Текст книги "How to Make Love to a Woman: 69 Orgasmic Ways to Have Mind-Blowing Sex"

Автор книги: Xaviera Hollander

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10

MAKE IT SAFE FOR HER TO PLAY (Taking Care of Her Heart Clit)

The only way you are going to get most women to abandon themselves to sex, and thereby participate in the “mind-blowing” aspects of it, is to make it safe for her to play. The key to her heart clit is making her comfortable. This is the opposite of how you stimulate the brain clit, but therein you see the complexities of dealing with a woman. You have to learn to make her heart feel safe, so that she will let you tickle her brain clit in unsafe ways. It’s required.

I am not going to attempt to explain all the ways to make a woman feel safe, because it would be an impossible task. All women are different; safe to one is scary to another. Some women want to have their hand held every time they go out with their partner, others find this stifling. It’s part of your job to get to know her and understand what makes her feel safe.

“Emotion is the messenger of love; it is the vehicle that carries every signal from one brimming heart to another. For human beings, feeling deeply is synonymous with being alive.”

—Lewis, Amini, Lannon,

A General Theory of Love

Poetry and love letters, flowers and thoughtful gifts, opening doors and steering her gently but firmly with your hand on her elbow or arm around her waist, candlelight and soft music, champagne and a breathtaking view, breaking your stride to help an old woman or a child . . . these are the staples of heart clit stimulation. These are the things that make women’s hearts smile, but they are not the things that make her wet, not normally. It’s the brain clit teasing that makes her wet. But to get there, the heart must be willing and so these time honored traditions remain marks of love and chivalry—easy and not remarkably innovative, and yet consistently effective.

11

WEAR THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR

Silky stockings with a seam up the back, high heels, French maid’s clothes—these are just some of the clothes that men expect women to wear because it turns them on. And if you heed my advice and you tend to her clits, she will do, say, and wear, anything you want her to do, say, and wear. That’s where you want to have repeat sessions, on-demand, of mind-blowing sex. So, find out if she’s a boxer girl or a brief girl. If you think these details are unimportant, ask yourself how you feel about making love to a beautiful woman wearing granny panties. Hmm, I thought so. Just find out what her preference is and wear it when you are with her. If the thought of switching from briefs to boxers or boxers to briefs still makes you shake your head, then remember this: I’m not asking you to don four-inch heels.

“I find that slim hipped men tend to wear the briefest of bikini slips, in all different colors. More conservative men prefer to wear white cotton jockey pants. The all-American sporty fellow will like boxer shorts, since they leave a lot of space for his balls to breathe. Of course, the hip young man will wear nothing at all, just so women like me can easily check out his cock and balls.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, April 1977

12

MAKE YOUR SURROUNDINGS EROTIC

Make your surroundings erotic. If you want to make the statement that you are a sensual being (and who wouldn’t want that?) then make sure that where you live has sensual surroundings. Use flowers, candles, soft music, and maybe even erotic art, which today is a field of its own. Feng Shui your way to declaring who you are and what is important to you.

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

—Billy Crystal

When you are planning your date, think like a theater producer, like a set designer. Think about what kind of erotic mood you are trying to set and put some energy into adding special touches that will enhance that mood.

“Think Like a Set Designer. What is the scene you are trying to create? Is it a Hindu temple? A magic cave? A vampire’s lair? Another planet? Be creative! You do not have to go out and have a set built, but keeping an image in mind will make it easier and more fun to choose the elements you’ll use to create your space.”

—Barbara Carrellas,

Urban Tantra

You must know that you have to carefully plan your spontaneity. Only the most practiced and sophisticated seducers can get away without forethought and planning. Scratch that. This group of men has done it so many times that it is habit—which means they are giving it forethought, as well, but without the energy it might take Mr. Average Joe. Women love spontaneity and they don’t even mind if it is a bit contrived—in this case, it is truly the thought that counts. Women love it when a man tries to be romantic and tries to be creative. It doesn’t happen much, so when a woman stumbles across a man who puts real effort into creating the scene, reading her, and making it right, it is likely she will end up adoring him.

13

TRAIN YOUR BODY

You will never be a great lover without stamina. Men who exercise have more staying power, just like women who exercise have an easier time reaching climax. Maybe it is the act of respecting our bodies, maybe it is the confidence that comes naturally from being fit, or maybe it is purely stamina, but the benefits to your sex life for being in good shape are numerous. Don’t try to take short-cuts. Even if Viagra makes your penis stay hard for a long time, if you want to be a great lover, you need to be in shape.

