Текст книги "Chaser"

Автор книги: Staci Hart

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

GRAVITY

Maggie

THE CHILDREN’S FACES WERE TURNED up to mine, eyes full of hope and wonder as I read to them the next morning, feeling like I’d been hit by a steam roller. Which was to say that I felt nothing. I was stretched out and flattened.

Numb.

I’d opened my eyes after passing out the night before to find Lily and Rose leaning over me¸ looking terrified. And the tears fell. They fell in the shower, mingling with the scalding water that beat down on me like a fiery baptism. They slipped down my cheeks and into my ears, onto my pillow as I lay in bed, alone.

Lily wanted to stay with me, but I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want anyone to see me.

I wanted to disappear.

I’d woken up feeling nothing. Got dressed and left the apartment in a daze, came to the shelter and did my job. I didn’t check my phone until the morning, and when I finally did, I found texts from Cooper, saying he hoped I was asleep and had gotten some rest. Said he couldn’t wait to see me.

My chest was hollow as I messaged him back, telling him I was busy and that I’d be over after work. And then I put my phone in my bag, unable to check it again. I just couldn’t.

The one thing I’d learned after all was said and done: I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t even been close to being ready. What I had been doing was fooling myself. Pretending. I was too broken, so broken that I’d been walking around, stuck together with duct tape and bubblegum, acting like I was fine.

I didn’t trust myself to make decisions about Cooper. He gave me his heart, and I took it too soon. And now, I was about to drop it. Break it. Shatter it.

So stupid. So careless.

Maybe it was for the best.

I hadn’t been enough for Jimmy – how could I ever be enough for Cooper Moore? I believed that he wanted to try, that he’d do the best he could to only be with me. I wanted to think he could do it. But the only other boy I’d ever given my heart to didn’t care for it. He just wasn’t equipped, and I couldn’t be sure that Cooper was, either.

But the scariest thing of all – my feelings for Jimmy were back, buzzing around my head, around my heart, reminding me of everything I’d lost. The love I’d never had to start with.

I could see a dozen ways out of my mess, and no path was easy. In my favorite one, time healed my wounds, Cooper earned my trust, and we could be together. But every other path ended up in heartache, mine or his. Or both.

I couldn’t risk any more than I already had.

I turned the page of Cinderella, the version by Hilary Knight with the most lovely illustrations. It was the same one my mom read to me as a girl, the one I always used in class. The kids sat at my feet, leaning forward as I read. I didn’t need to look at the words. I knew them by heart.

For so long, I believed in fairy tales. That Jimmy was my prince, and I was living my happily ever after. But the reality was that my life was the opposite of a fairy tale. My prince lied. My happily ever after didn’t exist.

No, if my life were a fairy tale, it would go something like this.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Maggie who was honest and true, who danced her way through life with sunshine in her eyes and a smiling heart.

One day she met a beautiful boy with a beautiful smile who showed her what it meant to love, and her gravity shifted until her whole world revolved around him, her sun, the middle of her little universe that he filled with laughter and happiness.

But then the sun went out, and in the darkness, she found the truth.

That beautiful boy had lied. His smile was plastic – the truth cracked it until it crumbled, like sunshine cracks thirsty earth. And her little universe blew apart, sending her spinning, flying into the darkness with nothing to grab onto, nothing to stop her.

She closed her eyes to hide until she felt the warmth of a new sun, a bigger sun, a sun brighter than she’d ever seen before. But he pulled her in too fast. She couldn’t trust his smile, couldn’t let herself believe. And as she spun around him, he pulled her closer, spinning her faster and faster until she couldn’t hold on. 

And so she flew away once more into the dark, feeling free and lost in equal measure.

I read the last page of Cinderella and closed the book. The kids smiled up at me, and I smiled back against the hollow in my chest. We moved to the table where strips of orange construction paper and yarn waited for their tiny fingers, and I sat them all down and began to help them assemble paper pumpkins.

