Текст книги "From Ashes"

Автор книги: Molly McAdams

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

Chapter Seven

C ASSIDY

“QUAD ICED VENTI mocha for Natalie,” I called out, and looked at my watch face on the inside of my wrist; only five minutes left. I could do this. I set out making the last few orders of drinks and walked over to the supervisor taking over for me. “Do you need me to do anything before I head out?”

She glanced at me and gave me a bright smile. “No, Cass, see you Monday.”

I was shaking so much it took me three tries to get my code in so I could clock out. It had been almost three weeks since I’d seen Gage and I knew he was coming home either today or tomorrow since classes were starting back up on Monday. I was a wreck, to say the least. Ever since Gage told us to get out and then walked away from me, I hadn’t spoken a single word to him, and my heart broke a little more with each passing day. I had no idea what happened or why he was so mad all of a sudden that morning. Tyler had been just as confused as I was. All I knew was Gage and I had gone right back to our normal back-and-forth routine of flirting then avoiding each other, only this time it was worse since I couldn’t see him. Tyler and everyone at work was worried about me, but I knew I just had to make it until Gage was back, then we could talk about everything face-to-face and try to fix whatever had gone wrong this time.

I walked home, my heart racing the entire time as I went through different conversations and scenarios for when he showed up. Most of them ended with me in his arms, his mouth on mine, and by the time I got home, I’d convinced myself this was all going to work out. Shutting the door behind me, I saw a grim-faced Tyler standing in the living room, arms crossed over his chest.

“You okay, Ty?”

He took a deep breath in and out before answering. “He’s gone, Cassi.”

“Who’s gone?”

“Gage. He showed up right after I got home from dropping you off this morning, moved all his stuff out.”

My heart painfully skipped two beats before I took off for his room. A sob stuck in my throat when I saw his bed still there, but bare, and nothing was in his closet, in his drawers, or haphazardly thrown around the room. He had made sure to do all this while I was at work; he left and didn’t even say good-bye. I tried to slip into indifference so Tyler wouldn’t see me lose it over this, but I couldn’t. My knees were weak in the worst way possible, my lips were quivering even as I tried to force them firmly together, and tears were blurring my vision.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Tyler wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

“I d– I don’t—why?”

“I don’t know, Cassi, but I’m so sorry.” He turned me so I was facing him and cupped my cheek with one of his hands. “What can I do to make this better?”

“Nothing.”

“Cassi—”

“I’m serious, I just . . . I just need to be alone right now.” I moved out of his arms and went to our room, curling into a ball on the bed. When Tyler opened the door I spoke before he could. “Please, Ty. Just leave me alone for a while.”

After giving me a kiss on my forehead, he turned and left the room.

“SWEETHEART, COME ON. Get dressed, let me take you out to lunch or something.”

I sighed deeply and wrapped the pillow closer to my chest. “I’m not hungry, Ty.”

“You need to eat, you’re losing too much weight.”

“I’m fine.” No, I wasn’t. This couldn’t be normal, not that anything between Gage and me had ever been normal. Not the sudden love I felt for him, not how I felt like I couldn’t breathe unless he was near me, and especially not how I’d slipped into a “zombified version of myself,” as Tyler liked to call it. I stopped doing Saturday shifts, but other than that I still went to work and continued to cook dinner for Tyler and the guys. When I wasn’t doing either of those two things, I was curled into a tight ball in bed, trying to ignore the intense pain of Gage ignoring me. It had been another three weeks since he’d moved all his stuff out, making it a month and a half since I’d seen or heard from him. Tyler still saw him at school, and I was glad that their relationship hadn’t suffered as well, seeing as they were still doing their Saturday-morning breakfasts at Kerbey Lane.

With a huff, Tyler walked out of the bedroom and shut the door behind him. Four hours later, I was just starting to think I should get up and start making dinner for him when he walked back in. His long strides were determined as he made his way to the bed; lifting me up into his chest, he slammed his mouth down onto mine.

I started to protest, but my heart was so shattered, I could barely find the will to turn my head away. “Ty—” I finally managed, but when I opened my mouth, he forced his tongue to meet mine as he laid me back down, his body following.

