Текст книги "Honesty"

Автор книги: Regina Frame

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Linc

Des Moines, IA.

She's gone. Those two little words nearly brought me to my knees when Jinx informed us at practice today that Honesty had left, gone back to Park Ridge without a word. Not that she owed me an explanation. Hell, she didn't owe me shit after the way I treated her. I could tell by the look on Jinx's face that he blamed me for her leaving. Shit, I knew I was to blame. I should have admitted my feelings for her, but instead, I once again let the coke take over. Every fucked up thing I had ever done had been the end result of my using, but the using was the only thing that kept the demons away. I didn’t have to relive the past while I was in the haze of the present. For me, that was the only way.

After practice, I went back to my room with a hole in my heart and hell-bent on getting fucked up before that evening’s show. At that point, I didn’t want to feel anything but high. I was a fuck up and this time I fucked up royally. I pulled the small zippered bag from my duffle bag and spread the contents out on the table in front of the window. After preparing two lines of coke, I snorted it through a rolled up hundred dollar bill before shoving it all back into the green duffle. I threw my head back and shouted, "Yes" as the rush of the cocaine flooded my system, and the feeling of euphoria took the place of all that was fucked up in my life. I grabbed the bottle of J. D. off of the dresser and unscrewed the top. Not bothering with a glass, I tipped the bottle back and took one large gulp after another. The fire that it created as it rolled down my throat and into my gut was a welcome distraction in that moment. By the time I arrived at the venue, I was flying high and ready to fucking rock out!

"You're fucking high man!" Court exclaimed, getting in my face. "You go on stage in less than fifteen minutes and you look like a fucking zombie. If you screw this up, so help me God, you'll wish you hadn’t!" He said through clenched teeth, a huge vein in his neck looked like it could blow at any moment.

After Sweet Misery played their last song, they exited the stage and Tegan headed straight for me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and covered my mouth with hers. Being the dick that I was, I kissed her back. She was warm and female, and I was a dick. That night, I played my ass off, and the concert was a huge success. After three encores, we all headed to a local dive bar to celebrate yet another sold out show. We entered the crowded bar and immediately gathered around the pool table in the corner where a group of guys were already playing.

"I'll bet you a thousand bucks you can't call it," I said to the tall skinny guy with the shaved head and full sleeve of tattoos. Everyone around the table stopped what they were doing as the skinny guy considered the challenge I had just thrown at him.

"You've got yourself a bet, and you had better be ready to put your money where your mouth is," he grinned and took a swig of his Corona. He leaned over the green felt and struck the white ball, slamming it into the solid blue which banked off the side and went straight into the corner pocket; just like he had said it would. Being the cocky asshole that I was, I took it to the next level.

Taking a healthy gulp of my Jack Daniels, I looked him in the eye and said, "I've got two thousand that says you can't do that again." I took another gulp of my drink and ignored the guys as they tried to get me to shut the fuck up.

"You're fucking high out of your mind, dude. Let's get out of here," Chance said as he grabbed my arm in an attempt to pull me away, but I shrugged him off. "You don't know what you're doing," he insisted, but I continued to ignore him.

I looked up at the skinny dude, who was smirking at me, and he said, "Let's make that four thousand." He tipped his bottle back and swallowed down the last of his beer. I smiled and nodded, letting him know that I was all in. There was no way in hell that he would make that next shot. His last ball on the table was blocked by the eight ball, and I was pretty sure there was no way around it without knocking it in. When I agreed, he smiled big enough to reveal his tobacco stained teeth, then pulled his stick back, striking the cue ball, knocking it against the green nine ball, which banked off the center rail, around the eight ball, and straight into the corner pocket. Just like that, I was down five thousand dollars.

How can things possibly get any worse?

"You fucking cheated!" I narrowed my eyes at him and staggered as I turned to walk away, but I was stopped when a big hand landed on my shoulder.

"Look, Pretty Boy, you owe me. Unless you want to be carried out of here tonight, I suggest you pay me what you owe me," he warned. Levi stepped between us and placed his hands on my chest, pushing me and causing me to take a step back.

"No need for violence, man," Levi told the man and his friends, who seemed to have gathered behind him. "He's fucked up, man. He doesn't know what he's doing," Levi told him, but the skinny guy rolled his neck and shoulders, while pinning me with his gaze.

