Текст книги "The Schopenhauer Cure"

Автор книги: Наталия Май

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your desire to counsel that goes beyond a day job. After all, there`s no financial

incentive in offering your help to others here.»

«I try always to keep in mind that we are all sentenced to an existence filled

with inescapable misery—an existence which none of us would choose if we

knew the facts ahead of time. In that sense we are all, as Schopenhauer put

it,fellow sufferers, and we stand in need of tolerance and love from our neighbors

in life.»

«Schopenhauer again! Philip, I hear too damn much about Schopenhauer—

whoever he is—and too damn little about you.» Tony spoke calmly, as though

imitating Philip`s measured tone, yet his breathing was shallow and rapid.

Generally, confrontation came easily to Tony; at the time he began therapy

scarcely a week passed without a physical contretemps in a bar, in traffic, at work,

or on the basketball court. Though not a large man, he was fearless in

confrontation; except for one situation—a clash of ideas with an educated

articulate bully, someone exactly like Philip.

Philip gave no sign he intended to respond to Tony. Julius broke the

silence. «Tony, you seem deep in thought. What`s running through your mind?

«I was thinking about what Bonnie said earlier in the meeting about

missing Pam. Me, too. I been missing her today.»

Julius was not surprised. Tony had become accustomed to Pam`s tutelage

and protection. The two of them had had struck up an odd–couple relationship—

the English professor and the tattooed primitive. Using an oblique approach,

Julius said, «Tony, I imagine it`s not easy for you to say, ‘Schopenhauer, whoever

that is.`”

«Well, we`re here to tell the truth,” Tony responded.

«Right on, Tony,” said Gill, «and, I`ll fess up too: I don`t know who

Schopenhauer is.»

«All I know,” noted Stuart, «is that he`s a famous philosopher. German,

pessimistic. Was he nineteenth century?»

«Yes, he died in 1860, in Frankfurt,” said Philip, «and, as for pessimism, I

prefer to think of it asrealism. And, Tony, it may be true I speak of Schopenhauer

overly often, but I have good reason to do so.» Tony seemed shocked that Philip

had addressed him personally. Even so, Philip still made no eye contact. No

longer staring at the ceiling, he looked out the window, as if intrigued by

something in the garden.

Philip continued: «First, to know Schopenhauer is to know me. We are

inseparable, twin–brained. Secondly, he has been my therapist and has offered me

invaluable help. I have internalized him—of course I mean his ideas—as many of

you have done with Dr. Hertzfeld. Wait—I mean Julius.» Philip smiled faintly as

he glanced at Julius—his first moment of levity in the group. «Last, I harbor a

hope that some of Schopenhauer`s sentiments will be of benefit to you as they

have been to me.»

Julius, glancing at his watch, broke the silence that had followed Philip`s

remark. «It`s been a rich meeting, the kind of meeting I hate to bring to an end,

but time`s up today.»

«Rich? What am I missing?» muttered Tony, as he stood and started toward

the door.

20

Foreshad

owings

of

Pessimis

m

_________________________

Thecheerfulness and

buoyancy of our youth are

due partly to the fact

that we are climbing the

hill of life and do not

see death that lies at

the foot of the other

side.

_________________________

Early in their training therapists are taught to focus upon patients` responsibility

for their life dilemmas. Mature therapists never accept at face value their patients`

accounts of mistreatment by others. Instead, therapists understand that to some

extent individuals are cocreators of their social environment and that relationships

are always reciprocal. But what about the relationship between young Arthur

Schopenhauer and his parents? Surely its nature was primarily determined by

Johanna and Heinrich, Arthur`s creators and shapers; they were, after all, the

adults.

And yet Arthur`s contribution cannot be overlooked: there was something

primal, inbuilt, tenacious in Arthur`s temperament which, even as a child, elicited

certain responses from Johanna and from others. Arthur habitually failed to

inspire loving, generous, and joyful responses; instead almost everyone responded

to him critically and defensively.

