Текст книги "The Schopenhauer Cure"
Автор книги: Наталия Май
Жанр:
Психология
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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 26 страниц)
days plus the time, and effort, to travel halfway around the world. What might
have happened if Julius and the group had worked on her that many hours?
Pam`s growing cynicism interfered with meditation. The sweeping stopped.
Where had it gone—that delicious, mellifluous, buzzing contentment? Each new
day her meditative practice regressed. The Vipassana meditation progressed no
farther than her scalp. Those tiny itches, previously so fleeting, persisted and grew
more robust—itches evolved into pinpricks, then into a sustained burning that
could not be meditated away.
Even the early work inanapana–sati was undone. The dike of calmness
built by breath meditation crumbled, and the surf of unruly thoughts, of her
husband, John, or revenge and airplane crashes, came breaking through. Well, let
them come. She saw Earl for what he was—an aging child, his large lips pursed
and lunging for any nipple within range. And John—poor, effete, pusillanimous
John, still unwilling to grasp that there can be no yes without a no. And Vijay,
too, who chose to sacrifice life, novelty, adventure, friendship upon the altar of
the great God, Equanimity. Use the right word for the whole bunch, Pam
thought.Cowards. Moral cowards. None of them deserved her. Flush them away.
Nowthere was a powerful image: all the men, John, Earl, Vijay, standing in a
giant toilet bowl, their hands raised imploringly, their squeals for help barely
audible over the roar of the flushing water!That was an image worth meditating
upon.
19
_________________________
The flower replied: You
fool! Do you imagine I
blossom in order to be
seen? I blossom for my
own sake because it
pleases me, and not for
the sake of others. My
joy consists in my being
and my blossoming.
_________________________
Bonnie opened the next meeting with an apology. «Sorry to one and all about my
exit last week. I shouldn`t have done that but...I don`t know...it was out of my
control.»
«The devil made you do it.» Tony smirked.
«Funny. Funny, Tony. Okay, I know what you want.I chose to do it
because I was pissed. That better?»
Tony smiled and gave her the thumbs–up signal.
In the gentle voice he always used when addressing any of the women in
the group, Gill said to Bonnie, «Last week after you left, Julius suggested you
might have felt pissed at being ignored here—that basically the group replayed
your description of what routinely happened to you in your childhood.»
«Pretty accurate. Except I wasn`t pissed.Hurt is a better term.»
«I know pissed,” said Rebecca, «and you were good вЂn` pissed at me.»
Bonnie`s face clouded over as she turned to Rebecca. «Last week you said
that Philip had clarified the reason you don`t have girlfriends. But I don`t buy
that. Envy of your good looks isnot the reason you don`t have girlfriends or at
least why you and I haven`t become close; the real reason is that you`re basically
not interested in women—or at least you`re not interested in me. Whenever you
say something to me in the group, it is always to bring the discussion back to
you.»
«I give you feedback about the way you handle—or, mostly,don`t handle—
anger, and then I get accused of being self–centered.» Rebecca bristled. «Do you
or don`t you want feedback? Isn`t that what this group is about?»
«What I want is for you to give me feedback aboutme. Or about me and
someone else. It`s always about you, Rebecca—or you and me—and you`re so
attractive it always swings things back to you and away from me. I can`t compete
with you. But it`s not only your fault; the others play into this, and I need to ask
all of you a question.»
Bonnie swiveled her head looking briefly at each member in turn as she
said, «I never really get your interest—why not?»
The men in the room looked down. Bonnie didn`t wait for an answer but
continued: «And another thing, Rebecca, what I`m saying to you about girlfriends
is not news to you. I can remember clear as a bell you and Pam having an
identical go–around about this.»
Bonnie turned to Julius. «Speaking of Pam, I`ve been meaning to ask you,
«Any news of her? When is she coming back? I miss her.»
«That was fast!» Julius said, «Bonnie, you are the master of the whirlwind
segue! But for the moment I`m going to let you get away with it and answer your
question about Pam, mainly because I was going to announce that she e–mailed
me from Bombay. She`s finished her meditation retreat and will be returning soon
to the States. She should be here for the next meeting.»
Turning to Philip, Julius said, «You remember I mentioned Pam, our
missing member, to you?»
Philip replied with a brief nod.
