Текст книги "Be My December"

Автор книги: Rachel Brookes

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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 26 страниц)

I woke for another day of hiding out in Ashlyn’s apartment, another day of allowing my thoughts to strangle me. I had barely said anything about what I was now referring to as the ‘incident.’ Ashlyn had tried; Josh constantly came to visit and my phone was relentlessly bombarded with messages from Ky but really who could I trust? My days were spent editing photos, watching daytime television, and conversing through email when I needed to discuss the project. I had one more shoot and then I was leaving.

I stumbled into the small guest bathroom in Ashlyn’s apartment and was slapped in the face by the distinct smell of Ky that lingered in the air. It was the same scent that had the ability to send me over the edge and into an unknown land of bliss within seconds. It had been three days since my past crashed head first into my present. Three days since I had run out of his apartment, since his lips had been on my body, and three days since I’d had any sleep. I was a narcissist—that was the only way to explain the thoughts zooming through my mind. I wanted his scent to attach itself to my needy body; I wanted to wash in his familiarity; I wanted him to imprint himself so deeply within me that I would never forget the little things. I missed him. I never wanted this vulnerability, or this need, and I never wanted these feelings. Confusion swept through me. I needed a distraction; I need to get him out of my head and fast.

I pulled my robe around my body and made my way through the apartment to find Ashlyn making a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen.

“When was Ky here?”

She looked up and greeted me with a wary smile. She was dressed and ready for work while I was getting ready for another day on the couch. “He came to use the shower this morning, his bathrooms are getting some work done to it.”

“Oh okay.” I nodded, a shiver running down my spine at the thought that Ky had been so close.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I know that you two are in some kind of crazy agreement but everyone can see that it is beyond that.” Ashlyn walked across the room and grabbed both my hands and pulled me toward the couch. “Please talk to me.”

I collapsed on the couch and pulled the comforter around my body. “I don’t know what is real with him. The past month has been incredible; I have experienced emotions and feelings I never could have imagined but how do I know that anything he has said was real or if he was just saying them to make himself feel better. It’s obvious that he has this guilt when it comes to me but he has no reason to feel guilty. He wasn’t the one who raped me. He wasn’t the one who ripped my innocence away from me.”

“I have known Ky a long time. He doesn’t do things he doesn’t mean. If he has said anything to you then he means everything. He doesn’t open up to people or allow himself to get close, and he doesn’t just bring a girl into his world. You need to talk to him.”

“When did you meet him?”

She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath.

“It was just after you left. I went back to school after Christmas break and that’s when I met Josh. In a drunken moment Josh and I hooked up and as I was leaving his apartment Ky walked out of his room. That was my introduction to Ky Crawford. I knew who he was from around campus and we got to chatting and he mentioned you and then I told him we shared a couple of classes.  He wanted to find out where you were and when you were coming back. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice. He was so panicked.”

“Why wouldn’t he have told me?”

“I can’t answer that. You have to ask him that.”

“Is he working today?”

“He is.” She swiveled on the couch and faced me. “What are you thinking?”

What was I thinking?

I missed him.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I wanted answers.

“I want to see him.”

An hour later the cab was pulling up in front of the building. The trip from the island was spent going over what I would say to him, how I would react, and what I would do. I had no answers, no plans, and absolutely no expectations. I pulled my trench coat tightly around my body as I stood on the sidewalk. I felt my nerves rushing in and the thought of leaving barreled in.

“Eden?”

I turned at the sound of my name. Josh stood near the entry and looked at me completely flustered. Obviously I wasn’t who he expected to see. I smiled and dropped my eyes.

“What are you doing here?” He pulled me into his body and his warmth soothed me. “Are you here to see Ky?”

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“I don’t know.”

“Come and have a coffee with me. I want to chat with you about something.”

A coffee couldn’t hurt, and maybe it would help me come up with some game plan for when I faced Ky. If anyone would know what was going on, it would be his brother. I nodded and followed him to the nearest Starbucks. After ordering we sat at a quiet table at the back of the coffee shop and a nervous silence fell over us.

“So how have you been?” He finally spoke.

“I’ve been okay.”

