Текст книги "Sunburst"

Автор книги: Rachel Higginson

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

Chapter Fifteen

“Sorry, the light switch doesn’t work at the top of the stairs,” Tristan apologized and then clutched my hand tighter.

I clasped his hand to my stomach and stayed as close to him as I could get, given that he was walking down the wide, long staircase ahead of me.

“You’re doing this on purpose,” I accused while squeezing all the blood from his hand.

“Doing what on purpose?” His voice was so sarcastic I could have punched him. “Using your irrational fear of basements to get your hands all over my body?”

I laughed despite myself, “Yes, that.”

On the bottom step Tristan turned around to stop me. He let go of my hand to grip my waist and groped blindly for the light switch on the wall. I stood above him so I hovered over him just a little, and when I looked down at him, my ponytail flopped over and whipped him in the face.

“Sorry,” I snickered.

“You sound very sorry,” he countered. His voice was low and thoughtful. We were half hidden from each other because of the darkness and I kind of liked it that way. Putting aside my freakish fear of basements, this moment felt like the first real moment we had shared in a long time.

I could admit now that something was growing between us. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe I wanted to be able to give myself completely to Seth and not have to worry about being in love with two people. Or maybe I was fighting what was between Seth and me for a reason.

Except these days my struggle to hold back my love from Seth was a losing battle. It just took him leaving for me to realize that.

Which I think made me a terrible person.

Tristan finally found the light switch and flicked it on. We were suddenly bathed in light from naked bulbs that hung down in strategic places all over the exposed basement. The basement was a disaster. The floor was ripped up leaving the cold concrete exposed; some of the old walls had been ripped down, leaving big gaps in the layout. There were different kinds of wood stacked against one of the walls, and a new sliding glass door set still wrapped along another.

“You guys are redoing your basement?” I concluded. “Very cool.”

“Yes, it’s amazing.” Tristan didn’t sound impressed. “I don’t think my mom really intended for me to show you the new tile we’re laying this weekend.”

“You only think that because you don’t know how much tile turns me on.” I was shamelessly flirting with him; but this felt so close to our normal that I wanted to grab hold of it and never let go.

Tristan cleared his throat nervously, grabbed both of my hands and led me off the staircase. He walked backwards through a path cleared for the workmen, whom I assumed was actually Tristan, his brothers and dad, and to a corner of the basement not yet touched. The remaining room, with its drywall still intact and door still on functioning hinges housed all the furniture that had been down here prior to the remodel. A huge pool table sat in the middle of the space, with an assortment of couches and recliners closely surrounding it.

The Shield’s had more La-Z-y Boys than any family I’d ever heard of. With five boys and one dad, they seemed to be always in need of a functioning recliner.

It was a phenomenon I failed to grasp, but I didn’t know if it was because I wasn’t human or because I was female.

Tristan flipped another light switch and led me to a comfortable red couch we used to watch movies on, when the TV wasn’t shoved into a corner and actually hooked up to electrical outlets.

We sat down with several inches separating us and then turned toward each other. We both brought a knee up so now they grazed against each other. Tristan jerked at the contact like I surprised him, he stared down at my bare knee like it had the answers to his unasked questions.

I looked down at my legs, too; I looked so silly. I was fresh from soccer practice, so my running shorts and homecoming t-shirt from last year, that was one size too small but seemed to fit Ok, with a sports’ bra on was not doing me any favors. My head was dried sweat, still half wet and the other half was stiff grossness until the ponytail at which point it stopped being damp and just turned angry. And my shins and feet still showed the indents of my shin guards and knee high socks.

Plus, I could not be smelling all that great right now.

“Your mom is so trusting.” I shook my head and smiled at Tristan. “Isn’t she worried about a teen pregnancy?”

“I think she secretly wants one.” Tristan’s eyes grew a bit wide and unfocused. “She’s been hinting to my dad that she wants another baby and he’s been hinting back that he’s never giving her another child again. And then Trader brought home a girl last weekend and she basically offered to get us all out of the house so they could be alone. It’s embarrassing. She just wants a baby in this house. I think she’s willing to do anything to get it.”

“Your family is so crazy,” I laughed at him. “But I love it here. My house is always so quiet and boring.”

“Your house is boring?” he rolled his eyes. “Seems like plenty goes on there that is definitely not boring.”

“Sure, but you know, after the saving the world stuff, it’s just…. silent.”

“I could use some silence,” Tristan sighed. He laid his head on the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling.

