Текст книги "The Schopenhauer Cure"

Автор книги: Наталия Май

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 26 страниц)

26

_________________________

Thereare few ways by

which you can make

more certain of

putting people into

a good humor than by

telling them of some

trouble that has

recently befallen

you, or by

disclosing some

personal weakness of

yours.

_________________________

At the next meeting Gill plunked himself down, his huge frame testing the

limits of his chair, waited until everyone arrived, and started the meeting.

«If no one else has something, I want to continue with the ‘secrets`

exercise.»

«Let me insert a cautionary note here,” said Julius. «I don`t think it`s

a good idea to make this a prescribed exercise. Ido believe that folks do

better in the group when they reveal themselves fully, but it`s important to

move at our own pace and not feel pressured by any exercise to open up.»

«I hear you,” answered Gill, «but I don`t feel pressured. Iwant to

talk about this, and I also don`t want to leave Rebecca and Stuart hanging

out there alone. That okay?»

After noting the nods in the group, Gill continued: «My secret goes

back to when I was thirteen. I was a virgin, barely into puberty, covered

with acne, and Aunt Valerie, my father`s youngest sister...she was late

twenties or early thirties...used to stay with us from time to time—she was

between jobs a lot. We got along great, played around a lot when my folks

were out—wrestling, tickling, card games. Then one time, when I cheated

at strip poker and got her naked, things got real sexual—no longer tickling

but some serious feeling up. I was inexperienced and hormone–hot and

didn`t know exactly what was going on, but when she said to ‘stick it in,` I

said ‘yes, ma`am` and followed instructions. After that we did it anytime

we could until a couple of months later when my folks came home early

and caught us red–handed, flat out in the act—what`s that

called...flagrant...flagrant something?»

Gill looked toward Philip, who opened his mouth to answer but was

preempted by Pam, who said with lightning speed, «Flagrante delicto.»

«Wow, fast...I forgot we havetwo professors here,” murmured Gill,

who continued his account: «Well, the whole thing kind of messed up the

family. My dad didn`t get too hot under the collar about it, but my mother

was livid and Aunt Val didn`t stay with us anymore, and my mother was

furious with Dad for continuing to be friendly to her.»

Gill stopped, looked around, and then added, «I can understand why

my mother was upset, but, still, it was as much my fault as Aunt Val`s.»

«Yourfault—at thirteen? Come on!» said Bonnie. Others—Stuart,

Tony, Rebecca—nodded in agreement.

Before Gill could respond, Pam said, «I`ve got a response, Gill.

Maybe not what you`re expecting but something I`ve been holding back,

something I wanted to say to you even before I left on my trip. I don`t

know how to put it tactfully, Gill, so I`m not going to try—just going to

cut loose. Bottom line is that your story doesn`t move me one bit, and, in

most ways,you just don`t move me. Even though you say you`re revealing

yourself like Rebecca and Stuart did, I don`t experience you as

beingpersonal.

«I know that you`re committed to the group,” Pam continued. «You

seem to work hard, you take a lot of responsibility for taking care of

others, and, if someone runs out, it`s usually you that runs to get them

back. You seem to reveal yourself, but you don`t—it`s an illusion—you

stay hidden. Yes, that`s what you are—hidden, hidden, hidden. Your story

about your aunt is so typical of what I mean. Itseems personal, but it`s not.

It`s a trick because it`s notyour story, it`s your Aunt Val`s story, andof

course everyone is going to jump in and say, ‘But you were just a child,

you were thirteen, you were the victim.` What else could they say? And

your stories about your marriage havealways been about Rose, never

about you. And they always get exactly the same response from us,

‘Whydo you put up with that shit!`

«When I was meditating in India—bored out of my gourd—I

thought a lot about this group. You can`t believe how much. And I thought

about each person here. Except for you, Gill. I hate to say this, butI just

didn`t think about you. When you talk, I never know who you`re talking

to—maybe the walls, or the floor, but I never experience you as

speakingpersonally to me.»

Silence. The members seemed bewildered about how to respond.

Then Tony whistled and said, «Welcome back, Pam.»

«No sense of being here if I`m not going to be honest,” said Pam.

«What are you feeling, Gill?» asked Julius.

