Текст книги "CRAZY"
Автор книги: M. Dauphin
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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
Benton
Mom
Watching Gabby walk back to my house with my baby girl is the most beautiful sight I think I’ve ever seen. She’s intuitive with Hannah, like she’s done the ‘hanging out with a child’ thing before, but, from what I know about her, I know she doesn’t have kids or siblings or anyone in her life that would make that possible. Maybe she’s just a naturally maternal person. I’ve known her for months, she’s my best friend’s fiancé’s best friend, so I trust her with my girl. Actually, I’m not worried one bit about the two of them. I know they’ll be just fine.
What I am worried about, though, is what’s going on with my mom. My dad didn’t have any information other than he found her on the floor of the kitchen, blood coming from a wound on her head. That’s all I have to go on, and this taxi ride is taking way too fucking long. I can’t get there fast enough.
By the time the cab stops in front of the hospital entrance, I’m already halfway out before it comes to a complete stop. Thank God for card swipe machines in the back of those things now. I swiped my card right off the bat, so I could get out and run to my family. They need me.
I need them.
I find my dad in the corner of the ER waiting room, wringing his hands together with worry. A simple gesture that I remember seeing a lot in my childhood. As an adult, I notice it and realize it’s worry, but, as a kid, I had no clue. They worked so hard to keep me happy and upbeat like any other child, but now I know the struggles they went through. The things they sacrificed for me. Now that I’m older, I want to repay that. I need to.
“Hey,” I whisper, sitting next to him. His glances over at me, and his arm immediately goes around my shoulders.
“Oh god, Benton. I… I don’t know,” he starts with a strained voice, but stops himself and clears his throat. “I’m not sure what’s going on. She wasn’t coherent the entire way over here in the ambulance. I haven’t seen her beautiful eyes since I left for golf this morning. I just need to see her. I have to know she’s okay... I don’t know what happened, son.”
“She’s a fighter, dad. She’ll be okay.”
“I pray so,” he sighs.
Sitting in the hospital takes me back to a year ago. When they called me down to the morgue to verify that it was, indeed, Carly in the car when it crashed. It was a different hospital, and it wasn’t the ER waiting room, but still… the smell starts getting to me after a while.
“Hey,” I say, standing. “Let’s go get some fresh air,” I offer, reaching my hand out to help him up.
After a moment of thought, he stands and glances towards the doors that he’s seen doctors coming out of all afternoon, just to be let down that he hasn’t been called for Mom yet.
“I’ll let them know we’ll be outside,” I offer, helping him towards the door, stopping by the desk on the way. He seems ten times frailer since the last time I saw him, or maybe it’s being here in this situation that has me thinking about life and death. My parents definitely aren’t getting any younger. Luckily, though, up until now, we’ve had no health scares in the family. No chronic illness, no cancer, no deaths. It’s been pretty smooth sailing, so, for this to happen so suddenly, probably has my dad on high alert that life isn’t as long as it once was for him.
By the time we make it outside, it’s almost dark and I make sure to pull out my phone and check on Hannah. Shooting a quick text to Gabby once I finally have reception, I slide my phone back in my pocket and take a seat next to my dad.
“You know, we used to talk about traveling when we were older,” he says, staring at his fingers. “She wanted to go to France. I promised her the Eiffel Tower at night.” He sighs and rakes his hands through his hair.
“Stop talking in past tense, Dad. She’s gonna be fine.” I huff, not wanting to start dwelling on the negative. “She’s in a great hospital, she’s getting great care, I’m sure she’s fine. They probably are just running slow, like any other hospital in this area.”
“You didn’t see her, Benton. Her skin was graying… her fingers were chilled. You didn’t see it, Benton,” he whispers pained.
“Dad, she still had a heartbeat when you guys got here, didn’t she?” I ask frantically. What is he not telling me?
“I-”
“Mr. James?” A nurse calls from the doors of the waiting room that lead out into the courtyard. “Mr. Eric James?” She looks around, and, when my dad stands, her eyes find him and she smiles sadly.
Sadly. Fuck.
“Hey, Dad, you want me to come with you?” I ask, putting my hand on his shoulder.
