Текст книги "Charade"
Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn
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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
Not a word when he climbs back into bed.
Not a word while we lie there…and lie there.
The nerves are back, topped off with awkwardness. If this was Gregory, he would have passed out holding me. Colt’s eyes are open and so are mine, his right arm and my left arm the only part of us touching.
“I should probably get going. I have some stuff to take care of.” Despite my words. I don’t move.
“Okay. Yeah, whenever you want, I can bring you back.”
I get up and start to get dressed. I hate putting the same thing on two days in a row and can’t wait to get back to the dorm to change. But still, I will him to say something. Anything. I don’t need him to ask me to stay, but some kind of anything would help calm the storm in my stomach.
Colt sits on the edge of the bed, grabs my shirt and hands it to me. I pull it on, telling him I have to go to the restroom and leave before he can get up.
I splash water on my face, hoping it can wash away the past few weeks of my life. When I look in the mirror, it’s all still there. I’m still there.
But I feel okay. The first time I slept with Gregory I freaked out. Went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and had a panic attack he never knew about. He didn’t know about any of them. Once I calmed down I washed my face like I just did here and went back into the room smiling.
It feels good not to have to smile if I don’t want to.
Colt’s standing in his room when I get there. He’s wearing a pair of long, cargo shorts and a t-shirt. It shouldn’t look as gorgeous on him as it does.
He picks up sunglasses and slips them on. It’s the first time I’ve seen him wear them and can’t stop myself from asking, “Have a little too much to drink last night?”
“I’m cool.” His voice sounds distant. I’m sure he’s like this with every girl he sleeps with. I don’t know why I didn’t really expect it with us. I don’t know if I care or not. I definitely shouldn’t care.
I shake my head and walk out of the room. I’m not dealing with this. It’s supposed to be easy and if he’s going to be a jerk afterward, it’s not worth it.
Colt follows me out and we’re quiet for the ten minute drive to my dorm.
“Let me know…about your mom.” I reach for the handle as he pulls into the lot.
The only reply I get is a nod of his head. Again, whatever.
I open the door, get out and close it. We’re supposed to be old enough to sleep together without it being awkward the next day. Especially when I can tell that’s what he does—sleeps with people he never plans on being serious about.
I’m almost to the steps when I hear him yell, “Chey!” I turn and Colt’s standing outside the driver’s door looking at me.
Seconds pass by and he doesn’t say anything.
“Tick tock,” I say.
“Did it help?” His words come out unsure.
The tightness in my shoulders evaporates. I let out a deep breath and suddenly know we’ll be okay. That whatever it is—this charade we’re playing is still intact.
“Yeah…yeah it did. You?”
Then he smiles. It’s not a huge one and I can’t see well enough to know if his dimple is showing.
“Yep.” Colt climbs back into his car and then he’s gone.
I chuckle as I go inside. Smile again when I walk into my room. I’m not there for a minute before my phone rings.
One glance takes the smile from my face. I know I can’t keep ignoring her.
“Hey,” I say to Aunt Lily when I pick up the phone.
“Cheyenne! I’ve been so worried about you. Don’t avoid me like that anymore. I know it’s hard…but we have to stick together.”
And I know what she’s saying. She’s Mom’s sister. I’m her daughter. We’re all that’s left of her. I hate how I’m treating her, but can’t seem to stop either. Can’t let her in.
My hand tightens around my phone.
“I won’t.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” Am I?
Aunt Lily sighs. “We want to have a service for her, Cheyenne.”
“What!?” I pace the room. My heart has a seizure and my chest tightens. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out.
Why is this even a surprise? I should have expected it. It’s normal, but…
“She deserves it. I want to say goodbye.”
Does she deserve it? Yes she does, but then she left me. She still left me and it was so normal for her that we didn’t think twice about her never coming back. What if she went in those woods and killed herself?
“I…”
“It will be good for us, Cheyenne. I want a place to go see her. She’s been alone all this time.” Lily’s voice cracks. “She was my baby sister.” The pain in her voice stabs into me.
She was my mom. What’s wrong with me?
“I know. I’m sorry. Let’s do it.”
The words come out, but I don’t mean them. If I tell her goodbye, that means she’ll really be gone.
~CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE~
Colt
I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this.
I’m sitting outside Cheyenne’s dorm, waiting for her to come down so we can go see my mom. My fucking mom. Adrian’s only met her in person once. I don’t do this, but Mom’s been driving me crazy about it for the past three days. I can’t disappoint her over something as small as this.
Cheyenne and I are already playing the game. What’s adding another level to it? Another lie we can both play and pretend is really a good idea. I’m not stupid. I know it’s not, but I know when I touch her it takes me away and I really fucking need a mental break. To lose myself in her heat.
“Hey,” she says from behind me. I stand up and turn. Damn, she’s hot. Her legs are firm and now I know it’s because she danced. Of course she’s wearing a skirt because she may not realize it, but in some ways she really is a princess.
Heat scorches beneath my skin and I want to forget everything, take her back to her room and strip her. “Let’s go back to your room.” I take a step toward her, almost touch her but stop. This situation we’re in is so screwed up because it’s a lie and I don’t know how to act around her.
Fuck it. I let my hand slide under her shirt and grip her waist. “It’ll be a lot more fun to stay here,” I say against her ear.
“Colt.” It sounds like a warning, but she leans her head to the side to give me better access to her neck. I dip my tongue in the hollow spot behind her ear.
“Let’s go.” I pull her against me and let her feel the reaction my body has to her.
“Your mom is expecting us.”
I kiss a trail to her mouth. “No…I didn’t tell her yet. I figured I’d call on the way.”
This makes her tense and I’m sure it’s going to be one of those things girls make a big ass deal of when it really doesn’t matter. “Don’t do that. Come on.” I try to persuade her.
“You were taking me to meet your mom and you didn’t even tell her yet?”
Groaning, I pull away. “It’s not a big deal. I was going to call her before we went.”
“No. You never planned on going. You may think you did, but you didn’t.”
“I—” Don’t have an answer. I shouldn’t have to have one. “You’re acting like a girlfriend.”
She pushes me away. “You’re acting like a prick.”
Cheyenne tries to walk away, but I grab her wrist. She’s fucking right and I know it. “Wait.” And she does. Doesn’t turn around and I don’t speak right away. Finally I man the hell up and say, “This isn’t easy.”
Cheyenne turns and I can see it in her eyes. She gets its. It’s crazy how much this girl gets me. I don’t pretend to understand it or want to.
“But it’s important.”
I give a short nod. “I’ll call her in the car.”
We get in her car and I pull out my phone and call Mom. It takes a while for her to answer, but she always does.
“Hello?” her voice sounds raspy.
“Hey. I’m heading over. I have—I have Cheyenne with me. I just wanted to make sure you were home and not running around town.”
I hope for a laugh and get one. “I love you,” she says and I’m not sure why.
“I love you too, Mom. You’re good? If you want me to come alone—”
“—I don’t think so,” she interrupts me. “You’re not getting out of this, Colton. I can’t wait to meet her.” I’m not surprised when she hangs up.
“We’re good,” I tell Cheyenne and she starts the car. I give her directions to Mom’s place, my leg bouncing up and down the whole time. She didn’t sound good. When does she ever sound good? Am I doing the right thing or being the biggest fucking fraud in the world by lying to my dying mom about Cheyenne?
I glance over at her. She looks nervous too and I realize she probably has shit going on right now that I’ve been too big a prick to think about. “You good?”
She nods. I recognize it as the one I give when I’m really not cool at all. “This means a lot to me.” It’s the best way I can think to say thanks.
“I know.”
“Did you talk to your aunt?”
Cheyenne looks at me and gives me that smile I know knocks guys on their asses all the time. “This isn’t about me.”
“I’d rather it be.”
“I know that too.”
We pull up at Mom’s old apartment complex. “She doesn’t look good.”
“More things I already know.”
I can’t help but crack a smile. “And you say I’m an asshole.” I pause for a few seconds. “You know she’s going to think you’re my girl, right? That she’s going to be gushing all over you because I’ve never brought anyone home and all she wants is—” I can’t finish the rest.
“I know.”
I feel like a pussy because I’m actually cracking up here, but Cheyenne leans forward and kisses me. I lose my head to her like always, biting at her lip and sucking her tongue into my mouth. Christ, I want this girl. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone else.
