Текст книги "Love's Secret Torment"

Автор книги: Stacy L. Darnell

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Bringing Emmett home was hard. It was devastating that he still couldn’t remember me. As expected, he wasn’t handling Alec’s death well either. Seeing the pain he went through as he tried to accept the reality, shredded my soul. I don’t know what I would have done without Ms. Kisner. It was both surreal and unnerving, having Dr. Shaw as Emmett’s neurologist, hitting a little too close to home since he was the same doctor who’d been there when Alec died.

Thankfully, Emmett’s injuries weren’t life threatening, and the only major thing we had to contend with was his memory loss. With his Aunt Robin still in Europe, he had little choice but to come home with me. He said he wanted to go back to his normal life and routine. The doctors said it should help bring his memory back. I hoped so.

However irrational, there was a small part of me that was hurt that Emmett couldn’t remember me, almost as if his mind was trying to protect him from more pain and heartache considering he didn’t remember Alec’s death either, yet remembered other random things.

I worried he subconsciously wanted to forget me, and the pain I’d brought into his life. The girls said that was crazy, and I was just stressed out, that Emmett loved me, and had fought for our relationship after all that had happened. I knew it all already, but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with. I was overwhelmed with heartache. I tried to keep everyday things as normal as possible for Emmett, hoping something would spark his memory.

The first week, he slept on the couch every night, and it was near impossible to fall asleep with him so close, but so far away. Then one morning, I woke up wrapped in his arms, and he was awake, just watching me sleep. It was such a welcomed feeling, I began to cry silent tears.

“Good morning,” I said as I stretched out on the bed and snuggled back into his chest. I relished in the familiar feel of his arms around me. The faint smell of his cologne that lingered on his skin.

“Good morning Peach,” he whispered.

My heart leapt with joy when he called me Peach. “Oh my God, Emmett . . . you remembered?”

He looked sheepish and shook his head. “No. I’m sorry. I was just trying it out to see if it would spark a memory, but it didn’t.” As he saw my sad expression, he followed up saying, “But it feels right. Every morning, when I wake up on the couch without you, it feels wrong, so I crawled into bed with you. I promise I didn’t do anything. I just held you and watched you sleep for a while. I like the normal feeling it gives me.”

“That’s because you used to do this every morning. It was kind of our routine, since you always woke up before me.”

His eyes softened, as his brow relaxed, and he ran his fingers through my hair. “This feels familiar, too. Did I play with your hair like this?”

“Mmm hmm, you did. It’s how you’d wake me up most mornings. That . . . and a kiss.” I blushed.

“Hmm, maybe I should try that out, too. If you don’t mind of course—it could spark a memory—you know,” he said with his sexy smirk.

I slowly nodded my head, his gaze locked on my eyes, then down to my mouth, as I bit at my bottom lip.

He leaned his head down and gently pressed his lips to mine. He was tentative at first, and it took every ounce of my strength to not kiss him back with the heated passion I felt for him. But I knew we had to go slow. I couldn’t rush this. It was when he opened his mouth to mine, that I lost my resolve and rolled over, straddling his waist. I ran my fingers down his strong arms and brought my hands to rest in the center of his abs, stopping just beneath the waistband of his shorts. His breath hitched, as I glided my fingers along his skin around to his sides. When he looked up at me, I saw he was as lost as I was in our passion.

He slid the strap of my nightshirt off my shoulder, and pulled me down to him, so I was lying on his chest. He followed the touch of his fingers on my shoulder and neck, with kisses leaving tingles behind.

He rolled us over, so I lay on my back beneath his strong body. I sighed as his lips made their way up my neck. “Now this . . .” he kissed just underneath my ear, “feels familiar.” He turned my face to the side, and captured my mouth with his, leaving coolness on my lips, as his minty breath mixed with mine.

His mind might not have remembered me, but his body did, and at that moment, it was all we needed.

Sam decided we should go to over to Riley and Quinn’s to see all of our friends, so we took off in her little car. Mine was totaled, and I can’t even begin to say how pissed off I was when I saw it. I mean, damn, it was a red 1969 Chevy Camaro in mint condition.

Sometimes I was angrier about my car than I was about my memory loss, at least until Sam walked into the room, and I was reminded of this beautiful, young woman I clearly had an intimate relationship with, but couldn’t remember. I felt all kinds of familiarities, which made me comfortable being there in her—our apartment. But I constantly felt like a complete and utter dick for not remembering her. Her pain and sadness was a daily reminder. I dreamed of Alec every night, plagued by memories I wished I could forget, and those I couldn’t hold on to.