“Have you spoken to Ky?”

“No.”

“I don’t want to get involved in your business, because it’s not my place, but I’ve been carrying something around with me since this whole thing went down with hope that I would see you. Fuck, he is going to hate me for doing this, but I think you need to see this.”

He handed me a beaten up looking envelope. It was torn at the edges and had weathered over time. My name was written on the front in the familiar handwriting of Ky Crawford.

“What’s this?” I asked with wide eyes. My hands shook as I grabbed the envelope from the table.

“That right there is my brother’s inner thoughts to you. He has been sitting on that fucking letter for four years. I found him writing it, completely fucked up on whiskey the week after—” He didn’t have to say it, his eyes said it all. “He sent it, but it got returned. He became obsessed with finding out about you. He just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Josh, I had no clue.”

“Please go and talk to him. Let him at least explain. If you are going to run off back to the West Coast he will need closure.”

Closure. That was what I wanted all along. It was what I craved. Ky and I had a reason for this month, I just never knew. I felt stronger than I had in years, and it was thanks to him. I felt like I could once again be in this town and not feel weak and it was all thanks to him. He ignited hunger within me—desire, expectation, need—and it was all him.

I stood from the seat, holding onto the envelope with dear life. I would know Ky’s words, but I wanted him to read it. I pushed back from the table and Josh copied. We walked out of Starbucks and back toward the office. If I didn’t do go and see Ky now, I wasn’t sure if I would or not. We walked in silence. I was comforted with Josh by my side. God I hope he was still there. It was closing in on six pm. Winter night had fallen over New York City. We stood in the elevator, I paid close attention to the floors, and it felt like it took forever.

“He will be in his office. I’ll make sure you have no interruptions.”

I walked through the nearly abandoned office, a couple of enthusiastic staff still lingering at their desks. The door of Ky’s office was closed when I reached it and no sound seeped through. With a deep breath I knocked firmly and waited.

“Come in.”

His voice hit me square in the heart. Okay, I could do this. My shaking hand grabbed hold of the doorknob and twisted, the door opened, and I stepped in.

He sat at his desk, the skyline glistened behind him through the windows. He looked so young sitting there. When I didn’t say anything he finally looked up. Shock spread across his face as he took me in.

“Eden?” he asked in shock, clearly not believing I was standing in his office. I closed the door behind me and turned the latch. “What are you—” His eyes dropped to the envelope in my hand.

“I want you to read me this.” My voice shook with trepidation.  The color drained from his face as he took in my words.

“Eden, please don’t make me.” Ky begged in a voice that shattered like glass. He started to rise from his desk, his eyes locked to mine. I shook my head dismissively, and he immediately sat back down in defeat.   I tore my eyes away from his, dropping my gaze to the floor and inhaled deeply. My emotions bounced all over the place as I tried to comprehend everything around me. I had a man sitting completely defeated in front of me, I had a heart that had finally opened to the idea of love by the same man and a lie was now clouding my opportunity to begin again.  I finally found my confidence and lifted my head and looked at him. His gaze held strong though he looked completely shattered. I took him in as he was; strong, protective, passionate, and now drowning in reluctance.

I moved across the room until I stood beside the desk. My hands shook with nerves when I held the envelope out.

Ky’s eyes darted between me and the letter. “Do you really want me to do this?”

“I need you to do this Ky.”

“For you, I’d do anything,” he whispered, and with a nervous hand he took the envelope from me.

He slid his index finger along the seal, slowly opening it and bringing the folded piece of paper out. I held my breath. My anticipation ran rampant. I had absolutely no idea what to expect or what he would say. His eyes bounced from the piece of paper to me. I could see his hand shaking as he held the paper then he cleared his throat and began.

Dear Eden,

I don’t know what to say or how to even start this letter. I am so fucking sorry. I am beyond fucking sorry. I thought he was my best friend. I thought I could tell my best friend about the girl I had been admiring from afar. I thought it was simply a conversation between two guys in their dorm room. You were who I dreamt about, who I watched from afar. You made my ability to speak disappear, you made my confidence shatter and I never found the courage to approach you. This will be my biggest regret. You were the girl who was such a beauty but had no clue about how beautiful she was. It was a stupid drunken bet. I thought he came up with the bet to encourage me to finally make a move. Fuck, I am so sorry. I feel like this is all my fault. I feel like there should have been something I could have done to stop this.

