Текст книги "From Ashes"

Автор книги: Molly McAdams

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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

My heart was pounding in my chest and I couldn’t stop looking into his smiling blue eyes. The butterflies in my stomach intensified and I knew I was in trouble. “Connor,” I murmured around his mouth, which was on mine again, “I’m in love with Gage. I’m going to marry him.”

“Are you engaged?” He leaned back suddenly.

“No, but we both know we’re going to get married. We talk about it often.” Or at least I think about it often.

“Then why wouldn’t you tell him where you were going, especially when it’s something like this? Have you even talked to him since you’ve been here?”

I bit the corner of my bottom lip and looked to the side. When he smirked again I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “He’s the reason I had the black eye.”

Connor’s body went solid and his face fell.

“But it’s not like you think, it’s exactly how Tyler and I told you. There was this huge fight, and I saw Gage in the middle of it and I freaked. I hate violence, and I couldn’t stand to see him hitting his friend. I wanted to yell at him to stop. Thinking about it now, I doubt it would’ve done any good anyway. All the guys were yelling at each other, girlfriends were shrieking at their boyfriends to stop, and the music was playing. But I tried to yell, I just couldn’t get my voice to work. So I didn’t think, I just ran in and tried to pull him off. He wasn’t facing me and didn’t know it was me. I’d been in the other room and as far as he knew I was just another guy getting ready to fight him. He flung his elbow back and turned around to throw a punch and that’s when he saw me. It killed him, knowing he did that to me, but all I could see was the look on his face and my past came rushing back to me. Now that’s all I can see when I look at or think about him. Tyler called to tell me about the house just a few hours later. So I did what I do best: I left.”

Connor’s arms dropped and understanding covered his face.

“I am in love with Gage. I just need to figure out how to not see that look on his face every time I look at him from here on out. Until then, I know he’ll just continue to torture himself knowing he hurt me that way.”

“Talk, Cassidy.”

“Um . . . I am talking . . .”

He shook his head. “That’s exactly what I meant about needing to talk about your past, and now that letter. If you keep it inside, they’ll remain demons for you the exact way your mom had her own demons. Those demons will take away every happy thing in your life. You need to talk about it. If you don’t, you’ll always see your boyfriend the way you saw him during the fight.” Connor blew out a deep breath and ran a hand over his face. “Shit,” he mumbled, “all right, I get it, you love him.” He handed the envelope back to me and pulled me into his arms. “You want to marry Gage, Gage should be the one you talk to. You need someone who understands what you went through, you have my card. And I’ll behave from now on.” He grinned at me and kissed my forehead and left his lips there as he spoke. “Unless you’re single. Then it’s fair game and I’m fighting for my turn next.”

I laughed and pushed him back, noting that I hated the loss of his arms around me. And hating that I hated that.

“That letter, Cass? Don’t let it get to you. Like I said, she had demons and that’s how she thought she needed to take care of them. You’re beautiful inside and out, so I know you’ll be able to find the beauty in what your mother thought she was doing for you. She thought she was giving you a new life, Cassidy. Don’t let them ruin this one too.”

My heart swelled and my vision blurred.

“Would it be too much to ask if you wanted to finish your coffee with me? You have a boyfriend, I already got that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you.” Connor wiped a tear from my cheek and took a step toward the side door.

With my history of feelings for this man, and how my stomach fluttered and heart picked up its pace when he looked at me, it was probably not the best idea. But as long as he kept to himself, then having someone like Connor to talk to would be a godsend. “I guess it’s good I have a lot of free time then.”

He gave me a full-blown blinding smile and my heart stopped; my arms and lips tingled. Yeah—this was a bad idea.

Chapter Fifteen

G AGE

LOOKING AROUND AT my family, I couldn’t help but notice someone was missing. It’d been two weeks. Two. Weeks. And not one word from Cassidy.

“Anything?” I asked Tyler, even though I already knew the answer.

“No, man, I’m sorry. Called Mom before the ceremony; she was asleep in the guest room.”

I nodded and tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. I’d just graduated and we were now out to lunch, but I couldn’t even attempt to smile or be happy about it. My entire world was in freakin’ California and not talking to me. My family had come out yesterday, so they all knew what happened with her, and it was safe to say no one looked particularly thrilled right now. Amanda, Nikki, and Emily were pissed because they thought it was all my fault, which it was. Emily reasoned in her little princess voice that if I hadn’t been a mean boyfriend and hurt Cassi she wouldn’t have run away. I’d thought Cassidy had taken my heart with her; I was wrong. Because my baby sister definitely let me know I still had it when she helped break it a little more. Mom and Dad just looked worried, whether for Cassidy or myself, I didn’t know. Needless to say, things were strained right now.