Perhaps the template was set during Johanna`s tempestuous pregnancy. Or

perhaps genetic endowment played the major role in Arthur`s development. The

Schopenhauer lineage teemed with evidence of psychological disturbance. For

many years before he committed suicide, Arthur`s father was chronically

depressed, anxious, stubborn, distant, and unable to enjoy life. His father`s mother

was violent, unstable, and eventually required institutionalization. Of his father`s

three brothers, one was born severely retarded, and another, according to a

biographer, died at age thirty–four «half mad through excesses, in a corner with

wicked people.»

Arthur`s personality, set at an early age, endured with remarkable

consistency his entire life. The letters from his parents to the adolescent Arthur

contain many passages that indicate their growing concern about his disinterest in

social amenities: For example, his mother wrote, «...little though I care for stiff

etiquette, I like even less a rough, self–pleasing, nature and action.... You have

more than a slight inclination that way.» His father wrote, «I only wish you had

learned to make yourself agreeable to people.»

Young Arthur`s travel diary reveals the man he would become. There, the

teenaged Arthur demonstrates a precocious ability to distance himself and view

things from a cosmic perspective. In describing a portrait of a Dutch admiral he

says, «Next to the picture were the symbols of his life`s story: his sword, the

beaker, the chain of honor which he wore, and finally the bullet which made all

these useless to him.»

As a mature philosopher Schopenhauer took pride in his ability to assume

an objective perspective, or, as he put it, «viewing the world through the wrong

end of the telescope.» The appeal of viewing the world from above is already

found in his early comments about mountain climbing. At sixteen he wrote, «I

find that a panorama from a high mountain enormously contributes to the

broadening of concepts.... all small objects disappear and only what is big retains

its shape.»

There is a powerful foreshadowing here of the adult Schopenhauer. He

would continue to develop the cosmic perspective that allowed him as a mature

philosopher to experience the world as if from a great distance—not only

physically and conceptually but temporally. At an early age he intuitively

apprehended the perspective of Spinoza`s «sub species aeteritatis,” to see the

world and its events from the perspective of eternity. The human condition,

Arthur concluded, could be best understood not from beinga part of butapart from

it. As an adolescent he wrote presciently of his future lofty isolation.

Philosophy is a high mountain road...an isolated road and becomes even more

desolate the higher we ascend. Whoever pursues this path should show no fear

but must leave everything behind and confidently make his own way in the

wintry snow.... He soon sees the world beneath him; its sandy beaches and

morasses vanish from his view, its uneven spots are leveled out, its jarring

sounds no longer reach his ear. And its roundness is revealed to him. He

himself is always in the pure cool mountain air and beholds the sun when all

below is still engulfed in dead of night.

But there is more than a pull toward the heights motivating Schopenhauer;

there are pushes from below. Two other traits are also evident in the young

Arthur: a deep misanthropy coupled with a relentless pessimism. If there was

something about heights, distant vistas, and the cosmic perspective that lured

Arthur, then, too, there was much evidence that he was repelled by closeness to

others. One day after descending from the crystal–clear sunrise on a mountaintop

and reentering the human world in a chalet at the mountain base he reported: «We

entered a room of carousing servants.... It was unbearable: their animalistic

warmth gave off a glowing heat.»

Contemptuous, mocking observations of others fill his travel diaries. Of a

Protestant service he wrote: «The strident singing of the multitude made my ears

ache, and an individual with bleating mouth wide open repeatedly made me

laugh.» Of a Jewish service: «Two little boys standing next to me made me lose

my countenance because at the wide–mouthed roulade with their heads flung

back, they always seemed to be yelling at me.» A group of English aristocrats

«looked like peasant wenches in disguise.» The king of England «is a handsome

old man but the queen is ugly without any bearing.» The emperor and empress of

Austria «both wore exceedingly modest clothes. He is a gaunt man whose

markedly stupidly face would lead one to guess a tailor rather than an emperor.»

