Текст книги "Facade"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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“How did he know he couldn’t change?” I ask, my heart chipping away, bit by bit, the pieces falling into oblivion.

Adrian pauses and I’m not sure he’s going to answer. “Because,” he finally says, “real life isn’t made of happily-ever-afters.”

As Adrian pulls away, I vow to do everything to make a liar out of him. To find a way for us to all have some kind of happily-ever-after, regardless of what we’ve been through. Maybe if I tell him, we’ll all discover some sort of peace.

* * *

I feel like a stalker. I’ve never done something like this. Never found a roundabout way into someone’s life, but I figure our chance at a little bit of peace is worth it.

Half of my day has been spent outside cleaning my car, the inside only because it’s cold outside. Telling Maddox I’ll take out the trash, check the mail. Whatever excuse I can come up with I use. If it’s not that, I’m watching the window. I’ve seen Adrian’s friends come and go, though I didn’t realize who they were until he introduced us.

I’m hoping they’ll be able to help me.

I’m hoping I run into only the girl.

See? I’m a total stalker.

It’s for a good cause. It’s for a good cause.

I’m taking a walk right now, bundled up in my jacket and gloves.

“A little cold for a walk, don’t ya think?”

I jump, grab at my heart and turn around. “Jesus, Maddy. You scared the crap out of me.”

He’s smoking a cigarette. I hate the habit and wish he wouldn’t do it. I know our parents hate it, too, and wonder if that’s why he started.

“I’m not ten anymore, Laney. You need to stop calling me that.”

I choose to ignore those words. “What are you doing?”

“Looking for you. I’m about to head out.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him where he’s going, but I don’t think he’ll answer me anyway. He’s always been private, but even more so since everything went down.

As I’m about to tell him bye, I see her getting out of her car. She’s really pretty and for a second a tiny bit of jealousy sneaks up on me. I wonder if she and Adrian have ever had anything, but then I think about the blond guy and how they looked at each other.

The same way my mom used to look at Dad, like he was the most important person in the world.

“I have to go.” I try to walk around Maddox. I’ve been at this all day and there’s no way I’m going to back out now.

“Wait. I—”

“I can’t wait. I have to go. I’ll call you in a little while.” I pull my arm out of my brother’s grasp and that’s when he looks up and sees the girl. That quickly he knows. I’ve never been able to hide much from him. “What are you doing, Laney?” Concern weighs on his voice.

“Nothing. Just talking. It’s not a big deal.”

“Lane—”

“Don’t. I have to go. I’ll… It’ll be okay. I’ll talk to you later.”

He curses but doesn’t try to stop me as I jog away. Jog toward this girl—Cheyenne—to try to get information on Adrian.

She’s almost to the building as I catch up with her. “Hey! Cheyenne!”

She turns and at first, I’m worried this was a bad idea. She looks like she wants to take me out, but then recognition lights in her eyes and she smiles at me. “Hi. You’re Adrian’s friend. What was your name again?”

When I reach her, I stop and return her smile. “Delaney. My brother and I just moved in here.”

“That’s who he is. I wondered after I saw you with Adrian. He’s got half the girls in the building freaking out over him.”

I shake my head. “That doesn’t really surprise me.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t. So, what’s up? I have a two o’clock class, but I’m meeting Colt for lunch real quick.”

The way she smiles, I’m sure she’s meeting him for more than that. Again that jealousy tries to creep in. I’ve never in my life had someone to meet for something like that.

“Oh. I don’t want to keep you. It’s just…” I can’t believe I’m doing this. I feel like such an idiot. “Adrian… we kind of had a little disagreement earlier and… well, I want to see him, but I’m not sure I could find his house again, and—”

“Say no more,” Cheyenne interrupts me. I’m surprised when she reaches out and touches my arms. “What are you doing tonight?”

Giddiness I have no business feeling builds inside me. It’s only because I want to help him. Because I want to help us both.

“It’s my night off,” I tell her. “So I have no plans at all.”

Cheyenne smiles and something about that smile tells me she likes getting her way. Not in a rude way, but a real one.

“You do now.”

I do now.

Chapter Nine

~Adrian~

I don’t try and sleep today. Know there’s no way I could. When your mind starts cross-country running, there’s too much in the brain for it to settle down. My hand still hurts, but not enough that I take anything. Nothing you can buy in the store at least.

