Текст книги "Sweet Addiction"
Автор книги: Maya Banks
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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 20 страниц)
CHAPTER 37
“Marry me.”
Ren stiffened in Lucas’s arms and pushed away from his chest to stare at him. “What?” She couldn’t have heard him right. Ren didn’t even equate marriage with Lucas. It was traditional. Lucas was anything but. He was a free spirit. Liked things his own way. He wasn’t one to uphold tradition. He was much too likely to forge his own, separate from the ideals of the majority.
She didn’t doubt that he loved her. His confession had been painful and almost angry. But it had been raw and honest and she knew without a doubt he spoke the truth.
But marriage? She couldn’t even wrap her head around it. For that matter, she wasn’t sure she was a traditionalist in that sense.
“Marry me,” he said again softly.
Her brain synapses were firing but she couldn’t seem to get her tongue to work.
Lucas chuckled. “I see I’ve managed to make you speechless.”
“Marriage?” she finally managed to croak out.
“Yeah, you know, that thing that people do when they’re in love and want to commit to a future together? It’s customary to participate in a ceremony of sorts, exchange rings or other meaningful symbols of their love and they make promises to remain faithful, et cetera, et cetera.”
“Smart ass,” she muttered. “I know damn well what it is. I just didn’t imagine that you were the marrying type. I’m pretty sure you’ve told me in the past that marriage wasn’t an institution in which you were swayed to participate in.”
He grimaced. “Sometimes I can be a dumbass. And other times I’m wrong. I want us to get married, Ren. I want that commitment from you but more than that, I want to offer my commitment to you so that you’ll know without a doubt that I’ll love and cherish you for the rest of my life.”
She made a sound of impatience. “Lucas, if you’re doing this so that I’ll feel secure, I assure you I don’t need a gesture so grand.”
“It’s what I want, Ren. Okay?”
She blinked. “Well okay then. In that case …” She bit her lip, suddenly overcome with the magnitude of the moment. This wasn’t something to be taken lightly even if she’d never quite imagined herself in such a position.
But isn’t it what she wanted? Deep down? Hadn’t she dreamed of love and children and happily ever after? She certainly had once with Cole.
“In that case?”
She took a deep breath. “Perhaps we should wait. Just a bit. Maybe when things aren’t such a …mess.”
He cupped her cheek and stared into her eyes until she was disconcerted by the intensity in his gaze. “Tell me something, Ren. What is your first impulse? What was that very first gut reaction telling you right before you started to overthink the situation and come up with reasons why you shouldn’t?”
She licked her lips nervously. “I would have said yes.”
Triumph gleamed in those dark, delicious eyes. A predatory smile carved the hard lines of his mouth.
“Then that is what you should do.”
“You would marry me even knowing that I was in love with another man?” she asked quietly. She hated to bring Cole up again but it wouldn’t be fair if they didn’t at least take her feelings into consideration before making such a huge decision.
Lucas kissed her gently, his lips moving warm and tender across hers. “Do you love me, Ren?”
“You know I do,” she said huskily.
“Then that’s all that matters to me.”
She drew in a deep breath. “All right then. If you’re sure. Then yes, I’ll marry you.”
Even as she said the words, it felt like she was closing a concrete seal over a tomb. Her heart ached with grief. For Cole. For a man she had loved and did love. Would always love.
But perhaps in time it would dim and fade and she wouldn’t think of him so much. She’d done it once. Had gotten on with her life when she hadn’t been able to imagine doing so. And she hadn’t had Lucas then. Not for nine long years. But she had him now and no matter what she felt for Cole, she did love Lucas with all her heart and soul.
A kernel of peace settled over her soul. In time she wouldn’t feel so raw. She just had to get through the present.
She smiled up at Lucas, her heart full of love.
He smiled back and gathered her hand in his. He traced a line around her ring finger with the tip of his.
“It’s customary for a man to give his intended bride a glittering, expensive token of his love and devotion.”
She laughed. “Indeed it is.”
“I think perhaps we should choose one together. I would want you to have a ring you’re happy with.”
She leaned forward to kiss him. “You make me happy, Lucas. Not a ring or a promise. Just you.”
His expression became serious. “You’ll be happy again, Ren. Trust me to ensure it.”
“I do,” she said softly. “Just be patient with me.”
