Текст книги "Послания любви. 365 писем Ошо"

Автор книги: Бхагаван Шри Раджниш

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but there is no-anger,

there is no-violence.

And when there is no-violence there is no-mind,

and an altogether different dimension opens its door:

the dimension of the spontaneous,

the dimension of the divine.

220. Love.

Moment to moment life passes into death,

because it is death.

Covered, it appears as life,

uncovered it is death.

Always remember this fact.

This is silent meditation.

And when this remembering even penetrates

your dreams

you will have a new door opened unto you.

In fact through it you will be altogether new,

and ultimately reborn.

Remembering death gives a new dimension

to consciousness

because to remember death is not natural.

On the contrary nature has arranged

that one should not be aware of it

because the moment one transcends death

one transcends nature also.

And one cannot transcend death

unless one is totally aware of the fact.

So be totally aware of death.

And it is happening each moment within and without.

It is present everywhere.

And because it is so obvious one becomes absent to it.

Remember – and deepen the consciousness,

because as the awareness of death goes deeper

one becomes capable of feeling that which is deathless.

Really, death is the door –

the opening to the deathless.

But be conscious of it.

Be conscious and transcend.

Be conscious and know that which is before birth and after death.

And – you are that.

221. Love.

Be a stranger to yourself.

See life as a river flowing through time.

Stand on the bank, neither curious nor concerned.

Glance or gaze at the driftwood of your past

floating in your memory –

just like the incidents one reads about in the paper.

Detached and indifferent remember that nothing matters.

Only exist –

and the explosion.

222. Love.

Always be positive, in each and every situation –

that helps meditative awareness very much.

Negative attitudes negate the whole effort.

Diogenes was looking for an honest man in New Delhi.

Any luck? asked a wayfarer.

Oh, pretty fair, sir, replied Diogenes.

I still have my lantern.

223. Love.

Philosophy cannot cure you of questions –

on the contrary, it can give you more.

I heard this at a chemist’s shop:

Did the patent medicine you purchased cure your aunt?

Good heavens, no.

On reading the wrapper around the bottle

she got two more diseases.

224. Love.

Mulla Nasruddin was carrying home some liver

which he had just bought.

In the other hand he held a recipe for liver pie

which a friend had given him.

Suddenly a buzzard swooped down and carried off the liver.

You fool! shouted Nasruddin.

Having the meat is all very well,

but what will you do without the recipe?

225. Love.

Man can only know what God is not.

To know what God is, is impossible

because that’s where the realm of being begins.

You cannot know God but you can be,

and in that dimension is the only knowing.

But that knowing

is altogether different from all our other knowing

because in that knowing there is no knower

and no known,

but only knowing.

That is why in that dimension knowing and being

are the same.

There is even no knowledge.

because knowledge is dead and therefore a thing.

Moreover, knowledge is always of the past,

and God is never in the past

or in the future.

God is now, always now;

and here, and always here.

Close your eyes and see.

Then open your eyes and see.

Then neither close your eyes nor open your eyes and see.

226. Love.

There was once a man

who was obsessed with the idea

that there was a secret knower in those

who achieved success.

To discover this secret

he devoted years to study and research:

ancient masonry, philosophy, astrology, psychology,

salesmanship, religious beliefs,

the various cults that have had their rise and fall.

All these he studied long and diligently,

but no conclusion was visible.

He struggled and struggled

but still there was no conclusion.

And then instead of success in his search

for the secret of success

came death – and as death approached him

he realized the goal of his whole life’s efforts,

and finally he gave his conclusion to those

who were near him.

It came in two short words: I will.

227. Love.

Do not believe in thinking

because that is the greatest of all superstitions –

but well hidden

because it pretends to be anti-superstitious!

Thinking is nothing but dust in a blind mind

because you cannot think that which is not known –

and you need not think that which is already known.

The encounter is always with the unknown.

The unknown is everywhere,

within and without,

and thinking is always in the known and of the known.

You can never be in contact with the unknown through the known

so throw the known and be in contact with the unknown.

And this is what I call meditation.

228. Love.

Man goes on dreaming and desiring

but basically remains where he is,

and in the end

nothing but the ashes of his dreams and desires

are in his hands –

and of course there are tears in his eyes.

