Текст книги "Sweet Addiction"

Автор книги: Maya Banks

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

CHAPTER 17

Cole made no move toward her even though they slept in the same bed. He made no demands of her. In fact, he didn’t so much as touch her.

After he’d told her she had a decision to make, he’d simply rolled over, turned off the lamp and then settled down to sleep. She, on the other hand, remained awake, staring into the darkness as she contemplated her circumstances.

She was completely befuddled by the turn of events. When Lucas had first told her that he was giving her to Cole, her emotions had been in a whirlwind.

Nothing had been right ever since that night at The House when Cole had walked back into her life.

It was hard to see past her hurt and betrayal, but after an entire night staring at the ceiling, she was beginning to realize what Lucas must have seen in her. And why he’d made the decision he made.

Lucas wasn’t the type to demand attention. Or loyalty. If you were with him, yes, absolutely he expected your entire focus, your loyalty and obedience. But he wasn’t going to make you do anything you weren’t committed to.

He must have known what Cole’s reappearance had done to her. Her distraction wouldn’t have pleased him. What surprised her more was the way he’d handled it. With such gentleness and understanding.

Wasn’t he angry? Was he afraid of losing her? Or was he resigned? Or did he even care about the outcome?

Or had he, like Ren feared, simply decided it was time for him to move on?

And if that was the case, why was she expending so much mental anguish over his defection?

Because you love him.

The admission frightened her. She hadn’t allowed herself to love anyone since Cole. And it wasn’t so much that Cole had ruined her for men for all time, blah blah. She’d been with several men since Cole. Men who had satisfied her. Men who hadn’t even come close. The usual mixture of winners and losers in a woman’s life.

It was just that no one had known her like Cole had. No one had managed to reach inside the very heart of her like Cole had. Not until Lucas. And she wasn’t even sure he’d tried. He just did. He got her.

And if she loved Lucas, which she was now pretty certain she did, why had seeing Cole again put her into such a tailspin?

Because you love him too.

Or at least she loved the man Cole had been. She loved the memory of who he’d been and what he’d meant to her. Who was to say he was still that same man?

Who was to say he wasn’t even better?

Tears of frustration bit at her eyelids. She’d expended more emotion in the last days than she had in years. She’d always been careful to keep herself firmly in check. Calm. Measured. She didn’t like feeling distraught and out of control.

She understood—or at least thought she understood—Lucas’s decision now. He wanted her to face her past. He wanted her to deal with the issue of Cole before she could move forward. With Lucas.

It was either that or he’d seized the opportunity to make sure Ren was cared for before moving on as he had in so many other relationships.

She wasn’t sure what about Lucas made it impossible for him to commit to a longstanding relationship. He’d been up front with her from the beginning that their arrangement wasn’t permanent, that it couldn’t be.

But as time went on and he seemed content, she put it out of her mind that it was a temporary arrangement.

She’d let her guard down. She’d allowed herself to fall for a man she couldn’t have.

Stupid.

She turned slightly to stare at the back of Cole’s head as pale light softened the room through the curtains. Cole wanted her. She couldn’t lie to herself that she didn’t still have strong feelings for him. She did.

He’d laid it out plainly for her. He wanted her. He would fight for her. He’d never give her to another man as Lucas had.

He’d also offer her the kind of relationship she wanted and needed. Wouldn’t he?

She had two weeks to find out. Two weeks in which to explore a relationship with Cole and to determine whether or not Lucas would come back for her.

And yeah, then she’d have a decision to make. A decision that already sent pain through her heart.

* * *

She felt him leave the bed. He was quiet so as not to awaken her, but then she still hadn’t slept. Her back was to him and she briefly closed her eyes, not yet wanting him to know she was awake. When she heard him go into the bathroom she opened her eyes and took in a deep breath.

For the next two weeks she would be his. There would be no half measures. Not sorta kinda or in between. That kind of relationship or agreement would never fulfill her. She needed—she craved—full possession. The safety and security of a completely dominant lover.

She needed the structure and rigidity but she also needed a man who knew when not to push too hard. Lucas had been that man. But so had Cole.

She pushed herself up and slipped out of bed, her feet flexing when they hit the wood floor. There wasn’t a rug or any carpet to soften her kneeling position, but it didn’t matter. Her discomfort wasn’t important. The message she would send to Cole was.