He kissed her, his mouth sweet and possessive. “Always.”
Cole stood outside of Lucas’s home and stared up at the cozy mixture of stone and wood. Somehow he’d expected something a little more imposing. More in keeping with Lucas’s aloofness. But the house was warm and inviting. It had the look of an English country cottage. Only bigger. The grounds were immaculately rendered. Even in winter, the shrubbery was bright and alive with the promise of spring blooms.
It was a place that looked like it would be alive with love, laughter and children running about shrieking with delight and playing hide-and-seek.
There was a hole in his stomach that seemed to yawn wider with every minute he stood here trying to make up his mind whether to go in or not. Lucas had been explicit. Show up or don’t show up. But this was it. Do or die. If he didn’t take the opening now, it would never be extended again. The door would effectively be shut on Cole forever.
Even after an all-night conversation with Micah, he didn’t feel wholly reassured. Micah had been sympathetic to Cole’s position but thought he was crazy if he didn’t leap at the opportunity to have a life with Ren even if it meant sharing her with another man.
But then to Micah, the arrangement seemed almost normal. He wouldn’t even blink an eye over the nontraditional arrangement. If only Cole could embrace it as easily.
He curled his fingers into tight fists at his sides. Inside the large wooden doorway just a few feet away, Lucas was positioning Ren. He was taking her through the paces of a scene that Lucas had carefully constructed. All that was missing was Cole.
All he had to do was walk in that door and he’d see Ren again. But fear held him back. What if she had no desire to see him again? What if he’d used his allotment of second chances?
What if Ren really was better off with Lucas?
Ren walked to the center of the living room and stood in front of the stone fireplace facing Lucas, who sat sprawled in an armchair. He was in a mood tonight, one she couldn’t quite figure out.
He’d bathed her, pampered her endlessly, brought her wine in the tub and fed her bits of cheese and fruit. And when she was done, he’d dried her and brushed her hair until it sparkled and shone.
Once he was finished, he’d instructed her to come to the living room in just a dressing robe. Then he’d left her in the bedroom and gone down ahead of her.
Her skin tingled in excitement as she stared into his enigmatic eyes.
“Disrobe.”
The simple command made her shiver. She tugged at the tie holding the lapels of her silk robe together and then shrugged out of the sleeves, letting it fall to the floor.
The warmth from the flames warmed her back but it was Lucas’s gaze that warmed her from the front. There was approval, lust and …love in his eyes.
She stood proudly before him, her head a little higher than it had been in the last week. It was still hard for her to sleep at night but Lucas had brought her a measure of peace with his attentiveness.
Standing here looking at him and seeing what she now recognized as love on his face, she was tempted to break discipline and throw herself into his arms. Hold on and never let go.
But pleasing him was more important to her and now more than ever she needed his quiet dominance.
“You’re lovely, Ren. I could sit here watching you all night. There is such an elegance about you. Your features are so striking. But I think what I love most is your smile. You’ve not had much to smile about in recent weeks, but tonight I hope to remedy that.”
There was an odd note to his voice. Almost caressing. She basked in the warmth in his tone, unconsciously leaning forward as he spoke.
“Tonight you’ll decide how we start. Tell me what your fondest wish is and I’ll grant it.”
“Me bound. Utterly submissive. To you. My dearest wish is that tonight you have me in any manner you desire,” she whispered.
His smile was tender as he rose. “Do you know how I see you, Ren?”
She shook her head.
“I imagine you on a pedestal, displayed to your best advantage. Beautiful inside and out.”
He went to the window and pushed out the square leather ottoman. It was huge, an accompaniment to the leather sectional in the library, but Lucas had always kept the ottoman in here because he liked to position her on it.
It elevated her to a perfect height for her to kneel and be on level with his cock to either suck or for him to fuck her from behind. And it was plush and comfortable on her knees. She could remain on it for hours and never complain.
Tonight he pushed it to the center of the living room, a distance from the fire so she wouldn’t become too warm but would still enjoy the warmth in the otherwise cool room.
Then he left the living room for a moment and returned with two metal posts attached to heavy bases. He positioned them on either side of the ottoman and then left to get two more. When he was done, there were posts about two feet out on all four corners of the ottoman.
Without a word, he picked up Ren, curling her into his arms and carried her to the leather cushion. He turned her on her knees and stroked a hand over the curve of her back and then to her buttocks.
