Текст книги "Charade"
Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
~CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE~
Colt
I’ve never really felt like an upstanding guy. Especially when I’m taking money from someone and giving them drugs, but I feel even more like shit after my talk with Chey.
I try not to think about it as I make the guy drive me back home. One of the people I was supposed to meet didn’t show. I should have taken my own fucking car. I don’t know why I even rode with Cheyenne to the coffee house.
Without going in the house, I stuff the extra baggie in my trunk. I jump in my piece-of-shit and head to my mom’s. It wasn’t planned to go over there, but I need to see her.
“Hey. I didn’t expect to see you today.” She gives me a weak smile as I walk in.
“I couldn’t stay away.” I give her a kiss and then sit on the arm of the couch. “How you doing today?”
It’s dark purple under her eyes and her lips are cracked from being so chapped.
“I’m good. How are you?”
Instead of answering her I say, “You look dehydrated. Are you drinking enough?” I get up to go into the kitchen, but her sigh stops me.
“It’s hard to hold it down.”
My heart seizes. “Water?”
“Yeah…It’s been a couple hours since I tried some. Maybe a few sips.”
She’s only doing it for me. I hope like hell it doesn’t make her sick because I know she needs it.
I head to the kitchen and get her a small glass of ice water and then another cup filled with only ice.
“Do you want to suck on an ice cube instead?” It’s probably a stupid fucking thing to ask, but it makes sense to me.
“Yeah, that might help.” She reaches a shaky hand toward me and I try not to flinch. “Maggie had me do that earlier.”
That’s good. Maybe it’s not so stupid then.
She sucks on the ice cube for a few minutes and we’re silent. I can’t stop myself from watching her even though it’s actually the last place my eyes want to be. Seeing her like that makes me want to empty everything in my stomach. Makes my chest fucking ache like someone’s embedded a knife there and won’t stop twisting it.
“I think I need to lie down. Do you want to go and talk to me in there?”
I nod, her words shoving the knife deeper.
Once I lift her frail body into the bed, I sit next to her. She grabs my hand and it’s so small. So thin I feel like I might break it if I tighten my grip. I want to spend as much time with her as I can, but I almost feel guilty too. Like I wear her out. It’s hard to always see her in bed or put her there.
“What are you really doing here today, Colton?” She rolls to her side and looks up at me. She looks tired. So fucking tired.
“What? I can’t come see you whenever I want? I’m here almost every day.”
She gives me a look that says I should have the answer to that question. “I’m your mama. I know all.” Another small smile. “Your eyes are a million miles away. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Christ, I know it makes me sound like a pussy, but all I can wonder is how the hell I’m supposed to get by without her. What the purpose is to keep going if people as good as her have such a shitty life. The only thing she has to count for it is me and how sad is that? I’m in college, though I hate it. It’s my third year and I’m still taking gen-ed classes, not sure what to even do. I’m a drug dealer, drink too much, have a bad mouth and am screwing a girl who just lost her mom, while trying to pretend I’m doing it for her when it’s really just because she feels so damn good.
When I don’t answer she continues. “You should see how that girl looks at you. I’m glad I got to witness it.”
Her words couldn’t make me feel any more like shit because Chey and I aren’t even serious. Are we?
“It’s not what you think.”
“Or maybe you don’t want to admit it,” Mom counters.
I try not to argue with her because she’s good as hell at it, even during times like this when I know she’s wrong.
“All I want in this world is for you to be happy, Colton. You deserve it and I know you think you don’t, but you do. If she can make you happy, you grab onto that. You grab her and never let go.”
My eyes actually start to fucking sting. Happy. What the hell is that? Can Chey make me happy? Am I happy now? Is it happiness when I laugh with her? Push inside her?
“I…” Nothing else comes out though.
Mom squeezes my hand with more strength than I would think she had. “I still want my tattoo, you know? I expect you to get it for me.”
My chest loosens slightly at the change of subject. “You don’t want a tattoo. I know you don’t.”
“Maybe I used to not, but I do now.”
I shake my head at her. I can’t imagine trying to get her into a tattoo parlor or her sitting there while someone gave her ink.
“I need to go.” I push to my feet, fully aware there was no point in this visit.
“Okay. I’m glad you came to see me.”
“Me too.” I give her a kiss and then walk to the door. I hear Maggie in the other room, so I know she’s not here alone. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”
I turn to look at her.
“Are you happy, Colton?” she asks. “I know I’m sick and it’s hard…but are you happy?”
My throat is squeezed so tight I don’t know if I can answer her. Such a simple fucking question, but I don’t have a reply. Not one that I really feel.
I squeeze the door handle. “Yeah, Mom. Of course I’m happy.”
