Текст книги "Infatuation"

Автор книги: River Savage

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Past Mackenzie

His arm rests heavily on my chest, pinning me down to the bed. Paralyzed with fear, I continue counting in my head. Starting at one and finishing at one hundred. Over and over I repeat it. I’ve made it through counting to one hundred over fifty times now. Each one bringing me closer to my freedom.

Not knowing if he’s feigning sleep, I force myself to wait it out another twenty rounds of counting. Chad is a heavy sleeper most days, but I can’t trust he isn’t waiting for me to make a move.

Once I count through the final hundred, I slowly shift my weight praying to God he doesn’t wake. Each small movement cracks at the carefully constructed armor I’ve erected to stay strong. Once I know he’s asleep, I untangle myself, and tiptoe my way to the bathroom and make quick work of changing out of my nightgown.

I know leaving Chad may bring more pain, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. I know out of anyone, Heidi will help me. Most people don’t want to know about the ugliness that hides behind people’s doors. They prefer to look away, pretend to not notice the bruises, the busted lips. But Heidi has never been one to shy away. She’s been begging me to leave him.

In the beginning, Chad would leave marks that wouldn’t raise suspicion, until he didn’t. On one occasion after he had blackened my eye he told me that he liked to see his mark on me. The sick bastard enjoyed it. I didn’t know then how bad it would get.

Until tonight.

After the big blow-up earlier, that ended with me lying on our hallway floor used, abused and broken, I knew it was the end. Knew I had to leave. I wasn’t sure if next time I would survive.

Trying to forget the nightmare of earlier, I give one final look at a sleeping Chad, and then slowly creep out of the room, down the stairs and out the front door to my escape. I know this is risky walking out the front door, but there is no other way. Our house is closed in on both sides.

Josi, Chad’s dog, would have a fit if I walked out the back door and didn’t take her out and there’s no way I can take the car. Sparing one last thought of Josi, I swallow my tears at leaving her and continue my escape. I can’t think of her or anyone but myself tonight. For once think of yourself, Kenz.

Careful to keep looking back to make sure I’m not being followed, I keep my pace until the end of the street. Only then do I start to jog, freedom calling me forward the further I move away from our home. My jog turns into a run when I get three streets away. The flip-flops I managed to put on in my rush were kicked off five minutes ago. Gravel, stones, and sharp objects pierce my feet, but I don’t let it slow me down. After ten minutes of running, I turn down my best friend Heidi’s street. It’s not the smartest move coming to Heidi, but if there is any chance of me getting out of town tonight, she is it.

Managing to make it to her front door, I hope my panicked knock is enough to bring her to the door before I’m seen. My prayer is answered when after just thirty seconds, she answers.

“What in God’s name?” She takes one look at my face and pulls me inside. “I’m going to kill him.” She moves me straight to the kitchen as I try to bring my breathing back under control.

“I need you to get me out of here right now, Heidi. We don’t have much time.” I finally find my voice as she wets down a cloth, preparing to clean me up.

“I need to take you to the damn police and the hospital, is what I need to do,” she counters and I know this is going to take some work to get her to listen.

“Heidi, we don’t have time for this. I need to leave town now before Chad has every cop out there looking for me.” I start pulling her back to the front door.

“Just wait a second, Kenzie. Tell me what happened.” She breaks free from my hold. My panic is only growing each second she fights me on this.

“PLEASE!” I scream, starting to see my chance slipping away. The idea of freedom is teasing me. I’m so close. Yet so far.

The distress in my voice is enough to make her realize just how serious I am.

“Fuck,” she curses, finally listening. “Let me pack a bag.” We really don’t have time for her to pack a bag, but I don’t want to push it. I’ve just shown up in the middle of the night and demanded we leave.

After pacing for a few minutes, Heidi comes back with an overnight bag. Dressed in yoga pants and sweatshirt, she hands me a pair of shoes. I take them with a thank you and we move back to the front door. I don’t know where we’re heading; all I know is I need as much of a head start as I can get.

