Текст книги "How to Make Love to a Woman: 69 Orgasmic Ways to Have Mind-Blowing Sex"

Автор книги: Xaviera Hollander

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How to Make Love to a

Woman

69 Orgasmic Ways to Have

Mind-Blowing Sex

By Xaviera Hollander

with Katje van Dijk

Copyright © 2013 by Xaviera De Vries and Christeen Meeusen

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ISBN: 978-1-62873-488-1

Printed in China

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

The BASICS

CASANOVA’S DOS & DON’TS

POSITIONS & TRICkS

GETTING KINKY

Epilogue

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My heartfelt thanks and gratitude to katje, as I could never have put this book together without her. She was my muse, my inspiration, and my organizer. Best of all, we had much fun putting this together. Thank you, katje, for your hard work, and for lending your sense of humor to the process.

INTRODUCTION

“In my opinion there are really very few frigid women and lots of lousy lovers.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters,

August 1978

What I have put together in these pages are the best tips for pleasuring a woman, and in the process, have mind-blowing sex. And if you follow the advice herein, you will have that kind of sex over and over again. I tried hard to avoid doing what others have done—and that is: stating the obvious. You will not find advice in here about how to attract and seduce a mate; you won’t hear me telling you to brush your teeth before a kissing session. You should know that already. These sixty-nine tips are devoted to getting you to mind-blowing sex, time and time again. If you want the basics, buy one of those other books. This book is for the man who is serious about getting the most out of his sex life.

I do start by assuming you have a sex partner in your life, because, for most women, the casual dalliance or “one night fling” is not usually where she has had her best sex. It happens, but it is rare. For most women, to get to good sex they have to abandon themselves to the animal act, and getting to that point requires a lot of trust. You can’t build the kind of trust you need, generally, in the first date.

Yes, there are couples who report having mind-blowing sex the first time, but I would say that this happened either because they had gotten to know each other very well ahead of time, or because the man had a lot of experience and was very good at reading her, or else they were just both horny as hell and it scratched an itch and seemed mind-blowing, even though it was rather ordinary.

If you want consistently great sex, you must please your partner. If you want her purring at your feet and willing to play any game or do anything your vivid imagination comes up with, you have to keep yourself focused on her satisfaction first and foremost. Great lovers know that. Great sex is unforgettable sex, and great lovers are known for making an unforgettable memory, a memory that remains with her for years or decades to come. That’s what you want, and that’s what this book will coach you to do.

THE BASICS

1

UNDERSTAND THE HOLY TRILOGY OF THE CLITORII

For more than thirty years, I have been advising men that when it comes to women, more than 90% of sex is between the ears. Recently, I had an opportunity to interview a modern day “dating and mating anthropologist” Robert Sherwood. He lamented that the problem with men is that they don’t look past the one clit—they don’t see that women have three clits. Mr. Sherwood expounded on his theory of the Trinity of the Clitorii. “All three are erogenous zones,” he said. “And they are all intricately connected. If you feed only one of the three, or even two of the three, she will starve. You must tend to all of her clits, as if they are one.” I was delighted with his metaphor because it put an exclamation point on my theory—you can’t just tease the body, you have to tease her mind and heart as well.

Women have much more complex needs than men and a man needs to understand that complexity to be a great lover. You can take all the sex tips in the world, but unless you can read her needs properly, and unless you can apply the actions to her moods properly, you are going to miss the mark and mind-blowing sex will elude you. One woman wants it hard and rough and another wants it soft and cuddly. The same woman will want both at different times. She may need to be taken one night and another time she wants a very easy friend to cuddle with. You have to learn all you can learn about her and then apply it to cradling her heart clit and tickling her brain clit. And, of course, if you don’t feed her vivid imagination and need for fantasy, she will likely find someone who can.

Generally, men are much more simple beings. As a group, you have your complexities and issues, but when it comes to matters of the heart, the simpler the better for most men. Here’s your tip: Dump that mode of thinking and learn to be more complex yourself. Learn to present both the good boyfriend and the bad. “Women are seeking the perfect combination of gentleman and arse,” said Mr. Sherwood, and he’s right. Get in touch with the warrior and the wimp in you. Seek out the good guy and bad guy in you. And learn how to present each at just the right moments.