“Stay here. On your hands and knees. I’ll be back in a moment.”
She put her palms down, enjoying the sumptuous feel of the buttery-soft leather. Then she spread her knees at a comfortable distance and positioned herself according to Lucas’s instructions.
A moment later he was back and he came in behind her. First there was the warm clasp of his hand around her ankle and then next she felt the slight abrasion of rope. She closed her eyes and sucked in her breath as he wrapped the length around one ankle.
It was then she realized the purpose of the posts. He secured the rope binding her ankle to the post, pulling it tight in the process. Then he repeated the process with her other ankle until her legs were spread wide and her feet were splayed outward, opening her completely from behind.
“Lower your head,” he ordered quietly.
She dipped her head down.
“Lower. Rest your cheek against the ottoman.”
She complied, tilting her body down so that her ass was higher than her head and she pressed her cheek to the soft leather.
He pulled one arm out beside her so that it dangled over the edge of the ottoman and then he wrapped rope around her wrist. Then he pulled outward until her arm was stretched and he tied the rope to the corresponding post.
When he finished with the other hand, she was effectively trussed hand and foot, secured to the ottoman and vulnerable to whatever he chose to do to her.
“I’ve left you just enough slack that you can raise your head when necessary,” Lucas said. “For now you can rest your cheek as you are. When I tell you to move, you’ll lift your head so that your mouth is as accessible as your ass and pussy.”
She nodded her understanding.
He hesitated a brief moment, his hand resting on her head. “Before we begin, there is something we need to have an understanding about.”
She frowned, though her expression was hidden by the veil of hair obscuring her face.
“We haven’t discussed a safe word since the beginning of our relationship. You’ve never used it. I need to be sure you remember it so that if anything occurs tonight that is not to your liking, anything at all, you will simply say the word and it will all stop.”
She was confused and a little worried at his tone but she nodded. She trusted him to stop. Absolutely.
“Say the word. This once so I know you remember it.”
“Butterfly,” she whispered.
“Good girl. Now choose your instrument. I have a desire to mark your pretty ass tonight.”
She closed her eyes for a moment. “A belt.”
His hand went still on her shoulder. “A belt? Interesting choice. Not one we’ve used before.”
She should have said a crop. She should have just gone with the familiar and not put Cole anywhere into this scenario, but she couldn’t take the words back now.
“You can use mine.”
Her head whipped up, putting a painful strain on her arms as she twisted her head in the direction of that voice. She blew at her hair to move it from her eyes and ground her teeth in frustration when it wouldn’t budge.
Then Lucas gently pushed the hair from her face, collected it in his hands and pulled it around to her back so her vision was no longer obscured.
Standing across the room just inside the doorway was Cole.
CHAPTER 38
Ren couldn’t breathe. She was so in shock that she couldn’t even process the simplest thought. What was he doing here? And why was Lucas standing there, holding her hair, so calm and measured that it could be anyone at all in his living room.
Her chest hurt. Her eyes stung. Her pulse was thudding hard in her ears and all she could hear was a dull roar.
“Remember your safe word, Ren,” Lucas murmured.
And finally it all made sense. Somehow, someway, they were here together and the reminder of her safe word was Lucas’s way of ensuring she was okay, not just with sex, pain and having her boundaries pushed, but with everything. Him, Cole and whatever the two of them had planned.
Cole stared at her with his piercing blue eyes and then he slowly walked forward, closing the distance between them. He came to stand directly in front of her and Lucas tightened his grip around her hair, forcing her chin up even farther.
Then he leaned down and kissed her. Hard. So savage that her oxygen-starved lungs screamed for mercy. Then he pulled away and took one step back.
Lucas’s hand relaxed and he settled in against her back, rubbing lightly. Then to Cole. “Your belt?”
Cole unfastened the leather belt, pulled it from his pants and handed it over to Lucas. Her neck ached from holding herself in such an awkward position but she couldn’t look away, no matter the strain on her bound wrists.
She had so many things to ask. So many questions burning her lips. But neither man had given her permission to do so. Which brought up yet another issue. Who was she to submit to? She closed her eyes and lowered her head, confused and aching.
“Look at me, Ren. You’ll look at me while he uses the belt on your ass.”
She jerked her head back up, her eyes flying open.