“You sure about this, Kenz?” she asks one last time.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything. I only have you here. And as much as I love you, I need to get as far away as I can.” I admit the ugly truth. I don’t have anything holding me here. No family. No loved ones. If I stay any longer, I’m not sure I will survive.

She doesn’t say anything or try to change my mind. I can see the understanding in her eyes, see the pity she feels for me. The concern. As much as I love Heidi, I can’t let our friendship deter me from leaving.

“Come on,” she finally agrees. I know this will be hard for her, but she knows deep down it’s my only option. We walk quickly back through her house but before we can get to the front door, the bell rings.

Our eyes find each other quickly, both of us coming to a standstill.

“OPEN UP, HEIDI! I know she’s in there.” Chad’s enraged voice comes through the front door and washes over me, blanketing me with his own particular kind of terror. He rings the bell again and bangs on the door.

I wasn’t quick enough. It’s only going to be worse now.

“Oh, God, no.” My legs become jelly, no longer able to keep me up, and I fall to the floor in a heap.

“Don’t you dare give up,” Heidi whisper-yells at me. She comes forward and leans down. Placing her hands under my arms, she helps me find my feet.

“It’s too late, Heidi. He’s found me.” The words find their way out over my distress. If I thought tonight was bad, when he has me alone after this, who knows what he will do.

“Call the police. Now!” she orders as the front door is kicked open. Chad stands in the doorway, his face distorted with rage. I want to run, take my chances and hope I can get away, but I can’t. I failed to be out of his clutches for less than twenty minutes, and the pain of that realization hurts more than my busted-up face.

“Mackenzie, there you are, sweetheart.” His sugar-coated voice fills the hall, sinking me further into the depths of despair. “What are you doing here?” He looks at me, a frown spreading across his face.

“You better fucking get out of my house. I’m calling the cops, Chad.” Heidi steps in front of me, but we both know she’s not going to stop Chad from getting what he wants.

“I’m just here to take my wife home.”

“To her prison?” She scoffs, making the situation worse. She has no idea what he’s capable of.

“Come here now, Mackenzie. You should have known I would find you. Wherever you go, I will always find you.” Just as the words leave his lips, a lone tear rips its way through me and slides down the apple of my cheek. I’ll never be rid of him and he’ll never let me go.

Eight

Beau

“What do you mean it’s a missing person’s case?” My hand comes down on Jackson’s desk. My patience is wearing thin and I’m about to fucking lose it.

“I mean he’s off the grid, Beau. The Mayor has the whole department trying to find him. We’re treating it like a missing person’s case.” Jackson delivers the news I don’t want to hear.

“Bullshit, the asshole probably has him in hiding so he can protect him.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No, I don’t. But I know his family’s ties, know what they are all capable of. We can’t just sit around and wait for Chad to pull some shit. He’s messed up. You’ve fucking seen how far he was out of line at Jesse’s party last year and how he got off.” I think back to when he held a broken beer bottle to Holly’s throat trying to find Mackenzie. We thought the crazy fucker would be put away, but he pleaded out and was slapped with a misdemeanor and community service.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Beau. I’m doing what we can here. For all we know, he fucked with the wrong person and he’s in some shallow grave. We need to look at all possibilities here.”

“Fuck, I wish.” I scoff, knowing it’s where he belongs.

“I didn’t hear that.” Jackson counters.

I smirk, then hold his stare for a minute before running my hand over my beard.

“So that’s it. Just some bullshit play from the Mayor and it’s filed away for never.”

“Trust me, it’s far from over. But you’re blowing up for no reason. Keep your head straight. No one knows she’s back in town and if Chad is missing, he’s not going to bother you.”

He has a point, but it doesn’t placate me.

“I don’t believe for a second he’s missing. He’s waiting.”

“Well, we have an APB out on him. We’re waiting too.”

“Fuck the APB. You think some bullshit police protocol is going to protect her from this sick fuck?” I stand and begin pacing. Jesus Christ. How hard is it to find the fucker? “You sure you can trust these assholes here?” I point out the door to the officers on the case. “They’re not working for the Mayor?”