He looks at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen on him and just nods. That’s it. He doesn’t smile; he doesn’t speak. It’s like he knows something I don’t. The nurse leads us into an office just down the hallway and tells us the doctor will be in any minute.
“They normally call you to take you to the patient,” he mumbles, staring at the dark wood desk in front of us. This must be a secondary office, because it’s not riddled with papers or phones or computers. Just a few pens, a few files of some sort, and dust.
“I’m sure it’s because they’re busy and want to update us on everything, so we don’t worry,” I say, trying to convince myself the words I’m saying are true. Honestly, I can’t think anything but negative things at this point in the game, but I’m trying to stay positive for my dad.
He grunts his response, and nods, as we wait silently for some type of news.
It has to be happy news. She can’t be gone. The last thing I told her was a lie… that I wasn’t seeing anyone… the last conversation I have with my mom will not be based on a lie. She’s got to be happy and healthy, and just resting somewhere while the doctors make their rounds. I can’t live without my mom. My dad can’t live without my mom. I still remember when we had to go without her for a week when I was a teenager. It was terrible. I lived off mac and cheese and pop tarts for six days straight because my dad can’t cook like her. He missed her so badly that all he did was waste away in front of the TV. I went to school and came home, and I swear he didn’t move from his spot on the couch. She was gone, trying to help nurse her father back to health, but, with them living five hours away, it was no use for her to come back home. When she finally did, my dad made sure to be the best he could be around her so she never left again. They love each other harder than I’ve ever seen a couple love. I can only wish one day I’ll find that love again. I had it with Carly, and, though we had our rough times (like every couple does), I swore we’d be the happy couple ‘till death. I just didn’t know death would strike so soon. Now, I’m a thirty year old single father to a baby I adopted the day my wife passed.
I thought I had everything in my world finally in neat little boxes, and, in one day, everything changed. Now, here we are again, almost a year later, waiting for news in a hospital. My phone dings and I smile, seeing a picture Gabby sent of her and Hannah eating dinner. Spaghetti it is, and Hannah is covered in red sauce. Another message dings through and I open it, remembering to silence my phone before I go on.
Gabby: Bath night tonight. Sorry
I shoot her a quick text back, smiling as I type.
Benton: Looks fun, wish I was there. Will call once we hear something.
All I get back is a symbol for a response, but it still warms my heart.
Gabby: <3
Her message reminds me that I have people waiting for me at home. I have a life that I can live because I was spared from being in the car with Carly that night, because I had people that would need me. My mom is going to be okay, because she has people that need her. She needs to live for us, and for herself. She’s young. She’s healthy. There’s no way she … I can’t even think it!
This can’t be happening again. There’s no way God would put me through something like this again. This can’t happen… it isn’t happening.
“Mr. James…” my father and I hear as the door opens. As we turn, we see a man in blue scrubs walk into the room. Dreary.
“Yes. That’s me. This… uh… this is my son, Benton. Benton James,” my father stammers nervously as he shakes the doctor’s hand. I follow suit, and the doctor smiles sadly.
I remember smiles like that.
“Mr. James,” he addresses my father. “I have some unfortunate news for you.”
Those words. Unfortunate news.
Unfortunate news would be a rained out ball game. Unfortunate news would be missing the train to work and being late. What’s about to come out of his mouth isn’t unfortunate news. It’s news that’s going to devastate an entire family.
I can just feel it.
“You wife is no longer with us, Mr. James,” he says empathetically. Like he’s gone through this shock before.
Shock doesn’t even register at this point. It feels like I’ve been hit with a ninety-pound barbell right in the middle of my chest. Silently sobbing next to me, my father can’t form any coherent sentences and it’s up to me to step up, but I’m having a hard time finding my breath.
“She’s gone?” I manage, fighting back tears that threaten. “Oh, God,” I whisper, slumping in my chair, feeling like I’m going to vomit. “Oh, fuck.” Moaning, I lean forward and hang my head between my knees, trying to find something… some sort of level feeling when my entire being wants to give up.
This can’t be happening.
“Mr. James, both of you, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your wife had an aortic aneurysm. It had started to burst when she got here, which is what must have caused her to fall and hit her head. Blood flow had slowed, causing her to faint. By the time we got in, and saw what we were dealing with… it was too late. She was already gone.” He purses his lips together sadly and watches us, hands clasped in front of him. Like watching an angry bear ready to attack.