A school chum aware of Arthur`s misanthropic trend wrote Arthur in England: «I

am sorry that your stay in England has induced you to hate the entirenation. ”

This mocking, irreverent young lad would develop into the bitter, angry

man who habitually referred to all humans as «bipeds,” and would agree with

Thomas Г Kempis, «Every time I went out among men I came back less human.»

Did these traits impede Arthur`s goal to be the «clear eye of the world?»

The young Arthur foresaw the problem and wrote a memo to his older self: «Be

sure your objective judgments are not for the most part concealed subjective

ones.» Yet, as we shall see, despite his resolve, despite his self–discipline, Arthur

was often unable to heed his own youthful, excellent advice.

21

_________________________

Heis a happy man who can

once and for all avoid

having to do with a great

many of his fellow

creatures.

_________________________

At the onset of the following meeting, just as Bonnie was asking Julius whether

Pam was back from her trip, Pam opened the door, spread her arms, and loudly

called out, «Da Dumm!» Everyone, save Philip, stood and greeted her. In her

unique loving fashion she went around the circle, looked into each person`s eyes,

hugged them, kissed Rebecca and Bonnie, tousled Tony`s hair, and, when she got

to Julius, held him for a long while and whispered, «Thank you for being so

honest on the phone. I`m devastated, so so sorry, so worried about you.» Julius

looked at Pam. Her familiar, smiling face conveyed courage and radiant energy.

«Welcome back, Pam,” he said. «God, it`s good to see you here. We missed you. I

missed you.»

Then, when Pam`s glance fell on Philip, darkness descended. Her smile and

the cheery crinkles around her eyes vanished. Thinking she was jarred by the

presence of a stranger in the group, Julius quickly offered an introduction, «Pam,

this is our new member, Philip Slate.»

«Oh, it`s Slate?» said Pam, pointedly not looking at Philip. «Not Philip

Sleaze? Or Slimeball? She glanced at the door. «Julius, I don`t know if I can stay

in the room with this asshole!»

The stunned group members looked back and forth from the agitated Pam

to the entirely silent Philip. Julius stepped in. «Fill us in, Pam. Please sit.»

As Tony pulled another chair into the group, Pam said, «Not next to him.»

(The empty seat was next to Philip.) Rebecca immediately stood and guided Pam

to her seat.

After a brief silence, Tony said, «What`s going on, Pam?»

«God, I can`t believe this—is this some monstrous joke? This is the last

thing in the world I wanted. Never wanted to see this rodent again.»

«Whatis going on?» asked Stuart. «What aboutyou, Philip? Say something.

What`s going on?»

Philip remained silent and shook his head slightly. But his face, now

flushed, said volumes. Julius noted to himself that Philip had a functioning

autonomic nervous system after all.

«Try to talk, Pam,” urged Tony. «You`re among friends.»

«Of all the men I`ve ever known, this creature has treated me the worst.

And to come home to my therapy group and find him sitting here—it`s beyond

belief. I feel like bawling or screaming, but I won`t—not with him here.» Lapsing

into silence, Pam looked down, slowly shaking her head.

«Julius,” said Rebecca, «I`m getting tense. This is not good for me. Come

on, what`s going on?»

«Obviously, there`s been a former life between Pam and Philip, and, I

assure you, that comes as a total surprise to me.»

After a short silence, Pam looked at Julius and said, «I`ve been thinking so

much about this group. I`ve been so eager to come back here, been rehearsing

what I would tell you about my trip. But, Julius, I`m sorry, I don`t think I can do

this. I don`t want to stay.»

She stood and turned toward the door. Tony jumped up and took her hand.

«Pam, please. You can`t just leave. You`ve done so much for me. Here, I`ll

sit next to you. You want me to take him out?» Pam smiled faintly and let Tony

lead her back to her seat. Gill changed chairs to open the adjoining seat for Tony.