Too soon she pulls away.
We get out of the car and I lead her to the apartment. “Looks like I’m the one asking you to play the game this time,” I say to her before opening the door.
Mom’s sitting in her wheelchair by the window when we get there. She has a hat on which she doesn’t do much anymore and I know it’s because of Chey. I fucking hate she has to meet the first girl I’ve ever brought home dying and with no hair.
I hate that I’m a fucking liar and it’s not even real.
My gut aches. I try not to breathe through my nose as we go inside.
“Hey, Mom. I found this girl outside. Do you know her?” I point at Cheyenne, who smacks my arm.
Mom shrieks, “Colton!” And I want to curse the name. How could I have spaced that?
My hand itches to grab Cheyenne’s. I don’t know if it’s because I’m cracking up here or because I want to play the part. It’s not something Mom would expect though, so I don’t.
“Mom, this is Cheyenne. Chey, this is my mom, Bev.”
“It’s very nice to meet you.” Cheyenne holds her hand out for my mom who shakes it.
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Then she looks at me. “She’s gorgeous. What’s she doing with you?”
We all laugh. Cheyenne’s and Mom’s feel a lot more real than mine. I keep seeing her through Cheyenne’s eyes, this frail, dying woman, like that’s all she ever was. She doesn’t know the woman who used to work her ass off every day. The one who tried to get me to play every sport she could even though we couldn’t afford it, or kept going with no sleep after graveyard shifts at work to be there whenever I needed her.
The woman who loved to laugh and always told jokes and has a temper that makes her a good weapon to have on your side.
“Please, have a seat, Cheyenne.” Mom’s speaks softly, but I can tell she’s trying not to. Trying to sound normal.
“You don’t have to pretend to be nice to Cheyenne. She gives me hell all the time. She’s only showing you her good side.”
Cheyenne laughs and grabs my sides like she’s going to tickle me. I have no clue what she’s thinking because I’m definitely not ticklish, but still, I grab her arms and pull her toward me. Now she has her arms wrapped around my waist and we’re chest to chest. She’s laughing and I almost want to laugh with her. For a second it feels real and okay. The knot in my gut loosens and I’m not scared to breathe.
When I hear my mom sniff, I look down and see her eyes wet. I jerk away from Cheyenne and lean down. “Hey. Are you okay? Did something happen?” It doesn’t even matter that there’s fucking panic in my voice and Cheyenne is right here.
Mom looks at me. Touches my hair. My cheek. And smiles.
“Everything’s perfect, Colton.”
No. Everything’s a fucking game.
***
We’re driving back home and I can’t get the visit out of my head. Mom and Cheyenne were all fucking chummy and laughing. She stayed up longer than she has in a long time. She even got Cheyenne’s phone number, which I have to admit, I don’t like too much.
Which makes me feel like an ass, but I am an ass so might as well embrace it.
Toward the end she looked tired—so fucking tired she fell asleep the second I helped her back into bed. She’s lost more weight, her body feels so small, like a twig that if you step on will break in half.
“Come home with me.” The words weren’t planned, but I’m glad they came out.
“Your car—”
“Fuck my car.”
Cheyenne doesn’t reply, but she goes to my place instead of the dorm. It’s actually quiet when we get there. As far as I can tell, Adrian’s not even home, which is a huge shocker. The second the door’s closed I’m on her. Kissing her, my body tight against hers as I wedge her between myself and the wall.
Cheyenne’s hand tightens in my hair and she wraps her legs around my waist. I’m so hard, I’m not sure I can wait. I want her. I need her. My mouth doesn’t come off hers as I stumble down the hall with her in my arms. I kick the door closed behind me and slip a hand under her skirt.
Yeah I like her skirts. Easy access. And from the feel of things, she wants me just as much as I want her.
I lay her on the bed and clothes are coming off. There’s no talking. No laughing. Nothing but eager hands and sad eyes.
She’s so fucking sexy, all smooth skin and feminine curves. As screwed up as it is, I try to avoid her eyes. Don’t want her to look in mine either. Just want to feel her heat wrapped around me instead of the cold pain we both feel.