***
My heart jackhammers as I drive through town. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing, I just know I need to get away. I head to the outskirts of town, this little ghetto park hidden in the middle of nowhere that no one uses.
And pace.
I fucking pace and I don’t know why. I just hear Cheyenne telling me I’m better than what I do and Mom asking if I’m happy. All she fucking wants is for me to be happy and I can’t even give her the truth on that.
But I want to. For the first time I realize I want it for her and I want it for me. I don’t want to be that piece of shit pot dealer who leaves his girl to sell drugs. I don’t want to have mom look at me like I’m her favorite person in the fucking world, but know she wants more for me than what I’m doing too. She knows. She has to know what I do or who I am.
My phone buzzes. One look tells me it’s someone wanting weed. The phone flies out of my hand, against a tree and busts apart. Busts in a million pieces like I’m doing right now.
Tears fall down my face and I hate that, but at the same time hope they can cleanse me. Somehow absolve me from my sins.
I feel like nothing. I don’t know who I am or what I want, but I keep pushing through with my shitty ass attitude while my dying mom hopes for more for me.
Do I ever feel like anything?
Yeah, when I’m with her. Or with Cheyenne. Holding her or kissing her or protecting her from the demons in her head.
I want that. I can’t believe I want her. Really want her, but what do I have to offer?
I let loose. Scream and I know it’s crazy. Hell maybe I am cracking up, but I try and let it all out of me. Push it out because I’m tired of fucking feeling this way.
I want her. I want something. I don’t know what, but I don’t want this, standing in the middle of nowhere and cracking up.
I’m tired. So fucking tired of fighting it and feeling this way—whatever the hell way it is. I lie about everything. I’m a dick to everyone. I can’t even truthfully answer the question “are you happy”. But she sees more in me. They both do.
My feet start to carry me back to the car. I don’t know where I’m going or what I plan to do when I get there.
Actually, I do.
I’m going to Cheyenne. I need her.
I’m not a block down the street when I see the red and blue flashing lights in my rearview window. All I can think about is the weed in the trunk of my car.
~CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX~
Cheyenne
My phone rings a couple hours after Colt leaves. I fumble for it thinking it’s either him or Aunt Lily (who is still blowing up my phone), but see a number I don’t recognize. I almost put the phone back down, but something makes me answer it. “Hello?”
“Cheyenne?”
I recognize the voice instantly. I jump up out of bed. “Bev. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it Colt?”
She chuckles and it sounds like a sicker, more feminine version of Colt. It makes me sad and smile at the same time.
“No, no. Nothing’s wrong. Unless you count the fact that I’m dying.”
My heart stops. Words completely lost. How do I reply to that?
“Not today, though. Today I want you to do a favor for me.”
My breathing picks back up again. “Absolutely. Anything.”
Happiness sprouts inside me. I’m honored she would come to me and I don’t even know what she wants. The woman has only met me once, yet when Colt is obviously unavailable, she comes to me.
“I want to get a tattoo.”
I stumble. That wasn’t what I expected at all. “Umm…okay?”
Another laugh and it may sound ridiculous, but I already miss Bev. I can’t imagine being Colt and knowing I’m going to lose her. It was different with my mom and I still can’t get over it. We weren’t close and she forgot about me more than she thought about me, but your parent is always your parent. Colt has this loving, awesome woman as his mom and he’s watching her wither away.
“I know it sounds crazy…especially given all the trouble I’ve given Colton over them. Our biggest argument we ever had was when he came home with his first tattoo at seventeen.”
I sit on the bed, hoping she’ll tell me the story.
“Thinks he’s big and tough that one, but he knew I would be pissed. That’s why he got it on his back. Tried to hide it. He may think he’s good at lot of things, but getting something by me isn’t one of them. I know my son and I knew the minute he came home that he’d done something he knew I wouldn’t like.”
“What happened?” I find myself asking.
“Well at first I didn’t know what it was, but I could tell he was nervous. He may think he is, but he’s not a good liar. I spent the evening watching him and I noticed him flinch when he leaned against the back of the couch. Don’t tell him I told you, but he’s not real good with pain either.”
I laugh, thinking of a younger Colt trying to hide a tattoo from Bev. “How did you figure it out?”
“Walked right over to him, made him stand and pulled his shirt up, of course.”
This makes me laugh harder. Soon Bev joins in, but then starts to cough. I can tell she’s out of breath. “Are you okay?”
She sighs. “Okay as I’ll ever be. Cheyenne…I want to do this. I feel the need to do it and I don’t want to wait.”
Two things hit me. First, if she doesn’t want to wait, she doesn’t think she has much time. My chest feels empty at the thought and my eyes begin to sting.
