longer help her then it doesn't mean you failed. It means you just couldn't hold on anymore. You had to save yourself, too, Sy. You had to heal, too.” Her hand reaches out and takes mine, leading me back to my room.

I don't fight it; the comfort of her touch makes it too hard to pull away. She walks me to the bed without a word and sits down on the edge, pulling me to sit down next to her.

She's right. I had to heal, too.

“Sy, someone once told me giving up is self-defeat, while letting go is self-care. There was nothing more you could have done. You did everything you could to help Katie. You can't tell her how to grieve, or how to live. It isn't your decision. She had to decide what her life should look like, and so did you.”

“Fuck, I love you, Holly.” I pull her to me and fall back, taking her with me. The words she just gave me are the most honest words anyone has spoken to me. “I don't deserve you.”

I kiss her, because if I don't, my emotions will overcome me.

“Don't say that, ever.” Her hand takes my jaw, making me look at her.

“No, Holly. You are a promise I never thought I would ever get again, a promise that there is goodness and light.” I watch as slow tears fall from her eyes. “Don't cry, baby.” I turn and cover her body, placing my arms on either side of her head to take my weight.

“Go see her. Let it all go,” she encourages, looking up at me with hope and faith. Something I haven't seen in such a long time staring back at me.

“Let me think about it,” I tell her, not ready to commit to anything. My heart and my head still arguing with each other in fear of what I may find, but the desperate need to feel free is strong.

“I love you,” she whispers, letting it go, giving me her light. If I hadn't already known what unconditional love looked like, I’d be staring at it for the first time.

“I love you, baby.”

***

Shit, can I do this? I look up at the ivory, two-story, brick home.

Two weeks ago when I held Holly in my arms that night and admitted I didn't need to feel guilty for walking away, I made a vow to myself that I would see this out, one way or another. I knew I had to come here, had to talk to Katie, but as I stand at the front of my ex-wife’s house, I want to take it all back. It's been a battle, and one I don't know what the outcome will be, but I know Holly is right. I had to save myself, and I can't be held accountable for that. It’s just taken me two weeks to see it. When I finally made peace, I made a call to Katie’s parents. To say they were shocked to hear from me would be an understatement. I don’t think they were ever expecting to hear from me again, and I didn't expect to get through on their old number. After catching up with them for a few minutes, I asked for her address and hung up. I didn’t ask how she was or what she was doing. I didn’t want to be swayed. I needed to do this regardless of what I would find.

“Sylas?” Katie asks, opening the door before I can knock.

“Hey,” I greet her awkwardly, not expecting her to open the door so suddenly. She looks good, really good. Her long, blonde hair now rests on her shoulders, totally throwing me off for a minute.

“Wow, I’m shocked you’re here,” she says, shaking her head, looking as affected as I feel. “Did you want to come in?” she smiles and I’m thrown head first into the deep end of our past.

“Momma?” A small girl comes running up and attaches herself to her leg. And it’s like a sucker punch. Her small face looks up and all time stops. Keira? My body recoils. No, it’s not Keira. Fuck.

“I shouldn’t have come.” I turn, leaving her standing in the open doorway. I need to get out of here. I don’t know what I was expecting when I came here, but seeing Katie with a daughter was not one of them.

“Sylas, wait,” she calls after me. “Wait,” she pleads again, so I stop. I stop and wait to see if the shock of seeing that little girl leaves me. It doesn’t.

“I really shouldn’t have come,” I say again.

“Well, why did you?” she asks.

“I needed to see how you were doing. To let go maybe?” I admit.

“You haven’t let go?” she asks, shocked.

“I thought I had, but I think this was my final step.”

She nods, watching me carefully. “Please come in. We can talk,” she offers gently.

“I don’t know if I can. She…” I point back to the house, back to her daughter.

“She looks like her, doesn’t she?”

“Jesus, I thought I was dreaming it.” I let out a shaky breath.

“Try living with it.” She smiles but it’s not a sad smile. “Some days it’s hard. Other days it’s amazing.”

I nod, not understanding it, but I don’t tell her that. “So, you’re married?” I ask, spying the wedding band on her left ring finger.

“Yeah, last year,” she smiles. “He’s inside. I know he’d like to meet you.”

“He knows about me?” I think I almost choke.

“Of course. He knows everything, Sy,” she replies. “Please come in. I’ll ask Derrick to take Sienna to the park.” She waits for me to confirm, but I can’t.

“Maybe we could go to Keira?” I suggest, not feeling so sure about meeting Katie’s family, sitting in her home.