"I'm about to fuck him up like he's never been fucked up before!" He announced, balling his hands into tight fists at his side.

"Here you go, dude. Here's your money." Chance said, holding out a wad of cash for the skinny guy to take. He reached out and took it, thumbing through it to make sure it was all there. "We good?" Chance asked. The guy nodded in agreement, then pinned me with his stare again.

"You're lucky your friends were with you tonight. My guys and I aren't usually the forgiving types, but we are willing to let you walk out of here this time. You need to think twice before you start spouting shit," he warned.

That's it! I've heard enough.

With the adrenaline coursing through my veins, mixed with the drugs and alcohol, all of my common sense went right out the window. I drew back my fist and laid it on the right side of his jaw. I let him get in a few good licks, as I welcomed the pain. Hell, I deserved it. Fists were flying, blood splattered, and the next thing I knew, I was in handcuffs, being placed in the back of a police car listening to the officer as he read me my rights. The sound of metal clinking against metal woke me up, as the heavy cell door swung open.

"McKay, you're outta here," the officer said. I actually had it in me that morning to feel a little regret for what had happened that night, even though I was sure I didn’t remember it all. I knew the guys would be more than happy to fill me in once I got back to the hotel. I was led down a narrow hall, past a few offices, before we entered an area where I saw Court talking to an officer at the desk.

Shit!

The officer behind the desk looked over his shoulder at me and then pressed a button under the desk. I heard a click, indicating that he had unlocked the door for me.

"Let's go." That was all Court had to say as he turned and began walking toward the exit. We were immediately confronted by reporters and photographers, trying to get my side of the story. "No comment." Court told them, as he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the car waiting at the curb. I opened the door and slid in as Court walked around the front of the car and slid in under the wheel. The camera flashes and cell phone videos continued. "What the fuck were you thinking?" He finally asked. His grip on the steering wheel tightened, causing his knuckles to turn white and the muscle in his jaw to twitch with anger. "You know what," he turned his head in my direction for a moment then turned his attention back to the road ahead. "Don't answer that, because I'm tired of hearing your excuses. When we get back to the bus we're going to have a band meeting and I'm going to leave it up to the guys this time. They can decide whether they want to kick you out or not. I'm going to warn you though; they're pretty pissed with you right now, so I wouldn't hold my breath. I will say that if they vote to let you stay this time, there won't be a next time; I'll make sure of that. I won't stand by and watch you kill yourself. If you're so hell-bent on offing yourself, at least have enough respect for your friends to do it without dragging them down with you!" He spat out.

The ride back to the bus was made in total silence, and although he was no longer chastising me, I could hear him loud and clear. I would be lucky if the guys didn’t kick me out; I couldn't blame them if they did. It was what I deserved. I felt like I was drowning, sinking a little deeper into the black abyss every day, with no hope of ever surviving.

Maybe I don’t want to survive. I was surprised when the guys decided to give me another chance: a chance that I was sure to screw up.

Linc

Omaha, Nebraska

It had been a week since Honesty left, and I missed her every moment of every day. She was the only light in the darkness that was my life, and now she was gone, and it was my fault. I would never forgive myself for pushing away the only good thing to ever happen in my life. After she left, Tegan and I had a big blow up. She simply couldn’t keep her fucking hands to herself, and she always had an endless supply of drugs. I knew that as long as she was around and offering, there was not a chance in hell of me ever getting better.

We all sat down with Court and told him that he needed to do something about Sweet Misery, or we would be walking away from the tour. We weren't able to kick them off the tour, but at least they would have a separate staging room, stay at a different hotel, and their bus would leave before ours. We were like two ships passing in the night, and all I could say was, “Thank fuck for that!”

We played a killer concert at the Century Center in Omaha. The crowd were wicked as usual, with half naked women, body surfing, and random underwear being thrown at our feet. I prepared for the show the same way that I always had, except for the usual two lines of coke; it was up to three, and I chased it with as much Jack as I could get in my system before going on stage.

