Текст книги "Sunburst"
Автор книги: Rachel Higginson
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Текущая страница: 20 (всего у книги 22 страниц)
There were only six of us, against more than twenty Fallen.
But we fought on.
The woman in front of me eventually weakened. I understood how there was this loyalty to Aliah, that there was this issue with killing me, but I would have fought harder for my life. I was fighting harder to live.
So when my swords crossed her throat and slid all the way through, I realized I was just as surprised as she was. My killing experience was limited. I wasn’t used to taking lives other than Shadows.
My stomach lurched at the gory sight as blood spurted from her neck and her headless body fell to the ground.
Oh, God.
I had always known that this was part of my life, that at some point I would have to kill and kill often; not just the demonic Shadows that seemed more animal than eternal being, but living, breathing, Angels. Someone like me. Someone who had the potential for good, for Light, but gave it away to chase a greedy, selfish future.
My hands shook, barely able to hold onto my two swords. My stomach clenched against the roiling nausea and my mind spun with the consequences of taking a life. I was forever a changed person. Forever a true Warrior now.
Forever I would have her blood on my hands.
And it wasn’t a bad thing. I knew that. Somewhere in my spinning brain I knew that my parents had killed, that Nate and Serena killed daily. And they were still good and fighting for something worthy.
But it felt different when it was me. It felt cataclysmic and elementally changing. It felt…. wrong.
While I stood over the dead body– dead by my hands– a strong hand shoved into my back and I flew forward, sprawling into the blood and lifeless limbs of my victim. I spit out sticky, bloody sand and rolled over onto my back with swords raised defensively.
Seth loomed over me, apparently finally catching up. His face was contorted with hate and frustration, his swords gripped tightly at his sides.
“Get up,” he growled.
I didn’t immediately respond to his command. My body was sunk into black sand as the blood continued to run from the dead body next to me. I stupidly tried to imagine what she looked like, but I couldn’t picture her face. I had been so intent on the kill that I hadn’t processed anything leading up to it.
It seemed silly now, to dwell on the appearance of my victim. But I couldn’t help it. I needed time to process this, and instead I was fighting for my own life, fighting to reign in my sanity so that I could face Seth and the unique danger he brought.
I couldn’t do that again– I couldn’t just lose myself to the fight again. Because while killing someone nameless, but evil, was traumatizing, taking Seth’s life would destroy me. But unlike the dead woman next to me I wasn’t going to give a half-hearted attempt at protecting myself either. I wasn’t afraid to hurt Seth. I just couldn’t deal the death blow across his neck.
Everything else was fair game.
“Get up, Stella,” Seth commanded and my name sounded like a curse word on his beautiful lips.
I scooted back before jumping to my feet. My t-shirt was saturated with blood and sand; my
shoes were filled with the same gritty wetness. I brushed at bloody sand that stuck to my face with the back of my hand and met Seth’s murderous glare with one of my own.
“Is now the time that I remind you that you made this deal?” I taunted. Bodies moved around us, metal flaring in the early sun before finding something to clash with. Smoke billowed around us, but I was sure it was Shadows either creating an illusion or dying. “You made this bed and all that.”
Seth took an aggressive step forward, one sword raised and pointed at my throat. “And for the life of me, I just cannot figure out why.”
Mimicking him, I took a cautious step back. “I think it had something to do with love.”
“Foolishly,” he bit out. “Giving up my life, my freedom, my soul for a spoiled brat that didn’t even feel anything back. How stupid.”
“I never said I didn’t feel anything back,” I ground out defensively.
Bitter laughter fell from his mouth like insults, “Yeah, you felt a little something for me, and a little something for a human not even worthy to walk on the same ground as me. And who else? Huh? How many others got to feel your little something, too?”
White and blinding, pain flashed through me. This was not him. This was not Seth. I pushed my self-doubt and raw sensitivity down, deep, deep down and pretended I had as much attitude as he did. “Now you’re just being petty. I had no idea you were so insecure.” He growled out an animalistic sound and I knew I hit a nerve, but something dark and punishing pushed me further. “Had I known you were lying to me all this time, I would have just lied back. I could have easily saved your poor ego, if I knew that was the game we were playing.”