I feel numb. I can’t cry, though I feel the knot welling up. I can’t get mad because I need to be here for my dad. I can’t speak, because everything that comes out is going to be anger at the man that didn’t save my mother.
“If it’s any consolation, she wasn’t in pain when she left us,” he says, standing and clearing his throat. “If you would like to say goodbye, we have her cleaned up for you. We like to give the family the option, but it’s completely up to you.”
My dad’s gaze watches him with puffy eyes, like he does not comprehend what the doctor is saying to him.
“Dad,” I whisper. “We need to tell her goodbye.”
Fuck this hurts.
He doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head from side to side, then looks over at me, and bursts into tears again. I know his hurt. I felt the same pain when I lost Carly last year. He lost his life partner. His forever love.
“Come on, Dad,” I say, helping him stand up. Fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this right now. I shouldn’t have to tell my mother goodbye. I shouldn’t be walking back through the gates of hell again. This can’t be real. It has to be a joke.
But it’s not.
As the door to the room they are keeping her in opens, I smell it first.
Death.
The gray skin on my mother’s face doesn’t match her usual colorful life filled cheeks. Her hands, limp at the table, will never hold my baby girl again. Oh God, Hannah. Pain sears through my body at the thought of having to explain to my girl that grandma won’t be able to watch her anymore. That she won’t be here for her anymore.
Fuck me.
“I’ll give you two a moment,” the doctor whispers, clicking the door closed behind him.
I glance over at my father and he’s just standing there, holding my mom’s lifeless hand. She’s clean. There’s no more blood from the fall, no signs of any trauma. I’ve heard people say their loved ones finally look at peace when they die, but peace on my mother doesn’t look like this. It looks like her holding Hannah, rocking her to sleep, dancing with my father in the kitchen. It looks like everything we’ll never have again.
“Dad,” I choke out, wiping the tear from my face. “Dad,” I manage again, going to his side. “Oh God, mom,” I cry, falling to my knees, my dad sliding down with me.
The hurt I feel is nothing compared to his, but I still feel it. I still feel the pain, the tears, and everything. The thought of Hannah not knowing how much her grandma loved her makes the hurt and anger swirl inside me, until I feel like I could take out every doctor that didn’t save my mother, every doctor in this fucking hospital that failed us.
“Benton,” my dad whispers. “She loved you, son. More than anything. I hope you know that,” he manages. It’s the most words he’s spoken since he heard the news.
Then, it clicks. The pain I’m feeling is because of Hannah and how she’s going to react to it. I’m more worried about my child at this point, and her growing up without a grandma. My dad, the man holding on to me for dear life, is hurting for me. He’s hurting because he’s alone now, and he knows how close my mom and I were. He’s hurting every single hurt I could possibly hurt times ten.
When the doctor comes back into the room, we’ve composed ourselves enough and say our final goodbyes to my mom. Well, to her body. She’s not in there anymore.
Walking out of the hospital, shock settling in that my dad has to go home alone tonight. Every night. I know that feeling, and it’s not a fun one. Not at all.
“Hey, you need me to come with you tonight?” I ask, remembering that he has to go home and clean her blood off the floor still. Shit.
“No.” He stops next to the doors of the hospital. “I need to go home and clean up.” He mutters something about the blood, and my heart sinks a little more for him. He shouldn’t have to go back by himself and do this all alone, but he’s so stubborn that I know he’s not going to let me come along.
I grab a cab, not wanting to make my dad drive around any more than he needs to tonight, and call Gabby three times on the drive home. Missing every call, I try to tell myself that they are just sleeping, but with all the bad that happened tonight, I just need to know everyone else is okay.
By the time we pull in front of my building, I’ve already paid and am out of the cab and inside the building in no time. Waiting for the elevator, I check my messages and notice nothing new has come through since the heart from Gabby. Christ, I hope everything is okay.
When the doors open, my heart sinks even more when I notice the couple walking out of the elevator.
“Adam?” I blurt.
When Annaliese’s eyes hit mine, I know something’s not right.
“What’s wrong?”
