Текст книги "How to Make Love to a Woman: 69 Orgasmic Ways to Have Mind-Blowing Sex"

Автор книги: Xaviera Hollander

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Текущая страница: 3 (всего у книги 7 страниц)

20

DO INSIST SHE SLEEPS NAKED

Women aren’t the only ones who are bashful about their bodies, but most of the complaining letters I got over the years were from men who wondered why their wives wouldn’t sleep naked and actively avoided being seen naked. It’s all cultural conditioning and it can be undone over time. Personally, I have no tolerance for digging through night-clothes to get to my lover. I need easy access.

“One of the best lovers I ever had was always looking for opportunities to get out of his clothes.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, August 2003

I once had an affair with a Canadian who started off wonderfully naked, but then began wearing a T-shirt to bed. Then one night when winter was setting in, I cuddled up to him to discover he was wearing socks, long johns and a woolly thermal shirt. That was enough for me and I told my lover he could sleep somewhere else because the winters are long, and getting him out of his woodsman gear would be too much effort. But this piece of advice is more about your success than my personal preferences and here’s why.

First let me say that if you think that by insisting she sleep naked, you are cheating yourself out of sexy lingerie, you are wrong. Au contraire! The lingerie is necessary and fun, but make sure she understands that when she is under the covers with you, and it is time to sleep, the clothes come off.

You will win on two counts if you insist she sleeps naked next to you and make it a rule from the beginning. Not only will you have easy access to her through the night, but women like the little game of tug-of-war now and again, and the more harmless the game, the more they like it. You are giving her something to wrangle with you about. You are appealing to her brain clit. If she has her nightgown on when she crawls into bed, you say, “What is the matter with you?” and she can then giggle and remove her clothes, or make you remove them yourself. She might tell you it’s too cold, clobber you with the pillow and run—in which case, you must chase her! Whatever the result, you are setting yourself up for some steamy sex.

21

DO ENGAGE HER IN ‘DRESS-UP’ PLAY

A few years ago, G. Gordon Liddy was interviewed by an Atlanta radio station and when asked the secret to his successful marriage of over thirty years, he answered, “an active fantasy life.” If you want to fire up her imagination, if you want to stimulate her brain clit, get some costumes. Get some wigs if you have to. Be willing to don the wig and hook of a pirate. Be willing to be the chef or the police officer. Play different roles with her. She’ll say you are insane but her eyes and her actions will tell you that she adores you and she adores the effort you put into the game.

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

—Robert De Niro

An ex-lover of mine who was raised by British nannies once convinced me to put on the white apron (and nothing else) and simulate doing dishes so that he could get me from behind. Even though I initially resisted, it did lead to mind-blowing sex.

Having intercourse with a nurse in uniform or a doctor of either sex in a white coat is a very common fantasy and fantasy is a great way to get the two of you to the end goal.

I think that the feminist revolution has made most men (maybe just most American men), afraid to tell their partners that they would love to see them dressed in seamed black stockings and a French maid’s uniform, or in all black leather, or whatever it is he wants to see. The feminist revolution made being a sex object a bad thing—across the board. So the general male reluctance to elucidate what qualifies as an interesting sex object is understandable. It is a pity, because both men and women are losing as a result.

My advice is that you buy her the clothes you want to see her in. Or at the very least, go shopping with her. And make sure she knows that you will dress in a manner that pleases her, as well. Be sure you don’t go on your buying spree before you understand the woman you are dealing with. After all, you don’t want to give her a collar if, in her mind, she is the one who is supposed to be collaring you.

22

DO LEARN TO BE AN ACTOR

Putting on the costume won’t help if you can’t let go long enough to put on a little performance. You must get in tune with the actor in you; everyone has one, find yours. She will adore you for it.

One friend of mine had a marvelous lover who could out-act anyone I know. While they were visiting New York City, he told her way in advance that there would be one night that they would separate and meet up in the hotel bar as if strangers. For the days preceding this hook-up, they were forced to avoid the hotel bar because neither wanted it ruined in any way when they finally met as strangers. They didn’t want the bartender or anyone in the bar to know they were together.

On the night in question, he approached her at the bar and said, “Susan?” and she shook her head. She was not Susan and did not know this stranger-man. He explained that he had been stood up by his Internet date and that in fact my friend didn’t look anything like the woman he was supposed to meet, and struck up a conversation with her and pretended he was a business man with a wife and kids and corn back in Iowa.

When he had her in his room, after they had sex one time and were catching their breath, he admitted to her that he’s not married at all, doesn’t have a wife or kids or corn, had never been to Iowa, but that he played basketball for some team and had three of his friends in another room waiting to gang bang her. His intent was to scare her. He was trying to present her brain clit with an element of danger. But it backfired because she one-upped him. When he told her sternly of his plans, she giggled and said, “Oh, hon, bring ’em on!”