Panchatantra has a beautiful story:

In a certain town lived a Brahmin named Seedy

who got some barley meal by begging,

ate a portion,

and filled a jar with the remainder.

This jar he hung on a peg one night,

placed his cot beneath it

and fixing his gaze on the jar

fell into a hypnotic reverie.

Well, here is a jar of barley meal, he thought.

Now if a famine comes

I will get a hundred rupees for it.

With that sum I will get two she-goats:

every six months they will bear two more she-goats.

After goats, cows.

When the cows calve I will sell the calves.

After cows, buffaloes.

After buffaloes, mares.

From the mares I shall get plenty of horses.

The sale of these will mean plenty of gold.

The gold will buy a great house with an inner court.

Then someone will come to my house

and offer his lovely daughter with a dowry.

She will bear a son whom I shall call Moonlord.

When he is old enough to ride on my knee I will take a book,

sit on the stable roof and think.

Just then Moonlord will see me,

will jump from his mother’s lap

in his eagerness to ride on my knee

and will go too near the horses.

Then I shall get angry and tell my wife to take the boy

but she will be too busy with her chores

and will not pay attention to what I say.

Then I will get up and kick her!

Being sunk in his hypnotic dream

he let fly such a kick that he smashed the jar

and the barley meal it contained made him white all over.

229. Love.

Go on discarding: not this, not this (neti, neti),

and ultimately when nothing remains to be discarded –

then the explosion happens.

Do not cling to anything, to any thought.

Go on and on until the nothingness.

I have heard about a little boy, Toyo, and his meditations.

He was only twelve years old

but he wanted to be given something to ponder on,

to meditate on,

so one evening he went to Mokurai, the Zen master,

struck the gong softly to announce his presence,

and sat before the master in respectful silence.

Finally the master said: Toyo, show me the sound of two hands.

Toyo clapped his hands.

Good, said the master.

Now show me the sound of one hand clapping.

Toyo was silent.

Finally he bowed and left to meditate on the problem.

The next night he returned and struck the gong

with one palm.

That is not right, said the master.

The next night Toyo returned and played geisha music with one hand.

That is not right, said the master.

Again and again Toyo returned with some answer

but the master said again and again, That is not right.

For nights Toyo tried new sounds

but each and every answer was rejected.

The question itself was absurd so no answer could be right.

When Toyo came on the eleventh night,

before he said anything the master said:

That is still not right!

– then he stopped coming to the master.

For a year he thought of every possible sound

and discarded them all,

and when there was nothing left to be discarded any more

he exploded into enlightenment.

When he was no more, he returned to the master

and without striking the gong he sat down and bowed.

He was not saying anything

and there was silence.

Then the master said: So you have heard the sound without sound!

230. Love.

Thought is divisive,

it divides ad infinitum,

so thought can never come to the total, to the whole.

And the whole is while the parts are not –

or they are only for the mind –

and if there is no mind then there are no parts.

With the mind and because of the mind

the one becomes many – or appears so;

and with the mind and through the mind,

to conceive the one is impossible.

Of course it can think about the one,

but that one is nothing but a putting together of all the parts,

and that one is quite different from the one which is.

The one which is conceptualized by the mind

is just a mathematical construct:

it is not a living whole,

it is not organic,

and unless one experiences the cosmos as

an organic whole

one has not known anything at all.

This is not possible with thought,

but this is possible with no-thought.

231. Love.

Emptiness is all –

and to get hold of emptiness is to attain all and be all.

But it is very arduous to get hold of emptiness –

because it is emptiness! And it hurts much –

though it is emptiness, it still hurts much!

Because to make way for it the ego has to die.

But I am happy that you are dying

because this is the only way to be beyond death –

I say: the only way.

Remember this always.

Sekkyo once said to one of his monks:

Can you get hold of emptiness?

I will try, said the monk; and he cupped his hands in the air.

That is absurd, said Sekkyo.

You have not got anything in there.

Well, master, said the monk, please show me the right way.

Thereupon Sekkyo seized the monk’s nose and gave it a great yank.

Ouch! yelled the monk. You hurt me!

I cannot help it,

because that is the only way to get hold of emptiness!

said Sekkyo.

232. Love.

Man asks questions and then answers them himself.

Nothing is answered in this way.

But man is capable of deceiving himself –

and the whole of philosophy

is nothing but such a deception.

Man asks: What is mind?