I don’t even know if you will receive this letter.

I am so fucking sorry Eden.

I will never forgive myself for this, for as long as I am still breathing.

Thinking of you,

Ky Crawford.

He dropped his eyes, and the letter floated from his fingers and hit the desk. His voice was thick with emotion and hitched over his apology and his face was as pale as a ghost. I knew I was crying, I felt the torrent of tears flooding over my cheeks and the twist of my heart as I took in the words of his letter. The first sob escaped my body as soon as he said Dear Eden.

My shaking hands skimmed down the front of my coat, lingering over the brass buckles. The urge to comfort Ky engulfed me like a riptide. I needed to comfort him, and I needed him to comfort me. He had been sitting on this for four years, slowly killing himself with regret when there was nothing he needed to be sorry for; four long, devastating and horrendous years.

I crossed the room until I stood beside his desk. His eyes finally lifted to meet mine, and all I saw was regret and remorse staring back at me.  I stepped toward him and before I lost confidence I lifted my leg and straddled his lap.

“Eden, what are you doing?”

I lifted my arms and slid them around his neck. His hands fell to my hips and pulled me closer to his body. We locked gazes, a thousand unspoken words fired between us. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to him. I didn’t know what I could say to him, but I knew my actions would have to do. My fingertips ran through his thick hair and his face fell to the crook of my neck where his unsteady breathing hit my bare skin.

It didn’t take long until his soft lips caressed my neck, sucking, nipping, and licking my sensitive skin. He knew this area was my kryptonite. My head fell to the side, allowing him easier access. My body reacted immediately, and I shifted closer, grinding my heat into his growing erection. A moan fell from his lips, but he didn’t stop the assault on my neck. I needed to feel his skin. My fingers left the softness of his hair and fell to the crisp white shirt covering the body that I admired. I popped each button open, my fingertips sweeping across the muscles of his chest torturously slow.

“What are we doing?” He asked breathlessly.

“Please don’t stop me Ky, we need to do this.”

He didn’t say another word. His hands grasped onto the brass buttons of my coat and within seconds his gasp was heard through the office. His hungry eyes roamed over my black lingerie covered body.

“You left the house in just this?”

“Well I didn’t think your brother would stop me on my way here.”

“You are so damn beautiful.”

I felt my cheeks darken under his lustful gaze. The smallest of chuckle rose from his chest before I slammed my lips to his. This kiss was full of apology, need, desperation, and connection. My tongue grazed his bottom lip and instantly he opened and let me in. Our tongues swayed in perfect harmony together, combining as one, soothing the lies that had been said, the games that had been played.

I moaned against his lips as our hands attacked one another. I was desperate to feel connected to him; I needed to know that there was still something that would allow us to overcome this. I gripped onto his pants, undoing the button and fumbling for the zipper. My hand fisted around him tightly. I ran my hand up and down his length, feeling it hardening in my grip. I loved knowing I had the ability to do this to him. He drew in a strong hiss and his head fell to my shoulder. I kept working him, his breath trampled over my increasingly heated skin and as I increased my pace, I knew he was close.

His hand left my hip and slid down my thigh and I knew what was coming. I couldn’t help but let out a small cry. His finger ran along the lace of my panties, teasing and tormenting my throbbing clit. I wanted contact. I wanted to feel him. With one swift movement, my panties were pushed to the side, and he entered me. I moaned loudly, the echo filling the silence in the office. I stilled and adjusted. Finally our gaze met, and I could see hesitation looking back at me. Hesitation I didn’t want to see.

“I want this,” I admitted. “Please Ky.”

That was all it took. I saw the reluctance leave his eyes, and immediately it was replaced with determination. It was at the moment that I knew I was about to get all of Ky Crawford.