«I`m with Tony. I want to help,” said Julius. «We all do. But you`ve got to

let us help you, Pam. Obviously, there`s been history, bad history, between you

and Philip. Tell us, talk about it—otherwise our hands are tied.»

Pam nodded slowly, closed her eyes and opened her mouth, but no words

came. Then she stood and walked to the window, rested her forehead against the

pane, and waved off Tony, who had started toward her. She turned, took a couple

of deep breaths, and began speaking in a disembodied voice: «About fifteen years

ago, my girlfriend Molly and I wanted to have a New York experience. Molly had

lived next door to me since childhood and was my best friend. We had just

finished our freshman year at Amherst and enrolled together for summer classes

at Columbia. One of our two courses was on the pre–Socratic philosophers, and

guess who was the TA?»

«TA?» asked Tony.

«Teaching assistant,” interjected Philip softly but instantaneously, speaking

for the first time in the session. «The TA is a graduate student who assists the

professor by leading small discussion groups, reading papers, grading exams.»

Pam seemed staggered by Philip`s unexpected comment.

Tony answered her unspoken question: «Philip`s the official answer man

here. Put out a question and he answers it. Sorry, once you got started, I should

have kept my mouth shut. Go on. Can you join us here in the circle?»

Pam nodded, went back to her seat, closed her eyes again, and continued:

«So fifteen years ago I was at Columbia summer school with Molly, and this man,

this creature, sitting here was our TA. My friend Molly was in a bad place: she

had just broken up with her long–term boyfriend. And no sooner did the course

begin than this...this excuse for a man»—she nodded toward Philip—«starts

hitting on her. Remember that we were only eighteen, and he was the teacher—

oh, a real professor showed up for two formal lectures a week, but the TA was

really in charge of the course, including our grades. He was slick. And Molly was

vulnerable. She fell for him and for about a week was in a state of bliss. Then one

Saturday afternoon, he phones me and asks me to meet with him about an exam

essay I had written. He was smooth and ruthless. And I was just stupid enough to

be manipulated, and next thing I knew I was naked on the sofa in his office. I was

an eighteen–year old virgin. And he was into rough sex. And he did it again to me

a couple of days later, and then the pig dropped me, wouldn`t even look at me,

didn`t seem to recognize me, and, worst of all, offered no explanation for

dropping me. And I was too scared to ask—he had the power—he did the grading.

That was my introduction to the bright wonderful world of sex. I was devastated,

so enraged, so ashamed...and...worst of all, so guilty about betraying Molly. And

my view of myself as an attractive woman took a nosedive.»

«Oh, Pam,” said Bonnie shaking her head slowly. «No wonder you`re in

shock now.»

«Wait, wait. You haven`t heard the worst about this monster.» Pam was

revved up. Julius glanced around the room. Everyone was leaning forward,

fixated on Pam, except of course Philip, whose eyes were closed and who looked

as though he were in a trance.

«He and Molly were a couple for another two weeks and then he dropped

her, just told her he was no longer having fun with her and was going to move on.

That was it. Inhuman. Can you believe a teacher saying that to a young student?

He refused to say any more or even help her move the things she had left at his

flat. His parting gesture was to give her a list of the thirteen women he had

screwed that month, many of them in the class. My name was at the top of the

list.»

«He didn`t give her that list,” Philip said, eyes still closed. «She found it

when burglarizing his living space.»

«What sort of depraved creature would even write such a list?» Pam shot

back.

Again in a disembodied voice, Philip responded, «The male hardwiring

directs them to spread their seed. He was neither the first nor the last to take an

inventory of the fields he had plowed and planted.»

Pam turned her palms up to the group, shook her head, and muttered, «You

see,” as if to indicate the bizarreness of this particular life–form. Ignoring Philip,

she continued: «There was pain and destruction. Molly suffered tremendously,

and it was a long long time before she trusted another man. And shenever trusted

me again. That was the end of our friendship. Shenever forgave my betrayal. It

was a terrible loss for me and, I think, for her as well. We`ve tried to pick it up—

even now we e–mail occasionally, keeping each other informed of major life

events—but she`s never, ever, been willing to discuss that summer with me.»