The stage lights went down as we took our designated places on stage. When the strobes began to flash and the backdrop came to life, the crowd exploded with screams so loud I was pretty sure some of the windows shattered in the building. That was the shit that made it all worthwhile. The rush of the crowd, the buzz of adrenaline in the air. I stripped out of my shirt as Levi began his third song. My heart was thundering like a freight train in my chest, threatening to break free. I was not sure if the roaring in my ears was from the crowd or the blood rushing through my head. My head felt as if it had been stuffed with cotton, and I felt like I could just float away. I felt fucking invincible. Once Jinx began his drum solo, the other guys stepped to the side of the stage and grabbed bottles of water; everyone but me. I suddenly had the bright idea to climb to the top of the light scaffolding at the back of the stage.

How fucking cool is this?

The crowd cheered and I could hear my name being chanted from somewhere below. With every step I climbed, the more confident I became, until suddenly, I missed a step and crashed onto the stage below. I couldn’t breathe, and the faces blurred before everything went black.

"You're a lucky man," the dark haired man in the white jacket told me. "You could've very easily broken your back, maybe even ended up paralyzed," he said, as he stared down at something in my chart. "I see here there was a combination of cocaine and heroin in your system, along with a blood alcohol of .20." He paused for a moment and looked up from my chart before continuing. "You're playing Russian roulette with your life, son. I can transfer you to our–"

"You're not transferring me anywhere. I know what you're going to say, so I'll just stop you right there," I said as I struggled to sit on the side of the bed. "I don't need to go to fucking drug rehab, NA or AA, or any of that bullshit! Did I break any bones?" I asked him.

"No," he answered.

"Good, because I'm fucking leaving," I told him, and pushed myself up off of the bed in the exam room. The doctor looked at me and sighed heavily; clearly not happy with my decision to leave.

"I'll go sign off on your papers, but I'm making note that you're leaving against medical advice, and you'll need to sign it before you leave," he said as he placed his hand on the door knob, looking back at me. "The nurse will be in with the AMA and some precautionary instructions. I suggest that you read them, and if you have any of the side effects listed, you are to call an ambulance or return to the emergency room at once," he explained, stepping from the room and closing the door behind him.

"You're a lucky fucker! I swear, man, you're like a cat with nine lives, or that damn rabbit that keeps going and going!" Chance said with a laugh.

"You're lucky as hell. Seriously man, what were you thinking by climbing up there?" Levi asked. Before I had a chance to respond, Court climbed on the bus and came to stand in front of me.

"I'll tell you what he is: he's fucked! The venue is fining the band fifty thousand dollars for that little stunt you pulled. I've decided though, that the guys shouldn't have to pay for your stupid shit, so I'm personally holding you responsible for the money. It will come out of your pocket this time. I'm suspending you from the next show. You will not play in Denver, and I'm really not sure about the rest of the tour. I've had it up to here!" He said, holding his hand above his head dramatically.

Once Court finished his rant and walked to the front of the bus to speak with Frank, our driver, I turned to the guys and said, "I'll play in Denver. There's no way, he'll keep me from it."

Jinx stood from his place on the couch and stepped in front of me so that we were eye to eye. "When are you going to get your shit straight, man? I don't know what is going on in that head of yours, but you're all kinds of fucked up. Do what you gotta do to get yourself taken care of because we're tired of cleaning up after you," he said, leaning in and poking me hard in the chest with his finger.

I gave him my crooked grin, and then turned and walked to the back of the bus, calling out over my shoulder, "I'm taking the bed tonight." With that, I closed the door to the small bedroom. I didn’t think I could climb into one of those fucking bunks even if I had wanted to. My back hurt like a mother fucker, and I was sure I would be sore as hell the next day. I grabbed a bottle of water from the small fridge we had stocked in the back of the bus, popped a few of the pain pills the doctor prescribed, and crawled between the sheets; the sheets that still smelled like Honesty. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Vanilla and Jasmine. Memories of her flooded my brain: the feel of her skin against mine, her silky hair as I ran my fingers through it, and the taste of her kiss when she gave herself over to me. It all came crashing down on me. I squeezed my eyes tight and drifted into a restless sleep as the pain medicine finally takes over.

Linc

Denver, Colorado

"Let's do this shit," I said as we watched Sweet Misery leave the stage. I could hear the crowd chanting our name in a constant rhythm that reminded me of a heartbeat.

