Текст книги "The Schopenhauer Cure"

Автор книги: Наталия Май

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17

_________________________

Greatsufferings render lesser

ones quite incapable of being

felt, and conversely, in the

absence of great sufferings

even the smallest vexations

and annoyances torment us.

_________________________

At the start of the next meeting all eyes were upon Bonnie. She spoke in a soft hesitant

voice: «It wasn`t such a good idea after all to get myself on the agenda because all week

long I`ve been thinking about what to say, rehearsing my lines over and over, even

though I know that a canned presentation is not the way to go here. Julius has been saying

all along that the group has to be spontaneous if it`s going to work. Right?» Bonnie

glanced at Julius.

Julius nodded. «Bonnie, try to dump the canned presentation. Try this: Close your

eyes and imagine picking up your prepared script, holding it up in front of you and

ripping it in half and then in half again. Now put it in the wastebasket. Okay?»

Bonnie, eyes closed, nodded.

«And now in fresh words tell us about homeliness and beauty. Tell us about you

and Rebecca and Pam.»

Bonnie, still nodding, opened her eyes slowly and began. «You all remember me,

I`m sure. I was the little fat girl in your grade–school classroom. Very chubby, very

clumsy, hair too curly. The one who was pathetic in gym, got the fewest valentines, cried

a lot, never had best friends, always walked home alone, never had a prom invitation, was

so terrified that she never raised her hand in class even though she was smart as hell and

knew all the right answers. And, Rebecca here, well she was my isomer—”

«Your what?» asked Tony. He sat slouched out nearly horizontally in his seat.

«Isomermeans like a mirror image,” responded Bonnie.

«Isomerrefers to two chemical compounds,” pronounced Philip, «that have the

identical constituents in the same proportions but differ in properties because of the way

the atoms are arranged.»

«Thanks, Philip,” said Bonnie. «Maybe that was a pretentious word to use. But,

Tony, I want to say that I admire the way you`ve stuck to your resolution to signal every

time you don`t understand something. That meeting a couple of months ago when you

opened up about your shame about your education and your blue–collar work has really

given me permission to talk about some of my stuff. Okay, now back to my school days.

Rebecca was my absolute opposite, in every way—you name it. I would have died to

have a Rebecca as a friend—I would killed to havebeen a Rebecca. That`s what`s going

on in me. The last couple of weeks I`ve been flooded with memories of my nightmare

childhood.»

«That fat little girl went to school a long time ago,” said Julius. «What brings her

back now?»

«Well, that`s the hard part. I don`t want Rebecca to get angry with me...”

«Best to speak to her directly, Bonnie,” Julius interjected.

«Okay,” said Bonnie, and turning to face Rebecca. «I want to say something to

you, but I don`t want you to be angry with me.»

«I`m all ears,” said Rebecca, her attention fully fixed on Bonnie.

«When I see you operate with men here in the group—how you interest them, how

you entice them—I feel totally helpless. All those old bad feelings creep out: chubby,

insignificant, unpopular, outclassed.»

«Nietzsche,” interjected Philip, «once said something to the effect that when we

awake discouraged in the middle of the night, enemies that we had defeated long ago

come back to haunt us.»

Bonnie broke out into a big smile and turned toward Philip. «That`s a gift, Philip, a

very sweet gift. I don`t know why, but the idea of enemies I had once defeated rising

again makes me feel better. Just to have something named makes it more—”

«Wait a minute, Bonnie,” interrupted Rebecca, «I want to get back to my enticing

men here—explain, please.»

Bonnie`s pupils widened; she avoided Rebecca`s gaze. «It`s not about you. There`s

nothing you do that`s off—it`s all me, it`s my response to perfectly normal female

behavior.»

«What behavior? What are you talking about?»

Bonnie took a deep breath and said, «Preening. You preen. That`s the way it seems

to me. I don`t know how many times in the last meeting you had your barrettes out, your

hair down, flouncing your hair, running your fingers through it, but it was more times

than I can ever remember before. It`s got to be related to Philip`s entrance into the

group.»

«What are you talking about?» asked Rebecca.

«To quote the old sage, Saint Julius, a question ain`t a question if you know the

answer,” interrupted Tony.

«Why don`t you let Bonnie speak for herself, Tony?» said Rebecca, her eyes icy.