After a long silence, perhaps the longest the group ever sat through, Julius

spoke: «Pam, how awful to have been broken like that at eighteen. The fact that

you never spoke of this to me or the group confirms the severity of the trauma.

And to have lost a lifelong friend in that way! That`s truly awful. But let me say

something else. It`sgood you stayed today. It`s good you talked about it. I know

you`re going to hate my saying this, but perhaps it`s not a bad thing for you that

Philip is here. Maybe there is some work, some healing that can be done. For both

of you.»

«You`re right, Julius—Ido hate your saying that, and, even more, I hate

having to look at this insect again. And here he is in my own cozy group. I feel

defiled.»

Julius`s head spun. Too many thoughts clamored for his attention. How

much could Philip bear? Evenhe had to have a breaking point. How much longer

before he would walk out of the room, never to return? And, as he imagined

Philip`s departure, he contemplated its consequences—on Philip but primarily on

Pam: she mattered far more to him. Pam was a great–souled lady, and he was

committed to helping her find a better future. Would she be well served by

Philip`s departure? Perhaps she`d have some measure of revenge—but what a

pyrrhic victory! If I could find a way, Julius thought, to help Pam reach

forgiveness for Philip, it would heal her—and perhaps Philip as well.

Julius almost flinched when the buzzwordforgiveness passed through his

mind. Of all the various recent movements swirling through the field of therapy,

the hullabaloo around «forgiveness» annoyed him the most. He, like every

experienced therapist, hadalways worked with patients who could not let things

go, who nurtured grudges, who could find no peace—and he hadalways used a

wide variety of methods to help his patients «forgive»—that is, detach from their

anger and resentment. In fact, every experienced therapist had an arsenal of

«letting–go» techniques they often used in therapy. But the simplistic and canny

«forgiveness» industry had magnified, elevated, and marketed this one single

aspect of therapy into the whole shebang and presented it as though it were

something entirely novel. And the ploy had garnered respectability by implicitly

melding with the current social and political forgiveness climate addressing a

range of such offenses as genocide, slavery, and colonial exploitation. Even the

Pope had recently begged forgiveness for the Crusaders` thirteenth–century

sacking of Constantinople.

And if Philip bolted, how wouldhe, as the group therapist, feel? Julius was

resolved not to abandon Philip, yet it was difficult to locate any compassion

toward him. Forty years before, as a young student, he had heard a lecture by

Erich Fromm citing Terence`s epigram written over two thousand years ago: «I

am human, and nothing human is alien to me.» Fromm had stressed that the good

therapist had to be willing to enter into his own darkness and identify with all of

the patient`s fantasies and impulses. Julius tried that on. So, Philip had made a list

of women he had laid? Hadn`t he done that himself when he was younger? Sure

he had. And so had many men with whom he`d discussed this matter.

And he reminded himself that he had a responsibility to Philip—and to

Philip`s future clients. He had invited Philip to become a patient and a student.

Like it or not, Philip was going to be seeing many clients in the future, and to

forsake him now was bad therapy, bad teaching, bad modeling—and immoral to

boot.

With these considerations in mind, Julius pondered what to say. He began

to formulate a statement beginning with his familiar,I have a real dilemma: on the

one hand...and on the other ...But this moment was too loaded for any stock

tactics. Finally, he said, «Philip, in your responses to Pam today you referred to

yourself in the third person: you didn`t say ‘I,` you said, ‘he.` You said, ‘Hedidn`t

give her that list.` I wonder, could you have been implying that you`re a different

person now from the man you were then?»

Philip opened his eyes and faced Julius. A rare locking of gazes. Was there

gratitude in that gaze?

