Текст книги "Let Me Love"
Автор книги: Michelle Lynn
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
Jen’s side a little messier, her hairbrush laying on the counter with strands of her chestnut hair weaved through the prongs.
I walk into their enormous walk in closet. The one Jen demanded Caden redo when they bought the house. There are shelves for her sweaters, shoe racks for her high-end designer shoes. All of Caden’s ties rest on a custom made tie rack Jen had made for him when he became Professor at Western. Jen had ‘Professor Hottie’ engraved across the top. His laundered shirts, hanging up according to color, plaids, or stripes. A small smile creeps across thinking about how Jen and I always imitated his obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and he would tell us that is a serious condition. We would continue laughing until he would leave the room in a huff throwing a pillow at us. For the first time, it hits me; I’ll never have that again. There are no more movie nights where Jen and I force Caden to watch a chick flick while he sits there begrudgingly, secretly enjoying it. We won’t have the rock, paper, scissor game to predict who washes the dishes after a holiday meal. Nothing in my life will be the same again.
A flood of memories come over me. Caden’s expression when I slammed the door in his face that first time I met him. When he asked me for Jen’s hand in marriage and included me in the planning. Their small wedding at Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde’s, Jen with flowers in her hair like some free spirited hippie. Caden in his nice blue suit, his eyes only on her as she walked to him. When Chloe came home and the small bickering between them on who would feed, or change her. Me getting up in exasperation to just make it stop. Their laughter when I returned that it was a game to get me to do it. Me throwing the pillow in their faces then.
All the loss becomes too much for me, and I grab one of Caden’s sweatshirts, throwing it over my head. Pulling a scarf of Jens down, I sink to the floor, curl up in a ball and cry into the scent that’s home. That mixture of Caden’s musk cologne and Jen’s crisp peach lotion that made them, Jen and Caden, a love that ended much too early.
Sobs scream out of me. My fists bang the carpet. My legs curl into me. I’m not sure how long it’s been before Uncle Clyde busts into the room and sits down next to me. Placing his hand on my back, he whispers things will be okay, we will get through this. I allow him to tell me all the bull shit people say after someone dies. I stand up and hug him, saying he’s right and I’ll be fine. Then I walk out of the room, get in the shower, and dress in my best black dress.
Aunt Holly and I dress the girls while Uncle Clyde takes care of Drew. We do their hair and make them look like beautifully angelic girls. Aunt Holly shifts her skeptical gaze to me occasionally. She sees the coldness in every step I make, the robotic moves and directions. I’m slowly shutting down just like I did when I was ten. Pretty soon I’ll be completely in a black hell, it’s safer there. I don’t give a shit what anyone says; I’d rather be alone than feel this heartache again. Twice in one lifetime is enough for me.
Chapter 19
Trey
I sit in the driveway and bang my head against the steering wheel before throwing the car in reverse and speeding off. Not wanting to go home, I continue driving. Thoughts of my whole life float through my head like a slideshow of pictures. All the girls, drinking, and band gigs swarm around my memory of my college years. The baby and Zoey peek through the fog of my mistakes the past five years. I just can’t let Kailey push me away when every fiber in me screams she’s where I belong. It’s her and the kids I’m meant to be with. They’re a package deal, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Now I just need her to stop being so fucking stubborn.
Hours later, I pull in my driveway, and Bridgette’s house is thundering with music and high-pitched laughter. Cars line up and down the street while students mill around the yard with red Solo cups and cigarettes. This is the first time in months that I crave a cigarette. I park the car and holler over at a group of guys huddled around the keg. A guy turns around, and I ask him to bum a cigarette. He’s on his way over when Bridgette appears out of nowhere and holds a butt of one to my lips. She flicks the lighter, and I allow her to stick the cigarette in my mouth before raising the lighter. Inhaling deep, I can’t help but let my eyes wander down her exposed cleavage lit up from the red iridescent glow of the flame. When my eyes turn back up, she’s flirtatiously smiling up at me. A look that would have had me pushing her up against the side of the house already in my former life.
“I heard about Professor Campbell and his wife,” she says flatly. “Shouldn’t you be playing your role of daddy now? Or is the mommy still wanting you to chase her.” Her bitter words has me wanting to flick the lit cigarette in her face.
“God, Bridgette. Jealous?” I accuse, wishing like hell I would’ve just gone into the house.
“Why would I be jealous? She might have gotten you wrapped around her finger, but people like you and me don’t change, Trey.” She takes her finger and slowly moves it down the front of my shirt. “It’s probably for the best, you would’ve broken her heart eventually,” she finishes and smirks up at me.
