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Let Me Love
  • Текст добавлен: 9 октября 2016, 02:07

Текст книги "Let Me Love"


Автор книги: Michelle Lynn



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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

Chapter 17

Present Day 72 Hours Later

Trey

By the time I get out of work two days after she ripped my life away, my mind is a blur, and I’m exhausted from two nights of no sleep. I check my phone and there are no texts or missed calls. Briefly, I debate if I should call her again. She has to come around eventually, she’s just grieving. Right? This has been the wedge in our relationship from the beginning. I’ve constantly had to fight against some image in her head of what my life should be. It’s my life and my choices. To be honest, I still imagined myself drinking and partying at this age. Not my now usual routine of putting the kids to bed and then crashing with Kailey on the couch to watch some dumbass reality show about millionaires who can’t find love. But that vision shifted as soon as Kailey sat down next to me on that airplane. I just need to get her to believe that.

The parking lot of the funeral home is packed. Finding a spot in the back of the lot, I take a deep breath before opening the door. This is my time. She can’t run or dodge my calls. She’ll have to face me here and allow me to comfort her and show her that we’ll weather this storm together.

I step through the doorway and people are milling about. Most I don’t recognize, except maybe some of Caden’s faculty friends from the university. When I step in the room, my heart plummets to the ground. The sight of side-by-side caskets with bouquets of flowers fill the front of the room. It’s hard to express that it’s almost peaceful that they went together. God knows I can’t imagine continuing my life without Kailey. Caden kept to himself mostly, but he showed the deep love he had in his own way. It wasn’t unusual for me to find him crying in his car, downstairs late at night, or just the sporadic tears that would overflow his eyes when Jen would be throwing up all night or admitted into the hospital. I sign the guest the book and wait my turn to give my condolences. My heart clenches, my mouth goes dry, and I fight to keep my feet planted to the ground. As much as I want to run to her and wisp her away from this whole scenario like some prince from the fairytales I read to Chloe and Tara, I don’t because this is reality not only for her but me too. Her body shifts, and her gaze concentrates on the floor in front of her while she waits for guests to hug her and whisper their sympathizes in her ear. Her aversion to looking up reveals she knows I’m here. How could she not? I felt her in the parking lot. That undeniable connection Kailey and I have had since I laid eyes on her that day.

People inch forward, and my time draws closer. She won’t be able to escape me. She’ll have to face me. I keep my eyes on her because there’s good chance I’ll be chasing her at some point.

The closed casket is lined with pictures of him, Jen, and the kids with an enormous bouquet of flowers. A small red sash, reading ‘Loving Husband and Father’ peeps out. Caden’s parents flew in the day after the accident, finally willing to help out. It’s the only reason I’ve given her the distance; otherwise, I’d be sleeping on that damn couch until she comes back to her senses. They give me their sympathies back. Caden had become a good friend over the past months, and I can’t help but sense his parents and he had a strained relationship. They’ve been upfront and honest that due to their age and location, they can’t take responsibility for the kids, not that Kailey would want or allow it. I place my hand on the casket and say a silent prayer for a funny, straight-forward man, who’s up in heaven with his lovely wife. No one could have predicted that they would leave this earth together.

Instantly, my mind takes me back seventy-two hours ago. Mr. Troutdale’s deep gravelly voice rings in my head. “There’s been an accident...the ambulance was hit...it rolled several times...Mr. Campbell wasn’t strapped in...only the driver survived.” Kailey’s sobs were the next noise to fill the room. Her repeated ‘I don’t understands’ has me begging every last person in heaven to take this pain away from her. Send Caden and Jen back down, make this nightmare go away, make my girl happy again.

Kailey stays strong through her tears, even going down to identify the bodies after constant pleas from me not to. The police are willing to let me go by myself, but Kailey says she needs to see them to believe it.

She never even fully loses it when we go home. Deciding on how we’re going to tell the girls, Kailey decides to tell them together. Brady, Sadie, and Dex take Drew to the park while we sit Chloe and Tara down. Tara on Kailey’s lap and Chloe on mine, we tell them there was an accident, and that their parents wouldn’t be coming home. Of course, neither fully understands.

Later that day, Tara passes out from crying in a fit asking for her mom and dad, and Chloe sits in her room playing by herself. I knock softly, and she turns my way. The redness in her eyes evidence she’s more upset than she’s letting on. My feet carry me across the plush carpet, and I sit beside her, crossing my legs. Her collection of Barbies is strewn across the floor. “Do you want to talk?” I ask her.