«Oh, just my typical feeling when I get a drop–kick to my belly—

spitting out a few pieces of pancreas. Isthat personal enough, Pam? Wait,

wait, sorry, don`t answer. I didn`t mean that. I know you`re giving me

good straight stuff. And deep down, I know you`re right.»

«Say more about that Gill, about her being right,” said Julius.

«She`s right. I could reveal more. I know that. I have things I could

say to people here.»

«To who, for example?» asked Bonnie.

«Well,you. I really like you, Bonnie.»

«Nice to hear, Gill, but it`s still not too personal.»

«Well, I got off on you calling me a hunk a couple of weeks ago.

And I don`t buy into your labeling yourself homely and so out of

Rebecca`s beauty league—I`ve always had a thing—maybe ever since

Aunt Val—about older women. And I`ll be honest, I had some juicy

fantasies when you invited me to stay at your place when I didn`t want to

go home to Rose.»

«That why you didn`t take Bonnie up on her offer?» asked Tony.

«Other stuff came up.»

When it became clear Gill was not going to elaborate, Tony asked,

«You want to say more about the other stuff?»

Gill sat for a moment, his bald pate glistening with sweat, and then

mustered resolve and said, «Tell you what, let me go around the rest of the

group and talk about my feelings.» He began with Stuart, who sat next to

Bonnie. «For you, Stuart, I got nothing but admiration. If I had kids, I`d

feel lucky to have you as their doctor. And what you described last week

doesn`t change any of my feelings.

«And you, Rebecca, tell you the truth, you intimidate me—you

seem too perfect, too pretty, too clean. What you told us about the incident

in Las Vegas doesn`t change that—to me you`re still pristine and spotless

with tons of confidence. Maybe it`s because I`m flustered now, but I can`t

even remember why you`re in therapy. Stuart`s image of you being a

porcelain doll—that rings true—maybe you`re a little too brittle, maybe

you got some sharp edges—I don`t know.

«And, Pam, you`re a straight shooter, blunt, smartest person I`d ever

met until Philip entered—he can give you a run for it. I know I don`t want

to get on the wrong side of either of you. But, Pam, you`ve got stuff to

work on with men. They`ve given you hard times, but then, again, you

hate us. All of us. Hard to know what`s chicken, what`s egg.

«Philip, you`re way up there, like, in another whole layer or...or

realm ofbeing. But I wonder about you. I wonder if you`ve ever had a

friend—I can`t see you actually hanging out, having a beer, talking about

the Giants. I can`t see you having a good time or actually everliking

anyone. And I`ll tell you the real question for me:why aren`t you lonely? ”

Gill continued on, «Tony, you`re fascinating to me, you work with

your hands, you really do things, not push numbers around like me. I wish

you weren`t so ashamed of your work.

«Well that`s everybody.»

«No, it`s not,” said Rebecca, glancing toward Julius.

«Oh, Julius? He`s of the group, not in the group.»

«What`s ‘ofthe group` mean?» asked Rebecca.

«Oh, I don`t know, just a cute phrase I heard and been wanting to

use. Julius—he`s just there for me, for everyone, he`s far above us. The

way he...”

«He?» asked Julius, pantomiming searching about the group.

«Where is this ‘he` guy?»

«Okay, I meanyou, Julius, the way you`re handling your illness—I

mean it`s impressive—I`ll never forget it.»

Gill stopped. Everyone`s attention remained riveted upon him, but

he exhaled with a loud «whoosh.» He looked as though he had had it and

settled back in his chair, obviously fatigued, and took out a handkerchief

and wiped his face and head.

Sentiments such as «good job, you took some risks» were voiced by

Rebecca, Stuart, Tony, and Bonnie. Pam and Philip remained silent.

«How was that, Gill? You satisfied?» asked Julius.

Gill nodded. «I broke some new ground. Hope I didn`t offend.»

«How about you, Pam? You satisfied?»

«I`ve already put in my time today as the group bitch.»

«Gill, let me ask you to do something,” said Julius. «Imagine a

continuum of self–revealing. At one pole, which we`ll call ‘one,` is the

safest revealing, cocktail party stuff; and at the other pole, call it ‘ten,`

would be the deepest and riskiest revealing you can possibly imagine. Got

that?»