Tony was unfazed. «It`s obvious. Philip enters the group, and you change—you

change into a male...ah...what`s the right word?...you`re coming on to him. Do I got it

right, Bonnie?»

Bonnie nodded.

Rebecca reached in her purse for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, carefully

protecting the mascara. «That`s really fucking insulting.»

«This is exactly where I don`t want it to go,” pleaded Bonnie. «This is not about

you, Rebecca—I keep saying that. You`re not doing anything wrong.»

«That doesn`t wash with me—making anen passant nasty accusation about my

behavior and then saying it`s not about me doesn`t make it less nasty.»

«En passant?» asked Tony.

«En passantmeans,” interjected Philip, «in passing—a common term in chess used

when the pawn takes two squares in its opening move and passes an opposing pawn.»

«Philip, you`re a show–off—you know that?» said Tony.

«You threw out a question. I answered it,” said Philip, entirely unaffected by

Tony`s confrontation. «Unlessyour question ain`t a question.»

«Ouch, you got me there.» Tony scanned the rest of the group and said, «I must be

gettin` dumber. I feel more out of it. Am I imagining it, or are there more big words

getting thrown out here? Maybe having Philip here is getting to others, too—not just

Rebecca.»

Julius intervened by using the group therapist`s most common and most effective

tactic—he switched the focus from content to process, that is, away from the words being

spoken to the nature of the relationship of the interacting parties. «Lots going on here

today. Maybe we can step back a minute and try to understand what`s happening. Let me

first put out this question to all of you: what do you see going on in the relationship

between Bonnie and Rebecca?»

«It`s a tough call,” said Stuart, who was always the first to respond to questions

thrown out by Julius. Using his professional/medical voice, he said, «I really cannot tell if

Bonnie has one agenda or two.»

«Meaning?» asked Bonnie.

«Meaning, what`s your agenda? Do you wish to talk about issues with men and

your competition with women? Or, do you wish to take a swipe at Rebecca?»

«I see it from both points of view,” said Gill. «I can see how this dredges up

Bonnie`s old bad memories. And then I can also see why Rebecca is upset—I mean she

may have not known she was fixing her hair—and personally I don`t think that`s such a

big issue.»

«You`re tactful, Gill, «said Stuart. «As usual you try to placate all parties,

especially the ladies. But you know if you get so deep into understanding the female

point of view, you`re never going to speak out in your own voice. That`s what Philip said

to you last week.»

«I resent these sexist comments, Stuart,” said Rebecca. «Frankly, a doctor should

know better. This ‘female point of view` talk is ridiculous.»

Bonnie held up her hands and made aT. «I`ve got to call ‘time out`—I just cannot

go on. This is important stuff, but it`s surreal; I cannot go on with it. How can we go on

with business as usual when Julius has just announced last week he is dying? This is my

fault: I should never have started this topic today about me and Rebecca—it`s too trivial.

Everything`s trivial in comparison.»

Silence. Everyone looked down. Bonnie broke the silence.

«I want to back up. The way I should have started this meeting was to describe a

dream, a nightmare, I had after the last group. I think it involves you, Julius.»

«Go,” urged Julius.

«It was night. I was in a dark train station—”

Julius interrupted, «Try using the present tense, Bonnie.»

«I should know that by now. Okay—it`s night. I`m in a dark train station. I`m

trying to catch a train that`s just beginning to move. I walk faster to get on. I see the

dining car pass by filled with well–dressed people eating and sipping wine. I`m not sure

where to board. Now the train starts to move faster, and the last cars get shabbier and

shabbier, with their windows boarded up. The final car, the caboose, is just a skeleton car,

all falling apart, and I see it pull away from me and I hear the train whistle so loud it

wakes me about fourA.M. My heart was pounding, I was soaked with sweat, and I never

did get back to sleep last night.»

«Do you still see that train?» asked Julius.

«Clear as can be. Moving away down the track. The dream is still scary. Eerie.»

«You know what I think?» said Tony. «I think the train`s the group and that

Julius`s illness will make it fall apart.»

«Right on,” said Stuart, «the train`s the group—it takes you somewhere, and it

feeds you along the way—you know, the folks in the dining car.»

«Yeah, but why couldn`t you get on? Did you run?» asked Rebecca.

«I didn`t run; it was like I knew I couldn`t board.»