I watch as the smoke floats around my living room and wonder what it would be like if it could really transport me away. Lift me up and not stop going until I’m gone all together.

“Fuck.” Slouching, I lean back on my couch. I hate these thoughts. Hate living a lie between what’s inside me and what I show to everyone else. I want the weed to help me like it used to.

I start to wonder what Casper’s hiding. If it’s dark inside her like it is me, but then I try to push those thoughts away.

A few hours later, there’s no room in my brain to think of anything except the music beating in my veins. The crowd of people in my house who will always come if they know there’s a party and I count on that. Count on the distraction I know they can provide for me.

I’m sitting around the kitchen table with people whose names I don’t even know. Names I won’t ask because they really don’t matter, just like half of them probably don’t even know it’s my house they’re partying in right now.

My fingers itch to write and my mind itches to be transported away, but instead I laugh and fucking talk and pretend to see the future when some chick tells me she heard I’m psychic. What a joke.

“I need a drink.” Pushing up from the table, I head to the fridge. My hand touches a bottle of beer, but then I glance at my cell before I grab it. It’s after ten. Delaney’s at work by now and I think about the fact that in about three hours she’ll be there with no one out front if something goes down.

Closing the fridge, I lean against the counter. People go around me, through me, but all that’s in my head is that I need to stop seeing that girl. She’s not my problem and if she wants to work by herself at the same place someone held a gun to her head, it’s not my business. There’s one person in my life I really could have protected—Mom won’t ever leave Dad, so there’s nothing I can do about that. Angel got out the second she could. My sister was always stronger. She never needed me.

That left Ash and I let him die, so what the fuck do I think I’m doing pretending there’s anything I can do for Delaney?

Hell, why do I want to?

“Hey, Adrian.” I hardly get a chance to see who it is when the girl steps up to me.

“Hey, Trish.” I smile at her. She’s got dark skin and these sexy little braids that I’ve had my hands in more than once. “What took you so long to find me?” I ask.

She smiles, stepping right up next to me. “Maybe I was waiting to see if you’d come looking for me?”

And even though it should be all right, somehow this game feels wrong. It always has, but it’s vibrating through me a little deeper than it usually does. An earthquake below the surface and I wonder if it will cause a tsunami to drown me. I’m so fucking tired of it all. I want to step back into the quiet of the diner where I can pretend to be someone else. “Sorry… I’m not really looking to hook up.”

She frowns, but it looks more like confusion than annoyance and I know she catches my drift. I don’t want to play tonight.

“Oh… okay.” Trish still looks confused but doesn’t say anything else. Or maybe she doesn’t get a chance to, because Colt is pushing his way over to me. It’s surprising as hell to see him here and I’m about to tell him when he speaks.

“What the fuck, man. I’ve been texting you all night. Answer your fucking phone once in a while.”

“Miss me that much?” I tease him.

“No, though I guess your psychic ass should already know this, but…” He looks at Trish.

“Eh. I have better things to do than listen to you guys gossip like a bunch of girls anyway.” With that she walks away.

“Chey showed up with your girl today.”

What? “My girl?” I ask. “I know I’m good, but not good enough to handle girls I don’t know I have.”

“You wish, man. Chey thinks she’s playing matchmaker. Thought I’d try to warn ya.”

I don’t know what it is about those words that makes everything click into place. Before I have the chance to think about it much, Cheyenne and Delaney walk up to us. Her cheeks are pink and she doesn’t really look at me. Questions start falling down on me, but I don’t ask any of them. I’m in the mood to see what it looks like to watch that pink spread. I definitely didn’t expect her to come searching me out and I’m not ready to let myself think about what that means either. She’s not like Trish. She wouldn’t walk away, not giving a shit the way Trish did.

And there’s the fact that I still want her.

“If it isn’t Casper the Friendly Ghost.” I cross my arms and dare her to meet my eyes, which she surprisingly does quickly.

“Casper? What the hell’s that?” Cheyenne says over the music.

My eyes don’t waiver from Delaney’s. I’m daring her to look away. To give in first, but she doesn’t. Her gaze is strong.

“The name’s our little secret, isn’t it, Casper?” Inside, I’m begging her to back down. To walk out of here, because the fact that I’m playing this little game with her, that I’m still wondering what she thought of the poem or if she believes in happy endings means she’s gotten inside my head when I’m usually so good at keeping it on lockdown.