“Better yet,” Cole murmured as his hands went to the fly of his pants. He unzipped himself and let the pants gape open as he pulled out his cock. He stroked once and then twice and moved forward until the tip of his erection was a mere centimeter from her bottom lip.
“Open,” he directed.
She opened her mouth but he made no move to enter. Not until …
The first lash of the belt cracked across her skin, shocking her. She’d momentarily forgotten. Her concentration and focus had been on Cole.
As soon as she cried out, Cole slid deep into her mouth, pushing to the back of her throat.
“Beautiful,” Lucas said in approval. “That’s my girl. Suck his cock while I play with your ass. Please him or you’ll be punished.”
But she was already being punished. Having Cole here, commanding her like he had the right had her heart in tatters. What could she have possibly done to have deserved such a cruel, heartless thing?
Cole gathered her hair in his hands, wrapped the strands around his fingers and pulled her forward to meet his thrust. Lucas popped the belt across her buttocks again and it was like laying down a strip of fire.
She gasped and was rewarded with another mouthful of thick cock.
“Relax, Ren,” Cole said. It wasn’t an order as much as an encouragement. His voice was tender, and just the fact that he was here, in front of her, speaking so sweetly, to her brought tears to her eyes.
“Let us bring you ultimate pleasure tonight,” he continued. “Let us show you how it can be.”
How could he be so cruel?
Anger. Grief. Love. The three conflicting emotions swelled in her chest until breathing was impossible. What game was he playing? Was this some sick taunt? A final farewell and, oh by the way, this is how it could have been between us?
Tears crowded, stinging her eyes. Her nose drew up. She couldn’t force air into her lungs.
Lucas brought the belt down over her ass, but it was no longer pleasurable. Each blow was painful. Sharp. The euphoric haze that normally surrounded her when Lucas laid leather to her flesh had evaporated, leaving her cold.
She strained against the bonds, panicking for a moment because she was utterly restrained. No give. She was helpless with no way to stop what was happening to her.
Cole shoved into her mouth. There was no longer any beauty to the act. For the first time, she felt used. Degraded. Mocked.
How could he do this to her? How could he be here when he’d walked away from her a second time? Worse, how could Lucas allow it? Did he want her to have closure? Because she was sick to death of decisions being made for her.
She struggled against the bonds but Lucas and Cole both followed her movements. The pain of the belt stopped and she went weak with relief for a moment. Lucas had recognized that she didn’t want this.
But then he slid into her, hard. Deep. His hips slapped against her sore ass as Cole continued to use her mouth. They had no mercy. Had no idea that she was dying on the inside.
Butterfly.
The word floated through her mind and she seized upon it, realizing it was the only way to make this stop and to make them go away.
She struggled fiercely again. This time Lucas paused, his hand sliding over her hip as if he was concerned. The moment Cole withdrew she yanked her mouth away and tried to say the word but it caught in her throat that was swollen with grief and unshed tears.
When Cole cupped her jaw to guide her back to him, she shook her head in silent rejection and then finally, her voice came to her.
“Butterfly,” she croaked out.
Lucas went completely still. He pulled out of her instantly and when Cole would have taken her mouth again, Lucas bit out, “Stop! It’s her safe word.”
Cole released her immediately and backed away. She didn’t look up. Couldn’t bear to look up. Behind her Lucas fumbled with the rope around her legs.
“Get her untied,” Lucas ground out. “Quickly.”
With both men working to untie her, she was free in just a few moments. She sagged onto the ottoman, refusing to meet either of their stares.
“Ren.” Lucas’s voice came to her, low and urgent. “Ren, what’s wrong. Did I hurt you? Are you all right? Tell me what’s wrong.”
He tried to touch her. He would have picked her up, but she warded him off, slapping at his hands, pushing him away.
She pulled herself into a sitting position and dragged her knees to her chest in a protective measure. She hugged them to her body, buried her face between her knees and rocked back and forth, silent tears streaking down her cheeks.
“Please just leave me alone,” she said in a hoarse, ugly voice.
A hand dropped tentatively to her shoulder. Cole.
And then on her other side, Lucas. He threaded his fingers through her hair and pressed in close until the heat from his body bled into her.
“Ren, look at me,” Lucas pleaded in a soft voice. “I can’t leave you alone. Not until I know what’s happened. Have I hurt you?”
