Текст книги "Collateral Damage"

Автор книги: Kaylea Cross

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

“Girard.”

She cringed at the sound of Liam’s voice calling her name and stopped. Shit, no avoiding him now.

Bracing herself, she took a deep breath and turned around to face him. He stood near the lowered ramp with his two fellow Night Stalkers, hands on his hips and helmet still on, commanding and strong and still the most gorgeous thing she’d ever seen. She dreaded his next words.

His expression was inscrutable as he stared at her. “You and your sergeant need to come with us.”

She’d sooner be shot at by that triple-A again.

Ipman glanced at her for direction and she relented, knowing she didn’t have a choice. She started walking toward Liam, careful to keep her gaze averted so she wouldn’t have to look at him. He turned away before they reached him anyhow, heading back toward the Spec Ops part of the base. Though she knew she’d done the right thing under the circumstances by manning that weapon, her stomach still knotted as they approached the heavily guarded gate.

She’d broken a shitload of regs by hopping on board that Chinook, let alone by firing a weapon she wasn’t even qualified on. Still, considering the base had been under attack, she was pretty sure she’d be in the clear.

Ipman was silent as they made their way through security into the Spec Ops area. Liam glanced back once, as though to make sure she was still following, then strode for the nearest building. The young crew chief who’d recruited her held the door for her—Yates, the nametag on his utilities read—and offered her an encouraging smile that did nothing to dispel Honor’s dread before following them up the hallway lined with offices.

At the second one from the end she and Ipman waited outside while Liam and the others spoke to whoever was inside. Okay, her shoulder fucking hurt now and her shirt was stiff with dried blood. Maybe she—

Yates stuck his head out. “Come on in.”

Hands fisted at her sides, Honor stepped inside to face the two-star general seated behind the desk, trying to ignore Liam standing near the wall to her right.

“Shut the door,” he said to Ipman, his grim expression telling Honor everything she needed to know. This wasn’t going to be any fun at all.

As he started firing questions at everyone she started to fade out. She could see the general’s mouth moving, plainly read the anger burning in his gaze as he spoke to Liam, but the words didn’t register. She remained in place, expression impassive as he began to tear into her and the others, then stopped suddenly, his gaze flashing to someone behind her.

“Ms. Girard.”

It took her a second to realize that Ipman had already addressed her once. She looked over at him, startled. “What?”

His eyes shot to her right shoulder then back to her face. “You’re bleeding.”

She nodded once, opened her mouth to tell him she knew, that it wasn’t serious, but Liam suddenly stepped forward. He took one look at the back of her and muttered a curse under his breath. His hand reached for her, but the harsh expression on his face made her flinch and step back.

Liam froze, his hand inches from her upper arm. He stared at her for a long, painful moment before lowering his arm and turning his attention to the general. “Sir, permission to take Ms. Girard to medical.”

“No, it’s nothing,” she protested, embarrassed at the unwanted attention. But when she glanced down she realized her upper sleeve and back were saturated with blood. Guess maybe I’ll need more than a band-aid then.

“Fine,” the general said, “but this still needs to be dealt with.”

Ipman gently took her elbow. “I’ll take her.”

To her surprise Liam cut Ipman a lethal look that would have made a lesser soldier shake in his combat boots. “I’ll take her.”

Honor bristled. His territorial, apha-male bullshit was neither welcome nor appreciated, especially since she knew she meant shit to him personally. “I’ll take myself,” she muttered through gritted teeth and turned for the door, just wanting to escape.

Her hand was slightly unsteady as she pushed the door open and strode out into the hall. Before it swung shut Liam was there, only a few steps behind her. “Honor, wait.”

He’d only called her that because they were alone. For some reason hearing him say her name hurt more than whatever was buried in her shoulder. Steeling herself against him, Honor squared her shoulders and didn’t respond as she strode for the closest exit.

She’d already made the mistake of waiting for him once and she wouldn’t do it again.

Chapter Five

When Honor didn’t slow or even acknowledge his presence, Liam cursed under his breath and broke into a jog to catch up to her. He couldn’t blame her for ignoring him, since he’d been giving her the cold shoulder for the past few months. Their past didn’t matter at the moment though, and he didn’t give a shit whether she wanted to see him or not because he was going with her to the hospital.

By the time he caught up to her she was already pushing the exterior door open. He reached past her to hold it open, splaying his fingers against the glass. It wasn’t a surprise that she didn’t look at or acknowledge him but he was losing patience with her refusal to admit how badly she was hurt.