“Sure, let me get my keys and I’ll meet you there?”

“Yep,” I say, turning to get on my bike. I think I can handle this talk if I'm away from here, away from the family she's moved on with.

“Sylas?”

“Yeah?” I turn back when she calls my name.

“Thank you for coming.”

***

“So, what have you been doing with yourself?” Katie asks fifteen minutes later as we sit at our daughter’s grave.

“Still tattooing. I have my own shop back in Rushford.”

“So, you did end up going back home?” she smiles, no doubt remembering my vow that I would never go back.

“Yeah, when Pops got sick, I went back and didn’t leave.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“It’s okay,” I say, not wanting to talk about it.

“So why are we here, Sy?” She asks the million-dollar question.

“I don’t know, just trying to deal with a few things that have come up.” I fill her in, without telling her about Holly or the baby.

“I get it. It’s been a tough road to recovery, at least for me anyway.” She sits back, looking up at the sky. This woman sitting across from me is not the woman I left two years ago and if I’m being honest, not even the same woman I fell in love with. There's something about her that wasn't there before. I just don't know what.

“I’m sorry, Katie, but I have to say I wasn’t expecting this, all of this,” I admit, scanning her up and down, blown away with how well she’s doing.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Sy. I understand. Things were bad. Really bad, and I fucked up. I know that. I pushed everyone away in my suffering and for that I'm eternally sorry. What I did to you, to us…” She shakes her head. “I remember the day you rode off, leaving me standing over there.” She points to where my bike now sits. “I knew I lost you forever that day; even when I was desperately trying to push you away. I don’t know why you walking away from me made me realize how fucked-up I was, but it did. You should have hated me, but you still loved me even when I deserved your anger.”

“I wanted to hate you. All those years, fuck, it would have been easier, but I couldn’t because you gave me Kiera,” I admit.

“Then I took her away,” she whispers, looking up at me carefully.

“I never needed a piece of paper to tell me she was mine, Katie.”

“Are you ready to know who he is?” she asks, thinking it’s the reason why I’m here.

“No, I don’t want to know,” I assure her, hoping I never find out. “Keira will always be mine, even if she wasn’t biologically mine.”

“But we never talked about it. Do you know how hard that was? To have this between us? You never asked. You never showed anger. You just acted like nothing had happened.” She's right. I never wanted to talk about it. At the end of the day, we had bigger things to work through. My energy and focus was always Keira.

“I didn't want to believe it, Katie. I didn't want Keira to see it, and I didn't want it to determine my love for her. It didn't change anything for me. We raised her and that's all that mattered.”

“And that is why you’re a good man, Sy,” she says quietly.

“Not good enough to stay, to see you overcome everything. I hate myself for that. Hate that I left you when you were at your lowest,” I finally admit the guilt that’s had its hold on me the last couple of years.

“I’m glad you did, Sy. If you didn’t, I don’t know where I would be, or if I even would be?” She runs her hand along the grass I’ve laid on so many times in the last five years. “Someone had to walk away, and I’m glad it was you. I was self-destructing and no one was going to save me, except me. I had given up, and that’s the thing about giving up, you don’t realize until it’s too late. It took you leaving for me to see it. Any guilt you feel for that, let it go, because I did. I let go a long time ago and you should, too.” I don’t reply. I allow the truth of her words to speak for themselves. We sit in the entirety of the past, in the words that have hurt us and broken us, knowing we've come full circle.

“Do you think she’s happy?” I finally ask, looking up at the clear blue sky, a stark difference to the inky darkness I look up at when I normally visit.

“I know she is.” She answers with such conviction, I can’t argue. I have to believe it.

“I hope you found what you came for, Sylas. I’ll never let go of our family, and I know you won’t, but you need to move on, allow yourself to let go.” She stands and smiles down at me.

“I’m trying,” I answer, feeling lighter than I have in a long time. The guilt weighing so heavily on my heart slowly starts to deplete.

“Take care and be happy, Sy.” She breaks the moment of silence and walks away.

“I am,” I softly reply, knowing that now, I can let it all go.

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

Holly

“Yes, Sy,” I moan as my body spirals out of control.

“That’s it, baby. Take it. It's all yours. Milk my cock with that sweet cunt of yours,” he rumbles, driving me into complete ecstasy just like every other time he talks filthy to me. I let the feelings of bliss and excitement flow through me when his calloused fingers find my sweet spot.

“I wanna hear you, Holly.” His husky demand isn't lost on me. I know what he wants, what he always wants, and if I want what I know he can deliver, then I have to give it to him.

“Fuck me, Sy,” I shout as I hit the first peak at his command.