Gill nodded.

«Now look back on your go–round just now. Tell me, Gill, what

kind of score would you give yourself?»

Continuing to nod, Gill answered swiftly, «I`d give myself a ‘four,`

maybe a ‘five`.»

Julius, wanting to circumvent intellectualization or other defenses

from Gill`s arsenal of resistance, responded instantly, «And now tell me,

Gill, what would happen it you were to ratchet up a notch or two?»

«If I were to ratchet up a notch or two,” Gill replied without

hesitation, «I`d tell the group I was an alcoholic and that I drink myself to

unconsciousness every night.»

The group was stunned, Julius no less than the others. Before he had

brought Gill into the group, he had seen him in individual therapy for two

years andnever, not once, had Gill mentioned an alcohol problem. How

could this be? Julius was congenitally trusting of his patients. He was one

of those optimistic souls who was greatly destabilized by duplicity; he felt

wobbly and needed time to formulate a new vision of Gill. As he mused

silently about his own naГЇvetГ© and the tenuousness of reality, the mood of

the group darkened and progressed from incredulousness to stridency.

«What, you`re joking!»

«I can`t believe it. How could you have come here week after week

and withhold this?»

«You never took a drink with me, not even a beer. What wasthat all

about?»

«Goddamn it! When I think of all the wild–goose chases you led us

on, all the time we wasted.»

«What kind of game were you playing?—everything a lie—I mean

that stuff about Rose`s problems—her bitchiness, her refusing sex, her

refusal to have a child, and not a word about the real issue—your

drinking.»

Once Julius got his bearings, he understood what to do. A basic

axiom that he taught to his group therapy students was:Members should

never be punished for self–disclosure. On the contrary, risk taking must

always be supported and reinforced.

With that in mind, he said to the group: «I understand your dismay

that Gill never told us this before. But let`s not forget one important

thing:today Gill did open up, he did trust us. ” As he spoke, he glanced,

only for a moment, at Philip, hoping that Philip would learn something

about therapy from this transaction. Then to Gill: «What I`m wondering

about iswhat made it possible for you to take this kind of chance today? ”

Gill, too ashamed to face the others, concentrated his attention on

Julius and replied in a chastened tone. «I guess it was the risky revealing

in the last couple of meetings—beginning with Pam and Philip and then

Rebecca and Stuart—I`m pretty sure that was why I could say—”

«How long?» interrupted Rebecca. «How long have you been an

alcoholic?»

«Creeps up on you, you know, so I`m not sure. I always liked the

booze, but I guess I started meeting all the criteria about five years ago.»

«You`re what kind of an alcoholic?» asked Tony.

«My favorite poison is Scotch, cabernet, and black Russians. But I

don`t turn down anything—vodka, gin—totally ambidextrous.»

«What I meant was ‘when` and ‘how much,`” said Tony.

Gill showed no defensiveness and seemed prepared to answer any

question. «Mostly after hours. I start with Scotches as soon as I get home

(or before I get home if Rose is giving me a hard time), and then I work

my way through good wine the rest of the evening—at least a bottle,

sometimes two, until I pass out in front of the TV.»

«Where`s Rose on this?» asked Pam.

«Well, we used to be big wine buffs together, built a two–thousand–bottle cellar, went to auctions. But she`s not encouraging my drinking

now—now she rarely has a glass at dinner and wants no part of any wine–related activities, except for some of her big social wine–tasting events.»

Julius tried again to buck the current and bring the group back to the

here–and–now. «I`m trying to imagine how you must have felt coming to

meeting after meeting here andnot talking about this.»

«It wasn`t easy,” Gill admitted, shaking his head.

Julius always taught students the difference betweenvertical

andhorizontal self–disclosure. The group was pressing, as expected,

forvertical disclosure—details about the past, including such queries as the

scope and duration of his drinking—whereashorizontal disclosure, that

is,disclosure about the disclosure, was always far more productive.