“No.” She picks up the red-haired doll and changes her into a fancy dress.

“Are you sure?”

She continues to play quietly, ignoring my existence. “Where are they?” Her voice is soft and vulnerable.

“Remember how we’ve talked about this? In Heaven,” I remind her of the conversations I had with her a few weeks ago when she cornered me at the park. Asking questions about her mom being sick and what did dying mean. I worried it wasn’t my place, but I figured I should be straight with the kid. She had legitimate questions.

“With the pretty angels,” she recalls. Picking up a doll-sized brush she starts combing the red hair over and over again.

“Yeah, she’ll watch over you now. Her and your dad. They’re never far away from you.” My best attempt to understand something I’ve never had to fathom. Everything inside of me breaks for not only this little girl, but her siblings as well.

“Will I see them?” My shoulders fall and my eyes close, willing myself to come up with anything in order to leave this girl with some hope.

“One day, you’ll meet them in Heaven. But right now, just know they’re looking over you.” Her eyes meet mine, and she studies my face for a few breath-starving minutes.

“I miss them,” she says straight-faced no emotion.

“I know.” I hold out my hand, and she clasps it tightly.

We sit for a while in the silence filled room until Dex knocks softly saying they had pizza downstairs. Chloe lets go of my hand and walks out of the room. Dex clasps my shoulder when I pass him. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah, eventually we will be,” I say.

That day I realize I would be a father to these children. Kailey and I would be their guardians. The scariest part of the whole realization was...it wasn’t. Thoughts of my days with Kailey and these three kids don’t frighten me. No anxiety or panic wash over me. Of course, I wish they could have their parents and vice versa. It’s the ultimate devastation to a family, one I would reverse in a second if I had the power. But I couldn’t, I was powerless except for the fact I could be there for them. Give them a life filled with love and laughter. I just have to convince Kailey first.

Her back is turned to me when I approach, but she knows I’m here. The urge to touch her is too great to ignore. My hand steadies on her hip, and my feet bring me closer to the warmth of her body. Leaning into her, her apple scent has me breathing deeper. It’s been two long days without her, the longest I’ve been away from her since we confessed our love for one another.

“Kailey,” I plea, begging her to let me love her, love all of them. Give me the chance to prove this is what I want, instead of her deciding for me. Her head drops, and her shoulders shudder making my hands automatically pull her toward me. Entrapping her in my arms, I hurry her out of the room while whispers swirl around us. We barge into the room I spotted on my way in. Luckily, it’s empty, and I lock the door.

I sit on the flowered couch and bring her down to my lap. She finally releases all her tears and grief into my shirt. Rubbing her arms and telling her she’ll get through this, I patiently wait for her to calm down. Anger starts to boil in my blood that things should be different. I should have fought harder when she pushed me away. With all her attempts to appear as though she’s fine and holding it all together, she’s not. How could she? How could anyone?

Forty-eight hours ago she made the decision to cut me out of her life. I sit on my bed stunned as she ends it with me. She grabs my heart, yanks it from my chest and tosses it out the fucking window. Her words are kinder at first. “You deserve a life...a life I can’t give you...this is an instant family, Trey. You’re only twenty-three.”

Then I hammer back arguments like, “You’re my life...I only need you...I love all of you...please, don’t push me away.” Our voice rise as she pushes and I pull back and forth until she hammers the final nail. “I don’t love you, Trey.” My mouth drops for the pure fact the words could leave her mouth.

“Don’t say that,” I instruct her, grabbing her by her upper arms.

“I mean it, Trey. I was just using you.” Her desperate plea to break me. She pushes my hands off her arms, and they drop to my sides. She escapes from the room, her frantic footsteps running down the stairs. The twist of the doorknob and slam of the door announcing her departure jolts me to run after her. My feet can’t go fast enough, even slipping down the last few steps. Her car is pulling out by the time I open the door, and I sprint, pounding on her window not to do this. She places her car in drive once she gets to the street, and stares at me. Her tear filled eyes look ready to burst, I think she’s relenting. She rolls her window down, and I’m positive this is it. She’ll park back in the driveway, we will drive over to the house, relieve Caden’s parents from watching the kids, and snuggle up in bed and comfort each other. I’ll help her prepare the funeral arrangements, pick out what Caden will wear and stuff like that. “It’s over, Trey,” she tells me and speeds off before I can say anything.