«It`s been known for a long time,” Philip said, «that the cells of the body

age, die, and are replaced at regular intervals. Until a few years ago it was thought

that it was only the brain cells that persisted all of one`s life—and, of course, in

women, the ova. But research has now demonstrated that neural cells, too, die,

and new neurons are continuously being generated, including the cells forming

the architecture of my cerebral cortex, my mind. I think it can fairly be said that

not one cell in me now existed in the man bearing my name fifteen years ago.»

«So, Judge, it wasn`t me,” Tony snarled. «Honest. Ah ain`t guilty;

somebody else, some other brain cells, did the job before ah even got there.»

«Hey, that`s not fair, Tony,” said Rebecca. «All of us want to support Pam,

but there`s got to be a better way than ‘let`s get Philip.` What do you want him to

do?»

«Shit, for starters how about a simple ‘I`m sorry.`” Tony turned to Philip.

«How hard would that be? Would it break your cheeks to say that?»

«I got something to say to both of you,” said Stuart. «You first, Philip. I

keep current on the latest in brain research, and I want to say your facts about cell

regeneration are off. There is some recent research showing that bone marrow

stem cells transplanted in another individual can end up as neurons in some select

areas of the brain, for example, the hippocampus and the Purkinje cells of the

cerebellum, but there isno evidence of new neurons forming in the cerebral

cortex.»

«I stand corrected,” said Philip. «I`d appreciate some literature references,

please. Could you e–mail them?» Philip drew a card out of his wallet and handed

it to Stuart, who pocketed the card without examining it.

«And, Tony,” Stuart continued, «you know I`m not against you. I enjoy

your no–bullshit directness and irreverence, but I agree with Rebecca: I think

you`re being too rough—and a little unreal. When I first joined the group you

were doing weekend jail equivalent time on the highway cleanup patrols for a

sexual assault charge.»

«No, it was battery. The sexual assault charge was bullshit, and Lizzy

dropped it. And the battery charge was phony, too. But your point?»

«My point was that I never heardyou talk about being sorry, and no one

here got on your case. In fact I saw the opposite—I saw lots of support. Hell,

more than support; all the women, even you,” Stuart turned to Pam, «got turned

on by your...your what? Your lawlessness! I remember Pam and Bonnie dropping

off sandwiches for you once when you were doing trash pickup duty on Highway

101. I remember Gill and me talking about not being able to compete with

your...your...what was it?»

«Jungle nature,” said Gill.

«Yeah.» Tony smirked. «Jungle creature. Primitive man. That was pretty

cool.»

«So, how about giving Philip a break. Jungle man is okay for you but not

for him. Let`s hear his side of it. I feel awful about what Pam went through, but

let`s slow down, not rush to lynch. Fifteen years ago—that`s a long time.»

«Well,” said Tony, «I`m not into fifteen years ago; I`m into now.» Tony

turned to Philip. «Like last week when you...Philip—damn, it`s hard to talk when

you won`t make eye contact. Drives me fucking crazy! You claimed that it made

no difference to you that Rebecca was interested in you—that she was

uh...flirting...I can`t remember that goddamned word.»

«Preening!» said Bonnie.

Rebecca clutched her head in both hands. «I can`t believe this; I cannot

believe we`restill talking about this. Isn`t there a statute of limitations to the

ghastly grisly crime of taking my hair down? How long is this going to go on?»

«As long as it takes,” responded Tony, who turned back to Philip. «But

what about my question, Philip? You put yourself forward as a monk, as someone

beyond all this, too pure to be interested in women, even very attractive

women...”

«Do you see now,” Philip addressed Julius, not Tony, «why I was reluctant

to enter the group?»

«You anticipated this?»

«It is a true and tested equation,” replied Philip, «that the less I have to do

with people, the happier I am. When I tried livingin life, I was drawn into

agitation. To stay out of life, to want nothing and to expect nothing, to keep

myself engaged in elevated contemplative pursuits—that is the path, my only

path, to peace.»