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

—George Burns

To get her heart clit stimulated, you just have to be a decent person. Have high integrity. Do what you say you are going to do. Say what you mean. Make her feel safe. A woman’s heart craves safety.

To stimulate her brain clit, abandon the good boy and bring out the bad boy. Women are genetically programmed to seek out the alpha male (the bad boy) and he is the one who stands out from the pack. It’s the same reason why a beautiful woman can have four men fawning all over her and the one she is rubber-necking is the one who just insulted her as he passed by. Well, sort of insulted her. What he was really doing was tickling her brain clit when he leaned down close and said, “You’d be mighty pretty if you didn’t wear so much make-up.” He made himself stand out from the pack, he stimulated her brain clit by challenging her, and he did it discreetly, privately, which was another signal—this one to her heart clit, a signal that said “this man would be safe to engage with.” That’s why I said it is complicated. The heart wants safety—the brain wants thrill.

To be a great lover, to provide mind-blowing sex time and time again, you must first understand and come to grips with the Holy Trinity of the Clitorii. You must understand the varying needs of the various clits. You must learn to engage the brain clit, soothe the heart clit, and if you do that, the body clit will follow you in any flavor of sex, any game, any position, any time, any place, and anywhere.

2

GET HER TALKING AND SHARING

Once I was interviewed on a TV show with Tom Snyder, who asked me what I liked to do best with a new lover. I replied, “It’s a four-letter word that ends in ‘K,’ and it means ‘intercourse,’ and I like to do it all night and a lot of the rest of the time.” Tom said “Oh, I’ve got my hand ready on the bleeper button,” grinning at me. “It’s the big one, isn’t it?” he asked. “It’s big with me,” I replied. “The word is ‘talk.’”

“Women can be ruined by lovers, but mere acts of libertinism are quickly forgotten.”

—Madame Saint-Ange, who claimed to have slept with over 12,000 men during twelve years of marriage

“Intercourse” also means “communication,” and if she can’t talk to you or you can’t talk to her, your experiences of mind-blowing sex are going to be quite limited. The better you communicate verbally with your lover, the better the sex is going to be. Quality conversation is a huge part of sex and, for most women, the key to stimulating the brain clit. It is also the fastest way for you to learn what you need to learn about her so you can do what you need to do to make it safe for her heart clit. Never forget the heart clit: if you don’t make it safe for her, she won’t go to the limits for you. Her heart clit must be safe in order for her brain clit to go for the gold. And if you take care of those dominant clits (the heart and brain), the body clit will absolutely follow.

Getting women to talk is not usually a problem, but most women would rather die than verbalize the secrets of their anatomy and they are much worse about sharing the secrets of the dominant clits. Gentlemen, proceed with caution; go slowly, and expect to have to build some trust first.

“Basically, I think I was furious with my mother for not teaching me how to be a woman, for not teaching me how to make peace between the raging hunger in my cunt and the hunger in my head.”

—Erica Jong,

Fear of Flying

And it’s quite fair to use every trick in the book, including asking her if she’ll tell you one simple fantasy, and if necessary, asking her while her clit is writhing under the pleasure of your tongue. Make sure she understands that the only reason you want to know is because your number one interest is in pleasing her. Withhold cock from her at an untimely moment and make her promise to tell you one little thing, and assure her that you won’t ask again for a month. Tend to her heart clit at the same time. Make her feel safe to tell you anything. That’s the only way she‘ll share her secrets. It is highly worth the trouble. Because once you can talk about your fantasies, once you have a trusted and beloved play partner, the sky is the limit and sexual freedom is at hand.

Be ready, though, to hear things that might shock you. One man from a very white suburb in middle America, bought a couples game from the local bookstore, a game which required that he and his wife make a list of fantasies that each of them always wanted to play out. In between “have you wash my hair” and “have you suck on my toes,” she had written “Have you watch me do it with a big, angry black man.” Mr. Middle America thought she was kidding.

