Текст книги "CRAZY"
Автор книги: M. Dauphin
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Текущая страница: 3 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
Benton
Rage
She wants me to leave, but her eyes are begging me to stay. I know it. I know that look. That’s the independent but needy Gabby shining through unintentionally. That’s the woman that wants me to leave her alone while holding her on the couch. This look in her eyes tells me everything I need to know. She wants me. She doesn’t want to push me away.
Then, why is she?
“Gab, screw the meeting. You need me right now.”
“I don’t need you, Benton,” she hisses. I’d be insulted, but I saw that look. She’s angry now, hell maybe she’s embarrassed, though she has no reason to be, but I saw that look she gave me. “I’m fine. Please… Please go back to your meeting. You can call me when it’s over. Hell, you can come over when you’re finished with it, but I need you to give me a few to… just give me a few, okay?”
Her eyes are pleading something, her hands still shaking, and she’s starting to flick the band again. I feel like I’ve heard something about the bands before. Are they used for suicidal patients? Is it just a nervous habit? Does she really like pain? Why can’t she just tell me?!
“Gab-“
“No, Benton. No. I’m going home. You’re going to your meeting. I’ll see you afterwards.” She puts her hands on her hips, and I know that’s it. She’s not letting me fight this anymore.
“Fine. I’ll call you as soon as I’m done.” She nods, and sighs, as I kiss her and sneak out of the bathroom.
“Take long enough, dude?” Adam eyes me as I sit back in my chair. Thankfully, our guest hasn’t arrived yet, because I need to calm the fuck down.
“Everything okay, man?” Adam smiles as he sees our potential client arrive at the restaurant. “Let’s do this.”
“Perfect,” I grumble, watching the leggy blondes saunter over to the table. There’s no way Annaliese is letting him go through with this.
“Ladies,” Adam smiles, shaking their hands.
Uh… no thanks.
Smiling, I extend a hand out of politeness, making a mental note not to use it until I wash it. I’m not a germaphobe, but seriously, these woman probably hold more germs than the entire city of Chicago. To say we’re doing illegal business right now isn’t exactly true. These ladies do run a legal business… and then some. They want to expand, but can’t do so without Adam’s help.
“So, Mrs. Allister, tell us a little about your business,” Adam says after the waitress takes our order.
“Oh, well we sell high end re-sale items.” The one on the left smiles. “And we want to expand.”
Her fake smile is rubbing Adam raw, I can tell by the clenching of his jaw. We both know why they are here, so why is she wasting time with her ‘side’ business? The way they’ve been eyeballing both of us all lunch is incredibly irritating. Really, everything about these girls strikes me as wrong, but what Adam wants, Adam gets.
“Listen, girls. I have to get home to my fiancé. We have a very important wedding coming up, so, if you plan on wasting my time beating around the bush, you can go home now. I need straight forward, and I needed it yesterday,” Adam says in the most polite way possible, but the looks on their faces say that they are anything but pleased with it.
Trying not to chuckle, I clear my throat a few times, then nod at Adam while taking a sip of water.
“He’s right. We have a lot of important shit to get to,” I say, seeing the glare from Adam for cussing on a business lunch. Who does he think we’re meeting with?! They’re prostitutes!
“Mr. Callahan, Mr. James, we’d like you to help fund our resale business legally, and under the table we will be using the money to start up a high end call girl and call boy service for the higher ups in the city of Chicago.” The woman on the right smiles, like she’s better than the girl on the left because she has the balls to actually say it.
Well congratulations, girls, your moms must be proud.
Adam starts talking numbers, and I block him out. The minute Annaliese gets word of this wild hare he’s got, she’s going to be pissed he even considered the idea, let alone thought he could actually get away with it. Hell, she’s not really the jealous type, but if word ever gets back to her about this lunch meeting… shit, Adam might be sleeping on my couch for the next week.
By the time it’s over he’s finished with them and I can tell he really wants to work with them. He’s smiling, thanking them, and promising to call them soon.
“Right,” I scoff, as soon they leave the table.
“What?” Adam grumbles, paying the bill and standing.
“How you think you’re gonna pull that one off?” I smile as he narrows his eyes at me.
“How was Gabby in the bathroom, B?”
Fuck.