«Strange. Like you wanted to board, but at the same time you didn`t want to,” said

Rebecca.

«I sure didn`t try hard to board.»

«Maybe you were too scared to board?» asked Gill.

«Did I tell you all that I was in love?» said Julius.

A hush fell upon the group. Dead silence. Julius looked around, mischievously, at

the puzzled and concerned faces.

«Yes, in love with this group, especially when it works like it`s working today.

Great stuff, the way you`re working on that dream. You guys are something. Let me add

my guess—I`m wondering, Bonnie, if that train isn`t a symbol for me as well. That train

reeked of dread and darkness. And, as Stuart said, it offers nourishment. I try to do that.

But you`re frightened of it—as you must be frightened of me or what`s happening to me.

And that last car, the skeletonlike caboose: isn`t that a symbol, a prevision, of my

deterioration?»

Bonnie stammered, got tissues from the box in the middle of the room, and wiped

her eyes, «I...uh...I...I don`t know how to answer—this whole thing is surreal.... Julius,

you floor me, you knock me out the way you talk about dying so matter–of–factly.»

«We`re all dying, Bonnie. I just know my parameters better than the rest of you,”

said Julius.

«That`s what I mean, Julius. I always love your flippancy, but now, in this

situation, it kind of avoids things. I remember once—it was during that time that Tony

was doing weekend jail time and we weren`t talking about it—that you said if something

big in the group is being ignored, then nothing else of importance gets talked about

either.»

«Two things,” said Rebecca. «First, Bonnie, wewere talking about something

important just now—several important things—and, second, my God, what do you want

Julius to do? Heis talking about this.»

«In fact,” said Tony, «he even got pissed that we heard it from Philip rather than

from him personally.»

«I agree,” said Stuart. «So Bonnie, whatdo you want from him? He`s handling it.

He said he`s got his own support network to help him deal with it.»

Julius broke it off—it had gone far enough. «You know, I appreciate all this

support from you guys, but when it`s this strong then I begin to worry. Maybe I`m getting

loose, but do you know when Lou Gehrig decided to retire? It happened one game when

everyone on the team gushed compliments about how he fielded a routine ground ball.

Maybe you`re considering me too fragile to speak for myself.»

«So, where do we go with this?» said Stuart.

«First, let me say to you, Bonnie, that you`re showing a lot of guts by jumping in

and naming the thing that`s too hot to touch. What`s more, you`re absolutely right: I have

been encouraging some...no,a lot of denial here.

«I`m going to make a short speech and lay it all out for you. I`ve had some

sleepless nights lately and a lot of time to think about everything, including what to do

about my patients and this group. I haven`t had any practice at this. No one practices

endings. They only happen once. No textbooks are written about this situation—so

everything is improvisation.

«I`m faced with deciding about what to do with the time I have left. Look, what are

my options? Terminate all my patients and end this group? I`m not ready to do that—I`ve

got at least a year of good health, and my work means too much to me. And I get a lot out

of it for myself. Stopping all my work would be to treat myself as a pariah. I`ve seen too

many patients with fatal illness who`ve told me that the isolation accompanying their

illness is the worst part of all.

«And the isolation is a dual isolation: first, the very sick person isolates himself

because he doesn`t want to drag others down into his despair—and I can tell you for a

fact that`s one of my concerns here—and, second, others avoid him either because they

don`t know how to talk to him or because they want nothing to do with death.

«So, withdrawing from you is not a good option for me and, what`s more, I don`t

believe for you either. I`ve seen a lot of terminally ill people who underwent change,

grew wiser, riper, and had a great deal to teach others. I think that`s already starting to

happen to me, and I`m convinced that I`ll have a lot to offer you in the next few months.

But if we`re to keep working together, you may have to face a lot of anxiety. You`ll not

only have to face my approaching death, but you may be confronted with your own. End

of speech. Maybe you all have to sleep on this and see what you want to do.»

«I don`t need to sleep on it,” said Bonnie. «I love this group and you and everyone

in it, and I want to work here as long as possible.»