“I never lied to you,” he shouted. “I was nothing but honest– too honest. I laid my soul bare for you, and you spit on it! You were created for me, not even given a choice to love someone else and you still couldn’t admit that you had a future with me! And now everything has been taken away from me and still I ache for you. It’s the cruelest kind of purgatory.” His last words were grated out in a harsh whisper and the throbbing in my chest intensified to beyond what I could handle.
“So that’s it? Kill me? Remove the problem? And then what?” I challenged. We had walked beyond the main battle, off to the side of the crowd, to our very own stretch of perfect beach. “You’ll have peace? You sold your soul to the most sadistic creature in the universe! There is no peace for you. Kill me if you have to, but you suffer forever at your own hands. I had nothing to do with this decision.”
“You had everything to do with this decision!” He was screaming now in a raging voice that echoed over every other sound. Spittle flew from his lips, his face was suffused with bright red blood.
And then he attacked. His swords swung with superhuman speed and I only caught them with my own by sheer luck. I had been determined to not just defend myself but fight back too.
In reality, under the power and skill of Seth’s swords, there was no chance that I could actually fight back against this guy. He was insane with speed, strength and ability.
And I was just me.
Inadequate, lacking and half his size.
But I still kept my arms moving, my wrists loose and my focus intently on his body. I met him blow for blow. Sweat poured from my forehead, my Light was intensifying with each second and the sand underfoot became so hot it started to melt the rubber soles of my shoes.
Seth swung one blade toward my side, while the other raised above my head and sliced from the opposite direction. Just managing to move fast enough, I twirled out of the way, spinning backward and letting my blades fly with the momentum.
As soon as I landed, Seth was there, dealing more punishing blows that jarred my bones and vibrated through my body. One of his blades caught my bicep and sliced it open before I could pull back. Another got my thigh, cutting through the loose material of my yoga pants with ease.
I vaguely noted I was going to have to switch over to leather like my mom and Serena. Suddenly I understood the benefit of looking like Cat Woman.
When he nicked my neck with the tip of his sword and I felt blood drip over my collarbone, I had about had it.
“Enough!” I screamed. “Are you really going to kill me?” I was just as angry as he could ever be and even while I threw my swords up to block his next blow, I waited for an answer.
“I have to,” he spat out in a voice so low and growly, I could barely make it out. “I have to end this.”
“End what?” I gasped, struggling under his brute strength.
“The constant pain,” he whispered as if the words actually hurt him. He pressed forward and I collapsed under his power. He was down on top of me in another moment, before I had the chance to move, to roll, to do anything but surrender to his ruthless attack.
He straddled my waist, pinning my arms beneath his heavy knees. I kept my swords tight in my hands, but they were useless since I couldn’t lift my arms. His face hovered above mine, almost completely indistinguishable from hate. He growled again, words this time, but I couldn’t understand him. His curved sword pressed against my throat. I felt the hot blade cut at my skin, holding me on the precipice between this moment that I was alive, and the next when I would be without a head.
Our blades were cut and sharpened so that cutting through bone and flesh was as easy as slicing soft butter. If I even breathed heavily his sword would sink deeper into my skin.
I didn’t expect him to, but he was hesitating. It probably shouldn’t have, but his pause gave me hope. In the depth of eyes so crazed and confused, I could have sworn I saw some kind of recognition.
“Seth,” I whispered, losing the tough-girl act and reaching desperately for the love that still infused every molecule in my body. “I love you.”
He winced and closed his eyes as if in real pain. His sword never left my throat but I felt his resolve stutter.
“I do love you,” I promised. “Only you.”
“You don’t love me,” he grated. “You would never tell me that now, if you did. You would know better.”
“I told you before, in the forest. Remember?” His eyebrows fused together and he just looked at me. I shook my head, and the sword bit into my neck deeper. “And I have to tell you now. If this is my last chance, I have to tell you.”
Confusion laced with guilt flashed in his expression. Even like this, even distorted by the torturous existence he was suffering and raging with a hate he didn’t understand, he was beautiful. Perfect. Lost. I ached for him in ways that had nothing to do with fear or resentment. My entire body cried out to him, pleaded with him to stop this. And surprisingly my desperate need for him not to kill me had nothing to do with my life, or my desire to stay alive. But everything to do with Seth and his soul that still hung in the balance.
Killing me would destroy him. One day he would have the opportunity to get his soul back, to come back to himself. He couldn’t do that if he blackened and demolished it in the meantime. I had to live so that he could. I had to survive so he could.
