Текст книги "Sweet Addiction"

Автор книги: Maya Banks

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

CHAPTER 32

It was raining when they landed in Houston. A cold drizzle had set in and showed no signs of letting up any time soon. Cole hurried Ren into a car where the heat was already running and he began the drive back to his house.

She curled up in the front seat and turned to face him, watching him as he drove. It was a bit of a shock to be back in the real world as she called it. The last days had been surreal. Like they’d taken place in an alternate reality. Paradise. Fantasy land.

Her body was deliciously sore from being used so hard and she’d never felt better. She wanted to stretch like a cat and purr.

Cole turned to her as he maneuvered through traffic. “Enjoy yourself?”

She smiled and nodded. Then she cocked her head to the side. “Why did you do it?”

He lifted one eyebrow in question.

“I mean, why did you let Mike do what he did? I would have thought you would never let another man take what you consider yours. You’ve said many times you don’t like to share.”

“I knew it was what you wanted,” he said simply.

Her eyes widened. “You let him fuck me because it was what I wanted?”

“Can you think of a better reason? I knew it turned you on. I can read your body language. As soon as he touched you, your pulse went up, your breathing sped up and you were instantly aroused. You wanted it and so I gave it to you.”

She touched his cheek, stroking the strong line and exploring the light rasp of stubble. “Thank you. For everything. Not just Mike and C.J. and all the pampering. But thank you for those memories. It was a wonderful few days.”

He captured her hand and kissed the inside of her palm before letting it go once more. “You’re quite welcome.”

They arrived home a few minutes later and Cole ordered her to bed. He did it laughingly because he could see she was falling over with fatigue. She gratefully crawled between the covers and melted into the pillows. She didn’t even remember him coming to bed. She slept long and hard but when she awoke the next morning, he was wrapped around her, a reminder that she belonged to him.

She smiled and then kissed his neck. Then she began extricating herself from his hold.

“Where you going?” he mumbled sleepily.

“Work,” she answered softly. “I want to work for a while. I haven’t written in days. I want to finish.”

He kissed her forehead. “Okay. I’ll check on you later.”

And he did. But she was so immersed in her writing and her drawings that she waved him away, her lips pursed in absolute concentration. She was compelled to finish the story and the drawings. They were so clear in her head that she feared if she took even a break that everything would disappear before she could get it down.

She worked through the day and into the night. Cole brought her a tray of food and left it on the desk beside her but crept quietly away, not disturbing her or insisting she stop.

After over twenty-four hours of work, she sat back in her chair and rotated her stiff neck. Her back was killing her. Her muscles were stiff and sore and her eyes felt like sandpaper every time she blinked.

But she was finished.

She closed the journal where she always completed the preliminary draft and caressed the aged, soft leather. Then she secured the ties around the floppy manuscript and held it to her chest.

Already she knew what she would do with it. She had a hard copy on her computer. She’d scanned in her drawings and compiled everything into one file to send to her publisher. But this copy would go to Cole. She could hardly wait to show it to him. Would he recognize the story? Would he see himself and Ren in the pages?

Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she clutched the journal to her chest and hurried off to find Cole. He wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen so the next logical place to find him would be his office.

She stopped outside his door when she heard his voice through the cracked door. He was on the phone.

She pushed open the door to peer inside and her gaze connected with Cole’s. He motioned her inside and held up one finger to signal he’d only be a minute.

She wandered in and took the seat in front of him. She settled back and let her gaze drift over him and his surroundings. She’d seen his office but she’d never really spent any time in it. Certainly not when he was conducting business.

He was even dressed for the office. Sort of. Or at least he had been. At one time he’d been wearing a tie, a long-sleeved white shirt and slacks. At the moment his sleeves were rolled halfway up his arm and his tie was loosened so it hung halfway down his chest.

Or maybe he’d even gone to a meeting while she’d been closeted in her office.

He rang off then put his phone down, turning his gaze on her. “Hey. You okay? You look tired.”

She pulled the journal away from her chest and placed it on the desk. “I finished.”

She pushed it toward him, suddenly nervous. What if he hated it? What if he didn’t see the parallels between the story played out in the pages of a children’s book and their own?

“You want me to read it?” he asked hesitantly.

She nodded. “It’s for you. I mean, this is. I always do my rough draft in a journal such as this and I keep them but I want you to have this one.”