“Adam,” I warn.
“Hey… not my place, Benton. Right? I wouldn’t run to tell anyone about the 15 minutes that you spent in the bathroom with my fiancé’s best friend. Bros before hos… and all that shit.”
Fuck fuck fuck.
“I’m taking the rest of the day off,” I grunt, getting up from the table, and heading towards the door.
“Too hot of a mess for me, man. Enjoy your balls while you still have them,” he jokes, then shudders exaggeratedly.
“Tomorrow, Adam.” I nod, ignoring his antics and head back to the office to close out my shit for the day. My appointment is in an hour, but I’m already sitting in the waiting room. I haven’t talked to Dr. Travers in a month, and so much has happened this last month that I’ll be lucky if I can get it all in this weekend.
By the time my wait is up, I’ve completely worked myself up into an almost rage. Why would she want to live her life like this, hopping form one person to the next? Why can’t she fucking commit to me? We’re fucking perfect for each other… why can’t she see that?
“Benton,” Dr Travers says, eyeing me as I pick at the wood of the old chair. “Mind telling me what’s on your mind? Last month you were doing pretty good, but today you look… well, why don’t you just tell me what you’ve been up to?”
He’s sitting across from me, legs crossed, hands clasped on his lap. So fucking proper. Asshole.
Jesus, why am I so angry this afternoon?
“I’ve been seeing someone,” I start, trying not to growl at him. I flick my gaze to him and he’s just nodding silently, allowing me the time I need to talk.
So I do.
I tell him everything. From the first meet, to the first fuck, to everything else that I can think of. I spend forty-five minutes talking about Gabby, and it isn’t until I realize that he’s giving me the fifteen minute warning that I haven’t mentioned Carly or Hannah once this entire time.
Dr. Travers smiles and nods when I trail off, leaving off at the restaurant this afternoon. He knows everything. He can fix me. He can, and will, fix my crazy.
“Benton, you’ve been through a lot in the last year. Your wife died suddenly, you adopted a baby, you’ve taken a few huge leaps with the company; it’s safe to say you’re a little stressed. You seem to be channeling anger again, though,” he says, nodding towards my clenched fists. Getting it all out helped, but it wasn’t enough.
I need to hit something.
“I want to see you back at the gym, Benton. You need that release.” He grabs his note pad and writes a few notes before looking at me again. “Gabby, right?” he asks, pen in hand. I nod, and he eyes me curiously as he takes more notes.
“Listen, Benton, I don’t know the entire story. You’ve talked a lot, but I know there are still things that are missing. I’m not here for relationship advice, I’m here to make you level out. If being with her makes you happy, you need to pursue that, but if all you get is frustrated and mad... Benton, Hannah doesn’t need that. You have to think of your baby in this.” He shakes his head and stands up. “If it were me, and, after all this time, the girl wouldn’t commit to me, I’d have to draw the line. Either she commits, or you need to move on and be happy for that sweet girl of yours.” He shrugs. “It’s a hard truth, but you need to be happy. This,” he waves at my demeanor. “This isn’t good for you or Hannah,” he says.
“You’re right,” I say, pissed that I knew that’s what he was going to say, but it didn’t matter… it didn’t click… until he just now told me. “Thanks,” I grumble, standing and nodding, making an appointment on my way out for a few weeks from now.
On my way home to get cleaned up, I call my parents to check in on Hannah. They’re such an amazing support system. I’m not sure what I would do without both of them to help me in my times of need. It’s hard to be there for every drop off and pick up from daycare, especially with my job. I’m there as much as I can be, but, when I’m not, she has that strong and reliable source from my parents.
By the time I get to Gabby’s, I’ve calmed down enough to actually smile genuinely at her when she opens the door. She’s so fucking cute. Hair on the top of her head, reading glasses on, leggings and massive socks to match. How the hell does someone so sexy do cute so well? There should be a fucking law about that.
“Hey,” she smiles gently, rubbing her eyes under her glasses before closing the door behind me. The sexy vixen in the tight as shit dress from earlier is gone, and before me stands a real woman. A woman I have so many feelings for, it’s insane.
“Hi, how are you?” I ask, pulling her to me, unable to keep my hands off her. Pecking my lips quickly, a smirk crosses her face when she sees the gleam in my eyes. I can’t help it. She’s so damn beautiful.