This meeting was vintage stuff for teaching, Julius mused, and he

reminded himself to remember the sequence of events for future lectures

and writing. And then, with a thud, he recalled that the future had no

relevance for him. Though the poisonous black wart had been carved out

of his shoulder, he knew that somewhere in his body lethal colonies of

melanoma remained, voracious cells that craved life more than his own

fatigued cells. They were there, pulsating, gulping oxygen and nutrients,

growing and gathering strength. And his dark thoughts were always there

also, percolating under the membrane of consciousness. Thank God for his

one method of stilling his terror: entering into life as forcefully as

possible. The extraordinarily intense life being lived in this group was

very good medicine for him.

He pressed Gill, «Say more about what passed through your mind

during all those months of group meetings.»

«What do you mean?» said Gill.

«Well, you said, ‘It wasn`t easy.` Say more about that, about those

meetings and why it wasn`t easy.»

«I`d come here all primed but never could unload; something

always stopped me.»

«Dig into that—thesomething that stopped you.» Julius rarely was

so directive in the group, but he was convinced that he knew how to move

the discussion in a beneficial direction that the group might not take on its

own.

«I like this group,” Gill said. «These are the most important people

in my life. I`ve never been a real member of anything before. I was afraid

I`d lose my place, lose any credibility—exactly like what`s happening

now. Right now. People hate drunks...the group will want to boot me

out...you`ll tell me to go to AA. The group will judge me, not help me.»

That was exactly the cue Julius had been waiting for. He moved

quickly.

«Gill, look around the room—tell me, who are the judges here?»

«Everyone`s a judge.»

«All identically? I doubt it. Try to discriminate. Look around the

group. Who are the main judges?»

Gill kept his gaze on Julius. «Well, Tony can come down on you

pretty hard, but no, not on this—he likes his booze, too. That what you

want?»

Julius nodded encouragement.

«Bonnie?» Gill continued to speak directly to Julius. «No, she`s no

judge—except of herself and, once in a while, of Rebecca—she`s always

gentle with me. Stuart, well, he`s one of the judges; he definitely has a

self–righteous streak. Pretty goody–goody sometimes. And Rebecca, for

sure—I hear a lot of directives: be like me, be sure, be thorough, be

dressed right, be washed, be neat. That why I felt released when Rebecca

and Stuart showed so much vulnerability: that made it possible for me to

open up. And Pam—she`sthe judge. Chief justice. No doubt about it. I

know she thinks I`m weak, unfair to Rose, you name it, everything about

me is wrong. I don`t have much hope of pleasing her—in fact, I don`t

haveany hope.» He halted. «Guess that`s it,” he said, scanning the group.

«Oh yes, Philip.» He spoke to Philip directly, unlike the other members.

«Let`s see...I don`t think of you judging me, but I`m not sure if that`s

entirely a compliment. It`s more that you wouldn`t get close enough or

involved enough with me even to bother judging me.»

Julius was well pleased. He had defused the nonconstructive moan

of betrayal and the punitive grilling of Gill. It was a matter of timing;

sooner or later the details of his alcoholism would be aired, but not at this

moment and in this manner.

What`s more, Julius`s focus on horizontal disclosure had yielded a

bonus—Gill`s ten–minute gutsy go–round was a bonanza of data—enough

there to fuel a couple of good sessions.

Turning to the group, Julius said, «Reactions anyone?»

There was hesitation—not, he imagined, because there was so little

to say but too much. The agenda groaned with its own weight: the

members had to have reactions to Gill`s confession, to his alcoholism, and

his sudden toughness in the last few minutes. He waited expectantly. Good

stuff was on its way.

He noted that Philip was looking at him, and, for a moment, their

gazes met—that was unusual. Perhaps, Julius thought, Philip was

signaling his appreciation of the finesse with which he had conducted this

meeting. Or perhaps Philip was pondering Gill`s feedback to him. Julius

decided to inquire and nodded at Philip. No response. So he said, «Philip,

your feelings so far about this meeting?»

«I`ve been wondering whether you were going to participate.»

«Participate?» Julius was astounded. «I`ve been wondering if I were

too active, too directive today.»

«I meantparticipate in the sharing of secrets, ” said Philip.

Will the time ever come, Julius thought, when Philip will say

something even vaguely predictable? «Philip, I`m not evading your

question, but there are some pressing loose ends here.» He turned to Gill:

«I`m concerned about where you are now.»

