Текст книги "Honesty"

Автор книги: Regina Frame

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Linc

Six months later

"You're ride is here, Mr. McKay," the nurse said, as she stepped into my room, carrying the suitcase with my belongings in it. I gave her a nod, took the suitcase from her hand, and followed her down the hall on anxious feet. I thought today would never come, and now that it was here, I was not sure how I felt about it. At least in there, I didn't have to worry about being tempted with drugs or alcohol, but I knew that once I stepped through that door, I would be faced with temptations that I was not ready for yet.

"Hey man. You ready to go home?" Court asked as he offered his hand for me to shake.

"Yeah, let's get outta here," I told him, and followed him outside to the waiting S.U.V.

"You look real good. You've put on a little weight, and I don't mean in a bad way. You were starting to look skinny, now you just look healthy," he said as he pulled out into traffic. "The guys are all waiting at the condo for you," he said, and then turned his attention back to the road. I wanted to ask him if Honesty was there, but decided against it. Why would she be? She visited a few times, but visiting days are few and far between when you're in rehab. She had her own life. She had school to worry about, not some washed up, addict, rocker. We arrived at the Condo thirty minutes later and I felt relief flood my body and some of the tension loosened in my shoulders at the sight of my home, and the thought of sleeping in my own bed, surrounded by my friends who happen to be the only family that I had. It was good to be home.

"Welcome home dickhead!" Chance greeted me with a one-arm hug and a slap on the back. His once green Mohawk was now electric blue.

"It's good to see that some things haven't changed," I said and laughed as my other band brothers did the same one-arm hug.

"Welcome home, Linc." Her voice sounded like heaven, as it rightfully should because she looked like an angel, standing across the room with the sun's rays filtering through the blinds, forming a glow around her body. I couldn’t control the smile that came across my face. I was not going to question why she was there rather than at school. I was just glad that she was. She crossed the room and stopped in front of me with a big smile on her face. "You look good," she said as she stood on her tip toes and kissed my cheek.

God that felt so good. My dick twitched at the contact between us. I had to fight the urge to wrap her in my arms and give her a proper hello, but with her brother standing close by, that probably was not a very good idea.

"I hope you're hungry, because we have lots of food in the kitchen," she told me. "I gave Levi the simple task of ordering pizza, and I think he ordered enough to feed an army," she laughed and started walking toward the kitchen. My eyes automatically followed the sway of her perfect ass as she turned and walked away.

"Have you forgotten how much we eat? You're brother alone can polish off a whole pizza. I was just looking out for Linc, you know. I wanted to make sure he at least got a slice," Levi remarks.

"Oh please! You mean, you were planning for a cold pizza breakfast tomorrow," she replied, giving him a wink. "You see, I do remember how you guys eat," she said, and he laughed with a guilty look on his face.

"Cold pizza is the best," Jinx said as he stepped into the kitchen behind the other guys.

Damn it's good to be home!

We grabbed a few slices of pizza before taking a seat at the dining room table. Everyone except Honesty.

"Enjoy your pizza, guys. I've got a test to study for," she told us and walked toward the door.

"But, what if we need something?" Chance asked her with a pouty face that looked ridiculous. Another thing that hasn't changed.

"You're big boys. Get it yourself," She giggled and walked out. I had to laugh myself, when I saw his pout turn into a frown. I loved her playful side.

"Okay guys, I was going to wait until later to discuss this but, I guess now is as good a time as any," Court announced, looking around the table at all of us. "You guys have a couple more weeks off before we head to Washington," he said to the group, as he stared at me. I wondered if this was the part where he would tell me that I was being kicked out of the band. "Linc, we've thought long and hard about your situation and all the things that you would be faced with while on the road, and we've all decided that it would be best if you stayed here and continued your outpatient treatment. We will be gone six months and should return around the Thanksgiving holiday. We already have some dates scheduled for after the first of the year, which is when you'll join us, that is; if that's what you still want to do. We also thought about what it would be like for you to have to stay here while we are gone, so we hired a sober companion for you. You know, someone who would be by your side 24/7," he told me, and then paused for my reaction.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I was glad that I still had a job, but I was not too excited about having a fucking babysitter. It was just something I would have to just suck it up and deal with, I supposed.

When I didn’t respond, he continued, "Your sober companion will stick by your side day and night".