“We really are so proud of you, son,” my mom said with a pained smile.

“Yeah, congrats, Gage,” the three girls mumbled at the same time.

I glanced at Tyler anxiously and he just shook his head and leaned in close. “She’s not calling me or answering my calls either. But Mom and Dad are watching her. I don’t know what happened but Mom said she looks a lot better all of a sudden and she’s been gone from the house a lot. It shouldn’t be long, Gage, she’ll come back.” He clapped my shoulder and leaned back in his chair.

The weird thing about all this was it brought me and Ty together again. Like he said he would, he’d kept me updated. He’d texted me every day he was in California and came to my house the minute he got back in Texas to tell me everything he hadn’t been able to say through texts. During this last week, he’d continued to give me every update his mom and dad gave him, and we’d actually spent time just catching up while he helped me pack up the house. I’d made Tyler pack up Cassidy’s things; I couldn’t stand seeing them untouched. For once, he actually wanted Cass and me to be together, but I was beginning to think it was too late.

“So you graduated college, what are you gonna do now?” Dad asked as he leaned back in his chair.

“What do you mean? I’m going back to the ranch.” Not like this was news. That had been the plan my entire life; that’s why he’d helped me build my house on the ranch. The house I’d finished last Christmas, with Cassidy still in mind even though she had been with Tyler.

Dad just nodded and wiped food from his lips and massive mustache. “You can do that, if you want.”

“If I want,” I deadpanned.

“Think it’s safe to say I’m speaking for the whole family: we’d rather you go to California and bring home our girl first.”

Four sets of female eyes snapped to my face and brightened.

“Dad, she left. Again.” I tried once more to clear that lump out of my throat and barely got the next words out. “It’s over.” Pain worse than I’d ever felt seared through my chest as I realized the truth of those two words.

“Doesn’t look like it from where I’m sitting,” he said, and played with his knife. “Now, almost everything from your place is already in the trucks. We’ll finish and take it all to the ranch. It’ll be there by the time you bring her back to Texas.”

Tyler had his phone out and to his ear. “Mom, is she—yeah, he did. I’ll tell him.” He turned to look at me. “She said congratulations.” When I nodded he put the phone back to his ear and said, “He said thanks. Is Cassi still there? All right, thanks. Yeah, love you too. Bye.” After setting his phone on the table he looked at me. “She ran out to get some coffee.”

“I could hear her.”

“Gage, you might as well go to her,” Tyler continued. “It’s been long enough and she needs you just as much as you need her.”

Before I realized what he was doing, my dad threw a credit card down in front of me. “Give me the keys to your place. Like I said, it’ll all be at the ranch by the time you get back. Now get gone.”

I fumbled with my key ring, my hands shaking so bad I wanted to toss the whole thing at him, but I still needed my truck keys to drive. When I finally got the house key off, I kissed the girls on their cheeks and ran out of the restaurant. This was it. This was the last time I could put myself out there for her. If she turned from me when I got there, it would be over. I would always love her; she would always be the girl I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. But there are only so many times you can handle heartbreak with someone before you have to start protecting yourself.

I was at the airport in no time, but the only nonstop flight had just left, and the earliest they could get me there with the different connecting flights was seven hours. At least it was faster than driving. Handing over the card without a second’s hesitation, I paid for the ticket. I got strange looks from the woman at the ticket counter and the TSA agents when they realized I didn’t have a bag, but I didn’t care. I just needed to get Cassidy.

C ASSIDY

CONNOR OPENED THE door as soon as I started knocking. “Hey, everything okay? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you called, but I was surprised you wanted to . . . come . . . over . . . holy shit.” He breathed the last words and his pale blue eyes slowly danced over my body before coming up to meet my gaze. “Cassidy, you look amazing.”

I looked down at my light purple threadbare racer-back tank and tiny black shorts. “Oh, um, thank you.” I knew how he felt. He was wearing a pair of gray slacks and a black button-up shirt with a gray tie. The tie had been loosened quite a bit, the top two buttons of his shirt undone, and his sleeves were rolled up to his forearms. He looked delicious. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Connor and I had ended up talking at the coffeehouse for hours that Wednesday, and though I hadn’t seen him since then, we’d talked and texted every day. Sometimes about our pasts, sometimes about my fears with Gage, his fears that he’d never find a woman who understood his past, and other times just to get to know everything about each other. I’d never been able to talk to anyone like I could talk to Connor. I’d thought I could talk to Tyler and Gage about anything, but after meeting Connor I realized there was something about our sharing our past that brought us together on a level I would never have with either of them. There was something about it that was just . . . nice, and wanted.

