Текст книги "Facade"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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Chapter Sixteen

~Delaney~

What am I doing here? I’m scared to death this is wrong. That all I’m going to do is make things worse. I don’t have a right to be here… but I want to. Want to more than I ever thought I would. There’s something about Adrian that feels good. Feels right. I see the pain in his eyes and I want to extinguish it. To fight it until there’s nothing left to hurt him.

But it’s more than that, too, and that’s what scares me. I told him I like him, but the warmth he spreads through my chest and the pull I feel toward him are more than that. I can’t even blame that thread anymore. It’s just… Adrian. The words in his soul and his quiet nobility and the way he smiles. He’s special and I feel it in every part of myself.

And once he finds out… I’ll probably lose him. But do I really have him?

A rattle at the door tells me he’s here. I’m sitting in the middle of the bed that doesn’t have our stuff on it. My wet hair’s tied up in a ponytail and I have a sudden urge to run into the bathroom and put makeup on. It would look ridiculous to put it on after a shower, though, so I don’t. I did put a bra back on, but I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have.

I don’t sleep in them. And he said he wants me, but—

“You okay?” he asks. “You’re spacing off with a look of fear on your face.”

I hadn’t even realized he’d come in! “Yeah… fine. Just tired.” And scared, excited, nervous, and needy too.

“I got some Mountain Dew. I can go to the machine if you want something else. I don’t know what you like.” He sets the pizza, soda, and paper plates on the table.

“Mountain Dew’s my favorite.” I pull my legs out from under myself and stand up.

“Maybe I really am psychic, then. Or just really fucking good.” He gives me a grin and it slams me right in the heart. It’s playful, and though Adrian’s sometimes playful, it never really rings true. This grin? I feel it in my toes and my stomach and my heart and I think maybe that means he really feels it too.

We make our plates and Adrian fills cups for both of us. I’m not sure where we should eat, but then he steps out of his shoes and climbs onto the bed I just left.

“Sit with me, Little Ghost.”

Those words, that name sends a shudder of pleasure through me. I love to watch his mouth as he says it.

My heart is going crazy as I climb next to him. Looking at him now makes it almost possible to forget the ache in his eyes when he saw me with that little girl today. I want nothing more than to make that look go away forever.

“Why aren’t you in school?” he asks me.

Adrian’s not really one to ask a lot of questions. He doesn’t talk, but he’s trying to talk to me now and I’m not sure exactly what that means. “Money, I guess.” I shrug. “And my mom. Though that’s not really a good excuse. It’s not like she really cares if I’m around anyway.”

The thinker in him comes out. It’s almost a shift when he’s trying to figure out something in his head.

“Do you want to go to school?” is his next question.

I take a bite of my pizza, using it as an excuse for some time. I’d always planned on going away to college. Maddox too. He was going to be a football star one day. We all knew it, but when he and Dad stopped being close, Maddox stopped playing.

I wanted to help people. “Yeah… I want to be a nurse. I’ve always wanted to be one.” The words make the urge come to life inside me again. My dream. Don’t I deserve my dream too? Doesn’t Maddox and Adrian? Why did my father’s action get to take that from all of us?

“You’d be good at that. I can see you sneaking extra lollipops to little kids if they’re good.”

That makes me smile. It sounds like something I would love to do. “That would be very nice of me,” I tease.

“So sweet and innocent.”

“Hey!” I set my plate down and pretend to be annoyed by crossing my arms. “There’s nothing wrong with being nice.” Turning my head, I poke out my bottom lip.

Adrian’s hand cups my chin. In a smooth movement he’s turning my head so I face him again. “I never said there was anything wrong with how you are. And if you stick your lip out again, I’m going to bite it.”

His words are a syringe, injecting a pleasurable heat into my veins. I want his mouth on me again so, so much. “What… what about you?” I ask.

“You can bite me, too, if you want.”