I stand there in the middle of the street watching her taillights disappear like some fucking movie. There’s no way she meant it, right? We’re more than this. My throat contracts with the thought of never touching her again; never a brush of our fingertips, never a taste of her luscious lips. Just like that I’m back to being seventeen, signing the papers and handing my daughter over. The guilt and pain are too unbearable, the urge to forget, to numb this pain too great to deny. I begin to walk back to the house when movement from the corner of my eye draws my attention.

“Hey, Trey,” Bridgette flirtatiously says, twirling her long hair around her finger. She’s dressed in a white tank top and tight blue boy short panties. Why hadn’t I stayed on that path, the easy one? There are no bumps, twists, or sudden curves, just a straight and flat easily accessible road with on and off ramps. “I’ve got your favorite bottle,” she informs me.

Flat and easy sounds good right about now.

Kailey rises quickly to her feet and walks to the door. She cannot leave this room. I need to prove my love to her. Fight the case she didn’t let me two nights ago. Show her how fucking good we are together. Her right hand has a tight grasp on the lock, and desperation tears into me. Grabbing her and caging her between my arms, I plant my lips on hers. The immediate desires pools between us, and I slide my tongue through her parted lips. When her body relaxes and sways into mine, I know I have her and she knows it too. She feebly attempts to push me away, even though her mouth and tongue continues to mingle with mine. I use my strength over her as my advantage, pressing my body against hers.

Then she places both her hands and with all her force, pushes me away. Anger boils in my veins that it’s not enough. I can’t get her to understand how wrong all this is. How ridiculous and selfish she’s being.

“We can’t, Trey, just leave,” she spouts with eyes glued to mine.

“No, it’s bullshit, Kailey, and you know it.”

“Why won’t you just let it go?”

“Because you love me. Don’t deny it, Kailey. Stop cheating what we have.” She briefly wavers, and I take my last opportunity to pull her into me. Her body contours with mine. Her head just under my chin, so I can kiss her apple scented hair. My arms stretch around her, my one hand firm against her neck with my fingers laced through her hair. She relents, reaching her arms around my back and just like that, we’re back. The warmth of our bodies merge together into one solid form.

“Please, Trey, go,” she begs in a soft whispery voice, barely audible. There’s no wish I wouldn’t grant Kailey. Nothing I would deny her—except for that.

She bolts out of my arms and out of the room within seconds. Chasing after her, the crowd of people in the waiting area has increased. My eyes find the little brunette within the crowd. She stops at Kailey, and then her face beams and her little feet sprint my way. “TREY!” she screeches and heads my way. I scoop her up and my throat constricts when her small hands cup my face.

She tells me about Jen, and I remind her what we talked about. I know she’ll never remember this day, but a pain will fill her in the future that doesn’t today when she’s old enough to realize that her parents died much too young and were unable to watch her grow. Keeping her in my arms, we walk into the room. Hushed whispers of family or friends discussing the situation, pointing Kailey out as the Aunt and now guardian fill the room. The one older lady’s voice rings in my ear, “That’s the boyfriend. Like he’ll stick around. Just look at him.” I want to go up to her and ring her a new one and tell her where the hell to go. How dare the old hag question my dedication and love for not only Kailey but the kids. But starting a fight in the middle of a wake might not be the best way to plead my case.

Rallying up the crew, I lead them into the back of the room. A couch and a few chairs fill the space, but it’s more segregated and removed from the people. Kailey’s eyes glance our way occasionally. Not sure if she’s just watching the kids or myself, probably both. The gang walks back and Brady grabs Drew out of my lap.

“This little man loves me.” He starts tossing him in the air, and Drew laughs incessantly the whole time.

“Brady, you’re going to make him throw up,” Sadie says, shaking her head in disapproval.

“No you won’t, will you, little man,” Brady speaks solely to Drew, and he giggles again.

Jessa pulls out some coloring books and crayons from her bag and hands them out to Chloe and Tara. Oh, my friends, I love them. They’ve done so much to help us. I know Sadie and Jessa took turns spending the night with Kailey the past two nights. I would have thought one of them could have convinced her she’s being bullheaded and needs to let me decide the fate of my life.

Dex is the last to make his way to the back of the room. Shaking his head, I already know what he’s going to say. “I tried, man. She won’t listen to me.” He clasps my shoulders and before I notice all the guys are in a circle with me.