Gabby
Fade to Black
Walking to the park alone on crowded streets is hard enough for me to do without having an attack. I don’t do crowds well. Walking an unfamiliar route to someone else’s house with their child in tow is a whole new level of anxiety. My hands grip the stroller tight, leaving indents on my fingers, but I’m not letting go for anything. The thought that someone could rip her away from me, and I’d be the cause of ruining Benton’s life, runs through my head the entire time I speed walk back to his place. By the time we make it up the elevator and inside, locking the door behind us, I’m out of breath and on the edge of a breakdown already. Hannah is starving and keeps yelling at me to eat, even signing ‘eat’ by putting her fingertips to her lips. I only know this because I, at one point, thought I’d be teaching my child the same thing.
The maternal feeling and instincts are all still there, hiding in the darkness, but, with Hannah, it all feels natural. She’s low key, and eats what I put in front of her. The fussing stops after she has food in her belly and, shortly after snack time, she’s passed out on my shoulder in the rocking chair. I could lay her down. I should lay her down. But I don’t. I don’t because SIDS is a real thing, and I can’t be the one here if that were to happen. So, instead, I stay curled up on the rocker-recliner with her, scrolling through my phone. I’ve texted Benton a few times, but there’s been no response. If I know hospitals the way I used to, he probably doesn’t have good service in there, but I keep texting. Sending him winks, pictures… anything to help his day go smoother. I’m unsure what’s going on, but it’s already been a few hours with no word.
By the time Hannah wakes up, it’s close to dinnertime. We play for a while, stacking blocks… knocking them down… stacking them again. This goes on for about three minutes, until she’s bored of that game and on to another one. She’s busy, and wants to be independent, but she’s not quite there yet. Cruising along the sofa, she makes her way to the remote and starts chewing on it.
“Gross, Hannah,” I scoff, taking it from her just to hear her start to wail. “Okay, okay… uh… here,” I say, turning it on and finding some sort of happy colored kids show. She stops crying immediately, and is glued to the TV.
Fine with me. I need to make dinner.
After putting Hannah in the waiting Pack-N Play, I head to the kitchen to see what type of dinner I can make us. I should know him better than I do. I should have known someone with a body like his, with abs like his, would be a health freak when it came to eating. It takes me digging to the back of the pantry, but I find a box of spaghetti and a can of sauce that still are good, so I opt for an easy dinner and get to work. Kids love spaghetti, right?
So right.
Hannah squeals when she realizes that she’s going to get to eat soon, and, as soon as she sees the spaghetti, it’s everything I can do to keep her out of her high chair before it’s dinnertime. I never got to this part of motherhood. I was never allowed to get stressed over screaming kids at dinnertime.
And, unfortunately, the alarm going off on my phone right now is reminding me why.
Fuck.
“Shit, shit, shit,” I mutter, racing to turn it off. A few hours ago, the noise level in this apartment was bearable, with the soft snores of Hannah sleeping. Add in a hyper girl, cartoons, an oven beeping with garlic bread that’s burning, a phone alarm screaming, and we’ve just probably broken noise records. I can already tell the meds from earlier are starting to wear off, so I’m happy to be getting my evening dose.
Turning the alarm off and grabbing my purse for my backup pills, it’s not until I empty my entire bag out that I realize they aren’t there. The bottle is completely empty. Holy shit, how can that be? Has it been that bad lately that even my back up bottle is empty? When did that even happen?
Oh, God. I can’t be here right now. I took so many meds this morning that, pretty soon, they are all going to crash through my system and I’m not sure what I’ll be like when that happens. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
“Hannah, it’s coming,” I say in a soothing voice to try and calm the screaming kid. I can’t stop now. She’s hungry, I’m hungry, and we both need to eat. I’ll feed her, then figure out what to do about my pills. I’ve never missed a dose, so I can’t miss this one. I’m not stable enough on a consistent regimen; I’d hate to know what I look like when I miss a dose.
Benton texts in the middle of dinner, so I snap a picture of his girl full of spaghetti, messy as can be, and giggle looking at her. She’s going to need a bath tonight. That’ll be good. Clean her up, spend the night snuggling, and take my mind off the fact that I have no pills. Hopefully, he’ll be home soon enough and I’ll be able to get back to my place and get my dose.