“You’re totally trying to intimidate her. Colt, your friend’s being a dick,” Cheyenne says. Colt laughs.

“ ’Bout time someone other than me gets called that,” he replies.

One of Delaney’s eyebrows rises. Is she issuing me a challenge too? Can I take her up on it?

“He’s not intimidating me,” she says.

“I like her,” Cheyenne jumps in.

“I like you,” Colt says back to her. It’s then I glance over to see her smile at him as he drags her away.

“Looks like it’s just us.” Pushing off the counter, I stand next to her.

“Yeah, us and the hundred other people in your house.”

“Eh. You learn to block them out.” She looks at me, like she’s not sure what I said, so I lean closer to her. Put my mouth by her ear. “I said you learn to block them out.”

She doesn’t reply to that. Instead, Delaney turns to my ear and asks, “How’s your hand?”

“I don’t know. Do you want to check it for me?”

We’re fucking close and she smells good. Apples and cinnamon.

“Sure… I want to help you.”

Her answer’s strange, but I don’t let myself think about it. Don’t let myself try and figure her out because I’m not sure I want the answers. Instead I nod and grab on to her shirt, right by her side. She jumps a little but doesn’t struggle as I lead her through the mass of people in my place. She tries to stop at the bathroom, but I keep going. Lead her to my room, unlock the door, and close it behind us.

“I’m only checking on your hand,” she says.

“That’s all I asked you to do.” I grab my first-aid kit off my dresser and sit on the bed. I glance at my pillow to make sure Ash’s shirt isn’t showing.

Delaney stands there, looking around. “Did you just move in?”

Through her eyes, I can see why she’d think that. I have a small bed, a table, and a dresser. There’s one desk lamp on the table that I use at night and a few notebooks stacked on my dresser. Those are the only things in my room that are out in the open.

“No. My interior decorator’s a little backed up.”

Sadness creases her eyes when she looks at me. I hate that fucking look, but still I find myself saying, “My sister used to go to this field when she was younger. She brought me there once. All I could see was what looked like weeds to me. No flowers. Just weeds. Dead ones at that. I asked her why she came and she told me to keep following her, so I did. Right in the middle of the field was one tall flower. Almost like it came from fucking nowhere. I told her it was lonely. She said it was beautiful. That there was nothing wrong with being strong, alone.”

I didn’t agree with Angel then and I don’t now. I’m not even sure why I told Delaney that. It doesn’t really have anything to do with my room because there’s nothing beautiful showing here. And I’m not strong in my loneliness.

“You really are a poet,” is how she replies.

I shake my head. “That wasn’t poetry. I don’t know what it was. I’m fucked up. If you don’t hurry and check my hand, I might pass out on you. Unless you think of a way to keep me awake…”

I can tell by the set of her jaw that I’ve disappointed her, but it doesn’t matter. I’m used to it. It should be no different with her… and yet it is. I do care that I’ve let her down, but I don’t know how to fix it, how to step out from behind the mask.

Delaney sighs and sits on the bed. She’s so gentle as she takes my bandage off that I can’t help but study her. People aren’t usually careful with me. Dad wasn’t careful when he beat my ass, unless you count being careful not to leave marks that could be seen.

Ash was the only one who was ever gentle. He used to get pissed if I’d kill a bug. We would bring spiders outside to set them free so he wouldn’t cry.

I close my eyes, willing Ash out of my mind. I just want a break, some kind of fucking reprieve from myself and my past.

“All done,” Delaney says. Somehow she’d inspected my hand and wrapped it again without my noticing. “The swelling’s going down. It’s starting to heal.”

“Let’s get out of here.” I don’t let myself think about the words.

She looks at my hand and bites her bottom lip.

“I thought you were going to pass out.”

Got her. “Then I guess it’s your job to keep me awake.”

“What about all the people in your house?” Delaney asks as she follows me out.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not. They’ll still have a good time.” We get to the sidewalk and I hate it. Every time I stand out here, I remember pulling up and seeing Cheyenne and Colt on the ground. Thinking my best friend was going to die because I couldn’t get him to the hospital in time. That he was going to die in front of me the same way Ashton did.

“Think fast.” I toss my keys and Delaney catches them easily. “You gotta drive. I’ve been drinking.”