So I let him have it. We sat there, lost in our own thoughts for several minutes. That was what I loved about Tristan– we could just exist around each other and it was the most peaceful experience.

Finally he let his head fall to the side so he could look at me. I met his emerald gaze and waited for him to say whatever was on his mind.

After a few more moments of internal deliberation he said, “It was stupid of me to ask you out. I should know better.”

“What does that mean?” I tried not to be offended by his words. I could tell by his tone he wasn’t trying to pick a fight with me.

“I mean I should have known that was asking you too much. I know I don’t act like it but I do get this whole thing with Seth. I get that you can’t pick me or I don’t know what. I just know that I’m not an option. But Stella, my feelings for you haven’t stopped.” He laughed a little self-deprecatingly at himself and then said, “Actually I think they get stronger every day I’m with you.”

“You’ve been a little distant lately, I didn’t know what to think.” I stared down at my hands and tried not to smile too big while a warm deliciousness spread through my body, unfurling inside me with each one of his words.

“That thing with Seth, I was pretty ashamed of my behavior. And not just because of what happened with him but how I was with you before that. I didn’t mean to come of like such a dick, I just…. It’s like every day you’re with him I lose you more and more. I’m terrified of that and of the day you’re finally all his. It feels like I have to hold onto you as tightly as I can now, so that when the day comes and you’re his, I at least have these memories.” He took my hands in his and pulled them on his lap. I scooted closer to him so that my legs pressed against his. I knew exactly what he meant. I lifted my gaze to meet his and he continued, “I pulled away hoping that I could save some of myself, you know? Hoping there would be some of myself left when you finally leave me.”

“This is self-preservation?” I asked with a small smile.

“I watched it happen,” he sighed.

“Watched what happen?”

“I watched you fall in love with him,” Tristan whispered. His green eyes were dull with sadness and his lips pressed into a frustrated frown. “It was one thing to compete with your destiny when you didn’t have feelings for him. But, now, I don’t know, I guess I’m not sure where we stand. Where…. I stand.”

I wanted to reassure him that his fears and concerns weren’t true. Especially now that Seth was gone. But what could I say? He was right.

“So we’re just…. over?” I finally found the courage to whisper.

He smiled sadly at me. “I wish it were that simple.”

I pressed my lips together and held my breath. I should take this opportunity and cut out any hope that Tristan would have for us. If anything my future love life was bleak and at best it was obnoxiously complicated. I didn’t want to give Tristan hope where there wasn’t any. I didn’t even have a sliver of faith for Seth, how could I possibly have any expectations for Tristan?

“I can’t…. I’m not strong enough to walk away from you.” He confessed this like he was ashamed of himself and I felt my chest cavity crack open. This was unfair to him.

I flopped my body over and laid my head against him. “I’m sorry.” And I truly meant that.

He wrapped his arm around my waist and held me against him. “I’ve been trying to hold back. I wanted to give you some space. I know this has been…. difficult for you and then with Seth leaving. I wasn’t even sure if you realized you were in love with him yet. I don’t want to pressure you into anything.”

“Thank you,” I murmured because it was the only thing I could think to say. “I don’t feel pressured. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I do have to worry about that,” Tristan mumbled. “Especially now that the other guy is temporarily out of the picture.”

“Do you really think it’s only temporary? I feel like he’s gone forever.”

“But that’s only because you don’t understand what he has to come back to.” His words were so serious and flattering that I couldn’t breathe.

It was wrong of me to ask Tristan to comfort me about Seth walking away. I knew that. And he knew that.

But I couldn’t stop his words from sparking hope in my soul. Which meant what? That what I was doing with Tristan was wrong. But how did I stop? How did I walk away from Seth when that meant death for him? But how did I hang onto Tristan when we had no future?

“This is complicated,” I groaned.

“Mmm-hmmm,” he agreed. His nose skimmed the back of my head and nuzzled a little against my neck. “But it has its good moments.”

I smiled, “Sometimes it has great moments.”

“So you’re Ok with me still being in love with you?”

I whirled around and caught his impish grin. “You’re not supposed to say that.”

I slapped his chest to make sure he knew I meant business, but he grabbed my wrist and tugged me across his lap. I was now straddling him on my knees.

“I’m not supposed to say that,” he agreed, with his voice all low and teasing. “I apologize.”

My breath hitched when his fingers trailed up my sides with the lightest touches. I shook my head at him and tried to act cool. Even though I wasn’t. Even though I was boiling inside and my skin had started to glow.