I grab a condom from my pants and rip it open with my teeth. I don’t want to think about or feel anything, but Cheyenne.
She’s lying sideways on the bed. I put my hands flat on the mattress, one on either side of her head.
And we don’t move. She’s beneath me and I’m leaning over her and I want to push home, but I can’t move. Why the fuck can’t I move?
Her hand slides up, wraps around my neck and threads through my hair. That’s all I need. My eyes don’t leave hers and hers mine as I push inside. Just being inside her makes me forget everything else. She feels so fucking good. Suddenly, my eyes can’t leave hers as I move, doing what both of us need me to do.
***
“I should go…” Cheyenne’s next to me, my arm slung around her. Hell it’s hasn’t been ten minutes since we finished.
“Yeah?” I kiss her shoulder, letting her know I’m up for another round if she is.
“Yeah,” she replies, so I ease away from her. I don’t hide the fact that I’m enjoying the view as she gets dressed. She’s gorgeous. She knows it. I know it. I’m not going to pretend she isn’t.
“What about your car?” she asks.
I shrug. The piece of shit doesn’t matter anyway. “I’ll have Adrian take me to get it.”
“I can pick you up.”
“I’ll call you.”
She stands there for a second, arms crossed, eyes searching everything in my room but me.
“What is it?” I ask. She still looks nervous. “I just showed you the most painful thing in my life. I think our lines have pretty much been shot to hell, don’t you think?”
I sit up. Naked.
“They’re having a service for my mom.”
“Fuck,” I say. I knew something was up, but she played it off all day. For me. For Mom.
I reach for her, but she shakes her head.
“Can you go with me? We’re getting together at my aunt’s house after. Food. People. Gregory’s family will be there.”
I have to hold back not to say something about him, but I don’t. She was fucking incredible with my mom today and I can do this for her.
“Yeah. It’s cool. I’ll go.” I’m shocked that it bothers me she won’t let me hold her. That’s what I’m here for. To make her forget, the way she does for me. It’s all I can do.
“Thanks…I…thanks. I’ll text you the information.”
She walks out of my bedroom. I let out a breath and fall backward on the bed. I have no idea what the hell we’re doing here or even how it happened.
My door opening makes me look up. I grab a pillow to cover the goods, but it’s Cheyenne.
“You’re a good son, Colt. You…you’re incredible to her. I just wanted you to know that.”
This time, she’s gone for good, but she doesn’t leave my thoughts. And for the first time I admit to myself, I don’t want her to go.
~CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO~
Cheyenne
No one here even knew who she was. I wonder if I really did. If Aunt Lily really did. If Mom knew herself.
Do I know who I am?
The only people here who can claim to pretend to know who Mom was are me, Aunt Lily, my uncle, and cousin. Otherwise it’s my aunt and uncle’s friends. Not a lot of them because most couldn’t be bothered and the ones who are here probably only came out of respect to Lily.
But Gregory’s here. His family. Of course Lily and Mark’s best friends would be here. They stand on the other side of the black coffin. I don’t even understand having a coffin since all she is, is bones, but I know Lily wants the best for her. She always wanted more for Mom than Mom wanted for herself.
Colt is next to me wearing nice black slacks and a button-up, long-sleeved black shirt. I wonder if he went out to buy the clothes or if he had them. Not that it matters, but I know him and this isn’t the kind of thing he’s comfortable in so I’m grateful he’s doing it for me. I’m also thankful he didn’t do his hair. It still looks like it always does, sticking every which way.
His grip on my hand tightens, but I don’t squeeze back. I’m glad he’s here. Hate admitting it, but I need him here. My body is just too numb to do anything about it.
The remains of my mother’s bones are in a box as dark as the nights she spent in those woods. How much of her can even be left?
The pastor goes on and on. I don’t focus on what he says, just the feel of Colt’s rough hand holding mine. This rough boy who hates the world, curses like a sailor, but is so gentle with his mom and is here with me.
I don’t understand how we got here or why we’re in this together, but I’m not sure I could get through this day without him.
Something else I don’t like to admit.
My chest tightens again.
Calm down, Chey.