And second. Colt doesn’t approve. That’s why she’s coming to me. There’s no other reason that makes sense.
“Bev…”
“Please. Do you know how it feels to be a grown woman and have to beg for help for something like this? I want it. I need it and Colt is stubborn. I think…” her voice cracks and I think she might be crying.
“I think he somehow thinks I’ll get better. That I won’t be sick anymore and I’ll regret it. I know I’m not getting better, Cheyenne and I want this.”
I’m crying too now. How is Colt going to handle losing her? He won’t have anyone left.
He’ll have me.
Not that I know if he even wants me.
“You can’t leave. I can’t risk taking you out of the house.”
The silence on the other side of the phone tells me she thinks it’s a lost cause.
“That’s what Maggie said. What’s the difference? I’m dying anyway.”
Those words are the answer I need. They confirm the only decision I can make right now. It helps knowing her nurse is okay with it. “I’ll make it happen, okay? Don’t worry. I’ll do this for you.”
I hang up the phone, scared to death helping Bev is going to make me lose Colt. This isn’t my place. She’s not my mom, but she came to me as a friend. I know what it’s like to need someone and not have anyone there. I won’t let Bev feel that way.
***
It’s going to cost me a lot of money to get this tattoo artist to go to Bev. I can’t even tell them what kind of tattoo she wants or anything, but I find a girl willing to go.
She lost a grandma to cancer.
“I lost my mom too,” I tell her. It’s so crazy. It’s the first time I’ve said the words that way. Said them at all except for the first time I told Colt. They hurt—prick and prod at my insides, but not as much as I thought they would. It’ slowly becoming okay. Well, not okay, but a part of me. Real.
Tammy gives me a sad smile as she packs up all her tattooing equipment.
She follows me over to Bev’s. On the way, I try to call Colt. No answer again. It’s the third time I’ve tried. He’s going to be pissed, but I want to at least tell him what I’m doing.
“Thank you, so much,” I tell Tammy as I lead her toward the building.
“No problem,” the tattooed, pierced woman says.
I knock and Maggie answers the door. She startles a little at the two of us. “Bev called and asked me to come over.”
“Does Colton know?” she asks.
“No. But she wants it. He’ll understand.” I lie. Or I don’t. I don’t know. I think he’ll get it. It’s just a tattoo, but if what Bev said is right then I get what it means to him. If she won’t have the chance to regret it, it really means she’s really dying.
Oh God.
I suddenly feel dizzy. My chest starts to tighten. Am I doing the right thing?
I fight back the panic threatening to take me over. “Can we come in?”
Maggie nods and steps back. We walk around the woman and into the hallway. “She’s in her bedroom.”
“Is she sleeping?” I ask.
“No. Now I see why.” Maggie smiles and I feel a little bit better.
“This is okay?” What if something I do hurts her?
As if she knows where my thoughts are going, Maggie grabs my hand. “It’s not going to hurt her. A lot of people do things like this toward the end. It’s a way to honor their living and feel like she’s keeping him with her.
Him.
It has to do with Colt.
Stupid tears threaten to come again. I don’t know why the hell I’m crying so much.
Would my mom have gotten a tattoo for me if she knew she was dying?
Is it selfish of me to wonder that right now?
Maggie leads us to Bev’s room. She’s sitting up in bed, a hat on her bald head. My heart seizes seeing her. She’s so sick, it’s surprising she can even sit up right now.
“Hey.” I walk over and give her a hug. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but I know I can’t imagine doing anything else. “This is Tammy. She’s going to give you some ink.” I wink, trying to sound light.
Tammy looks nervous as she shakes Bev’s hand. “Nice to meet you. Do you know what you want?”
Bev nods. Tears almost come again when she tells Tammy what she wants. The tattoo artist smiles and starts to prepare her equipment. I watch as she opens all new packages—even new paper towels and cloth. She sets out ink and cleaner, explaining she only brought a few colors.
That’s okay, Bev tells her. She only needs black.
I hold Bev’s left hand while Tammy tattoos her right wrist. She doesn’t flinch at all, sits there strong eyes glued to Tammy while she works. I can’t stop myself from looking at her. I bet she was beautiful. I’m sure her hair was blonde like Colt’s. He has her smile. The dimple I love, though I think hers is deeper. Because she’s so skinny or if it was always that way, I don’t know.
I see pride simmering off her while Tammy works. See how happy she is. How honored she is to be doing this for her boy.
For Colt.
I think she might be the most incredible mom in the world. This woman who has been through so much, but she’s still here. My mom who hadn’t been through nearly as much, but wasn’t.
Both gone or dying too early, one with nothing to repent, but suddenly I’m angry. Angry about my mom and so honored by Colt’s.
