Текст книги "Facade"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Chapter Twenty

~Delaney~

In the morning, I don’t have to open my eyes to know I’m alone in the bed. The knowledge adds another weight to the anchor already holding me down. I should be floating. Part of me is. I love Adrian. I really, really do. And he didn’t freak out when I told him. He didn’t say it back and I didn’t expect him to. Maybe I’m even partly glad he didn’t because I wouldn’t want him to admit something like that with the weight of my betrayal between us.

But he didn’t run and the words he spoke were the most beautiful to ever touch my ears. Love and life and all the things that matter in this world live inside Adrian and he’s shown me those pieces of him. I want to honor them and treasure them and lock them away in my heart forever.

Live inside me, he’d said, and I want to be there, the way he already inhabits me.

Which means I have to tell him right away and hope there is some way to salvage what we have between us. Because I know when I do, he might hate me. Odds are he will.

The door to our room clicks and I know it’s absolutely ridiculous, but I keep my eyes closed, not ready to see him. But it’s hard, so very hard because my heart is calling to him and I want to soak in every part of him that I can.

The bed dips next to me and his hand pushes the hair away from my face.

“Don’t open your eyes,” he whispers, which immediately makes them pop open. “I knew you would cheat.” He winks at me.

My heart flips, the way he tossed those perfect pancakes into the air.

He’s not perfect, but he’s sexy and beautifully broken, inspiring and passionate and everything at the same time.

“It’s impossible not to open your eyes when someone tells you not to,” I say.

“Then close your eyes.” His hand moves to my forehead and then slides down, as though it is magical, making my eyes obey.

There’s a rustling sound. My lips stretch into a smile and happiness bursts inside me, sending confetti all through me at the sweet scent that hits my nose.

“Open your eyes now, Little Ghost.”

I do and they fill with tears. I don’t try to stop them as they roll down my face and soak into the pillows we slept on last night.

“You bought me a caramel apple?” My voice cracks.

“Not to make you cry.” He wipes my tears and holds it out to me. “You wear your emotions so openly. That’s a gift. Don’t ever lose that.”

“I won’t.” I can hardly get the words out as I sit up and take the apple from him.

He opens another for himself and we lean against the headboard and eat caramel apples for breakfast, me still naked and him cold from braving the weather.

“Tell me more about you and your father,” he says.

As much as the ache in my stomach hurts with his question, I want to share all of my life with him too. “Maddox used to play football. He was incredible. It was his and Dad’s thing… That stopped all of a sudden. I don’t know why, but then Dad started paying more attention to me. I thought I was lucky. Everything he ever told us was a lie, though. I hate that I looked up to him.” This could maybe be the perfect time to tell him, but it doesn’t feel right to do it here. To tell him away from home where he doesn’t have his friends or anything else familiar to hold on to.

“At least with my old man, I always knew he was a bastard. He only hid it from the world, but not us.”

“Maddox has always been there for me, though. He would do anything for me… maybe that’s not always a good thing. He never does anything for himself and he carries too much blame for things that aren’t his fault.”

I expect Adrian to make a sarcastic comment. It’s not like Maddox made the best impression. The only time they’ve really met, he punched Adrian for no reason. Still, Adrian doesn’t let anything negative past his lips.

“He’s solid, then. Does the right thing for the people he loves. It’s so much fucking easier to be weak.”

“You’re not weak,” I tell him. Maybe it’s not the right thing to say. Maybe I’m not supposed to realize he’s talking about himself, but I do and I hate it. Nerves twitch around inside me, but I ignore them. Turn to him and crawl onto his lap, straddle him, the apple in one hand, and hook a finger of the other under his chin like he’s done to me, so I make sure he’s seeing me. “You are so much more than you see, Adrian.”

“You’re naked and on my lap, baby. It’s not like I’m looking anywhere but at you.” He grins and I know he’s trying not to really hear what I’m saying.

“I’m being serious. I’m not letting you deflect this. You’re like this live energy that gets under my skin. You make me feel alive. You show me beauty in everything. You brought me a caramel apple,” I say again.

“I’ll buy you one every day if it makes you look at me like that,” he says, and then leans toward me. “And if I get to lick the caramel off your lips.” And he does. Then we make love again before I ask him to shower with me.

“If anyone could wash away my sins, it would be you,” he says.

Those words grind my heart to dust. “Adrian.”

He shakes his head, changes the subject. “I’ll introduce you to shower sex.”

