Текст книги "Love's Secret Torment"

Автор книги: Stacy L. Darnell

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

We got to the restaurant and rode the elevator up to the top of the building. It was beautiful seeing the city lights through the walls of glass.

“Wow, it’s so pretty here. Look at the view,” I whispered.

He smiled at me. “I was hoping you’d like it.”

“Have you been here before?” I asked. “I wonder what’s good. I bet everything’s delicious.”

“No, I haven’t eaten here before. But I’m glad my first time is with you.” He smiled softly, taking my hand in his.

“Me, too. It’s just so beautiful with the sunset. You couldn’t have picked a better time to come.”

My eyes locked back onto Alec. “This is so romantic. Thank you for such a fun day and amazing dinner.”

“Anything for you, Samone.”

My heart warmed, and I felt the smile spread across my face. The way he looked at me, his intense stare, made me feel complete.

“I love you.”

“Love you always.”

As we ate our meals, I kept peeking up to catch him watching me. I felt like we were passing on to a new phase. I just wasn’t sure what that phase was yet.

When we left, Alec took the highway home. He passed the exit for my house.

“Where are we going?”

“Well it’s pretty early still, and . . . Aunt Robin is in Europe, so I thought we could hang out at my house for a few hours, maybe watch a movie before I take you home,” he said in a shaky voice.

I wondered what could have affected his usual confident mood.

“Oh, okay. That sounds great.”

We pulled up to his house. I’d only been there once before to meet his aunt. It was strange though. There weren’t any family pictures on the walls. There was artwork, the walls weren’t bare, but maybe they didn’t want the constant reminder of the loss of Alec’s parents. In my house, we had family pictures scattered all around.

Alec put his truck in park and things began to suddenly feel very real. With his Aunt out of town and his brother away at college, we’d be alone. In his house. Quite possibly . . . in his bedroom.

I felt flushed with anticipation that tonight could be the night we gave ourselves to each other. I loved him with every ounce of my being. If it felt right for him, too, and we both wanted to, I decided then and there that I would do it. I loved him. I wanted him. I wanted this next step in our relationship.

As he unlocked the front door, my nerves skyrocketed. He held my hand in his as we walked inside, smiling back at me, and I felt relieved.

That’s how Alec was; he could wind me up and calm me down all at the same time. I followed him into the kitchen, the big empty house silent. He poured us both a glass of sweet tea.

“Would you like to watch a movie?”

“Sure. Whatever you want,” I said as my hands started to fidget at my sides.

He got that sexy smirk back on his face. “Whatever? So—anything I want, is that what you’re saying?”

I felt my cheeks flush as I slowly nodded.

“All right then,” he said as he tilted his head in thought, “Let’s . . . watch a movie.”

He led me to the couch in the living room. Sitting down I looked around and saw a chaise lounge near the fireplace. It’s funny, the things you notice, and focus on when you’re nervous.

It had gotten chilly outside, so he lit the fireplace. As the fire crackled, we sat on the couch.

“What sounds good?”

“I don’t know. Anything really,” I said

“Well, let’s see what’s on. Hmm . . . how about The Notebook? That’s one of your favorites.”

“Yes, I love that movie, Alec, but it’s as chick flick, as chick flicks get. Not exactly one you would like. We can find something else.”

“Nah, that’s okay. We’ll watch this. It doesn’t really matter to me.”

My stomach fluttered. I looked up into his eyes as he held my gaze.

“I just want to spend time with you, and hold you in my arms for a while, before I have to drive you home.”

We settled in to watch the movie, but I couldn’t get comfortable on the couch, so Alec moved us to the chaise lounge by the fireplace. I snuggled onto his lap, his long legs stretching out beneath me. While the movie played, his fingers weaved through my hair, and he occasionally kissed the top of my head.

I felt safe and loved in his arms. I leaned back against his chest, and he tipped my mouth up to his, kissing me softly.

“I love you Samone,” he said as he stared into my eyes.

“I love you, too,” I whispered.

He ran his hand up and down my back, into my hair, and settled on caressing my face. “I want to make love to you. I want us to be our firsts.”

My breath caught in the back of my throat. “I . . . I want that, too Alec.”

“Really?”

“Yes, but . . . I’m not on birth control.” I said nervously as I twisted at my bracelet.

“It’s okay. I have it covered.”

He shifted me off his lap and stood up. I held my breath as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a foil packet. His expression was one of nervousness mixed with love, and I felt my eyes open wide as I watched him place it on the side table.