Complete obedience. Complete submission.

For two weeks, she was his to command.

After? She couldn’t bear to think that far ahead. There was too much she didn’t know, and she was afraid to speculate on the potential outcome.

She walked naked around to the foot of the bed and then faced the door to the bathroom. She sank gracefully to her knees, rested her hands palms up on the tops of her legs and settled her gaze forward, waiting for Cole to return.

He couldn’t possibly misunderstand the significance of the gesture.

Several long minutes later, she nearly closed her eyes when she heard the door open. Butterflies danced in her belly, but she forced her chin up so she could meet his gaze the moment he saw her.

He frowned.

Not exactly what she’d expected.

“Jesus, Ren. Your knees. How long have you been kneeling like this?”

He strode forward, reached down and gently pulled her to her feet. She wobbled a little unsteadily, taken aback by his reaction.

He guided her back to the bed and eased her down on the edge. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair was still damp from his shower. A single bead of water trailed down his side and she had the insane urge to run her tongue over it.

To her further shock, he went to one knee in front of her so they were on eye level. Every part of her rejected the sight of him kneeling in front of her. She stared at him with no idea of what to say or how to react.

He touched her cheek and sighed. “I appreciate the sentiment. I understand it. I’m relieved as hell. Don’t get me wrong, the sight of you on your knees blows me away. But I don’t want you in pain, Ren. I have hardwood floors in the bedroom. It can’t be comfortable for you.”

“I wanted you to know,” she began quietly.

He nodded. “I know you did. It’s me, remember? I think I went a little weak in the knees when I opened the door and there you were. It took me back to a much better time. When we were young and together, testing something new and powerful. I was so damn grateful that you didn’t get up and walk out while I was in the shower. Do you know how hard it was for me not to run out to see if you were still there? To calmly go through the motions of a shower and shaving all the while my gut was in a knot because I was afraid you wouldn’t stay?”

“I’ll stay. I’m yours.”

He cupped her cheek then leaned forward, brushing his lips across hers. First just a tender brush. Then he came back, fusing his mouth to hers. Her lips parted on a sigh and he slid his tongue over hers until she tasted the mint of his toothpaste.

As he pulled away, he murmured, “Oh yes, Ren. You’re mine. You’ll never doubt that for a moment.”

Then he rose and discarded the towel around his waist. He was such a beautiful man. He’d lost the lean softness of youth and in its stead was a muscled, rougher man that made her mouth water.

His cock was rigid, flared up toward his navel from a nest of lighter brown hair, almost blond like the rest of him.

“Go get a condom from the nightstand and put it on me,” he said in a terse, barely restrained voice.

She scooted off the bed and hurried to do his bidding. She wanted him inside her again. Last night had felt …practiced. Almost as if they had been putting on a show for Lucas’s benefit, and maybe Cole had.

Today, there was no one but Cole and Ren. No Lucas. No pretenses or awkwardness.

She tore open a condom and returned to sit in front of Cole. His erection was on level with her mouth, but he didn’t appear to have any intention of having her pleasure him with her lips and tongue.

With shaking fingers, she rolled the latex over his rigid length. Automatically her gaze found his as she awaited his next directive.

“Lay back, spread your thighs and bend your knees so the bottoms of your feet are flat on the mattress. Then spread yourself and hold on to your knees.”

She leaned back, clutching at her knees as her soles dug into the mattress. The position opened herself completely to him. She was vulnerable but so very excited.

He ran the tip of his finger from her clitoris to her opening and then slid it inside to the knuckle. She shuddered violently, her hips arching off the mattress in response.

“Keep yourself open,” he bit out when her hold on her knees loosened.

She reasserted her hold and then sucked in her breath when he lowered his head between her splayed thighs. Oh God.

He pressed the most tender of kisses to her opening and then lazily slid his tongue upward until it rolled over her clitoris.

Her fingers dug into her knees and it was a battle to maintain her position when her entire body was screaming in pleasure.

He licked her again, making long, sensual swipes with his tongue. The roughness over such tender and sensitive skin drove her to madness. She twitched from head to toe and was one breath way from coming completely unglued.

But he was in no hurry and he seemed content to stroke her with his tongue and suck lazily at her quivering flesh. He rimmed her entrance and then slid his tongue in, tasting her from the inside out.