«And,you, Philip, are the master of the fast nod,” said Tony. «It`s amazing
how much you stay in the middle of things without ever looking at anyone and
without saying very much. Look at all this stuff going on around you. Bonnie and
Rebecca squabbling over you. What are you feeling about all this? What are you
feeling about the group?»
When Philip did not immediately reply, Tony appeared uncomfortable. He
looked around the group: «Shit, whatis this? I feel like I`m breaking some kind of
rule here, like farting in church. I`m just asking him the same kind of question
everyone asks everyone else.»
Philip broke the short silence. «Fair enough. I require time to collect my
thoughts. Here`s what I was thinking. Bonnie and Rebecca have similar
afflictions. Bonnie cannot tolerate being unpopular, whereas Rebecca cannot
tolerate beingno longer popular. Both are hostages to the caprice of what others
think. In other words, happiness, for both of them, lies in the hands and heads
ofothers. And for both the solution is the same:the more one has in oneself, the
less one will want from others. ”
In the silence that followed one could almost hear sounds of cerebral
mastication as the group attempted to digest Philip`s words.
«It doesn`t appear that any of you are about to respond to Philip,” said
Julius, «so I want to address an error I think I made a couple of minutes ago.
Bonnie, I shouldn`t have gone along with your segue to Pam. I don`t want a
repeat of last week when your needs were not dealt with. A few minutes ago you
were talking about why the group often overlooked you, and I thought you took a
courageous step by asking everyone why you could not get their interest. But look
what happened then: in the very next breath you switched to Pam`s return to the
group, and, presto, in a couple of minutes, your question to us faded into history.»
«I noticed that, too,” said Stuart. «So, Bonnie, it`s like you arrange for us to
ignore you.»
«That`s good feedback.» Bonnie nodded her head. «Very good. I probably
do that a lot. I`ll do some thinking about that.»
Julius pressed on, «I appreciate the thanks, Bonnie, but I can`t help feeling
you`re doing the same thing now. Aren`t you saying, in effect, вЂthat`s enough
focus on me.` I should have a Bonnie bell here and ring it every time you switch
away from yourself.»
«So what do I do?» Bonnie asked.
«Give us the reason you had no right to request feedback from us,” Julius
suggested.
«I guess I just don`t feel important enough.»
«But is it okay for others here to make this kind of request?»
«Oh, yes.»
«That means that others here are more important than you?»
Bonnie nodded.
«So, Bonnie, try this,” Julius continued, «look around at each of the
members here and answer this question:Who in this group is more important than
you? And why. ” Julius could hear himself purring. He was coasting in familiar
waters. For the first time in a while, certainly since Philip had entered the group,
he knew exactly what he was doing. He had done what the good group therapist
should do: he had translated one of his patient`s central issues into the here–and–now, where it could be explored firsthand. It was always more productive to focus
on the here–and–now than to work on the patient`s reconstructions of an event
from the past or from current outside life.
Swiveling her head to glance briefly at each person in the group, Bonnie
said, «Everyonehere is more important than I am—a lot more important.» Her face
was flushed, her breathing rapid. As much as she craved attention from others, it
was obvious that she now wanted nothing more than invisibility.
«Be specific, Bonnie,” Julius urged. «Whois more important.Why? ”
Bonnie looked around, «Everybody here. You, Julius—look how you`ve
helped everyone. Rebecca is drop–dead gorgeous, a successful lawyer, great kids.
Gill is the CFO of a large hospital—as well as being a hunk. Stuart—well, he`s a
busy doctor, helps children, helps parents; he has success written all over him.
Tony...” Bonnie paused for a moment.
«Welllll? This`ll be interesting.» Tony, dressed as always in blue jeans, a
black T–shirt, and sneakers splattered with paint stains, leaned back in his chair.
«First of all, Tony, you`re you—no posturing, no games, just pure honesty.
And you bad–mouth your profession, but I know you`re no ordinary carpenter;
you`re probably an artist at your work—I see that BMW roadster you scoot
around in. And you`re a hunk, too, I love you in a tight T–shirt. How`s that for
risk?» Bonnie looked around the group circle. «And, who else? Philip—you`ve
got intelligence to burn, you know everything—a teacher, you`re going to be a
therapist, your words fascinate everyone. And Pam? Pam is awesome, a university
professor, a free spirit; she compels attention; she`s been everywhere, knows
everyone, has read everything, stands up to anyone.»
«Reactions, anyone, to Bonnie`s explanation of why she`s less important
than each of you?» Julius`s eyes circled the group.