He would never forgive himself for this.
He would never recover.
“And Tristan?” he flinched. “I saw you with him. I saw you tonight.”
In Tristan’s truck? Could he have really seen that?
Tears leaked from my eyes now, steady streams of emotion I couldn’t control. “That was goodbye,” I swore. “I was saying goodbye to Tristan.”
He cocked his head back and pushed the blade deeper into my skin. I choked on it, tasting the metal of blood in my mouth as it coated my tongue. “You’re lying. You’re always lying!” He was shouting again and applying crushing, life-taking pressure on his blade.
I mouthed no, but he was back to being evil again– back to crazy. I closed my eyes against that deranged image of him. If this was my last moment of life I didn’t want to remember him this way. I wanted to picture him as the beautiful boy I knew and loved; the one filled with Light. I remembered his easy going attitude; the strength and power that rippled through him even while he was still. I wanted to remember the mischievous boy that stole my chocolate chip pancakes; the boy that danced gently with me at the Valentine’s dance while my body was still recovering from my first real battle with the Fallen; the boy that curled up with me when his nightmares became too much; the boy that stole my heart and demanded I fall in love with him, not because it was our destiny but because he was the perfect answer to me– my perfect Counterpart.
I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him one more time, but blood ran out of my mouth instead and I was suddenly without the ability to move my mouth. This was it.
Something wet hit my cheek and rolled into my ear. Some distant thought wondered if it was a tear– his tear– but then he was gone and my world was thrust into confusion.
Chapter Twenty-Six
My head fell to the side, while my body frantically tried to heal the damage inflicted on my throat. I was losing a lot of blood and I couldn’t seem to move my arms or legs. My hands had stopped gripping my swords, so they lay idly in my open palms.
And all the while I watched people I cared about fight. My dad was the one that knocked Seth from me. He had flown in, using his strength and power to shove Seth into a skidding path that sent sand flying everywhere. Behind them everyone continued to fight, to kill, to survive.
Bodies lay scattered and lifeless and I couldn’t tell if they were all my enemies or if my friends had fallen too. My dad raised his thick broadswords and brought them swiftly down on Seth.
I had no doubt he intended to kill Seth. There was no hesitation in his swing or his stance.
Seth just barely threw his own cutlasses up to protect himself. The metal clanged together louder than anything yet. Flipping up to his feet, he met my dad hit for hit. They were both fierce, incredible Warriors, their skill unmatched by anyone else I had ever seen.
My dad would get a blow in, finding soft flesh or firm muscle, just in time for Seth to return the hit. They circled and lunged and attacked with a savage grace that flooded me with fear.
Slowly my body started to mend, pull itself back together and heal. Slowly I regained feeling in my fingers and toes. My wound wasn’t as deep as it could have been, nor my pain so significant. But still I felt paralyzed by the scene in front of me. One of those men was going to die– either my dad or my soul mate.
There were no words to describe the emotions that rushed through me, no accurate way to identify the pain, terror and heartache that pressed down against me.
A shadow fell across my face and I looked up into Seven’s amused expression. She was grinning, completely happy to be part of this mayhem.
“Would you like to make a bet?” she laughed lightly. “Seth against your father?”
“No,” I grated, my voice as rough as gravel.
Her eyes twinkled when she crouched down next to me. “Pity I can’t help my brother and end you for him.” Her dagger twirled in her hands. She had all of my attention now. “It would be so easy.” She pressed the blade to my still healing wound. “It would make my brother so happy.”
“Do it,” I challenged. “Kill me.” And then Seth would kill Aliah– his soul would be returned to him, his sanity replaced.
“Do you really hate my brother so much,” she hissed. Her expression flashed from disturbingly childlike to feral in less than a second. “You would take me away from him? You would take Aliah away from him. Selfish cow.”
“You forgot me. I would take me away from him and isn’t that what would really hurt him?” I gloated, even while every word seared in my raw throat.
Disgust morphed her delicate face into something truly disturbing. “You are but an afterthought. He left you.”
“To save me,” I whispered. “How hard did he fight to save you?”
She spit in my face before I saw it coming. “I don’t need to be saved.” She stood up and glanced at the battle raging beyond us. “Unlike you.” With one last dismissing glance at me she mumbled, “Unlike your father.”