23

DO GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO “CHEAT”

I have heard many stories over the years from people who had discreet affairs and the carry over effect was “mind-blowing sex” with the partner at home. Understand that as women get older, their propensity to cheat increases exponentially. You should be mentally prepared for it.

The current reverence for the MILF* is a case in point. It is so easy today, with the advent of Internet match-making portals, for a suburban mother with three kids and a husband to find “a little discreet sex on the side” (so easy it would amaze you). Young men and middle aged men alike are attracted to the MILF for a variety of reasons.

“ ... the world waited until the end of the nineteenth century A. D. for systematic investigation into feelings and passion.”

—Lewis, Amini, Lannon,

A General Theory of Love

Over the years I got many letters from young women starting like this: “Why is he fucking these older women when he could have hot, young me?” When women are young, there is so much urgency to sexual relationships that generally they will engage in sex for fifteen to twenty minutes in silence, except for a few grunts and moans. After orgasm, they bound out of bed and get on with doing something else. That’s typical of women in their early twenties.

As women get older and the demands of small children and/or careers lighten up a bit, they begin to understand and appreciate the benefits of spending a whole afternoon in bed with a lover. They begin to relax and open up and by this point in life have gained the confidence to say, “I want to do this or that.”

So, the reason why many women, as they get older, as the marriage gets older, cheat is the same reason men do: because they can. And today, thanks to wonderfully robust Internet dating portals, it’s not hard for those many under-thirties looking for Mrs. Robinson to find her; nor is it difficult for the married men who might be her age, but are also just looking for some sex on the side.

Women cheat for the same reasons men do, to be reminded of their worth, to show to themselves that they are still desirable to other men. Sometimes women cheat just to experience the newness of a relationship and then they carry that glow home and have mind-blowing sex with their husbands. I know, I get their stories.

For the mature and adventurous couple, you might pre-empt her need to cheat by offering to find and bring a third party home (a man). Another way to provide her with the thrill without actually having to suffer infidelity is to role-play a cheating scene. Have her “act out” to you a confession of cheating and you can make a big scene and perhaps give her the drama she is craving.

*MILF is an Internet dating term used to describe hot women of child-rearing age—“Mothers I’d Like to Fuck.”₆₉

24

DON’T BE AFRAID TO MAKE “MAKE-BELIEVE” DANGER

Sex is good, but not worth dying for. I’ve known people who have sex under very dangerous conditions and, instead, I strongly recommend you simply learn to act at the proper time. Fucking at the wheel is risky, and sucking your girlfriend’s nipples whilst peering through the windshield round her female form, however skinny, is definitely dangerous. If that’s what tickles her brain clit or yours, then pretend you are driving! Park in a semi-public place and give her a thrill. How hard is that?

“Jeeves, the immortal gentleman’s gentleman, said, ‘I endeavor to give satisfaction.’ An admirable quality in a servant, but in a lover one wants more. Passion, pleasure, titillation of all the senses, supreme delight and total fulfillment—these are what making love is all about.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, November 1988

Most women’s fantasies involve some danger. The danger makes it exciting. The excitement is what she is seeking. Studies show that the adrenaline rush and endorphins produced from being frightened add to lustiness. Watch a scary movie together, ride a roller coaster together. I have also known couples who have a great time scaring each other with creepy masks, by hiding, by telling frightening stories . . . and they live lustily ever after, so there must be something to this.

25

DO THINK LIKE A LESBIAN

OK, you figured out she likes boxers and you got some and are wearing them. You planned a play-date with a pirate theme and donned the cape and plume. Your dinner was delivered and was in-theme (somehow). The music on the stereo was mellow and, more importantly, to her taste. You are in bed now and it’s your turn up to bat with the body clit. Don’t dive for it . . . yet.

When you get in bed with your woman, try to think like a lesbian. If you’ve ever watched two women together, they have none of the urgency that usually accompanies male/female sex. They are happy to take a leisurely stroll through the gardens of the flesh and, as a man, you should try to get yourself in that mind set.

You must be willing to do a slow exploration of her body and you will find her erogenous zones. And even if you’ve been there and done that, do it again! And again, and again.

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.”

—Sharon Stone

Start your journey by caressing every part of her body and watch her—watch for what she reacts to and what she doesn’t. Include massaging the head and scalp as this is excellent pre-foreplay (a relaxant) for many women. Knead, nibble, and squeeze the parts of the arms, the legs, and especially the thighs. Kiss the feet and lick the toes and don’t forget to lightly, or not so lightly, spank the ass. Pay attention then, and, when you are through with your journey, you will be filled with wisdom that, applied correctly, will make you a very rich person.