His mouth took mine with fierce determination. His tongue tasted every inch of my mouth. Owning me, taking me. His hands grabbed my hips and lifted me, silently begging me to take control and ride him. I didn’t know whether it was the fact that we were in his office, whether it was because he was taking me in front of a window that showed us off to the city of New York or that I hadn’t spoken to him in three days, but this, right here, was the most turned on I had ever been when it came to Ky Crawford. I rode him like my life depended on it, up and down, deeper and harder. My arms linked tightly around his body, my breasts bounced and collided with his naked chest. The friction of my nipples against the warmth of his skin caused my eyes to shut as my body tried to comprehend every emotion flooding my body.

The intensity, the raw emotion, the closure of a past I never wanted to revisit again hit me all at once. I pulled my mouth from his and buried my face in his neck and immediately I was overcome with his scent. The first tear escaped from my eyes, and I slammed them shut. I would not cry. I balanced precariously on the edge of ecstasy, lingering between reality and a dream-like state. God it felt out of this world. With a swift movement Ky pushed me back against the desk, my elbows resting on the mahogany top. The cool air hit my naked chest and a shiver ran down my spine. The shift in movement allowed him to thrust deeper, and I knew it would be any moment before I collapsed against his chest in a heap of fireworks and stars.

His lips fell to my exposed nipple, while his thumb made contact with my throbbing clit. That was all it took. My body switched on, my thighs tightened around his hips and my head fell back as an orgasm ripped through my body. I shuddered against him as pleasure rolled through me, roaring through every inch of my body. I fell against his chest and as the sheath of our sweat combined I felt his release fill me as a roar left his chest.

I stayed in his arms as our breathing calmed down. I didn’t move. He stayed locked deep within me and made no attempt to slide out. I stayed in his arms for what seemed like forever and what had just happened between us made me forget everything, and that was exactly how I wanted it.

 

“Will you come home with me?” I asked softly and her eyes finally found mine.

After I finally released her from my grasp, I gently cleaned up and then she stood and wrapped her body back in the coat she had worn to my office. I sat back in my chair and watched her so closely, trying to memorize everything about her as fear that this could be one of the last times I saw her flooded me. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake. I had so many things I needed to say to her. All I wanted was to implore her not to give up on me. Whether I deserved it or not was completely up to the shattered girl standing in my office.

I pushed back from my desk after doing up my pants and crossed the office until I stood behind her. Her eyes immediately flashed to mine in the reflection of the glass. My arms wrapped around her waist pulling her back to my chest and the moment she relaxed into me felt like a moment to cherish. I had nothing to lose so if she wouldn’t listen to my words, my actions would have to speak for themselves.

“Can I take you home?” I asked, my words muffled against her neck.

She shifted in my arms and twisted her body to face me, her arms linking behind my neck. Her eyes finally locked with mine, and they swam with indecision. We desperately needed to talk. I just hoped she would give me that chance. I would not stop at begging for her to give me that chance. Her lips were still swollen and glistening from my attack and her hair was ruffled in the perfect way I loved. Standing before me, surrounded by my arms, was the only girl for me, and I would fight until I was blue in the face to make her see that and to make her truly mine forever. Nothing would stop me because I had waited too long for this moment.

“Say something baby.”

Her lips creased briefly into a smile at the sound of baby, and she nodded so delicately that I almost missed it.

“I’m ready to go.” She whispered so gently.

My hand never left hers as we walked through the near empty office and made our way to the garage. I opened the passenger door and watched as she buckled herself in. I just wanted to get her to my apartment, I wanted to feel comfortable. I wanted her to scream at me, hit me, anything besides silence. I pulled my car out of the garage and hit the steady Friday evening traffic.

I felt her eyes on me before I found them. She had shifted in the seat so her back was flush with the door and faced me, staring at me so intently. Her perfect blue eyes were clear, focused, determined, like she was reading me, trying to divulge information without asking me. It made me nervous as hell. That was all she did for the entire hour drive back to my apartment.

Without a single fucking word.

The moment I shut off the engine, I finally broke.

“Eden, can you please say something? I can’t do silence. I need to know what you are thinking. Whether you could ever forgive me?”

“Inside,” was the only word she spoke.

It was only a matter of time. I knew I had to wait until she was ready to speak. I felt the shift the moment we stepped foot into my apartment. She sat on the couch, still silent, still holding her emotions in. Everything that we had fought for seemed to have been all but forgotten.