I grasped the swords in my finally working palms and struggled to standing. I swayed on my feet from the loss of blood, but managed to stay upright. We healed extremely fast, but it wasn’t instantaneous– our bodies still went through a process. And while the skin at my throat was closed and I was no longer bleeding, I was by no means one hundred percent.
“Maybe I was wrong,” I ground out, gasping for breath. Seven didn’t even turn around, she just kept trudging through the bloody sand. “Maybe you do need saving.”
And then I swung my sword at Seven, slicing a straight, bloody path down her back. She shrieked at the contact and writhed with back bowed as I cut the length of her from shoulder to opposite waist. Her blood-curdling scream resounded louder than any of the current fighting and for a moment it seemed that everything and everyone stopped.
I lunged forward and with my left hand I dropped my sword and grabbed her full head of golden brown hair. I ripped her back to me and had my sword at her exposed throat in a second.
“Stop fighting!” I shouted. “Or I will end her.”
She laughed a light, nervous sound and because I had my face pressed against hers I felt it vibrate against my skin. “Look who finally found a backbone,” she taunted.
I pushed the sharp blade of my sword through her soft skin and dared her to keep talking. My dad and Seth were locked two swords against two swords and were the closest to us. Seth broke apart first, giving up easily and stepping away from my dad. Aliah was there next, five feet away from us and dangerously angry.
“Let her go,” Aliah commanded in a deceptively controlled voice. And then he lost it a little bit, “Or I swear to you I will make Seth kill himself!”
“At this point, it’s either Seth or me, Aliah, so be my guest. You’d be solving a problem for me.” I feigned a lot of bravado, but inside I was shaking with nerves.
I looked around and counted my friends and family. My mom was bloody and heaving for breath, but alive and standing. A pile of bodies lay at her feet. Serena and Nate were back to back and much the same. Blood and gore covered them, either from their victims or their own wounds, which were many. My dad and Seth stood several feet apart, still gripping their swords defensively. And Jupiter stood not far off from them. He walked a few feet toward me, and consequently too close to where Seth and my dad were fighting. He was limping severely and his sword arm dangled at an odd angle from his shoulder.
“Stella,” Seth called from a few feet away. “I will never forgive you if you hurt my sister.”
Manipulative much? Yeesh.
“That’s alright,” I promised back. “I’m not sure I’m going to forgive you for trying to kill me!”
A huge grin broke out across his dirty face and a low chuckle rumbled in his chest. “We’re
playing a game, Stella. I try to kill you, you try to kill me. It’s how we show our love.” The word love sounded like the dirtiest word in the English language, but he didn’t give me time to dwell on that. “But my sister is going too far. You don’t touch my family.”
“Like you don’t touch mine? You were just fighting my dad, you idiot!” I shouted. This was taking too much time. The truth was, I wasn’t emotionally equipped to kill Seven right now. I had enough issues to deal with. And while I wanted this bitch dead and buried, I wanted those I loved safe first.
“My sister can’t protect herself!” Seth yelled back, his anger breaking free again.
“Stella, let go of Seven, before I come after you myself,” Aliah growled. He took a step forward and I made a point of meeting his cool green gaze and pushing my sword further against Seven’s throat. She cried out in a whimper of pain and dug her fingernails into my forearm. She wasn’t exactly gentle about it and soon blood dripped from her viscous nails. Still I held my position, ignoring the pain she was inflicting and the tremor in my soul.
“We’re leaving,” I declared.
“And how are you going to do that?” Aliah smiled confidently.
I narrowed my eyes on him, hating him all over again for what he was doing to Seth. “Do you remember the first time we met?” It was a rhetorical question and I didn’t wait for his answer. “I hope she can fly.”
I heard Aliah growl out a shout, but I was already taking off for the sky. I hovered for only a moment, a gruesome, horrifying moment. And it was a moment too long.
In a rage Seth whirled around and took his two swords, plunging them into Jupiter who had moved too close. One through his heart, the other into his side at a horizontal angle. Jupiter’s face crumpled in agony while Seth loomed over him, pushing his weapons in deeper. Seven’s delighted laugh was the only sound I heard before I lost hearing all together. My head swam, my ears rushed with panic and uncertainty. Seth turned around, as if sensing my indecision to stay or to go and met my eyes. He was not even a shadow of himself, but completely consumed by the Darkness.