"No fucking tricks tonight, Linc," Court told me through gritted teeth. I gave him a nod just to satisfy him, and let the sound of his voice go in one ear and out the other. There was nothing he could say to break my high. I was born to rock, and that night, I was going to rock the shit out of that place. The lights dimmed and we took our places on the stage. There was an energy in the air that almost felt electric. As if there was a buzz in the air that would make the hairs on your arms stand up. The strobe lights flashed and the crowd went wild as the lights illuminated the stage. Levi moaned into the microphone, causing the women to cheer, and their bodies to writhe. When the lights shifted and the spotlight was on me; I rushed to the end of the stage, dropping to my knees. I let my fingers sink into the strings while I pressed my crotch into my guitar, emulating my favorite past time. My fingers move through the sensual riff and I opened my mouth, letting my tongue flutter in a fast motion, which sent the crowd into a frenzy. When my solo ended, I returned to my side of the stage, and Levi moved into the next song.

Once Levi had sung the last note, Chance and I moved to the center of the stage, facing each other, for War of the Guitars. The sight reminded me of an old western and we were about to have a gun fight at sundown. When Chance hit the first chord, the crowd went bat shit crazy. We played our asses off as bras and panties were thrown onto the stage. I reached down and swiped a white thong from the floor and stuffed it halfway into my pocket. The excitement of the crowd sent a tingle down my spine and chills throughout my body. Once our war was over, and the adrenaline in my body had reached an all-time high, I lifted my guitar from my shoulder and raised it high into the air. Blood curdling screams spread throughout the crowd, because they knew what I was about to do. I slammed my guitar into the stage like an ax into a piece of wood. I smashed it over and over into the stage and watched as the wood splintered across the stage.

This is what it's all about. Giving the fans a show they'll never forget.

I ran my fingers through my sweat-slick hair and pushed it off of my forehead as I straighten to face the crowd. Lifting my arms in the air, the crowd went nuts as everyone crowded the edge of the stage. With arms in the air and the crowd in a frenzy, I jumped from the stage, into the crowd below. Hands were everywhere on me: in my hair, on my ass (among other places), my shirt was even torn from my body before security could get to me. I was suddenly surrounded by four guys who looked like they should be playing football. Big arms blocked the crowd, holding them back away from me until I was escorted safely back stage. I made my way to the dressing room and grabbed a bottle of Jack from the snack table. I didn’t bother with a glass. I twisted the cap off and tossed it on the table before turning it up and taking a healthy gulp just as the guys came through the door, hot, sweaty, and out of breath. Court was hot on their heels, looking none too happy at the moment. Security opened the door and several fans entered, all giddy with excitement. A beautiful girl with long blonde hair and huge tits headed in my direction with a big smile on her face, I already knew what she was thinking, but I was not interested in her that night. The only woman I was interested in was not there. I pushed her away; lifting my chin and shaking my head, letting her know that I was not interested. She frowned at me but, quickly recovered when she plastered herself to Chance's side.

"Where are we meeting up later?" I asked the gang while wiping the sweat from my face and neck.

"Who says we have to go anywhere?" Jinx replied, giving me a dirty look, but I ignored it. Ever since Honesty left, he had been a pain in my ass.

"I thought Court was the fucking fun police," I told him with a smirk, but he didn’t respond. I needed another bump if I was going to have to put up with his shit for very long. I knew if I didn’t, I would crash. That was the last fucking thing that I wanted to happen. "You guys are going, aren't you?" I looked between Chance and Levi, who were flirting with a few of the fans.

"Nah, man. I've got everything I need right here." Chance said, palming the girl’s ass next to him.

"Me too, dude. Sorry to bail on you, but I'm taking this party up to my room," Levi proclaimed, with his arm around the cute blonde.

Well...Fuck. If I'm being honest with myself, I really could have used a good night’s sleep.

I was exhausted, and if it weren't for the coke, I would have probably collapsed into a heap on the floor. Maybe I would give my body a break and head up to my room for a shower. I would lie in bed and watch some movies for a change; possibly try and sleep for once.

"Linc, you and I need to talk," Court told me, giving the guys a look that told them it was time for them to leave.