“I . . . uh, bought them when I realized I wanted to share this part of me with you,” he stammered.

My mind raced a million miles a minute. What if it wasn’t good? What if I wasn’t good? Was it going to hurt? I’d never done this before.

“Oh, stop, Sam.” I muttered aloud.

“What’s that?”

“Oh, umm, nothing. Just . . . talking to myself.”

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

He brushed his hand down the side of my face. “Let’s go up to my bedroom,” he whispered.

I looked around and shook my head.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to do this, if you’re not ready.”

“No, that’s not what I was shaking my head about. I . . . I just don’t really want to go up to your room right now. I mean, we have the entire house to ourselves, and this beautiful fire is right here. It’s . . . pretty romantic, Alec.”

“Oh. Good. You mean right here? On the chaise?” He looked surprised.

I felt my cheeks flush. “Yeah, I mean, if that’s okay.”

“Anything you want is good with me, Samone.”

As I thought of what we were about to do my stomach fluttered.

He stepped back and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it up and over his head, only breaking eye contact with me momentarily. I watched as the muscles in his abs and chest flexed with his movements. As he kicked each shoe off, my pulse began to speed up.

Okay, it’s my turn. Just take my dress off . . . I can do this.

I looked up at him then, standing there, watching me. He gave me a small smile, and I felt his love, his complete adoration. I slipped my hand in his as he held it out to me, and I stood on shaky legs. He gently rubbed his thumb back and forth. His gaze never left mine as he reached down and freed the button of his jeans. When he began to lower his zipper, I found the courage I needed to slip my arms through the straps of my dress, letting it slide to the floor. I dropped my eyes while he looked at me standing there.

“Please don’t look down, Samone.”

I glanced up at him, as he stood there with his eyes roaming over my body.

“You’re absolutely beautiful, and most importantly, the girl I love. I want this to be special between us. Always”

“Me, too.”

He pulled me to him, wrapping me up in his arms, and kissed me. It was a kiss like nothing I’d ever felt before. We melded together, and he held me in a possessive embrace. He lowered me onto the chaise, kissing me tenderly. As he hovered over me, he looked into my eyes. My gaze held his as he gently laid kisses on my cheeks, the tip of my nose, and finally settling on my mouth.

“Love you always,” he breathed.

“I love you, too,” I whispered.

When our bodies met at first, I flinched.

He stopped instantly, as a look of terror spread across his face. “I’m so sorry. Are you all right? Is . . . this okay? Do you want me to stop?” he rambled.

“No, I’m good. It just hurt a little. But it’s okay now.” I kissed him as he looked down at me with wonder.

He took his time and made sure we both felt our love and passion. I hugged him to me and kissed each corner of his mouth, running my hands down his strong arms, winding my fingers in his.

We moved together as one, cherishing each other and making love by the fire. Our bodies wrapped around each other in tangled limbs. I didn’t think I could ever feel any closer to another human being than I did at that moment with Alec.

It had been four weeks since we’d discovered our passion. We were studying for our exams, cramming everything we could into our overworked brains. It was exciting being seniors in high school. The world was truly at our feet, as the old saying goes . . . we just had to choose our path.

With only half days remaining, Alec met me for lunch one day after class. As we left hand-in-hand, he led me around the side of the café in the alley.

“So, I was thinking . . . maybe we could hike Sweet Water Creek this weekend,” he said.

“That sounds great.”

“We could even bring Gage with us if you want.”

“Oh, yeah, let’s bring him!”

He stopped suddenly and pulled me into his arms, kissing me deeply. I was breathless, staring into his eyes as he stepped back.

“I just had to kiss you,” he breathed onto my lips.

“Oh, Okay . . .”

It was all I could say before he leaned in and captured my mouth again. His hands ran up my back and into my hair as he held my head in place.

“I cherish you,” he said between kisses. “You’re my everything.”

He dropped his hands from the back of my head and hugged me to his chest, and I melted into him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

“I love you Alec,” I whispered.

“Love you always.”

We resumed our hand-in-hand walk back out of the alley and into the parking lot, the sun shining down warm on us.

When we got back to Alec’s truck, I watched as he got in. I always got lost in his fluid movements. I was utterly mesmerized by him.

“Where are we going next?”

“I thought we could go see that Robert Downey Jr. movie you’ve been talking about,” he said.

I covered my face. “Oh my God, how did you know that?”

He laughed. “When I walked into the cafeteria, I overheard you talking to Heather about it.”