“Damn it, Cassi,” he growled against my mouth when he realized I wasn’t kissing him back. He pulled away slightly and searched my eyes, pain filling his. “What do I have to do? I’ve loved you since we were kids. What do I have to do to make you love me too?”

“I do love you, Tyler.”

He shook his head. “Not like that, Cassi, I want you, all of you. I want you to be mine, I want to take care of you in every way possible for the rest of our lives. Can’t you see that?”

I just continued to stare into his brown eyes, unblinking.

When I didn’t say anything, he let his head drop into the crook of my neck and sighed. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep waiting for you to see me the way I see you. I kept—I kept hoping one day you would get it. But I see that’s not going to happen. I’m sorry, Cass, but I can’t do this anymore.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“This, Cass, all of it. Living here with you, only being your friend. I can’t keep doing this. I want all of you, or nothing at all.”

“What?!”

“You ne—”

“I thought you were my friend!”

“I am, damn it, Cassi, haven’t I always been that? But I’m tired of just being your friend! I can’t keep doing this with you.”

“Tyler—” My chest was heaving up and down quickly. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. “How can you do this to me? I can’t lose you, you’re all I have!”

“Then don’t fucking lose me!”

“That’s not fair, I’ve never thought of you like that, Ty, and Gage—” Tyler’s eyes narrowed and darkened at the mention of his cousin. “You know what he meant to me!”

“Why can’t I be that for you? At least I won’t make you destroy yourself like he has from the heartbreak he’s caused you! So decide, Cass, right now. You’re with me, or you leave.”

My jaw dropped and I couldn’t stop the tears that escaped my eyes. Why was he doing this? How could he do this after all these years? “You’re breaking my heart right now!”

“And you think you haven’t broken mine? How do you think it felt that after years of being there for you, taking care of you and loving you—you took one look at Gage and you’re ready to give your heart to him.”

Words escaped me for a few seconds and my head quickly shook back and forth as I floundered for the right thing to say. I couldn’t lose Tyler. He was my rock, and with Gage gone, he was back to being all I had left.

“Let me love you, Cassi.” His voice went soft and low. “Let me be who you need.”

“Ty—” I cried, and shook my head once more, and instantly his features hardened as he started to push himself off me and the bed. Oh God, no. I realized right then I’d do anything—just as long as he wouldn’t leave me too. I grabbed his face and held it just inches from mine. He’d been the only reason I’d stayed in that house all my life, and he’d been the only reason I’d survived it as well. I did love him, more than I could ever explain to anyone. I owed him my life. But he was right, it wasn’t in the way he was describing his feelings for me. Could I love him in that way too? No one got me like Tyler did. Our relationship, however weird it may have been, was the result of leaning on and loving each other for most of our lives. He knew exactly what I needed and always made sure I was taken care of before himself, just as I did the same for him. I took a shuddering breath in and let my gaze fall from his eyes over his face and to his wide shoulders. There was no doubting he was attractive, I’d always thought that, but now that I was trying to look at him differently, I realized he wasn’t just attractive. He was sexy. His entire body screamed raw masculine beauty and I felt my heart kick up as I studied the parts of him I could see. His piercing eyes were so dark right now that they were almost black. They were hidden behind thick blond lashes that matched his shortish, unkempt dirty-blond hair, which I’d always secretly loved. His strong nose led down to his mouth, which was full but not too full. More like it had a constant perfect pout unless he was giving one of his heart-stopping smiles.

My heart and mind instantly wished for green eyes, black hair, and deep dimples, but I pushed it away. Gage didn’t want me. I glanced down to his hard jaw and my eyes kept going to his neck and the tops of his shoulders. He’d been a swimmer throughout school and his best stroke was the butterfly; because of that he had shoulders that were broad and covered in muscles, and I started to wish he had his shirt off so I could finally study the rest of his muscles too. Could I do this? Could I be selfish enough to try to make myself fall in love with him in that way just so I wouldn’t lose him? It wasn’t fair to him, and I would probably be a horrible person for it, but yes, I could. And I would. I couldn’t lose Tyler, and if that meant trying to give him my heart when it would always be lost to his cousin, then that’s what I would do.