He does and it’s wonderful. I’m achy in so many places, but it’s a good ache. A satisfied ache that I welcome. And then it’s over and I miss every part of it.

All too soon we’re packing our clothes to go home. There are a million reasons we have to go back. I can’t fake sick another night at work and Maddox is likely to lose it if I don’t come home. Adrian has a life to get back to as well. We have to go home so I can tell him and earn his forgiveness. But so badly I want to open my mouth and tell him Let’s stay. That I don’t want to go back.

“It’s back to the real world when we leave this room, Little Ghost.”

“You read my mind. I wish we could lock ourselves in here and never come out.”

He nods as though he agrees and kisses me on the forehead. Without the words, I know what he’s saying. What he’s thinking. There are no promises when we leave. Especially once he learns the truth.

* * *

Adrian pulls up next to his car at my apartment complex. Maddox’s motorcycle is here and I can honestly see him coming down and taking another shot at Adrian. Even though Adrian gets it, I don’t think he would be so understanding a second time.

“I’d invite you up, but…”

“Yeah. I’m a little too tired to fight your brother today.”

We get out of the car. Adrian tosses his bag into the passenger seat and I stand on the sidewalk, waiting, unsure of what to do or where we are. He looks at me and I think he’s wondering the same thing. Finally a partial smile teases his kissable lips and he says, “Come here.” Only he’s walking to me as he says it. Our mouths meet perfectly as I stand on the curb and him in the parking lot.

I wish I could taste the caramel on his tongue. Savor the feel as he deepens the kiss and weaves his hand through my hair.

“What are you doing in the morning?” I ask him when we part. “I was thinking I could come over when I get off…” Because I need to talk to you. Because I’m telling you the truth.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I’ll call you.”

He’s pulling away, but I won’t let him. I can’t. No matter what, I have to go to his house in the morning.

“I love you,” I tell him. “I really do.” It’s different saying it after sex, I think. I want him to know it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with him.

“You honor me,” he says before walking back to his car… and then he’s gone.

Maddox jerks me into his arms the second I walk through the door. He squeezes me so tight I can hardly breathe.

“Jesus Christ, don’t you ever do that to me again, Laney. You hear me? Fuck Dad, fuck Mom. You and me, okay? Don’t pull that disappearing shit again. We have to stick together.”

Guilt wraps its hand around me and squeezes, even tighter than my brother is. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to worry. I left you a note.”

At that he pulls away. “Fuck notes too. I don’t know that bastard and you write a letter telling me you’re leaving with him and then don’t answer your phone? Christ, I would never forgive myself if I let something happen to you.”

I shake my head and step in front of him when he tries to turn away. They’re so much alike and he doesn’t even know it. In another life, before my father, they would have been friends.

“I’m a grown woman, not your kid. Nothing happened. Adrian wouldn’t hurt me. I can’t help but think it would be a different story if you disappeared with some girl for a couple days.”

“First, when do I ever disappear with a girl? If I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be with someone who had a family member six feet in the ground because of our father.” His words make my stomach turn. The apartment stinks like cigarettes and I realize he’s been smoking inside. Probably the whole time I’ve been gone.

“I’m sorry. Not for leaving, but I should have called you. It wasn’t okay for me to let you worry. But… it’s not your job to take care of me, Maddy. I’m a big girl. You need to realize that.”

The way his eyes narrow when he looks at me, I know something happened. Know there’s more to it than the fact that I disappeared with Adrian.

“The same way it isn’t your job to take responsibility for Mom? To feel responsible for her not giving a shit about anything except herself? To try and make things better for her when she’s the one who owes you?”

“What happened, Maddox?”

“She was never right to you. She was always jealous. What kind of mother is jealous of her own fucking daughter? She left you to find her bleeding on the bathroom floor. It should have been me. I should have had to deal with that and not you.”

My heart rate spikes. “What happened?” My voice comes out louder than I meant.

Maddox paces the living room now. “You’re just like me, little sister. You say I can’t let go and that I take responsibility, but what do you do? You take her abuse when she yells at you for saving her life and you take care of her and you try to help her and you drag us here to meet some guy who’s probably even more fucked up than we are. Or if he’s not now, he will be when he knows the truth.”

“Stop it!” I grab his arms to keep him still. “You’re trying to hurt me and that’s not okay. What happened to Mom?”

“She didn’t give a shit, what else? Her mandatory thirty days was up, so she left. She knows I don’t care about her, but she doesn’t call you, the one who is still trying to save her, but she called me.”

