Текст книги "Love's Secret Torment"

Автор книги: Stacy L. Darnell

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Cold. I was so cold. I snuggled under my covers as I laid in bed for the third day in a row. I wished I hadn’t stopped taking the birth control pills when Emmett left me. We could have avoided this hell. I knew we weren’t ready to have a baby. But it was a life we lost just the same.

It was half me, and half Emmett. It was our love. And now it was gone. Taken from us. Before we even knew about it. We didn’t even have a chance to love it.

I went into a panic every time I had to go to the bathroom and saw the blood evidence left behind in the toilet, as my body slowly began to heal. It was fate’s cruel reminder. I was numb.

I closed my eyes and fell back asleep.

It was Sam’s third day in bed. She’d gone straight under the covers when we got home from the emergency room on Saturday and only gotten up to use the bathroom since. She’d barely eaten the sandwich and salad I brought her on Sunday. She got up when I did on Monday, and I’d hoped it was to start the day, but she just used the bathroom and went right back to sleep.

The doctor had said she might need to rest for a few days. He also said she may experience some depression. Even though it was an early miscarriage, she still had the pregnancy hormones, and would likely be emotional for a while. I was ready and could handle it. I would be her rock to lean on. But I was still angry, and depressed, and I didn’t have the excuse of those hormones in my body, so I could only imagine what my Peach was going through.

I would have used her phone to text Aiden to get her English Lit assignments, but given they apparently weren’t talking anymore, I decided to leave well enough alone. She could get the assignments when she returned to class . . . hopefully soon.

I walked into the bedroom and saw her lying awake in our bed.

“Hey, Peach,” I said. “I’m going to take Gage to the dog park. Do you want to come?”

She looked at me. I could see she was torn, but ultimately her sadness won out. She shook her head and rolled over.

“Okay, I’ll be back soon. If you need anything, call me and I’ll come right back.”

She lifted her hand in a thumbs-up and dropped it back to her side.

With a sigh, I retrieved Gage’s harness and leash and got him hooked up. “Let’s go buddy,” I said, opening the front door.

On our way to the dog park, I saw a blue 1969 Chevy Malibu with a For Sale sign in the window. I snapped a picture with my iPhone so I could call later. I also took a picture of the car to show Sam when she was up to looking at it. If it was as good on the inside, and under the hood, as it looked on the outside, I’d try to make a deal with the owner.

I let Gage off the leash to run and play at the dog park. As I sat there on the bench, I turned Gage’s water bottle over and over in my hands. My mind kept wandering to the baby and what could have been. I’d hoped to ask her to marry me soon, but now I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. I thought it might upset her, for us to be happy after experiencing another loss.

I decided to call John. I needed to vent and he was the best choice to talk me back to normalcy.

I scrolled through my contacts and pressed his name, bringing the phone to my ear, I sighed heavily.

“Hey, Emmett.” John answered.

“Hey, man,” I said.

“Wow, dude, you sound bad. Something happen?”

“Yeah,” I said. It was hard to say the words out loud. I wasn’t sure I even could.

“Well, what’s up? Peachy okay?”

“No . . . yeah, she’s okay. Or she will be.”

“Oh shit. What’s going on, Emmett?”

I sat there in silence. I couldn’t find my voice.

“Is it that bad?” he whispered.

“Yeah. It’s pretty bad, John. Peach had a miscarriage.”

“Fucking hell. I’m sorry, man.”

“She started having massive cramps and was bleeding like crazy. We didn’t even know she was pregnant until they told her she’d had a miscarriage. She’s depressed and hasn’t gotten out of bed in three days. I don’t know how to help her. I’m at the dog park with Gage. Thought I’d call you.”

“Emmett, man, I don’t know what to say except I’m here for you guys. Do you need anything?”

“I don’t know. Let’s talk about something else for a while. I need a distraction.”

“Okay. Well, I’m just getting some work done out back for Riley and Quinn. They busted the picnic table, so I thought I’d fix it while they were at work. The girls are coming over for dinner. They’ll probably ambush Quinn about the rental houses Tamron wants to check out. I swear, if the living together part doesn’t work out for those two, I don’t know who the hell else would tolerate the shit they give each other. It’s only a matter of time though until Quinn gives in. So . . . you want me to drive over?” he asked.

“Nah, it’s okay, man. Stay there and have fun. I just needed to vent, you know, say it out loud.”

“I really don’t mind. If you change your mind, send a text or call, and I’ll be over as soon as I can.”

“Okay. Thanks for listening, John,” I said then ended the call.