3

BRING ALL THE CONFIDENCE YOU HAVE, ALL YOU CAN MUSTER

There is probably nothing more unromantic than a bumbler. If you have games you want to play, positions you want to try, places you want to do it, then you must be able to put those into literate sentences. Practice if you have to, but get so that what comes out of your mouth sounds like the most natural and wonderful thing the two of you could do together. If she balks, act like you don’t understand. Scratch your head. Say, “Why would you be afraid to do that?” and fall to your knees and say, “Baby, I adore you. . . . I just want to play together.”

If you are going to attempt to have mind-blowing sex, you have to have some ideas about how you would achieve that and you have to be able to communicate them, confidently, and with charm. If you can’t do the charm thing, then be extra bossy and explain that you can’t help yourself, she turns you on so much that you become this whole other animal. Women will cut men a lot of slack for sins made in the name of their beauty.

Even if you are experimenting for the first time, be confident, at least, about how you want to play and what you want to do. Be absolutely OK with who you are—don’t apologize for anything about yourself; you have to like yourself if you want someone else to like you, and all men should have figured that out by now.

4

NO COMPLAINTS

Throughout every interaction leading up to the mind-blowing sex, make sure you do not complain about anything. Complaining is too close to whining and whining is a physical turn off for most healthy and normal women. It is a sad fact that some people seem to find everything in life so unpleasant that they do nothing but grumble. These are the losers of our world. If a person only gets his kicks out of complaining, I say let them—but don’t make the mistake of hooking up with one of them. Remember that advice for all your dates. Nothing turns off a person faster than chronic unhappiness and if you can’t get through a first date without complaining about someone or something, then you are not likely to have many more.

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

—Woody Allen

The exception to this, of course, is if your fantasy role-play demands complaints—many of them do. If you are playing the king of the castle and she is playing a lowly servant girl, then it may very well be a legitimate part of your role to tell her she’s moving too slow to quench your thirst, that she should get on her knees to make atonement, and in this particular instance, it’s even OK to complain while she’s giving you the blow job. Just make sure that when it’s over, she has no complaints.

5

NO WORRIES

Stop worrying. Worrying has no place in sex—it is an ”anti-sex” emotion. When you set out to play, play. Sex is to adults as play is to children and when children engage in a playful activity, they forget everything else and devote themselves to the endeavor. More grownups should follow their lead. Lay your worries on the doorstep before laying your partner. Forget the bills, forget the kids, and for goodness’ sake, don’t go into it worried about your penis size or if you can please your mate.

“Man exists in one of two states: getting his dick touched and waiting to get his dick touched.”

—Robert Sherwood

Not that there isn’t cause to worry. There is. The male sexual organ is a wayward little prick. A man may find a female irresistibly attractive, but his pecker just hangs its head and ignores her. The next day, however, on a crowded bus or in the middle of a meeting, it suddenly stands to attention for no reason at all, to the enormous embarrassment of the man at the top. This problem is comparatively common in young men and is usually caused by lack of confidence or fear of failure. Unfortunately, it tends to magnify itself because the surest way to stay soft is to worry about not being able to get hard.

The penis is controlled by the brain, and although the programmer of that neurotic computer lives in a bombproof bunker somewhere between the ears, there are ways to reach him. Your dick can usually be coaxed upright by manual manipulation. In the privacy of your room, you can experiment on the kind of caress you like best. I once knew a man who used to smack his cock with the flat of his hand and say, “Take that, you little bastard!” and it would usually spring erect!

6

LEARN TO LOVE YOUR BODY

Learn to love your body—or at least learn to pretend! The current environment of “plastic surgery made easy” has people doing all kinds of crazy things to themselves in the hopes of changing their lives radically. By ignoring the fact that one must learn to be comfortable in his own skin, happy with one’s own body, many people are missing one of the greatest turn-ons there is in the sexual mating game—and that is confidence. Without it, you are unlikely to experience mind-blowing sex.

“There is very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’”

—Jerry Seinfeld

Sometime in your life, you’ve seen, I’m sure, the fat, toady, cigar-smoking, roly-poly, bald sixty-ish man walking with a possessive arm around a beautiful young woman (clearly not his daughter), and you probably assume it’s a money thing. You could very well be wrong. Women can’t resist confidence and a man who feels attractive, whether he is or isn’t, emits a powerful karmic aphrodisiac that surrounds him. Men feel the same way about women, becoming hopelessly attracted to someone very average or even ugly, but convinced she is beautiful because she acts like she is. Take a lesson from this.

