Текст книги "Facade"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Chapter Eighteen

~Delaney~

He’s smiling and I wonder if he notices. It sends this electric sort of feeling through me. Like I’ve been shot through the heart with a lightning bolt, but it doesn’t hurt. It shocks me to life and makes me feel more alive than I ever have.

This feeling can’t be wrong. What I’m doing can’t be wrong if it makes him smile so pure. If it makes me feel like this. But I know that’s not completely true. I need to tell him. The words are there in my mouth and on my tongue all the time, but I can’t make myself push them out because I’m scared of losing him and scared of hurting him when all I want is for him to be okay. It might have begun as a hope of absolution for my family, but that’s not what it’s about anymore. It’s about the man standing in front of me and the warmth that spreads through me when I’m with him and the jolts he shocks into my heart.

“If you don’t mind being cheesy with me, I think the festival sounds fun.”

“I’ve never done cheesy before. Might as well give it a try.”

We walk to the car and this time I drive. It’s not hard to find because half the streets are closed down, directing all the traffic in the same direction. Luckily we find a parking spot quickly and head to the festival. It’s only midmorning, but it’s already busy. The air is crisp, but everyone’s walking around like us, bundled up, though they have steaming cups in their hands.

“It smells like apples,” I tell him. “I love the smell of apples. There’s something comforting about it.” I shiver, but then feel a sudden burst of warmth when Adrian puts an arm around me.

“I don’t want you to get too cold on me. I have plans for you later on today… though it might be fun to warm you up.”

Another laugh tumbles from my mouth. He chuckles, too, and I nuzzle closer to him as we walk. I love this side of him. That’s almost so carefree, even though I know it’s another mask for the pain inside. It feels real, though. I want it to be real.

“Do you have a childhood memory with apples?” he asks. It takes me a minute to remember that I’d just mentioned them.

“No…” A ghost of a memory floats into my head. “You know what? I never even thought about it, but I do.” It all starts to form in my brain and I can’t help but let it out. “I was about thirteen. My dad had been away working for over a week. Or we thought he was working. He traveled a lot and I always missed him…”

It had all been a lie. I hate missing him and knowing how much I loved him when none of it had been real. When he’d lived a double life and hurt all of us.

“Where was he?” Adrian asks.

“With his girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry.”

Not as sorry as he would be if he knew my dad and the same woman were in a car together, driving by his house a year later.

“What happened?” Part of me doesn’t want to tell him. Doesn’t want to share anything positive about my dad with Adrian because of what my father did to his family. But I want to talk about it. I want to open up with him whenever he asks because I don’t want there to be secrets between us. I’d like to find a way to reveal them all and for us to be okay.

“He came home and saw me sitting in the window watching for him. He didn’t even come in the house. He just called me out and we jumped in the car and he took me to the fair that had come to town and we ate caramel apples. He made me feel special. After him being gone, I wanted that time with him. We laughed and he told me about his trip and we talked about Maddox and trying to get him to play football again.”

At the time, I’d thought it was perfect. My best day. Yes, I’d been daddy’s girl for a while now and I’d always thought that was good. That it was okay, but now I hate that part of my past.

“It sounds like it was a happy time. What changed, Little Ghost? What ruined that day?”

My head snaps up to look at him. “How did you know?”

“You let your emotions into your words. I think you have a big heart that’s been bruised, but you’re better than me because you keep letting it beat. You let it get stronger. So tell me, who ruined your day. Who bruised your heart?”

I stop walking. There’s people all around us, but it feels like we’re the only two in the world. Everyone else manages to fade away and as I play his words in my head and as I feel his intense stare, I know there is absolutely no man in the world as beautiful as he is. Yes, he’s closed off and freely admits to using sex and drugs to hide from the world. Yes, when we first met he told me he wanted in my pants, and yet he makes sure I know we go at my speed. That I should never do something I don’t want to do for him. So despite his shortcomings, to me, he’s beautiful. His heart is more scarred than mine ever could be, but he cares. He might not know it, but he feels for people. It’s so easy to pretend to listen, but he really does. I don’t think anyone listens and really, really thinks about my words the way he has. Like each one of them is important.

He walks forward, which makes me walk backward and we’re suddenly leaning against a tree.

“Let me bandage your heart the way you did my hand.”

My eyes fill with tears. Who would have known this boy who is so hard on the outside could be filled with such beautiful words?