After members echoed Bonnie`s affirmation, Julius said, «I appreciate the vote of

confidence. But group therapy 101 underscores the daunting power of group pressure. It`s

hard to buck group consensus in public. It would take superhuman resolve for any of you

to say today, ‘Sorry, Julius, but this is too much for me, and I`d rather find a healthy

therapist, someone hale enough to take care of me.`

«So, no commitments today. Let`s just stay open and keep evaluating our own

work and see how everyone feels in a few weeks. One big danger which Bonnie

expressed today is that your problems start to feel too inconsequential to discuss. So we

have to figure out the best way for me to keep you working on your own issues.»

«I think you`re doing it, «said Stuart, «by just keeping us informed.»

«Okay. Thanks, that helps. Now let`s go back to you guys.»

A long silence.

«So, maybe I haven`t liberated you. Let me try something. Can you, Stuart, or

others, lay out our agenda, what`s here on the table—what are the open issues today?»

Stuart was the informal group historian: he was blessed with such a retentive

memory that Julius could always call on him for an account of past or present group

events. He tried not to overuse Stuart, who was in the group to learn how to engage

others, not to be a recorder of events. Wonderful with his child patients, Stuart was

socially at a loss whenever he left the perimeter of his pediatrician role. Even in the group

he often carried some of the accoutrements of the trade stuffed in his shirt pocket: tongue

depressors, penlight, lollipops, medication samples. A stable force in the group for the

past year, Stuart had made enormous progress in, as he had put it, «project

humanization.» Yet interpersonal sensitivity was still so undeveloped that his recounting

of group events was entirely without guile.

Leaning back in his chair, he closed his eyes before responding. «Well, let`s see—

we began with Bonnie and her desire to talk about her childhood.» Bonnie had been

Stuart`s frequent critic, and he glanced at her for approval before continuing.

«No, not quite right, Stuart. Right facts, wrong tone. You`re making it sound

flippant. Like I just want to tell a story for the fun of it. There are a lot of painful

memories from my childhood that are now coming up and haunting me. Get the

difference?»

«I`m not sure I do get it. I didn`t say you were doing it for the fun of it. That`s just

the kind of thing my wife complains about. But, to continue: next there was some stuff

with Rebecca, who felt insulted and angry with Bonnie for pointing out how she was

preening and attempting to impress Philip.» Stuart ignored Rebecca`s slapping her hand

to her forehead and muttering, «Goddamnit,” and continued, «Then there was Tony`s

feeling that we were using a more complex vocabulary in order to impress Philip. And

then Tony commented that Philip was a show–off. And Philip`s sharp response to Tony.

And then there was my comment to Gill that he avoided displeasing women so much that

he lost his sense of self.

«Let`s see what else...” Stuart scanned the room. «Well, there`s Philip—not what

he said but what he didn`t say. We don`t talk too much about Philip, as though it`s taboo.

Come to think about it, we don`t even talk aboutnot talking about him. And, of course,

Julius. But we worked on that. Except that Bonnie was particularly concerned and

protective, as she often is about Julius. In fact, the Julius part of the meeting started with

Bonnie`s dream.»

«Impressive, Stuart,” said Rebecca. «And pretty complete: you left out only one

thing.»

«And that is?»

«Yourself. The fact that you were being the group camera again, photographing

rather than plunging in.»

Often the group had confronted Stuart about his impersonal style of participation.

Months ago he described a nightmare in which his daughter had stepped into quicksand

and he could not save her because he wasted so much time getting his camera out of his

backpack to take a snapshot of the scene. That was when Rebecca labeled him the «group

camera.»

«Right you are, Rebecca. I`ll pack my camera away now and say I agree entirely

with Bonnie: you are a good–looking woman. But that`s not news to you—you know that.

And you know I think so. And,of course, you were preening for Philip—doing and

undoing and stroking your hair. It was obvious. How did I feel about it? I felt a little

jealous. No, a lot jealous—you never preened for me. No one ever preened for me.»

«That kind of thing makes me feel like I`m in prison,” Rebecca shot back. «I hate it

when men try to control me like this, like my every movement is under scrutiny.»

Rebecca broke off each word, showing an edge and a brittleness that had been under

wraps for a long time.

Julius remembered his first impressions of Rebecca. A decade ago, long before she

entered the group, he had seen her individually for a year. She was a delicate creature

with an Audrey Hepburn graceful, slim body and precious, large–eyed face. And who

could forget her opening comment in therapy? «Ever since I turned thirty I`ve noticed

that when I enter restaurants, no one stops eating to look at me. I`m devastated.»