It was getting dark out, so I whistled and called Gage over to me. I thought about Sam back at the apartment and was angry I’d left her there alone the whole afternoon. Gage and I sprinted home. I was so worried about my Peach and was breathing hard when we stopped at the apartment door and I dug out my keys. It was silent inside as I unlocked the door and walked in.

I ran to our bedroom to check on Sam. She wasn’t lying in bed. My heart dropped as I heard the water running in the bathroom. She walked out and stopped short when she saw me standing in the doorway.

“Hi,” she whispered, looking down at her feet.

“Hi,” I said back, hoping this was a step forward.

She walked back to the bed and crawled under the covers. When she turned to her side, I knew the conversation was over before it even began, but I had to try.

“Peach, can we talk?”

“I don’t really feel like talking right now, Emmett.”

“Well, I think we need to.”

She rolled over and looked at me with devastation in her eyes. “I just can’t right now.”

I walked over and kicked my shoes off. Lying down on the bed, I pulled her into my arms. She laid her head on my chest and lost herself to her sobs. I tried to be strong for her and not to break down, but my heart was broken about ten ways in one, and I didn’t catch my tear before it dripped on her arm. The second she felt it, she erupted into shaking cries.

“Why Emmett, why?”

I held her tighter to me and rubbed her back. “I don’t know, Peach. But it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay. Because that’s what we do; we make it through these tough times, and we always come out stronger.”

She sniffled and squeezed my hand.

“I promise, Peach, someday, we will have a family, and we’ll love each other forever.”

I woke up with Emmett’s arms wrapped around me. He was still asleep. After three full days, I was finally ready to get out of bed. I tip-toed through the apartment and turned on the Keurig. Then I grabbed Gage’s leash and took him outside. We walked around the apartment complex a few times. It was nice to breathe in the fresh air. When we returned home, I was kicking off my shoes as Emmett walked out of the bedroom. He looked at me with surprise, relief, and hope in his eyes.

“Do you want some coffee or tea?” he asked.

“Coffee would be great.”

“So what do you want to do today?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. It’s Tuesday. Maybe I’ll go catch my afternoon classes. Get back into the swing of things.”

“All right. I have a class at one. It’ll be good to get things back on track. Are you feeling okay? Physically, I mean?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

The tense set of his shoulders relaxed. I loved him so much. I was sorry I’d caused him pain while we were both hurting and in shock.

“Peach, I think we should probably talk about it,” he said tentatively.

“No . . . Emmett. No. I’m not ready. Just let me get through the damn day,” I hissed.

He looked like I’d slapped him. I felt horrible the second the words left my mouth.

“You’re not the only one who suffered a loss, Sam. I know it was really early in your pregnancy, but it was my baby, too,” he yelled back.

I started to cry. Backing up against the wall behind me, I covered my face with my hands. I was being selfish. He needed to talk about it, but I just couldn’t. He ran over and pulled me into his arms.

“I’m sorry, Peach. I didn’t mean to yell.”

“I’m sorry, too. Can you just give me a little time before we talk about it?”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Never doubt that, Emmett, please. No matter what I’m am doing or how I am acting, please don’t ever doubt how much I love you.” I reached my head up and kissed his cheek.

Emmett helped me up off the floor and I took a shower. I let the hot water beat down on my back as if it were washing all the pain of the last few days away. I was glad it was Tuesday and not an English Lit day.

I showered, dressed, then grabbed my car keys, purse, and backpack and headed for the door.

“I’ll see you this afternoon,” I called out as I walked out.

The roads were pretty clear of traffic and I made it to campus in record time. As I walked to class, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was a text message from Emmett. I sighed, hesitant to open it. I didn’t want to start crying again. I swiped it open regardless.

E:

Hope your class goes well, I love you.

Me:

Thanks. Yours too. Love you.

He really was amazing. I was lucky to have him in my life. I knew I didn’t deserve him. I just hoped I could get back to normal, and stop causing him pain. I knew he needed to talk about the baby. I only wished I felt up to it.

I got to class and listened to the professor. I couldn’t focus and ended up doodling in my notebook. I had missed all of my other classes for the day. At least I made the effort to get back to normal. I rewarded myself with a latte from Starbucks.

As I walked up to the apartment door, I saw Emmett and Gage turn the corner.

“Hey, Peach.”

“Hi babe. How are my boys?”

“We’re good. Just finished up a walk.”

He smiled and held the door for me as I walked in. There was a beautiful, large floral arrangement sitting on the counter. I looked back at him as he shut the apartment door.