I couldn’t look at him. I was so embarrassed. He reached over and turned my chin toward him until I met his crystal blue eyes with mine.

“It’s okay. I’ve known about your infatuation with him since our first date, remember?” he teased.

I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Why don’t we just go watch that new action-thriller we both want to see? You did watch The Notebook with me a few weeks ago.”

“Well Samone, there wasn’t much movie watching going on that night,” he said as he waggled his eyebrows at me.

My cheeks heated. “Yeah I know, but you intended to, so that counts just the same.”

We drove over to the theater, bought our tickets to the movie, then bought a soda and popcorn. When we settled into our seats, he put his arm around me. I snuggled into him and smiled.

“I think we’ll have to start catching the late matinee more often. We practically have the theater to ourselves,” he whispered in my hair.

“I think so, too.”

We watched the movie and shared popcorn. It was another awesome afternoon with Alec, and I was so happy to have him in my life.

I’d been checking the mail for weeks, waiting to see if I’d been accepted to Kennesaw State. The girls had begged me to apply to Auburn as well, so I could be with them. I gave in, as always with them and applied. My acceptance letter for Auburn came in the mail the week before. I didn’t tell Alec about that. It’s not as if I was actually planning to go there.

When the mail truck stopped in front of my house, I ran downstairs and out the front door to check. I flipped through the envelopes until I found it. My stomach did somersaults as I worried what the contents would say. I pulled my phone out and sent Alec a quick message.

Me:

OMG, my KSU letter came!

A:

Well, what’s it say?

Me:

I don’t know. I haven’t opened it.

A:

What are you waiting for?

Me:

I’m scared. What if it says I wasn’t accepted?

A:

I’m sure it won’t. You’re brilliant, and you have the GPA to prove it.

Me:

I just can’t open it.

A:

Okay, I’ll be over shortly.

Me:

Thanks. I love you.

A:

Love you always.

I sat on my front porch swing while I waited for him to arrive. Tracing my finger across my name and address on the front of the envelope, I prayed it was a yes. I was so lost in my mind, I didn’t even know Alec had arrived until he stepped up onto my porch.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

I smiled. “I have about a million at the moment. Did you have one in particular you wanted?”

He laughed and walked over, sitting down on the swing beside me.

I handed him the envelope. “Will you please open it for me?”

He smiled reassuringly and he took it from me. I felt like I was going to throw up as he ran his finger along the top and ripped it open. My eyes were glued to the side of his face. I tried to gauge his reaction while he unfolded and read the letter. His demeanor was as expressionless as his voice was monotone while he read it aloud. Giving me no hint as to the contents until he spoke the words.

“Dear Samone,

Congratulations and welcome to The Owl Family! You have been accepted as a freshman to Kennesaw State University for the Fall Semester to the College of Humanities and Social Sciences.”

My mouth hung open, and I watched as he re-folded the letter and slid it back into the envelope. He leaned forward and set it on the table near the swing. When he sat back, he pulled me into his side and held my hand in his.

“Wow. I really got in,” I whispered. “Now we just have to wait for yours.”

He stiffened slightly. “No, we don’t. My acceptance letter came last week.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” I playfully smacked his shoulder.

He chuckled. “Because I knew it would only make you worry more if you’d known. So I waited for yours to come.”

“What . . . what if mine said I wasn’t accepted?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Then I would have applied to Auburn and hoped I got accepted in time for the fall semester,” he said with a lopsided grin.

“Auburn?” I squeaked.

He shook his head and laughed, “Yes, Auburn. You only left your acceptance letter laying open on your dresser. I saw it the last time I was over when we studied for that English Lit exam. I had a feeling Tamron and Alison would try to talk you into going there.”

“Well, I’m not. I’m going to KSU with you.” I jumped up, grabbed his face and kissed him. Then I turned around, snatched up my letter, and ran inside to tell my parents the good news.

Our senior year of high school went by fast and, before we knew it, the school was taking orders for our caps and gowns for graduation. Alec and I would be starting Kennesaw State in the fall. We were supposed to start apartment hunting soon, but he’d been acting strange on and off for weeks. He was distant, and not only did it hurt, it had me really worried. I couldn’t shake the feeling something was seriously wrong. Some days he was late for school, or he’d leave early. When I asked about it, he blew me off, told me something had come up. His brief explanation about the fender bender still seemed shady. We’d never kept secrets from each other before, at least not up until that point.