“Is it okay if I read it now? I’ll call down for breakfast. You can go down and eat or I can have it brought up here. Entirely up to you.”

She nodded. “I’ll eat up here with you if that’s okay.”

He smiled. “I’d like that. Make yourself comfortable.”

Taking him at his word, she found the couch, but more than the comfort it offered, she wanted away from him where she couldn’t see his facial expressions as he read her story.

He leaned back in his chair and carefully opened the journal. She watched from the corner of her eye as he turned each page, his forehead creased in concentration.

A moment later, a knock sounded and the woman Cole employed to run his kitchen came in bearing a tray of breakfast for Ren. She set it on the coffee table in front of the couch where Ren sat and then backed away, disappearing as quickly as she’d come.

Ren smiled. All her favorites. A cup of hot chocolate. A toasted bagel with cream cheese with scrambled eggs and bacon piled on top.

She settled down to eat but she still kept subtle watch on Cole. When she finished, Cole was still deep in concentration, and she knew she couldn’t be here when he finished.

She rose and wiped her hands down her pants. “I’m, uhm …I’m going to go grab a shower. I’ve been up forever. Need to brush my teeth. Do all my girlie stuff.”

Cole looked up from the journal, blinking as if he’d forgotten she was there. “All right. I’ll find you later.”

She fled the room, grateful to have an excuse to leave. She did shower but did none of the girlie stuff she’d hinted at. She didn’t even dry her hair but rather combed it straight, dressed and then went outside into the garden.

There was a nip in the air and she breathed deeply, enjoying the scent of smoke either from burning leaves or perhaps a nearby chimney.

She wandered down one of the spiraling pathways to a fountain in the center of the garden. She sat on the bench and listened to the soothing bubble of water splashing over the rim.

She was finished. Another book done. With each project she completed, though there hadn’t been many yet, she always feared being able to duplicate the creativity that went into creating the story. What if she couldn’t do it again?

Lucas had laughed over her fear and told her that she was brilliant and that only brilliant people worried about not being brilliant any longer.

It hadn’t made sense to her but she liked the idea that someone found her intelligent. She didn’t always feel smart for some of the choices she’d made.

For how long she sat, soaking up the peace and tranquility around her, she wasn’t sure but she heard footsteps and looked up to see Cole walk toward her, the journal in his hand.

Her mouth went dry. Why did his opinion matter so much? She should be able to shrug it off. Subjectivity and all that jazz.

He sat beside her and for a long moment didn’t say anything at all. Then he turned to her, his eyes full of wonder.

“You’re amazing, Ren. I’m so damn proud of you.”

Her cheeks warmed and she went limp with relief. Joy shot through her veins like a dose of adrenaline.

“You liked it?”

“Liked it? I think like is way too tame of a word to describe my reaction. You’re so talented. The pictures, the way you turn a phrase. Your writing is very evocative. It’s very …nostalgic. God, it made me think of so many things in my childhood that are bittersweet.”

He reached up to touch her cheek, smoothing his thumb over her skin. “And it reminded me of us.”

Her chest ached and her throat knotted. “It was us. In a way. Perhaps a younger and more innocent us. A fledgling friendship but a relationship that meant the world to them as ours meant the world to us.”

“Yes, I could see that. Reading it made me ache, Ren. I’m so damn proud of you. It was an amazing story. I’ll treasure the draft you gave me always. And even when it’s worth millions of dollars because you’ve become rich and famous beyond words, I’ll still treasure my copy and keep it safe and private.”

She leaned into his side and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Thank you. That means the world to me. For so many years I felt so …adrift. Only in the last year have I begun to think I know what I’m meant to do and be. It probably sounds silly and melodramatic but it’s taken me a long time to get to this point where I feel like I have direction.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I don’t think it’s silly at all. Sometimes it takes some longer than others to find their way. It doesn’t make their contribution any less valuable.”

She smiled and hugged him tighter. “I love you.”

“And I love you, darling Ren.”

She snuggled a little deeper into his arms and closed her eyes.

He let her remain there a moment longer before carefully prying her away. “What do you say I take you to bed now? You’ve been up well over twenty-four hours. You have to be exhausted.”

She nodded ruefully. “I am. I feel like I could sleep forever.”

He rose and then pulled her to her feet beside him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and walked her back toward the house.

CHAPTER 33

“Lucas is here.”

