Текст книги "CRAZY"
Автор книги: M. Dauphin
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
Benton
More Lies
“Sue, find me the file on Tagers.” The account was opened a few months back, but I can’t find anything on it, and with the way my brain has been muddled lately, I just need to make sure something didn’t happen while I was gone.
“On it,” she says cheerily, walking out of my office with an air about her… something that I haven’t seen lately.
Yesterday, I came back to work to an office that was completely normal. Being gone a week, I would have thought that things would’ve been fucking nuts here, but it seems like Adam made sure to keep it as normal and smooth as possible until my return. That’s what’s good about working with him. He’s organized and thorough. Sure, he can be a ruthless dick, and sometimes wants to take on projects that are too big for his own good, but he’s the most reliable business partner I could’ve ever imagined and the best friend a man could ask for.
“Hey,” he says from my doorway. “Holding up good?” Adam walks into the room with purpose, clicking the door shut behind him. Slowly making his way to my desk, where I’ve been all morning, getting caught up with emails, he makes a point to check out every photo I have on my desk of my family.
“As good as can be expected, I guess,” I say, huffing when he sits in front of me. “What’s up, man? I’ve got a shit ton of catching up to do.”
Really, I’ve been avoiding him since I came back because I know he’s going to want to talk about shit.
“I know for a fact that’s a lie. I made sure to leave you less of a workload than you had when your leave started. It’s only been a week or so, B. You don’t need this stress,” he says, shaking his head and staring at the papers I’ve accumulated this morning.
“I need this more than you think, Adam,” I sigh.
“Really? Gabby not doing it for you anymore?”
“Shut the fuck up, man! Can’t you fucking deal with your shit and leave me to mine?!” I bark, standing from my chair, ready to fight. I’ve been so on edge lately that I’m trying to pick a fight over nothing. Fuck, Benton. Calm your shit.
He smiles and leans back, loving the fact that he got to me that easily. Shit, he did it on purpose just to see my reaction to her.
“Fuck,” I sigh, sitting back down.
“Yeah, really. I never thought I’d see the day you moved on from Carly, but here we are…”
“Fuck off, Adam. You know that’s not what this is. She’s not coming back, and I’m finally happy with someone.”
“Someone who blacks out in your house while babysitting? Someone who lies to you about said blackout? Dude, I think you need to get your priorities straight. She better be fucking great in bed-”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I cut him off. The noise that comes out of me puts a quick look of fear on his otherwise calm complexion. He knows what happens when I get mad. That’s why he used to bet on me, and only me, when I fought. Back when things were less complicated.
“Shit. I can’t say, exactly, but I can tell you Gabby isn’t all she’s making herself out to seem. Something’s going on, dude,” he sighs. “Annaliese and she sat in the living room that night for over an hour and, by the time they were finished, Gabby was passed out on the couch and Annaliese cried the entire way home.”
“What the hell happened that night? Gabby said you two stopped by because you were in the neighborhood, but didn’t you have that fundraiser? That’s on the other side of Chicago.” I’m starting to get very worried that what Gabby has told me about the happenings of that dreadful night aren’t exactly full of the truth. Why would she lie to me about that, about something regarding my daughter?
“Dude, I wasn’t in the room. All I know is that Gabby called freaking out, Annaliese made us leave the party, and, when we got there, Gab was passed out on the living room floor, phone still in hand.”
Passed Out?
“Fuck me,” I moan, putting my head in my hands for a moment to take in the disappointment. The rage. The hurt. What the hell? “Adam, she lied to me,” I say, astonished that I almost told her I loved her the other day. How can I love someone that lies to me about something like that? And what type of person does it make me that even though I know she lied, I still have incredibly strong feelings towards her? Feelings of love and hope for the future.
Fuck.
“Yeah, well…” He rests his elbows on his knees and sighs. Looking at me and glancing back at the door, like he’s making sure I’m the only one to hear his next words, he clears his throat and continues. “B, she has a kid.”
It feels like the wind’s been knocked out of me. A kid? A KID! She has a fucking kid?!
“I need you to leave, Adam,” I growl, clenching my fists, feeling the need to hit something. Hard.