«I`m on overload. My only issue is whether you`ll allow me to stay

in the group as an alcoholic,” said Gill, whose forehead glistened with

perspiration.

«Sounds like this is the time you need us most. I wonder, though, if

your bringing it up today indicates that you`re gathering resolve to do

something about it. Perhaps entering a recovery program?»

«Yep. After this meeting, I can`t keep doing what I`m doing. I may

need to call you for an individual session. Okay?»

«Of course—as many as you`ll need.» Julius`s policy was to honor

requests for individual sessions with the proviso that members share the

details of those sessions at the following group meeting.

Julius turned back to Philip. «Back to your question. There`s an old

therapist trick which provides a graceful evasion of embarrassing

questions, and that is to reply, ‘I wonder, why are you asking that

question?` Well, I am going to ask you that, but I`mnot going to evade

you. Instead I`ll offer you a proposition: I promise to answer your question

fully if you agree first to explore your motivations for asking it. Do we

have a deal?»

Philip hesitated, then responded. «Fair enough. My motivation for

the question is not complicated. I want to understand your approach to

counseling and, if possible, integrate any parts that might improve my own

counseling practice. I work very differently from you: I don`t offer an

emotional relationship—I`m not there to love my client. Instead I am an

intellectual guide. I offer my clients instruction in thinking more clearly

and living in accord with reason. Now, perhaps belatedly, I`m beginning

to understand what you`re aiming for—a Buber–like I–thou encounter...”

«Buber? Who?» asked Tony. «Hate to keep sounding like a jerk, but

I`m damned if I`m going to sit here and not know what`s going on.»

«Right on, Tony,” said Rebecca. «Every time you ask a question,

you`re doing it for me too. I don`t know who Buber is.»

Others nodded agreement. Stuart said, «I`ve heard the name—

something about» I–thou “—but that`s it.»

Pam jumped in: «Buber`s a German Jewish philosopher, died about

fifty years ago, whose work explores the true encounter between two

beings—the ‘I–thou,` fully present, caring relationship—as opposed to the

‘I–it` encounter that neglects the ‘I–ness` of the other and uses rather than

relates. The idea has come up a lot here—what Philip did to me years ago

was to use me as an it.»

«Thanks, Pam, I got it,” said Tony, and then turned to Philip. «Are

we all on the same page?»

Philip looked at Tony in a quizzical manner.

«You don`t know whatthat means?» said Tony. «Gotta get you a

dictionary of twentieth–century talk. Don`t you ever turn on your TV?»

«I don`t have a TV,” said Philip in an even, nondefensive tone. «But

if you are asking, Tony, whether I agree with Pam`s response about Buber,

the answer is yes—I could not have said it as well.»

Julius was fascinated:Philip uttering Tony`s and Pam`s name?

Philip complimenting Pam? Were these merely evanescent events, or

might they be heralding a momentous change? How much he loved being

alive, Julius thought—alive in this group.

«You still got the floor, Philip. I interrupted you,” said Tony.

Philip continued, «So I was saying to Julius...I mean, I was saying

to you»—he turned to Julius—right?»

«Right, Philip,” Julius replied. «I think you`re going to be a fast

learner.»

«So,” Philip went on, speaking in the measured tone of a

mathematician, «First proposition: you wish to have an I–thou encounter

with each client. Second proposition: an ‘I–thou` consists of a fully

reciprocal relationship—by definition it cannot be a unilateral intimacy.

Third: in the last couple of meetings people here have revealed a lot about

themselves. Hence my entirely justifiable question to you: are you not

required to reciprocate?»

After a moment of silence Philip added, «So that`s the conundrum. I

intended only to observe how a counselor of your persuasion handles a

client`s request for parity.»

«So, your motivation is primarily a test of whether I`ll be consistent

in my approach?»

«Yes, not a test ofyou, personally, but of yourmethod. ”

«Okay, I appreciate your position that the question is in the service

of your intellectual understanding. Now just one further query and then I`ll

proceed to answer you. Why now? Why askthis particular question at this

particular time? ”

«First time it was possible. That was the first slight break in the

pace.»

«I`m not convinced. I think there`s more. Again,why now ?» Julius

repeated.