Not knowing what to say, he followed her toward Joint Craig Theater Hospital, sweeping his gaze over the back of her as they walked, taking in the blood soaking through her upper sleeve. Why the hell hadn’t she told him she’d been injured when he’d called out to her back at the hangar? Even though they weren’t together anymore, she had to know he would have helped her, right?

Guess not, genius.

His jaw clenched as he followed her, his eyes zeroing in on the damage. There were a half dozen quarter-sized holes in the back of her body armor vest and the upper half of her right sleeve was now almost completely saturated with blood, spreading out toward her shoulder blade. She must have been hit before hopping on his bird. He felt a surge of admiration for her. He respected the hell out of her determination and toughness.

Liam shook his head. If not for the Kevlar she’d have suffered broken ribs, maybe even internal damage, depending on how far the shards penetrated. The thought made his stomach knot in fear and the raw intensity of his reaction shocked him. Considering how hard he’d fought to get over her and move on, it was a giant sucker punch to realize he hadn’t. Not even close, if the giant fist squeezing his stomach was any indication.

He couldn’t stand the brittle silence between them a moment longer. “What happened?” he asked, staying right beside her.

“It’s nothing, only a flesh wound. Just needs to be bandaged.”

Like hell. He knew firsthand what shrapnel wounds felt like and knowing her she could have other injuries she wasn’t going to tell him about. Only a flesh wound? She had no idea what the wound looked like under there. “Honor. What happened?” he repeated, with less patience this time.

She let out a hard exhalation, as if his presence was trying her tolerance, and didn’t bother looking at him. “It’s no big deal and I’m fine. Go back to the debriefing. I don’t need help walking to the hospital—I know the way.” Her sarcastic tone made it plain she specifically didn’t want his help.

Liam eyed her pale face, unwilling to listen. There was no way in hell he was letting her go to the hospital alone when she was injured and bleeding that bad. He might hold a grudge but even he wasn’t enough of an asshole to leave her alone right now.

A thin rivulet of blood snaked down her right forearm and dripped off her wrist to the ground. The sight triggered a powerful and instinctive urge to comfort and protect, something he’d mistakenly thought he’d buried long ago. Despite what she’d said, he knew her wound wasn’t nothing. He also understood why she was acting this way.

When it came to self-protection, he was an expert. Since her his walls had walls, so he recognized the signs. Though he understood why she’d want her shields up around him now, it frustrated him that she’d freeze him out like this when she clearly needed someone. Before the epic meltdown with her family that had changed everything between them, she would have turned to him for help without hesitation. The thought set off a sharp twinge of regret in his chest.

“We need to put pressure on it.” Dammit, it was killing him to see her hurt like this and not be able to help.

She shook her head. “I’m almost there. I’ll do it once I’m admitted.”

Apparently her stubbornness hadn’t lessened any in the time they’d been apart.

Liam set his jaw and shortened his strides to stay next to her, wanting to wrap a supporting hand around her elbow but he knew she’d wrench her arm away and that would only make her wound hurt more. “Is your nurse friend working right now?”

“Yes.”

She didn’t elaborate and he didn’t push for more because he knew it would be a waste of breath. The emergency room was busy with a flurry of new patients from the earlier attack. Honor didn’t even flick a glance at him as he pulled open the door for her. “You can go now.”

Not happening.

Ignoring her icy dismissal he stayed with her as she went to sign herself in. Liam stayed to the side of the room, leaning against the wall and never taking his eyes off her. He kept his arms folded across his chest and curled his hands into fists to keep from dragging them through his hair in frustration.

Fuck, okay, he goddamn hated seeing her bleeding and in pain she wouldn’t admit to. It made him edgy as hell with the need to do something, anything, to make it better. Even though he knew he shouldn’t because it might send mixed signals he still wanted to touch her, hold her. Something.

The admitting nurse called someone to the front and another nurse came out with some gauze bandages for Honor a minute later. Honor took them and started to shrug out of her body armor, trying and failing to cover a wince. Without even realizing he’d moved, Liam found himself halfway to her before his brain caught up.

“Here,” he said gruffly, unable to sit back and not help her a moment longer. Even if she hated being around him, she needed help and she’d just have to suffer his attention because there was no way he was leaving her side right now. He tried to tell himself it was solely in the interest of looking out for her, but deep down he knew it was because he wanted to be near her.

It wasn’t a comfortable realization. She’d left him. He had every right to feel the way he did after she’d abandoned him like that.

Stuffing the gauze into his pocket he brushed her left hand away from her right shoulder and gently removed her Kevlar vest before peeling the sleeve of her ACU jacket down her arm. She stood very still but he caught the way she sucked in a breath when the sodden material pulled away from her skin and he immediately saw why.