Pressure. All she needed was just a little pressure in just the right place and she’d explode in the mother of all orgasms. But he seemed to know exactly how close she was to meltdown because he continued with gentle, featherlike strokes and caresses. He flicked his tongue expertly over and around her clit, never putting quite enough force behind the movements to send her the rest of the way over the edge.

But how he drove her mad. He was good. So very good at making her feel exquisite, mind-numbing pleasure. He was patient too. Never tiring as he coaxed her ever closer to the ultimate sexual peak.

But then he’d always been this way. Possessive and demanding, absolutely, but generous and loving as well. Even when it was all about him, somehow he always managed to put her first. She’d always adored him for that.

“You taste just as good as I remember,” he said huskily as he pulled away.

She stared at him through passion-glazed eyes, unable to move. Her entire body was liquid. He’d reduced her to a boneless, quivering mass of desire.

He took a step back and then positioned himself at her opening. He stared down at her, those blue eyes so unbelievably beautiful. “Look at me. Only at me.”

She locked her gaze with his just as he pushed inside her. Her breath caught and then came out in a gasp at his sudden possession.

“Mine, Ren.”

He pushed deeper until his hips were flush against the backs of her thighs and he held himself there.

“Who do you belong to?”

“You,” she replied softly.

“Who takes care of you?”

“You.”

“Say my name.”

“Cole,” she said obediently.

“Who owns you, commands you, takes care of you, sees to your every need?”

“You do, Cole. I’m yours.”

He thrust hard for several moments, his face straining as he slammed into her. It was a pure act of ownership. He was branding her. Putting his stamp on her. It was a display of sheer dominance.

Then as suddenly as he had taken her, he slowed and his thrusts became gentler. He leaned forward and slid his hands up her waist, causing her arms to fall to the bed. Her knees fell forward and her legs relaxed and he pulled her close to him until their bodies were tightly meshed and he was deep inside her, his hips undulating in a sensuous rhythm.

“And who’s going to cherish you and protect you and lavish you with all the affection you deserve?” he said against her mouth.

Her heart twinged and emotion knotted her throat. She kissed him back, feverishly, not answering the question for several long seconds. Then she finally pulled away and stared straight into those mesmerizing blue eyes.

“You are,” she whispered.

“Damn right I am,” he growled as he surged forward again.

He was big and powerful. He pinned her to the mattress, his weight easily making her captive to his demands. But he made her feel …safe. Desired. Wanted. And yes, cherished.

She should have felt apprehensive and unsure, as she had each time she’d slept with a man for the first time after embarking on a new relationship. But with Cole, it was like coming home. It was reconnecting with something she’d long been denied.

She knew that he’d never hurt her no matter what he thought or what blame and guilt he carried.

Trust wasn’t something she gave easily. It was hard won and she rationed it carefully. No, she knew he’d never hurt her physically. But emotionally?

He’d once broken her heart and she didn’t know that she could withstand another blow like she’d endured the day he walked out of her life.

Only now, it could well be her doing the walking away and it didn’t make her feel the slightest bit better or empowered.

It scared her to death.

He kissed her with savagery that seemed pint up to now and was suddenly released in a violent storm. As if he’d kept his control so tightly leashed for all this time.

His hunger was palpable. He consumed her. Desire consumed them both.

Lucas may have marked her the evening before but Cole was possessing her body and soul as if he could drive away everyone else in the world but him.

“Come for me, Ren. Show me your passion. Show me the girl I once knew. Show me she’s still there, the Ren I loved with everything I had.”

Tears were tiny daggers to her eyes. Each word pricked her soul. Even now, so many years later, he could cut to her very core with his words.

Her orgasm fluttered over her, light and delicate, a direct contradiction to the force in which he was restaking his claim. His body drove ruthlessly into hers, but his eyes …His eyes spoke a different message. They were gentle and loving. Intense. Burning straight through the barriers she’d constructed over the years.

It spread lazily through her veins, flooding her with sweet, endless pleasure. Sweet. Soft. Stroking over her body like a honey-dipped feather.

She sighed and tightened around him. Her palms stroked over his firm muscles and taut flesh and then she hugged him to her, buried her nose against his neck and inhaled his scent.