Ren’s head shot up at the grim statement. She was sitting at her desk checking e-mails and taking care of things she’d let languish during the time she was with Cole and when she’d been working.

She wanted to be calm but her hands shook, betraying the turmoil that churned inside her. She stared at Cole who stood just inside the door, trying to get a read on him.

His features were impassive. There was no expression on his face. His eyes were shuttered.

She pushed herself upward and she walked haltingly toward the door to stand before Cole.

“Where?” she croaked.

“Outside.”

She pushed by Cole and walked down the stairs, her pace quickening with each step. By the time she arrived at the door she was nearly running. Her hand closed around the knob and she drew in steadying breaths as she tried to calm her raging emotions.

Then she flung the door open and stepped outside.

Lucas’s car was parked just a few yards away and he stood, leaning against the passenger door, looking as arrogant as ever. He seemed relaxed while she herself was a flaming mess.

He was here but now what? Was he saying good-bye? Had he come to bring her things?

And then he simply opened his arms and she flew across the gravel to launch herself into his embrace.

He wrapped his strong arms around her and held her tightly. To her shock he shook against her. Every bit as much as she shook.

“You came,” she whispered. “You came.”

He hoisted her up in his arms until she straddled his waist and he was holding her up on eye level. “I’ll always come for you, Ren. Never doubt it.”

His dark eyes flashed with tenderness, clear affection, but this time there was something much stronger there. Something beyond sweet regard.

He pressed his lips to hers in a gesture so gentle it nearly undid her. There was no control or dominance in the kiss. It felt as unsure and as relieved as she’d been.

“I thought you were leaving,” she said in a cracked voice. “That this was your way of moving on. Of making sure I was taken care of. I thought you were tired of me.”

He cursed colorfully under his breath and gently lowered her to her feet. Then he tipped her chin up to meet his burning gaze.

“I did this for you, Ren. Only for you. I have no intention of leaving you. Ever. Do you understand that? Do you know what it is I’m really saying? Because I don’t think you do. These two weeks have been hell for me and I’ve counted every goddamn minute until I can come reclaim what is mine.”

She couldn’t seem to breathe right. The words registered but she didn’t know quite what to make of them. Relief stormed through her senses. Lucas was here. He hadn’t deserted her. He wanted her back.

Then her stomach dropped. Cole.

Oh God, Cole. Cole whom she loved. Cole who loved her. Cole who she wanted to be with every bit as much as she wanted to be with Lucas.

She turned, her every intention to go back in. To somehow find a way around this mess. But what? How? How could she possibly find a solution? What the hell was she supposed to do?

And then she saw him. Standing on the steps looking at her and Lucas.

Again with that impassive face. Those cool eyes. Barely flickering as his gaze passed over her. She made a sound like the cry of a wounded animal.

“I’ll arrange for your things to be delivered,” he said. “Good-bye, Ren.”

“Good-bye?” she whispered. “But Cole, you said …” She bit her lip painfully not wanting to make a fool of herself. But then what else was there for her? There was no pride in love. She’d already laid herself bare before him. Before both men. “Cole? You promised. You told me we’d find a way.”

But Cole wasn’t listening. He nodded in Lucas’s direction and then simply turned and walked back into the house. Ren’s mouth dropped open and hurt splintered through her, throwing jagged shards into her soul.

She started after him. She had to know why he’d lied. She wanted to know how he could do this again. Why?

Lucas caught her hand and tugged her back. “Come away, Ren. It’s over now.”

“But he said …He promised …,” she choked out in anguish. “I can’t go yet, Lucas. Please.”

She tugged against him, fighting him for the first time ever. Never before had she challenged his dominance. She turned back to the house, trying to get back to Cole even as she stared at the door he’d closed behind him.

Lucas gathered her gently into his arms and steered her toward the passenger seat of the car. He opened the door, got her into the seat and carefully buckled her seat belt. Then he brushed his lips over her forehead.

“I hate myself right now for what I’ve done to you. I never wanted to hurt you. It’s the very last thing I wanted to do. I’m sorry, Ren. Come home with me. Let me make this right.”

She sat numbly in the seat, her gaze fixed on the front door to Cole’s house. He’d come back, right? He’d realize what a terrible error he’d made. He’d remember his promise, wouldn’t he?

Lucas slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine. It roared to life and he began to pull away. Ren turned so she could still see the door, tears streaming down both cheeks.