I looked back into his eyes and continued to convince myself that I could do this as I slowly brought his face down to mine, leaning up slightly to meet him halfway. Our eyes were still locked on each other as I pressed my lips softly to his once, then twice. Tyler searched my face for a moment before bringing our mouths back together, soft yet firm, and moved his lips against mine. It felt wrong, so wrong. This wasn’t like kissing Gage; I didn’t feel like the world fell away when Tyler kissed me, and I started to feel sick knowing I would never have this with Gage again. Squeezing my eyes tight, I took myself back to the hill next to the creek on the ranch, to the best night of my life. I thought about Gage’s hot breath on my neck as he made a trail of light bites and kisses from the hollow at the base of my neck, up my throat, and back to my mouth. I thought about the weight of his body on mine as we tried to pull each other closer together. I thought about the overwhelming sense of joy and belonging I felt in his arms. I thought about all these things, and tried to throw them into my kiss with Tyler.

When Tyler’s tongue slid across my bottom lip, I parted my lips slightly, this time meeting his exploration of my mouth with one of my own. He moaned and pressed my body deeper into the mattress while his mouth trailed down my neck and across my shoulder as he slid the strap of my tank top down. My breath caught when he went back and nipped my neck before lightly sucking at the sensitive spot behind my ear.

“You can do better than this, Cassi. I need to know that you want me as much as I want you,” he whispered against my skin.

I grabbed fistfuls of his hair and forced his head back up to mine. I wanted to yell at him, tell him he wasn’t being fair considering I was still completely not over his cousin. Instead, I crushed my mouth to his and sucked on his bottom lip before capturing it in my teeth. Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, I ripped it over his head and ran my fingers over his muscled body, causing him to shiver and his hard-on to become disgustingly apparent. I wanted to throw up. Trying to picture him as Gage wasn’t helping at all; if anything it was making it worse. There was no way to fool my mind into thinking this was the man who would always hold my heart. Every touch and every kiss was completely different, and lacking everything that was just . . . us.

Tyler’s hand was running up my bare stomach toward my chest, and just as I was about to stop him, and hope he wouldn’t be hurt by that, his cell rang. I tried to suppress my sigh of relief when he rolled off me and grabbed his phone to answer. When he hung up he walked back to the bed and hovered over me on his hands and knees, placing two soft kisses on my cheek.

“Ty—” I had to clear my throat before continuing. “You’re going to need to be patient with me. Other than kissing Gage at the ranch”—Tyler’s eyes narrowed again—“I’ve never done anything. I don’t want to do anything yet, I just . . . I just need time if that’s okay.”

“That’s more than okay, Cassi, take as long as you need.”

“And I think I should move into the other bedroom.”

“What?” He backed up farther, his eyebrows shooting up. “Cassi, why?”

“Because it will be awkward to sleep together now.”

“Cass,” he said, rolling onto his side and propping his head up on his hand, “you’ve slept in my bed for years; that shouldn’t change now.”

I thought about all the times when Ty would wrap his arms tighter around me, making his hard-on more apparent, and we weren’t even in any kind of relationship when that happened. If we were, I could only imagine how much more often that would happen and I already felt disgusted just thinking about it. I really didn’t want anything related to that with Tyler . . . not after I’d spent a year fantasizing about Gage’s naked body against mine. “I’m sorry, Ty, but if we’re going to try to be in a relationship, I can’t start one in bed with you.”

Tyler exhaled slowly. “Okay, if that’s what you need, Cass.” He leaned down to press featherlight kisses to my jaw. “So we’re going to do this? You’re gonna be my girl?”

“Yeah, Ty,” I said softly, “I will.”

He grinned wider than I’d ever seen and kissed me softly. “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too. It might not be the way you want yet, but I’ll get there. I just . . . as long as I’ve known you, I’ve only thought of you as a friend. I never considered anything else with you until about five minutes ago, so I’m sorry if this takes longer than you’d like.”