“I don’t know what to do. I got her alone, but she’s still convinced she knows best.”

“What’s your plan?” Grant chimes into the conversation.

I entwine my hands on the back of my neck in exasperation of her. Kailey, a girl who’s had me chasing her from the first day I stared into the emerald depths of her eyes. “I don’t know what else I can do,” I admit I’m coming close to defeat.

“We’ll think of something. How about a weekend alone, just you two?” Brady adds.

“No, it has to be the whole family,” I tell him, especially now. There’s no way I’m taking her away from the kids. Then across the room, I spot my in. A man I’m sure can flip this around back in my favor. “Thanks, guys, but I think I got it.”

I walk toward Kailey, and her eyes roam over my body. She likes what she sees, and I want to get down on my knees and thank the heavens above. At least I got one thing going for me. I stand to her right, giving her space to be comforted by people that truly love her. Holly’s skin is now sun-kissed from the sun of Colorado, and she pulls Kailey toward her and holds her tightly against her. Kailey slightly breaks, and I see her back rising and falling at a rapid rate. Clyde shakes my hand and then wraps the two of them into a great big bear hug. The three of them all weep for the family they’ve lost. Feeling like the outsider that I am now, I wait patiently until they finish. Then Holly abruptly yanks me into the hug, and I wrap my own arms around her and Kailey. Before I gather what has happened, Holly slowly moves her and Clyde out of the circle, leaving me holding Kailey. As though she knew what’s going on, and she’s trying to fix it. Clyde keeps his wife at his side and eventually Kailey calms again. When her head picks up and she gathers I’m her comforting source, she straightens her back and wipes the tears from her eyes. She focuses on the group behind Holly and Clyde and walks over extending her hand.

Holly shakes her head and pushes her arm through mine, escorting me out of the parlor. I pray that between her and Clyde I’ll be back where I was forty-eight hours ago.


Chapter 18

Kailey

Trey stays for the duration of the wake. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde take the kids back to Jen and Caden’s, along with Caden’s parents. He silently stands by the doors, shaking hands with guests as they leave. His way with people has always amazed me. That everybody is my friend attitude warms people to him immediately, even with his outward appearance of tattoos and piercings. It was the one characteristic that first drew me to him like a moth to a flame. I remember how much he consumed my thoughts and dreams when I was still invisible to him. It’s hard to believe, he now stands there at those doors peering over to me with eyes so packed with love my heart swells from just one glance. I should have never dragged him into my life in the first place. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.

The last couple leaves and the funeral director walks into the room. Trey follows close behind him, unwilling to leave my side. God, I love that man. Forever loyal. The director informs me of tomorrow’s schedule, the time of each step. He asks about the pallbearers, and my gut sinks, realizing I never thought about it.

“It’s all taken care of. I can give you a list of names,” Trey conveys.

My astonished face stares up at him, and he places his hand on the small of my back, rubbing small circles.

“It looks like you have it all set then. Thank you. We’ll see you tomorrow at nine o’clock.” The director escorts us out of the room, shutting the doors behind him. A feeling of loneliness washes over me. The two people who were second parents to me, now lay in that room, still and empty. Trey immediately wraps his arm around me and pulls me into him. His lips brush the top of my head as he leads me out into the summer night air together.

Since Holly and Clyde took the van, Trey’s my ride home, and the fact he knows that already leaves weariness in me. We drive to the house, his hand in mine, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles like always. The comfortableness between us has me wishing things were different. I imagine that we’re on our way back from a magnificent date, where he swooned me with his sweet talk and kind gestures, instead of the reality.

The lights are on in every room when we pull up, and I’m assuming all the kids are up, most likely struggling without their normal routine. “Looks a little crazy,” Trey mentions, throwing the car in park.

“Yeah, I better get in there. Thanks for the ride and...everything,” I say, staring into my clasped hands.

“Let me help you get them calmed down and in bed?” I shake my head, trying to discourage the eagerness in his voice.

“No, I got it covered. There’s a lot of help in there.” I point to the house.

“Okay. I’ll pick you up tomorrow for the funeral.”

I shake my head again. “I’ll be fine. Thank you, though.” My fingers grasp the metal door handle, but my heart is struggling to let me actually leave. I need to make this fast, or I’ll never get the courage to do it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. But if you need—,”

“I won’t. Good night, Trey,” I whisper and quickly exit the car. I rush to the door as fast as I can, shutting it as though some stranger is chasing me.