Two sources of instruction had guided Julius in his work with her both individually

and in the group. First, there had been Freud`s urging that the therapist should reach out

in a human way to a beautiful woman and not withhold himself or penalize her simply

because she was beautiful. The second had been an essay he had read as a student titled,

«The Beautiful Empty Woman,” which made the point that the truly beautiful woman is

so often feted and rewarded solely for her appearance that she neglects developing other

parts of herself. Her confidence and feelings of success are only skin–deep, and once her

beauty fades she realizes she has little to offer: she has developed neither the art of being

an interesting person nor that of taking an interest in others.

«I make observations, and I`m called a camera,” said Stuart, «and when I say what

I feel I`m labeled a controlling man. Talk about feeling cornered.»

«I don`t get it, Rebecca,” said Tony. «What`s the big deal here? Why are you

freaking out? Stuart`s just saying what you`ve said yourself. How many times have you

said you know how to flirt, that it comes naturally to you? I remember your saying that

you had an easy time in college and in your law firm because you manipulate men with

your sexuality.»

«You make me sound like a whore.» Rebecca swiveled suddenly to Philip.

«Doesn`t that make you think I`m a whore?»

Philip, not distracted from gazing at his favorite spot somewhere on the ceiling,

answered quickly, «Schopenhauer said that a highly attractive women, like a highly

intelligent man, was absolutely destined to living an isolated life. He pointed out that

others are blind with envy and resent the superior person. For that reason, such people

never have close friends of their same sex.»

«That`s not necessarily true,” said Bonnie. «I`m thinking of Pam, our missing

member, who is beautiful too and yet has a large number of close girlfriends.»

«Yeah, Philip,” said Tony, «you saying that, to be popular, you have to be dumb or

ugly?»

«Precisely,” said Philip, «and the wise person will not spend his life or her life

pursuing popularity. It is a will–o`-the–wisp. Popularity does not define what is true or

what is good; quite the contrary, it`s a leveler, a dumbing down. Far better to search

within for one`s values and goals.»

«And how aboutyour goals and values?» asked Tony.

If Philip noted the surliness in Tony`s question, he gave no evidence of it and

replied ingenuously, «Like Schopenhauer, I want to will as little as possible and to know

as much as possible.»

Tony nodded, obviously baffled about how to respond.

Rebecca broke in: «Philip, what you or Schopenhauer was saying about friends

was right on the mark for me—the truth is that I`ve had few close girlfriends. But what

about two people with similar interests and abilities? Don`t you think that friendship is

possible in that case?»

Before Philip could answer, Julius enjoined, «Our time is growing very short

today. I want to check in about how you all are feeling about our last fifteen minutes.

How are we doing here?»

«We`re not on target. We`re missing,” said Gill. «Something oblique is going on.»

«I`mabsorbed,” said Rebecca.

«Nah, too much in our heads,” said Tony.

«I agree,” said Stuart.

«Well, I`m not in my head,” said Bonnie. «I`m close to bursting, or screaming,

or...” Bonnie suddenly rose, gathered up her purse and jacket, and charged out of the

room. A moment later Gill jumped up and ran out of the room to fetch her back. In

awkward silence the group sat listening to the retreating footsteps. Shortly Gill returned,

and as he sat he reported, «She`s okay, said she`s sorry but she just had to get out to

decompress. She`ll go into it next week.»

«Whatis going on?» said Rebecca, snapping open her purse to get sunglasses and

car keys. «Ihate it when she does that. That`s really pissy.»

«Any hunches about what`s going on?» asked Julius.

«PMT, I think,” said Rebecca.

Tony spotted Philip scrunching his face signifying confusion and jumped in.

«PMT—premenstrual tension.» When Philip nodded, Tony clenched his hands and poked

both thumbs upward, «Hey, hey, I taughtyou something,”

«We`ve gotta stop,” said Julius, «but I`ve got a guess about what`s going on with

Bonnie. Go back to Stuart`s summary. Remember how Bonnie started the meeting—

talking about the chubby little girl at school and her unpopularity and her inability to

compete with other girls, especially attractive ones? Well, I wonder if that wasn`t

recreated in the group today? She opened the meeting, and pretty quickly the group left

her for Rebecca. In other words, the very issue she wanted to talk about may have been

portrayed here in living color with all of us playing a part in the pageant.»