Shrapnel had torn through her clothes, burying itself into the flesh at the back of her right shoulder and upper arm. She must have hit the ground hard too because both her elbows were bleeding, already swelling and turning color.

Sweet pea…

Seeing those wounds in her soft, delicate skin made him feel helpless. Where else was she hurt that he couldn’t see? He battled against his instinct to comfort and soothe. Two years ago he would have automatically gathered her into his arms and stroked her back and she’d have come to him willingly. Now that he no longer had that right, he found he wanted it back. So much that it was a physical ache gnawing beneath his breastbone.

“You’re gonna need more than a bandage,” he told her, carefully ripping the torn shoulder of her shirt apart to expose the wounds. Four of them that he could see, two small but deep and the others a few inches in length and definitely in need of suturing.

Liam frowned as he studied them. She was moving her arm okay so maybe there weren’t any fractures but if he’d learned anything over the past two years it was just how tough Honor was inside that feminine exterior. Wouldn’t surprise him if the shards had hit bone and she was merely putting on a brave face.

“They’ll have to do X-rays then pull the shrapnel out and stitch you up.” She’d be sore and bruised as hell afterward, even with only superficial damage. Goddammit, she could have died today.

Honor expelled an irritated sigh. “Great. Tell the general I’ll be in to see him as soon as I can.”

“Don’t worry about that.” And I’m not going anywhere until you’re taken care of. He didn’t bother saying it out loud because there was no point. She’d just argue and he didn’t care what she said, he was staying. It didn’t matter that they’d broken up on far less than amicable terms. Seeing her hurt bothered him so much that he couldn’t walk away, no matter what had happened between them. It also made him feel like an ass for the way he’d treated her, ignoring her when she’d reached out to him before.

Liam wadded up her bloody ACU jacket and tossed it onto the body armor vest he’d placed at his feet. Hating that she was still doing her best to ignore him, he wrapped a hand around her left upper arm and guided her to a plastic chair set against the far wall. She was stiff and unyielding at first, then gave up and sat down, still studiously avoiding looking at him.

A wave of pure helplessness washed over him. He knew he deserved this, her indifference. But being reminded once again that he was no longer part of her life and never would be again made him feel cold and hollow inside.

He took the seat next to hers anyway and slid the gauze from his pocket. “I’m gonna put pressure on them,” he said, gripping her left shoulder to hold her still as he gently but firmly pressed a pad against her wounds. She stiffened and her mouth tightened into a thin line but she didn’t utter a sound. His fingers itched to stroke her cheek, glide over her nape in reassurance.

They didn’t speak as they waited for someone to come see her. He kept his attention on providing enough pressure to slow the bleeding while she watched the hustle and bustle going on in the room and hallway beyond them.

The first small pad was soaked through within a few minutes so Liam used another, wishing he could do more. He knew she was hurting even if she refused to show it and it didn’t help that he was basically shoving the shrapnel deeper into her flesh as they waited. If he could have taken the pain for her, he would have in an instant. It drove him crazy to see her hurt.

After another twenty-plus minutes a male nurse finally came out and called her into an exam room. Liam’s fingers had long since gone numb but he kept up with the pressure and thankfully she let him after one attempt to take over on the way to the room. When they entered the room she set her left hand on the gauze and twisted away.

Liam let her go and went to the sink to wash his hands, her blood staining the water pink before it swirled down the drain. He was thankful the wounds weren’t serious, otherwise he’d be losing his mind right now.

He wasn’t a fucking machine, couldn’t shut his feelings off no matter how much he wished he could. Maybe he wasn’t in love with her anymore, maybe he was still bitter about the way things had ended, but he still cared. More than he wanted to, he was slowly realizing.

“Thanks, I’m good now. You can leave,” Honor told him.

He shook his hands in the sink and reached for a paper towel to dry them with, replying without looking at her. “I’ll stay until your friend gets here.”

“Who’s your friend?” the male nurse asked.

“Lieutenant Kelly,” Honor said.

He smiled at her. “I’ll go find her. We’ve been kinda busy in here but if she’s free I’ll grab her for you.” He shut the door, leaving them alone in a vacuum of uncomfortable silence. Out in the main waiting area there’d been plenty of noise and movement going on to distract them. Now there was nothing but the quiet and the chasm of their past lying between them.

Honor cleared her throat. “Seriously, you don’t have to wait with me. I’m good.”

Damn it, no. “I’m not leaving, so just make peace with it.”

At that she finally looked up at him. Her aquamarine eyes were shadowed, her face a stoic mask and for one insane moment he wanted to rip it away and see beneath it to the woman he’d once loved with everything in him. “Why are you doing this?” she finally asked.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone you’d been wounded?” he countered.