And then answers himself: Not matter?

And then asks: What is matter?

And then answers: Not mind?

And this stupid game goes on.

I have heard about a distinguished philosopher

who always began his speeches with: Why are we here?

He had occasion to address the inmates

of a mental hospital

and ended with: Ladies and Gentlemen, why are we here?

One of the inmates called out:

We are all here because we are not all there!

233. Love.

The mind always thinks in terms of the self.

It is egocentric.

During the French revolution

a man from Paris stopped at a village

and was asked by a friend what was happening.

They are cutting off heads by the thousands,

said the visitor.

How terrible! cried the villager.

That could ruin my hat business!

But this is the way of the mind,

and because of this it is never in tune with the cosmos,

so how can it know life?

It cannot know it because it cannot be one with it.

Really with the mind there is no knowing

but only superficial acquaintance.

Intimate and deep knowing comes only with no-mind –

and meditation is the dissolving of mind into no-mind.

234. Love.

A monk asked Hyakujo Yekai:

What is the most miraculous event in the world?

Hyakujo said: I sit here all by myself!

235. Love.

Freedom from becoming means freedom for being.

Becoming is desiring,

being is that which is.

Becoming is longing for the future,

being is to be in the present.

Becoming is mental,

being is existential.

That is why becoming must cease for the being

to reveal itself.

Becoming is just like the smoke around the flame,

or just like the outer covering around the seed,

so please let the smoke go

for the flame to explode in its complete glory

and splendor,

and let the seed die to its outer shell

so that it may be what it is in its innermost depth.

236. Love.

No more principles are needed.

The world is already much too burdened with principles

and people who are men of principle.

I have heard that once a priest was consoling a widow.

He said with much feeling that her dead husband

was a man of principle.

That he was, sighed the widow.

Every Saturday night for these past twenty years

the poor man would come home

and faithfully hand me his pay envelope –

he never missed doing that.

Of course the envelope was always empty,

but mind you,

he was loyal to the principle of the thing.

237. Love.

Religion is – living without conflict,

that is, without ideas

and without ideals,

because whenever one lives with ideals

there is conflict,

there is conflict between

that which is and that which should be,

and then life is misery.

See this and go beyond.

In fact the very seeing of the fact is going beyond.

And please do not ask the seemingly inevitable, “How?”

Because there is no how to it.

Either you see it or you do not see it –

and moreover the how again creates conflict.

238. Love.

Bhakti needs only time to absorb the shock she

has come across

in her deep meditations;

remember – only time and nothing else.

The shock is nothing new.

It happens whenever the deeper layers of the unconscious

are encountered.

Before any mutation this is absolutely necessary.

Be grateful to the divine because this is a good omen.

Bhakti needed it badly,

and when she is out of it she will be a totally new person.

Soon she will be twice-born.

At present she is passing through a great spiritual crisis,

so you be with her – but just as if you are not.

Be present, but with absolute absence.

This is the only way you can be helpful to her.

Let her be alone as much as possible.

Do not talk with her

except where it is needed absolutely,

and then too be telegraphic.

But if she herself wants to talk

let her talk as much as she likes,

and you yourself just be a passive listener.

Let her do whatsoever she wants to do or not do

and soon everything will be okay.

Do not worry at all.

I will always be there beside you –

and if you can see, you will be able to see me also.

Of course Bhakti will feel my presenceand become aware

of me so many times in these days. Convey my blessings to her.

239. Love.

One day a man came to the Sufi teacher, Bahauddin.

He asked for help in his problems

and guidance on the path.

Bahauddin told him to abandon spiritual studies

and to leave his court at once.

A kind-hearted visitor began to remonstrate

with Bahauddin.

You shall have a demonstration, said the master.

At that moment a bird flew into the room

darting hither and thither,

not knowing where to go in order to escape.

The master waited until the bird settled

near the only open window

of the chamber and then suddenly clapped his hands.

Alarmed, the bird flew straight

through the opening of the window

to freedom.

To him that sound must have been something of a shock,

even an affront, do you not agree? said Bahauddin.

240. Love.

Fu Ta Shih says:

Each night one embraces a Buddha while sleeping,

each morning one gets up again with him.

Rising or sitting –

both watch and follow one another

Speaking or not speaking –

they are in the same place.

They never part even for a moment

but are like the body and its shadow.