I throw a napkin at him. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“You know what I want. I write.” He doesn’t make eye contact with me as he grabs my empty plate, tossing both his and mine into the trashcan before coming back to sit on the bed again. Two urges bubble up inside me and I’m not sure which one to go with. I want to ask him more, want to ask him everything so I know every piece of Adrian, but I want to be quiet too. To wait… and listen in the hopes he’ll give those pieces of himself to me without my having to pry.

“When I was younger”—he takes a deep breath—“I wrote all the time. Read and wrote. I thought if I disappeared enough into the words, they would become my life instead of the one I was living.”

Oh God, oh God, oh God. That is a piece of him he never would have given me before. It makes me feel buoyant, invincible, but also like a fraud.

“It doesn’t work that way, though.” There’s seriousness in his voice.

I feel him starting to shut down again and I want to do, to say anything to bring him back to me. To open him up. “Maybe it can… Your words are beautiful, Adrian. The poem you left at the diner was wonderful and the one from the night at my house too.”

“You like them? Do you want me to tell you another story?” His voice is gravelly, husky, but manages to pour over me as smoothly as honey.

“Yes.” My voice sounds funny as well. He’s looking at me so intensely, as though it’s impossible to turn away. My heart is suddenly going crazy again and my skin tingles, burns, whatever else it can possibly feel.

He leans forward. “There once was a beautiful girl. She was sexy as hell.”

Closer. With each second that ticks by he gets closer to me.

“She met a guy. Of course there was a guy and he wanted her so fucking bad he could hardly stand it.”

I want to back up.

I want to lunge for him.

“And for one night, she was his.”

Adrian’s mouth comes down hard and fast on mine. Tender mixed with hungry need as his tongue is stroking and exploring my mouth. My arms wrap around his neck. Adrian leans me back on the bed, my head on the pillows as he lies on top of me.

“Tonight she was his,” he says again, and then kisses me thoroughly. His lips tantalize every part of my body. Somehow I feel him everywhere. Our lips the epicenter, but my whole body is under the same assault.

All the feelings from earlier hit me again. They’re harder and stronger, full of excitement and nerves and fear. I push the others aside, making room for more excitement and desire because no matter how scary this is, I’ve never wanted anything in my life as much as I want Adrian right now.

“Please…” slips out of my mouth.

“Whatever you want.” And then he’s pulling my shirt over my head and I’m pushing his up too. He sits up, straddling me and I slide it over his head. His tattoo is there and I want to kiss it but don’t know if I should. Instead I let my hands travel over his tanned skin. Feeling each sinewy muscle as he constricts in what I hope is need.

“You drive me so fucking crazy,” he says before his mouth is on mine again. His weight so deliciously perfect on top of me. I only tense for a second when his hand pushes under the waistband of my sweats and then my panties. Nerves threaten to push in again, but I remember he’s had his mouth on me before and this is Adrian and no matter what, I know he’d never hurt me.

My body arches toward him as he pushes a finger inside. My nails claw at his back as I move with his hand.

His mouth leaves mine long enough to say, “So tight,” before he’s kissing me again. This time down my body, lavishing first one and then my other breast. And we’re moving together as his finger works me. Pleasure is climbing higher and higher inside me. My body yearns to cry out, but I don’t know if I should, so instead I dig my fingers in tighter until I’m coming apart at the seams beneath him.

He leans his body forward and we’re pressed together. I’m sweating and he’s not, but I can’t find it in me to care right now.

“So beautiful.”

“So tired,” I gasp.

“So not done.”

The promise in his voice reignites the fire inside me. Adrian stands up, his hands going for the button on his pants.

“Can I?” I ask, thankful I didn’t let myself think about the words before they came out.

“You can do anything you want to me.”

I tremble as I sit up and he waits.

My fingers move slowly as I push his button through the hole. I’m sure he’s used to girls being much better at this, but he doesn’t say anything. Risking a glance at him, I look up and his eyes are just as smoldering, just as intense as they were earlier, maybe more.

Adrian touches my cheek. Pulls the band out of my hair and runs his fingers through it. I work his zipper next, seeing the bulge he’s hiding behind it. My breath catches.