Funny… I’m not mad at her though. For her. Because she missed seeing me the way Bev sees Colt. Because she was taken when she still had so many years to change. What if she’d changed?
“All done.” Tammy’s gloves snap as she removes them. Bev doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. For a second I’m afraid I did the wrong thing. That she does regret it or Tammy did something wrong, but then she looks up at me. Tears glittering from her purple ringed eyes and I know those tears aren’t of regret. They’re of love and happiness.
“It’s beautiful.” Bev tries to smile between her tears.
She’s not my mom and I hardly know her, but I hug her. Tight. Hug her like my mom had hugged me the last time I saw her. Did that mean she knew she would never see me again? Right now, it doesn’t matter. Nothing does besides Bev and love for her son and the look of pride on her face.
I hug her so tight I’m afraid I’ll break her, but I can see she knows she’s done something today. To her, no matter how small this is, it’s something huge for her. Now Colt isn’t only a part of her heart, but he’s engraved into her skin too.
“Thank you. So much for helping me do this,” she whispers in my ear.
“Absolutely. I’m glad I could.”
I pull away and see that Tammy isn’t in the room. I’m wiping tears and Bev’s wiping tears.
“How much do I owe her?” she asks and I shake my head.
“Don’t worry about it—”
“No—”
It’s the least I can do. For her. For Colt. “Please. Don’t worry about it.”
Bev squeezes my hand. “I’m tired. I need to rest.” Her eyes are already fluttering closed.
“Okay. We’ll tell Maggie how to care for it. She’ll have to come in and wrap it,” I tell her, not sure she even heard me. When I’m a couple steps from the bed, her voice stops me.
“I’m glad he has you.”
I leave before I break down in front of her. He does have me. I only wish I knew if he wanted me or not.
Tammy’s waiting for me when I get to the living room. “How much do I owe you?”
A tattooed hand wipes a tear away on her own face. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
***
I can’t sleep. Andy’s snoring in the bed next to mine. The room is dark, my cell phone gripped tightly in my hand. I’ve called Colt a million times today and no answer. We left each other earlier. I called before and after the tattoo. Nothing.
I would try Adrian, but I don’t have his number. Would go over there, but don’t know if that’s too, “stalker-girlfriend.” He doesn’t have to call me. There’s no rule, but he usually does or we’re together.
I roll over in the bed, knowing sleep won’t come. Knowing if I try dreams of Mom dying, of being in the dark or of Bev’s sick face will haunt me.
So I lay here and let my thoughts haunt me instead.
Rolling over, I pull the picture from under the mattress holding it in the opposite hand as my phone. Willing one to ring and needing the other close.
***
I’m exhausted the next day. I tossed and turned all night. Every time my eyes closed the dreams would come making them jerk open again.
I try Colt five more times. No answer.
Fear seeps its way into me. No, it’s been there since last night, but now it’s multiplying.
I take a quick shower and dress. Go to class though I don’t feel like it. Keep trying Colt’s phone and don’t get an answer.
It’s a long day at school and it’s late afternoon by the time I’m done. I need to check on Bev.
I need to find Colt.
I drive by the house. Adrian answers the door and says he hasn’t seen him since yesterday. I check his room to make sure. My heart is going crazy now, begging me to let the panic take over.
Bones in the woods.
She’s gone.
I’ll help you find your mama.
I start to feel dizzy. What if something happened to him? What if he’s hurt or alone like Mom was?
“Whoa. You okay?” Adrian grabs my arm, but I jerk away. I can’t have hands on me right now.
“I have to go. Call me if you find him.” I rattle my number off to him.
I concentrate on my breathing as I drive to Bev’s. Get it together, get it together, get it together. I can’t scare her. Maybe he went to her house. Maybe he’s mad at me. There are a million possibilities and the last thing I need to do is scare her.
I knock on the door and Maggie answers again. “Is Colt here?” I ask.
“No. I haven’t seen him since yesterday before you came over.”
I hold my breath so she can’t tell I’m breathing so hard. He’s fine.
Bones in the woods.
“Can I check on Bev?” I fight my voice to keep it steady.
“Sure. She’s in her room resting.”
Maggie lets me in and I go straight for Bev’s room. I don’t pause before slipping in the open room. It will give me more time to freak out.
“Hi.” Don’t scare her. “I just wanted to check on your tattoo.”
She holds out her wrist proudly. “It looks amazing.”
I want to touch it, but know it will hurt. “Are you putting the cream on?”
“Maggie has been.”
I’m holding her wrist and looking at the tattoo when I hear a noise behind me. I turn, relief flooding the length of my body.
Colt.