“Where did these come from?” I asked. “They’re beautiful,”

“I picked them up for you,” he said. “I thought you’d like them.”

“I love them. Thank you, Emmett.” I reached up and kissed him. “What sounds good for dinner, chicken cordon blue or a veggie stir fry?”

“Stir fry,” he said with a nod.

“Okay, I can start that right before we want to eat. It cooks quick.” I walked around and got us both a glass of sweet tea.

We stood there on opposite sides of the counter, looking at our glasses of tea then up at each other and back again. The silence was deafening—and awkward.

“Emmett, we can talk about it if you want to,” I said.

His eyes snapped up to mine. But he just looked at me. He smiled softly and cleared his throat.

“Well . . . I mean, only if you’re ready,” he said, and I nodded for him to continue. “Hell, Peach, I don’t even know what I want to say. I mean, I know we’re young and in college still, but . . .” He paused.

“But that was our baby, a product of our love,” I finished for him.

“A life our love created,” he added.

“I know,” I said, looking down at my hands.

He walked around the counter, took me in his arms, and held me tightly to his chest.

“I love you so much, Peach,” he whispered into my hair.

“I love you, too, Emmett.”

“Are you okay?”

“I will be. We will be. We can always remember it. I’m not sure if I wish we knew whether it was a boy or girl, or if I’m relieved that we don’t know. Part of me wants to know so we could name it, because I hate thinking of it as it. I want to remember, but not as an it, as a who,” I said.

“We could name it Dakota Bailey. Those are both names that could be used for a boy or a girl,” he said.

“I love it. It even feels right. Dakota Bailey Walker,” I said, looking at him with a small smile.

“Dakota Bailey Walker,” he repeated.

I reached up and kissed him deeply. I poured all of my emotion into that kiss so he could feel even a fraction of the depth of my love for him. He was an amazing man, and I planned on making him know just how much he meant to me and how wonderful he was. We had a name. It helped start the healing process. Remembering Dakota started to be a healthy thing for us.

“Emmett, I don’t want to tell anyone else about this.”

He looked down at me and grimaced.

“What? Who did you tell?”

“I told John. When I went to the dog park with Gage. I’m sorry, Peach, I just needed to talk to someone and . . .” He paused.

“I wasn’t talking,” I admitted.

“Yeah. Basically.” He looked down at his hands. “But John won’t say anything to anyone. Not even the girls, or Riley and Quinn. I know he won’t say a word.”

“I know. I trust John completely. He’s a vault. It’s okay, babe.”

A few months later, we were planning a party at Riley’s. It felt weird not to say Riley and Quinn’s since they’d been there together for so long. But eventually, all things change, and Quinn and Tamron had moved into their rental house together.

Sam was excited, as always, to see the girls and had made them both door wreathes for the holidays. She was one of the most creative people I knew. She made one for us, too. I have to admit, it was cool, and I was excited to spend the holiday season with her.

I heard the lock turn at the front door and knew she was home from class. It was officially winter break, and not soon enough. We’d both crammed for exams, and our brains needed some down time. When she walked through the door, all I wanted to do was get lost in her.

“Hey, babe.” She set her bag and purse down and dropped her keys and phone on the table by the door. “How was your day?”

I smiled at her. “It was good, Peach. How about you? Class good?”

“Eh, it was okay. Aiden is at least talking to me again.”

“That’s good. You guys get coffee?”

“No. But it’s a step in the right direction, so I’m happy,” she said.

“You know you really gotta cut the guy a little slack. I know, first hand, just how easy it is to fall in love with you.”

She blushed ten shades of red, and I probably had that smirk on my face she loves so much.

“Emmett, don’t say things like that. You act like I’m an angel or something. I’m more like the harbinger of mischance.”

I walked over and wrapped my arms around her. She melted into me. I tilted her head up and kissed her passionately as I ran my fingers through her hair and backed her up against the kitchen wall.

“I love you, Peach.”

“I love you, too,” she replied, her voice husky with need.

She reached her hand down and twined her fingers with mine. Stepping around me, she pulled me along as she walked backwards, her eyes locked onto mine. I followed her into our bedroom, and as she let our hands drop to our sides, she leaned into me, looking down and resting her forehead against my chest.

“I want you,” she whispered.

“I’m yours.”

I shivered as she skimmed her nails down my back. She was igniting me, and she knew it. My little vixen. I reached down and slowly unbuttoned the shirt that now stood in the way of what I wanted. As I finished the last button, I swept the shirt off of her shoulders and took her in.