“My mom… she was angry when we came home. She’d been planning a special afternoon for them, but it was too late for them to go by the time we got back. She told him it was okay and smiled and hugged him, but when he went upstairs, she told me it was my fault. That I was always trying to get all the attention and that I was selfish. She said I ruined their day on purpose. I didn’t know, Adrian. I swear I didn’t.”

He pulls me to him. My arms feel at home around his waist, with his body so close to mine. His chin rests on my head, and his arms are around my shoulders.

“You went when your dad told you to. There was nothing wrong with that. If she said that to you, she didn’t know you. Not in the way that matters. Your heart beats so strong, I feel it against my chest. You make mine want to catch up, to match the rhythm.”

His words are too much. They’re everything and as much as they build me up, they break me down too. I do the only thing I can think to do, what I need to do, and close my mouth over his. It’s the first time I’ve been the one to kiss him and I can tell he’s holding off, letting me take the lead. I wish I could feel him, really feel him through all our clothes and jackets, but his lips are the perfect tease. The perfect prequel to Adrian and how he feels and what I know he can and will do to me later.

He moans and I think it’s probably the sexiest sound I’ve ever heard. But then he’s pulling away. I want to grab him. Yank him closer and never let him go, but people are walking next to us now.

We find the source of the apple smell and it’s a booth with the longest line. We wait in it and people talk about how they make the best hot apple cider in the United States. Adrian chats easily with people in line around us. It’s a different side of him. He talks to them differently than he does Colt, Cheyenne, or me. He holds me against him as he does it, so I can’t see his face. I try and study the sound of his voice the way he seems to know mine, trying to gauge if it’s another of his masks or if for this moment in time he’s really opening himself up. If he’s really trying to pretend to be like everyone else.

When it’s our turn, he orders us both cups and we walk around, sipping it like all the locals do. There are booths and games. We play some, and he doesn’t vow to win me a stuffed animal like you always hear about. I think I love that about him. Love how real he is.

Most of the booths are made up of locals, crochet blankets on sale, handmade hats, gloves, and painted coffee mugs.

We look at everything. I know this can’t really be his idea of a good time, but he’s here and I love that. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with him right now.

The air starts getting colder and the pull to the hotel room and being alone with Adrian becomes stronger. “Do you want to go back now?” I ask him.

He looks at me, promises of pleasure in his eyes. “To be alone with you? Do you have to ask?”

Laughing, I say, “Yes, I know. You’ve been trying to get into my pants for a while now, and you finally made it.”

The words were meant to be a joke but there is a change in his look. The playful smile I’ve started to get used to fades before he says, “You know that’s not all this is about, right? I’m not one to make promises I don’t know if I can keep. I won’t insult you by doing that, but… it’s not just about that.”

“I know.” The words come out steady and strong because they are. “I’m not asking for promises. And I know how honest you are. Maybe in the beginning that’s what it was about, but I can see the change.”

In that moment, I could swear he’s stripped bare. That he’s proud. I want him to be that. Want him to be proud of who he is because he deserves it.

“Full of so many surprises.” His finger skates down the side of my face.

“It’s true… I owe you that. I owe you more truths than that one.”

“One at a time. That’s all we can do is take it one at a time.”

We’re quiet most of the way back to the hotel. During the short drive, I wonder what’s on his mind as guilt hammers down on me. Things have gone too far. It’s been too long for me to have any kind of real excuse for not telling him. The thought of hurting him makes an ache build inside me. One so strong and fast-moving that I feel like it’s breaking me apart. The words are there and I need to get them out and hope, hope there is some way to make him understand. Some way that this won’t hurt him.

We take the last corner on the way to our hotel. “Adrian. I—”

He’s not looking at me when he says, “Oh shit!”

From there everything happens so quickly it’s hard to follow. Adrian jerks the car into a nearby parking spot, jumps out while it’s still running. The door hits another car and he leaves it open. And runs. I look up ahead of us and see cop cars, an ambulance, someone on a stretcher, and people all over the sidewalk. My heart drops.

Turning the key, I jerk it out of the ignition and run. Run to find Adrian.

Chapter Nineteen

~Adrian~

I can hardly breathe as I push my way through the people. My breath doesn’t matter, though. I don’t know what happened or who’s hurt, but it’s not important. All I see is Ashton. I feel him. Red clouds my vision as I try to work my way through the crowd. I see the ambulance that came to our house. The people who tried to take him from me.

Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead.

I remember Colt and walking up to the house to find him on the ground. Knowing I was too late. That he would die like Ash. Ashton. Oh fuck, pain pierces my chest again. I’m shaking and people are crowding me and I can’t get through.