“Keep going, baby. I want you.”

And I do. He steps out of his pants after I push them down and then I hook my hands in his boxer-briefs, sliding those down too. Adrian’s length springs free. This time I almost swallow my tongue. Granted, I don’t have anything to compare it to, but he looks really big.

“You started this. You have to finish it,” he says, so I do. I push his underwear all the way down and he steps out of those too. Fear spikes inside me when he begins to step away, but he only bends down, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and then a square package from there.

Adrian opens it, but this he does for himself. I can’t take my eyes off him as he rolls it down.

He lays me on the bed and takes off the rest of my clothes. Lies down on top of me, and even though there’s space between us, I wonder if he can feel my heart beating.

His fingers drift over me. “Still wet for me,” he says.

“Go slow.” My voice sounds like a plea and I hope it doesn’t scare him.

“Whatever you want.”

And then he’s pushing in. Slow… so very slow and I’m arching toward him, but tensing up too. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

A small burst of pain makes me cry out and Adrian freezes above me. In me.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Little Ghost?” His forehead drops to mine.

“Because it doesn’t change anything. No matter what, I want to be with you.”

He gives me a small nod. A light, soft kiss on my forehead before he starts to move. With each stroke the pain is wiped away and all I feel is pleasure. Adrian. I wrap my arms around his back again. Sweat slicks his skin now and I revel in the fact that I can get him that worked up.

Each time he pulls out, I gasp, wanting to feel him deep again.

Words fill my head. I want to call his name. Want to hear him say mine, but I don’t know if it’s right or if he’ll hear the need for him in my voice, so I don’t say anything. Try to let my body tell him how good this feels. How good he feels as I move with him and clutch the strong muscles of his back.

His lips take my own and all I can think is we’re joined in two incredibly important places. That’s all it takes for the pull to start building in me again. Adrian seems to sense it and moves faster, kisses deeper, and that’s when I can’t hold it back anymore. I bite my lip as wave after wave washes over me.

“Christ,” Adrian hisses, and then he tenses above me. I feel him jerk inside me and know he’s finishing too. Veins spring to life in his neck before he pulls away. I miss the feel of him instantly. I’m scared I’m going to cry. I don’t know why. Don’t know if it’s because that was more than I expected or because as beautiful as it was, there are lies between us because of me. Lies that I need to come clean about before they ruin us both.

I try to stand up, but Adrian says, “Don’t go. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

He disappears into the bathroom and I hear water running. He’s back in a few seconds and I can’t keep my eyes from his gorgeous, naked body.

“Let me clean you.”

It’s so sweet and so unexpected that I’m again scared the tears will come. I try not to be embarrassed as he cleans me with the washcloth. His condom is gone and when he’s done, he puts the washcloth away, turns off the light, and crawls back into bed with me.

He doesn’t touch me at first, making me wonder if he’s going to pull away again. If somehow what was so beautiful to me could have been a mistake for Adrian.

“Come here, my little ghost.” As he says it, he’s pulling me to him, my back to his front, out bodies naked and molding together. He wraps his arm around my waist, his mouth by my ear. All I can do is feel him and hear him. He didn’t just say little ghost… he said my. It’s thrilling and wonderful and another reason to feel guilty all wrapped together.

“Do you want to know more of the story?” he asks, holding me so close.

“Yes.”

“It was about more than just wanting her. The girl… she was amazing. So giving. She gave the man something he didn’t deserve… but he was really thankful. He treasured it.”

In the dark, I let the wetness in my eyes brim over. “What happened next?”

“I don’t know,” he says after what feels like forever. “I don’t know the end.”

Another truth I would prefer over the lie. No promises.

Adrian doesn’t say anything else. I can tell when he falls asleep, when his breathing evens out, his body as relaxed as I’ve ever felt it. But I can’t sleep. Guilt churns inside me.

Quietly I slip out of bed. I grab my short robe from my bag and slip it on before walking over to the window and opening the curtains to look out. Please don’t wake up.