«Well and good, Philip,” responded Julius, «but,if you`re going to be in a

group or lead groups or try to help clients work on their relationships with others,

you absolutely cannot avoid entering into relationships with them.»

Julius noted Pam slowly shaking her head in bewilderment. «What`s

happening here? This is crazy–making. Philip here? Rebecca flirting with him?

Philip leading groups, seeing clients? What`s going on?»

«Fair enough; let`s fill Pam in,” said Julius.

«Stuart, that`s your cue,” said Bonnie.

«I`ll give it a crack,” said Stuart. «Well, in the two months you were away,

Pam—”

Julius interrupted. «This time, why don`t you just get us started, Stuart. It`s

unfair for us to ask you to do all the work.»

«Right. But, you know, it`s not work—I like to give overviews.» Seeing

Julius about to interrupt, he quickly said, «Okay, I`ll just say one thing and stop.

When you left, Pam, it was a downer to me. I felt we had failed you, that we were

not good enough or resourceful enough to help you with your crisis. I didn`t like

that you had to turn elsewhere—to India—for help. Next.»

Bonnie quickly said, «The giant issue here was Julius`s announcement

about his illness. You know all about this, Pam?»

«Yeah.» Pam nodded gravely. «Julius told me when I phoned last weekend

to tell him I was back.»

«Actually,” Gill said, «I want to amend that—no offense, Bonnie—but

Julius didn`t tell us. What happened was that we went out for coffee after Philip`s

first meeting, andhe told us since Julius had told him in an individual meeting.

Julius was pretty pissed at Philip`s preempting him. Next.»

«Philip`s been here about five sessions. He`s in training to be a therapist,”

said Rebecca, «and, as I understand it, Julius was his therapist many years ago.»

Tony said, «We`ve been talking about Julius`s...uh...condition and uh...”

«You meancancer . That`s a shocking word, I know,” said Julius, «but it`s

best to look it in the face and say it.»

«About Julius`scancer. You`re one tough old bird, Julius—I gotta hand it to

you.» Tony went on, «So we talked about Julius`s cancer and how hard it was to

talk about other things that were small in comparison.»

Everyone had spoken but Philip, who now said, «Julius, it would be okay if

you were to tell the group about why I first came to see you.»

«I`ll help, Philip, but it would be better, when you`re ready, to describe that

yourself.»

Philip nodded.

When it became clear that Philip was not going to continue, Stuart said,

«Okay, back to me—a second round?»

Looking around at nodding heads, Stuart continued, «In one meeting

Bonnie had some reactions to Rebecca`s coming on to Philip.» Stuart stopped,

looked at Rebecca, and inserted, «Rebecca`sallegedly coming on to him. Bonnie

did some work on her feelings about her self–image, her sense of being

unattractive.»

«And clumsiness and inability to compete with women like you, Pam, and

Rebecca,” said Bonnie.

Rebecca said, «While you were away Philip made a lot of constructive

comments.»

«But revealed nothing about himself,” said Tony.

«One last thing: Gill had a serious confrontation with his wife—even

considered walking out,” said Stuart.

«Don`t give me too much credit—I waffled. That resolve lasted about four

hours,” said Gill.

«A good review,” said Julius, looking at his watch. «Before we quit, let me

ask you, Pam, how are you handling this—you feel more on board?»

«Still unreal. I`m trying to hang in, but I`m glad to stop. This is all I can

deal with today,” said Pam, gathering up her things.

«I`ve got to say something,” said Bonnie. «I`m frightened. You all know I

love this group, and I feel it`s ready to detonate and blow apart. Will we all be

back? You, Pam? You, Philip? You guys coming back?»

«A straight question,” Philip quickly responded. «I`ll respond in kind.

Julius invited me come to the group for six months, and I agreed. I also have his

commitment for supervisory credit. I plan to pay my bill and honor my contract.