“Watch where you’re going!” someone says, but it doesn’t stop me. I have to save them. Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die.

Please Ashton don’t die.

My vision blurs. My chest aches and my legs beg me to fucking stop. What can I do? Who the fuck am I? If I couldn’t save a helpless little boy who only wanted to be like me, who wanted me to protect him, what the hell do I think I’m going to do here?

I push through the front of the crowd and I see him. I see that little boy with the big eyes as they look up at me. He’s bloody and hurting, the light gone from those eyes that looked at me like I was something. Like I was somebody.

“Ash!”

The image morphs and it’s not Ashton anymore. It’s someone I don’t know, lying on a stretcher.

“Adrian?”

The sound of Delaney’s voice brings me back to the past. Ashton and blood and a broken little boy. Why couldn’t you save me? I rub my eyes. I’m fucking cracking up and I know it. Ashton hadn’t said anything, but I know it was there. I thought it as I held his bloody little body, memorizing the injuries as though that could make them mine instead of his. “I’m sorry.”

I’m so fucking sorry. When will it ever end? Do I deserve it to end? Why did I have to screw up so bad? He was perfect and innocent and I still see his blood on my hands. Fuck, I want to be clean of it, but I deserve to wear it. Deserve to see it every day because he’s in the ground and he would have loved me. He did love me and I killed him.

“It’s okay. You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

She touches me and I shake it off. “He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead.”

Even to my own ears I sound insane. Maybe I am. Maybe I’ve always been. But he’s fucking dead because I should have been protecting him.

“He’s okay. Look. He’s talking to EMTs.”

Ash is gone again. The guy is probably my age. He’s on the stretcher just like I thought, but he is sitting up and he is talking. There’s a car and a bike and I know he must have been hit, but there’s no blood. No empty brown eyes, locked on me.

I’m fucking losing it. I hate that she sees me like this. Hate that I’m like this.

“Come on, Adrian. Let’s go. Come inside with me.”

“Adrian! Where’s Ashton? What happened to Ash?” Angel’s voice slams into my head now.

“Adrian?” Delaney.

“Adrian?” Angel.

I push my way through the crowd. I need to get the fuck out of here. Delaney’s on my heels, but I can’t make myself stop. Up the stairs, down the hall, unlock the room. It’s all on autopilot. She storms in right behind me as I’m grabbing my bag and shoving stuff inside.

“What are you doing?” she asks, out of breath. Christ, I’m being an asshole to her. She doesn’t deserve this.

“Leaving.”

“Why? Stay. Talk to me.”

Honesty finds its way out of my mouth. “Leaving is what I do. My feet itch to run and my hands itch to write and my mind is going and going and I can’t fucking shut it down.” Stopping, I turn to look at her, which is a huge mistake. It makes me want to stay. “Sometimes I feel like I’m taking so much in and I can’t stop it. It overloads my fucking head and I can’t forget. I just want to fucking forget.”

“If you go, let me go with you.” She steps closer. “If you need to write, I’ll be your paper. I have no idea what I’m doing here. I don’t know if this is the right thing, but whatever you need, if you need to try to forget, let me help you.”

What I want is to take a really big bong hit and get the hell out of here.

She takes off her jacket. Her scarf. And somehow the voices in my head are quieting. I don’t want the weed. Don’t want anything but her. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” she says again before pulling her shirt over her head. My little ghost drops her arms, and it slowly falls from her hand.

Her breasts heave up and down with her breathing. She’s biting her lip and I know she’s nervous and I know I’m a bastard for wanting to take her up on this.

“You’re too good for that, for me to use you.”

“Then don’t…” Her voice is so low, so soft, but it’s all I hear. “Don’t use me. Just make me feel good, Adrian. Let me try to make you feel good too.”

“You do.” And it’s probably the realest truth I’ve given her. She does. She makes me feel good. There is suddenly nothing that could make me leave this room. My jacket comes off, tossed to the chair.

“Come here,” but I don’t wait for her. I pull her to me. Her breasts press against my chest and her breath smells like apple cider and I let the scent comfort me the way she said it does her.

“I want you bare to me, my little ghost. I don’t know all your secrets and you know none of mine, but I don’t want to wear masks with you right now. I want to see all of you. Show me those ghosts in your eyes and I’ll try to kiss them away. Let me bare my scars to you and feel your lips on them.” Because fuck if I don’t need to tear down this façade. I know she sees how broken I am, but to admit it is different. To acknowledge the masks are there—regardless if she knows what they are or not—and to feel her try to comfort me. To give her that in return is a burning need inside me. An ache that can only be cured with her because no matter what, she doesn’t push me and that means something.