You can see the coldness in the air. I look at the stars. They’re so bright, so never ending and so far away from all the hurt that I envy them.

The tattoo on Adrian’s chest shows in my mind and again the look on his face when he saw the little girl. The pain that is so dark and lonely in his eyes and how when we came together, I could have sworn it disappeared. Tears stream down my face. How can I feel that way when I know it’s a lie? When I know he’ll never be able to look at me without seeing the nephew I took from him, once he finds out?

But I have to tell him. After what just happened, something that I will always treasure, I almost feel dirty. It was like he somehow knew and tried to clean it from me but couldn’t because it’s my secret sin he doesn’t know about.

I wipe my eyes, trying to hold all these feelings at bay. I have to tell him and I don’t deserve to cry before I do it.

“She stands amongst the stars of night…”

When I hear his voice, I jump but don’t turn around. I can’t.

“They look back at her and envy her light. For none of those stars shine as bright as she…”

I don’t move. His words are beautiful music in my head.

“That’s all I can think of right now,” he adds. I don’t know what it is about those words, but they break me. All I can think of is it’s perfect exactly how it is. He doesn’t need more, because I don’t think it can get any better.

I can’t hold back the cry that pulls out of me. It’s not loud and I bury my face in my hand, but still he knows. I feel him behind me, so close but not reaching for me.

“I’m sorry.”

I hate that he thinks I’m crying because of what we did. He might not be able to touch me right now, but I need my hands on him. I turn, grab him around the neck, and bury my face into his chest.

“It’s not because of what we did. I loved being with you.”

Finally he holds me back, squeezes me to him. Probably because I’m breaking down, but the reason doesn’t matter.

“Adrian… I…”

“Shhh. It’s okay.”

Without knowing it, he saves me from telling him I know about Ashton. That my father ruined their lives.

We stand together, holding each other for what feels like hours. Adrian turns to the side so we can both look out the window and watch the stars.

“You’re wrong,” I whisper. “It’s not me who shines so bright. It’s you.”

He doesn’t answer, but I could swear the beat of his heart picks up against my cheek.

Chapter Seventeen

~Adrian~

No matter what’s going on around me, I’ve always known one thing. I show what I want to whoever I want to see it, but my thoughts have always been mine. I may not like where they go sometimes, but I’m good at keeping them locked in there and knowing what they mean.

Right now I have all sorts of shit taking space inside my brain and I don’t know what half of it means. I don’t like that—the loss of control or the mixed feelings and they all stem from the beautiful, naked girl lying upstairs in bed.

I don’t like to be scared. I spent my childhood living in fear and under the control of my dad. I keep my feelings in check because getting close means being afraid and losing that control. The only people I let go with were Angel and Ashton and then I let Ash die and ran from Angel. It’s been easy to keep my distance since then. Even with Colt and Cheyenne, they don’t really know me.

I think I want my little ghost to know me.

I think she already does.

She knows my words, which are part of my soul, a part I’ve never willingly let anyone else see, yet I show them to her. I write them for her. She knows those parts of me—the only parts of me that aren’t a lie.

Would she still be here if she knew the rest?

“Hey, you. You disappeared.”

I turn toward the sound of her voice, rough with sleep. She’s in her pajamas as she approaches me in the corner of the lobby.

There’s a lie there. An excuse waiting to come out, but in this, this one little thing, I choose to give her a truth. At least as much as I can. “Sometimes there’s so much shit going on up here”—I tap the side of my head—“that I have to have some space… or be alone so I can work through it.”

Which probably makes me sound like an asshole. Or weak, but she doesn’t look at me with either of those feelings in her eyes. Not really pity either. Just understanding tinged with sadness.

“Oh… okay. I’ll go back upstairs, then. I don’t want to—”

“Come here.” Looking at her, all sexy from sleep, her lips swollen from my kisses and her skin blushed with red, probably from remembering what we did last night, I wonder why I ever left her. Why I didn’t lose myself in her again instead of everything in my head.