“You’re doing fucking awesome,” Colt whispers in my ear and I can’t help but smile at that. Only he would use the word ‘fuck’ at my mom’s funeral.
The service ends and they have me walk forward first to toss the rose in. Colt stays attached to my side. I feel the eyes of everyone else on me, watching me, waiting to see if I’m going to break down. Inside I have. I’m all cracked apart, pieces lying here and there throughout, but for some reason, it can’t escape. It’s like there’s a roadblock keeping it in and while I’m glad, I want to be free of it too.
Once the roses are tossed in, we turn around. I keep walking so Colt keeps walking, supporting me as we head back to the blackened car. I can’t believe they rented a car to come in. Mom didn’t give a shit about stuff like that. Though she didn’t give a shit about anything except partying and guys.
Colt leans against the car and pulls me toward him. My arms go around his neck and his around my waist. My face is in his neck and I think if I was going to cry, this would be the perfect place to do it, yet it doesn’t come.
“You’re so fucking tough,” he squeezes my waist like he always does. “I just—I see.”
It’s then the enormity of what I did hits me. I asked him to come to a funeral for my mom, while his is dying. He looks at that box and sees Bev, but he’s here and he’s holding me, this boy who I’m only sleeping with.
“I’m sorry.”
“No reason to be.” Colt shrugs. But there is.
My aunt and uncle get to the car. They’re taking the Colt thing better than I thought. Not that they’re the kind to freak out, but I’ve never mentioned him. Didn’t even tell them he was coming with me. It makes me feel bad. They would love me, if I’d let them.
Lily pulls me away from Colt and hugs me. She’s crying so much my dress gets wet, but I still can’t push them out.
My uncle mumbles something to Colt and Colt replies.
Everyone is walking to their cars now and I just want to get away. Want a minute to myself which I can’t even have because we’re sharing a car with my aunt and uncle.
Colt and I slide in the back and them in the front. They try for small talk with Colt—asking about college, how we met, how long we’ve dated and thanking him for coming. He speaks as little as possible. He’s not one of those boys who’s good with someone’s parents, or in my case, my aunt and uncle.
***
For some reason, the house feels like there are more people here than there were at the service. Funny how that happens. People who can’t make it to the sad part want to come in when the wine is offered freely and it’s more like a party.
“Show me your room,” comes from behind me in that husky, cocky voice I recognize as Colt’s.
Thank God.
People talk and walk paying no attention to the only daughter of the dead woman. Maybe it’s because she’s been dead for ten years and other people saw this coming even though I didn’t.
Once we’re up the stairs I keep my finger hooked with his and lead him into my room.
“Holy shit. It’s…happy in here.” I hear the laugh in his voice.
“What’s wrong with wanting happy?” I ask, looking around the room. Flowers are painted on the walls at the top. Each of the four walls a different color. Dance trophies and pictures of my dance team are everywhere. It’s perfect, like I always wanted.
Colt looks at the bed. “It’s white.” He grins.
“I guess that means you have good taste.”
He goes from one wall to the next, looking—dissecting. I can’t stop myself from wondering how it looks through his eyes. If the room feels like me or if he thinks it’s a lie.
“You must be good, huh?” He touches one of the trophies.
“Of course.”
He shakes his head. “Of course.”
And then he steps up to me. His mouth finds mine. It’s a gentle kiss, slow and smooth as his tongue slides between my lips. I let him lead and I follow because right now it’s easier than thinking about anything.
Colt doesn’t stop kissing me. Our tongues tangle and take turns, but he doesn’t take it any further. When he pulls away I’m panting. My heart races. Every time he touches me I want him more.
“You don’t cry, Tiny Dancer.” His chin rests on the top of my head as we hold each other.
“Not if I can stop it.”
“It’s okay, you know.”
“Wow. Is the hard-ass going to give me a pep talk?” I feel like a bitch the second the words come out, but he doesn’t call me on it.
“I don’t know if pep is the right word.” Then he leans closer. “Just know that you can. I won’t tell. I might not be able to do much for you, but I’ll hold your secrets.”
My breath catches. It’s the most amazing thing he’s said to me. Maybe that anyone has ever said to me. Still, it means so much more coming from him.
“I—”
“—Chey?” The door pushes open and Gregory’s there.