“I want that, Adrian. I would do anything to take your pain away.”

And I believe her. My hands travel over the landscape of her back. I let them slide down until they’re under her ass, and then I lift her. Easily she comes to me, trusts me, wrapping her legs around my waist. Her shoes dig into my thighs and I welcome it. Feel her jeans as they stretch across her ass and wish it was her naked skin under my hands.

My mouth trails down to her neck and she arches for me, giving me free rein to explore her. “Such a gift,” I tell her as I lick the soft skin there. Taste her, learn her, until she invades all of my senses. She’s what I hear, see, taste, and smell. I want all of it.

As if she’s just as hungry for me, her mouth finds mine. Her arms are so tight around my neck as though she’s afraid I’m going to let her go.

“I won’t let you go,” I say, though we both know eventually I will.

She shows me her eyes and I see the knowledge there. See her pain and excitement and everything I could want her to show me.

I turn and lay her on the bed. Push my stupid fucking bag to the floor because it’s not like I’m going anywhere tonight.

I slide the straps of her bra down. My fingers drift behind her back to the hooks. When it’s gone, I drink my fill with my eyes. Kiss each peak with my mouth. When I pull gently with my teeth, she cries out.

“Adrian… oh God…”

I can’t stop there, so I kiss my way down her torso. Unbutton her jeans, take off her shoes, her pants, before I start at her ankles and work my way back up with my mouth. Each place I kiss her, touch her, I pretend it wipes away one of her ghosts. Cures one of her aches and relieves some of her pain.

Her legs hang over the side of the bed as I kneel on the floor between them. She’s so beautiful. So fucking beautiful that when I look at her, it’s hard to remember there’s any bad in the world. “Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need.”

She doesn’t answer. Only cries out as I push a finger inside her.

“You… just you…”

“I’m here.” I move up her body, lean over her to take her mouth as I kiss her again. Pump my fingers and revel in the little gasps of pleasure she makes. When her body begins to stiffen under me, she says, “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” over and over. I kiss her again, deeper, until her words are lost and she’s coming apart beneath me.

I can’t help but smile. “You are so sexy.”

She doesn’t smile back. She’s still completely open to me like I ask and so serious when she says, “Let me kiss your scars, Adrian. Show them to me.”

There’s never been anyone I’ve wanted to show more. “Yes.”

I take my shirt off, kick out of my pants, and then lay on the bed, as bare as she is. Her eyes skate over my body, exploring me with all that innocence and curiosity in her that makes me smile.

“Don’t be scared,” I tell her, hoping to wipe away her fear.

When she straddles me, her warm, wet heat against me, it’s searing. A wildfire raging inside me. She kisses my stomach.

“I lied to you. When I said I wasn’t close with my sister. She was my best friend. The only person I used to have in my corner.”

I know her mouth can’t really take away these scars, but it feels so good to show them. To bare them in a way I’ve never done.

Her mouth moves up to my chest, kisses the right side.

“My father used to beat the shit out of us. Mom… Angel… and me. We all just fucking took it, but then Angel left and she came back for me.”

Her mouth stops moving, “Adrian—”

“No, baby. Don’t. Not right now.” If she talks, I won’t be able to and she deserves to know the things I can handle telling her.

Her mouth comes down again. This time on the little fist tattooed over my heart, the one that holds my heart in its tiny hand.

“There was only one responsibility I ever had. Only one person I should have taken care of… and I let him die.”

She freezes on top of me like I knew she would. What other response can someone have to something like that?

“Adrian… no. You didn’t. You couldn’t.”

“Shhh.” I run my hand through her hair. See her eyes water and wipe away the tears. “Don’t stop, Little Ghost.”

Indecision shows on her face. It’s not as though a comment like mine wouldn’t cause it. She has every right to stop. Probably should stop, but she doesn’t. Instead she takes my hand, the fingers that just wiped her tears and she kisses each one of them.

“I need you,” I tell her. She’s still straddling me as I sit up and grab my bag, pulling out a condom from inside. Her eyes don’t leave my hand as I open the package, roll it on, before I push in, disappearing inside her.

“Oh God… Adrian.”

I lay back and she goes with me. I thrust forward and her hips roll with mine. We move together, in unison. She’s the fire in my veins, the breath in my lungs, and the glue trying to hold each of my scars together.

I’ve had sex. A lot of sex, but nothing like this. Nothing like it is with her. It’s raw and real and fucking incredible.