I would like to fucking throw something at him, maybe my fist. Realizing they had hired someone without my approval fucking sucked. "

You expect me to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with someone that I don't know and be okay with it? If I wanted to be followed around by some dick who might ask me to piss in a cup anytime he feels like it, I would have stayed in rehab," I told him, my voice sounding a little harsh.

"We found the perfect person for the job, of course we had to really work on the family to get them to agree, but they finally did, and felt that it would actually be best if Honesty took the job," Court said.

I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts. Did I actually hear him right? I looked across the table where Jinx was sitting, staring at his plate. His face was void of any expression so I couldn’t tell how he actually felt about the news. Honesty is my new babysitter? Hell yeah!

"You're okay with this Jinx?" I asked him. The last time I checked, he wasn't my biggest fan.

He took a deep breath and looked up from his plate of pizza. I could practically see his jaw tighten before he spoke. "Honesty is a grown woman. She can make her own decisions, and once she met with us, and Court presented her with the contract, she agreed. It was her decision, and regardless of how I feel about it, it was her decision, and I respect it," he responded.

I gave him a nod in appreciation. Wow. I guess some things truly did change while I was gone.

"What about school? I don't want her quitting school just to help me out," I responded. I would never be okay with that. I screwed up my chance at college; I won’t be the cause of her doing the same.

"She's taking classes online. She has been this whole time. She wanted to stay close to us all, so she has been living here for the last six months. The only way I would be okay with it was if she stayed in school. So now she's taking online classes. It has worked out great so far. I have been able to spend time with my sister, watch over her, all the while she gets her college education," he said, and grinned like the proud brother that he was.

We spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on what the guys have been doing for the past six months. I filled them in on my day to day routine in rehab. I told them about the wonderful detox process, the endless hours of nausea, vomiting, and aches and pains that went along with it, the hours spent in group meetings and one-on-one therapy sessions. I told them of the decision I had made to turn my life around and make the most out of it, and I promised not to let them down after being given the opportunity to stay with the band. That in and of itself said a lot about how they felt about me. It showed that they believed in me, which was more than anyone had ever given me before.

Once we had finished eating and discussing band business, I grabbed my suitcase and headed up the stairs to my room, only to find that it was no longer my room. It was Honesty's, and she was lying across the bed on her stomach with her silky, brown hair fanned out over her arms and shoulders. Her book was lying off to the side, and her eyes were closed. I smiled to myself as I took in the tanned skin of her bare legs, and I remembered how silky and smooth they were the last time I touched them. I had to hold myself back from trailing my fingers up and over her calf, and along her thigh.

I placed my suitcase on the floor beside the dresser, turning to leave, when she spoke, "I was just resting my eyes," she announced beneath her curtain of hair. I gave her a smile as she sat up on the bed. "Come, sit with me," she said, patting her hand on the bed in front of her. I crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed. I was not sure if I should, but I reached out and tucked a stray stand of hair behind her ear. I breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t push me away. I knew that I was going to have to talk to her. I was going to have to be open with her, and tell her everything that happened after she left. I had to make amends and be accountable for my actions, if I was actually going to do this right. I just hoped that she didn’t hate me once everything was out in the open. It would be one thing to never be intimate with her again, but to lose her as a friend altogether, would kill me. "I guess the guys have explained my new position to you by now," she paused for a moment before she spoke again. "Are you okay with this?" She gestured between the two of us with her hand. "If you're not, it's okay. I would totally understand," she told me. She almost looked nervous, as if she thought I would ever push her away. I could have told her right then that would never happen in this lifetime.

"I'm more than okay with it," I replied. Her posture relaxed, and a beautiful smile graced her soft lips; lips that I so desperately wanted to kiss. "There are some things that we need to talk about; things that have happened. I'm working through my steps, and if I'm going to fully recover, then I need to do it right," I said, pausing for a few long minutes. “Why don't we walk down to the beach? We can talk and enjoy the sunshine at the same time. God knows I've missed the sound of the ocean," I told her. The look on her face let me know that she had me figured out. She knew that I was stalling for time, avoiding the things that I needed to say.