“I smell awful.”

“Yep.”

“And I look all sweaty and dirty.”

“Definitely.”

His hands grabbed firmly to my waist and he tugged me forward so that my stomach pressed against his chest. His hands slid to my lower back and held me in place. I slid my hands over his shortly buzzed hair, loving the feel of it under my fingers.

“This does it for you?” I giggled.

“It’s you, Stella. It doesn’t matter if you’re fresh from practice, or spent hours getting ready. It doesn’t matter how I get you, you are always beautiful to me. You will always be beautiful to me.”

I blushed at his compliment which really meant I started glowing brighter. My skin became feverishly hot and I breathed through my nose to calm down so I wouldn’t burn him.

“And it’s even better when you do this.” He ran a hand up my shimmering forearm.

“You know I love you too,” I whispered, feeling swept away with this moment.

“I know you do.” He bent forward and placed a kiss on my collarbone. I shivered at the contact. “But don’t promise me anything.”

His words cut at my elated mood. I knew what he was saying. I didn’t blame him. I didn’t have any promises to give him. I was too confused.

Tristan looked up at me with his hopeful green eyes and held my gaze. His hand was running back and forth across my heated forearm and eventually he reached for my wrist and brought it to his lips to press just the sweetest kiss to the inside. “I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, Stella, but I was wondering if you would go to prom with me.”

I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. My mood was restored and my heart soared at his question. This was the first time Tristan had ever asked me to a dance before. We had always been so firmly platonic. And I had thought I was Ok with that– that I was Ok with him taking countless random dates instead of me.

But this moment proved how long I had been waiting for him to ask me. I had been secretly hoping to be his date since junior high. And he hadn’t just asked me to any dance.

He asked me to prom!

Ah!

“Yes,” I beamed at him. “Yes, I’ll go to prom with you.”

He grinned up at me with bright eyes. “Good.”

“Good,” I echoed.

And then I squealed when he suddenly bounced me off his lap and onto the couch. I landed on my back with him looming over me. He was standing. Apparently our romantic moment was over.

“What-“

“You should probably go,” Tristan smiled down at me with soft eyes but he was serious.

“I thought we were having a moment!” I complained.

“We were,” he agreed. I slowly sat up and glared at him. “And now I want to ravish you, so it’s time to go. You agreed to go to prom with me and I’m not going to mess that up by acting like a horny twelve year old.”

“But you are a horny twelve year old,” I pointed out while I was secretly excited by his words.

He just grinned at me and waited for me to join him at the door.

“I’ve never seen you this excited about a dance before.”

“Because I’ve never gotten to go to a dance with the girl I wanted before.”

“That’s your own fault,” I grumbled.

“Be that as it may, Stella Day, I am fixing that now.”

I was melting with every one of his sweet sentiments. I stopped suddenly as I was passing him in the doorway and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. I caught him off guard, but he recovered when I turned around, and he smacked me on the butt.

“Gosh, you’re such a brat,” I hissed.

“But you still love me.” He was so smug.

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”

“Oh, but I am. You told me. I heard you.” He was messing around, but he was adorable. And he was right. I did love him.

I said goodbye to Tristan and his family and drove home. We lived only fifteen minutes from each other and with the days getting longer and the nice weather, it was an enjoyably drive home. I was floating after an evening with Tristan’s family and him. I was so worried about where we were going and what was happening to our relationship. And it was made worse because I felt like I couldn’t fight for us– like I didn’t have that right. I was supposed to be with somebody else, and if Tristan was done with me then it was my obligation to him to let him go. But I didn’t want him to. Even with Seth and how crazy our relationship had become, I wasn’t ready to give up Tristan yet.

I skipped my homework, said goodnight to my parents and went upstairs to shower. My bathroom was just outside my room in the hall; it was the only one upstairs apart from my parent’s master bathroom. But the only person I ever had to share my bathroom with was Annabelle when she stayed with me.

It was usually a mess.

I showered off the sweat and grime from practice, and did the obligatory shaving thing. When I was on Earth my body acted just like any other human, and hair growth was a part of that. If I would have lived my life as the Star like the rest of my race, I wouldn’t ever have to shave, or eat or worry about muscle tone.

But that wasn’t my life. That would never be my life.

I brushed out my long blonde hair that seemed so much darker when it was wet. I proceeded to brush my teeth and floss. That was it, my entire bedtime routine.