I felt myself gasp at his change and then I was gone, into the sky and far away from the grief and disaster littering the beach below. I paid enough attention so that I could count the Lights that were following me– one, two, three……. Four. Jupiter could have been with them or just as easily still be bleeding out on the beach. He didn’t have a Light so it was impossible for me to tell. And I couldn’t dwell on that now, anyway.
A swarm of black smoke followed after them and I knew it was the Fallen following. I still held Seven clutched against my chest. Her nails were still digging into my skin, but if she was making noise I couldn’t hear her. I was too lost in the confusion of the moment.
Letting my sword slice across her throat, a severe wound, but not a fatal one, I released my hold and watched her fall, flailing and frantic, to the Indian Ocean below. This time I could hear her thickening, bloody scream as she struggled to take flight and hold her gaping wound at the same time.
I turned around, not caring what happened to that evil wench and took off at a slower pace. I saw one by one Nate, Serena, my mom and then my dad who was carrying an injured and barely alive Jupiter. We didn’t say anything to each other, each of us too weary to form words. But we flew with a renewed pace, anxious to leave this disaster behind us. There was an urgency to get home, to make sure Jupiter would survive the night, but there was also relief.
The Fallen had abandoned their pursuit of us. Aliah was no doubt tending to Seven and the battle that waged so hot and deadly before would be put off to another day. I was thankful for Aliah’s foolish, but sole focus on Seven, even on Seth. If it meant we could escape this time, then it was momentarily to our benefit. I breathed deeply for the first time, feeling the weight of the battle lift from my shoulders.
Until Seth came flying up behind me; he grabbed my arm and whirled me around midair. His swords were gone, still deep inside Jupiter’s limp body and as far as I could tell he was alone.
His haunted amber eyes met mine and he said, “You almost killed my sister.”
“I didn’t,” I defended. “I just wanted to leave.” We had to shout over the force of the wind this far up, but I still heard the depth of emotion in his words and hoped he heard mine. It was weird to see him this vulnerable and emotional just minutes after he tried to kill me. But I also knew that the monster that held a sword to my throat was not who he really was. This lost, broken man resembled Seth more than anything.
“Well, now you’re leaving!” he shouted. “Again. And back to Tristan like always.”
“I’m not going home to Tristan!” I was livid at his accusation. I had given this man my heart– this one, monster and all. And I loved him. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t go back to Tristan even if I wanted to. “I said goodbye to Tristan. It’s you. Even like this, it’s you!”
Something hot and needy flashed in his eyes and he lurched forward so that we were only inches apart. “I saw you kiss him.”
“You saw me say goodbye to him,” I shouted.
He grabbed my biceps in his two huge hands and held me painfully. His fingers bit into my biceps and he pulled me harshly against his chest. My mom and Serena immediately flanked me, a threatening, ever-constant presence. He glanced at them briefly before returning his savage gaze to mine.
“You’re mine,” he rumbled, low and threatening. “He’d better not touch you again.”
“He won’t,” I promised, but felt sick about it. It seemed so wrong to give him what he wanted after everything we just went through, but I couldn’t do anything but tell him the truth. Tristan and I were over. It was only Seth. It was probably only ever Seth.
“I’m going to try to kill you again,” he confessed in a ragged voice. “I swear to you, I will try to kill you.”
“I know.” And a tear slipped from the corner of my eye.
“Don’t let me.” And then he was gone.
My breath caught as I slipped in the air but I quickly righted myself. More tears poured from my eyes. I felt like collapsing to the ground, letting the impact take me, getting swallowed up by the vast ocean and giving up. But I couldn’t. And not just for me.
For Seth too.
I moved with my loved ones and we made our way back to America, then Nebraska and finally home. We were as slow as we could be on the way home– without burning Jupiter, without drawing attention to ourselves. Still, there was an earnestness to get Jupiter home and hopefully save him.
We landed on the gravel drive silently. It was just past midnight by now and the Stars above were bright and vast as they stretched out from one end of the horizon to the next. I paused and looked at them, silently hating them for the cold battle they fought from such a distance; for the help they could never offer me; for their far-removed existence that didn’t even touch the chaos I lived in.
We fought the same battle, but it felt infinitely different. We shared a common enemy, but I was not like them and they were not like me.