Flashes of her on that bathroom floor four years ago pop into my head. Of how she must have looked in that hallway on this new suicide attempt. How small she was in that hospital bed. “What happened?”

“I hung up on her.”

Oh my God. “Maddox! Where is she?”

He collapses onto the couch, elbows on his knees, hands in his hair, and sighs. “I tried not to fucking go, but I couldn’t help it. She’s at home. I saw her there, but I didn’t talk to her. I knew you’d be freaked out. There’s nothing we can do. She’s an adult. She’s home. Is that going to stop you from trying to save her?”

I feel the pull. She’s my mom and she just got out of the hospital after trying to kill herself.

And she called Maddox, not me. She told me she doesn’t want my help.

I fall onto the couch next to my brother. My best friend. “Why does she hate me?”

He curses. Wraps an arm around me. “I don’t know, but it’s her issue. I think it was just… Dad started to favor you and she took that as a slight. Then with everything that happened… Knowing that no matter how much she loved him, he obviously didn’t give a shit. I think it was easier to lash out at you, but that doesn’t make it fucking right. She’s your mom and it was always her job to love you.”

“I know…” And I do. I didn’t make him treat me differently. I didn’t make him lie, gamble. I didn’t put him in the car with another woman when he was driving that day.

“Laney… I’m sorry, my baby girl. Daddy loves you,” he told me as I stood next to the cell talking to him. Maddox was back in the corner, wouldn’t come near him, looking at him with angry eyes that haven’t left him ever since. And he didn’t even try to get Maddox to forgive him. Why didn’t he try?

“Delaney! Let’s go.” Mom grabs my hand and pulls me away.

“Why didn’t he try to get you to forgive him, Maddox? Why did he only ask me?”

Every muscle in my brother’s body stiffens. Things that should have clicked into place a long time ago start fitting together now.

“Why didn’t he ask you, Maddy? Why didn’t you ask the same questions I did?”

Why did he and Dad stop playing ball together before any of that happened… Maddox was angrier before that too… and that’s when Dad started getting closer to me.

“What are you doing, Delaney? Why are you spending so much time alone with your father? It’s not right, at your age. He should be with Maddox when he’s home. He doesn’t even play football with your brother anymore. You’re taking him away from your brother.”

“You knew…” whispers out of my mouth. “Didn’t you? Somehow you found out. You knew about the affairs. What about the gambling? Did you know about that too?” That his work trips weren’t work related. That he disappeared with the woman who would be in the car with him when he killed Adrian’s nephew. That there would be debts and secrets that would change all our lives.

Maddox jerks away from me. “He used to fucking take me with him when he gambled and I thought it was cool. That we’d go away and it was a secret you and Mom didn’t know. I didn’t realize there was anything wrong with it—it had been happening since I was a kid! But then things started getting worse and he would have to go more because he wasn’t winning. That’s the first time I realized something was wrong and then I met her.”

Oh my God. My brother met the woman?

“That was it. That’s when I knew it wasn’t okay, him screwing around on Mom. It felt like a lie to all of us. He fucking bribed me not to tell and I didn’t. Where would my college money come from? All I ever wanted was football, Laney.”

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

“But he told me he was done. I couldn’t keep his fucking secrets anymore and he told me it stopped, but it didn’t. He started getting closer to you and then Mom started getting pissed at you, and I had to have fucking known it was still happening. I would have had to be stupid not to, but I kept my mouth shut. What if I would have told? Or threatened to tell? Would he have stopped? Would that kid still be alive? Would Mom have dealt better and not treated you like shit?”

It’s suddenly too much. A scream builds up inside me. “I hate this! I’m so tired of all the fucking lies and secrets!” Guilt and pain. “When will it end?”

“I’m sorry, Laney. So sorry I screwed up.” Maddox is moving toward the door. The pain in his voice slices through me. I grab his arm, barely getting it, but knowing if I don’t hold on, he’ll be gone.

“It’s not your fault! You were sixteen when everything happened. Younger even when you found out. You were a kid! It was Dad’s fault.” And Mom’s after.

“After I told you that, you still want to save me? First Mom, then Adrian, and now me? If you’re smart, you’ll leave us all the hell alone and save yourself.”

With that he pulls his arm out of my hand and slams the door.

I need to go find my brother…

I need to check on my mom…

I need to tell Adrian…

All I wanted to do was save us, one of us… and I probably just lost us all.