“I’m fine. Just a small headache,” she says, rubbing her eyes again.
“You sure you’re okay with me being here? You look tired,” I say, earning a slap in the arm. “What the hell?” I laugh, grabbing it, and feigning hurt while she looks at me with huge eyes.
“You’re not supposed to tell a girl she looks tired, Benton!”
“OOOh… okay. I’ll remember that next time you look tired,” I say, grinning.
She laughs it off and heads into the kitchen where she’s making lasagna. Watching her do something as simple as cooking has my feelings so wound up for her. I just want to tell her I think I’m falling hard for her. I want her to know that I’m growing to love her. The more that I watch her do these simple tasks the more I can see myself being involved like this for the rest of her life, but I can’t. I can’t, because I don’t want her to go, and, if I tell her how I really feel, she’ll run.
I know it.
“It was my gran’s recipe,” she whispers, setting a plate in front of me.
In all these months we’ve been friends with benefits, not once has she made dinner for me. When she brings me a drink, I grab her hand before she retreats to get her bowl and notice how perfect our hands fit together. She’s watching me intently, but I can’t take my eyes off of the only place our bodies are connected. I feel such warmth from having her hand in mine. Such peace.
Shit, I want this… I want her… so fucking bad.
“Can we just eat first, please?” she whispers, knowing that we have a heavy topic to discuss tonight.
“Absolutely. This looks fantastic, Gabby.”
She doesn’t say anything, just smiles and nods, and the twinkle in her eye from earlier is gone. What’s going on with her today?
Gabby
I Can’t Be Alone
“This is delicious, Gab,” he says, as he shoves another bite into his mouth. His beautiful mouth, on his beautiful body, that I’m afraid I’m caring for way too much lately.
“Thanks,” I answer, feeling like I’m on autopilot tonight. The episode in the bathroom earlier took a lot from me. Having it in front of him made the recoup from it better, but, when I got home, I realized just how bad things are starting to get. I’ve had so many panic episodes and flashbacks this last week compared to a year ago, and I can’t help but peg it on the fact that I’m starting to have very strong feelings for the man sitting in front of me. I want to be with him, I want a normal life… what girl doesn’t? I’m not made for that, though. I don’t deserve that. Not after what I did.
“Here, let me,” Benton says, taking my empty plate before I’m able to set it in the sink. “You cooked, I’ll clean,” he says, then grins and winks at me as he walks to the sink. His wink and grin has me ready to jump him, but I don’t. We need to talk, and fucking… as delicious as it sounds… won’t allow us time to talk.
Even when my mind is muddled with every emotions possible, he still has a way of getting through and soaking my panties with one small smirk. Coming behind him, I instinctively wrap my arms around his midsection and hug him, feeling him, still in his dishwashing, before his hands, wet with soap, clasp on to mine. We don’t say anything, just hold each other. I know he hurts, he knows I have issues though he doesn’t know specifics, but we both accept that. We hold each other like we’re holding ourselves together. In this crazy world, we’re just two broken souls; one trying to move on, one trying to forget.
When he clears his throat, I loosen my grip on him as he turns and looks at me, his hands resting on my arms.
“How are you, really, Gabby?” His voice full of sadness, and it angers me because I hate pity. I don’t want to be pitied.
“I’m okay, Benton. I promise,” I whisper, not looking him in the eyes. He knows what I’m doing, though. He knows I’m not okay.
“Come on,” he says, taking my hand and leading me to the living room. We sit on the couch, so he turns in his spot and starts playing with a tendril of hair that fell out of my bun at some point in the evening. Absentmindedly twisting it between his fingers, he sighs and looks me in the eyes, his deep brown meeting my light brown. Nothing else matters right now, but this connection. With this one connection, I feel real.
“I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen.” He clears his throat and his eyes move to his fingers playing with my hair. “I went and saw my therapist today,” he starts. I nod, knowing that he’s been seeing one for quite some time, but never knowing any details about it.
I could never talk about my meetings with Dr. Travers, so I’m astounded he’s able to. It takes a big person to be able to admit they have a problem out loud, to someone else.