Please, please come back. Just open the door. I love you.

But it remained solidly shut as Lucas drove away and the door disappeared from view. She turned and bowed her head, allowing her hair to cover her face as she wept silent, aching tears.

Beside her, Lucas reached his hand over and tentatively curled his fingers around hers.

“It will be all right, Ren,” he said softly. “I swear to you, it will be all right.”

She shook her head because it would never be all right.

* * *

Cole stood in the upstairs window in brooding silence as he watched Lucas’s car pull away. Then he stared down at the journal in his hand. He had the sudden urge to hurl it across the room but he hugged it close to his chest instead. It was a precious gift and one he’d treasure always.

Ren was gone and she’d left behind a gaping hole in his soul. His heart. His mind. She’d taken the most essential part of himself with her. His love. Always his love.

He’d watched her with Lucas. Seen the relief and the ache in her eyes. Had seen how torn she was the moment she realized that Lucas hadn’t abandoned her. He knew then that he’d lost.

Ren would never choose between the two men and neither were going to let her go. But one of them had to. It was the only way. Ren would tear herself apart and above all, Cole wanted her to be happy.

So he’d made the decision for her. He’d sent her away because it was the only thing for him to do. If he stood and fought for her, even if he won, she’d never be happy with him because Lucas would always be between them.

If he let her go, eventually she’d get over her sense of betrayal, just as she’d done before and Lucas would be there every step of the way. She’d be happy again.

Together they’d both be miserable. Apart, only he would be miserable. It was a hell of a note and two days ago he’d have said that nothing on earth would keep him and Ren apart. But it was a selfish vow and an unrealistic one at that.

He’d been a fool to barge into her life again and manipulate her as he’d done. He knew exactly why Lucas had agreed to the bargain. Lucas had taken a calculated gamble and the bastard had won.

And once again, Cole had lost the only thing that had ever mattered to him.

CHAPTER 34

“Why did you do it?” Ren choked out.

She sat huddled on the couch in Lucas’s home, a home that hadn’t been hers for two weeks. An eternity. She clutched the blanket around her, more for comfort than for true warmth. It was perfectly comfortable in Lucas’s house. As it always was.

She glanced around, half expecting things to be changed. Her presence somehow washed away. But it was still littered with many of the things she and Lucas had chosen together. And there were her things as well. Her books. A purse. A pair of her shoes. A scarf. Things that ordinarily should have been put away, but it was as if he’d left them out as reminders.

Lucas stood staring out the window a short distance away, his body tense and brooding. Silence fell between them and she pushed where before she’d never have dared. She wanted—deserved—an answer.

“Why did you send me to him? If you weren’t tired of me. If you weren’t moving on and seizing the opportunity to make sure I was taken care of. If none of those are the reasons, then why, Lucas?”

He turned then, something fierce flashing in his eyes. “Because I bloody well love you. All right? Happy now that you’ve managed to strip me to the barest of layers? I’m bleeding before you, Ren. I’m as vulnerable as a man can be when the woman he loves sits crying over another man.”

She blinked in astonishment and then she gave him a bewildered look. “I don’t understand. If you loved me then why did you look right through me when I saw you at the restaurant? If you loved me, why on earth would you send me back into the arms of a man who once hurt me so badly? Are you insane?”

He laughed, a dry, humorless laugh that made her wince.

“Insane? That’s one word for it. At the restaurant …Do you even know why I was there?”

She shook her head.

“I was there because I knew it was where you’d be and I wanted just a glance. I wanted to see how you were. If that bastard was taking care of you. And what did I see? I saw you smiling and laughing and looking so damn happy that it damn near killed me. And I knew if I looked at you, I’d damn well be on my knees begging you for forgiveness and asking you to come back with me that minute. But I gave my word and you looked happy,” he said in a bitter voice.

She covered her face with her hands. And then he was there in front of her, kneeling on the floor as he gently pulled her hands away from her face.

He held her wrists captive in front of her as he stared into her eyes. “You asked me why, Ren. I’ll tell you why. Because when you met him again, I saw something in you. I saw a spark of something that made me uneasy. Seeing that also made me realize several things. Mainly that I loved you and the thought of losing you made me crazy.”

Her mouth popped open but he released one of her wrists and put his finger across her lips. “Let me finish.”

She nodded and he let his hand fall away.