“You feel so good.” I know if it were possible to save me, to make me feel whole, she would be the one to do it. I can’t be whole again, but it’s nice to pretend.

My hands won’t stop moving. I want to know all of her. Use her as my paper, like she said. Her back, her shoulders. Every part of her I explore while we move together.

“Adrian… I’m…”

“I know, baby. Let go,” I tell her.

And she does. Quivering above me, she lets go. Lets me catch her and then I’m doing the same.

* * *

“I’m hiding! You can’t find me!” Ashton tells me. He’s sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of his face. Angel’s in the kitchen, about to head out to work.

“Ash? Where are you?” I call.

He giggles. “I hide!”

“Adrian. The mail came. You got the placement test results from the college.”

I roll my eyes. I took my GED on my own, not wanting to be a dropout, but she pushed me on the college thing. It’s not that I don’t want it, but who will take care of them? “We’re playing hide-and-seek. I’ll look later.”

“Hide-and-seek can wait. This is huge, little brother.”

“Find me! Find me!” Ashton calls out.

“I’m looking for Ash. Have you seen him?” I ask her.

“Adrian!” Angel groans.

“Find me!” Ashton squeals.

Excitement colors Ashton’s voice, but it does the same for my sister. It drives me crazy sometimes, the way she thinks she’s my mom, but then I remember she’s the only person who’s ever really given a shit and I realize I’m lucky to have her.

“The test results might not matter. What if I don’t get the scholarship?”

She crosses her arms. Ashton keeps yelling “Find me” in the background. “You’re the smartest person I know. You had to write an essay for that scholarship. You’re a beautiful writer, Adrian. There’s no way you won’t get it.”

It feels good to make her proud. Good to know I’ll hopefully make them both proud. I’ve fucked up so much with Mom and then screwing around, when Angel took me in. Maybe this will make up for it all.

“Open it,” I tell her.

She smiles and I know she already did. “You did incredible. Just like I knew you would, you little smart-ass!” She swats me with the paper. “I have something else for you too. This one I didn’t open.”

“I hide! Find me,” Ashton’s little voice calls again. My hands shake as I grab the envelope.

“Ashton? Where are you? I can’t find you!” I open the flap, pull out the paper and read.

“We’re pleased to tell you… Fucking A.”

“Fucking A!” Ash calls.

“Shit!” I glance at the little boy on the couch. “Ashton, don’t—”

“Shit!” he repeats.

“Adrian!” Angel groans. “Watch. Your. Mouth. You have to be careful. We’re the only examples he has.”

I look at the words on the paper again. The ones that say how much talent I have. The ones that offer me money to go to school. “I’m trying to, Angel. I’m going to make both of you proud.”

She hugs me and then “finds” Ashton on the couch, before giving him a hug. “I’m going to work. Have a good day. Oh”—she turns to me—“if you guys go outside, please bring him out back. I hate this corner. The front yard’s too dangerous, especially when the roads are slippery, like they are today.”

I nod to appease her, my eyes scanning the paper again. She’s always overworrying about everything.

“Find me!” Ashton says again. When I look at the couch this time, he’s gone.

My eyes jerk open when the nightmare ends. Delaney’s naked and wrapped in my arms. I pull her close, as close as I can get to her. Why didn’t I listen? Why couldn’t I have done the right thing by them?

“Were you dreaming?” she asks softly.

“Yeah.”

She rolls over so she’s facing me. Leaning up on my elbow, I look down at her. It’s just now dusk outside. The last of the day, disappearing into night. Here, then gone, like Ashton was.

“Can I tell you something? It’s probably not what you want to hear and I know it’s not the right time, but I feel it and I need to—”

“Say it,” I finish for her. “I want to hear whatever you have to say.”

“I know I shouldn’t and I know there’s so much we don’t know about each other and it’s probably wrong of me but… but I’m falling in love with you. And I want you to know. You deserve to know and—”

“Say it again.” I close my eyes. Focus on the words.

“I love you.”

Those words wash through me. Fucking fill me up. She moves closer to me. Buries her face in my chest and I want nothing more than to be the man she deserves. “There have only ever been two people in my life who have loved me, and they both had no choice. And I let them down, Little Ghost. I don’t want to break you too.”

“You won’t, Adrian. God, if you could only see. You’re so much better than you give yourself credit for.”

I let her think that’s true. Wish it was. And I know I should be man enough to return her words, but I can’t, so I give her what I can.

“Haunt me,

my little ghost,

Possess me.

Live inside me,

And scare away my sins

Until there’s nothing left.

But you.”