He was the very best part of her past. Of a girl bridging the gap between child and woman.

And now, if he had his way, he’d be very much a part of her future. A future she’d always envisioned having with him.

“That’s my girl,” he murmured as he stroked her down from her orgasm. “Now it’s my turn.”

He raised himself off her enough so that she was forced to meet his gaze. Then he began thrusting rhythmically. Harder. Until the slap of his hips meeting her flesh echoed over the room.

“Look at me,” he said harshly when she would have closed her eyes and dreamily drifted away.

Her eyes flew open again and she stared at the firm line of his jaw. The fire and determination in his eyes.

He screamed possession without saying a word. His body owned her. Over and over he took until she moaned softly, unsure of whether she wanted mercy or wanted none.

“Every part of you …mine. Your body is mine. Your ass is mine. Your breasts are mine. Your pussy is mine and I’ll possess it whenever I like for however long I like. Your mouth is mine to take. Say it, Ren. Say it while I come inside you. Tell me you’re mine and make me believe it.”

She reached up for him, looped her arms around his neck and pulled him down. “I’m yours, Cole. All of me. Every part. I’m yours to do with as you wish.”

And for now it was the absolute truth.

CHAPTER 18

Ren lay curled in Cole’s lap on the overstuffed couch in his sunroom. It was a beautiful room, full of windows bursting with light from the side and above. The room was almost completely glassed in and the view of his garden was magnificent.

It reminded her of a children’s book. A fantasy garden that hid secret pathways. Enchanted and magical.

It was clear that this house was Cole’s refuge. Built to exacting standards. Ultimate comfort and privacy in mind. Here nothing could encroach and that gave her an added measure of security and comfort.

He took another strawberry and held it to her mouth. She took a bite, the sweet fruit delectable on her tongue. Cole had arranged for an entire buffet in the sunroom and had fed her by hand whatever she wanted.

She felt pampered and ridiculously spoiled and now she was content to lie in his arms.

He’d kicked up his feet and stretched lengthwise on the couch so his back was to the arm. She was draped over him and every once in a while he reached for something to feed her. His other hand stayed in her hair and he absently stroked through it and down her arm almost as if it was impossible for him to stop touching her.

“I think this would be perfect for your office,” he said. “Do you think you can work here or do you prefer something not so open?”

It shouldn’t have surprised her that he would have arranged for her to have space to work. Lucas would have seen to it.

“It’s perfect.” And it was. Where better to create her own children’s tales than in a setting that looked straight out of one?

“I’ll have all your things brought here and arranged to your liking.”

She frowned. “I don’t have my stuff yet.”

“He had everything sent over this morning,” Cole said quietly.

“Oh.”

Silence descended and she tried so very hard not to read anything into the fact that Lucas had made no effort to see her. She wouldn’t allow it to hurt her because she had no idea the motive or lack of one and she refused to speculate.

“Do you remember when we used to do this on the weekends?”

Cole’s question brought her sharply out of her thoughts and sent her mind seeking in a completely different direction. Maybe it had been intentional. But it was effective because her mind wandered back to days spent just like this. She sprawled across Cole’s body, both of them content to just be.

Her smile was wistful and a little bittersweet. “Yes, I remember. We had such good times.”

He kissed her forehead. “Yes, we did.”

She angled her head so she could stare up at him. “How can we just fall back into this, Cole? We don’t even know each other anymore. It’s been ten years since we were together. This has all happened so fast that I’m having a hard time putting it all together. Is it a game? Are we having a fling for old time’s sake? I feel like I need to know what the expectations are. I mean, Lucas gave me to you. I get that. The three of us are adhering to rules that most other people don’t have any knowledge of and yet they’re important to all of us. Or at least they are to me. I need to know where I stand with you. Take away the rules, the agreement, the fact for the next two weeks I am for all practical purposes your property and just tell me what this is.”

“You don’t ask much,” he said dryly.

He stroked his fingers through her hair, kissed her tenderly on the forehead again and then expelled his breath in a long sigh.

“I made a mistake, Ren. I’ve always known it. Walking away from you was the worst decision I’ve ever made. I hurt you and I hurt myself. We were so young and I was so worried that I was taking you over. I should have trusted in your strength. I should have had more faith in myself but I loved you so much, it killed me to think of hurting you, of what I did to you or could do to you in the future.”