«Her answer doesn`t make sense to me,” said Gill.
«Can you tell her?» said Julius.
«Sorry, what I mean is—and I don`t want to offend—but Bonnie, your
answer sounds regressive...”
«Regressive?» Bonnie screwed her face up in puzzlement.
«Well, what this group is about is that we`re all just human beings trying to
relate in a human way to one another, and that we check our roles, our degrees,
our money, and our BMW roadsters at the door.»
«Amen,” said Julius.
«Amen,” chimed in Tony, who added, «I`m with Gill, and, just for the
record, I bought that roadster used and it`s put me in hock for the next three
years.»
«And Bonnie,” Gill continued, «in your go–round what you did was focus
exactly on those external things—professions, money, successful kids. None of
those relate to why you are the least important person in this room. I consider you
very important. You`re a key member; you`re engaged with all of us; you`re
warm, giving; you even offered me a place to sleep a couple of weeks ago when I
didn`t want to go home. You keep the group focused; you work hard here.»
Bonnie held her ground. «I`m a drag; my whole life has been about shame
for my alcoholic parents, always lying about my family. Inviting you home, Gill,
was a big event for me—I could never invite kids home, full of fear that my father
would show up drunk. What`s more, my ex–husband was a drunk, my daughter`s
a heroine addict...”
«You`re still evading the point, Bonnie,” said Julius. «You talk of your
past, your daughter, your ex, your family...butyou, where areyou ?»
«Iam these things, a composite of all these things; what else can I be? I`m a
boring pudgy librarian, what I do is to catalog books...I...I don`t know what you
mean. I`m confused, I don`t know where or who I am.» Bonnie began to cry,
pulled out a tissue, blew her nose loudly, closed her eyes, raised both hands and
drew circles in the air, and, between the sobs, muttered, «This is enough for me;
it`s all I can take today.»
Julius shifted into another gear and addressed the entire group. «Let`s take a
look at what`s happened the past several minutes. Who`s got some feelings or
observations?» Having succeeded in moving the group into the here–and–now, he
advanced to the next step. In his view the work in therapy consisted of two
phases: first interaction, often emotional, and second, understanding that
interaction. That`s the way therapy should proceed—an alternating sequence of
evocation of emotions and then understanding. So he now attempted to switch the
group into the second phase by saying, «Let`s back up and take a dispassionate
look at what`s just transpired.»
Stuart was about to describe the sequence of events when Rebecca jumped
in: «I think the important thing was Bonnie giving her reasons for feeling
unimportant and then assuming we would all agree. That`s when she became
confused and cried and said she had had enough—I`ve seen her do that before.»
Tony said, «Yeah, I agree. Bonnie, you do get emotional when you get a lot
of attention. Are you embarrassed by the spotlight?»
Still sobbing, Bonnie said, «I should have been appreciative, but look what
a mess I made of it. And look at how much better others would`ve used this time.»
«The other day,” Julius said, «I had a conversation with a colleague about
one of his patients. He said she had a habit of catching spears thrown at her and
then stabbing herself with them. Maybe I`m being a little loose here, Bonnie, but
that popped in mind when I saw how you take things and punish yourself with
them.»
«I know you`re all feeling impatient with me. I guess I still don`t know how
to use the group.»
«Well, you know what I`m going to say, Bonnie. Exactlywho here was
impatient? Look around the room.» The group could absolutely count on Julius
asking this question. He had never been known to let such a statement go by
without honing in on it and asking for names.
«Well, I think Rebecca wanted me to stop.»
«Whhhattt? Why I...”
«Hold up a minute, Rebecca,” Julius was being unusually directive today.
«Bonnie, what exactly did you see? What cues did you pick up?»
«About Rebecca? Well, she was silent. Didn`t speak a word.»
«I can`t win. I was doing my best to be quiet so you couldn`t accuse me of
taking attention from you. Can`t you recognize a gift?»
Bonnie was about to respond when Julius asked her to continue with her
descriptions of who was bored.
«Well, nothing I can spell out concretely. But you can just tell when people
are bored. I bore myself. Philip wasn`t looking at me, but then he never looks at
anyone. I know the group was waiting to hear from Philip. What he said about
popularity was far more interesting to the group than my whining.»
«Well, I wasn`t bored with you,” replied Tony, «and I didn`t see anyone
else bored either. And what Philip had to say wasnot more interesting; he stays so
much in his head that I don`t get real excited by his comments. I don`t even
remember them.»