When he didn’t show up at all one day, I’d had enough of his evasive answers. I was concerned and wanted to know what was going on. I heard his truck pull up to my house just after dinnertime, and I walked out to the front porch to meet him.

As soon as I saw him, I ran up and hugged him. But his body was stiff. He didn’t mold himself to me the way he usually did. He wasn’t welcoming, and it felt unnatural, making my heart ache in my chest.

As he pulled away, his touch felt robotic. He took my hand and walked us over to sit on the porch swing, where we used to cuddle, look at the stars, and talk about our dreams. Only now it felt forced, distant, and cold.

Suddenly, I wanted to run inside and hide upstairs in my room. Instead, my body froze in place with the dread of what I feared was coming. My eyes filled with tears, as I felt powerless to stop it.

Alec cleared his throat. “Look, Samone, we need to talk. Things just aren’t . . .”

I quickly put my hand over his mouth, wishing it could hold in the words. I let out a whimper as I shook my head. The word “no” was stuck in my throat, but I couldn’t find the voice to say it. Then he shifted us on the swing so we were sitting on our own sides. My hand fell from his face to my lap. There was maybe half a foot between us, but it felt like half a mile.

“Really Samone, you have to listen to me . . . please. We need to talk and it just can’t wait any longer. It’ll only be harder on both of us, and it’s better to just get it over with. A . . . clean break, you know, a fresh start,” he said.

I just sat there. I didn’t know how long it was until he continued. He must have taken my silence for acceptance, because he breathed what seemed like a sigh of relief and began again.

“Things just aren’t working out between us, and I think we need to end it here and now while there’s still hope of us being friends. Don’t . . .” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Please don’t say we can’t be friends, Samone. I know we can. We just have to want to. We were too young to think we would be together forever, grow old, and watch our grandchildren play some day. Those are young-love dreams. They’re just not realistic. We graduate next month, and it’s time to think about the future.”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this. Everything was perfect. Why are you ruining us? You were my future . . .” I whispered, choking on a sob as I hugged myself.

When he reached for my hand, I jerked it away.

“Don’t touch me!” I screamed. “Just go, Alec. Leave me alone.”

“I’m sorry, Samone. I really am.”

He had the balls to look like he meant those last words, and that made me angrier than anything. As I sat there, hugging my knees to my chest, panic overwhelmed me, and my face felt flushed and numb. I watched him walk down the steps and along the path, get in his truck, and drive away. He never even looked back. Apparently, a fresh start for him was easy.

School sucked. Even after school sucked. Alec wouldn’t so much as look at me. I’d never felt so utterly sad in my life. The end of my senior year went from fun and happy to depressed and devastated. Mom and Dad were beside themselves with how to make me feel better. But how could they? I’d spent the better part of two years with a guy I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I gave him my virginity. I loved him, only to be crushed in the end.

I was on my way to the cafeteria when I saw Alec coming out of the office. He had a yellow slip of paper in his hand, a late pass. He was late—again. He turned in my direction. I continued on my path. When he was about to walk past me, I stepped in front of him.

“Hey. Just getting here?” I asked.

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” he muttered.

“Alec, can we talk please?”

“What about?”

“I . . . I miss you,” I whispered as my voice shook.

His face-hardened and he stepped to the side. “You can’t say things like that, Samone.”

I know he saw the hurt in my eyes, because for a split second, his showed regret.

“But you said you wanted us to be friends.”

“I did, but . . . I don’t think we can,” he warned.

“Please Alec, we can be friends. You haven’t even tried! Most of the time you won’t even look at me.”

“I guess I was wrong. I was stupid to think we could go from being what we were . . . to being just friends. It’s too . . . confusing.”

“That’s because we love each other. We belong together. I don’t know about you, but I can’t just turn my feelings off like a damn light switch,” I pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Samone, but . . . I don’t love you anymore.”

He said the words, but his face revealed the lie I knew it to be. I couldn’t stop the hope that flooded my heart.

“You’re lying. I know it. You know it,” I hissed. “I don’t know why you’re doing this to us, but I hope you figure out whatever the hell it is, fast.”

He didn’t say another word, just roughed his hand through his hair, turned around, and walked away.

It was a Saturday night, two long months since Alec had broken up with me. Okay, I’ll admit it. I sent him more than a few text messages, pleading with him to give us another chance. He never replied to any of them, not even the picture I sent of us from one of our hiking trips at Sweetwater Creek State Park.

Graduation came and went, I’d hoped, with the celebration of academic achievement and promise of a new life, that things would change, but they didn’t, and he remained as aloof as ever.