She leaned away to rest against the back of the sofa so that she could see his face.

“But the need in me wouldn’t go away. It shamed me because I thought that anything that had brought someone I loved pain was an …abomination. It wasn’t until later that I realized that it wasn’t the practice of dominance and submission that was wrong. It was my handling of it and my ignorance. It was me who placed you in a position of danger. You were mine to protect and cherish and I failed you on every level.”

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head.

He touched her face, stroked his fingers down her cheek as his gaze devoured her. Almost as if he couldn’t quite believe that she was here and would disappear at any moment.

“After you, I refused to participate in any practice that I didn’t extensively study and devote long hours to mastering. We wondered when we began if it was curiosity or a deep-seeded need within us. For me it was a need and now I realize it was the same for you. How perfect we were for each other,” he said ruefully. “Even more so than we ever imagined. But the truth of the matter was, I needed time to mature and grow and time to gain the knowledge necessary to provide a safe environment for you.”

“Did you have other relationships? Like ours?” she asked, though she dreaded the answer. It was stupid and hypocritical. She’d certainly had relationships. She hadn’t been celibate but somehow it hurt her to think of Cole cherishing another woman as deeply as he’d cherished her.

“Not like ours,” he denied. “Nothing like ours. My …Well, you can’t even call them relationships. They were encounters. And they were all very clinical. There were women who intrigued me. Whom I was attracted to, but the ones I was perhaps the most attracted to belonged to other men. Maybe subconsciously I felt safe in letting myself feel something for them because I knew I never had a chance with them.”

Her brow furrowed in confusion. “Why wouldn’t you have wanted a chance?”

His gaze settled on her. Deep and serious. “Because they weren’t you.”

Her breath caught and she felt light-headed.

“Ren, I loved you. I know you didn’t think so. Especially when I walked out on you. But for me there’s never been another woman who made me feel like you did. There were a few who came close and maybe if they hadn’t belonged to other men I would have enjoyed being with them.”

He caught her hand and pulled it to his mouth to kiss her palm. “I’ve been very successful in life. I’ve achieved all the goals I’ve set out to achieve. It’s brought me a measure of happiness. But there’s always been something missing and when I looked up in that restaurant and saw you for the first time in all these years, it all fell into place for me. It was like being hit by lightning. I can’t even begin to explain how it felt.”

She stared back at him in complete befuddlement. Her stomach knotted and she could barely squeeze air into her lungs.

“I looked at you and knew what was missing in my life. What I wanted in my life. I’ve never stopped loving you, Ren. I can’t make it any simpler than that.”

She swallowed but the knot didn’t go away. She had no idea what to say. How to feel. How could she make herself so very vulnerable when she was setting herself up for hurt no matter how this played out in the end?

Cole framed her face and leaned forward to kiss her lightly on the lips. “I’ve been brutally honest with you for one reason and one reason only. Because I want you to know from the start where I stand so that no matter what happens this week, no matter how hard I push you, no matter how far I take you out of your comfort zone, you know one thing if you know nothing else. You’ll know I love you and that I’d never do anything to hurt you again.”

He released her face but his gaze held her captive. “You can belong to any number of men. You can be possessed. You can be a possession. You can submit. You can be dominated. But none of that necessarily means you are loved and cherished above all else. You’ll know that with me, Ren. You’ll never doubt it for even a moment if I can help it.”

Tears gathered in her eyes. “Oh Cole.” She leaned forward until her forehead touched his and he swam in her vision as she tried to hold back the flood of emotion. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He tangled his fingers in her hair and held her close as their breaths mingled. “I’ve missed you too, darling.”

“It’s all so fast,” she murmured.

He nodded. “It is. We’ll slow down. I never thought it would be easy. You can’t imagine what it felt like to see you and know you belonged to another man. Really belong. I knew what that collar signaled and I knew that I’d have to fight for you. But there was no way in hell I was going to walk away again.”

She snuggled into his arms and laid her head on his shoulder. He was so strong and comforting. Warm. She needed that strength.

“I won’t be easy,” he warned.

She shivered at the dark promise in his voice.

“This time we have together will give you the opportunity to see who I really am.”