Aside from the physical efforts to get your body to its prime, look also at supplements and foods that might lend a helping hand. There are a number of plants and vitamins, for example, that reportedly help boost sexual stamina. From Linda Sussman’s book Complete Satisfaction, we get this list of vitamins that contribute to healthy sex: Gingko biloba is known to improve blood flow through the body, promoting potency in men and orgasmic release in women. Ginseng encourages the body to make more testosterone. St. John’s wort is a natural antidepressant and a natural libido lifter (it is also known to decrease effectiveness of the birth control pill, so beware on this one). Avena sativa, a green oat straw, is known to alleviate problems of low libido, again, by raising testosterone levels. And finally, there is damiana, which is a sexual stimulant that increases circulation to the genitals.

Sexy fruits and spices known for their aphrodisiac-like affects include oranges, which boost the flow of blood to the penis, and strawberries, which are known for their contribution to sexual satisfaction, Pumpkin pie is said to make both sexes horny (actually, it’s the nutmeg and cinnamon, not the pie, but the pie generally comes with whipped cream, and that has possibilities all on its own).

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

—Robin Williams

Sweat is actually a powerful aphrodisiac. Don’t think you must shower after working out and before engaging in sexual activity. Although some clean-freaks will insist, they don’t know that sweat is filled with “come fuck me” pheromones. I have read that in Europe during the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, a courting woman would stick a slice of apple under her armpit and wear it there; when she met a suitable suitor, she would offer him her “love fruit.”

14

TRAIN YOUR PENIS

All the truly great lovers I know and have known, were serious jerk-off artists all their lives and they not only regard masturbation as a necessary workout, but use their solitary exercise sessions to practice gaining and losing erections, delaying orgasm, and perfecting new or unusual sexual techniques. In the end, their ladies win from those efforts.

Most men masturbate. Were it not for the fact that there are a few guys around who are genuinely impotent, I would say that all men masturbate. And most men have a complicated two-way relationship between their ego and their penis, i.e., almost all men hate to be caught masturbating. Most of you began masturbating under furtive circumstances, and perhaps, part of the thrill is in the secrecy of it.

“The secret masturbator is an addict to his/her solitary sessions and regards them as being on par with religious meditation, a search for nirvana.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Magazine

, July 2001

I once received a letter from a young man that contained a little quiz. It read as follows: Which part of the human anatomy does a man use most when he masturbates? Answer: His ears, as he is constantly listening to see if someone is coming to catch him in the act.

The very horny, and the more intelligent of the male species, masturbate before a first date—to get that tension out of the way, so that he can act normal until the designated hour when acting normal is no longer what the date requires. A normal, healthy young man should, from the age of puberty, have a powerful sex drive—recent studies show that it is normal for them to think about sex every 20 to 30 seconds (the high end) down to a mere few hundred times a day (those with a lower libido). Levels of horniness also fluctuate seasonally, climatically, and according to external stimuli like witnessing the phases of the moon or getting a glimpse of a pair of ladies’ underwear hanging in the bathroom.

“People who are scared of sensuality usually end up as campaigners against all forms of eroticism, so if you like sex, and you are in a relationship with one of those, two words for you: get out.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, January 1988

Masturbation is simply nature’s way of relieving tension; it’s also a healthy exercise and the best way to train your penis. In addition, men last longer the second time around and your more experienced female partners know that. Those ladies expect more than one round, and often a mind-blowing fuck requires more than one round.

But sometimes masturbation isn’t OK. For years, sexual publications (including my own) have been saying there is nothing wrong with masturbation. Wrong! A man who sneaks off to the bathroom to masturbate as an alternative to having sex with a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman who is panting to make love to him is either asshole of the month or seriously disturbed. On the other hand, masturbation is a perfect antidote to living with an ice-queen and many marriages are surviving only because of the willingness of the husband to take matters “in hand.”

One man I knew, who complained that his wife was no longer interested in sex, told me that he took pictures of her while she was sleeping and then slid off to the bathroom and masturbated to those photos. I thought “How marvelous!” because my experience with men tells me that most want to masturbate to fantasies of variety—not to the woman they have easy access to day in and day out. “How cool for her!” I thought, to have a man who kept her front and center of his fantasies. However, one day she caught him, called him a “pervert,” and threw him out. I had to advise him that he was better off.