Damn it! That was something the old me would have done. "Come on," I said as I took her hand in mine, and I immediately felt the familiar tingle when we touched. We walked through the house, hand in hand, silently until we reach the white sand just beyond the house. The private beach was one thing that sold us on the house. The blue water, white beach, and the sound of the waves were very relaxing after months on the road. Honesty lowered herself onto the sand and crossed her legs at the ankles while I stood, staring out at the blue water. The silence between us grew awkward until I finally found my voice. "Honesty, I'm going to be honest with you and just lay it all out there, and if you walk away afterward, I'll just have to live with it." I said. "I will say, that if you decide that we can't be friends, it will kill me," I told her, and watched as she took a deep breath, as if she were preparing herself for the worst. "When I was growing up, my dad used to push me around, he’d tell me that I wasn't worth the air I breathed or the space I took up. He blamed me for my mom being gone. He told me that she just couldn't live with what a failure that her son was." My gut twisted at the memory. "I know now that all those hateful words that came out of his mouth were just that: hateful words. My dad was a drunk and an addict," I paused remembering all the times I saw him with a needle in his arm, or lines of cocaine on the kitchen table. "I learned from the best.”

"You can't believe that!" She exclaimed as she jumped to her feet and stood in front of me with concern in her eyes; concern that I was sure would be replaced with disgust.

"I did believe that, but I don't now, not after talking about it openly. My therapist helped me to see that," I said. Dropping her hand, I took a few steps forward, just enough that the water splashed over the tops of my bare feet, as I prepared to tell her the ugly truth. "Honesty, Teagan and I have a past," I said. She frowned and took a step back. "It didn't mean anything then, and it doesn't mean anything now," I said, pleading for her to understand. “It’s just, when Teagan is around, she's a constant temptation.”

"Oh God!" She said, turning to walk away from me, but I grabbed her arm.

"No wait! I said that all wrong. Teagan is not the temptation, it's the drugs. You see, whenever she's around, we do drugs together. She's always carrying." I paused for a moment before continuing. She looked up at me beneath her thick lashes, as if she were waiting for the next shoe to drop. "The day that I played for you," I paused for a moment, "I stayed behind because I saw Sweet Misery's bus pull onto the lot. I had planned to confront her, to tell her that there was someone special in my life, and that I wasn't going to do drugs with her this go around, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She knew how weak I was around the stuff. She knew that it would be easy to convince me to use with her, and that's what she did. She pulled that vial from her pocket, knowing that the moment I saw it, I'd be putty in her hands. I didn't make it back to the hotel because I was stoned out of my head from doing lines of coke with her all afternoon. I saw you walk into the dressing room that night, and so did she. When I told her that there was someone I needed to talk to, she put two and two together, and figured out that your were my ‘someone special’," I reached for her arm, but she took another step back. "Teagan has never been able to keep her hands to herself, and she couldn't stand that I kept refusing her advances. She knew just what to do to give you the wrong idea, and that’s exactly what she did. When you wouldn't let me explain, she knew that she had won, and she used it against me," I explained. You see Honesty, when I do coke, especially with alcohol, I have no control over my actions. Hell, half the time I don't even remember what I've done until the next day, and even then someone might have to tell me about it. I went to the hotel bar after I left your door that night. I drank almost a whole bottle of Jack by the time Teagan showed up. She sat down, we had a few drinks, and I went back to her room with her.” I tried to take note of the way her body stiffened. "I had sex with her that night," I stated. "The effects of the coke had started to wear off by the time we finished," I said, pausing. "I know this probably won't make a difference, but I regretted it before I ever got dressed," I explained.

I watched as she took all of this in. Her expression was blank, but the real truth lay behind those dark green eyes. I saw it appear, if only for a moment before she pushed it back down. "I wish I could tell you that it didn't happen again, but it did. After you left and went back home, all I could think about was the fact that you were gone. "I couldn't think straight, and I'd drank half a bottle of Jack in the dressing room before a show. Teagan showed up in the dressing room and offered me some coke. She knew I wouldn't turn it down. I played like a demon that concert. I had energy on top of energy; I was fucking overflowing with it. It masked all the bad thoughts about myself, the pain of you leaving, and left me with the feeling of being invincible. I was on top of the fucking world again, and once again, when the concert was over, Teagan and I got together to do drugs. One thing led to another, and it happened again." I let out a nervous breath that felt like I had been holding for the last thirty minutes. I stood still while the tide pulled the sand from beneath my feet, wishing it would just swallow me up and pull me deep into the depths. That would definitely be better than standing here, waiting for her to speak.

Her spine straightened and she lifted her piercing green eyes to mine. Her face still expressionless, but I could read the hurt behind those eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry for. We were just two friends who had no-strings-attached sex. You told me what to expect before I ever slept with you, so I knew what I was doing. You said you didn't do relationships, so it is not as if we were exclusive and you cheated. Don't give it another thought," she said with a forced smile that didn't reach her eyes.