He opened the door to his apartment wider to let me through, then shut and locked it behind us. “So what’s going on?”

“Are you going to work? Or am I interrupting something?”

He huffed a laugh and grinned crookedly. “No, I just got home after being on for thirty-six hours.”

“Oh my God, Connor! You need to go to sleep, you shouldn’t have let me come over.” I started toward the door. “Wait, thirty-six hours? Why were you talking to me? You should have been working. Was I keeping you from your job?”

His smile softened and his pale blue eyes seemed to dance as he took a step toward me and wrapped me in his arms, pressing his forehead to mine. “I only talked to you when I had free time. You didn’t interfere. I got the confession I needed, and we told the family this morning that the killer was caught.” I inhaled audibly and his hand came up to brush my cheek. “You, Cassidy, could never be a bad distraction. When we had a minute, you were there for me to talk to; when we took breaks to eat or drink coffee, you were there. When I felt like I needed to take a step back from the case to clear my head, then go back in fresh, you were there. Now I’m home, and you’re here. Honestly, I can’t remember a time in my life when I was as happy as I’ve been since this last Wednesday.”

My heart was pounding and the butterflies in my stomach were full force, which I was starting to think was the norm when it came to Connor. I let my fingers brush under his eyes, having just noticed the dark circles there. “You need to sleep, Connor,” I whispered.

“I will.” His lips brushed against my wrist and I actually had to force down a whimper. “Is it okay if I change?”

I leaned away from him. “How long have you been home?”

He pulled me back and rested his forehead against mine again. “Long enough to take my jacket off.”

“Connor—”

“Cass, seriously.” He chuckled and lifted his head, only to press his body closer to mine. “When you called twenty minutes ago, I floored it to get home because I knew you were going to be right behind me.” His deep voice dropped even lower when he continued. “I wish I could come back to this every time.”

My breaths started coming quicker and my eyes dropped to his lips before I could force them down to the knot in his tie. How was it possible to be so completely in love with someone but have this kind of a connection and chemistry with someone else at the same time? I’d felt this connection the moment I’d first seen him almost four years ago, but I hadn’t had Gage at that time. To have it come back instantly while with Gage was incredibly confusing. I don’t know when my hands had dropped to his neck, but I slid them to his tie and focused on undoing the knot and slowly sliding it off. Connor didn’t move once, he just continued to stare at me. I looked down at the tie in my hands, then over to the dining room table, where his jacket sat on one of the chairs. He released me and walked over to the table with me right behind him. I laid the tie on top of the jacket as he started taking things off his belt and putting them on the table. Handcuffs, badge, phone, gun.

“Do you have a minute?” he asked as he began unbuttoning his black shirt. All I could do was nod as he shrugged it off. “Can I go take a shower first?”

“S-sure,” I stuttered when my eyes snapped back to his.

His hand trailed down my arm to squeeze my hand before he grabbed the shirt, coat, and tie with one hand and turned away. Before he was out of my line of sight, his other hand caught the back of his undershirt’s collar and he pulled it over his head, revealing his lean, muscled back and arms. And I had no doubt he did that on purpose.

Connor was back five or so minutes later, hair dark and messy from the shower, a gray fitted shirt and another pair of faded jeans on that I would bet were made just for him. “You want coffee?” When I shook my head, he leaned against a side wall smiling at me. “So what’s brought you here?”

I twisted my dad’s ring nervously and bit my lip to try to hide my grin but failed. “I want to show you something.” I’d straightened my hair and thrown it up in a high ponytail so you could see the exposed part of my back easily, and with the loose, thin material of the shirt, it wouldn’t be hard to move it out of the way to show the entire thing. With another smile toward Connor, I turned so my back was facing him, then looked over my shoulder at him to see his reaction.

The day after coffee with Connor, I’d gone to get a tattoo of a phoenix starting at the top of my right shoulder, covering part of my shoulder blade, and going toward the center of my back and ending at my waist. It had taken forever, but it was colorful and beautiful. I loved it; it wasn’t just to honor my dad, it was a way to always remind me of my mom’s sacrifice. She may have been thirteen years too late, and it may have been something I would have tried so hard to stop her from doing, but it’s what she needed to do for herself and for me. It was the only gift she thought she could give me, and in some sick, twisted way, I understood.