If you wish to know the Buddha’s whereabouts,

in the sound of your own voice

there he is.

Do you understand this?

If not now – when will you understand?

And this is not being asked for the first time,

but many many times in many many lives

the same question has been raised –

and you have not yet answered!

Now, is it not time enough?

241. Love.

Mind is localization of consciousness,

and it can be localized in any part of the body.

Ordinarily we have localized it in the head,

but other cultures and other civilizations in the past

have tried other parts of the body also,

and on other planets

there are beings with other parts of their bodies

working as their minds.

But whatsoever the part chosen

localization of consciousness means its freezing,

and whenever it ceases to flow freely as is needed

it is no longer consciousness in its suchness.

Meditation means: consciousness in its suchness.

So let consciousness fill the whole body,

let it flow throughout the totality of your being

and you will have a feeling of aliveness

which is never known and felt

by localized consciousness.

Whenever there is localization of consciousness

the part in which the localization happens

becomes tense and diseased

and the remainder of the body becomes a dead weight.

But with meditative consciousness

or flowing consciousness

everything changes completely:

the whole body becomes alive, sensitive and aware

and consequently weightless.

Then there is no center at which

tensions can exist and accumulate:

they cannot exist without frozen blocks of consciousness.

The flowing, moving consciousness

washes them out constantly with every movement.

And when the whole body is alive

only then do you begin to feel

the cosmic consciousness all around you.

How can a frozen consciousness,

and that too surrounded by a dead body,

feel the cosmic?

242. Love.

Now man knows more about man than ever

and yet no problem is solved.

It seems that something is basically wrong

with our so-called knowledge itself.

This whole knowledge is derived from analysis,

and analysis is incapable of penetrating

the depths of consciousness.

The analytical method is all right for matter

or for things

because there is no inside to them,

but consciousness is insideness,

and to use the analytical method with consciousness

is to treat it as an object,

while it is not an object at all.

And it cannot be made an object;

its very nature is subjectivity,

its being is subjectivity,

so it must not be approached from outside

because then whatsoever is known about it is not about it.

Consciousness must be approached from inside –

and then the method is meditation and not analysis.

Meditation is synthetic:

it is concerned with the whole and not with the parts,

it is subjective and not objective,

it is irrational or super-rational and not rational,

it is religious or mystic and not scientific.

Authentic knowledge of consciousness

comes only through meditation and all else is

just superficial acquaintance

and basically erroneous

because the very source of it is fallacious and poisonous.

243. Love.

Life is a dream so enjoy it;

but do not ask for more because

then you only disturb the dream

and get nothing except a disturbed night.

Be a witness to the dreaming mind

and then there is transcendence:

then you go beyond dreaming and beyond mind itself.

And know well that there is an awakening

below the dreaming mind

which is nothing but just a disturbed dream.

One can get to this below-dreaming state of awakening

through asking for more, desiring more –

as ordinarily we all do.

In a dream Mulla Nasruddin saw himself

being counted out coins

and when there were nine silver pieces in his hand

the invisible donor stopped giving them.

Nasruddin shouted: I must have ten! so loudly

that he woke himself up.

Finding that all the money had disappeared

he closed his eyes again and murmured,

All right, then, give them back –

I will take the nine.

There is also an awakening above the dreaming mind –

the real awakening

in comparison to which man ordinarily is asleep.

One can reach this awakening

through witnessing the dreaming mind –

and unless one reaches it one is not really alive.

244. Love.

The divine is that from which one cannot depart,

and that from which one can depart is not the divine.

So find that from which you have never departed

and cannot ever depart from –

and then laugh at the absurdity of the human mind

and its efforts!

Buddha is still laughing because of that.

Listen!

245. Love.

Why does man suffer?

Man suffers because of his craving,

craving to possess that which cannot be possessed,

and craving to keep things forever with himself

which are essentially impermanent.

And chief among these things is his own ego,

his own persona.

But all things are impermanent.

Except for change itself

everything changes.

Really nothing is

because everything is only a process,

so as soon as one tries to possess anything it slips away.

The possessor himself is slipping away constantly!

Then there is frustration

and then there is suffering.

Know this well,

realize this well and there will be no suffering

because then you have unearthed the root.

246. Love.

The self can never be free –

because the self itself is the bondage.