“What the hell is that all about?” Holly asks, wiping her hands on the dishtowel. Chloe and Tara are running around, screaming and laughing. When I enter the family room, I release a relieved breath that Drew is asleep in Uncle Clyde’s arms.

“Where are Caden’s parents?” I ask, since there’s no sign of them anywhere.

“I sent them to the hotel.” Aunt Holly finishes loading the dishwasher. “And now, it’s bath time,” she pretends to chase after the girls, and they squeal up the stairs. “You,” she points to me, “stay,” she instructs and points to the couch.

Uncle Clyde gives me a tight smile, and I solemnly walk toward him, finally figuring out why Trey was my only option for a ride home tonight. I’m about to take Drew from his arms when he shakes his head and nods toward the seat on the couch. I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than five minutes all day, and I’m antsy without a child to hold or a task to complete. “Where’s Trey?” he asks casually, like he knows nothing of the break-up.

“On his way home, I assume,” I answer, fidgeting with my fingers.

“Why?” he arches his eyebrow, and I bite the inside of my cheek.

“Give it up, Uncle Clyde. I know you know.” I roll my eyes with irritation.

“Watch it, I’m still your elder,” he jokingly warns. “Stop being stubborn,” he tells me, and I curl my legs up under me on the couch. The sound of small footsteps running along the hallway has me thinking I should be up there instead of here. “Holly can take care of them,” he informs me and widens his eyes anticipating my answer.

“You know as well as I do that he doesn’t need us in his life.” Uncle Clyde and I have always had a close relationship. I still remember asking him question after question about my parents. With him being my mom’s brother, I would dig into their past growing up and my parents’ marriage. A pre-teen in the mountains of Colorado for an entire summer with no friends, can be much like a game of This Was Your Life. He always took my interrogations with ease and finesse, weaving in and out of certain topics only divulging necessary bits of information.

“True,” he nods his head with agreement. My head zips up, and his smiling face looks my way. “He doesn’t need an instant family. He just graduated, and now his girlfriend just became a guardian of three kids. Can you imagine what he must be thinking?” I’m not sure where exactly Uncle Clyde is going with this, but I remain quiet, waiting for the ‘aha’ moment. “What? That’s all I have.” He stands up and rocks Drew in his arms. “Time to get this little guy to bed.” He stands in front of me, and my vision follows him until he disappears out of my peripheral sight. “But, Kailey, remember, sometimes you want things you don’t necessarily need. From what I see, Trey definitely wants not only you, but these three kids.”

His thumping footsteps go upstairs and after ten minutes the house rests. No more little footsteps scurrying across the floor or laugher bellowing down the hall. Just silence. I turn on the television, needing the noise of distraction. Yukon Men is on, it’s a show Trey got me addicted to, and I half wonder if he’s watching it now too. Allowing myself to forget my life and live in someone else’s for just sixty minutes, I grab a pillow and lay down.

The clattering of pots and pans wake me the next morning. The television shut off and a blanket over my body, has me thanking Aunt Holly. Then my heartbeat increases. The kids. I quickly stand up and am about to run upstairs when Holly is smiling my way as she whisks eggs. “Relax and have a cup of coffee,” she says motioning with her hands.

“Chloe. Did she wake up? Have a nightmare?” I’m practically breathless from the anxiety.

“She did wake up, but I was able to ease her back down. It was only once.”

“Thank you. I guess I was more tired than I thought,” I place my head in my hands, staring down at my cup of coffee.

“Well, if you’d let your boyfriend help out, you’d be more rested,” she smirks my way and turns her attention back to the stove. Fluffy pancakes cook on a skillet and bacon sizzles in the oven.

“I don’t need the lecture from you too,” I prop my head in my one hand, bringing the warm delicious coffee to my lips.

“Kailey, he loves you. Anyone can see that. I know you can too,” she says, flipping a few pancakes and then pouring the eggs into the hot pan.

“It’s not about if he loves me,” I’m finally going to reveal my biggest fear. Something only Jen would have known.

“What then? I don’t want to hear the bullshit about not tying him down.”

“Of course it’s that. He deserves to live a happy life, have a family of his own someday,” I start explaining. “I made a mistake in Colorado. I should’ve fought him, not let him pursue me. I should’ve squashed it immediately. Then he wouldn’t be in this compromising position. He’d be free, living his life without this drama and heavy responsibility.”