“No can do,” he leans back and stares at me. “You’re not about to ruin this office because you can’t get that anger under control. Too much fucking money lies right here in this beautiful desk.” He pets the desk and grins. Asshole.
“I’m not going to destroy the office,” I say as calmly as I can. “I’m going to find Gabby.”
“Nope. She’s in cases all day, I’ve already checked. Good thing our company has a good chunk of money in her office. We can keep track of all of our employees that way.” He shrugs and picks up a picture frame of Hannah and my mom. “It’s a beautiful picture, B. She truly loved that little girl,” he says, trying to get my mind off the fact that I want to scream at Gabby until she tells me the truth.
“Adam,” I warn.
“The way I see it,” he sighs and sets the frame down, making complete eye contact with me. “You have two choices. Obviously, you love her, or you wouldn’t have let her watch Hannah abruptly like you did. Obviously, she means the world to you or else you wouldn’t be so upset right now about all of this. You can storm into her office, piss her off, embarrass her and make her tell you…. OR you can do it the civil way, and actually talk about the shit that bothers you.” He stands and shrugs, then walks towards the door. “Your call, B. I just don’t want you to do something rash and regret your decision. I’ve seen how happy you were before you mom passed… I think Gabby has a lot to do with that. I love you and will always. She is a huge reason why Annaliese and I are together so I’ll always have a soft spot for her as well. I may come off as brass and mean and stubborn, but I fight for those I love. I love you both, but you both have growing and learning to do before you can move forward.”
I’m speechless. Mr. Chicago talking so freely about his feelings? I know he thinks the world of me… what with helping speed up my adoption, helping with the funds for Carly’s funeral last year, and even helping out with Hannah whenever he can. He’s a better uncle than most blood relatives are but he’s never come out and said anything like this before.
“I don’t want to see either of you get hurt, that’s all.” He slightly grins at me and shrugs again.
“I appreciate that man.” I sigh and run my hands down my face. “I don’t think she’s hiding anything bad…. I’m sure it’s just insecurities or something.” I hope so at least, but something tells me there’s more to it.
“Yea… well either way… I want you both happy. Sure I give you a hard time about her, but it all has been so weird, B. I don’t like not being in the know, and you kept this from me for a long time. I’m worried… for both of you. I just want you guys to be as happy as I have become with Annaliese.”
With that as his sign off, he leaves my office, not closing the door behind him.
Asshole has a very valid point, and, as much as I want answers now, I know it’s only going to hurt both of us if I don’t go into this level headed. Maybe she has a reason she lied to me. Maybe there’s a perfectly good explanation of why she won’t tell me what’s really going on with her. I’ve seen the results from the nightmares, the shaking hands when out in public with Hannah. I’ve seen all these little things but none of it makes sense. Gabby is the typical American twenty-something woman. She’s smart, sexy, funny… she has the world ahead of her and a backbone to get it.
What’s she keeping from me?
Too upset to get any work done, I head out for an early lunch and call Dr. Travers on the way. Maybe he can help me out with these feelings of rage.
“Hey, Benton,” he answers, happy all the damn time. “What’s up?”
“I didn’t really expect you to answer,” I grumble. I love Dr. T; I just wish I had half of his optimism at times.
“It’s my lunch break, and I know what you’ve been going through. I saw the papers, son. I’m terribly sorry about your mother.”
“Thanks. Listen… I need to talk,” I sigh, running my hands through my hair. “You got a minute?”
“Absolutely, as long as you don’t mind me crunching in your ear,” he laughs. “What’s on your mind?”
I don’t plan on it, but I proceed to tell him everything. Every time I think I’ve heard rattling pills, to the gazed look she has at times, to the panic I see when I watch her out in public. Everything. When I’m finally done, I hear him take a breath and sigh.
Great, here we go. Now he can tell me how crazy I am for making myself fall in love with a woman who’s obviously broken.
“I’d like you to come in, Benton. Can you do that?”
“Uh… sure. When?” it’s weird he won’t talk to me over the phone. We’ve had a ton of these conversations before, but now he’s needing to see me in person?
“Thursday work for you? I have time in the evening. Six work?”