Chapter Twenty-One

~Adrian~

I’m sitting in the car with Oscar and a few other people wishing they would shut the fuck up. Each word they speak or each time they laugh it’s like someone shooting a BB gun at my head. It’s not killing me yet, just an annoying fucking ache that’s driving me insane. That eventually I think will kill me.

I need a distraction. To keep me busy and my mind off my ghost. After being in the hotel room, remembering how peaceful it felt, how much like a fucking home, they called and wanted to come over and I remembered that room and thought of my house and I wished like hell I could make it like that.

That my walls weren’t tinged with weed smoke and beer stains weren’t ground into my carpet. For the first time I wanted it to be my solace and the idea of people fucking in rooms and dancing on the floors made me sick.

Now sitting in this car with them is doing the same thing.

I didn’t want to go to her. I need to cut the ties because I feel her in my chest and it’s not right to have anyone there. Not when I can’t do right by them.

“Why the fuck are you so quiet up there, Westfall?” some guy in the backseat says.

I don’t even know who he is. “Why the fuck do you care?”

Oscar laughs from the driver’s seat. “He’s always got that quiet thing going on. No one ever knows what he’s thinking.”

I don’t know what it is about those words, but they make me want to hit something. They make me want to bleed because they’re true and I’ve always wanted them to be true, but Christ is it lonely. I want to be alone…

And I do. I did. But I haven’t felt it lately. Not when I’m with her.

Suddenly every fucking nerve ending in my body needs to be with her. To really feel something. I never, ever let myself feel. Yes, I loved my sister, but only her. And then Ashton. Jesus, I fucking loved him, but Delaney makes me feel.

And it’s an ache building inside me, a need tearing me apart, wrecked by this tornado of what it felt like to be touched by her. Inside and out.

“I need you to bring me somewhere,” I tell Oscar.

“What? Where?”

I tell him and he looks at me like he gets it, but he doesn’t. He thinks I’m going to get laid, but what he doesn’t understand is sitting in that diner, watching her work, writing in my book would be better than this shit.

I’m over it. So fucking over it.

I know it won’t last and I know I can’t really keep her, but while she’s willing, I want to keep this going.

Oscar pulls into the parking lot and I get out. When I don’t see her car I tell him, “Hold up for a minute.”

“Hey.” Jamie, the hostess, smiles at me when I walk inside.

“What’s up?” I nod at her, but my eyes are scanning for Delaney, for her gray eyes and sexy smile.

“She’s not here. She called in again. Between you and me, boss is pissed. Three days in a row. I wouldn’t be surprised if she loses her job.”

“It’s not her fault,” I tell Jamie before walking out. I check my phone and she hasn’t called and then I wonder what the hell I’m doing, tripping out because I haven’t heard from her and she didn’t go to work. She’s an adult. She can do what she wants and doesn’t owe me a damn thing.

I get back in the car. “Take me home, man,” I tell him.

He curses and says something about being a taxi.

“I’ll remember that next time you want to party at my house.”

He drives and they go back to listening to music and talking about shit that really doesn’t matter, but the whole time I’m letting my ghost haunt me. Fuck if I didn’t plan on trying to walk away, but then I went to the diner and she’s not there. I can’t stop trying to figure out why she wasn’t there.

It was too much… I was too fucking much.

I shouldn’t care.

But I do and I don’t know what to think about that.

Which is why it’s good she wasn’t there. To cut the ties now…

When we pull up in front of my house, Oscar moves to turn off the car. The thought of sitting in my house with them all night makes me sick. Makes me want to get out of the car and just keep fucking going.

“Not tonight, man. I have some shit to deal with.”

The light in his car is broken, so it doesn’t come on when I open the door. Without giving him time to reply, I get out and close the door behind me. I don’t know what time it is but know it has to be after ten when my ghost goes to work. It’s dark out when I walk up to my house. The closer I get, I realize there’s someone sitting by the door.

The second I see her, I know I’m in deep. Any thought of why I wanted to walk away from her seems crazy. The fact that I considered not going to the diner to see her tonight, fucking nuts.

She’s the rapid pulse in my neck and the welcomed ache in my chest and I want to talk to her and make love to her until there’s nothing else there but us.

I want to protect her. I don’t want to fail her.

Bending down next to her, I touch her hair. She looks up at me, only shadows in the dark of my porch. “What’s wrong, baby?” I ask her.