This is the meaning of the penetrating saying of Jesus:

He that saveth his life shall lose it

and he that loseth his life shall know life abundant.

Or that of Lao Tzu in Tao-te-Ching:

He who humbles himself shall be saved,

he who bends shall be made straight,

and he who empties himself shall be filled.

One is not to make the self free;

rather on the contrary, one has to be free from the self.

The self is nothing but the husk of the seed.

Do not cling to it.

Sings Wu Ming Fu:

The seed that has to grow must lose itself as a seed,

and they that creep may be transformed

through the chrysalis to wings.

Wilt thou then, O mortal, cling to husks

which wrongly seem to you to be the self?

247. Love.

The gates of the temple are wide open

and it is only after thousands of years

that such opportunity comes to this earth.

Know well that they will not remain open forever.

The opportunity can be lost very easily,

and you are still wavering,

and you are still hesitating –

to enter or not to enter,

to be or not to be.

I know that the challenge is great, but I know also

that your being is completely ready to take the jump.

Hence my insistent call for you to come and enter.

And this is not for the first time that I have called you,

nor the first life;

I know you, Bhakti, through so many births!

And soon you will also remember many things.

But not before the jump.

Only your superficial persona is resisting, not you –

and it is expected to resist always

because the moment one takes the plunge

into the unknown

it has to die naturally.

So please do not identify yourself with it;

be a witness to it, and you will be in the jump.

It is time now to die to the old ego

and be reborn to the supreme self!

248. Love.

Logic is not all;

nor is consistency;

because even madness has its own methods,

rationalizations and inner consistencies.

A madman was throwing handfuls

of crumbs around his house.

What are you doing? someone asked him.

Keeping the elephants away, he answered.

But there are no elephants in these parts,

said the inquirer.

That’s right – my method is effective, isn’t it?

declared the madman.

249. Love.

Total acceptance of existence is impossible for the mind

because the mind exists as denial.

It exists with the no,

and with a total yes it dies.

So it continues to find reasons to say no

even if there are no reasons.

Walking with a disciple one day

Mulla Nasruddin saw for the first time in his life

a beautiful lakeland scene.

What a delight! he exclaimed. But if only,

if only…

If only what, master? asked the disciple.

If only they had not put water in it! said the Mulla.

250. Love.

Meditation is like the sea:

receiving the dirty river and yet remaining pure.

You need not be purified before it,

but you will come out of it purified.

Meditation is unconditional,

purity is not a prerequisite but a consequence.

251. Love.

Be as if dead,

and then dualisms will not contaminate you

and you will reach the state

of the non-arising of thought.

The brightness of self-nature will appear in full –

and when this happens you are no more.

This disappearance is the appearance of the divine,

so please – disappear!

252. Love.

Existence exists in order to exist –

and likewise life.

There is no meaning to it beyond itself

so never posit any meaning,

otherwise you will feel its meaninglessness.

It is not meaningless and it cannot be so

because there is no meaning in it all!

The very search for meaning is mean and ugly

because it comes from the utilitarian mind of man.

Existence simply is

and likewise life:

there is no purpose in it

and there is no end to it.

Feel it here and now!

Please do not practice it

because that is the way of the utilitarian mind.

Be playful

and only then will you know the playfulness

of the universe.

And to know that is to be religious.

253. Love.

Do not continue moving in the old rut –

and the way out is just by your hand.

The mind is the past, the dead past;

one has to break it somewhere and jump out of it

The mind is the prison, the slavery.

Be free of it.

And the moment is ripe.

Of course I know that you are still not clearly aware of it

but you are not unaware either.

Gather courage and jump into the unknown.

Just one step is enough

because the next follows it automatically.

But do not go on thinking and thinking and thinking.

Thinking promises to lead you somewhere

but the promise remains always a promise,

because thinking is just impotent

as far as life is concerned.

So please, be existential.

Do not hesitate.

And you have nothing to lose – because you

have nothing!

Realize this and be nothing – no-one.

254. Love.

Life is movement,

process,

fluidity;

but ideas become fixed,

so they become also anti-life.

They become dead blocks.

Do not remain with them.

Move.

And do not fear inconsistency

because life is not a syllogism,

life is not a theory

but a mystery.

Someone asked Mulla Nasruddin: How old are you, Mulla?

Forty.

But you said the same last time I asked you, five years ago!