She raised her tear-ravaged face then and the two men swam in her vision. She could see the stark worry reflected in their eyes. They looked …tormented. Unsure.
“I just need this to be over. I can’t do this anymore. How could you do this? Either of you? Haven’t you done enough? Did you really think this would help me? Or make me feel not so abandoned?”
Lucas, who was never at loss for words, stared at her as if he had no idea what to say or that he even understood what she’d burst out with. Maybe it didn’t even make sense to her. She just knew she was bleeding to death and there wasn’t a bandage in the world that would stop the flow.
Cole looked bleak. He rubbed his hand through his hair and then over his head to clasp the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have done this.”
It made her furious and she wasn’t even sure why his statement made her snap, but she was suddenly so very angry that it was like being infused with a shot of liquid fire.
She flinched away from Lucas’s touch and he backed away as if sensing that she desperately needed space.
“No, you shouldn’t have come!” she shouted. “Why did you come, Cole? Why? Is this some sick twist? It wasn’t enough you walked away again after promising me we’d find a way. Is this some kind of final farewell where you show me how it could be but can never be because you have no intention of ever keeping your promises to me?”
Both men looked shocked by her outburst.
She dropped her face into her hands as some of the tearing sobs finally clawed their way from her chest. The sound was ugly in the silence but she could no longer control the horrible grief swelling inside her.
“Ren, oh God no, Ren,” Cole said hoarsely. “No, no darling. That isn’t it at all. Oh God, you have to listen to me.”
He tried to tug her hands away from her face but Ren resisted and turned away, hunching into a miserable ball.
She was naked and vulnerable and not in the physical sense. She had no care for her actual nudity. It was just flesh. But her soul was flayed open. Her heart lay in shreds. She’d never been so intensely vulnerable in front of someone else in her life. Not even in complete submission. The most intense scene. No matter what paces she’d been put through. No matter how wholly she gave her obedience. Never had she felt so stripped of her self before. And it wasn’t a good feeling.
She felt ugly, dirty, used …betrayed. Betrayed by the very men she trusted and loved with everything she possessed.
She turned then to Lucas because her anger was a terrible thing, wrapping her in its heartless embrace.
“How could you let this happen? How could you do it? You knew how badly he hurt me. I told you everything, Lucas. Everything. You were supposed to protect me. You asked me to marry you and then you let him come here and use me and throw back in my face everything I’m trying to forget. How will him walking away a third time make me anything but more miserable?”
Those damnable tears slid endlessly down her cheeks. She wiped furiously, wanting to remove the signs of weakness. She wanted to be strong, now of all times. She couldn’t afford to be weak when the very men who swore to always keep her strong had utterly failed her.
“I’m not leaving you, damn it!” Cole roared. “Goddamn it, Ren, I made a mistake. One I’m never going to repeat if I can goddamn well help it.”
She pulled her gaze from Lucas to see Cole towering over her, bristling with anger and frustration. But when she met his stare, all she could see was endless pain and despair, a perfect match to her own.
Lucas slid his fingers over her chin, gripped her jaw and gently turned her back to face him. “I would never do anything to hurt you, Ren. Not intentionally. I love you. You’re my fucking life. Neither of us deserves your trust right now but I’m asking you to listen to us. Listen to what we have to say. Please.”
The please threatened to shatter her control. Lucas never asked for anything. He certainly never begged but this was as close to him being down on his knees before her as it was possible for him to get without actually being there.
There was a rawness to his eyes that grabbed at her gut and twisted hard. What she saw in his gaze made her ache all the more because it wasn’t confidence, arrogance or even anger she saw. What reflected in those dark eyes was vulnerability and fear. Two things she’d never imagined seeing in this man’s face.
And then to her utter shock, both men moved in unison. Both knelt awkwardly in front of her, down on their knees so they were on eye level with her.
Lucas reached for her hand and brought her palm to his lips as he bowed his head. “We’re at your feet, Ren. Give us a chance to explain. It’s all we ask.”
Cole took her other hand, threaded his shaking fingers through hers and pulled it to lay over his heart.
“I’m not too proud to beg,” Cole said hoarsely. “For you I’ll get on my knees. I’ll do or say whatever it takes to make you give me one last chance. Just one, Ren. It’s all I’ll ever ask of you again.”