“Gabby, I love spending time with you. Time inside the bedroom is the best I’ve ever experienced,” he curses and sighs. “Time outside the bedroom, even though you make me pretend we aren’t together most of the time, is still fan-fucking-tastic.” He shakes his head and chuckles. “You know, if you would’ve told me a year ago I’d be having this type of conversation right now, I would’ve thought you were on drugs, but here we are, and this is real, and we can’t keep playing these games.”
I feel my breath start to come on faster as he keeps talking about us, and about how we can’t be anymore. No! Did he come here tonight just to break this… this thing that we have… apart? He wouldn’t have. He’s not that type of person. I can’t be without him right now. I can’t be alone. Alone is no good. Life without Benton is no good. Fuck! I can’t become dependent on him. What the fuck, Gabby?!
“Benton, I like our time together, too,” I whisper when he pauses. He needs to know, though, that I can’t do commitment. He’ll just end up getting hurt.
“Gabby, listen,” he stands, his body starting to tense. “I have anger issues. I always have. I used to deal with them by fighting, but then everything changed a year ago, and I’ve been learning to deal with them in other ways. Seeing you with other people, seeing you with someone that’s not me, makes me so mad and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I can’t. I’m a fucking father, Gabby!” he yells, cursing and pacing, trying to calm himself down. “I can’t do this.” He waves his arms between us, and I feel the panic start to well. My vision is creeping on blurry and my head feels like its spinning.
“Benton, please stop,” I whisper, closing my eyes.
“Gabby, I can’t. I can’t stop, because I’m addicted to you. I’m addicted to how I wake up with your entire body wrapped around mine. I’m addicted to your fucking crazy hair, and your smile, and humor, and you. I’m addicted to you, Gabby, and I don’t want to quit you, but I will. I will for my daughter if you can’t promise me. No one else, Gabby.”
Opening my eyes, astounded that he’d give me that ultimatum, I gasp when I see him. I broke him. The man that I have grown close to in the last 5 months, the man that’s the best lay I’ve ever had… the man that I don’t want to love, but I’m afraid that’s what these feelings are. Fuck.
“Benton.” I’m shaking my head, tears starting to well up, as I watch his face fall. Walking over to me, he drops to his knees and takes my hands in his, forcing the tears in my eyes to roll down my cheeks. Shit, Gabby. “I’m broken, Benton,” I whisper, through my tears. “I’m broken, and not good for you.”
“Goddamnit, Gabby, stop. You’re the best thing I’ve had in a very long time. You’re strong, brave, and beautiful,” he whispers, kissing my hands. “I just need you for myself, and it’s fucking selfish, but, if I can’t have that, I can’t keep doing this.”
I sigh and take my hands from his, wiping my face, then taking his face in my hands, I look into his beautiful, sad, brilliant eyes. I don’t want him to be sad, I don’t want to be alone, and with Ellie leaving me today, I will be if he leaves. I know the consequences of my decision right now could be terrible, but, for some reason, I don’t care. Fate is going to do what it needs to do, when it needs to do it. I’m going to finally do something I want to do, because I want to do it, and not because I feel like I deserve it, because I don’t. I don’t deserve him, but, for some reason, he wants me. I don’t deserve to be happy, and I’m nowhere near being happy every day, but, when I’m with him, I see happy and I feel like I can reach it.
“No more Ellie,” I whisper, starting to grin.
“No more anyone, Gab. It’s you and me. That’s it.” His voice is raw with emotion and my heart immediately hurts for this man. I’ve caused him so much pain, I should let him go and find someone that is normal… but I’m selfish, too.
I’ll take what I can give with him. I can give him sex. Lots of it, since he’ll be the only one. It’s been a tremendous amount of time since that’s been the case, since I’ve only had one partner, but I’m willing to try it for him. Maybe this is what my mind needs to calm down a little bit. I can focus on one thing, and not trying to focus on two totally different people and make them both happy.
Maybe this can work.
“No one, B. No one else.” I smile when his eyes go wide.
“Really?” he whispers, like he wasn’t expecting me to say that. His hands go around my wrists, holding on to them, as I smile and nod, then he leans in and kisses me. Not just a kiss, but the strongest connection we’ve ever had.
“I can’t promise you it’ll work, Benton,” I say, pulling back. “And I’m warning you, I’m not normal. I’m far from it,” I whisper, pressing my forehead to his. “But I’m willing to try.”