“Don’t be sorry, I know it’ll take time.” His nose skimmed across my collarbone, and my eyelids actually fluttered shut. “I’ve wanted this for so long, I’m just happy you’re finally giving us a chance.” He hopped off the bed and pulled his shirt back on. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“Well, if you’re leaving my bed, I’m not about to let you sleep on a bare mattress in a bare room. Let’s go get whatever you want.”

“Really, Ty?” I smiled at him; this was my Tyler. “You’re not gonna be mad at me?”

Pulling me off the bed, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my nose. “I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried.”

“DO YOU LIKE it?” Tyler asked hours later.

We’d made a trip to a few stores, and for the first time since I was six, I had a room and bathroom that were completely and utterly me. From the curtains and bedding to the lamps, throw rugs, and towels, all of it was warm, designed to be an escape, and would be perfect for curling up in and getting lost in books. “I love it.”

“I’m not going to lie, I’m gonna hate not sharing a room with you, but you did good. This screams Cassi.”

“I was just thinking that.” I sighed into his arms and let my head fall back to his chest. Now that we were dating . . . I guess . . . it was weird going from being so comfortable with Ty to having all our touches mean something. With the exception of actually kissing, every little thing we’d always done made it look like Tyler and I were already together. I hadn’t noticed it until tonight, and when I did, I couldn’t help but think about Gage and what he must have thought while we lived together. If he had ever wanted me, I was now understanding why it took him so long to act on it. I sucked in a quick breath and bit on the inside of my cheeks at the realization that Ty and I could have been a reason that nothing ever happened with Gage.

Tyler slowly rubbed my arms and kissed my neck. “I’m sorry you’re still hurting. I know I’m not him, but I’ll try to make it better.”

Of course Tyler knew what I was thinking without my telling him. I turned in his arms and let my hands glide through his hair. “You do. You always do, Ty. I don’t know how you haven’t noticed that you’re the one person in my life who it would kill me to lose. You’ve made my entire life better, you’ve always taken care of me and put me before yourself.” Now it’s my turn. I brought his face down to mine and kissed him slow and hard.

G AGE

I DIDN’T KNOW what was easier, living with them and stomaching her walking out of his room every morning, or not living with them and not seeing them together. But of course, with the latter, I hadn’t seen her at all. It was the first of November . . . meaning I hadn’t seen her in three months. Three slow, torturous months. I still saw Tyler every Saturday morning, but for some reason he’d stopped mentioning her and stopped throwing their awkward relationship in my face every five seconds about a month and a half ago. It killed me not knowing how she was, and I hated missing her birthday, but I didn’t know how I would handle seeing her.

Last Saturday, Ty had asked me to start coming back to dinners, at least when all the guys came over, and I was seriously considering it so I could get my Cassidy fix, but there was something I had to do first. I had to see her without Tyler around, and since I had no idea what his schedule was like this semester, I was now driving up to Starbucks and hoping she would still be there.

I parked and walked around the side to the front doors; opening them, I swear to God my heart stopped right then. She was there, and she was more beautiful than I’d ever seen her. She was busy at the bar, so I ordered my drink without giving my name and, like the creep I was, stayed off to the side so I could watch her for a few minutes. Her long brown hair was pulled back, and her honey eyes were wide and bright as she smiled at something a coworker said. God, that smile. I would do anything to make her smile again. When her arm stretched out to pass a drink to a customer, I saw something on the inside of her forearm, but she moved too quickly for me to get a good enough look.

Sooner than I’d wanted, she was calling out my drink order and I had to take a deep breath in before walking over there.

“Thank you!” she said brightly, flashing me a quick glance before turning back to the bar. Sucking in a startled gasp, she looked back up, her eyes wide, mouth slightly open. “Gage,” she whispered softly.

“Hey, darlin’.”

Her cheeks went red as she continued to stare at me.

“Are you off soon?”

She glanced down to the inside of her wrist. I smiled at her too-large watch that always slid over. “Um . . . te-ten minutes.”