“Trust me, I understand your frustration, Beau. But I told you this wasn’t going to be easy. You need to let us do what we can.”

“No, fuck this shit. If you can’t even find the fucker, how am I supposed to trust you have her back?” I stand and move toward the door.

“Beau, don’t do anything stupid,” he calls out, and I stop and turn.

“I won’t, but if I have to, you won’t know.” I walk out of his office without a backward glance. The last thing I need to do is bring us into more shit, but Chad needs to be found, not only for Mackenzie’s sake, but also for my own. If the asshole gets to her again, I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive myself. I’d rather take the fucker’s life than have him hurt her.

“Think this through, Beau,” Jackson’s warning across the station doesn’t stop me. I know I should just leave it, let Jackson and his men sort it out, but knowing the fucker is out there, probably trying to come up with some sick way of getting her back, is consuming me. I don’t want to think about why this is messing with me. If I were honest, it’s more than a need to protect her. It’s something more. Something I’m not sure I’m ready to admit. Just being under the same roof appears to tame the growing need though.

“I won’t be able to protect you if this goes too far.”

“Catch ya, Jackson.” I ignore his warning, step outside and head to my bike. I’ve been relying too much on the law to put an end to this. If Jackson can’t sort this out, I’m going old school. I’ll call in my own markers and make sure whatever we find out will be handled in house.

Once and for all.

I pull up at the clubhouse two hours later and take a moment to contemplate going in. I know I probably should just head home to my place. I mean, it’s been over a month since I’ve slept in my own bed, but the thought of leaving her alone doesn’t sit well with me. Every night since Kenzie showed up, I haven’t spent a night away from the clubhouse. From her. Even though she sleeps in the furthest room from me, I’m relaxed knowing I’m close. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could climb into her bed, hold her and tell her I’ll never let the asshole touch her again though.

“Hey, fucker. What you doing out here?” Jesse’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

“Nothing. Just got in.” I climb off my bike. Yeah, no way I’m leaving her tonight. “Where you off to?” I take the focus off me and notice his tidy appearance.

“Dinner with Bell’s parents,” he answers as he climbs onto his own bike.

“How’s everything going? Paige settled in?”

“It’s been tense. But she’s adjusting. They all are.”

“Bell doing okay?”

“Yeah, just relieved to have her sister home. The whole thing has been a fucking mess, but it can only get better, right? I have to head out, can’t be late. We can catch up later. You gonna be in tomorrow night?” He stops, letting a grin take over his face. “Of course you will.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” I bark. I’m ready to go at him for his smart remark. Of course all my brothers know how messed up I am over Mackenzie. They’ve been very vocal about it.

Fuckers.

“Nothing man, fucking chill. It’s just you’ve been spending every night here and taking less call outs.”

Deciding not to have it out with him, I flip him off and walk to the door. He laughs at me, but I ignore it and the fact he’s right.

Yeah, I’ve spent every night here. So fucking what?

Doesn’t mean shit.

And the call outs are only less because I’ve taken on more of an administration roll to begin taking over the operation. Not that he gives a fuck.

His bike starts up, the rumble of the pipes filling the air just as I step inside.

“Mackenzie?” I call out when I walk into the main living area.

“In the kitchen. Go clean up. Dinner will be ready in ten,” she shouts back and I can’t seem to hold in my smirk at the routine we’ve found ourselves in.

Jesus, who would have thought?

Not wanting to delay in seeing her, I make my way to her. The clubhouse is quiet for a Wednesday and I’m grateful for it. Between work and dealing with trying to find Chad, I haven’t had much alone time with her this last week, so dinner has become our thing.

“Hey, darlin’.” I rest up against the door and watch her move about the kitchen like she owns it. She may as well, she spends most of her day in here, cooking and baking. The whole clubhouse is in love with her and her baked treats.