“Yeah. Sure, I’ll see you then,” I say, confused.
“Hey Benton, just don’t do anything rash right now, okay? You know the truth, everyone is safe, just… don’t let the anger get the best of you. We’ll talk Thursday, okay?”
“Great,” I mumble, hanging up.
A knock on my door makes me look up as soon as I set the phone down.
“Mr. James… there’s a Gabby Rosdale here to see you?” Sue says from my doorway, looking about as confused as I feel.
“Send her in,” I say, pissed that all I want to do is yell and ask why she lied to me.
The minute I see her, though, all the anger washes away and it’s replaced by sadness. Sadness that this woman I love feels like she can’t trust me with the truth. Jesus, all these fucking feelings. It was never like this with Carly. We were high school sweethearts; I never had these mature feelings of a new relationship with her.
“Hey, you,” I say, wrapping my arms around my life force. Gabby sighs, wrapped in my arms, then I feel her whole body shudder. “God, Gab, what’s wrong baby?” I ask in a hushed tone, gently shutting the door before wrapping my arms back around her. I thought she looked sad when she walked in, but she definitely didn’t start crying until she was here in my arms. “Hey,” I say gently, moving the hair out of her face to see her beautiful light brown eyes. Eyes that still amaze me. The right is still a little… cloudy… which worries me, but I’m sure she’s fine. It’s only like it when she seems over tired or emotional. I’ve never seen something like that on a person before, but I’m starting to believe nothing with Gabby will shock me.
She’s full on crying now, in my arms, so I take her to the couch and sit down with her. She keeps apologizing for something, but I can’t understand what she’s trying to say to me.
“Shhh,” I whisper. “It’s gonna be ok, Gab. You just need to talk to me, baby. I can’t help you until you talk to me.” I’m starting to worry something terrible happened. She’s crying so hard, shaking like she’s scared. Goddamnit.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for bothering you, I just…” she hiccups and sniffles, backing away from me and turning, so I can’t see her beautiful face. No, no she needs me, but she’s pushing me away. Why the hell is she doing this?
“Gabby, just tell me what’s wrong,” I push, walking towards her and taking her arm in my hand gently. She turns and her light brown eyes hit mine again and my heart sinks. She’s so sad. “Please.”
“They let me go,” she sniffles. “The fucking firm filled my position last week when I didn’t show.” Fuck. She was fired because of me. Shit!
“Gabby… shit. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry,” I say, taking her in my arms. She won’t let me coddle her, though. Like she doesn’t want help… which makes no sense because she came to me. What the hell is happening? “Didn’t you have leave to take?” I’m so confused why they’d fire her without any warning.
She shakes her head and sniffles.
“I haven’t been there long enough. It’s nothing. I’ll find another job, I just… after last week… and I haven’t been feeling well… and shit.” She curses, shaking her head. “God, you’re probably thinking I’m bat shit crazy right now!” her laughter fills the room, but it’s not happy laughter. It’s scared laughter.
“Gabby, I don’t think you’re crazy,” I say, taking her hands in mine. “I love you, Gabby.”
The second the words slip out of my mouth, I see her face fall, and know I didn’t exactly do that right. Fuck. Oh shit, what did I just do?
“I mean… You’re… I…” I try to justify my words. I try to make it not look so scary to her… but I can’t. I fucking love her, lies and all.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Oh,” her eyes go wide and her hands start to tremble in mine.
Well, that’s a fucking reaction someone wants to see when he or she admits their love.
“I have to go,” she whispers, and then takes out of my office like a scared cat.
What the fuck?!
Gabby
Just Relax
“Jesus Christ, Gabby! What the fuck were you thinking?” Jordan’s voice screams from behind me.
“I was fucking thinking of keeping my baby away from them!” I scream, rounding on him, preparing myself for a hit that never comes. It’s not typical of him to hit me, but he’s had his moments.
“They are your goddamned parents, Gabrielle,” he growls, stepping close enough for me to feel his breath on my skin.
Beer. It always smells like beer.
“You know, for someone four years older than me, you sure are stupid,” I snap, immediately feeling the sting on my face from his slap. There it is.
“You will let them see him.” His menacing whisper makes my skin prickle.