“Tell me how much you want my cum,” he rumbles as his strokes become more uncontrollable the longer this goes on.

“I want it, Sy,” I moan, giving him what he needs, what I need.

“Beg,” he urges, leaning down and hovering over my mouth. He knows he's got me right where he wants; on the edge of supreme ecstasy and I can't go back. I'm too close. He knows it and I know it. I need him to finish. I need him to take me home.

“Fucking give it to me, Holly,” he shouts, sending me into a tailspin.

“I need it. Yes, give it to me,” I scream, surrendering to him as his teeth sink into my bottom lip setting off a spectacular kaleidoscope of colors and emotions.

“Fuck!” he drags out as his orgasm takes over and he loses all of himself inside of me.

“Oh. My. God,” I breathe, coming down from yet another uninhibited and explosive orgasm.

“What did I tell you about God?” Sy asks, resting his sweaty forehead to mine.

“Oh. My. Sy,” I correct, still feeling his cock pulse in the aftermath of his release.

“Don't forget it,” he warns with a glint in his eye.

“Like you forgot we were trying to be safe?” I cock my brow at him. I might have just begged for it, but that was under duress. Sy smirks as he watches me like a cat that ate the canary. He knows what he's doing, and I've given up arguing with him about it. It may be stupid, but Sy has it set in his mind that we are making a baby whether I want to or not. Luckily, the idea doesn't freak me out as much as I thought it would. I know a part of me wants to reach out and try to fill the void left over losing our child, but I know deep down even if it was to be filled entirely with a new baby, it still would remain as something else. Something I wouldn’t want to lose because I wouldn’t ever want to relinquish the knowledge that we had suffered a loss which was part of us. I wouldn’t want to replace one child for another, but the thought of carrying again makes me feel like it could help stitch the hole in my heart that feels so empty.

“Fuck, I love you,” he says, dropping his weight on me. I love it when he gets like this; when even just holding himself up after making love is too much for him.

“I love you, too,” I wheeze out. “Now get off me, you heavy ass. I can't breathe,” I complain, breaking our moment.

“It’s okay, baby. You stop breathing, I’ll breathe life right back into you.” He kisses me again, only this time taking a real breath out of me.

“I love you, Sy. I love you more than anything.” I hold his face and mean every single ounce of it. In the last few weeks, something has changed in him. Ever since he went back to visit Katie, there has been a peace to him. The anger and fear he kept hidden seems to have lifted. He still hasn’t opened up to the club about his past, but I respect his decision, and when the time is right, he will tell them.

“You want a shower, or you want me to clean you up?” he asks slowly, letting himself fall from me.

“Shower.” If we don’t get up, we’ll end up staying in bed all day, and I need to get ready for Jesse’s party soon.

“Okay,” he says, moving over me and kissing me until my phone ringing interrupts him. “Fuck.” He reaches over to answer it.

“Just leave it,” I say, wanting to get in the shower, but it’s too late. He’s already answering it.

“What?” he shouts out in the way of answering. I hold back my smile knowing Sy is hard and almost always harsh, yet when we are alone, he’s anything but. “Now?” he barks, pulling away from me and sitting back. “She’s busy right now,” he growls, rubbing his face in frustration.

“What’s going on?” I ask, trying to get my phone off him.

“I’ll let her know,” he says before hanging up.

“You can't just answer my phone, Sy. Who was it?”

“Kadence,” he growls, resting his weight back on me.

“Well, what did she want?” I ask, waiting for a response when he starts kissing me instead of telling me.

“She said the cake is ready and needs to be picked up.”

“Ahh, shit,” I curse, completely forgetting about it.

“I’ll go and pick it up for you,” he offers, knowing I have heaps to do today. It's Jesse's surprise party and I'm the sucker who agreed to help organize it.

“No shower then?” I ask disappointed.

“We’ll have one later, when I make you dirty again,” he promises, climbing off me to run my errand.

“Can’t you do that now? Quickly?” I ask innocently, wishing that the damn party hadn’t taken up all my time the last few weeks. It was Kadence’s idea to throw the damn party in the first place. As soon as she heard it was Jesse’s birthday, she wanted to do something for him, but in the last week she hasn’t felt well, so I was stuck with the hard work.

“Baby, I just fucked you and made you dirty, and you wanna go again?” he asks, moving back to the bed.

“Mmmm,” I moan when his hand trails between my legs. “Please?” I whimper, feeling his finger drag through our combined cum that’s slowly starting to leak out.