Once we had the dressing room to ourselves, he said, "Linc, as a part of the contract that you signed, might I remind you, it clearly states there is to be no trashing of equipment on stage. It's a liability risk. You know that. What if some unsuspecting fan was to have been hurt from a piece of flying wood? We could be sued and the venue could have been sued. You're damn lucky that didn't happen tonight."

"It's my fucking guitar, my money, and if I want to destroy it, I will. You don't say a word to Jinx when he throws his drum sticks into the crowd, or when Chance throws guitar picks. You seem to be riding my ass an awful lot lately," I told him. "I don't like it!" I said through clenched teeth.

"I don't give a shit whether you like it or not. The crowd expects the drum sticks and the guitar picks, but they're not watching for splinters of wood to come flying at their faces. As for me being on your ass a lot lately, I have to be. You're always doing some kind of crazy shit that's either going to injure someone, or worse yet, kill them or yourself," he told me. I could feel my blood boiling in my veins. It was all I could do not to pound him into the ground with my bare fists at that moment, but I held myself back because I was not a big fan of jail.

"I pay part of your salary, and I'm telling you to get off my ass and leave me alone!" I shouted.

"Linc, I was hired by the group to look out for the band’s best interest and keep you safe from harm, even if that means harm from yourselves. I should have done this before now–"

I interrupted him before he could finish. "What are you saying?" I asked with my hands balled into tight fists at my side.

He sighed heavily before speaking again. “Linc, you're suspended from the band until further notice. I suggest that you check yourself into rehab and get yourself clean, maybe even see a therapist if that's what it takes. Then maybe, just maybe the guys will take you back once you have cleaned yourself up," he told me.

"I'll talk to the guys. They won't go along with this," I told him, and in my gut, I didn’t believe myself.

This is it. It's finally come to this.

"They'll back me. We met after the last show and we all decided that this is what needed to happen. I'm sorry, man but it's for your own good, whether you believe me or not," he said, staring at me for a moment. When I didn’t speak, he turned and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Fuck!

I dropped down into one of the chairs and rested my head in my hands.

This can't be happening to me. How did I get to this point in my life?

Every morning I woke up and looked in the mirror, I had to ask myself who the man was staring back at me. I no longer knew him. When I went to bed at night, I prayed that I would just be swallowed up by the darkness, and I wouldn’t have to face the man in that mirror the next morning. I picked up the bottle of whiskey from the floor and swallowed half the bottle, concentrating on the trail of heat all the way from my mouth to the pit of my stomach. I needed it. I welcomed it, anything to take me away from the reality of what I had become. Letting the bottle slip through my fingers it landed on its side and whiskey poured out onto the floor. I didn’t even bother to pick it up. I pushed myself up from the chair and headed over to the hotel.

When I finished with my shower, I pulled on a pair of pajama pants and ordered pizza before grabbing the remote and settling on the bed. I flipped through the channels until I came to a familiar movie. I thought I probably wouldn’t even watch it, it was just background noise; a distraction from my thoughts. I poured myself a drink from the bottle of Jack that was so conveniently sitting on the nightstand beside the bed. By the time the food arrived I had already drank half of the bottle. I was feeling pretty relaxed, sleepy even. I forced a piece of pizza down, only because I didn't eat much the day before and I was not so much out of it that I didn’t realize that I needed to eat. I washed the slice down with what was left in the bottle. My body felt relaxed. My limbs were heavy, and I could barely hold my eyes open. I struggled to concentrate on the movie, but my eyes became blurry, the sounds faded into the darkness, and I lost the struggle to remain conscious.

**********

Where am I?

My fucking head was killing me. My throat felt like I had swallowed a bunch of broken glass. I strained to open my eyes when I heard muffled voices around me. My vision was blurry and my hearing was fuzzy. I was conscious enough to know that I was no longer in my hotel room, but where was I? Hell? With the lifestyle I was living, I was pretty sure that was where I would go, but my body was cold, so maybe I was waiting to cross over to my eternity.

"Linc?" I could barely make out my name through the static sound in my ears. "Linc? You need to wake up. Please wake up?"

I'm trying. I am, but it's a struggle and right now, I'm just too tired to fight. I'm cold, so, so cold.

I tried to force my eyes open, but they were too heavy and I was too weak. I lost my struggle when everything went silent.