15

TRAIN YOUR BRAIN

Train your brain through literature and the performing arts. Any man who has not been exposed to these is handicapping himself. Read about love, read the classics—Romeo and Juliet, Love Story, or West Side Story. Have a decent command of your language. More women are seduced by words than by deeds.

But most importantly, develop your listening skills.

Women are conditioned to believe that men never listen to them. Want to tickle her brain clit? Try listening. And then do that one better. Give her back her own words in a surprising moment. What do most great love scenes have besides sex? Great sex dialogue. And by combining clever dialogue with a bit of surprise (surprise—I was listening!), you have unlocked the key to her brain clit.

Here’s an example: In a story she mentions that the waiter accidentally brought her crayfish and she hates crayfish and her story rattles on. You grab at that clue (women drop clues all the time as a result of their chatty nature, you just have to know what to pick up and how to apply it). Hours or days later, you are at a restaurant with her and she goes to the bathroom and when she comes back, you say, “I ordered for you.” And she says, happily (she is happy because men don’t usually have the nerve to do this, so you’ve again surprised her), “What did you order me?” And you say (naturally), “Crayfish.” And watch her face fall and the smile appear as she gets that you are just messing with her. Humor. Intelligence. You were LISTENING! A triple hitter in the clit department.₄₃

CASANOVA’S DOS & DON’TS

16

DON’T EXPECT HER TO COACH YOU

Unless you are a young male hooked up with his Mrs. Robinson, or unless you are on the fringe seeking your dominatrix, you shouldn’t be expecting the woman to coach you. One of the reasons women are so reluctant to share their fantasies is because they think you should already know! They don’t want to have to explain; they want you to take the clues and signals that she is giving, and work with them. Turn her desires over and over in your mind and come up with something special and suitable to her. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t want to be orchestrating, managing, or directing. Most women are seeking to be with a man they can trust to do this for them, so, if you want coaching, fess up, tell her you need a Mrs. Robinson, and you might get lucky. You probably won’t get “mind-blowing” sex right away—or you might and she won’t—but at least you are taking the learning steps.

“Many women may want to be dominated but just don’t know that they do. Be their teacher, but be absolutely sure that you do your teaching gradually. After all, you don’t pick out the handcuffs before you’ve made the girl.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, August 1977

Confidence is everything in the mating game. Instead of fumbling around and trying to feel the person out, be direct, be clear. And don’t be afraid to take the lead. Most women are fascinated by the caveman and his club, much as we bitch about the caveman mentality. It’s because unlike the rest of life, it’s simple. “He’s big, fighting him would be futile, sex will be good anyway, and how fun to not have to think about anything except my pleasure. But he won’t think I’m valued if I go at a crook of his finger, so I’ll make him chase me around the field a bit.”

Women are contrary creatures, but we all have one thing in common—we like to play coy and hard to get. No woman wants to think of herself as “easy,” in any sense of the word. If it turns out she wants to take the lead, then I’d say you are a lucky boy and let her, but my experience tells me that it is far more likely that she is watching you, to see what kind of a leader you can be in the game of sex-play—and the game of life.

17

DO USE IMAGINATION, ANTICIPATION, AND SURPRISE

Out in the wide world of working folk, men tend to be more creative than women. But somehow, that creativity dies in the bedroom. A woman, on the other hand, becomes more creative as she ages, as she passes through menopause. If you don’t have an imagination, get one. If you have one you are not using, start exercising that along with your body and your penis.

Use your imagination to establish the place, the time, and the theme. Do pick a theme, and you should both dress for the occasion. Even if you dress fabulously every day of the week, there still should be something special about how you are each prepared for a date.

“Good sex between good partners always involves some mystery.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, July 1978

Next, build anticipation for sex by teasing your lover during the day with phone calls, e-mails, or text messages. Make them brief, but to the point—“couldn’t wait, had 2 mstrbate 2 thoughts of U,” “don’t wear underwear 2nite,” or, simply, “I can’t wait 2 C U.”

Studies have shown that women who do mental rehearsals of the pending sex, especially if those women have trouble with orgasms, warm up much quicker than without the preparatory pre-thinking. One study found that the same women who normally required significant physical foreplay to get warmed up, required only thirty seconds if they devoted time to the pre-sex thinking. Part of the return on requiring a dress theme is that it puts her thoughts to sex with you during the hours leading up to the actual rendezvous.