Her dog, Gage, was awesome. Everywhere I went, he lay at my feet or tried to body block me from leaving the apartment. The only time he was happy about me walking toward the door was when I had his leash in my hand. Guess he was more perceptive than I realized.

We arrived at Riley and Quinn’s house that afternoon, and there was a rental car in the driveway. I don’t know how I was able to remember some things, but not Sam or that Alec had died.

Motherfucker. I just couldn’t believe my little brother was dead.

Every morning, I woke up unsure how I would make it through another day without falling apart. I was off the pain meds, healing at a good rate, and only occasionally needed ibuprofen—so I began drinking more. But instead of a beer at the end of the day, I’d have whiskey. I wasn’t drinking a lot, but it was becoming a regular enough of a habit. I started to regret it, before tossing it back, leaving an empty glass behind. I wasn’t proud of it, but hitting the hard stuff helped calm my mind, and face the terrors of my dreams at night, where Alec was alive, but always just out of my reach.

It was a cruel thing what my memory was doing. Sometimes I wished I could forget Alec and remember Sam. It would have been easier than dealing with the pain of losing my little brother all over again each morning.

Sam reached over and grabbed my hand. “Are you okay, babe? Ready to go inside and see everyone?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about Alec.”

Her breath hitched and she squeezed my hand.

“I’ll be okay. Let’s go inside and say hi to everyone,” I said as I kissed the top of her hand.

“Okay.”

We rang the doorbell, and John answered with a smile. “Hey Emmett, Peachy.”

It grated on me that he called her Peachy. I wasn’t sure why. He was my best friend after all.

“I’m surprised you’re here, John, you’re down earlier than usual.”

“Actually, I never left after our last barbeque. I was supposed to fly back the day after your accident. But, I wanted to be sure you were going to be okay. Then Sam called and said you’d lost some of your memory, and I just wanted to be here for you, man.”

God, I was a dick. I’m sure it was something we probably joked about, him calling Sam Peachy, especially with the smartass expression he sent my way as he said it. He looked like he genuinely cared for her, but in a friend way, I was sure.

“Well thanks, man. It’s been a hard few weeks,” I said with a nod.

“Yeah, let’s save the heavy talk for after a few beers.”

“Sounds good. Got any of the hard stuff? I’ve been more of a whiskey kind of guy lately.”

I didn’t miss the stiffness that crept into Sam’s shoulders. I guessed she noticed more than I realized.

John gave me a sideways glance and nodded.

“You know Riley and Quinn, always have stock of everything. Or maybe you don’t remember. I’m sorry man,” he quickly finished.

“Nah, it’s okay. I remember that,” I murmured, looking over at where Sam was talking with Tamron and Alison.

It was well after lunch, but I decided it would be better to start off with a beer rather than going straight for the whiskey, even though it was calling my name. I had a moment of pause, when I realized I was craving its sweet oblivion. But I shook it off, and tried to listen to the conversation around me.

John walked outside with two beers and hopped up on the top of the brick wall that surrounded the back yard. I followed his lead.

He cleared his throat as he handed me my beer. “So, uh, you remember everything except Sam?” he asked.

I couldn’t look at him, just kept kicking the brick wall with my heels. “Yeah, that about sums it up,” I murmured. “The doctors call it selective amnesia. Sometimes I act like I don’t remember things so Sam won’t think it’s only her I’ve forgotten, but I’m pretty sure she’s figured it out. It must show on my face. She hasn’t questioned me about it, but I can tell she knows. It sucks to see the pain in her eyes.”

“Damn, man, that’s harsh,” John said.

“Yeah, tell me about it. The only other thing I forgot, was that Alec died.” My throat hurt, and was so dry I took a long swig of my beer, nearly drinking the whole thing.

“Wow, dude, you gonna suck that shit down in one gulp, or enjoy the hops?” he asked with a shocked look on his face.

“Sorry, man, I just . . . I can’t get over that Alec is gone. Fuck. He was my little brother! How the ever loving fuck can he be dead?”

John looked down at his feet. “I know, Emmett. I know. I remember, and it’s still hard to accept.”