“Do you want something to eat?” I asked as I took a seat beside her.

“Yep.”

Fuck me. “Please don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Become that girl again.”

“I’ll always be that girl.”

I shook my head in frustration and stood from the couch, walking to the kitchen as my anger swirled around me. There was no way in hell that I was letting her become that girl again. Pulling open my fridge, I realized I hadn’t shopped; the past three days had been horrendous without her, but I couldn’t help but think it was a prologue for what I was about to endure.

“I don’t have any food. Let’s go to the diner.”

“Sure.”

That was it.

“Fucking hell Eden, stop doing that. This isn’t you. Don’t let my fucked-up decision screw up everything you’ve become while you were here.”

She rose from the couch and stormed into the kitchen and stood chest to chest with me. “You have no right to tell me what to do Ky. You lost that right when you lied to me. Why did you do it? Tell me why the fuck you would keep something like that from me? I trusted you. I gave you every single part of me but still that wasn’t enough to gain your honesty. I don’t know if anything you have said or done is true. All those words you said to me, were they lies too?”

Finally she broke.

“Nothing I said to you was a lie. Everything I admitted to you was truth.”

Her eyes dropped from mine and her face dropped. “I want to know everything Ky. You know my story, now I want to hear yours.”

This would be it, the moment when I faced my greatest fears. The moment when I relived my darkest days. I had told no one the depths of my grief, my hatred, my disgust in myself. She looked at me so expectantly and I knew I needed to give her this. This would be her closure as much as it would be mine. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the couch. She fell onto the comfortable cushion and pulled her legs to her chest. I sighed nervously and ran my hands through my hair. I needed to search and gather every part of my strength and give her this because if I didn’t there would be no chance that I could ever get her back.

“I was best friends with Jeremy Davis from high school and through college. He was that guy who everyone at school admired, purely because he came from money and stature. He always got what he wanted, when he wanted it, and I never had that and I didn’t want that. My family was working class, and I had to work my ass off every single day for everything that was in my life. The thing with Jeremy was that he thought he was entitled to everything and everyone. Girls threw themselves at him, and guys wanted to be him. The moment we started college, I saw him change. He wasn’t the biggest guy on campus anymore; there were guys with more money, with more standing, and with a much better reputation and stature then him. He didn’t like that, and it fucked with his head.”

I took a breath and looked at her. Her eyes were wide, her mouth agape as she took in my words. I threw my head back and demanded a huge breath to fill my lungs. I fell silent.

“Please keep going.” Her words were so soft, so innocent, yet so demanding.

I nodded.

“I remember the first time I saw you. It was across the coffee house that was just off campus. You were like a breath of fresh air amongst the stiffness and predictability of college girls. The first thing I noticed about you was those beautiful eyes. I had never seen anything like them. The blue reminded me of the ocean in summer. They were so wide, so inviting, and so entrancing. I was trapped from that moment. I had no issues with approaching girls, but with you, I was fearful. I couldn’t have handled rejection and from what I had found out when I asked around, I was told that you didn’t date. I couldn’t risk it. I watched you from afar; I knew you loved that coffee house so it became my regular place to study, because I wanted a moment when I could enjoy you.”

I stopped the moment I heard her gasp. Her knuckles were white from her grip on the pillow she held on to.

“You asked about me?” she asked meekly.

“Of course I did. Eden, you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. God this makes me sound like a fucking stalker.” I ran my hands through my hair and groaned. This was making me look like a fucking asshole too, but I knew I couldn’t stop. “You were everything that other girls weren’t. I remember the first time I saw you in sweats in the coffee house. You looked so comfortable, so confident, so concentrated while every other girl there was in her way-too-tight jeans, with tit-exposing tops and a face full of makeup. You were refreshing. You were everything I wanted.”

She stilled as it dawned on her.

She surprised me when she moved closer to me. I took a chance and pulled her onto my lap. My arm snaked around her waist and pulled her against my chest. We sat in silence as my words sunk in. We weren’t even close to being done, but I just needed this moment because I was afraid that this could be the last chance I get.