“Why didn’t you?” This is not the question I thought would come out of Aunt Holly’s mouth.

“I had liked him for too long, and then suddenly he starts telling me he wants to date me. You know that one guy in high school that you just can’t stop staring at? The one who makes your body shiver with goose bumps just from the sound of his voice? The one you secretly hope to be seated next to or partnered up with in Biology class? The one that you hope one day notices you and falls madly in love with you for ever and ever?” I don’t know if I’ve ever been this honest with anyone about my infatuation with Trey before he knew I existed.

“Doesn’t everyone have that one crush? But it doesn’t mean that it can’t come true. That the prince can’t open his eyes one day to find out his Juliette has patiently been waiting for him.” She mixes up her fairytales, but I understand her meaning. God, I love Trey with every beat of my heart, and that’s why I won’t let him pay for my mistake.

“No, it’s just a fairytale. There’s a reason he never noticed me before. I was just a conquest he tried to conquer and now he’s mistaking it for love.” I can practically feel the coldness of the lies I’m spouting, but it will get me through today. If I can escape the funeral without Trey coming home with me, he has a chance, an opportunity to escape us and find his own life.

“Aw, sweetie, you obviously see a very different man than I do then,” she says, giving me a weak smile and turning her complete attention to the stove.

I’m shocked she actually lets the subject rest, that’s never been her way. Eventually, the girls come downstairs, sleepy eyed and tired. No doubt from their late night. Usually we’re stricter with the bedtimes, but we’re all in uncharted territory.

Chloe sits in her chair while Tara climbs into my lap. My fingers run through Tara’s hair cut in a short bob, similar to Jen. Their resemblance is uncanny. My heart aches for my sister. I already miss her, and it’s only been a few days. Since Tara is nuzzling up to me, pushing her head in the crock of my neck, I know she’s missing her too. The kitchen quiets and even the charismatic Chloe is silent and solemn. Aunt Holly flitters around, placing food filled plates on the table, grabbing the margarine out of the refrigerator, and opening drawers and cabinets for silverware and plates, stacking them on the table. “Don’t just sit there, set the table,” she demands, and Chloe and I start placing plates and silverware out. Tara jumps off my lap and turns on the television, sitting down in her Dora pillow chair.

“Look who woke up?” Uncle Clyde comes downstairs with Drew his arms. I’m surprised to see how fitting of a father he is, since he and Holly never had children of their own. Drew squirms out of his arms and after Uncle Clyde lets him down, he waddles into the room with Tara. Standing up, Uncle Clyde hugs me. “Did you do any thinking last night?” he asks.

“No, she passed out on the couch before I even made it downstairs,” Holly answers for me. “She’s still being blind and stubborn,” she informs him, and he shakes his head in disapproval.

Ignoring their comments, I grab a sippy cup, fill it with milk, and take it to Drew. Pouring Chloe and Tara’s milk, I place them at their settings and excuse myself to go get ready. My feet skid to a stop when I hear Chloe say to Aunt Holly, “These are much better than Trey’s. Where is he?” A heart wrenching pain hits my chest. Is it really fair that I take him away from her too? Quickly, I disregard the thought, it’s better now than in a few months when this life becomes too much for him to bear.

I pass the closed bedroom door to Caden and Jen’s room. Briefly, I think how I would have borrowed something from Jen to wear today on any other occasion. All her beautiful dresses and pants suits from the dinners and faculty events she attended with Caden. The noise from kitchen float up the stairs showing the kids are finally really waking up. My hand reaches for the doorknob on its own accord. Twist it, I tell myself. Bury yourself in the grief, surround yourself in it. Looking down at the floor, I rush in and shut the door behind me.

The smell of fresh linen and cotton has my eyes closing in remembrance of my sister’s favorite scent. Her room spray that she had to swap for candles after the kids came rests on the dresser counter. The bed is made with the precision Caden always possessed. The suitcases sit on the floor next to the footstool. Trey must have brought them in when we returned. Pictures of her and Caden at their wedding, the day they brought Drew home, and all of us last spring on the porch steps line along her dresser. A bowl full of dried up rose petals from the first bouquet Caden ever brought her amongst them. Slowly I walk to the bathroom and their toothbrushes rest next to their designated sinks. Caden’s cologne placed on his shelf with his aftershave and deodorant. Everything exactly where it should be as though he had outlines drawn to where they belong.


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