“How do you know something’s wrong?” Her voice is soft… too soft.

“Because you’re here sitting on my porch in the dark and the freezing cold instead of being at work. Because I can tell you’ve been crying.” Red rings the gray of her eyes. They’re swollen and sad.

Her chin starts to quiver, setting off a storm of worry raining down on me. Her tears rival my rain, so I pick her up and her arms go around my neck.

“I messed up, Adrian. I screwed everything up,” she says into my chest as I push into the house.

“Shhh… it’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” I can’t even explain how incredible it feels to hold her up. To be strong enough for both of us or to be here when she needs me. To be the one she comes to because she trusts me even though I’ve done nothing in my life to deserve anyone’s trust.

Without turning on the lights, I head straight to my room. Once we’re there, I lay her on the bed, switching the button on the small lamp on the table. The Count is sitting there, but it doesn’t matter and I don’t hide it.

“Is it your brother? Was he pissed you left with me? I’ll talk to him—”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I mean, Maddox and I got into it, but it’s not your fault. He told me about Mom getting out of the hospital, and at first he didn’t know where she was… that brought up some other stuff. He left right after that and I haven’t seen him.”

“Shit.” I stroke her hair as she lies on my pillow. All I can think is it’s the first time she’s been in my bed, but it feels like it should be hers too. Or that she has a place there. I like the fact that her head is on Ashton’s shirt. That’s she’s close to him even though she doesn’t know anything about him. “So let’s go find them.” I know this has to be killing her. I’m surprised she’s here now instead of out looking for them. She protects and takes care of the people she loves. It’s what she does and I suddenly feel like shit for being gone all night and keeping her from what she needs to do.

She shakes her head and starts crying harder. Her hands move up, trying to wipe the tears way.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be strong. Break if you need to. Let me help you the way you did with me.”

My words seem to be the wrong thing to say because they upset her more. Finally the tears are slowing and she’s trying to sit up.

“Do you want to go look for them? Need me to help?”

Another shake of her head. “Mom’s at home, last we knew. Maddox told me later. Plus, I need to be here with you. I need to fix things with you. They… I’m where I need to be right now.”

Her words don’t make any sense, but I know it’s big. Know it’s part of whatever brings those ghosts to her eyes. But I can’t figure out what I have to do with any of it. What she thinks she needs to fix with me… Ice crystalizes my spine, giving me this weird feeling where I don’t know if I want to let her speak or kiss her until there’s no room for words between us.

“Adrian.” She reaches forward and puts a hand on my cheek. That ice is spreading. “I wish there was a way for you to see how wonderful you are. You’re smart and you have a poet’s heart and soul and I never expected to fall…” Her voice breaks off, but she pushes through. “To fall in love with you. No matter what, you need to know I truly did. That I do love you.”

My muscles start to spasm. Tighten, cement encasing them. I pull back, letting her hand fall. Wanting to grab it again but unwilling to let myself. I have no clue what the hell’s going on here, but it’s wrong. I feel it. I need her to talk and hold the words back at the same time.

“What are you talking about, Delaney?”

She tries to grab for my hand, but I shake her off.

“No games. What’s going on?”

Delaney takes a deep breath. Her hands shake, but nothing like the earthquake that goes off inside me at the sound of her next whispered words. “I know… I know about Ashton.”

I push off the bed. My heart thunders. My hands fist.

“Find! me! Find me! I hiding!”

Ashton, Ashton, Ashton.

How does she know about him? What does she know?

“You really need to start talking fast.” I’m pacing the room. Suffocating. The walls are getting closer and closer to me. Delaney. My ghost. She knows about Ash.

“I went to see your sister… to see Angel. Maddox told me not to, but I just… It was close to the anniversary and…”

Her words start fading out, but I man the fuck up and find a way to keep listening to her. She knows my sister.

“It was something I wanted to do for a long time. I just didn’t know how to do it. Just to say I’m sorry. Just to try and, shit, I don’t know what I wanted to do.”

She’s talking fast. Questions are rapid firing in my brain. Why would she need to apologize?

“I couldn’t believe it when she forgave me. That we were okay and I thought… after that I thought things would somehow be better. And then Mom tried to kill herself again and it suddenly didn’t feel like enough anymore.” Fear darkens her voice. “I had to do something to help make it right. I don’t know. I guess if I thought I earned your forgiveness, everything would start to be better.”

Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.

“Forgiveness for what?” The words struggle to squeeze past my lips through my tensed jaw.