Philip shook his head in confusion. «This may not be what you`re

asking, but I`ve been thinking of a point Schopenhauer made to the effect

that there are few things that put people in a better humor than to hear of

another`s misfortune. Schopenhauer cites a poem of Lucretius»—«first

centuryB.C. Roman poet,” Philip said in an aside to Tony—«in which one

takes pleasure from standing on the seashore and watching others at sea

struggle with a terrible storm. ‘It is a joy for us,` he says, ‘to observe evils

from which we are free.` Is this not one of the powerful forces taking

place in a therapy group?»

«That`s interesting, Philip,” said Julius. «But entirely off the point.

Let`s stay focused now on the question of ‘why now?`”

Philip still appeared confused.

«Let me help, Philip,” Julius prodded. «I`m belaboring this for a

reason—one which will provide a particularly clear illustration of the

differences between our two approaches. I`d suggest that the answer to

‘why now?` is intimately related to your interpersonal issues. Let me

illustrate: can you summarize your experience in the last couple of

meetings?»

Silence. Philip appeared perplexed.

Tony said, «Seems pretty obvious to me, Professor.»

Philip looked at Tony with raised eyebrows. «Obvious?»

«Well, if you want it spelled it out, here it is: you enter this group

and make a lot of deep–sounding pronouncements. You pull some things

out of your philosophy bag that we all dig. Some people here think you`re

pretty wise—like Rebecca and Bonnie, for example. And me, too. You

supply all the answers. You`re a counselor yourself, and it looks like

you`re competing some with Julius. Same page?»

Tony looked questioningly at Philip, who nodded slightly,

indicating that he should continue.

«So here comes good ole Pam back, and what does she do? Pulls

your cover! Turns out you`ve got a messy past. Real messy. You`re not

Mister Clean after all. In fact you really fucked Pam over. You`re knocked

off your pedestal. Now yougot to be upset about this. And so what do you

do? You come in here today and say to Julius: what`syour secret life? You

want to knockhim off his pedestal, level the playing ground. Same page?»

Philip nodded slightly.

«That`s the way I see it. Hell, what else could it be?»

Philip fixed his eyes on Tony and responded, «Your observations

are not without merit.» He turned and addressed Julius: «Perhaps I owe

you an apology—Schopenhauer always warned against allowing our

subjective experience to contaminate objective observation.»

«And an apology to Pam? How about Pam?» asked Bonnie.

«Yes, I suppose. That too.» Philip glanced fleetingly in her

direction. Pam looked away.

When it became apparent that Pam had no intention of responding,

Julius said, «I`ll let Pam speak for herself at her own pace, Philip, but as

for me—no apology is necessary. The very reason you`re here is to

understand what you say and why you say it. And as for Tony`s

observations—I think they`re right on target.»

«Philip, I want to ask you something,” said Bonnie. «It`s a question

that Julius has asked me many times. «How`d you feel after you left the

meeting the last couple of sessions?»

«Not good. Distracted. Even agitated.»

«That`s what I imagined. I could see that,” said Bonnie. «Any

thoughts about Julius`s final comment to you last week—about being

given a gift by Stuart and Rebecca?»

«I didn`t think about that. I tried but just felt tense. Sometimes I fear

that all the strife and clamor here is a destructive distraction taking me

away from the pursuits I really value. All this focus on the past and on our

desires for change in the future only makes us forget the fundamental fact

that life is nothing but a present moment, which is forever vanishing. What

is the point of all this turmoil, given the ultimate destination of

everything?»

«I see what Tony means about you never having any fun. It`s so

bleak,” said Bonnie.

«I call it realism.»

«Well, go back to that bit about life being only a present moment,”

Bonnie insisted. «I`m just asking about the present moment—your present

response to being given a gift. Also, I`ve got a question about our

postgroup coffee sessions. You charged out pretty quickly after the last

two meetings. Did you think you weren`t invited? No, let me put it this

way: what is your present moment feeling about a coffee session after this

meeting?»

«No, I am unaccustomed to so much talking—I need to recover. At

the end of this meeting I will be very glad to be through for the day.»

Julius looked at his watch. «We`ve got to stop—we`re running over.

Philip, I won`t forget my contract with you. You fulfilled your part. I`ll

honor mine next meeting.»