“You know, at first, I didn’t even remember my name. Once I’d heard it a few times, it felt normal. It feels natural for me to be with Sam, too, but I still don’t remember her. I mean, my body clearly remembers hers, and that has been nothing short of amazing.”

“Well see then, at least y’all have that,” John replied. “I don’t know what I would do if I forgot the love of my life, and before you say anything, let me tell you that is exactly what she is to you. She. Is. The. Love. Of. Your. Life. You guys were made for each other. Soul mates. I hope to find that kind of love someday.”

“Let me ask you something,” I said. “I know I call her Peach. But why do you call her Peachy, and why did I wanna knock your lights out when you said it after you answered the door?”

John laughed. “Because I do it to mess with you, but mostly because I adore that little girl like a sister,” he added quickly. “You’re just greedy about it, but it fits her perfectly, and I can’t help it, because when I say it, she gets this lit up, happy expression on her face and giggles every time you start shit with me about it. It’s worth a punch or two in the arm,” he said and we both laughed.

Sam walked through the French doors carrying a tray of sandwiches and iced tea. She set it down on the picnic table and walked over to John and me.

“Hey, guys, can I get you anything?” she asked with an adorable smile.

“I’m good,” I replied “John, do you want anything?”

“Nah, Peachy, I’m okay. Thanks anyway,” he replied.

“Okay. We’ll be eating soon, but I brought out a couple mini sandwiches in case you guys were hungry,” she said as she pecked me on the cheek with a chaste kiss and walked back into the house.

“Damn it, man, I need a whiskey,” I said.

“Sure, but . . . why don’t we save the hard stuff for after dinner, okay?” John asked.

“Sure, good idea,” I answered.

As I watched Sam and the girls bringing everything outside it became clearer what I had to do. I wasn’t remembering, and I felt I needed an extreme change to figure it all out. We ate dinner, and as I sat across from Sam, I caught her looking at me with a subtle attempt at a smile. Her eyes were mostly down cast while she moved her food around her plate, only taking an occasional bite of her meal. I knew each day that I didn’t remember her, only caused her more pain. It was killing a piece of my soul each time I witnessed it.

We were sitting around the fire pit when Sam walked outside with a glass of whiskey and handed it to me. There was a slight tremble to her fingers as I took the glass from her hand. It wasn’t cold outside, so I knew it was me, and it made my stomach feel like there was a concrete block in it. I was losing my mind with all these emotions and trying to remember, yet not being able to. I tossed the whiskey back and stood up to get more. When I got inside the house, Tamron was waiting for me.

“Emmett, what the hell are you doing?” she seethed.

“Getting a drink,” I replied.

She smacked me on the shoulder. “I know what you’re doing. What I want to know is why. We always saved that shit for when we ran out of beer and were too blitzed to care. So why’re you drinking it like it’s going out of style?”

“Uh, I’m not. This was my first glass,” I retorted.

“That’s not what I am talking about. Sam said you’ve been drinking whiskey every night at home. That’s not like you. I don’t think you should keep doing that, Emmett. It’s not going to help you remember her,” she said.

“I know it won’t, Tamron! But it helps me fucking forget that I can’t remember her, or that my brother died! I can’t fucking sleep at night without dreaming of Alec. It’s tearing me apart. And I can’t stand the constant look of disappointment on Sam’s face! I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t.” My hands dropped to my sides, and I hung my head down in shame. I could no pretend that Sam hadn’t noticed.

“What do you mean, you can’t keep doing this?” she asked in a hushed but strained voice.

“I mean . . . damn it, I can’t keep living with Sam. I need my own place away from her and the constant turmoil. It’s killing both of us. I need to deal with Alec’s death before I can face not remembering the woman I’m supposed to be madly in love with.” I reached down and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. “I’m so confused, because it feels right to be with her, physically, yet my mind is blank. It’s just too much. I drink to chase away dreams of Alec calling my name, but I can never get to him. I drink to numb the pain I feel when I see Sam’s lonely, sad expressions. She tries to act like everything is okay, but I know it’s not. I can’t take it anymore, Tamron.”

“Oh my God. Emmett, please. No. You’ll devastate her.”

“Look, it’s what I have to do. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand, but I need to do it for me . . . and for her. It’ll be better this way, and maybe, if I ever remember her, and she’s still interested, then—maybe we can get back together. I’m gonna tell her tonight while she’s here with everyone. I think it may be easier having all of your support. Then I’ll see if John can drive me back to the apartment.”