«I do,” said Stuart. «Tony, after you commented about how he was always
in the center of things despite saying so little, he said that Bonnie and Rebecca
had a very similar problem. They`re overinvested in the opinions of others:
Rebecca gets too inflated and Bonnie too deflated—it was something like that.»
«You`re being a clicker again,” said Tony, pantomiming holding a camera
and taking pictures.
«Right. Keep me honest. I know, I know—less observations, more feelings.
Well, I agree that Philip is somehow central without having to say much. And it
does feel like breaking the rules to confront Philip about anything.»
«That`s an observation and an opinion, Stuart,” said Julius. «Can you go to
the feelings?»
«Well, I guess I have some envy about Rebecca`s interest in Philip. I felt
that it was odd no one asked Philip how he felt about that—well, that`s not quite a
feeling, is it?»
«Closer,” said Julius. «First cousin to a feeling. Keep going.»
«I feel threatened by Philip. He`s too smart. Also I feel ignored by him.
And don`t like being ignored.»
«Bingo, Stuart, now you`re honing in,” said Julius. «Any questions for
Philip?» Julius labored to keep his tone soft and delicate. His job was to help the
group include, not to threaten and exclude Philip by insisting he perform in a
manner not yet possible. It was for that reason he called upon Stuart rather than
the more confrontative Tony.
«Sure, but it`s hard to ask Philip questions.»
«He`s right here, Stuart.» Another fundamental Julius rule: never allow
members to speak of one another in the third person.
«Well, that`s the issue. It`s hard to talk to him...” Stuart turned to Philip, «I
mean, Philip, it`s hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Like right
now. Why is that?»
«I prefer to keep my own counsel,” said Philip, still gazing toward the
ceiling.
Julius was poised to leap into the discussion if needed, but Stuart stayed
patient.
«I don`t follow.»
«If you ask something of me, I want to search within myself, free of any
distractions, in order to give you my best possible answer.»
«But your not looking at me makes me feel we`re not in contact.»
«But my words must tell you otherwise.»
«How about walking and chewing gum?» interjected Tony.
«Pardon?» Philip, puzzled, turned his head but not his eyes toward Tony.
«Like, how about doing both at the same time—looking at himand giving a
good answer?»
«I prefer to search my own mind. Meeting the gaze of the other distracts me
from searching for the answer the other might wish to hear.»
Silence prevailed while Tony and the others mulled Philip`s response.
Stuart then posed another question: «Well, let me ask you, Philip, all that
discussion about Rebecca`s preening for you—how did that make you feel?»
«You know,” Rebecca`s eyes showed fire, «I amreally beginning to resent
this, Stuart...it`s as though Bonnie`s fantasy has now passed into the books as
gospel.»
Stuart refused to be diverted. «Okay, okay. Delete that question. Philip, I`ll
ask you this: how did you feel about all the discussion about you the last
meeting?»
«The discussion was of great interest, and I am unflaggingly attentive.»
Philip looked at Stuart and continued, «But I have no emotional responses if that`s
your inquiry.»
«None? That doesn`t seem possible,” replied Stuart.
«Before beginning the group I read Julius`s book on group therapy and was
well prepared for the events of these meetings. I expected certain things to
happen: that I would be an object of curiosity, that some would welcome me and
some not, that the established hierarchy of power would be unsettled by my
entrance, that the women might look favorably upon me and the men unfavorably,
that the more central members might resent my appearance while the less
influential ones might be protective of me. Anticipating these things has resulted
in my viewing the events in the group dispassionately.»
Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip`s response and lapsed
into silence as he digested Philip`s words.
Julius said, «I`ve a bit of a dilemma...” He waited a moment. «On the one
hand,” he continued, «I feel it`s important to follow up this discussion with Philip,
but I`m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look
distressed, and I know you`ve been trying to get in.»
«I`m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by
Stuart.»
«Keep going.»
«There`s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self–centered,
not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I
resent it.»
«I know what that`s like,” said Julius. «I have those same knee–jerk
reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I`ve learned to do. The real trick is
to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it`s accurate. The
way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own
experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true?
I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about
other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on
one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?»
«That`s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.» Rebecca clasped her hand to
her sternum. «Right here.»
«Give that tightness a voice. What`s it saying?»