“A phoenix?” His lips twitched up at the corners and he took the few steps up to me to move the piece of material going down the middle of my back. “Damn, this is really good,” he said softly, and trailed a finger down my shoulder blade.

Goose bumps and a shiver spread over my body and I watched as his pale blue eyes darkened as they locked with mine. “You’re going to have to forgive me, Cassidy.”

In a move so fast I could hardly comprehend it, he turned my body so I was facing him, lifted me so my legs were around his waist, and had my back against the entryway wall, his mouth on mine and moving aggressively. The tip of his tongue lightly traced my bottom lip and I shivered again.

My mouth opened for him, and we both moaned when our tongues touched. My body was at war with itself. I was hating myself and craving Gage but enjoying this strange connection with Connor.

“Connor, stop,” I said breathlessly. One hand was grabbing a fistful of his wet hair, the other had his shirt clenched in it. Forcing both of them to relax their hold, I repeated myself even though he had stopped and currently had his forehead against my collarbone. “Stop.”

Connor was just as breathless from the quick but aggressive kiss. “If this guy doesn’t realize what he has, promise me you’ll come back, Cassidy.”

“What makes you so sure I’d want you too?”

He looked up and grinned mischievously. “One, you think I’m annoyingly attractive and admitted to dreaming about me. Two, you got goose bumps the second I touched you”—his eyes shifted down for a second to look at my arm, then came back to meet mine—“and still have them. And three, even though you fight it when we kiss because of your boyfriend, those high-pitched noises that come out of your throat when our lips meet and the way your body instantly reacts to mine says it all.”

My chest was heaving up and down quickly; I knew he was right and was thoroughly embarrassed and feeling guilty about it. “I think you should put me down.”

“You’re about to walk out of my life, so when you promise that you’ll come back to me if you and Gage don’t work out, I will.”

“I’m nineteen,” I blurted out.

He chuckled. “And I just turned twenty-five. Your point?”

“You’re only twenty-five? But you’re—you’re a detective. I thought you were close to thirty.”

“Do I look thirty?”

“Well, no.” I felt my cheeks redden and I looked to the side. “I just figured you had to be older to be a detective.”

“God, I like that too,” he said softly as he looked at my cheeks.

“Connor.”

His eyes snapped back to mine. “I’ve always known I wanted to be a homicide detective, so right away I started working hard for it. Only been in homicide for six months, and the youngest guy next to me is thirty-four. But regardless, I’ve seen your driver’s license; I know you’re almost twenty. Not that it matters either way; you don’t act your age. You’re mature because of what you had to live through, and if I had to guess, I’d say Gage is a bit older than you too.”

“Twenty-two,” I responded immediately.

“Have you talked to him at all since you left?”

I didn’t respond, because I hadn’t.

“Has Gage tried to call you?”

My head and eyes lifted slightly to look into his. “No.”

He nodded and leaned in so his lips were at my ear. “Cassidy, you’re in love with someone who isn’t here. He hasn’t called, and he hasn’t come looking for you. Not only that, you haven’t tried to call him either, and we’ve been talking nonstop for three days, and first thing this morning you’re in my apartment to show me something extremely important to you. Not Gage’s . . . mine. We have—whatever this is between us, I know you feel it too. So what has to happen and what can I do to convince you to stay here with me, to be with me?”

“I’m sorry, but I have to go back to him. I see how it looks for you, but you don’t understand my past with Gage.”

“Then promise me, Cassidy.”

I waited until he was looking at me again. “I promise if it doesn’t work out with Gage, I’ll come back to you, Connor. But I need to tell you, he’s it for me. So I don’t want you waiting for me to come back, all right? I won’t lie to you, Connor, you mean something to me. I agree we have something, I know that and it’s pointless to act like we don’t. Other than you, Gage is the only guy I’ve ever felt anything like this for, and if he had never entered my life, I wouldn’t be able to walk out your door right now, but he has and he changed me completely. You’ll find someone who changes you too, but it isn’t me.”

“He’s very lucky.” Connor’s eyes roamed my face for a few seconds before speaking again. “I’m guessing you want me to put you down now.”

“I’d appreciate it if you would.”

He took a step away from the wall and set me on my feet. “I do like the tattoo, Cass. I like it a lot. I’m guessing you’ve been thinking a lot since Wednesday?” When I nodded he continued. “And you’re ready to start talking, am I right?”