“Over my dead body,” I whisper, trying to keep the tremble out of my voice.
***
Jolting up in bed, covered in sweat, it takes me a moment to reacquaint myself with my surroundings.
I’m safe. I’m in my bedroom.
I’m alone.
The pills I took today when I finally made it home kicked me on my ass almost immediately. I’ve been out since then, and glancing at the clock… that was about seven hours ago. Shit. Groaning, I stand and try to clear my head from the day’s events.
I was fired today. Not even fired, but ‘let go’. Assholes were clever in their wordage, so I can’t collect anything from them, which makes it hurt even more. They were more than happy to let me have the leave last week, because, according to Lance, they’d already replaced me. Leaving my email accounts open was a mistake, leading me to believe I still would have a job walking in today, but I should have known better. I pretty much told my boss to go fuck herself last time I saw her. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t fire me right then.
My situation couldn’t be any worse right now. I lost my job… my one source of income. I have maybe a half of a month’s worth of money saved up for rent and other bills. My boyfriend just told me he loves me… which, to any other girl, would be fantastic, but to me that just means more heartbreak on the way for all of us. My best friend won’t stop bugging me about talking to my boyfriend and telling him the truth, so I now regret my decision to ever tell her about what happened to me.
This is why I try not to get attached to people! Sure, at the moment, I’m really the only one suffering, but I can’t let it get worse or I may not come back from it. I need to stay away from Benton. I need to stay inside my apartment and job hunt.
I need to get back to what I’m used to, and who I’m used to being.
Several times throughout the night of job hunting, I pick up my phone and attempt to call over Ellie, but I never do. I don’t cheat, and, without talking to Benton and officially breaking things off, I can’t just go back to my old fuck partner.
I promised Dr. Travers I’d lay low until Thursday, so that’s what I’ll do. I’ll job hunt from inside the apartment, and not leave unless it’s an emergency. The anxiety isn’t terrible between these walls. I know I’m safe here, and, if I have no contact with anyone, I can’t hurt anyone. I can stay on my low pill regimen, and not have attacks every time I see a child on the sidewalk walking without holding his mother’s hand, or every time I notice that someone’s not buckled into their car correctly. All the small things that normally go unnoticed by regular people eat at me from the inside, but, from inside my apartment, I can’t see them so they don’t exist.
The phone call from my mother a few weeks ago at work has me on edge, but I’d never tell anyone that. That’s something I won’t even tell Dr. T. I’m sure he’d have me in protective custody, and police all over me, if he found out I think she’s trying to find me. I still remember her words to me last time I saw her.
***
“You’re the reason they are dead. I hope you never forget that,” she growls from the side of me as she walks out of my child’s funeral. “If I ever see you around here again, I’ll make sure to end your sad fucking life myself.”
***
No. I’ll never tell anyone. If I stay inside, she won’t be able to find me. I’m certain of that.
By the time the sun is coming up, I’m exhausted. I’ve sent out about twenty resumes to places through online sites, not really hoping for any of them to contact me, but at least I’m looking. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore. Working for a big wig lawyer as a peon attorney wasn’t doing it for me. I know I’ll be paying off student loans for it for forever and a day, but I need something to numb the pain and make me work, not something that will send me into panic attacks every time I start a new case.
Honestly, nothing feels right anymore. It’s been almost twenty-four hours since Benton said those words to me, and all I can think about is how much I hurt him when I ran and didn’t look back. I know he expected me to say them back, and I do feel that way, but I can’t say it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, I know I love him with my whole heart and then some, but I can’t be with him like that. I’ve already proven how much I can hurt someone just by my actions yesterday. Staying with him would just cause the pain to be worse. Life crippling.
By the time Thursday is here, I’ve showered once and changed right back into my pajamas. I’ve not taken my pills yet and I missed last night’s dose, too. I’m starting not to care if I become the crazy cat lady anymore. This life of being alone is a lot easier than worrying if I’m going to ruin someone else’s life. Even if the pain from losing him hurts more than I care to admit.