“Oh, you’re ready?” She spins around and graces me with one of her smiles, and just like the first time I ever saw it, it fucking hits me. “How’s your day?” She goes back to the pots on the stove, stirring one with a wooden spoon. It smells good, and as I enter the kitchen all the way, I try to spy what she’s making tonight.

Fettuccini Carbonara.

“Busy, had a meet with Jackson.” I decide to fill her in and take a seat at the table. I’ve learned over the last month she likes to fight me when it comes to food. It’s starting to become our thing. Tonight I’d rather just sit and let her feed me.

“Detective Carter?” She stops and looks up. “Is everything okay?” She stills as a flash of panic distorts her smile before she covers it up.

“No, still no word. The Mayor has the department looking into it like a missing person. It’s all bullshit if you ask me. They’re just protecting the fucker.” I deliver the bad news wishing I could wipe the disappointment away.

“Well, maybe it’s not such a bad thing he’s missing. Maybe something happened. Maybe he’s not coming to find me anymore.” Her voice lowers to a whisper.

Yeah, maybe not, darlin’.

“Do you honestly believe Chad is going to give up?” I call her out on it. We both know who we’re dealing with; this asshole won’t rest till he wins.

“I’m just trying to stay positive.” She moves back, grabbing some plates from the cabinet and setting them on the counter. I watch her face. With the worry marring her forehead, I can almost sense her despair from across the room.

“You should be positive, Kenz.” I rise from my seat and take the few steps to stand in front of her. “Your asshole ex is not going to get to you here. I won’t let him, I promise.”

“You can’t promise that, Beau. I’m not always going to be here. You’re not always going to be able to protect me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, darlin’. I’m always going to protect you.” She looks up, eyes blazing, and it breaks me. The uncertainty calls to me. Like I’ve been where she is and I’d do anything to stop her from feeling like this. I know I’m close to overstepping some kind of line here, but it’s like I don’t give a fuck anymore.

“And when I leave?” She hands me a plate of fresh steaming fettuccini and I have to force my fingers to grip it tighter to stop myself from dropping it.

“Leave? What the fuck are you talking about, darlin’?” I stand there confused, watching her set herself up at the dinner table.

“Well—” She stops, realizing I haven’t followed her over. “Come sit.” She pats the spot next her. Clearing my throat, I follow her over and take a seat.

“So, I’ve been thinking. They’re no closer to finding Chad—”

“You don’t know that,” I cut her off, not wanting her to lose hope.

“I know, but I need to begin moving on with my life.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Kenz?” I bark, taken aback by where this conversation is going.

“I was talking to Kelly and Hunter today. I didn’t even know they were related, did you?” She starts to ramble, but gets back on track. “Anyway, Hunter said there’s an empty apartment in the complex he lives in. I’ve been saving my pay from Nix. I have enough for a deposit.”

“Hunter?” Rage boils in my body the second his name leaves her lips.

Fucking Hunter.

“Yeah.” She eyes me slowly, catching on to my change in demeanor.

“Kenzie, you can’t move out, not when Chad is still out there.” My hand moves to my beard and I rub hard trying to calm my anger.

“I can’t just sit around here anymore, Beau. I’m going crazy. I need normal. I need to be away from the parties, the women. You’ve all been so welcoming here, taking me in and giving me protection, but Chad hasn’t come for me yet.”

“It’s too dangerous, Kenzie.” I’m not okay with this plan and I’m not backing down.

“So I should stay here until you find him? Living in fear like I was doing in Ohio.”

“I don’t understand you, Mackenzie.” I stand and move to the fridge for a beer. I think I’m gonna need a few for this conversation.

“You don’t understand I want to be happy?” I pop the top of my beer and take a seat back down.

“I don’t see why you would want to risk your safety.” I pick up my fork and dig in, twisting it to roll up some pasta.

“Are you happy, Beau?”

I swallow a mouthful of food before I answer. “What does that have to do with you leaving our protection, Mackenzie?”

“Just answer me, Beau.”