“Fuck yes. Fuck. Yes. Gabby,” he growls, scooping me up and carrying me to the bedroom, wails of laughter coming out of me as he throws me on the bed and slams his lips to mine, ripping the clothes off of me, tossing his to the side, and diving in for a taste of me.
“God, fuck, baby, you taste so good,” he growls, pushing one, then two fingers inside me. Arching my back, I push into him, resting my hand on his head as he tastes, licks, and hums into my core.
This is happy. This is my happy place.
In bed with the one man that helps me forget.
The next morning, I head in to work, drained from lying awake in bed all night last night. I can’t seem to function properly and have already lost three emails that I’ve typed out and exited before sending. Nothing’s working right today, but I can’t leave. I’m starting to get backlogged with cases, and am not finishing more than I’m receiving. I’d love to be made partner someday, but, at this rate, I’ll be lucky if I can keep this job until Christmas.
“Hey Gab,” Lance knocks on the door to my office. “I have a Chelsea Barnes on the phone. She says it’s urgent.” He quirks an eyebrow in question, and waits for my response.
I have none, though.
The name isn’t any of my clients, it rings no bells, and I have no scheduled phone calls of potentials. Interesting.
“Put her through,” I say, setting aside the paper I’ve been staring at blankly for the last two hours.
“Gabby Rosdale,” I answer after Lance sends the call through.
“Gabrielle,” I hear her voice and immediately shut down. It’s been years, but I’ll never forget that voice and the evil it spat at me.
My breathing stops, all noises around me go silent, and my vision blurs to black. That’s how fast it can happen. Before I know it, the phone falls out of my hands, and my head hits the desk, completely blacking out the world around me.
Waking up, I’m
greeted by Lance’s beautifully handsome face. Too bad he’s gay, he would’ve made a fantastic fuck.
“Hey,” he smiles, flicking his eyes to the doorway. “You wanna tell me what happened? You just kind of… dropped.” He seems worried, which pisses me off. Sitting up, I try to right myself when his hands smack mine away. Clicking his tongue, he fusses over me and hands me a water while I sit up and try to refocus on my surroundings.
I’m okay. I’m not with her. She can’t hurt me anymore.
She can’t, but I can.
“I have to go,” I say, frantic that the deal I made with Benton is just going to get him hurt, or worse… it’ll end up hurting his daughter. Shit, why’d I do this?! How’d I not think of her?! He has a kid! I can’t be around kids! I haven’t been around kids since that night, and I’m not sure how I’d do if I were forced to be around them now. Fuck, he’s going to want me to hang out with the two of them!
Oh fuck, Gabby what have you done?
“Gabby,” Angie Merrian walks in to my office and stops when she sees me grabbing my bags. “Where are you going?” She flicks her stare to Lance, who shrugs and watches me curiously.
“I have to go,” I mutter.
“You did this yesterday too, Gabby.” She’s standing in my doorway, blocking me, and, if she doesn’t watch it, I will punch her to get through. “Gabby, this is becoming a habit we can’t have here.”
Fuck. I know this, I’m smarter than this, but I can’t be here right now. I’ve already blacked out and been found out. I can’t be here when the attack hits. Squaring my shoulders, I take a breath and look my boss straight in the eyes.
“Listen, I have to leave. If you need to fire me, go ahead, but I have to go. Now. Excuse me.” I push past her, hearing her huff as I speed walk down the hallway.
I need help. I can’t be fixed, I can’t be helped, but I need him to try. Frantically pulling out my phone, I dial those seven numbers I’ve memorized over the years.
“Dr. Travers office,” Nancy says happily before I cut her off.
“Nancy, it’s Gabby. I need him. Now,” I say, frantically feeling another fucking spell coming on. What the hell? Why can’t I go one day without these anymore?
“He’s in, Gabby. I’m moving appointments now. Come on in, sweetheart. Can you drive, or do I need to send a cab?” she asks, always looking out for me like a mother would.
A good mother, at least.
“I need… I’m ok. I’ll be ok,” I lie, used to saying the words that hold no weight.
Getting in my car, my vision not totally better but getting here, I turn the key and make my way to the office I know better than my own apartment.