She steps closer. I’m leaning against the wall and I pull her to me. She fits right up against me and damned if she doesn’t quiet some of the voices. Tell her you don’t want space from her.

Instead, I tilt her head up and kiss her. She tastes like cinnamon toothpaste and melts against me, making me smile against her mouth. My hands fit perfectly on her waist as I let my fingers slightly bite into her skin.

“What are you doing to me?” I ask into her ear before pulling away. She opens her mouth as if to reply, but I shake my head. I needed the question out there so she knows what I’m feeling, but I can’t contemplate the answer. Can’t let myself think about the fact that she’s here and I want her to be or that I’m holding her and kissing her when usually those aren’t the things that are important when I’m with a girl. It’s all about the act, but with her it doesn’t feel like an act and that’s another thing that scares the hell out of me, that I don’t want to think about right now.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask her. It’s not like there’s probably that much to do around here, but I want to do something with her. She’s the girl with ghosts in her eyes, but she’s the most level person I know. She deserves a good day and I want one—to pretend I’m just as level as she is.

“Nothing.”

“What?” I kiss her neck as though I have a right to kiss her when I want to. I know I can’t give her more than this. I’ve never wanted to with anyone else. Those things aren’t inside me anymore, but for another day, I think I’d like to pretend. To wear a different façade than the one usually in place. “Nothing?”

I let one of my hands travel up her body and stroke the soft skin of her neck.

“Okay… maybe… I can’t think when you do that.” Her voice is breathy, the way I like it.

“Fine.” I pull back so my mouth isn’t tempted to taste her again, but keep my hands on her.

“Maybe not nothing, but… why don’t we just hang out? Walk around? It’s more of an adventure if you don’t plan it.” She looks down as though those words embarrass her.

“I love how real you are.” I brush my thumb cross her cheek. “You’re honest, but also… so fucking innocent. You’re different than the other girls I know.” She makes me want to be honest with her.

She closes her eyes, making me think I said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. “What’s wrong, Little Ghost?”

Delaney opens her eyes, shadows creeping in on them. For the first time since I was a dumb-ass kid, I want to try and win a battle for someone. I never could growing up, so I learned to stop trying. I don’t like those shadows in her eyes and I wonder if it would be worth it to try again. To go to war with whatever plagues her because at least someone I care about should be happy. Since it won’t be me, I think I’d like it to be her.

“I’m not that honest.”

That’s what she thinks. Her little white lies can’t compare to the ones I live every day.

“Neither am I, so I can’t fault you for that. But you’re innocent and it’s sexy as hell.”

It’s so strange, being with her like this. Being with anyone like this. What I just told her sounds like a line, one I would have used on another girl, but with her it’s true. The words come out without having to think about them or plan them or paste that fake-ass smile on my face.

“Oh God. I can’t believe this is happening.” She covers her face with her hands. It’s still pretty early in the morning, so even though we’re in the lobby of the hotel, it’s empty.

“I never expected…” She shakes her head.

I feel her pulling away. This is where I should open my hands and let her go. Set her free because she deserves to fly and I never will, but instead I touch her hands, gently prying them away from her face. “Don’t think. Don’t stress. Just… laugh until those ghosts disappear from your eyes. They do, ya know? They’re not always there. I can’t make promises, but we’re here now. Let’s just…” Ashton slips his way into my head.

“I Adrian… you Ash.”

“No, no.” I shake my head at him. “You’re Ash.”

“Let’s play. I wanna be like you.”

I remember standing there in awe because this little guy wanted to be me. No one ever envied me for anything. Girls wanted me, Dad liked to hit me, Angel protected me, but here was this little kid who wanted to be me. It was fucking incredible.

“Let’s pretend to be someone else. Pretend we don’t have anything to worry about except right now.” And I need that. I didn’t think I needed anything anymore, but standing here, I realize I do.

“Okay.”

“I’ll make sure you don’t regret it,” I say against her ear. She shivers and it transfers to me. Damn this girl affects me.