26

DO WAKE HER FOR SEX

Wake her up for sex. If you haven’t woken your lover for sex in the middle of the night, then you are missing something, and so is she. Especially if you went at it earlier, a second round in the middle of the night is very erotic for most women, but choose your timing. She’s not going to be so receptive if her alarm clock is set for 6:00 A. M.

“Many people who are classified as ‘oversexed’ are so filled with love for the human race that a beautiful body—and in particular beautiful sexual organs of both sexes—thrill them beyond belief.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, August 1998

27

DON’T LET YOUR PARTNER BE TOO COMFORTABLE

People with a zest for life have zesty sex lives. Boring people generally have boring sex lives. It is sad, but it happens, that we start in a relationship with someone who indeed has a zesty approach to life, but one day wake up and find that he or she has become the latter—the boring person, with a boring sex life, and you find that you have been dragged along to that sad place. If what I said describes you and your partner, you must do something right away! Every day you live with that, you are accepting a second-class life.

A boyfriend of mine had a peach tree which he grew from seed. When the tree was about ten years old, it was beautiful, but had never produced fruit. He consulted his agricultural specialist, an old Spanish farmer, who said, “The tree is too comfortable. Make it feel insecure. Beat it.” My boyfriend took a six-foot lead galvanized iron pipe and beat the daylight out of the poor tree. The following season it produced an enormous crop of fruit and has continued for many years. Now, I’m not suggesting that you beat your lover, but there is a lesson here somewhere.

A man never looks so good to his wife as when another woman is noticing him. A woman never works so hard at her relationship (or more specifically, the sexual relationship), as she does when she suspects that her man might be getting bored with her. So, yes, too much comfort and safety can be a bad thing. On the other hand, you don’t want to put her on edge unless you are able to do it without threatening her heart clit. That’s not something to be messing with casually. You might take an extra long look at a passing woman, but you better come right around and comfort the heart clit of the one you are with, or the results could be disastrous. The heart clit is the consequential one. The others are much more forgiving.

28

DO STUDY HER BODY

Learn her body as if you intended to sculpt it from memory. Even if some pretend otherwise (or especially if they pretend otherwise), every woman enjoys being with a man who can’t get enough of her. Every woman wants to have a lover who is totally into her body. One way of demonstrating how “into” her body you are is by studying it, scrutinizing it—use a flashlight if you think it helps. Make her giggle, make her gasp, and she will protest, but, underneath it all, she will be terribly flattered and likely to reward you in big way.

Try sketching her in the nude. Even if you can’t draw well, you can be impressionistic, and flattering.

Use edible body paint for some lighthearted play. Make sure that you are in fact using the edible, washable kind. A woman I knew well was shipped a box of body paints by a friend of hers with a note that said, “Have fun, you two!” and, within a week, my friend arranged a date with her lover for the express purpose of trying out the paints. His daughter was away, her kids were away, and the two of them got naked and got out the paints. Since he is a camera buff, the first thing he wanted to do was to take a picture of her with his name painted across her body. He painted “Humphrey’s Property” across her right ass cheek and going down her right leg. He took the photo. They laughed, and he went to get the wash-cloth. Then they learned that it was not washable and the two laughed till they cried over the trick her friend played on them. It took weeks of scrubbing before she got the graffiti off her body. So painting can be fun; just make damned sure it’s washable, and, better yet, edible.

29

DO GET HER TO MASTURBATE FOR YOU

Some men feel very insecure about their masculinity when they see their wife or girlfriend masturbating. This is not the mentality of a great lover, however. The great lovers are thrilled and excited and would pull up a chair and say, “Please, let me watch.”

Understand that for the same reasons men like to masturbate secretly, most women don’t want to be watched pleasuring themselves. This process, however, can shortcut your learning curve and thus shortcut the time to “mind-blowing” sex.

“Saying ‘everybody does it’ is not the right way to persuade a woman to do anything.”

– Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, October 2001

So insist upon it, whether she likes it or not. Be very patient, tell her how happy it would make you, that you don’t like to pressure her, but that you won’t give up, and tell her that just the thought of her masturbating turns you on immensely. Negotiate with her, work on her, get her to the point where you have equal rights to her body, and, if you do it in such a way as to make the heart clit safe and the brain clit interested, she will comply.

30

DO FIND HER EROGENOUS ZONES

Ears are often an ignored or underutilized erogenous zone. Both the lobe and the area behind the ear are hotwired to the nerves and can be stimulated with a tongue, a light probing finger, or heavy breathing. Some people can orgasm just from ear stimulation, so don’t ignore that body part. I sometimes refer to this feeling as an EARGASM.