When he texts me back, I can feel the stress through the words in his text. I don’t know what he’s going through, I don’t know what happened, but I have to come across as the strong one here. I have to be strong for him and Hannah. He can’t know I’m silently freaking out that I’ll hurt his daughter, or myself, if tonight ends up not going well. I text him back a heart, because something like today can’t even begin to be processed into text messages, then go on my way finishing up dinner and start to get Hannah cleaned.
Bath time with an almost one year old is insane. Water everywhere, toys everywhere, and the screaming when I have to wash her hair is insane. Enough to get my heart racing again for the tenth time this evening. I can tell I’m starting to crash from the overload on meds this morning, and I now feel like maybe that was a bad idea, but I never would have thought I’d end up alone with a one year old for all these hours. I still haven’t heard from Benton about his mom, and I’m starting to worry that something is seriously wrong.
By the time Hannah is finished in the bathtub, she’s a hot wrinkly mess of over-tired and cranky baby. I try everything I can think of to calm her, but the more she screams, the more my heart races. I just want to walk away from her, but I can’t walk away from a crying baby. I just want to let her cry, but I feel like I can’t do that. Each piercing scream that comes out of her little throat starts to sound more and more like his screams the night of the accident. Every blink of my eyes, I see the wreckage, the fire. I see it all, and it’s not long before I can’t take it anymore.
Setting Hannah in her crib, I frantically pace the apartment to try to calm myself. A cool rag to the face, cold water over my arms, deep breaths. Nothing works. She’s still screaming, and I can tell my vision is starting to blur, the panic welling inside of me more and more, setting my entire body off.
This can’t be happening.
Moving for my phone, I call Benton only to get put straight through to voicemail. Trying again with trembling hands, three more times I’m sent to voicemail. He has no reception. I can’t be here alone with her right now. I can’t do this.
“Shit,” I mumble, fumbling with my phone. My hands are shaking more and more, and I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I can’t get this under control.
So I call the only other person I trust to help me and not judge. Annaliese.
“Gabby?” There’s a ton of noise in the background, and I suddenly feel terrible for bothering them when they are obviously busy. I need her though. This is so scary, and I’m about to completely black out if I don’t calm myself.
“I need you, Ann,” I start to say, then the tears start. I hate admitting I need help. I hate admitting there’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I haven’t. Ever. To anyone. Annaliese doesn’t even know a third of the things I’ve gone through. Shit, why won’t Hannah stop crying?!
“Gabby, what’s wrong?” she says, beginning to sound frantic.
“I can’t… I need…” I start gasping for air, and I know it’s only a matter of time. FUCK! “Annie, I need you,” I whimper, squeezing my eyes shut as the room starts to spin.
“Where are you?” she demands. I hear voices in the background, and vaguely remember hearing a loud noise before finally answering.
“Benton’s,” is all I can get out, then everything goes black.
***
“You know what you’re worth,” my mother growls, hovering over me. “Nothing. You’re a piece of shit nothing that can’t ever keep anything good. That boy was all you had, and you made him go away. Now, you’re fucking stuck in here with me. This motherfucking apartment isn’t even big enough for the two of us,” she growls, kicking me while I’m down.
I never knew she felt that strongly about him. I know she hates me, but I always thought she hated everything about me, but apparently she loves my boyfriend. Mothers are supposed to be kind and gentle and caring. Mine is anything but.
Limping to my room, I lock the door and curl into the bed, rubbing my protruding stomach where she kicked me.
“One of these days we’ll be out of here, buddy,” I whisper, willing myself to sleep.
***
“Gabby!” I hear her voice through the darkness, but I can’t find her. “Gabby, wake up.” Frantic hands find my arms and I moan, cursing the pain radiating through my body. “Jesus Christ, Gabby wake UP!”
“I’m going in to check on Hannah,” a male voice says.
Not my Benton. He’s not here for me.
“Gabby,” Annaliese whispers, pulling my body into her arms, as I start to weep. I can’t open my eyes to see the look on her face. I can’t look around to see what happened while I was out. I don’t want to know what time it is because I don’t want to know how long I was out. I can’t do this. This is so fucking embarrassing. “Please talk to me, Gab,” Annaliese whispers as my tears slow to a halt.
“I can’t,” I mumble, trying to pick myself up from the floor only to fail miserably. Huffing, I curse and sit up straight, at least. She doesn’t need to support all of my crazy.