My eighteenth birthday passed. It was supposed to be one of those landmark birthdays, filled with fun and celebration. I went through the typical eighteenth birthday motions, but my heart just wasn’t in it. That night, I sat on the couch, staring at the season passes Alec had bought us for Six Flags Over Georgia. He hadn’t been able to wait for my birthday to give them to me. I cried just looking at them, unable to even find even a sliver of solace in a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

One summer evening, when Heather and I were getting ready for a party at her boyfriend, Peter’s house, she said it was time for me to suck it up and show Alec just what he’d thrown away. I knew it was dumb, but I couldn’t give up on hope. Maybe, when he saw I was there too, things would just fall back into place. I hoped if he saw me looking my best and happy without him, even if it wasn’t genuine, he might want to get back what he gave up . . . what he threw away, you know, the whole “stars aligned-happily ever after” kind of bullshit magic people talk about. But that wasn’t realistic.

I hated that word—realistic. It rolled off my tongue like an expletive.

Heather was right. I decided to show him what he’d given up, hoping he would remember the feeling of our love. I always thought it was strong and real. It’d always felt that way. I couldn’t reconcile our last months together, even the way he had become distant, with his actions at the end. No matter how much time passed, I couldn’t understand or accept he ended us the way he did, that it was over with no hope of us getting back together. I, at least, needed some damn answers.

As we pulled up to Peter’s house, I couldn’t stop the swell of anticipation and hope at seeing him again. I knew he’d be there. His best friend, Heather’s cousin, Marchello, said he would be. He also said, every time one of my text messages came through, Alec’s face would go sad before he could stop it, and he’d turn his phone off. But he wasn’t seeing anyone. At all. So that had to be a good sign. Right?

I didn’t see him when I entered the house. I scanned the living room, but he wasn’t there, just countless couples making out on every couch, chair and even the floor in the corner.

Good God, get a room already.

Shaking my head, I turned and grabbed Heather’s hand to go get our drinks from Peter’s makeshift bar in the kitchen. That’s when I saw him.

No wonder I hadn’t seen him right away. Some slutty, blonde skank was straddling his lap, grinding her herself into him. He was kissing her neck, and his hands were grabbing her ass, rocking along with the movement of her hips.

I stood frozen in place, my heart slowly breaking again. How could he do this? I didn’t think I could ever feel any worse than I did at that moment. But then, Alec’s beautiful crystal blue eyes met mine. They looked cold, different, off somehow. Not like my Alec. But then again, he wasn’t my Alec anymore.

Nobody else could have recognized the regret in his knitted brow, but I did. At least I thought I did, until he turned his head back to the slut’s neck. He pulled her closer, and if they weren’t clothed, they could have been having sex right then and there.

So much for “making love” being something you do only with someone who means the world to you, someone you love with your whole heart.

It was special for us the first time we’d made love, or at least I thought it had been. Every time we were together, it had felt special, like we were the only people who existed on the planet. But Alec wasn’t making love with this slut. And I knew she wasn’t anything special. I’d seen that tramp stamp rocking on guys’ laps at parties enough to know that she was always hooking up with whomever would have her. I’d just never imagined my Alec would be one of them.

Flashes of our first time flooded my mind. He’d made it so special. Yeah, it hurt at first, but he was gentle and made me feel like I was his whole world. Watching him with her, I couldn’t believe we were each other’s first. From what he was doing with her now, I wondered if he’d really been a virgin our first time. He’d never done that with me before.

He slowly stood up as she wrapped her legs around him. When he walked past me, we locked eyes, for the first time ever, a chill ran through me as I looked into the cold depths of crystal blue. He looked like he was pissed at me for being there. He kept walking down the hall as the slut gyrated her overused asset against his waistline. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the scene before me. He set her down and pushed her up against the wall, grinding himself against her while she nuzzled his ear.

With one last angry look at me, he reached around her and opened the guest bedroom door. She grabbed his hand and yanked him in the room, slamming the door behind them, finally breaking his eye contact with me.

I couldn’t stop my feet from moving. It was like some force was pulling me toward that bedroom. Finally standing in front of the door, my feet felt glued to the spot where her shrill laughter and slutty moans seeped from the room. Creaks and headboard thumping echoed in a steady rhythm of sex from the room, making my stomach churn.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t tear my eyes from that damn bedroom doorknob.

I slid down the wall with my mind focused on the door that stood between me and my whole heart. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt any more, but at that moment, my heart was well and truly shredded.