Nibbled with the teeth, titillated with the tongue, the earlobe is a sensitivity center second to none and can be utilized in foreplay with far-reaching results. It is also more readily available in the winter when other, more obvious areas, are concealed beneath layers of thermal clothing.

It’s the same with the neck. Below the ears, in back where the hairline meets the neck . . . these are all erogenous zones. After all, where do you think the term “necking” originated?

Human hands have more than 72,000 nerve endings and having someone suck on your fingers as part of the warm-up can be titillating, if part of the exploration process and not a solo act. I once received a letter from a German reader who shared a glove fetish with his fiancée. This couple both wore leather gloves of different types while making love, but they had become so obsessed that they got to the stage of keeping the gloves on most of the time. In their own words, it was like a “superior, second skin.”

Unfortunately, the woman had developed a rash as a result, and they asked my advice. Obviously, I told them to leave the gloves off when they were not making love, but I also suggested that they experiment with some “way-out,” “kinky” sex, i.e., making love naked. As they were excited by the texture of the leather, I advised them to experiment with oils and creams on their skin (starting off with an ointment to cure the rash). Others wrote me about their ”hand fetishes,” but I do not classify the human hand as fetish material, simply because the hand is a sexual organ, and as such is used more than all the other sexual organs put together. From the grope on the behind or the grab at the tits, to the delicate caresses, the fingers touching the lips or running through the hair, to the final titillation of nipple or clit, sensation is both given and received through the fingertips.

Hands are sadly neglected as an erotic symbol, particularly in America, where people seem to be more into face-lifts and breast jobs. One can often recognize the true age of a person (male or female) by taking a quick look at their hands, because no matter how well their faces, tits, or peckers have been tightened up, the hand is an area the plastic surgeons have not yet conquered.

The use of nail polish and lipstick go back at least as far as ancient Egypt. Nefertiti appeared to have been a specialist in fondling her lovers’ genitals with varnish on her nails, or placing her succulent painted lips around their cocks. The makeup industry isn’t making a fortune for nothing out of the sale of perfumes, nail polish, eye makeup, and, last but not least, lipstick. These are the sexual accessories that women smear, spray, or pour over themselves to make them more appealing and attractive to men.

One day, while a group of friends and I were having dinner, we asked one another what appealed to us most about our lovers. One guy said, “I like her dewy bedroom eyes”; someone else was fascinated by his girlfriend’s big bottom and matching tits. My own lover told me that what fascinated him about me was my touch, in fact, the way I could excite him almost without touching him. Fortunately, I happen to be blessed with pretty hands—long, slender fingers and tiny wrists, which I suppose I had the good luck to inherit from my mother.

There is nothing unusual in adoring the beauty of a woman’s hands, whether she is fondling your cock, loading the dishwasher, or even knitting. Unfortunately, many men do not consider it important to look after their hands. We hear a lot about the delicate, sensitive fingers of a surgeon or a pianist, but never about the square, capable hands of a carpenter or a mechanic. Strangely enough, it is usually men with those competent hands who make the best lovers.

Because of its proximity to the genitals, a woman’s navel is like a secondary vulva to some men. In the past, women fiercely concealed their navels; now they display them in perfect freedom on beaches and in other public places, in spite of or because of their erotic effect on men.

Stimulating the navel with your tongue, or rubbing body lotion or suntan oil in and around it, can be very sexually arousing to both men and women. Women that have to undergo a heavy stomach operation or receive a cesarean often beg their surgeons to make sure they leave a so-called bikini scar, which is a line that borders on their pubic hair and leaves the rest of their belly untouched and the navel as appealing as ever. Belly dancers often insert a ruby or other precious stone in their navels, and some tribes in India do so as well.

The navel, as well as the crack of the buttocks, is a great turn-on to many men, and, in some instances, an inventive lover has poured drops of champagne in either of these love creases and then devoured the liquid. Tickling a navel with your tongue, slightly scratching around it or teasing it with a feather or a flower or a piece of grass may arouse hidden ardor in your lover.

A little research shows that there is a definite take-it-or-leave-it attitude about this delectable decoration. And when it comes to photo shoots of beautiful women, the navel is rarely featured as a sexual attribute. This is very odd, considering that this beautiful belly embellishment was once so necessary to the erotic paintings of yore.

The incidence of the navel as an erogenous zone seems to vary a great deal, but this also applies to other parts of the body, particularly the male nipple. Very few men are excited by attention to their teats, and, surprisingly, only about fifty percent of women are driven wild by attention to their breasts. In my opinion, however, the sensitivity of erogenous zones can be developed through TLC to the extent that one famous lady is reported as saying, “It doesn’t matter where you touch me; my whole body is an erogenous zone.”