“My cum is still dripping out of you and you want to go again. You have a greedy pussy, Holly,” he accuses, sinking his finger back into me.

“Oh, my God. Don’t say that. You make me sound like a dirty whore when I just want you,” I cry, bringing the covers over my head.

“Don’t act cute. You’ll make it harder for me to leave.” He crawls over me, pulls the covers off and kisses me. I don’t let the kiss drag me in, only letting it give me just enough to keep me sated until I see him again.

“Go,” I push him away when I feel my composure slip. He huffs when he climbs back out of bed and walks away. “Miss me.” I grin as he opens the door.

“Already do,” he calls back. And if the smile on my face is anything to go by, I know all is right in our world.

***

“Come on, Holly,” Sy pleads, trying to pull me back to bed.

“Sy, I’m going to be late.” I push him back, trying to get away from him.

“I don’t know why we can't just have a fucking party at the clubhouse,” Sy complains, sitting up and watching me. After going to get the cake for me and dropping it off at Liquid for the party, he came back and decided he would complain about everything that’s happening tonight.

“‘Cause it seems fitting that we have it at Jesse’s favorite place. Besides, Jesse’s family is coming and they thought it would be better if we had it at Liquid.”

“Fuck, are they all going to be there?” he questions, making me stop and look up.

“I think so, why?” I panic when I see the look on his face.

“I’m just surprised,” he says, looking floored. I don’t tell him that I spoke to Jesse's dad, who was adamant he wouldn't come if the party were at the clubhouse. I didn’t want to argue with him, or any of his family, who all voiced the same demands.

“Don’t be. It's Jesse we're talking about here. Everyone loves him. It’s going to be great, but I have to go,” I advise him, almost tripping over one of his boots. “Sy,” I whine, recovering and kicking it out of my way.

“What?”

“Your shit is on the floor,” I groan, pointing down to his riding boots and the clothes scattered all over the floor.

“Yeah, so?” he shrugs.

“Well, it’s annoying and I keep tripping over it,” I simplify what I think is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t have time for this right now, but I need to get this out.

“Well, give me somewhere to put my shit and I’ll put them away,” he replies, sitting up.

“You want like…a drawer?”

“Yeah, or half your closet. Either way is good.”

“You mean move in?”

“Sure, thanks for asking,” he jokes, making me laugh.

“Is that what you want, Sunshine?” I walk over to the bed. We haven’t discussed this subject, but since that night when he held me as we cried over the baby we lost, he hasn’t left my side. Either we sleep here or we’re at the clubhouse, but we’ve never talked about moving all our stuff into one place.

“Seriously, woman. You can be so clueless.” He leans forward and pulls me to him. “Of course I want us to live together,” he declares like I’m simple.

“What, here?” I eye him, unsure I want to live here anymore.

“Here, or we can get a place of our own. Doesn’t bother me. Either way, I want to wake up with you every day, in our bed.”

“We could get a new place,” I surmise, thinking of where we could move to.

“Whatever you want. On one condition,” he bargains, then nips at my neck.

“What?” I ask, pushing him away.

“You can’t bitch me out for my clothes on the floor.” He grabs me and pins me to the bed.

“You’re going to mess my hair up,” I complain as he climbs over me.

“Tell me we are moving in together and you won't ever bitch me out for my clothes and shit bein' around the place, and then you can go,” he challenges, being a smartass.

“What if we stay together for fifty years? That’s a lot of years not to bitch you out.”

“What do you mean if?” he questions. “There are no ifs baby, only whens.” He kisses me hard, letting me know just how serious he is.

“I don’t know if I agree with those terms.” I hold my ground and look at the clock before freaking out. “I need to go, now,” I repeat once again, rolling to the left to get out of Sy's clutches. I was meant to be meeting Kadence in five minutes, and I have a fifteen minute drive. Shit.

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me you want me to move in with you.” He stops me by my wrists and pulls me back. Typical Sy; no asking, just telling.

“Yes, baby. I want you to move in with me.” I look up and smile at him sweetly.

“Good answer,” he smirks, kissing me again.

“Now I feel like we unquestionably just became exclusive,” I tease, expecting a reaction.

“What the fuck, Holly?” he grunts, giving me what I want.

“Ha ha ha. You’re too easy, Sunshine. So gullible,” I laugh, bringing my arms around him.

“But I have to go. I love you.” I push him back so I can move out from under him. “And I’ll see you later.” I turn and kiss him one last time before heading out.

“You better be ready for me. ‘Cause I want you in our bed tonight.” I don’t miss the our or his tone. I can’t even freak out because this just seems right.

Everything with Sy has always felt right.