She glanced up into his eyes. “And you’ll see that I’m not weak. That I need your strength and the rigidity of a dominant relationship. It’s not just what I want, Cole. It’s what I need. It’s what I have to have.”

He nodded. “I understand. I’ll give that to you, Ren. I’ll give you everything.”

Contentment slid over her, loosening some of the tension in her muscles. She went limp against him as he continued to stroke her body, his touch tender and soothing.

“Now tell me about this career of yours,” he said against her hair. “Rennie Michaels? Children’s author extraordinaire?”

She laughed lightly. “It started as an escape. A way to deal with my unhappiness. My unfulfillment I suppose you could say. I would drift away, telling stories in my head and one day I decided to write them down. And then I began to draw the scenes, adding words to the pictures that danced around my mind. The second day I was with Lucas, after he moved me in with him, he came across my drawings and one of the books I’d put together myself. He insisted I submit it and so I did. To be honest I think he helped. He had connections. Before I knew it I had an agent and then an offer. They fast tracked that first book because it was already completed and little to no revisions were necessary. It released a few months ago and I’m working on the third in the series right now. The second will be released in four more months.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Her cheeks bloomed with heat and she smiled. “I love it. Sometimes I get too wrapped up in it, but I enjoy it. I have a purpose now. Job wise, I mean. Before I worked in marketing. I got my degree after you and I split up. But it’s so stressful and against my true personality. It was exhausting to make myself be this person I wasn’t and I finally quit trying. I owe a lot of that to Lucas. He was content to just let me …be.”

She glanced anxiously at Cole, already regretting that she’d brought up Lucas twice. It wasn’t that she was intentionally throwing Lucas in Cole’s face nor was she trying to make Cole jealous or make him feel threatened. The simple truth was Lucas had everything to do with the woman she was now. The woman she’d become over the last year.

She would have gotten there on her own eventually but Lucas had been a rock-solid source of support. She’d always owe him that.

“It sounds like Lucas recognized what a very special woman you were from the moment he saw you,” Cole said in a low voice.

Ren nodded, relieved that he didn’t take offense.

“What about your last relationship? Lucas said the man you were with hurt you.”

Ren could feel how stiff Cole went the moment he brought up the subject. There was a darkness to his eyes that told her how very dangerous he could be when provoked.

She swallowed and sighed. “A lot of it was my own fault.”

Cole scowled.

“No, really it was. I mean, it wasn’t my fault he was a dickhead, but it was my fault that I stayed as long as I did and that I settled for something I knew would never make me happy or fulfill me. That’s on me.”

“What did he do?” Cole gritted out.

“He wanted to change me. He had very set ideas—stereotypical ideas—of how a dominant submissive relationship should work. To be honest he’d watched too many porn flicks or read too many bad novels on the subject. Quite frankly he was a joke. He wanted to be king of the castle and for me to kiss his feet. His idea of dominance was abuse and disrespect. He felt powerful when he was humiliating me.”

Cole’s nostrils flared and rage built like a storm in his eyes. His grip tightened on her and just as quickly he began to rub his hand up and down her arm in a comforting motion that she was unsure that he was even cognizant of.

“That son of a bitch,” Cole hissed. “The little bastard. So he got his rocks off acting like an abusive asshole.”

Ren shrugged. “Basically, yeah. My fault. I mean, that I took it so long. I was at a crossroads and my problem wasn’t so much that I thought I wanted him. I knew I didn’t. My problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted and so I was afraid.”

He gathered her tightly in his arms and pressed his lips to her temple. “I’m so sorry you had to endure that. I’m glad you found Lucas. It sounds like he was a much better man.”

“He was—is,” she returned quietly. “In a lot of ways he saved me. From myself. He refused to let me settle.”

“It hurts me that someone hurt you. I’d like to kill the little son of a bitch. When a woman submits to a man, it’s the most precious gift she can give. Herself. Unreservedly. The man has to respect and honor that gift above all else. Even if he respects nothing else in the world, he must respect the woman in his care. It’s his sworn duty to protect, honor and cherish his submissive. To take care of her and provide a safe haven. Someone who would put his own needs above his woman’s is no man.”

She pushed herself up and rearranged herself so that she sat astride him on the couch, her knees resting on either side of him. She stared down into his eyes, touched beyond words at his vehement declaration.