18

DO STUDY SEX TOGETHER

In the process of trying to find out what kind of sexplay would most get her going, engage her in the act of studying sex together. This has the huge upside of providing good sex along the way. You might even tumble upon mind-blowing sex in the process.

Study together. Read the Kama Sutra together. Read erotica to one another; watch erotic films together. A woman who is reluctant to discuss her own preferences will be happy to talk about a movie, and if you are listening, you will hear those preferences in how she reacts to the film.

“My general rule of thumb is, if she dresses like a lady, treat her like a slut and if she dresses like a slut, treat her like a lady.”

—Damien von Dahlen, advice on how to pick up women

Be careful in jumping to conclusions though. A friend of mine once told her boyfriend that she thought one of the hottest films out in many years was a film called The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover. They watched it together and because there is a serious dose of humiliation dished out to the lead female in the film, her boyfriend—without discussion—concluded that she wanted that and proceeded to humiliate her verbally, in a miserably failed attempt to stimulate her brain clit. She started to cry, then got her car keys and left. When he caught up with her later, he spent a long time convincing her that he didn’t mean any of it and that he was just emulating the husband from the film. As I said, a miserable attempt at stimulating the brain clit.

Here’s a useful tip in regard to determining how submissive or how dominant a woman wants to be in the bedroom—and this is just a generalization, but I think it will ring true to your ears as well. I believe that the more subservient the public life, the more she will likely be dominant in her fantasies. Conversely, the more dominant she is in her public life, the more likely she is to play submissive in her fantasies. (This is just a rough guide, boys. You need much more information to know for sure.)

19

DO BRING OUT THE GIRL IN HER

Most educated women today recognize the importance of keeping in touch with their “inner girl,” no matter if that woman is 20, 50, or 90. This is important to women, because being in touch with their inner girl keeps them open minded about new experiences, it gives them back a sense that anything is possible, even if everything isn’t possible any more. If you want mind-blowing sex, you have to be introduced to her inner girl and she’s not going to just offer that up to you—you’ll have to search for her.

“I would like to have a child. A very wise and witty little girl who’d grow up to be the woman I could never be. A very independent little girl with no scars on the brain or the psyche.... A little girl who said what she meant and meant what she said. A little girl who was neither bitchy nor mealy-mouthed.... What I really wanted was to give birth to myself—the little girl I might have been in a different family, a different world.”

—Erica Jong,

Fear of Flying

So what do little girls like? It’s not as hard to figure out as you think. Little girls like laughter and lightness. They like to throw themselves into the act of primping, a form of body worship that begins at a young age. That’s a very good starting point for men. Bathe her, wash her hair, paint her toenails, put her make-up on her. Shave her. These are all very intimate acts that tend to revive the girl in the woman.

If your partner is experimental and lets you have a say in her body hair, and if you can’t decide whether you want her armpits shaven or not, be bold. Have her shave one and grow the other of her charm pits. A woman would object, but the girl in her would smile gratefully at the idea.

“If you men are seeking complete hairlessness, then there is a product designed specially for men, called Golden Balls, available in gay shops in England.... But even if you star in a world-class porn movie, it is still considered perfectly acceptable to have a hairy scrotum.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, September 1998

I have shaved my pussy on many occasions and found that it made me feel like a very horny virgin. And though I have never met a man who didn’t adore it, women often object on the very valid grounds that it is a bitch to maintain. In the last decade, however, the pharmacies have started stocking a wide array of shaving tools for men and women, for tender areas and for not so tender areas. The best for private parts, in my opinion, is Schick’s new razor with the soap around it, called “Intuition.” It’s a wonderful little gadget that has the razor built into a square of soap. Years ago I would tell the men, “give her a break, it’s not an easy thing to maintain.” Now I tell them, if you want her completely bald, then participate in the maintenance, make it fun, and use the right tools.

In fact, you should make a game out of shaving each other. It can be great fun. Even if you are using a razor with the soap around it, don’t skip the part about lathering up your partner as a prelude to the actual act. Do it in the bathtub, with you sitting and her standing. Be sure to reach back and get the hair between the front equipment and the ass. Make it more of a game by trying to get rid of all of your own body hair as well, and experiencing complete baldness. A small penis will look much larger with the hair gone and a bald vagina always looks young and innocent. In addition, both partners will experience a totally new feeling of excitement, especially right after being shaved, since the pubic area becomes almost twice as sensitive and even the slightest rubbing of underpants or jeans can arouse you.