I kissed her softly, nipping her lip with my teeth, tasting strawberry and wax in the lip-gloss she wore. Deep in need, she wrestled to unbutton my jeans. I pushed her back onto the bed, where she lay staring up at me. Her expression was heavy with passion, and I wanted her . . . I needed her.

I nestled my head in the hollow of her neck, groaning as the soft scent of her vanilla perfume registered in my brain. I breathed it in deeply and trailed kisses along the soft curve of her ear, relishing in the way she sighed, and turned her head to the side for more.

Looking back at me, she held my gaze with her passionate, brown eyes wide. I smoothed her hair back and ran my fingers down the side of her face and neck, settling on her shoulder. I slid the strap of her lacy, blue bra over her shoulder. She bit her bottom lip and slipped her arms out. My breath caught as I popped the button of her jeans open and lowered the zipper, watching her while I pulled them off and kicked them to the floor.

I braced my weight with my arms on either side of her while she pulled the hem of my shirt up and over my head, lifting each hand in turn before tossing it aside. My back arched as she ran her fingertips down its length, resting at the waist of my unbuttoned jeans.

I kissed her again, drawing back to see the love in her eyes. She smiled coyly as she pulled me back to her, embracing me in a kiss that had both of us breathing in fast, shallow breaths.

As I reached down and pushed my jeans off, I hovered above her and took what she offered. Her soft body pressed against mine. I began, slow and teasing. I knew how it drove her crazy, so I gave her what she wanted, what her eyes told me she needed, and taking what she gave me in return. I got lost in her.

Gage woke me up with a lick to my hand. I stretched my arms above my head and sat up before kicking my legs over the side of the bed and patting his head.

“Mornin,’ Gage,” I said. “Well, come on then. Let’s go outside.”

He padded behind me, nudging me on. I laughed as I grabbed his harness and leash then tip-toed to the front door so I wouldn’t wake Sam up.

While I was waiting for Gage to do his business, I scrolled through the pictures on my phone. I came across the one I snapped of my new car and texted it to John. Well, it was new to me anyway. I’d bought that blue ’69 Chevy Malibu I’d seen on the way to the dog park. I was so happy to be rid of the rental. Fortunately, they’d cut me a good deal.

I came across a picture of Sam and me from our last night in Hawaii. An older couple was nice enough to take the snapshot for us. Sam had demanded I text it to her immediately. I had laughed at her impatience, earning me a swift smack on my ass. I chuckled at the good memory.

Gage came running back over to me.

“You all done there, buddy?” I asked with a pat to his head. “Well, let’s get back inside.”

It was pretty brisk out for Alabama. We had another cold front come in. I filled Gage’s food and water bowls, then went back into our bedroom and crawled under the covers with Sam. I rolled over to my side and watched her sleeping peacefully. I lightly ran my fingers through her hair as her eyes fluttered open and locked onto mine.

“Good morning,” she whispered.

“Morning Peach,” I said. “Did you sleep well?”

She stretched out. “Mmm hmm. I slept really well. What time is it?”

“A little after nine,” I answered.

Her eyes opened wide, and she jumped out of bed. “We gotta get ready if we’re going to make it to Riley’s in time.” She ran around, grabbing clothes from drawers. “I’m going to jump in the shower. Can you take Gage out?” she called on her way to the bathroom.

“Yeah, I already took him out. I’ll put some bagels in the toaster and make us some coffee.”

When I heard the water turn off in Sam’s shower, I set our bagels and coffee out on the breakfast bar. I sat and sipped my coffee as I waited for her to join me.

We arrived at Riley’s a few hours later. As Sam and I pulled into the driveway, we saw Tamron and Quinn getting out of Quinn’s truck.

“Hey, guys!” Sam yelled.

“Sam! Emmett!” Tamron called back.

Quinn waved as he guided Tamron into the house. When we got inside, we saw John, Riley, and Alison sitting in the living room. Alison jumped up and ran over to Sam and Tamron, and the girls took off for the kitchen. I dropped down onto the couch next to John and nodded my hello to Riley, while Quinn got comfortable in the recliner.

“Damn, man, I really miss my chair,” Quinn sighed.

We broke out in laughter as Riley shook his head.

“You could have taken it with you, man,” Riley said.

“Yeah . . . no. You know Tamron hates this chair. It doesn’t go with anything else in the house,” Quinn huffed.

“Just lay it down, Quinn,” John said.

Quinn looked at John, “Lay what down?”