We go upstairs to our room. “I need to take a shower,” she tells me.

Yeah. That sounds good to me too. “Want some company?” I ask, and damned if she doesn’t blush.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea if we want to get out of here.”

There’s something else to her voice that tells me not to push it. It has nothing to do with being out of here on time because we don’t have a specific time to go anywhere. She has her boundaries, just like I do, only mine aren’t physical.

I nod, without breaking eye contact so she knows I’m hearing her. I learned that growing up. Even if I don’t understand something or I know it’s a lie, or on those rare occasions I get it and it’s real, look someone in the eye when it’s important. When Mom was hurt, she could never do that. That’s how I knew it was a lie, even if the bruises couldn’t be seen.

While she takes a shower, I unwrap my hand. It’s healed enough that I don’t need to keep the bandage on anymore. Even though my eye isn’t as purple as it was, I still have the strike against me. Having my hand bandaged feels like another one. It’s one of those signs that something’s wrong that people notice but don’t fucking act on.

I don’t want to look like that when I’m with her.

I shower after she does. I come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist. Delaney’s standing by the mirror, looking into the glass, but I know she’s really waiting on me. It’s in the way she stands and the way she turns to look my way and fuck if I don’t get hard seeing her look at me all innocent in nothing but a bra and a pair of jeans.

“What?” I ask her.

“That was ridiculous, right? We had sex last night and we both needed to shower. I could have…”

“Don’t.” I step toward her and she looks up at me. This girl does something to me. Makes my gut twist and makes me feel on edge. I’m not stupid enough not to understand it. Not to get that I’m falling for her when I’ve never fallen for anyone else in my life, but I know I have nothing to give her either. Not permanently.

“Don’t what?” she asks.

“Don’t ever feel like you have to do something because I want it, okay? If I’m pushing you, tell me to fuck off and don’t ever feel bad about that. I’ll respect the hell out of you for it.”

I know it’s Dad’s fault and I will always hate the bastard for what he did to Mom, but there’s a part of me who’s angry at Mom too. I don’t get why she couldn’t tell him no. Why she couldn’t sneak away with me and Angel the same way my sister had the guts to leave. Even when I flirt or make my intentions obvious, I never want a girl to think I’m pushing myself on her, the way Dad did with Mom.

“I know you would never try to force me into doing something I don’t want to. It just feels…”

“Like it doesn’t matter.” I trace the swells of her breasts with my fingers. Palm their heavy weight, covered by cool satin. “We have time, if you want to. If not… well, hopefully you’ll let me have a taste again. Will you, Little Ghost?” I pinch her nipples and she cries out. “Will you let me?”

“Yes…”

Jesus, she’s hot. I kiss her forehead, then her lips. “If you want to leave this hotel room, you really need to get dressed right now.”

Then she fucking giggles and it’s so crazy. I’ve never been one to go for girls who giggle, but it’s different with her. And even though she’s happy, I know she still has clouds in her life. She doesn’t smile as much as she should and damned if it doesn’t feel good to give her that. I’m suddenly trying to think of ways to do it again, which is just another of those strange things I have to file away in my brain.

“So sweet… so innocent,” I tell her before I pretend to nip at her neck, which makes her laugh again before backing up. As much as I want to keep going, to kiss her again, I don’t.

We make it out of the hotel a few minutes later. We’re in one of those little towns that look perfect like the one I grew up in. I wonder what secrets it hides, because they all have them.

It’s cold, so we’re both bundled up. There’s a sign on a pole outside a Winter Celebration, and even though I’ve never been to something like that in my life, and I’m honestly not real excited about the idea right now, I think it’s something she would like.

“What about this?” I ask. Happiness eclipses any of the remaining shadows in her eyes and I know I asked the right question.

“Really?” she asks, and she looks so fucking happy that it almost makes me feel happy too. Or maybe it does and it’s too hard for me to admit it, but I think I’d do just about anything to hold on to that feeling.