“Yeah, I’m happy.” I shrug, not really sure what she’s trying to achieve here. “I mean there have been times I haven’t been,” I add, deciding she needs the truth. “There’ve been plenty of times throughout the last ten years I’ve questioned myself, what I’ve been doing, where I’m going. But I finally found a head space I’m happy in.” I fill my mouth with another serving of pasta.

“You think it’s a head space?” She looks back up, my answer surprising her.

“I don’t know. Sometimes I think it has to do with in here.” I tap the side of my temple. “You just need to be in the right headspace and make it happen.”

“I’ve been trying for a long time you know, even when I was in Ohio. I made some friends, had a good job. I thought I was happy. But in the quiet times like this, I wasn’t. It didn’t matter how hard I wanted to be happy or tried to make it happen, I couldn’t.” I know life hasn’t been good for Mackenzie in a long time. First living with Chad, then escaping him, but I didn’t realize how low she has been feeling.

“Maybe because there wasn’t where you needed to be, Kenz.” I reach my hand across the table and place it over hers. She doesn’t pull back like I expect her to and I celebrate briefly at the win.

“You think this is where I need to be? Here. Hiding from the world.” She shakes her head, not accepting this as her fate.

“You’re not hiding, darlin’. You’re surviving.”

“Hiding under the protection of the club isn’t surviving.” She pulls her hand back, breaking our connection.

“I don’t know what you need for me to say here, Kenz. I thought this is what you wanted? Why you came back. You just want to leave now?” I want to give her a decent shake. Make her see she’s not thinking right.

“I do. I want to be out on my own. I’m just so frustrated. I thought I could come back and have it all. I realize now it doesn’t work like that.”

“You can have it all.”

“Not here I can’t, Beau. I need more independence. I’m thirty-five years old. What am I doing with my life?”

The room falls quiet between us, our dinner growing cold in the unease of the conversation.

“You want out, then move into my place.” The words leave my mouth before my brain can think it through.

“What?” Her brows furrow in confusion.

“You want out of here, I want to keep you safe. Move in with me.” Again with my mouth blurting before I can think. Fuck.

“Beau—”

“Mackenzie, I promised you the night I saved you I would protect you.”

“And you did.”

“And I will continue to, darlin’. I can’t stop you from leaving, but I can offer you a place where I can protect you.” I can’t let her move out on her own, not when I know Chad is just waiting for the perfect time.

“Beau, you’re not always going to be able to protect me.”

“I will if you let me.” She draws in a deep breath, her hands going to her temples.

“We’ll drive each other mad. Have you ever lived with a woman before?” I can tell she’s clutching at straws; this back and forth is almost funny. But I’m going to keep coming back at her.

“I have a big place, and we’ve practically lived together here since you’ve been back.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She’s fighting it, but the more I let the idea grow, I think it’s the best idea I’ve had.

“You stay with me, or you stay here. I’m not budging on this.” I need to be able to keep her safe, and I can’t keep her safe when she isn’t close.

“Do you really think this is the best idea?” She folds her arms in front of her, and from what I’ve come to learn about Mackenzie, this move means she’s ready to argue with me.

“No parties, no women. You have your own space and I’ll still be looking out for you.” I hit her with all the pros. She doesn’t reply straightaway and I can see her resolve start to slip.

“What’s happening here? Between us, Beau?” I don’t know what to take from her question, so I answer it like I would if Nix had asked.

“You know what’s happening here, darlin’. I’m just doing what I promised,” I lie, not sure what I really need or want from her. She is nothing like I’ve ever wanted before. Part of me knows offering her this is too fucking dangerous, but the other part of me—the part that connects my dick to my heart—thinks it’s the best idea ever.

“So we’re just friends?”

“You want to be friends with me?” I tease, not impressed with labeling us as friends. Do friends want to fuck each other’s brains out? I don’t think so.

“Quit playing. I’m serious, Beau. Living together, it’s not something I thought about, so you can’t just come in here and demand I live with you. I need to know how this works.”

“Nothing changes. You stay at my place until Chad is found.”

“Until it’s safe.”