I felt a little like Cinderella, like I’d gotten to live a dream life for just a moment before I had to face reality again. The carriage smashed into pumpkin bits. The shoe was lost. And now I had to tell the prince that I couldn’t be with him after all.

So the clock ticked on, counting down the moments before the magic would end. And when the time came, I packed up my things and walked the blocks to his apartment. Rode up the elevator and knocked on his door. And if my heart could have felt, it would have broken.

Cooper

An entire day of elation, a weekend that changed my life, a month that had opened my heart – it was all washed away when I opened my door and saw Maggie.

She looked small, grey and dull everywhere except her eyes. Her eyes were on fire.

Alarms rang as I watched the curves of her face, looking for answers, knowing what she felt without her needing to say a word. But I asked her anyway, afraid to move.

“What’s wrong?” My voice was tight. My heart was tighter.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course.” I pulled open the door and stepped out of the way, and she walked past me, into my apartment.

I closed the door, barely able to hear over my pulse rushing in my ears. Her hands were clasped in front of her, fingers twisted together, flexing like they did when she was nervous or scared. I didn’t speak, just waited until she was ready.

I was the king of waiting.

Her words were soft – she wouldn’t look at me. “I’m sorry, Cooper.”

My heart stopped, starting again like a kick drum. “Why are you sorry? What happened?”

She shook her head. “I … I came home to a package from Jimmy. A letter. I thought I was ready to do this, but I’m not, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was careless, I just … this weekend … I was just so caught up in you. But Jimmy’s not gone. And that’s not fair to you.”

“Do you still love him?” My voice was rough.

The honesty in her eyes hurt almost as bad as the words themselves. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to let go of him … I’ve never even really tried. I just ran away. But I can’t run away anymore.”

I couldn’t speak.

“I’m broken, Cooper. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t know what else to do but take some time to sort through it all.”

I hung onto a sliver of hope. I could give her time. I’d give her anything she wanted. “I’m here, Maggie, and I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’m here.”

She took a shuddering breath with her eyes on the ground. All I wanted in the universe was to pull her into my arms and hold her. I just loved her too much to do it.

She shook her head, her eyes on her fingers. “Cooper, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

A tear slipped down her face, and I stepped toward her, chest aching as I cupped her cheek, urging her to look at me.

“Hey,” I whispered. “Maggie, you didn’t do anything wrong. Do you hear me?”

Her eyes were bright and open when she met mine. “I wanted to be okay. I wanted everything to be fine. I thought it was, but it’s not.”

“It will be. I promise.” I kissed her forehead, and she leaned into me.

“I should go,” she said softly.

I knew she didn’t want to, but I stepped back anyway, let her go. Watched her walk away, not knowing if she’d ever come back to me.

Maggie

The only time I’d felt alive all day was when I was there, with him.

I’d wanted to stay. I’d wanted to fall into his arms where I was safe. But he wasn’t safe with me. I’d been selfish enough.

The second I walked away, the fire in my heart turned to ash, blowing through me. Empty.

Time was stretched out and strange as I made my way home through the park at dusk, the sky golden, the trees green and rustling from the wind. Fallen blossoms skated and spun across the path in whirls and currents before flying away.

My mind was everywhere and nowhere as I walked the path, then the blocks to my building and up the stairs. And when I opened the door, I found Rose and Lily waiting for me, sitting at the kitchen table with drinks.

Lily’s blond hair was loose, her blue eyes soft. “Hey. You okay?”

I set down my bag. “No.”

“As suspected. Whiskey or gin?”

I cracked a smile. “Whiskey.”

Lily motioned to the Maker’s on the table. “You heard the woman, Rosie.”

I felt the slightest bit better and took a seat as Rose poured drinks.

“So, here’s the deal,” Lily said with a smile. “We can talk about it, or we can not talk about it. We can get piss drunk, or we can stay sober. You’re the boss.”

I took a deep breath, thinking about it. “Let’s start with this and see where we end up.”

Rose passed the drinks out and raised her glass. “Fuck it.”

“Fuck it.” Lily and I added and clinked our glasses together.