Riley and I both looked at John, too, waiting for his explanation.

“The fucking law, man. Lay it down. You like the chair . . . take it home. It’s your chair. Let her get used to it,” John said with a smirk.

Riley swung his head back around to look at John. “Did you forget who Tamron is?”

“Yeah, man, ‘pick your battles’ my dad always used to say. Sadly, my comfortable, broken-in chair isn’t one of them. A happy wife equals a happy life, as the old adage goes. We may not be married, but well, y’all know my Tamron. We may as well be,” Quinn finished.

“I’m gonna grab a beer,” I said laughing.

“Yeah me too,” John said.

We walked down the hall toward the kitchen. “Hey, man, can we talk out back?”

“Sure,” I replied then walked into the kitchen and stole a quick kiss from Sam. “Hey, girls. Just grabbing a couples beers and going out back.”

“Okay, love you,” Sam said as her eyes lit up with a smile.

“Love you, too,” I said, kissing her on the forehead as I passed her again on my way out to the back doors.

John followed me out, and we ended up sitting up on the brick wall again.

“So, what’s up, man?” I asked.

“Well, I just wanted to see how you and Peachy are doing, you know, since the miscarriage,” he said quietly.

“Oh. Yeah. We’re doing okay. It’s hard still, but we finally talked about it and named the baby Dakota Bailey Walker so we could grieve and remember. Every time we discussed what happened, the only way we had to describe the baby was as it, which upset us both. Since we didn’t know if the baby was a boy or girl, we couldn’t say him or her, so naming the baby helped,” I answered.

“Dakota Bailey. That’s nice, man. Real nice.”

“Look, John, Sam still doesn’t want anyone else to know. She knows I told you, but she trusts you won’t say anything to anyone else, not even the girls. She just doesn’t want to deal with everyone saying how sorry they are, constantly bringing it back up. Neither of us can take that,” I added.

“Gotcha. I get it. That would make it harder to move forward,” he said. “So, are you really okay, man?”

“Yeah. She makes me okay. Everything we’ve faced has made us stronger. Her love makes every day a new slate for me.”

“That’s good to hear, man, good to hear. Well, you know I’m always here for both of you, anytime.”

“Thanks, John.”

When I walked into the house, I sensed someone behind me. I turned around and saw Sam staring at me.

“So . . . what were you and John talking about?” she asked leaning against the counter.

“Oh, he just wanted to see how we were doing. You know, privately,” I whispered.

Her shoulders slumped as she exhaled a labored breath and she looked down at the floor.

I pulled her in and wrapped my arms around her. “It’s okay.” I kissed the top of her head. “He was just worried and didn’t want to upset you by asking directly.”

“I know. I’m okay. Did you . . . did you tell him we named the baby?” Her voice hitched.

“Yes. He loved the name and thought it was a good idea.”

A small smile perked her lips up as she looked up into my eyes. “It kinda feels good to share it, but I still don’t want anyone besides him to know.”

“I know. It’s okay. It’s just John. No one else will know, unless you decide you want to tell them,” I said, kissing her softly.

“Okay,” she whispered.

I reached into the refrigerator and pulled out the bowl with the veggie skewers.

“I’ll grab the seasonings and follow you out,” Sam said.

When we went back outside, everyone was sitting around the fire, except for Quinn, who was flipping the steaks on the grill. I walked over and laid the veggies out on the grill while he held the lid open. Sam gave him the seasonings and went over to sit by the fire. When we had everything on the grill, Quinn and I joined them all by the fire.

“Do we have marshmallows?” Alison asked.

“Uh no. I don’t think so,” Riley said.

Alison looked at him and shook her head. “Well, then I guess you better drive to the store then,” she said as she took his beer from him.

“Hey woman!” he yelled.

“Oh relax, Riley, you haven’t even popped the top off yet. Now please, Riley, go to the store and get me some marshmallows,” she said in a sing-song voice.

“Damn. All right, fine,” he said.

Alison clapped her hands and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks, baby.”

Riley shook his head, stood up and put his phone in his pocket. “Anyone want to go for a ride?”

“Yeah, man, I’ll go with ya,” John said. “I want to pick up some more beer. May as well make use of your sober ass while I can.”

As Riley and John left for the store, we all settled back around the fire. The girls talked while Quinn and I sat and watched the fire. Every once in a while, Sam would peek up at me and smile. She was happy. She was content. Life was getting better every day. Even with all that we’d been through, I couldn’t help but hope for good things in our future. No matter the risk to our hearts.