“It’s only going to be safe when he’s found, darlin’.” She diverts her gaze like she wants to argue, but she doesn’t.

At this moment I’m torn. As much as I want the fucker found, I’m not sure I’m ready for Mackenzie to stop needing me.

“And I’ll be free to come and go as I please?” she presses for more leeway, darkening my mood.

“You let me know where you’re going so I don’t worry.” I’m not okay with these stipulations, but if it means I have her in my home, why the fuck argue? She won’t know I’ll have a tail on her at all times.

She thinks about it for a few moments before she holds her hand out for me to shake. “Deal.” I raise a brow at her, but she doesn’t drop it. “Shake on it, Beau.” I give in and place my hand against hers. Her touch is soft, but firm and my mind moves straight to how it would feel wrapped around my cock.

Shit, down, boy.

“Thank fuck we’re done with arguing. Now, can we eat?” I release her hand and pick up my fork.

“Yep, dig in.” She picks up her own fork and places a small mouthful of pasta in her mouth then follows it with a soft moan and all I can do is watch.

Jesus, I’m a fucking idiot.

This woman will be in my home. How the fuck will I control myself then?

“Okay, I’m heading to bed.” Mackenzie breaks the silence an hour later. After eating dinner and our normal light conversation, I managed to convince her to leave me to wash up. As with everything else, she put up a fight, but eventually gave in and ended up sitting on the counter telling me about her day working for Nix, and about a girls’ night Kelly and Holly invited her to next week.

Like I’d be okay with her going out for a girls’ night right now when she’s meant to be laying low.

I kept her talking and we moved it out to the back deck to have a few beers.

“Yeah, I should too.” I stand from the chair and start picking up the empty beer bottles. She walks inside while I check everything over one more time. Security fencing surrounds the club, but having Mackenzie here has opened us up for an attack. By who, we don’t know, but I wouldn’t put it past Chad to put a hit out on us.

“Thanks for dinner, Kenz,” I say when we move to our rooms.

“You’re welcome.” She slows then comes to a stop just outside my room. “It’s the least I could do after everything you’ve done for me.” She goes up on her toes and presses her lips to my cheek. Before I can stop myself, my hand moves to her lower back, holding her close to me. I wait a minute, expecting her to freeze under my touch.

“Beau.” Her breath is warm, and I anticipate more of an argument, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she presses in closer.

Using my free hand, I place my finger under her chin and tilt her head back. Her tongue runs along her bottom lip and it all but invites me to join it.

“Darlin’,” I warn. I’m not sure if it’s a warning to her, or to me. I can see how much she wants this. Can see the fire in her eyes matches my own need. I know one taste of her won’t be enough, but it’s like my body isn’t listening to my brain.

“Please, just kiss me, Beau,” she pleads, shutting down my reservations. It’s all the encouragement I need. She parts her lips as I lean in closer, and when my tongue seeks its entry, I own her mouth.

I don’t move slowly. My tongue fights with hers, desperate for a connection. Her taste is fucking addictive—vanilla, strawberry and I don’t fucking know what—but I can’t get enough. Moving her tongue with mine, my hand on her back pulls her closer. I’m hanging on by a thread here, but does it stop me? Fuck no.

The kiss grows wild, her soft moans stirring my dick to life. The poor bastard has only been seeing my palm since the night she moved in. If I’m not careful, he might blow just from hearing her needy groans.

Taking two steps forward, I reach down and twist the handle. Using my boot, I kick the door open and drag us over to my bed.

She comes willingly, her mouth and hands just as desperate as mine, but as soon as I push her back to my bed, she freezes.

“Oh, God,” she blurts, coming up from my bed and finding her feet.

Shit.

“I’m so sorry.” She starts to walk past me to leave, but my hand reaches out, stopping her escape.

“Mackenzie.” My voice is a lot calmer than the frustration building in me, but she still flinches under it.

“That was a mistake. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” She pulls out of my hold, and as soon as she was there, she’s gone, blowing all chances of taking this any further out the window.

Fucking awesome.