“Hey,” Annaliese says, walking into my apartment. I heard her buzz in. I heard her key in the handle and the soft click of the door as she closed it behind her. I heard it all, but I didn’t move from my spot. Now, she’s standing here, hands crossed in front of her with a worried expression on her face.
I hate that I told her the truth. This is what happens when people know the truth. They get sad around you. I don’t need her to be sad, I need her to be my upbeat backbone that she’s always been.
“Hi,” I mutter, my eyes glued to the spot on the TV that’s gone blank. One fucking spot in the entire fifty two inch plasma screen, but I can’t stop staring at it. It’s amazing how one small spot giving out affects the way the entire picture changes.
“So, you’ve not been out of the house for a while?” She eyes the takeout boxes stacked on the counter and chuckles. I shake my head, taking a sip of my water and setting it back down. Without words, she starts cleaning up my mess from these last few days. Boxes in the trash, floors swept. Swiffer ran across the tabletops and shelves.
“You’re too good to me, bitch,” I manage, looking around at her speedy progress. At least, I think it was speedy. Honestly, I don’t remember what time she got here, or how long she’s been cleaning silently. She smiles at me, and plops on the couch.
Yoga pants, an old t-shirt, hair pulled in a bun… She’s a hot mess, but it makes me smile because lately all I’ve seen her in has been the designer clothes, makeup and heels that she works in. It’s nice seeing my best friend hasn’t lost herself to Mr. Chicago.
“So, you want to tell me what’s going on?” She crosses her legs under her, and starts playing with a corner of one of my pillows. Her gaze on the pillow hurts my heart, because I know it’s only to not show me how much she’s hurting from the sudden withdrawal of her best friend.
I’ve never gotten this low around her. I’ve never had a spot in my life since I’ve known Annaliese that I just kind of said ‘fuck it’ and given up on life. She’s never seen me like this, but, since she knows the truth now, I really don’t have to hide anything from her anymore. It’s nice in a way that I don’t have to be the Gabby that everyone thinks they know in front of her, but it still hurts when she directs that sad gaze at me.
“I’m fine,” I mutter, staring at the pillow in her hands.
It’s a hand me down pillow. It came from my grandma’s house, the only house I ever felt safe in.
“You know, Gabby… I wish you would talk to someone. You might not want to talk to me about what’s bothering you, but you need to talk to someone.”
Her words remind me of the appointment this afternoon. Maybe he can help me get through this. I smile and chuckle softly.
“Annaliese, you know me all too well,” I say, pasting on the fake smile that she wants to see. Apparently, me being real with her doesn’t sit well with her sunny outlook on life. “I’ll do that this afternoon. Promise.”
She smiles and nods, and we spend the rest of the morning watching horrible soap operas on TV, making fun of the dramatic plot twists and over dramatic acting. She comments on the storyline, and I silently nod along, agreeing with her all the way… even if some of them are too close to home to feel the same about.
By the time my appointment comes, I’ve cleaned up and brushed my teeth. I’ve never needed to bother with makeup or primping before an appointment with Dr. T because, typically, I end up in tears anyway. He’s seen me at my worst, and he still is there to help me, so, for that, I’m thankful.
Making it to the office about fifteen minutes before my appointment, I watch the people streaming in and out of the three doctor office. All three doctors are in their late sixties, all brothers, and all therapists. Each specializes in their own areas, one being marriages, one being pediatrics, and one being trauma and PTSD patients.
Dr. Travers deals with PTSD patients.
“Gabby,” Maryanne, one of the receptionists for the office, calls me back. “He’s ready for you. Head on in, dear.”
I smile and thank her, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear shyly. I’ve been coming here for years, but I still have a hint of self-consciousness when it comes to being in a shrink’s office.
“Gabby, glad you could make it,” he says, standing from his desk and meeting me at the door. He does his usual hug, then closes the door behind him, and turns on the ‘occupied’ light. Propping himself on one side of the couch, I sit on the other and take a calming breath.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s been on your mind lately, Gabby?” His smooth voice immediately calms me, like my brain knows this is a safe place.
“I’ve been seeing someone… as you know,” I say, and he nods, silently watching me. “He told me he loves me,” I whisper, staring at the floor. This office is old, but the doctors here try to keep it up to date at least. It’s a nice touch that they are willing to come into a new century of decoration merely for their patients’ comfort.