“Oh fucking hell.” She threw her hands up. “This is going to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions, Emmett,” Tamron said as she walked out the back door.

I noticed Tamron walk back outside a few minutes after Emmett went in, probably for more whiskey. Her expression was grim, and she avoided my eyes. That wasn’t like her at all, and it left an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I suddenly felt like I wanted to run far away. I couldn’t shake it and began to feel overwhelming grief. When Emmett walked back outside, he wasn’t carrying whiskey. He wasn’t carrying anything. It was like staring into a great void, looking at him as he walked toward us by the fire.

I caught Tamron watching me as she slipped her phone into her pocket. Emmett slumped down in one of the chairs opposite me. My peripheral vision picked up on Alison checking her phone, and I glanced over as her expression went from wide-eyed to gloomy.

Everyone grew silent as Emmett cleared his throat. I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest, afraid of what he was about to say. Panic started to fill my chest.

“Uh, I need to talk to Sam, but I don’t want her to be alone now or when I am done, so I’m going to do it here. It’s not as if you won’t all know soon enough, and y’all know everything that’s going on now anyway.”

I kept hearing the word no . . . no, no, no, no, no, and I realized it was me, repeating the words like a mantra. I looked around at the pity on all of my friends’ faces, but it was Emmett’s expression of regret that broke me.

“Sam, I need to leave,” he said.

“Okay,” I squeaked. “If you’re tired we can go home.”

“No, it’s not that. Please, listen to me. My memories of you aren’t coming back, and every night, I dream of Alec. I drink to numb the pain of each of those. I just need some time and space to clear my head. That’s all.”

I sat there, staring at the fire while he spoke. The flames seemed to be choreographed with the words he was saying . . . mocking me in their flickering dance. It only amplified the pain that I felt.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be okay if I don’t get off the whiskey and face things. But I can’t do that while living with you. I feel guilty every time I see your sad face. It tears me up that I am the cause. I wish there was another way, but I just have to go.”

When he finished talking, I finally looked away from the fire and saw pain and regret in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Sam. Deeply and truly. I hope you’ll be okay, and realize that this is for the best. I need a fresh start . . . to figure out this mess.”

“A fresh start,” I repeated on a choked sob.

It was Alec’s words coming back to me all over again, only this time, from my Emmett. I rested my head in my hands.

“Just go,” I murmured.

“John, can you drive me so I can get my things from the apartment?”

Emmett looked at me for a long moment, his brow furrowed in sadness, then turned around and walked back into the house. John got up and followed him inside, not even looking in my direction. A few minutes later, I heard two car doors shut and the engine start. Tears streamed down my face as they drove away.

“Sam . . .” Alison began.

“I’m just going inside to lie down. I’m really tired, and want to be alone,” I said, holding up my hand in Tamron and Alison’s direction.

I stood up, walked into the house, and set my drink on the counter in the kitchen as I passed. Climbing the stairs one step at a time, I repeated Emmett’s words over and over in my head. The only room that wasn’t occupied was Emmett’s old room. Fantastic. My only solace away from everyone, was going to be filled with memories that would once have given me happy smiles, and content thoughts. Now I knew it would only bring me a deep pain that I would feel in my soul.

I went to the bathroom and washed the tears from my face even as new ones continued to flow down my splotchy red cheeks. When I lay down on Emmett’s old bed, I hugged his pillow to my chest and lost myself to my sobs.

“Well, that came out of nowhere,” John said.

“Yeah well, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days,” I replied.

“You could have given me a heads up, man. You broke Sam’s heart back there, and I get you’re a mess, but for fuck’s sake, Emmett, was that really the right way to do it?”

“I don’t think there was a right way to do that, no matter the scenario. At least this way, she’s not alone. She’s with friends who clearly love her. It was the best solution I could think of,” I said.

“If you say so,” he answered. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a big mistake. I’m sorry about the whole thing and that you are going through this, and damn man, I’m sorry about Alec too, but you need to cope with that and get back to your life with her ASAP. She’s not one to let go. She’s one to keep and cherish. One to hold onto and grown old with.”

“I know,” was all I could say. The rest of the ride back to the apartment was quiet. The only words spoken were John occasionally asking directions.