“I need you to keep going.”

I took a deep breath and my hand grasped her waist tightly, almost as if I was locking her to my body.

“Jeremy noticed a change in me. My life revolved around studying, I had a dream of what I wanted to become and I didn’t have the luxury of having a family who could pay my way through college. My grades were what kept me there. I made the mistake one day of mentioning you and from that day forward you were on his radar. He started coming to the coffee house. He tried to get me to approach you. Then he started saying fucked-up things about you.”

She shuddered against my chest at the sound of his name and his actions. I hated that I was bringing this up. I felt like I was putting her through hell, but I knew I couldn’t stop.

“That night, the end of year party at the frat house, I had been told you were going, and I had decided that I was going to find you and finally ask you out. I knew what I was going to say to you, and I wasn’t going to let you say no. I thought I had everything ticked off and planned. It was during the lead up to the party that Jeremy started saying shit. He got in my fucking face, and I was getting pissed off. I remember everything like it was yesterday, the look in his eye, the tone in his voice, but I never thought anything else of it. When he came up with the bet to see who could ask you out first, I thought he was doing it to encourage me to finally grow a set of balls. Fuck Eden, I never knew that he could do this. I should have realized he was fucked-up. I should have gotten to you first. I should have realized he had no intention of doing anything for me.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Eden, I saw him taking a girl to the dorms. I asked him what he was doing. I should have stopped him. I should have realized. I should have run over and stopped him. Why did he need to get more drinks? The party was stocked. I should have realized it was you. It’s my fucking fault. I should have stopped him.”

“Ky, listen to me. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I could have stopped him.”

“You didn’t know what he was going to do.”

I dropped my face to her neck and drew her closer to my body. I needed the warmth of her body, the familiarity of her curves, the one thing that had been my savior over this past month. Her arms encased my body, and we connected perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle.  We sat in silence, content in being as one while the sun faded in the distance. There were no words needed at that second, but I knew my story wasn’t over. She needed to know how I came to know of her. My admission had the potential to destroy relationships that she cared so deeply about, but I couldn’t hide the truth from her any longer.

“Can we eat?” She lifted her head from my chest and looked at me with those blue eyes I cherished. I nodded and unlocked my arms from around her and she shifted off my lap and stood from the couch. She was still dressed in just her coat and lingerie. “I’m going to get dressed.”

She stopped when she got to the hall. Realization hit her. All of her clothes were at Ashlyn’s.

“I’ll go and get your suitcase.”

I didn’t give her a chance to respond. The moment I stepped into the solace of the hall my body fell against the closed door, and I gasped for air. My emotions were running amuck, and I felt myself drifting to the darkness that had taken over my life for the past four years. I thought unleashing the truth into the world would help, but so far it was slowly crushing me from the inside out.

Once my emotions were under control, I pushed off the door and stumbled to the elevator and made my way toward Ashlyn’s apartment. I knocked loudly and moments later the lock clicked and the door swung open. Ashlyn took me in and immediately wrapped her arms around me. My walls of resolve crumbled. My emotions—fear, hatred, and despise—roared to life within me and spilled out of my body. I sobbed in her arms. I fucking sobbed like a baby, but I didn’t give a fuck. I cried for what Eden had lost. I cried for the pain she had been forced to endure because I couldn’t protect her. I cried for the four years of hell she had lived and because I finally got the girl and now I was losing her.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Ashlyn’s soothing voice fell around me, and she pulled me over to the couch.

I wiped my face with my hands and looked at her through red rimmed eyes. “What the fuck have I done?”

“Babe, this is what you wanted. This was your plan all along. You wanted her to shine and now she is shining bright. Look how far she has come. She is smiling, she is laughing, she has opened her heart to the idea of love and being with a man. That was all because of you. I can’t watch you destroy yourself any longer. Nothing that happened four years ago was your fault.” Her voice was laced with frustration.

“I’m going to tell her everything,” I admitted softly. “I have to.”

She nodded in agreement although she knew the possible ramifications of this. She had been a key part in my crazy plan, and I was about to admit it all to Eden. I dropped my head into my hands and felt my shoulders sink.