We all took drinks, and Lily and Rose turned to me.

I shook my head. “I’m not ready to talk about it. Y’all tell me what’s going on with you.”

Lily nodded. “Well, nothing exciting here. I was at the theater all weekend and hung out with West.”

“How’s everything at work?” I took a sip of my whiskey, comforted by the sweet burn.

She shrugged. “Same. It’s bittersweet because Swan Lake is over. That was exhausting. Amazing, but exhausting.”

“Blane still behaving himself?”

“As well as he can, I guess. He’s been professional, which is all I really need. I have to admit though, it’s fun watching him chase after Nadia because she is one hundred percent done with him.”

Rose shook her head. “I still can’t believe you’re friends with that c-bag.”

Lily shrugged. “I don’t know. I get her, I guess. We survived Blane together.” She leaned forward, smiling. “She’s started dating another dancer, and Blane is so bitchy about it. He does to Aaron what Nadia used to do to me, like stand across the room and try to set them on fire with his eyeballs.”

I chuckled and took a drink, feeling almost normal. “How about you, Rose?”

She twisted her black hair into a knot and shook out her bangs. “Just sleep and work. I skateboarded through the park today. I swear, it’s the one thing I miss about LA. I didn’t have to go out of my way to skate. I could just hop on my board and take off. No one skates in New York. Too many people.” She narrowed her eyes. “Okay, two things I miss. Flip flops.”

Lily laughed. “Yeah, you don’t wear those in New York unless you want foot herpes. I mean, in the subway? Ew.”

Rose sighed and shook her head. “I used to have a permanent flip flop tan line.”

“Do you ever miss it?” I asked.

She bobbled her head, her dark eyes on her drink as she picked it up. “Sometimes. I miss my friends more than I do actually living there. Like, I don’t miss the traffic. New York is easy like that. Get where you need on the train without having to sit on the 405 for two hours on a Saturday to make it twenty miles.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Lies. Manhattan is convenient, but only for other stuff in Manhattan. It’s like when you meet someone who lives in Brooklyn. They may as well live in Japan.”

Rose conceded with a nod and a gesture with her glass.

“Is it really that far?” I asked, feeling like a noob.

“No,” Lily answered, “it’s not. That’s what makes it so ridiculous.”

“New York is funny that way.” I said. “Like, I hate that the subway doesn’t run east to west through the park, only north to south. What’s that all about? Getting to the East Side is such a pain in the ass.”

Rose pulled her legs into lotus. “I mean, the park is only three blocks wide, so it’s not a huge deal.”

I took a sip of my drink. “No, but to get from here to the shelter takes way longer than it should. I’ve been walking because the weather is so great right now, but what if it’s raining? What about in the winter when it’s cold, or snowing? I mean, me in snow is a whole other issue all together.”

Lily raised her glass. “We should write a strongly worded email to the transit authority.”

I snickered and took another drink, nearly draining my glass.

“How was work?” Lily asked.

“It was rough, long. Today was my first day with the kids, and it went well. You know, other than feeling like a dead fish.”

They nodded, and we all took a drink.

I set my empty glass down and watched the ice melt inside. “I went to Cooper’s after work today.”

“What happened?” Lily asked gently.

“I told him that I needed time.”

Rose waited through a breath. “What happened over the weekend?”

I pushed my glass to her, and she filled it up. “It was amazing. Perfect. He was perfect. And in the end, I told him I wanted to be with him. To say fuck the rules and be together, to tell West. And then, Jimmy happened.”

“Fucking Jimmy.” Rose passed my drink over and sipped her own.

But I just held the glass in my hands and shook my head. “So I went to Cooper’s after work. I had to talk to talk to him, try to explain, you know? After all that, after making a promise, to have to go back on it …”

“How did it he take it?” Lily asked.

“Better than I thought he would, honestly. I expected him to try to convince me to change my mind, but he just let me go. I don’t know if I had the willpower to say no if he begged.” I spun my glass around. “He told me that he’d be waiting.” I took a heavy sip to burn away the lump in my throat.