My eyes went wide as I got a good look at her forearm. I had no doubt what that was. She had a tattoo. A cluster of stars. Ursa Major. I thought back to that night by the creek, we’d been talking about constellations, and she’d pointed it out first, telling me it had always been her favorite one. I remembered adding that to the list of reasons why she was amazing, since that constellation was the reason I’d named my horse Bear. I’d told her as much and she’d given me a soft smile and reached over to brush her hand against my arm. I’d have been damn stupid to think she’d gotten that because of that night, but I wanted to know if she thought about it at all when she looked at her arm.

I looked over to the cups that were lining up next to her and grabbed my drink. “All right.” I wanted to tell her I’d wait for her, but I didn’t know if she’d even want to talk to me. She’d broken my heart, but I’d been coldhearted and a straight coward when it came to her. So I just turned around and went to sit at one of the big chairs in the corner.

C ASSIDY

OH MY GOD, he’s here. Gage is here. My heart stopped when I looked up and saw those bright green eyes staring down at me. Dear Lord, he was so handsome. My dreams over the last three months hadn’t done him justice at all. I tried to go back to work, but I was so flustered, I could barely concentrate on the drinks I was making.

Why is he here? And is he waiting for me, or is he meeting someone here? He wouldn’t have asked if I was off soon if he wasn’t waiting, right? Damn it, Cassidy . . . calm down and just breathe. I put out another two drinks and couldn’t help looking over at him. Like he could sense that I was watching him, he lifted up his head and met my gaze. I couldn’t look away and I wished desperately that he would for the both of us. God, it didn’t help that he was wearing my favorite shirt of his; it was an old Ramones shirt, and the color green was almost the exact same color as his eyes. I needed him to stop looking at me; I could get lost in those eyes on any given day, even from across a coffee shop.

I was finally able to tear my eyes away when Stacey, one of my coworkers, asked about a few drinks she was waiting on in the drive-thru. Why did he have to come to this Starbucks? There were tons in the area, and dozens of other coffee shops. I didn’t know where he’d moved to, but this couldn’t have been the only one close to him, and even if it was, you only had to drive an extra five or so minutes before finding another. I needed these ten minutes to go by faster; I felt like I was going to break down right there in front of everyone. In the last six weeks since Ty and I had gotten together, I’d slowly been able to start having a normal life. It wasn’t overnight by any means—I still ached for Gage, still dreamed of him on a nightly basis—but I was finally laughing again. And now here he was. Bringing back every good and bad memory of him. I didn’t want to still be in love with Gage, and his being there wasn’t going to help a thing.

For the rest of my shift, I kept my eyes on my drinks only; I knew it was rude to the customers who came up to the bar, but if I looked at them, I would look at Gage. And I just couldn’t handle that right now.

“Cassidy.” Stacey grabbed my arm and I jumped.

“Huh?”

“You’re off, clock out and go home . . . are you okay?”

I took a shaky breath in and mashed my lips in a tight line as I barely shook my head.

“Come on.” Her hand, which was still on my arm, led me to the front to clock out, then dragged me to the back. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s here!” I blurted, and tried to calm my shaking.

“Who is?” Stacey looked up to the monitor showing the store’s cameras.

“Gage . . . Gage is here. Oh my God, why is he doing this? He doesn’t want me! He never did, and he left without so much as a good-bye.”

Her eyes went wide. “Oh shit. Tyler’s cousin?”

I nodded and took off my green apron. “I think he’s waiting for me, should I talk to him?”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know. I do, but I don’t know if I can.”

“Cassidy,” she said with a sigh, “just because you’re with Tyler now doesn’t mean he can control who you talk to.”

“No, no. It’s not that. It’s just—I still love him, Stace. I don’t want to, but I do. I thought I was getting better, but when he showed up just now, I don’t know.”

She gave me a quick hug. “It’s up to you. Before you go back out there, just think about whether you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him.”

I nodded and waited five more minutes, deciding that if he was still out there and alone when I walked out, then I would go up and talk to him. With one last deep breath, I walked out from the back and around the corner. He was in the same spot, head down and spinning his most likely empty cup around in his hands. Like earlier, he stopped abruptly and his head slowly came up. He looked at me, then to the door that I was next to, and started to stand up, his eyes pleading. When I began walking toward him, he sat back down and seemed to clear his throat a few times. I sat in the chair next to him and pulled my legs up underneath me, so I wouldn’t continue to bounce them up and down nervously.