“You don’t know shit. You’re just a fucking slut, whom no one gives a shit about. I get it, I hurt you. You thought you could be more to me that a good time, but you weren’t. And seeing how spiteful you can be makes me pretty damn happy about that. Don’t hate Kailey because you’re jealous of her. I know there’s a lot to be jealous of, she’s pretty fucking spectacular, but you’ll never be it the same league. Hell, I’m not in the same league, but god damn it if I’m not going to try to make her believe I’m good enough for her,” I assert and turn around toward the house.
“Whatever, Trey, I give it a month tops.” She yells out, and I raise my hand as I continue to walk away and flip her off.
Sadie and Brady are watching a movie. Dex is most likely out. I grab a beer and join them, but it’s another fucking eighties movie. Does Brady have any balls? He’s so damn whipped. Not able to take another love story, I catch the light on in the detached garage. Rob’s in there, working on his Mustang. Figuring at least he’ll give me a fight that might release some of this aggression that’s overflowing in me I head that way.
His long legs lay out from under the car and the cranking of a wrench can be heard from below. “Hey, dipshit, what are you working on?” I announce my presence. Gotta say, I’m surprised he’s not next door at the party.
“What the hell do you want?” He rolls himself out and the grease along his fingers tells me something’s not working right.
I take a long pull of my beer. “Need to work off some steam. Either we fight, or I’ll help you.”
He shuffles over and grabs his own beer, staring at me for a few beats of a second, almost contemplating if he wants my help or not. “I’m getting it ready to race, changing out a few things, so it runs smoother and faster.” He tosses me a wrench, and I take his spot, lying down and sliding under the car.
This is an area Rob and I have always seen eye to eye. He helped me restore my pride and joy, and I’ve given him a hand on his. “I’m still surprised, you bought a new car,” I yell up through the insides of the car.
“Yeah, I think I was just caught up in that instant mediocre fame and the little amount of money I was making on my own. Should’ve bought something to fix-up, make it my own,” he admits. Once I get the new high-torque mini starter tightened, I slide back out.
“It will be your own, but it’s a shame you’ll put so much more money into it.” I toss my empty beer in the trashcan and grab another from his cooler.
“It is what it is.”
“Where you racing?”
“There’s an open track up at Speed Chasers in two weeks. You should do it too. It’s nothing crazy, I think cash prize is only like a thousand, but it’s a huge event.” I have to admit, it’s tempting, but there’s no way I’m doing it. As much as I don’t want to sound like some fucking middle aged man, it’s too dangerous.
“We’ll see,” I tell him, but he knows that’s my decline. “Let’s get this thing going then,” I say, not wanting to allow my thoughts to drift to Kailey and the kids.
Rob and I stay out there in the garage for another three hours. By the time we’re heading back in the house, my forearms are tight and biceps sore from all the back and forth with socket wrenches and screwdrivers. Sadie and Brady must have already gone to bed, and Dex hasn’t returned home, leaving the kitchen dark when we enter. Rob goes to the fridge and offers me another beer, but I’m finished for the night.
“I heard about your girlfriend’s sister and brother-in-law. I’m sorry,” Rob expresses his sympathies, and I’m almost struck with shock. “Let me know if you need anything,” he continues, and I’m thinking someone else has invaded his body.
“I’ve got it handled, but thanks,” I say, leaving the room. “The funerals tomorrow if you want to come.” I begin to tell him the details, but he stops me.
“Sorry, man, I don’t do funerals. But—,” he trails off because it’s Rob. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve and since tonight was our first conversation in the past months that didn’t include fists clenched or thrown, I’ll leave it as it is. We all know Rob has a past he doesn’t share, and I’m not about to try to figure him out.
“If you need help with the car, just yell,” I tell him and jog up the stairs.
It’s eight-thirty when I arrive at the funeral home the next morning. I could have been here at four this morning, since I didn’t sleep worth a shit. Sixty hours without Kailey snuggled up in my side, but who’s counting. Last night, I even stole the body pillow Jessa left behind, but it doesn’t slightly blow hot breath on my neck or sandwich its leg between mine. My hand can’t tangle through long stands of dark hair or feel its breasts up against my bare chest. So the attempt to sleep with the body pillow was useless for me.
The director, Mr. Greyson meets me outside the office and shakes my hand. I stare at the two caskets and tears pool in my eyes for them and what they’ve left behind. It’s eerie and slightly uncomfortable with the death that encompasses the room. I’m suddenly thrown into a conversation I had with Jen a month or so ago.
“Do you love her?” She asks me point blank.
“Of course,” I answer honestly. A little offended she asked the question.
“How much?” She’s sitting up in her bed eating fries. I just snuck in McDonalds for her while Kailey was picking Chloe up from pre-school. Kailey is strict with Jen’s diet, making sure everything had nutritional value. Jen had secretly sent me a text requesting I pick it up on my way over and the times Kailey wouldn’t be home.
“With every fiber in my body,” I tell her. She pops a fry in her mouth.
“Not good enough.” She washes the fry down with a sip of Diet Coke.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I can’t tell you what to say. That would be an unfair advantage.”