“I had to come to terms very quickly with the fact that you weren’t like other women I’d been with. What I felt for you wasn’t just sexual or me fulfilling a kink. And it befuddled me. I’ve made a practice of not getting emotionally entangled with women. But you snuck up on me. I can’t even tell you the point in which my feelings for you changed. Just that they did. With any other woman but you I would have sent you to Cole and been happy to do so. I wouldn’t have felt like my guts had been ripped out and I wouldn’t have counted the days until I could return for you. I would have moved on as you accused me of doing.”

“I still don’t understand,” she said tearfully.

“I wanted you to be happy, Ren,” he said quietly. “If Cole was the person who was going to make you happy, then I wanted you to have your chance with him. Did I want you to go? Hell no. But I thought you should go so that maybe when you returned to me—if you returned to me—you could let go of the past and embrace your future …with me.”

She swallowed and stared at him in wonder, trying to digest everything he’d just admitted. Her heart was bursting but she wasn’t sure if she was happy or devastated. How could she be sure when she hurt so much?

He moved onto the couch beside her and pulled her into his lap. For a long moment he held her tightly against his chest and caressed her arm.

“I was wrong, Ren. I’m sorry. I never wanted you to be hurt. I should have known this would put you in an untenable position. I wasn’t thinking that way. Maybe I thought it would be an easy choice. Your past or your present. I’m a black-and-white kind of person, but you aren’t and I should have seen this coming. I swear I only wanted to try to be unselfish and to give you the happiness you deserve.”

Lucas didn’t often admit he was wrong. It wasn’t that he was too arrogant to ever think or admit he was wrong. He simply wasn’t often wrong.

“I don’t know what to do, Lucas,” she whispered.

He went still against her and then in a low voice he said, “If you want to go back to him, I’ll drive you over.”

Tears stung her eyes. Eyes that were already red and swollen and that she hadn’t imagined had any more tears to shed.

“It’s not that easy. It’ll never be that easy.”

“Why? Talk to me, Ren. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She pushed herself up so she could look into his eyes. She owed him that much at least.

“I love him.”

The dullness in his eyes hurt her more than she could have ever imagined. Lucas wasn’t one who often showed emotion. Ren could never remember him appearing vulnerable. He was strong, disciplined and he was always in control.

She palmed his face, unable to bear the pain in his expression or the bleakness that had entered his gaze.

“I love you too, Lucas. I was so miserable with Cole.”

Lucas frowned. “But—”

“It’s so twisted. I was miserable because I realized after you left that I loved you. Everything else was already there. Trust. Respect. Friendship. Desire. I was distraught because I’d convinced myself you had dumped me on Cole and I’d never see you again. But at the same time, being with Cole made me incredibly happy. Satisfied. I realized that I loved him too. That I’ve never stopped loving him.”

Lucas’s expression softened. There was relief mixed with sadness. He stroked her cheek even as she held his face in her hands.

“Have you ever been torn between two impossibilities and knew in your heart that no matter which way you went or which path you chose that you were doomed to unhappiness?”

“Oh God, Ren. I never meant for you to feel this way.”

He leaned his forehead to press against hers. He cupped her face and kissed her, wiped away her tears with his thumbs.

“I’m so sorry, baby. We’ll find a way. I promise.”

She stared at him, grief overtaking her until the words nearly choked her. “He said that too. He told me that we’d find a way. That he wouldn’t let me go. And yet at the first opportunity, he walked away. Again.”

Lucas enfolded her in his arms and rocked back and forth as she buried her face in his neck.

“I’ll make it right,” he whispered. “Somehow I’ll make this all right for you.”

She clung to him but blocked out the promise. She didn’t want any more promises. She only wanted truth. The hard, ugly truth.

“I love you, Lucas. I do. I want you to believe that. I don’t want to be without you no matter how it may sound. I’m hurting right now, but I’ll survive. I survived before. Just please be patient with me. Don’t be angry because I can’t give you one hundred percent of me just yet. I’ll get there. I swear it.”

She made the vow because she was determined that it would be so. Cole had walked away from her once before and she’d been devastated then. Now? She was destroyed. It hurt worse the second time. But she refused to allow it to dictate the course of the rest of her life.

Lucas was the best of men. She loved him and he loved her. In time she’d be able to embrace her future with him. But first she had to lay her past to rest.