I decided to braid my hair over my shoulder so it would be pretty-ish tomorrow instead of frizzy from sleeping on it while it was wet. That added an extra minute.

There was no other reason to put off going to bed other than I felt guilty for not doing my homework. I still wasn’t going to do it…. but it made going to bed feel abnormally early. It didn’t help that I had been out the last five nights in a row with Nate and Serena. My sleep schedule was all messed up.

I turned the light off in the bathroom and walked into my bedroom when I nearly came out of my skin. Seth was in my room.

Seth was on my bed.

He was sitting on the edge of it, with his hands on his knees, staring at the messy floor like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. His golden brown hair was disheveled and looked well pulled at. His skin was still tanned but lacked any sign of Light. And his jaw was rigid with tension.

He was beautiful, but broken.

He was like the statue of David, perfectly carved and chiseled, but lifeless.

My soul fell apart at the sight of him. Some trampled instinct whispered I should have a weapon nearby, but I ignored it. This was Seth. And he’d only been gone for three weeks.

I closed the door behind me and then leaned back against it. Slowly, and with great reluctance, he finally lifted his eyes to mine.

Our gazes crashed together and all of the air was stolen from my lungs. He was so fierce, purely warrior and raw with intensity.

I knew I should feel fear, that I should be terrified of this version of him. But I couldn’t find that emotion anywhere. All I felt was a love so strong, so severe, so consuming that it seemed to spark all over my body like a living, breathing part of me.

His eyes were the same honey-colored light they always had been, even if they were hard now, hard and distant.

He didn’t say a word, but slipped off his leather dress shoes and then scooted back on my bed. He laid down while I watched him, while he kept me locked in his devouring stare.

He was dressed up again– in brown trousers and another white oxford. And he was wearing dress socks. I loved his dress socks. But I hated that he was wearing this outfit. It was like the Fallen dress code and it wasn’t him.

I stayed by the door, too afraid of what he was asking of me.

His jaw clenched tighter and he patted the spot next to him impatiently. I let out a long sigh, but followed his silent command. I flipped the light switch and climbed into bed.

He was in his nice clothes and I was wearing my pajamas– sleep shorts and a cami– but I blushed from the feeling that we were naked next to each other.

We had slept together before, but every time had seemed innocent until now. There wasn’t anything different other than he’d lost his soul.

And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to tell him no, if he pushed me.

Mostly, because I didn’t know if I wanted to tell him no.

But in the end it didn’t matter because he didn’t even try to kiss me.

I had crawled onto the bed and laid on my back with inches between us. I felt his presence next to me as if he were shouting at me. Every inch of him, from where his head curled around on the pillow above mine to his toes that stretched beyond where mine reached. His body still radiated heat, even though it wasn’t his Light. And that seemed strange to me. He wasn’t a vacuum of cold, icy air.

“This isn’t going to do, Stella,” he whispered in a hoarse, gravelly voice that sent shivers skittering over my skin.

I held my breath as he pulled me into his body. I turned my back to him and he tucked me into him. His face nuzzled the back of my neck and I felt him breathe me in.

I still hadn’t breathed– I couldn’t. I was too afraid to ruin this, too afraid to bring reality crashing in around us. I felt his hot breath on my nape and I nestled into him further.

He wrapped both arms around me until we were comfortable and completely intertwined. His face stayed buried in my neck and he held me so impossibly tight that I had to urge him to give me a little bit of breathing room.

When we were finally settled, he let out a soul-deep sigh that brought tears to my eyes.

“Seth,” I whispered.

“I need you,” he answered as if I had asked a question. “Whatever is left of me, I need you Stella.”

I just closed my eyes as the tears flowed down my face and soaked my pillow. It seemed like only seconds passed by until his breathing evened out and became heavier. But even after he fell asleep he never loosened his hold on me. He held me pressed against his chest the entire night.

I lay awake for a long time. My mind was in complete turmoil, but my body was absolutely relaxed against his. A feeling had begun to unfurl inside of me– a purpose and thought. I hadn’t wanted to face it, so it was facing me instead. I had never seen my life, destiny or future any clearer than this moment.

I suppressed it as deliberately as I could, but it wouldn’t go away. It became this itching, crawling, living thing inside me. I fought with it until I couldn’t keep my eyes awake anymore. And finally when I finally fell asleep, I decided I would ignore it no matter what. At least for now. At least until I turned eighteen and Seth could have a fighting chance of coming back to me.