“It’s not a game, Jen,” I add while sitting on the footstool at the end of their bed.
“That’s good to hear. I need to know, Trey. Tell me what I want to hear, put my fears at rest before I leave her.”
“Jesus, Jen, I love her. She’s all I think about, when I’m not with her. I count down the minutes until I see her again. She’s everything to me,” I start, but she still seems unsatisfied. Not sure what she’s looking for me to say. Hell, I feel sorry for Caden. I can’t imagine what he had to prove.
“That’s a good start, but what else?”
Standing up out of pure frustration. I throw both my hands over my head. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her happiness. I’ll protect her with every inch of my skin.”
“She’ll fight you,” she reminds me. “She’ll push.”
“And I’ll fight right back and pull her back to me,” I say, and a smile spread across her face.
“She’s stubborn.”
“I’m persistent and tenacious.”
“She’ll shut down.”
“I’ll find my way in.”
“She’ll use the kids.”
“So will I.” She quirks her eyebrow my way. “For good, of course.”
“She’ll eventually relent. When you least expect it.”
“That’s why I’ll stay determined until she surrenders.”
“To the love you share.”
“Yes, to our love for one another. It will be my biggest selling tool.”
“Your body will help too,” she laughs clearly satisfied with our conversation.
“Take care of my baby sister, Trey.”
“With my life and heart.”
In just the short time I knew her, she wormed her way into my heart. Her perseverance for her sister’s happiness was strong and unwavering. Walking along the wall, the pictures on top of Caden’s casket have me choking back tears. A father taken unexpectedly. He sits on the couch with all three kids around him, and I remember when Kailey took the picture. She had been trying to get more with Jen, but Jen was tired and fell asleep upstairs. Not wanting to ruin all their nice outfits, she had them pose with Caden. It’s almost fitting in a way, now they’ll have these to share.
A loud voice and Tara’s shriek transports me out of my thoughts. When I turn around, Kailey stands outside the doors. Her mouth agape and eyes boring into mine. I pick up Tara off the ground and pull her into my arms. She looks adorable in her black dress with a puffy bottom and satin shoes. “Put me down,” she insists. When I do, she twirls around. “Look, it’s like a princess,” she tells me, and I smile down at her.
“Yep, you’re a princess all right.”
She flutters around the room showing Holly and Clyde how when she circles around, the skirt twirls. Kailey finally makes her way up to the caskets, and Holly nudges her head my way. I pray she’s been a little persistent gnat attached to Kailey when I’m not there.
“Chloe still having nightmares,” I ask, coming along side of her as she stares down at her sister. The blank expression reminds me how Kailey can push things out and keep herself closed off from everyone that loves her.
“Yeah, only one last night,” she softly says, her eyes never leaving Jen.
“Is she sleeping with you,” I ask, and she nods.
“Holly did it last night. I feel asleep on the couch. But it’s the only way so far. Even then she fights me sometimes. She’s so startled she flails her body around until eventually succumbing to sleep again.” Her voice is so expressionless. Where is the woman I love?
“I could spend the night. I can sleep on the couch if you want.” At this point, I’ll take what I can.
She turns her head, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen her eyes so empty and voice void of any inflection. She’s pushed her emotions so far inside, I don’t know if we’ll ever find them. “No,” she says and turns to exit the room.
I’m about to chase after her until I see guests making their way to the caskets, saying their silent goodbyes. Mr. Greyson comes over, and I round up the pallbearers for him. He discusses the duties to the mixture of my friends and Caden’s relatives. It kills me that I’ll be one of them, keeping me from comforting Kailey and the kids the whole time, but at least this is one thing I can do for the man who became my friend.
Just as I’m about to make way to them again, trying to figure out in my head how I’ll ever get her to come out from behind her wall, my mom’s voice has me turning around. Her arms wrap around me, and my dad and brother, Derek, are right behind her. “What are you doing here?”
“Kailey needs us, you need us,” she tells me. My family’s unyielding love never ceases to amaze me.
“Thanks, Mom.” I bury my head into the crook of her neck, wanting to cry like a toddler. I want to tell her my problems and hope she can fix them. She quickly pushes me away, and I follow her footsteps to a very shocked Kailey. My mom mimics her previous motion and gives Kailey a big bear hug. It takes a few seconds, but eventually Kailey reacts and wraps her arms around my mom in return. Then my mom’s hands cup Kailey’s face between them, and my mom says something to her before hugging her again. Seeing Drew at her legs, my mom sweeps him up and swings an arm around Kailey’s shoulders, leading her into the other room.
“Hey, son. Are you holding up?” My dad finally speaks after witnessing the scene between Kailey and my mom.
“It’s okay. She’s shutting me out.” My dad and I have always had a good relationship. He was one of the ones who helped me decide about giving the baby up for adoption and made me realize that it wasn’t a selfish decision.