“What about your friends?”

“I don’t think they’re drinking, but they’re not out here or going with us.”

I hear her chuckle. I can’t see her too well despite the streetlight. It makes me wonder how she caught the keys so easily.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Isn’t it rude to leave them? And Cheyenne drove me. She’ll wonder where I am.”

“Colt’ll know you’re with me.”

“But—”

“Why did you come here tonight, Casper?” I cut her off.

“To see you… I want to be your friend.”

“And you’ve seen me. If you want to see me any more tonight, this is the way to do it. You can go home if you want. I don’t blame you, but my thoughts are going to eat me alive if I stay in there right now.”

That’s never been the case before. It’s always worked to put the pipe to my lips and inhale the smoke. To be around music and people so loud they drown out the voices in my head. Right now, I can’t do it.

Delaney steps even farther into the dark toward the driver side of my car. “Which way am I going?”

We drive out to the middle of nowhere, up above town where you see the lights of the city. Not that there’s a whole lot of city down there, but enough activity shines below to make it feel like I’m a hell of a lot farther away than I am.

Delaney kills the engine and I push the seat back so I’m practically lying down. Silence fills the space between us, half comfortable and half wanting to shove me out of the car.

“So you wanna be my friend, huh?” The laugh in my voice is hard to hide, not that I’m trying.

“Don’t make it sound like that! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be friends with you.”

“That’s not what most women want from me.”

“I’m not most girls.”

I don’t reply to that because I have a feeling she’s right. More silence bears down on us. She takes a couple breaths and I feel the mood changing. “Listen, Adrian. I—”

“Are you in school?” I ask. I don’t want to hear whatever she was going to say. Don’t want to keep hearing her say that she doesn’t want me or whatever the hell else she planned to tell me. Tonight, it doesn’t really matter or not if I get to feel her beneath me. If I don’t get to taste her, because right now, I just want to fucking talk. “Talk to me, Casper. You said you want to be my friend. I’m asking you to talk to me.”

And maybe I’m manipulating her in a way, too, throwing that back at her, but I can’t make myself stop.

I hear her breathe. It’s sexy as hell and for a minute I pretend I really do get to touch her. Kiss her lips and take off her shirt and explore every inch of her with my mouth. It would be an even better way to lose myself than talking.

“No… I’m not in school. Just the job.”

“Why not? You’re not into college?”

“I definitely want to go. It’s just not something I’m able to do right now. My brother Maddox and I… we have a lot we’re dealing with.”

Without seeing her eyes, I know that’s part of what haunts her. I want to ask but know there’s no way in hell I’m telling her about myself, so I don’t.

“What about you?” she asks. “You don’t want to be a writer, or whatever?”

I remember being younger, burying myself in books and school to take me away from everything else. I used to fucking pretend I lived in the stories. Or I was one of those characters with enough balls to do something about my life. I used to dream about being Edmond from The Count and how I would make it through all the shit life threw at me and come out of it better. “Life doesn’t work like dreams…”

“What?” she asks.

“I said, nah. No college for me. Cheyenne goes. Colt too.”

“Is that how they met?” she asks.

So I tell her. Tell her how Colt used to live with me and about how his mom was dying. How he met Cheyenne and they wanted nothing to do with each other at first, but how they both found a way to make things better for each other. How that led to them making things better for themselves.

I even tell her about Colt getting hurt and how Cheyenne stayed by his side the whole time.

“And you,” she says when I’m finished.

“And me, what?”

“You were there too…”

I shrug, because it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like I did much. “What about you? Where are you from? Why’d you move here?”

She gasps and I know I hit a nerve. It almost makes me snatch the question back, but instead I turn to look at her, watch her face, as so many expressions play across her feminine features.

She’s really fucking beautiful.

“I’m from Stanley.”

About an hour from where I grew up. “And why did you move here?”

Delaney pauses. “My mom tried to commit suicide,” she finally says. Her voice is the softest I’ve heard it.

“Shit… I’m sorry.”

“It’s not the first time. I’m hoping it’ll be the last. I just… Have you ever wanted to believe you could make it better? That you have the power to fix so many people’s lives, so you set out on this path and then you’re not so sure? Don’t know if you’re doing the right thing, but you’re already on the path to making it happen, so you have to find a way to see it through?”