Yes, I am always consistent and always stand by

what I have said.

255. Love.

Mind means consciousness somewhere –

centered,

focused and tense.

Meditation means consciousness nowhere,

and when it is nowhere it is everywhere –

decentralized.

Unfocused and non-tense.

Mind is agony by its very nature,

meditation – ecstasy.

Do not treat consciousness like a cat tied to a string.

This very treatment –

or mistreatment –

creates the mind.

The consciousness must be left

to itself, utterly free

to move and be

according to its nature.

Do not localize it.

Do not be partial.

This is the essence of my discipline of no-discipline.

Preserve the absolute fluidity of your consciousness

and then you will not be,

and when you are not and only consciousness is

then for the first time the doors of the divine

are open to you.

256. Love.

Yes, man learns by experience!

Two old drunkards

were in the habit of coming together twice a week

to the wine-seller to get drunk.

After years of this one of them died.

His old friend came in on the Saturday

and they told him his pal had died –

that the whisky had been taken into blood circulation

and so saturated his blood and his breath

that one night before going to bed

the old man went to blow out the candle

and his breath caught fire and he was burned to death.

The other man promptly called for a Bible

and took an oath that from that time forward

he would never blow out another candle in his life!

Yes, man learns by experience!

257. Love.

Do not imitate anyone,

do not follow anyone,

otherwise you will be just a pseudo existence –

and that is worse than suicide.

Be yourself –

and only then

can you be responsible

and authentic and real.

But ordinarily everyone is just secondhand and borrowed,

and that makes everything ugly.

Mulla Nasruddin went to a mosque and sat down.

His shirt was rather short

and the man behind him pulled it lower,

thinking it looked unseemly.

Nasruddin immediately pulled the shirt of the man

in front of him.

What are you doing? asked the man in front.

Don’t ask me, ask the man behind – he started it,

said Nasruddin.

258. Love.

The real religious experience

cannot be organized, taught or transmitted.

To systematize it is to kill it.

It is so living and moving and dynamic

that to impose a pattern on it is impossible;

and the experience is always so unique and individual

that it cannot be put into any category –

although it happens when the individual is not.

It cannot be followed,

for everyone has to find it for himself,

and that is the beauty of it,

and also its freedom and virginity.

It is not new in the sense of any opposition to the old,

it is new in the sense of timelessness –

that is, eternally fresh and innocent –

as every flower is new

and every sunrise is new

and every love is new.

It is not borrowed from the past,

it is not based on any tradition,

it is not derived from without,

it happens within,

without any causality.

It happens unconditionally.

It is not continuous with the mind,

it is a discontinuous explosion.

There are clouds in the sky

and the sky cannot be seen,

but there is no causal chain.

The clouds have gone

and the sky is clear

but there is no cause-and-effect relationship.

The sky has not even known the clouds!

It has not been affected by them in any way whatsoever.

259. Love.

Life becomes more authentic

in the direct encountering of death.

But we always try to escape the fact of death,

and so life becomes pseudo and phony.

Even death, when authentic, has a beauty of its own

while pseudo-life is just ugly.

Meditate on death

because there is no way to know life

unless you stand face to face with death.

And it is everywhere;

wherever life is death is also.

They are really two aspects of one and the

same phenomenon,

and when one comes to know this, one transcends both.

Only in that transcendence is the total flowering of consciousness

and the ecstasy of being.

260. Love.

Man adds everything to his ego –

while everything goes on without him.

He is nothing,

but he thinks himself everything.

Mulla Nasruddin was walking past a well

when he had the impulse to look into it.

It was night, and as he peered

into the deep water

he saw the moon’s reflection there.

I must save the moon! the Mulla thought,

otherwise she will never wane

and the fasting month of Ramadan

will never come to an end.

He found a rope, threw it in and called down:

Hold tight! Keep bright, help is at hand!

The rope caught in a rock inside the well

and Nasruddin heaved as hard as he could.

Straining back he suddenly felt the rope give way

as it became loose and he was thrown on his back.

As he lay there panting

he saw the moon riding in the sky above.

Glad to be of service, said Nasruddin.

Just as well I came along, wasn’t it?

261. Love.

Are you really aware of what anger is?

Are you really aware of it when it is present?

I ask these questions

because man is never present in the present.

Man lives in the past

and only becomes aware of anything