Rose and Lily exchanged looks.

“What?” I asked.

Rose shook her head. “It’s just that this is so unlike Cooper.”

Lily shifted in her seat. “I mean, you have to understand – Cooper gets what he wants. No, it’s not even that. He can convince you to give him what he wants, and he’ll even have you thanking him for convincing you by the end of it. You said he just let you go. That he wants to be with you, and he let you go. It goes against Cooper physics.”

I felt sick. “Maybe he just doesn’t care about me enough to put up a fight.”

“He said he would wait for you,” Rose said. “That doesn’t sound like he wasn’t putting up a fight. It sounds like he’s giving you what you need so you’ll come back to him. Putting your needs above his own.”

I sighed. “That doesn’t make me feel less pressure to make a decision.” I picked up my drink and knocked it back.

“I know. But you should know that we believe he’s sincere, if that’s a question,” Lily added.

I wiped the sweat off my glass. “I just…I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about Cooper or Jimmy or even myself. The closest I can get is knowing that I’d like to drink a third of this bottle, eat a pint of ice cream, and cry myself to sleep.”

Lily watched me. “What did you do with the box?”

“It’s in the closet. If you want to set it on fire or anything, be my guest.”

Rose poured another drink for herself. “Have you heard from Jimmy?”

“He texted me again. I haven’t responded to him in months, though.” I drained my drink and passed it to Rose, who took it and made quick work of filling it back up. “Now it’s been so long since we’ve talked, I don’t know what to say.”

“How about, ‘Go lick a hot iron real quick.’”

Rose snorted. “‘Stick a paperclip in an outlet and then call me.’”

“What would you even say to him?” Lily sat back in her seat, gathering her hair up and twisting it absently.

“I really don’t know. The hardest part of all of this is … well, everything. Even just seeing his handwriting. It’s the same handwriting on notes passed to me in high school. The only handwriting that’s ever written ‘I love you.’” I shook my head. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. But the entire thing was a lie, and I’m the fool who believed it. The fool who was suckered for years into thinking I’d found my dream guy.”

Rose rested her elbows on the table. “You don’t think he loved you?”

I dragged in a breath and let it go. “No, I suppose he loved me in his way. Loves me, if his note is true. But I don’t know that he’s capable of giving me what I want, giving me what he promised me when he put that ring on my finger. I believe he loves me, but I don’t believe he respects me. If he did, he wouldn’t have ever cheated. I just don’t know why he won’t let me go. Why would he do this to me? He’s already hurt me enough, and it’s not like I’ve been stringing him along. I haven’t even spoken to him. I thought moving two thousand miles away would solidify my stance on our relationship.”

Lily nodded. “I’m sure he’s sad and hurt, feeling guilty.”

My brow dropped at the thought, my hurt burning fresh. “I don’t pity him. I hope he regrets what he did to me every day for the rest of his life. The more I consider his motivation for sending that fucking box – which was selfish, because of course it was  – the angrier I get. I was trying to move on, get over it.”

“But you weren’t, really.” Rose pointed out.

“No, I wasn’t. But I was trying to. Pretending to. If I ignored it long enough, it would have just been behind me one day, wouldn’t it have?” I knew how delusional it sounded the second it left my mouth, but funny enough, it’d always been something I’d considered an actual solution.

Rose sighed and picked at the placemat. “It doesn’t work that way in my experience. Your hurt just hangs around in some dark corner of your mind until something triggers it. And then, it explodes.”

I blew out a long breath, realizing how dumb I’d been. “Like last night.”

“Yes, like last night.” Lily paused. “Are you going to answer Jimmy? Call him?”

Dread snaked through me. “I don’t know.”

She picked up her drink. “I think what you need is closure.”

The word sounded like a promise, laced with hope. “But how?”

Lily shook her head. “I don’t know, but I think it’s the only way you’ll get through it, or at least the fastest way. Time can only do so much, you know? I mean, you can hide out, but look at how that’s going. He sent a letter and a box full of things that you already knew existed in the world, and you hyperventilated until you passed out. When was the last time you talked to him? Like, really talked to him?”