My heart sank, hearing her words. I would rather her scream and shout, maybe even slap me, at least then I would know that I meant something to her, but she basically just shrugged it off. The only thing I could do was move forward and hope that she forgave me enough to be my friend. I could work toward winning her love. We stood there for a few long moments just staring out at the crashing waves before she finally spoke again.

"I'm going to head back now," she hooked her thumb in the direction of the condo. "I still have a lot of studying to do," she said, her voice full of sadness. She cocked her head and looked at me, as if she could see deep into my dark soul "You going be okay?" She asked me.

I gave a nod with a look of disbelief on my face; disbelief that she would ask me if I was okay, when she should be kicking sand in my face. I turned to watch her walk up the stone pathway and disappear into the house, then turned back to face the water. I lowered myself down onto the sand to think about what just happened; the hurt in her eyes when I told her about sleeping with Teagan. She may have brushed it off as if it was nothing, but I could see it in her eyes. She still cared about me, whether she wanted me to know it or not, and I would do my damndest to win her back.

I sat for a long time, staring at the ocean, and the sun was already starting to set. Brushing the sand from my pants, I walked up the stone pathway, into the house where everyone was gathered around the big screen, playing the X-box. I sat on the end of the couch as Honesty and Jinx played Call of Duty. The sound of curse words and laughter was like music to my ears after spending six months listening to a bunch of addicts piss and moan about why we used. Honesty glanced in my direction and smiled. She might not have said that she was mad or hurt, but the vibe she was giving off was not one of joy. It made me feel like shit and I wanted to kick my own ass.

"I'm going to head upstairs and call my sponsor. I have to check in and let him know that I've gotten home and settled in," I announced as I moved toward the stairs, but Honesty stopped me.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you, I moved my stuff into the office for the time being. I'll sleep on the foldout so that you can have your room back," she said with a sweet smile that I definitely did not deserve.

"You didn't have to do that. I can sleep on the foldout," I told her, but she shook her head in disagreement, causing her shiny, brown hair to fall over one shoulder, covering her left breast.

"No. That is your room. I should have taken the office to begin with. It is not a big deal," she said and picked the controller up off of the coffee table and sat back down. I knew there was no point in arguing. She had already made up her mind, so I respected her decision and walked up the stairs to my room to make my phone call.

My sponsor thought it was a good idea to wait until after the first of the year to go back on the road with the guys. He also thought it was a good idea to have a sober companion stay with me, however he wasn't so sure it was such a good idea for that someone to be Honesty. He said he felt like it might put unnecessary pressure on me because I was attracted to her. However, once I explained that I had come clean about Teagan, and how Honesty brushed it off by saying that we weren't a couple, he thought we might actually be able make it work.

I stripped out of my clothes, leaving only my boxers on and slid beneath the cool sheets on my bed. Immediately, the sweet smell of jasmine and vanilla flooded my senses and I pictured Honesty's naked body curled beneath the sheets. My dick hardened at the thought. Closing my eyes, I drifted off, remembering the feel of her silky skin beneath my fingertips.

"Where the hell have you been, boy?" My father shouted as I stepped inside the rusty old trailer where my father spent most of his time drinking, among other things.

"I was at school, just like I am any other day of the week." I knew the moment it came out of my mouth I would regret it. My father grabbed the back of my shirt and slung me across the room, where I landed in a heap after hitting the thin paneling on the wall.

"You know better than to smart off to me boy. I don't know why you even bother going to that sorry excuse of a school. You can't teach somebody who's stupid! You need to get out and get a job. Earn your keep. By the time I was fourteen, I was working at the mill ten hours a day. It turned me into a man! You're just a pathetic excuse of a boy," he snarled, showing his tobacco-stained teeth. "Get your ass up off the floor and get this place cleaned up. I'm meeting’ the boys to play cards and this place better be spotless by the time I get back."

I awoke with a start, sitting straight up in bed, gasping for air, my heart pounding, and sweat dripping from my hair. It was just a dream, I reminded myself. I didn't start having these fucking dreams again until I detoxed. Remembering my dad was not something that I want to do. He was right where he should be: six feet under, in the Lexington county cemetery. I thought I buried those fucking memories with him that day, but somehow, they've escaped with a vengeance. Looking at the window, I could see that it was still early. The sun was not even up, but I didn’t think I could go back to sleep after that dream, so I slipped on a pair of shorts and headed down stairs. There was nothing better than watching the sunrise over the ocean.