Delaney turns her head and looks at me. Her eyes are wet and I feel like shit for bringing all this up. “No,” I tell her. “Absolutely not.”

She laughs and I realize that’s what I wanted. That I’d hoped she would find humor in my semitruth. “I mean, I know I’m just going to fuck it up.”

“No!” She covers her face with her hands, but I can hear the giggle behind it. It’s a mixture of a real laugh, laced with seriousness.

The moon is bright, giving us unexpected light. When she pulls her hands away and looks at me with those haunted-house eyes, and I see that sexy little mole on her face and her pink tongue sneaks out and licks her plump lips, blood surges through my body. Heat comes alive beneath my skin and I know I’m going to try to kiss her.

I lean closer. Put my hand on her cheek.

“Adrian…”

“Shhh. It’s okay. I just want to taste you again.”

I pull her toward me and I don’t have to pull very hard before my mouth is on hers. She somehow tastes like apples, too, and I suck her lip, bite it gently, and let her explore my mouth.

In two seconds flat I’m hard. I want nothing more than to bury myself inside her. To lose myself in all that sweetness.

“Can I touch you?” I ask her. “That’s all. I promise.”

“We shouldn’t… This isn’t what I came here for. God, it’s just…”

I feel like shit because she moved here to try and deal with her mom’s issues. Or maybe she ran like I did, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting her. From seeing that same need reflected in her, but there’s more there too. That’s what scares me. She’s attractive and a distraction, but she’s intriguing too. I think of the way she cared for my hand and the fact that I keep opening up to her. It makes me unsure if I want to keep going or get out of the car right now.

I’ve never claimed to be strong, though, so instead of walking away, I ask, “Do you want me to touch you? Don’t think about anything else. Just tell me if you want it.”

Slowly, she nods.

“Then take it. Take what you want.” I have a feeling she doesn’t do much for herself.

This time, it’s her lips that come down on mine. Not wasting any time, I palm one of her breasts. “I can’t feel nearly enough with your jacket on. Turn the car on.”

She does and I turn up the heater before I unzip her jacket. She eases out of it and for the first time, I thank God for good luck because she’s wearing a button-up shirt.

“I want to see you,” I tell her as I push one, two, three buttons from their holes. When she doesn’t stop me, I keep going until her shirt is open, and a pink lace bra cups her breasts.

“You’re so pretty,” I say as I trace the swells of each breast with my finger. Watch as goose bumps follow the same path.

She’s breathing hard, and shaking a little. “And you’re good at this.”

“I’m just getting started.” Soon it’s my tongue tracing the same path my finger did. I unhook her bra and watch her breasts spill free, before my tongue tastes each pert tip. We spend the rest of the night alternating between kissing and talking. Turning the car off and on. We end up in the backseat but don’t talk about anything important. I spend a lot more time with lips taking voyages over her body, traveling her land. Somehow I know if I go for her pants, she’s going to stop me, so I don’t.

Tonight, this is enough. It’s been a long time since I’ve done nothing but make out with a girl. When I went to live with Angel at fifteen, I was free for the first time in my life. Away from my dad and finally living, so I went wild for a while. I did a lot during that time, messed around with a lot of girls, but none of it felt as good as it had just kissing her tonight.

“I’ve never watched the sun come up.” She stares out at the pinks and oranges looking like watercolors in the sky.

“You work graveyard.”

“I didn’t say I’ve never seen it. I said I’ve never watched it. There’s a difference.”

Maybe, just maybe, she might be right. “Then we’ll watch.”

It only takes a few minutes for the sun to come up and we don’t talk or touch the whole time. Soon I’m driving her home. Colt and Cheyenne’s car is here. I wouldn’t be surprised if they went home right after we separated.

“You’re up all night again because of me.” There’s laughter in her voice. I consider kissing her good-bye, but I don’t.

“Doesn’t matter. Sleep in the daytime or at night is all the same. It’s still sleep.”

“Yeah, I guess.” She pauses. “Am I going to see you again? I don’t mean that in a clingy way. I know what this is, but…”

“You said you wanted to be friends, right?” It’s the only way that I have to say yes.

“Sure… friends.”

Delaney gets out of the car. I wait as she walks toward the apartment, but then she stops and looks back at me. “I don’t know if it matters, but I don’t work tonight.”

And then she’s gone and I sit here, trying to figure out if it does matter, and I think it might.