«It`s saying, вЂHow will I look?` It`s shame. It`s being found out. This
business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes
me want to say, вЂIt`s none of your fucking business—it`s my hair—I`ll do what I
want with it.`”
In his most teacherly voice Julius responded, «Years ago there was a
therapist named Fritz Perls who started a school called gestalt therapy. You don`t
hear much about him nowadays, but, anyway, he did a lot of focusing on the
body—you know, вЂLook what your left hand is doing right now,` or вЂI see you
stroking your beard a lot.` He`d ask patients to exaggerate the movement: вЂKeep
making a tighter fist with your left hand,` or вЂKeep stroking that beard more and
more vigorously and stay aware of what gets evoked.`
«I always felt there was a lot to Perls`s approach because so much of our
unconscious is expressed through body movements that lie out of our own
awareness. But I`ve never made much use of it in therapy. The reason? Exactly
because of what`s happening now, Rebecca. We often get defensive when others
spot us doing things of which we are unaware. So I understand how
uncomfortable you feel, but even so, can you stay with it and try to learn if there`s
something of value in the feedback?»
«In other words, you`re saying вЂbe mature.` I`ll try.» Rebecca sat up
straight, took a breath, and with a determined demeanor began, «First, itis true
that I like attention and that I first came to therapy upset about my aging and
about no longer being stared at by men. So I may have been preening for Philip
but not consciously.» She turned back to the group. «So, mea culpa. I like to be
admired, I like to be loved and adored, I like love.»
«Plato,” Philip interjected, «observed that love is in the one who loves, not
in the one who is loved.»
«Love is in the one who loves not in the one who is loved—That`s a great
quote, Philip,” Rebecca said, flashing a smile. «You see, that`s what I like about
you. Comments just like that. They open my eyes. I find you interesting.
Attractive too.»
Rebecca turned to the group. «Does that mean I want to have an affair with
him? Nope! The last affair I had just about did my marriage in, and I`m not
shopping for trouble.»
«So Philip,” said Tony, «you have feelings about what Rebecca just said?»
«I said before that my goal in life is to will as little as possible and to know
as much as possible. Love, passion, seduction—these are powerful sentiments,
part of our hardwiring to perpetuate our species and, as Rebecca has just made
clear, they may operate unconsciously. But, all in all, these activities serve to
derail reason and interfere with my scholarly pursuits, and I want nothing to do
with them.»
«Every time I ask you something, you give me an answer that`s hard to
argue with. But you never answer my question,” said Tony.
«I think he answered it,” said Rebecca. «He made it clear that he does not
want any emotional involvement, that he wants to stay free and clearheaded. I
think Julius has made the same point—that`s why there`s a taboo against romantic
involvement in the group.»
«What taboo?» Tony addressed Julius. «I never heard that rule said out
loud.»
«I`ve never put it just like that. The only ground rule you heard from me
about relationships outside of the meetings is that there be no secrets and that if
there are any encounters whatsoever outside the group sessions, the members
involved must bring it up in the group. If not, if you keep secrets, it almost always
gums up the work of the group and sabotages your own therapy. That`s my only
rule about outside encounters. But, Rebecca, let`s not lose the thread of what`s
going on between you and Bonnie. Check into your feelings about her.»
«She`s raised some heavy stuff. Is it true I don`t relate to women? I want to
say no. There`s my sister—I`m close to her, sort of—and a couple of other
women attorneys in my office, but, Bonnie, you`re probably putting your finger
on something—there`s definitely more charge, more excitement for me in relating
to men.»
«I`m flashing on college,” said Bonnie, «and how I didn`t have many dates
and how dismissed I felt when some girlfriend thought nothing of canceling out
on me, at the last minute, if she got an invitation from a guy.»
«Yeah, I probably would have done that,” said Rebecca. «You`re right—
men and dating, that was what it was all about. It made some sense then; now it
doesn`t.»
Tony had been continuing to study Philip and approached him again.
«Philip, you know, you`re like Rebecca in some ways. You preen, too, but you do
it with snappy, deep–sounding slogans.»
«I believe your point, «said Philip with eyes closed in deep concentration,
«is that my motivation in voicing observations is not what it seems to be: that it is
instead self–serving, a form of preening in which, if I understand you, I attempt to
evoke Rebecca`s and others` interest and admiration. Is that correct?»