I couldn’t even grasp the concept of the bigger picture in my damaged state. Nothing, no conflict, no battle, no torment existed except Seth and his heavy presence in my world.
Even Aliah paled in comparison to the man I loved and the destruction of what should have been a perfect love. I hated that he was so far away from me, but at the same time I needed him to stay away.
I hated that I loved him while he was like this; at the same time I knew that my love was the only thing that would save him.
Clattering inside the house drew my attention and I followed the noise through the front door that was left ajar to watch my dad lay Jupiter down on our dining room table. Whatever had been on there had been swept to the floor and Serena was running into the other room, gathering items as my mom shouted instructions.
Nate and my dad immediately went to work pulling the swords from Jupiter’s body. He had long since passed out, so I prayed he didn’t feel the jerking and tugging as the men worked to remove the weapons. Crimson blood tinged with a bright, almost neon orange flowed from his body and my mom worked to mop it up with towels that Serena brought in.
I watched in horrified fascination as they worked on Jupiter’s body. His skin was sickly pale, but the blood was so bright, so hot. Where it dripped on the table it sizzled into beads. My mom’s hands weren’t bothered by the heat, but the towels were steaming.
If he were a Warrior, this wouldn’t be a fatal wound; he would already be healing. But he wasn’t a Warrior. He wasn’t even human. I realized he outlived most humans by hundreds and hundreds of years but I had no idea how resilient he was to this kind of blood loss.
Eventually Serena ran out of a job and walked over to me. Putting her arm around my shoulders she led me out to the front porch. Wordlessly she sat down on the porch steps and I followed simply for something to do.
For a long while we just stared up at the sky and watched the stars twinkle above us. Eventually she let out a long sigh and said, “I miss it up there.”
A humorless laugh escaped my lips and I heard myself say, “Oh, yeah?” Although I felt a serious detachment from my emotions right now. I probably should have been worried about how my body seemed to shut down and block the torrent of pain and heartache I should be going through. On the other hand, it actually felt kind of nice to be separated from what I knew to be an intense, soul-shattering heartache.
It felt like survival.
“It’s simpler up there,” she sighed. “Not as….. complex. Bad guys are bad guys, good guys are bright, fiery balls of Light. There’s no confusion in who to kill, who to save. Evil is always evil and goodness always, always looks exactly like it should.”
I stared at my ruined shoes and waited for her to get to the point.
Hopefully she had a point.
“I’m glad I’m not staying here,” she admitted and I didn’t know whether to laugh or stab her myself.
Instead the emotion I had been holding back broke free and the hot tears were falling from my eyes before I could get control again. Serena glanced down at me, seeming surprised by my show of emotion. A little awkwardly, she did put her arm back around my shoulder and held me close to her.
Laying her head on top of mine she said, “You were built for this world, Stella. You are equipped with the right emotions and defenses to deal with all of this. I wouldn’t have spared Seven’s life today. And I wouldn’t have spared Seth’s. You are for this world, for the people that live here. They couldn’t have chosen a better Star.”
“You say that, but if it were Nate-“
“If Nate were trying to kill me, if Nate were no longer in possession of his soul, I would not hesitate. It might kill me, but I would not hesitate.”
And there was such solid conviction in her voice that I was stunned to find I believed her.
“It’s nice to feel safe now, isn’t it?” she changed the subject before all of my thoughts and feelings had completely settled. “It’s nice what the people down here can do with a blessing. Now that is something I wish I could take with me. I would just bless the whole planet and then retire.”
I snorted a surprised laugh. “Retire?”
“Sure,” she laughed too. “Take Nate, tour the galaxy, all that good stuff.”
I shook my head and laughed some more. “You’re crazy.”
She was quiet for a moment and then said, “You know, you are too, a little bit.” She kissed the top of my head, squeezed me a little tighter and then said, “I’m proud to know you, to fight alongside you. You have a strength I didn’t know existed. And when the time is right, this planet will be thankful for the force you will become. The Darkness will cower at your name, Stella. And the Stars above will celebrate in the fortress of power you will be. I know this.”
She stood up, leaving me gaping at her words. She patted my head like a small child and then disappeared back into the house. I stayed on the porch, not able to face Jupiter inside on the table, not able to look at my parents who had come so close to death tonight but somehow survived, not able to deal with the rest of my life.