“I don’t envy her position. This is hard for anyone, but a twenty-two year old.” He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine.”
“I’m becoming desperate, Dad.” He rests his hand on my shoulder.
“Give her some time and space. She’ll come around.” Isn’t that everyone’s answer? But they don’t know her like me. Then I hear Jen’s words again. “She’ll eventually relent.” When god damn it? When will she finally give in?
The director calls everyone in, and I’m about to take a seat with my parents when Chloe and Tara come over and grab each one of my hands, leading me to the couch in front of the caskets. My dad urges me to follow, so I do. They sit me right next to Kailey and hop on our laps. Holly sits in the chair next to us holding a sleepy Drew in her arms. Clyde is on the other side of her. Caden’s parents peer over at our make shift family from their own couch to the right of us.
After the priest and the prayers, the mourners file out, and the family is given time to say good-bye. Kailey surprises me when she exits the room two seconds after the doors shut. The gang has the kids along the couch, Sadie feeding them graham crackers. Uncle Clyde and Aunt Holly, along with Caden’s parents, come out fifteen minutes later, and the despair in their eyes when they look at me. They’re just as confused to how Kailey could only spend a few minutes with them.
“Can you take the kids?” I ask them, and they nod their heads.
Kailey stands outside the room, talking to one of the pallbearers. Mr. Greyson comes up to her and asks if everyone has said their goodbyes, and she nods. I grab her wrist and start walking into the room again.
“Stop it, Trey, what are you doing?” She tries to wiggle out of my grip, but I hold tight. The curious eyes over my impromptu scene does nothing to waver me.
“Kailey, you’re going to face this,” I tell her and open the parlor doors and shut them behind us. She stands with her arms crossed over her chest, an indignation I’ve grown to love. I point to the caskets. “Say goodbye,” I instruct sternly, but she shakes her head, like a fucking two year old.
“I already said goodbye,” she says not even willing to glance in their direction.
I grip her hand again and force her toward the front of the room. I take the picture of Jen and Caden and shove it in her face. “You need to face this reality, Kailey,” I take both her hands in mine. “I know this hard as hell, and you’re breaking inside, but, believe me, you’ll regret it if you don’t take the time and say good-bye.”
She says nothing, her blank green eyes peer over at Jen. “No, then it’s a reality.” Finally we’re starting getting somewhere.
“I know, baby,” I gently speak, entwining our fingers and leading her over to her sister.
She surprises me when she lays her hand on the casket and closes her eyes. I start to release her hand, to give her the space she needs, but she squeezes harder. “Stay, please.” Hell, if I would ever leave her when she needs me.
I stay quiet while she whispers sweet things to her sister, and then makes her way over to Caden, telling him goodbye. After she’s done, she looks up at me and nods. It scares the hell out of me that there are no tears in her eyes, revealing that she’s still lost somewhere inside herself. I need to reach her darkness, show her our love is worth it. One step at a time I tell myself. She allows me to keep her hand in mine as we open the doors. Most everyone has departed to their cars. All the pallbearers, including my brother, who graciously filled in for me, file into the room under Mr. Greyson’s directive. Sadie and Jessa bring the kids our way, and we stand there along with family, watching the two caskets brought out on rolling carts. The gloved hands of the men resting on top, are serious and mournful, lifting the caskets into the two hearses.
The sound of the doors being shut makes Kailey’s body jolt. I place my hand on her back, and her head drops. She grabs Drew in her arms and takes Chloe’s hand in hers. I, in turn, pick up Tara, and we leave the funeral home for a long time to come, hopefully. I don’t ask, and she doesn’t say anything when I climb into the driver’s seat of the minivan.
The rest is a blur of activity. Driving to the church, Holly and Caden’s cousin’s eulogies, the cemetery and the caskets being lowered into the ground all runs together. Throughout the whole thing, Kailey doesn’t shed one tear, doesn’t release one sob. Polite and courteous as she sees the last guest out of the banquet room the university let her use. The catering crew makes the rounds of clearing dishes and glasses from the tables. Scooping up the tablecloths into balls and tossing them into baskets. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde have been lifesavers, taking the kids back to the house once again. She gathers her purse, and we walk out to my car without a word spoken. I open the door for her, she slides in, and I walk around to my side. I’m suddenly breaking inside that the one I love is shattered beyond my healing powers.
When we get to the house, it’s darker than last night. I’m not surprised the kids aren’t already crashed in their beds. I swallow hard, wanting desperately to beg her. Let me come in, hold you tonight, and begin this new life with you; be together and face this as a team, I can be her savior, her knight. “Thank you, Trey. Goodnight.” She hurries out of the car, just like last night.
Needing to give her some time, I back out of the driveway to return to my lonely bed, racking my brain on how I’ll convince Kailey to see what everyone else does.