“I see,” he mutters, taking notes. “So, you didn’t like that?”
“I don’t know what to feel!” I erupt, suddenly on edge because this is the first time I’ve actually had to voice my real feelings for Benton. “I love him! I do. I love him more than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. Definitely more than I love myself, but it’s fucking scary! It’s scary to think that he has a little girl, and he’s still mourning the loss of his wife last year. His mom just passed away… I could ruin everything he has left!”
Pacing back and forth, now I feel like a completely crazy person.
“Why do you think that?” Dr. T asks, watching me without a care in the world. Like this is normal.
I guess for my sessions it is pretty normal, but usually I’m crying, not frantic.
“Because.” I stop pacing and shrug. “I ruin everything, don’t I?”
He narrows his eyes at me, and put the pen down. “I don’t like to hear that, Gabby. You weren’t the reason for the accident that night. You weren’t the one that took those lives. It wasn’t you. All your life, you’ve been hearing that you’re not good enough and you’ll never be anything, but now you have someone that loves you and you’re willing to walk away before even giving it a true shot?” He raises his eyebrows in question, and my mouth flaps like I’m going to have a witty comeback for him… but I’ve got nothing.
“You told me he lost his mom last week. He lost his wife last year. He has a baby, Gabby. He might not be a knight in a Porsche, riding off into the sunset and going on exotic vacations, but if someone who’s been through that much loss can love again… I mean, he has a daughter, he wouldn’t just go around proclaiming love to the first woman he meets, don’t you think?”
He has a point. Benton’s been through as much heartbreak as I have, and has had less time to process it as me. I can’t say I’ve processed well, but if he’s willing to put his heart out there again, why can’t I? I know what I feel; I’m not stupid. I know these last few days without him have hurt more than the constant thought that I’m going to end up hurting one of them. That alone should be my sign that I need to give it a real go. I need to tell him my feelings.
“You’re right,” I say, calming a little and sitting back on the couch. “I think it’s time I tell him how I feel. I need to apologize,” I whisper.
“Gabby, have you told him the truth yet? Does he know what happened to you?”
My eyes flick to his, and I start to panic. “No. No, he doesn’t, but… but, if I… if I tell him-”
“He’s going to want to help you, Gabby. He’s not running from you. Not now, not ever. You have to have a little more faith in the man,” he says, almost like he’s getting annoyed with me. Like he’s rooting for Benton without even knowing him. It’s cool that I have a shrink that isn’t afraid to show his emotions, but I want to be coddled, dammit! At least a little bit.
“I know,” I mutter. “It’s just scary… that’s all.”
“Eventually, you have to let go of your fear and start to trust him,” he says, shrugging. “I have a client booked after you, Gabby. Let’s talk about the medicine you’ve been misusing,” he says, signaling for me to move on from my pity party.
He’s right, though. I do need to put more trust in Benton, and in myself. What could telling him everything hurt?
Everything. It could hurt everything.
We spend the rest of my hour talking about ways other than meds to help calm myself. He wants to start seeing me once a week again until things normalize, which I’m okay with. If talking shit out with my shrink helps me keep a straight head on my shoulders, I’m down. By the end of the appointment, I feel better about the situation with Benton and I’m no longer stressed about the job situation either. Dr. T has a strange way of calming me.
“So, I’ll see you next week, then? I’ll leave this block open for you every week if this works?” he says, ushering me to the door. Strange, he never walks me out of his office.
“Yeah. That works,” I mutter, trying to keep my head down. I hate looking at the people in the waiting room. They all know I’m crazy when I walk out of his office, and I don’t like it when they stare.
“Great, I’ll see you then,” he says, and opens the door for me to leave as he calls the next patient in.
“Benton, you ready?” his voice rings from behind me, and I immediately jerk my head up to see Benton’s worried face staring at me. Fuck.
“Uh… Yeah,” he mutters, then nods at me as he follows Dr. T back to his office, only looking back once to make sure he wasn’t seeing something.
I stand there in shock that that just happened, staring at the door as it clicks closed behind him.
What the hell?