7

LEARN TO READ HER

Here’s a quote from the Kama Sutra that tells you “why” you need to be able to read her:

“Men who are well acquainted with the art of love are well aware how often one woman differs from another in her sighs and sounds during the time of congress. Some women like to be talked to in the most loving way, others in the most lustful way, and others in the most abusive way, and so on. Some women enjoy themselves with closed eyes in silence, others make a great noise over it, and some almost faint away. The great art is to ascertain what gives them the greatest pleasure, and what specialities they like best.”

More simply put, “You must learn to read her, because every woman is different.” Every woman’s wants and needs are different and you can’t be a good lover if you can’t give her what she needs, and you can’t give her what she needs if you can’t read her signals. The signals are always there; few men are good at reading them.

Thirty years ago, two scientists confirmed Darwin’s evolutionary theory of emotions that declares that facial expressions are identical all over the globe—that there is no culture where the people express happiness by frowning or sadness by smiling. So there are no tricks here. You just have to be paying attention.

Certainly you’ve encountered a film where you get a bird’s eye view of a woman being mauled by a man she doesn’t want to make love to, or a close-up of a woman allowing her husband to make love to her, but she clearly just wants to get it over with. The men in those roles, if you noticed, were not looking at their partners’ faces. If they had, they would have known, and they would have stopped.

Good lovers pay close attention to the face and to every reaction a woman’s body has to every touch and every word and adjusts his game, if he has to, on his mission to please.

8

STAY FOCUSED

Speaking of keeping your eye on her face, be sure to lock eyes now and again. Don’t be afraid to hold her gaze. This “creeps out” some young women—the shy, the inexperienced—but it is also required for many more women. With this latter group, if you can’t or won’t look her straight in the eyes, you can probably forget about mind-blowing sex. Being able to hold her gaze, to look into the depths of her eyes and see her soul and, all the while, share yours can be a powerfully erotic experience. Don’t be afraid to linger there.

“The intention is not to leave the body, but to drop into the body more deeply and completely.”

—Barbara Carrellas, Urban Tantra

Eye-gazing is one way to stay focused, to stay in tune with what she is experiencing. Her breathing, what her body is doing (i.e., is she flinching, or pushing into you for more?), her heartbeat, the sounds she is making—this is all information you must constantly be aware of.

9

LEARN TO PLAY

Learn how to play, an absolute requirement for great sex. An ex-boyfriend of mine once told me a story about how he had seduced an actress, who at fifty-something years of age, was still outstandingly beautiful and had a perfect figure. They sat on the couch in her living-room in the presence of her twenty-five year-old daughter, whose boyfriend was also visiting, and pretended that they were a young Victorian couple who were going to elope.

They acted the scene perfectly right up to the final curtain, when they exited and the actress led the way into her bedroom. At that point, the daughter shouted out, “Hey, Mom! Do you want a feather duster to brush the cobwebs off of it?” The point is not the sassy daughter with the delightful sense of humor, but I just couldn’t tell half a story. The point is that this man knew how to seduce a woman.

Great lovers are not afraid to look foolish. I think every female falls in love with Kevin Kline in Sophie’s Choice when he arranges for a picnic where the threesome dresses as wealthy, early twentieth century southern plantation owners. But not all women necessarily like to dress up. Your woman might consider it more erotic to find a place to do some mud-wrestling—which brings you back to understanding her and what turns her on. Sometimes play can happen spontaneously, but if you are not a natural, then do some planning. Think about the type of play she would like and you would like and put some thought into coordinating the event and the timing. It’s best if you custom tailor the play to the woman. If she finds it hot to be in hot-tubs, perhaps you engineer a surprise for her that involves a hot tub. Perhaps you fill her hot tub with rubber duckies and let her find them on her own. Or, as another example, if she is very straight, but has an active interest in the goth crowd, perhaps you buy her a wig and costume and make her go out to an expensive restaurant with you as if she dresses that way all the time. The more personal the type of play, the more effective. But all the same, I have included a series of popular fantasy role-plays at the end of the book for those of you who need help getting started.