“What the hell, Gabby? You had me worried sick,” she says, her hands fidgeting in front of her. I feel so fucking bad that I made them come save my crazy ass. I feel so fucking bad I passed out while watching Benton’s baby girl.
“Oh, god! Hannah!” Getting up from the floor in record time, I sprint into the bedroom where Adam’s rocking her. “Oh shit,” I whisper, him glaring at me.
“She’s fine. She woke up when I came in the room,” he whispers.
“She was asleep?” I ask nervously.
“Yes,” he snips, the glare on his face not relaxing. I take that as I’m not welcome in the room, so I walk back out slowly to Annaliese who has gotten a glass of water and is waiting on the couch for me.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on, Gab?” She offers me the water, and watches me gulp it down. Shit, I need to get home to take my pills, but I can’t ask them to stay with Hannah, and, last I checked, I couldn’t get a hold of Benton. What the hell happened to him? I hope everything’s okay.
“I’d rather not,” I say honestly, watching her reaction go from sad to hurt instantly. Shit. “Look, Ann… It’s such a long story…” I sigh and curse, wrapping my arms around my knees. Everything in my body aches right now, but that’s nothing compared to the pain I’m going to feel when Benton finds out about this. He’s going to leave me for good. I just know it.
“I’m here, Gabby. I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me. You’re my best friend; I need you to talk. Please,” she whispers. I see the hurt on her face, and notice the glare in her eyes. Sighing, I close my eyes, and remember the first attack I had in front of her.
I told her it was just panic because of school. I told her I’d be okay, and not to worry. She believed me at the time. This time, I don’t think I’m going to get away with that simple of an answer.
“Annaliese, you don’t want to hear it all.” I sigh, watching her scoot closer to me.
“I do, though. I’m hurt that you’ve been keeping things from me, Gab. I thought we could tell each other anything.”
“I know… and we are….” I stop, watching her hands come around mine to stop them from fidgeting.
“Gabby, you need an outlet. Something, someone to talk to. Please,” she pleads.
Annaliese is the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have. If I can’t tell her, I’ll never be able to tell anyone.
“It all started twelve years ago, Ann,” I huff. “That’s a hell of a lot of storytelling to do,” I warn.
“I’m here, bitch. Let Adam get his uncle snuggle time in. We’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”
She gives me the eye that she gives me when her determination is set. I’m not getting around this tonight.
So, I tell her.
“I was young,” I say. “I had a very rough childhood. My mom was abusive, and my dad was a drunk. Ann, I never planned for anything past high school because I didn’t think I’d be alive to see past the age of 18. When it happened… when I got pregnant… that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I actually had something, for the first time in my life, to look forward to.” I stop, taking a breath, knowing there’s no more easy part of the story to tell. Then, I go on. I tell her everything. About Jordan and how he was abusive, how I tried to break it off. I tell her that living now without a child is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I leave out the gory details of that night. I tell her about Benton and our relationship, and, when I finally stop talking, the tears streaming down her face hurt more than anything.
“I don’t want pity,” I whisper. “I don’t want things to change now.”
“Oh, Gabby… I don’t pity you. I love you, Gab. You’re like a sister to me.” She takes a breath and tries to collect herself. “I… I’m so sorry I never asked.”
“Ann, you had no reason to. I hide it from everyone. You’re the first person I’ve ever opened up to since it happened.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“Go on like normal,” I say, shrugging.
“But Ben-”
“Stop. No… there’s no way I’m telling him and, if you blab to anyone, I’ll cut you,” I growl. She laughs and shakes her head at me, smiling.
“I love you, bitch.”
“Yeah, yeah, stop getting mushy. Take your man home. I think he wants to murder me after tonight. The death rays he was sending me were enough to kill earlier.”
“He’s a very loyal person, Gab. He loves and protects hard. He’s just worried about all of you.”
She has a point. He’s never shown me anything but kindness and he loves Hannah. I smile and nod, accepting her words as true, if anything just to calm her and make her leave.
I want her out so I can refocus my energy to get off the couch. I’d never tell her, but I don’t think I can move right now. I need rest. I need aspirin. I need my meds. Most of all, though… I need Benton.