“How are you?” He finally broke the silence after a few minutes.

“I’m fine.” I hated that my voice sounded so small. “You?”

“I’m all right. You, uh—you look really good, Cassidy.”

Please don’t tell me that. I need to get over you, I need you to be mean again or just go back to avoiding me. “You left.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I needed to.”

I nodded. “Look, I understand you were mad for whatever reason, but you didn’t even say bye. You were just gone, Gage. Was it that bad having to live with a girl, or was it just me?” I shook my head and grumbled to myself, “Of course it was just me.”

“I should have said good-bye, I should have told you I was leaving. I just, I didn’t know how.”

“Why are you here, Gage?”

Pain flashed through his green eyes and his brow furrowed. “Um. I, uh—needed to see you. Tyler’s been asking me to come around; I needed to know if that would be a bad idea.”

“You’re grown, you’re free to do whatever you want.”

“If you don’t want me around, Cassidy, that’s all you have to say.”

My eyes narrowed. If I didn’t want him around? He was the one who left me! “I would never get in the way of you and Ty.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Well, I don’t want to answer that. I looked away and tried to slow my racing heart again. Gage brushed my arm and turned it slightly, running his fingers over my birthday present to myself.

“I like this.”

“Me too.” My voice was shaky and I tried to disguise it with a small laugh. Of course I had gotten it for me, but I’m not going to lie and say that Gage had nothing to do with my decision on that tattoo. I knew he was gone from my life, but even though nothing had ever come of us, he would always be the man I was in love with. I was sure of it. Over the almost year that we lived together, we’d found plenty of things that we had in common, but looking at the stars that night, followed by those amazing kisses and falling asleep in his arms . . . That constellation was by far my favorite thing we shared. “And yes, I want you around. It’s been . . . different without you there.” Miserable. It’s been absolutely miserable.

He nodded and continued lightly running his thumb over the stars. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday, and I’m sorry I up and left. I’ve missed you so much, Cassidy.”

A strangled sigh escaped my throat and I had to look away again to compose myself. “Why did you leave?”

“You know why. I couldn’t stay there with y’all anymore.”

Right, because I was getting in the way of his relationships. “You couldn’t stay with us? Or just me?”

His jaw tightened and he leaned away.

“It’s fine. I don’t need you to answer that.”

“Cass—”

“No, really, Gage, don’t.” I stood up and walked toward the doors. When I was outside he caught up with me; putting a hand on my shoulder, he turned me around and I stumbled back when I saw how close he was.

“I don’t want to keep staying away from you; you have no idea how much you mean to me.”

Why is he doing this? Why is he always playing with my heart? I wanted to scream at him for leaving me, for making me fall in love with him, for continuing to keep me wanting him like he was right now. But then I figured that was probably what he wanted. He probably loved having girls basically fall over themselves for him.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “Can we at least be friends again? I miss talking to you, I miss driving you to work in the morning, I miss our morning hugs . . . I just miss you.”

I tried not to get lost in his scent, or how I finally felt like I was where I belonged for the first time in three months. I didn’t know if I could just be friends with Gage, but anything would be better than the hell that I’d been through without him. I pulled back slightly, and he wrapped a big hand around my neck, reminding me of all those times I’d thought he’d been about to kiss me. “I miss you too, Gage. So much. I would love it if you came around. Do you, uh, is there anyone who cooks for you?”

“No, it’s just me there.” He paused for a minute. “I’m not seeing anyone if that’s what you’re asking.”

Of course that’s what I’m asking! “I wasn’t, but I know how bad you are at cooking. I’m surprised you’ve managed to last this long.” I tried to laugh, but it sounded wrong. “I’ll make dinner for you every night, if you’ll be there. I know Tyler really misses having you live with us; I think he’d like it if you were there.”

“I have night classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, but if you want me, I’ll be there.”

God, I wanted him in so many ways. Ways that I shouldn’t . . . couldn’t. “Then I guess I’ll see you every other night.”