I smiled. “I bought a plane ticket last night; I leave in four hours. I just had to come and see you first. I wanted to show you.”

“I’m glad you did. Not glad you’re leaving though.”

“You’re an amazing guy, Connor, thank you for everything.” I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“I’d ask if I could take you to the airport, and I will if you want me to, but right now I’m going to be blunt and tell you I’m struggling with what I want and what I know you need. You already know I think you’re beautiful, but you come in wearing this, and that tattoo? Christ, Cassidy. I’ve never seen your smile this bright, and God, it’s sexy. So unless you’re ready for me to kiss you again, it would be best if I didn’t take you.”

“Then you probably shouldn’t take me,” I said with a small smile. “In a weird way, you arguing with me and letting me cry into your chest outside the coffee shop helped me more than Tyler or Gage has ever been able to. And you’re not the only one, you know. I’ll cherish these days I’ve had with you, I’ll never forget you, and I’ll always be grateful.”

“Cassidy.”

“Yeah?”

“Go, or I’m pushing you back up against the wall and this time I’m not letting you leave.” He smiled crookedly at me as his hand came to my waist.

I sidestepped toward the door. “Good-bye, Connor.”

“Bye, Cass.”

“CASSIDY, WHAT THE hell?” Jesse whispered as he stepped onto the porch and shut the door behind him. “You’ve been gone, what . . . two weeks? Gage’s a fuckin’ mess and now you’re here all of a sudden?”

“Jesse, it’s a long story. A really long story. You’ve seen Gage? When was the last time?”

“I haven’t seen him for a few days now, but every day for a while there he’d come into the shop and ask if I’d heard from you. So spill. What’s going on?”

I pressed the lock button on the fob for the SUV I went to buy after I’d taken a cab to Gage’s town home to find it completely cleared out. He’d graduated that morning, so I was guessing he was back at the ranch; I just hadn’t expected him to be gone so soon. Even with help, that was really fast to clear out a house and leave. I knew I had to get to the ranch to talk to him, but I needed to make this stop first.

“I can’t go into it all right now, but I need to talk to you about something else. Jesse, I just came into a lot of money, and I know you don’t like help but I want to help with your mom’s medical bills.”

Jesse looked at the Tahoe with wide eyes, then back to me. “First, I don’t want to know what you did to come into this money. Second, I’m stealing that car from you. Third, didn’t Gage tell you about the bills?”

“What? No, what happened with the bills?”

“Cass.” He sighed and grabbed my hand to lead me to the porch swing. “The day y’all first brought food over for us, when Gage took me outside, he said he and his dad had talked and were going to pay for all Mom’s bills. They even paid the mortgage last month.”

My heart swelled for the man I loved. I knew he had reservations when it came to Jesse, but he’d been silent about them since I told him about Isabella. Still, I’d never expected him to do something like this. “Oh, Jesse—”

“Yeah, tell me about it. And without the stress on either of us, I can see how much easier it is on Ma. Only having to concentrate on fighting the cancer has helped her a lot. It’s been a blessing. But, Cassi, tell me why you left.”

I took a deep breath in and out. “Can I come in? I grabbed some groceries so I could make you two an early dinner. I went home to see Gage, but he’s already back at the ranch. I was going to go there but it’ll be too late and I’ll need it light when I drive to find my way, so I’ll wait ’til tomorrow. If you want, you and Isabella should come with me, so Gage’s family can meet her.”

Jesse grinned. “I think we’d both like that. Why don’t you sleep here tonight, we’ll leave early tomorrow, yeah?”

I could have gone to Tyler’s, but I didn’t know if he was still in town. I hadn’t talked to him since he’d come back either. “All right, help me with these groceries. I’ll get the food started, then I’ll tell you guys everything. But first, I think I need a hug from your mom. I’ve missed her.”

His crooked grin turned into a full-blown, blinding smile that reached his dark eyes. “She’s missed you too. It’ll be good to have a Cassidy meal again.” He winked and nudged my side before helping me up and following me to my new Tahoe. “Stealing this car,” he mumbled as we approached it.

“How about this: you can have this if you give me your ’69 Camaro.”

He looked appalled. “Oh hell no.”

“That’s what I thought. I’ll keep my pretty beast, and you can keep your baby.” That car was his baby. He’d tried to sell it a hundred times to help with his mom’s bills but she would hide the keys so he couldn’t drive or sell it. I knew he would’ve in a heartbeat, but I bet he was glad he still had it.

“Stealing this car,” he breathed again, and I laughed as we shut the doors and headed back up to the house.