“Play! Play with me!”

“Just a minute, Ash. I’m making a phone call. We have to celebrate.”

“Cel-bate!”

“When we first came here, I thought… I thought I could try to find you and we could talk and I would tell you everything that happened and how much I hate that my—”

My insides shatter at that. No, not even shatter, they turn to dust, blow away, lonely and lost. “When you first came here you thought you would talk to me? You fucking came here looking for me! Looking for me and you didn’t say anything? Was this all some kind of fucking game to you?”

“What? No.” She pushes off the bed and tries to step toward me. She’s shaking all over, but I’m still so confused. How the hell does she know about Ash, and why is she acting like it has anything to do with her?

“Don’t. Finish talking.”

“I’m going to tell you everything now, Adrian. I promise. But I need to explain something first. I thought maybe we could help each other. Maybe… it would bring us some kind of closure to talk to each other, but then I wasn’t sure if I should tell you and the longer I waited the harder it was because you turned into more than just the guy whose life was tied to mine in tragedy. You became… everything.”

I stop. My feet won’t move. I can’t walk as I turn my head to look at her. I feel nothing right now. Empty. Hollow. “How are we tied together? What the fuck ties us together that has to do with Ashton?”

Her eyes are soft and pleading, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t trust them.

“Don’t fucking play games with me. Tell me.”

Her eyes water again and there’s a part of me that wants to go to her. That wants to try and fix it, but I can’t. Not after this. Not when I know it’s somehow about to get a whole lot worse.

“My dad was supposed to be working out of town… but he wasn’t working. He was with his girlfriend.”

Two occupants in the car. Caucasian male driver and a woman.

“Where were they? Tell me where they were.” I feel like I’m cracking apart. One minute I can’t move and the next I can’t stay still. She hasn’t said anything, but I don’t need her to. I know. I fucking know, but I need to hear it, too, even though I don’t want to hear it.

She nods. Tears stream down her reddened cheeks. Her ghosts have multiplied, reflecting in each and every one of those tears. “I’m sorry, Adrian. I’m so very sorry.”

I fall back against the wall. It holds me up. The room blurs. “Say it. I need you to say it.” I don’t know where the words came from. How I got them the hell out.

“Adrian.”

“Say it!” I yell.

“My dad… it was him. He was going too fast. He’d been drinking. His girlfriend distracted him.”

I’m shaking. Rocking back and forth. “And?” “What are we going to do tonight? I need out of the house.” I lean against the door while I stand on the porch. I look over at Ash as he walks around the front yard.

“They were messing around. They weren’t paying attention around the curve. They drove into the yard. And…” A cry breaks free. I can hardly understand her as she speaks. “And he hit him. He hit Ashton.”

A scream jerks out of me. I yell until my throat burns. My legs collapse from under me. My head drops back against the wall as I sit there, legs out in front of me. There’s nothing left. I’m gone…

All this time, Delaney knew.

“Chase! Let’s play chase!”

I look over at Ashton and he smiles. It hits me in the chest, the way he looks at me. It always does. Like I’m the king of the fucking world or something. “I gotta go,” I say into the phone.

“Yay! Let’s play, Daddy!”

Tires wail. A car flies toward the yard. Ash’s smile. His big fucking smile and his big brown eyes that I see every time I look in the mirror, looking at me like I can do anything. So fucking happy just because I’m going to play with him. His whole future ahead of him. Happy. He’s so fucking happy as I see the car come at him.

Happy because he thinks we’re about to play. Happy because he loves me even though I don’t deserve it. Happy because he’s perfect, and I didn’t protect that perfect. Because he doesn’t know what’s coming.

“Noooo!” I don’t even make it to the porch stairs by the time the car hits him. His tiny body flies through the air, lands in front of me. Blood… so much blood.

“Nooo!” I fall. Pick his little body up. Broken… he’s so broken. He’s not smiling. He’s gone. That quickly, he’s gone.

I push to my feet as the driver stumbles around my yard. My fist connects with his face over and over. Wanting him to bleed like Ash. People come out of their houses. Rip us apart. Neighbors scream.

“Ash! Ashton! No. Fuck no! It’s not right. He’s okay.” I get out of my neighbor’s hold and run to him. “Let’s play. I’ll find you. Wake up. I’ll find you if you wake up.”

“Adrian?” Delaney’s voice is quiet next to me. She’s kneeling beside me, her hand on my shoulder. “Adrian? Are you okay?”