“Just before I left. He came over again, and Daddy sent him packing.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like you really talked to him. What happened after the wedding?”

“He came over the next day, but I got so upset when we tried to talk that I nearly had a panic attack. Daddy told him not to come back.”

“And then what happened?” Lily asked. “When did you see him after that?”

“I didn’t. I stayed home a lot, avoided the places I knew he went.”

“So,” Rose leaned on the table, “you mean to say that you never really sat down and talked to Jimmy about everything?”

“I guess not,” I answered quietly. “I didn’t have to handle anything, really. Mom sent all the gifts back, Daddy handled all the money. I got through the reception and then it was almost like it never happened. Except he’d come by, text me, call me. I just ignored him. I ignored everyone, and then I ran away.”

Lily’s eyes were sad. No one spoke, so I kept going.

“I didn’t know what to say to him. I just wanted him to go away, disappear. It’s why I moved here, you know that.”

“And he hasn’t let you go. He’s not going to either, I’d bet. Not until you deal with him.” Lily said.

“So … I should call him?”

She sighed. “I don’t know.”

Rose took a deep breath. “You’ve got to find a way to face it because if you don’t, it’ll just keep following you around like a ghost. Just when you think it’s gone, that you’re better, wham. Something happens and kicks you straight back to rock bottom.”

“Same thing happened when my grandmother died,” Lily said. “I didn’t cry for weeks. Spent all that time distracting myself, rehearsed extra hours, watched a ton of movies. And then, one day, I found her old scarf in my drawer, and I cried for two days straight. It’s unpredictable, grief.”

“But it’s not so sad as someone dying.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. You’re mourning the relationship. It’s the future you constructed that died, and in the end, you still lost someone you love.”

I took a breath and picked up my drink, blinking back tears. “So how do I get closure? What do I have to do? Because there has to be something. I can’t just sit around waiting for another meltdown.”

Rose shook her head. “If you don’t find a way to shut him down once and for all then it’s definitely going to happen again.”

“What do I even tell him? I obviously don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to try again. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. What if he begs? What if somehow he convinces me … tells me … what if I…”

“Go back to him?” Lily asked. “I don’t think you’d do that. Do you?”

“I honestly don’t even know right now. I don’t trust myself, not with him and not with Cooper, and for entirely separate reasons.” I took a drink, almost killing it. Rose reached for it, and I waved her off.

Lily brought a knee up. “And what reasons are those?”

“I’m afraid Jimmy will convince me to come back, and I’m afraid to care about Cooper.”

“It might be too late for that,” Rose said.

“Might be. But I’m scared I’ll make it worse. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Might be too late for that, too,” Lily added.

“Which is exactly why I walked away from him today. I can’t be responsible for someone else’s feelings right now, not when I can’t even deal with my own.”

Rose sighed. “This sucks.”

“Tell me about it.” I tipped my drink back until it was gone and set the glass on the table. “So, I’ve got to talk to Jimmy.”

Lily shrugged. “Doesn’t seem like he’s going anywhere. Ghosting him isn’t really an option. And anyway, ghosting is for pussies.”

“Ghosting?” I asked.

She pushed her hair over her shoulder. “Yeah, you know, when someone just disappears out of your life? Like they vanish, stop texting, unfollow you on social media. It’s basically a way for people to puss out of dealing with their relationships by running away instead of facing the other person and explaining themselves. You’re better than that. You can face him. Let him beg. You’re not going to forget what he did to you. You won’t forget the hurt. But you can close the door so you can move on.”

I nodded, staring into the amber liquid in my glass. “I’m going to have to prep myself for this. Hard.”

“Well,” Lily said with a smile, “luckily you have all the time you need. And you have two friends armed with an offensive sense of humor and lots and lots of alcohol.”

I chuckled. “Well, if that’s waiting for me at the end of all this, then maybe I’ll be okay.”

“Oh, you’ll definitely be okay,” she said, and part of me actually believed it was true.