Julius felt on edge. No matter what he did, the focus kept going back to
Philip. At least three conflicting desires fought for his attention: first, to protect
Philip against too much confrontation, second, to prevent Philip`s impersonality
from derailing the intimate discourse, and, third, to cheer Tony on in his efforts to
knock Philip on his ass. But, all in all, he decided to stay on the sidelines for the
time being because the group was handling the situation. In fact, something
important had just happened: for the first time Philip was responding directly,
even personally, to someone.
Tony nodded. «That`s about what I meant, except that it may be more than
just interest or admiration. Try seduction.»
«Yes, that`s a good correction. It`s implied in your wordpreening and thus
you suggest that my motivation parallels Rebecca`s, that is, I wish to seduce her.
Well, that`s a substantial and reasonable hypothesis. Let`s see how to test it.»
Silence. No one responded, but Philip did not appear to be waiting for a
response. After a moment of reflection with his eyes closed he pronounced,
«Perhaps it is best to follow Dr. Hertzfeld`s procedure...”
«Call me Julius.»
«Ah, yes. So, to follow Julius`s procedure, I must first check whether
Tony`s hypothesis is consonant with my inner experience.» Philip paused, shook
his head. «I find no evidence for this. Many years ago I tore myself free from
attachment to public opinion. I firmly believe that the happiest of men are those
who seek for nothing so much as solitude. I speak of the divine Schopenhauer, of
Nietzsche and Kant. Their point, and my point, is that the man of inner wealth
wants nothing from the outside except the negative gift of undisturbed leisure
which permits him to enjoy his wealth—that is, his intellectual faculties.
«In short, then, I conclude that my contributions do not stem from an
attempt to seduce anyone or elevate myself in your eyes. Perhaps there are tatters
of this desire left; I can only say I do not consciously experience it. I do recognize
regret that I myself have only mastered the great thoughts, not contributed to
them.»
In his decades of leading therapy groups Julius had experienced many
silences, but the silence that followed Philip`s response was unlike any other. It
was not the silence accompanying great emotion nor the silence signifying
dependency, embarrassment, or bafflement. No, this silence was different, as
though the group had stumbled upon a new species, a new life–form, perhaps a
six–eyed salamander with feathered wings, and, with utmost caution and
deliberateness, slowly circled it.
Rebecca was the first to respond, «To be so content, to need so little from
others, never to crave the company of others—sounds pretty lonely, Philip.»
«On the contrary,” said Philip, «in the past, when I craved the company of
others, asked for something which they would not, indeed could not, give—
thatwas when I knew loneliness. I knew it very well. To need no person is never
to be lonely. Blessed isolation is what I seek.»
«Yet you`re here,” said Stuart, «and take it from me—this group is the
archenemy of isolation. Why expose yourself to this?»
«Every thinker must support his habit. Either they were fortunate enough to
have had a university stipend like Kant or Hegel or independent means like
Schopenhauer or a day job like Spinoza, who ground lenses for spectacles to
support himself. I have chosen philosophical counseling as my day job, and this
group experience is part of my certification experience.»
«That means, then,” said Stuart, «that you are engaging with us in this
group, but your ultimate goal is to help others never to need such engagement.»
Philip paused and then nodded.
«Let me be sure I got you right,” said Tony. «If Rebecca digs you, comes
on to you, turns on her charm, gives you her amazing killer smile, you`re saying it
has no effect on you? Zero?»
«No, I didn`t say вЂno effect.` I agree with Schopenhauer when he wrote that
beauty is an open letter of recommendation predisposing the heart to favor the
person who presents it. I find that an individual of great beauty is wondrous to
behold. But I`m also saying that someone else`s opinion of me does not, must not,
alter my opinion of myself.»
«Sounds mechanical. Not quite human,” replied Tony.
«What truly felt inhuman was the time when I allowed my estimation of my
value to bob up and down like a cork according to the regard flowing from
inconsequential others.»
Julius stared at Philip`s lips. What a marvel they were. How exactly they
mirrored Philip`s calm composure, how steadfast, how unquavering, as they
shaped each passing word into the same perfect roundness of pitch and tone. And
it was easy to empathize with Tony`s escalating desire to ruffle Philip. But
knowing Tony`s impulsivity might quickly escalate, Julius decided it was time to
steer the discussion into a more benign direction. It was not time to confront
Philip; this was only his fourth meeting.
«Philip, earlier in your comments to Bonnie you said that your aim was to
be helpful to her. And you`ve also given counsel to others here—Gill, Rebecca.
Can you say more about why you do that? It seems to me there is something in