Colt tenses against me.
“Is there a reason you’re coming into my bedroom?” I ask Gregory.
He’s not looking at me though. His eyes are hard on Colt. “This is her mom’s service, if you didn’t notice. You could wait to take advantage of her until later, don’t you think?”
I swear I feel Colt’s body overheat. “Jealous I can take care of her better than you? It’s okay, Pretty Boy, I’ve kicked your ass more than once, it’s only natural I steal your girl too.”
Colt’s words feel like a slap across my face. I know they’re just to piss Gregory off, but they hit every button inside me that I don’t like pressed.
“Fuck you.” Gregory steps into the room and Colt moves toward him.
“Excuse me? You didn’t steal me from anyone.” I’m shaking now. Colt doesn’t turn around to look at me. Gregory pretends I’m not there too.
“Why don’t you get out of here so we can finish where we left off?” Colt says. “I don’t feel like fucking with you today.”
There’s a fist around my throat, tightening and tightening. I don’t know why I’m freaking out, but I hate the things Colt is saying, hate that Gregory is here and then the coffin—that big black box her bones are probably lost in flashes through my head.
I gasp. Colt and Gregory are muffled voices in the background. I turn away from them, not wanting to let myself lose it. Why am I losing it? My vision blurs. I can’t catch my breath. Bones. Coffin.
My feet tangle and then arms are there. The door slams and I’m on the floor in someone’s lap.
“Shh. It’s okay. Relax. You’re good. We’re good.”
A hand runs through my hair. Lips press to my forehead.
“You’re good. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have done that shit today. Take a deep breath.”
I fight through the panic, following Colt’s voice.
I find his blue eyes. His sad lips. Gregory.
I struggle to get out of Colt’s hold.
“He’s gone. I locked the door. It’s okay.”
Now I’m back to me and the spell is broken. I get out of his lap and stand up. I open my mouth to tell him not to treat me like a game of tug-o-war, but he stops me. “I’m not good at this stuff. I don’t do this stuff. I react and that’s what I did. It was the wrong thing to do.”
I can’t say anything to his apology, because I know this isn’t what he signed up for but he’s here and he’s doing it and it’s not like I’m perfect either.
“It’s not even him as much as what you said. Don’t do it again.” I straighten my clothes and finger comb my hair. “We better go downstairs.”
Colt stops me before I can walk away. “Do you take anything? For the panic attacks?”
I shake my head. Not anymore. “I don’t need medication. I’ve handled them for years. I’d be fine if everyone would just leave me the hell alone.”
But I’m not fine. He’s not fine either.
We make it through the rest of the day. Colt is always there, but we don’t touch. It’s not the same as it was before the freak out.
When I pull up in front of his house, I sit there, not sure what to do.
“Come in with me,” he says. He didn’t ask and I’m grateful for it.
I turn off the car and go inside. We head straight for Colt’s room.
“I hate this dress,” I say when we get to his room. He opens his drawer and tosses a t-shirt at me. I’m so shocked I almost miss it.
Colt starts to undress first. He lies his slacks on a chair and then his shirt. I figure I need to start doing the same thing so I take my dress off, pantyhose and then slip on his shirt.
What are we doing? Usually he’s undressing me, not giving me clothes to wear.
“Hit the light, would ya?” he says before climbing into bed in camo boxer-briefs.
“You’re camouflaged. How will I find you?” I tease and he cracks a smile.
“I don’t think you can miss me.”
I turn off the light and get into bed wearing my panties and Colt’s t-shirt. I wait for him to kiss me. Or to lick or bite my neck. He likes using his tongue and teeth.
Instead he pulls me to him, my back to his chest. His arm goes around my waist and it fits so perfectly there.
“I fucked up,” he says again. “That shouldn’t have gone down earlier.”
His words aren’t expected, but somehow they’re what I need. “I know. It’s okay.” Pause, and then, “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
Colt squeezes me tighter. Kisses my hair. “It’s easier to hide in the dark…but easier to let go too.”
And I know he’s hiding. Doesn’t want me to see him when he says stuff like that. Can’t be that close. Me? I’m letting go. Finally, a tear slips from my eye. I wipe it away and go to sleep.