My rental car was in the parking lot. I grimaced when I saw it. It made me miss my Camaro. I knew I’d have to start looking for a new car soon. The insurance settlement had come in a few days before, but it wouldn’t compensate for all the hard work Alec, my dad, and I had done restoring my Camaro.

That damn car had so much sentimental value, and now it was gone, just like they were. I had nothing now. I felt empty as I opened the apartment door with my scratched up key. Clearly, the cut nickel I had on the key ring from Aunt Robin had damaged it. It’d been laser cut with a cross in the center of the nickel, and a ring around the edge from which the chain hung by. Aunt Robin had given Alec and me one after Mom and Dad’s funeral service.

“Emmett, are you going to be okay, man?” John asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be all right. I’m going to pack up some clothes and a few things. I’ll just get a hotel room for now.”

“Do you want me to hang here for a while? You don’t have to be alone.”

“No, it’s okay. I think I just really need to be alone for a while.”

“Okay . . . I’m going to leave you to it then, and get back to check on Sam. Knowing her like I do, and wish you still did, she probably bolted for the house as soon as you left. She’s not one for attention and coddling.”

My brow scrunched down at his last words. “Damn it,” I swore. I thought I was doing her a favor by telling her among our friends. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. That was a big part of why I was doing this. “Ok . . . uh, thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime, man,” he replied. “I’ll try to come by next week. I’ve decided to stay here for a while instead of flying back to Alaska, only to turn around and fly back a few months later for the winter.”

He walked over to where I was standing and pulled me into one of those awkward guy hugs. “It’s gonna be okay, Emmett. It has to be. Just don’t give up.”

“Thanks. I hope so. I can’t take much more of this hell.”

“I know. Listen, call me anytime, okay? I’ll see ya around,” he said as he walked out the door.

I packed up a few things, fed and watered Gage, then took him for a quick walk. When I came back, I tossed a few dog toys in the middle of the room and made sure to leave out a chew bone so he would have something to do while waiting for Sam to come home.

I loaded my stuff into the rental car and drove to a hotel five minutes away. It was close to campus and, since I didn’t know how long I’d be staying, made it easier to get to class.

My phone beeped with a text from Riley.

R:

Hey man, are you ok?

Me:

Yeah. No. I will be. I don’t fucking know, man.

R:

You want some company? Quinn and I could come by tomorrow.

Me:

Nah, John just asked the same thing. I need to be alone for a while, so I can come to terms with Alec’s death. Then maybe I can remember Sam again.

R:

Ok, man. Just let us know if you change your mind.

Me:

Thanks, Ry

R:

Anytime, man.

After I checked in and got settled into my hotel room, I sent a text message to Quinn to see how Sam was. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Me:

How is she?

Q:

She cried herself to sleep. In your old room.

Me:

Damn. I feel like a jerk.

Q:

Look, Emmett, we’re worried about you. Are you ok?

Before I could reply my phone beeped again.

Q:

Emmett, this is Tamron, I grabbed Quinn’s phone. Listen, she’ll be ok. Just do what you gotta do and get back with her as soon as you remember again.

Me:

I’m trying.

I set my phone down on the bedside table and plugged it in to the charger. Then I threw a couple water bottles into the mini fridge. I unpacked my clothes and put my bathroom stuff away. It wasn’t until I sat down and took a long sip of whiskey from the mini bar that I even realized I’d poured it. I decided it wasn’t time yet to cut back. I’d just left Sam and felt emptier than I’d imagined I would feel.

I knew Alec would be in my dreams again. He always was. The difference now was, I was alone in my grief. I knew Sam missed and mourned Alec too, but, when I was alone, it felt even harder to bear. So I brought the glass to my mouth again and tossed the contents back, relishing in the burn it left behind in my throat.

Pouring another, I closed my eyes and recalled Sam’s expression when I told her I was leaving. I felt torn, relieved that I wouldn’t have to see her disappointment every time she looked at me, but there was also the part of me that felt like a complete and utter asshole for leaving her.

I found myself pouring another two fingers of whiskey into my glass and just sat there alone, staring at the amber liquid. I tossed that glass back too, and decided to sleep the day, the night, and the whiskey off. Lying down and closing my eyes, I let my mind drift off to oblivion.

But that night, unlike so many nights since my accident, I didn’t dream of Alec. Instead, I dreamed of beaches and sunsets with tangled bodies and wide-open black skies with shimmering stars, of laughter and teasing smiles.

I dreamed of Sam.