“Because I didn’t think it was serious enough to say anything under the circumstances.”

“Well it is. You don’t know what kind of damage is underneath there, and no one will until the X-rays come back.”

She broke eye contact, training her gaze on the linoleum floor. “Just can’t see why you’d bother, since you’ve made it crystal clear you want nothing to do with me and can barely stand the sight of me.”

Only because he hadn’t been willing to endure the pain of seeing her and knowing she was no longer his. “Yeah, well, today I’ll make an exception,” he said, more curtly than he’d intended.

Honor met his eyes again and he wasn’t proud of the hurt he saw in hers. Regretting his choice of words and tone he quickly changed the subject. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

She shook her head and shifted her hand on the fresh gauze pad. “Just bruised my back and hip when I hit the ground.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “You hit your head too?”

“Had my helmet on.”

Satisfied for the moment, he leaned back against the wall, folding his arms across his chest. Man it was tough to be alone in here with her. Having her this close brought up too many memories, some the best of his life and others too painful to think about. He still felt raw, even after all this time. Maybe he always would. There was so much left unsaid and unresolved between them, all of it better left buried because the damage couldn’t be undone. Not for him.

“What about what’s going on in your head right now?” he asked after a few minutes.

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“What you did out there,” he said, meaning the way she’d volunteered to crew one of the Chinook’s weapons. He knew damn well that she not only had never fired a minigun before, but that she’d never taken lives, either. Knowing Honor, that would weigh heavy on her, regardless if she knew she’d done the right thing or not. “You know you helped stop the attack and saved lives today, right?” She deserved a helluva lot of credit for that. He was impressed with her—proud, even—for all of it, especially since she’d stepped up in spite of being wounded. He knew a lot of men who wouldn’t have had the balls to do what she’d done today.

She went back to studying the floor and gave a negligent little shrug that had to hurt her shoulder. “It was either me, or you guys went up with one less gunner.”

“You did good out there.” No, she’d been amazing.

Her eyes flashed up to his, and held this time. “Thanks.” Her expression thawed a little and she even allowed a grimace as she shifted on the table. “Is there another pad? This one’s soaked too.”

“Here.” He closed the small distance between them and handed the last one to her, this time taking a seat on the doctor’s stool close by her rather than returning to the wall.

A few silent, tension-filled seconds passed before she sighed and dragged her left hand through her hair. “We just gonna keep ignoring the elephant in the room while we wait, then?”

Liam’s gut constricted, a warning tingle starting at the nape of his neck. “I think that’s best, yeah.” He wasn’t interested in ripping open those wounds again.

She shot him a disbelieving look. “Well you might not have anything to say, but I do.”

Liam rolled the stool back a bit and crossed his arms again, his posture totally defensive but he didn’t give a shit. “Seriously, I don’t wanna hear it.”

She snorted. “Too fucking bad.”

The sharp retort and sudden flare of anger from her caught him off guard. Honor was calm and even-tempered, almost serene most of the time, and she hated conflict. With everyone but him, it seemed.

Before he could get a single word out, she started in on him. “I assume you got my e-mails up until you changed your address?”

He nodded.

“Did you read any of them?”

“Yeah.” All three of them. Over and over again until he’d realized how pathetic it was to hold on to the hope of maybe patching things up with her someday. He’d responded to the first one then made himself delete them all and changed his e-mail address so she couldn’t contact him again, more out of self-preservation than anything else.

“And?” she prompted, raising one strawberry-blond brow.

What the hell did she expect him to say? “And, nothing.” He was at war over here, responsible not only for the men under his command, but the troops and equipment he carried on missions, and for the multi-million dollar aircraft his rank and position within SOAR allowed him to fly. The last thing he could afford was letting the fantasy of reconciling with Honor fuck with his head and distract him when his focus needed to be one hundred percent on his job.

Her eyes widened at his blunt answer, her expression shifting from angry to hurt, then to incredulous. “Jesus, Liam, and even after what I said you still couldn’t give me the time of day?”

“I answered.”

“One line. I can’t do this anymore. That’s all you had to say to me? Really? After everything I told you?”

Liam dragged in a sharp breath. She seriously wanted to have this out here? Now, when she was bleeding and in need of medical attention? And did she honestly think an apology would make it all better and change his mind at this point?

Anger and hurt rushed to the surface, so thick they nearly choked him. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to talk about this but he couldn’t deny that a part of him had been dying for this confrontation for months now, so he didn’t hold back.

He shoved to his feet and stood towering over her, hands on hips. “What did you expect me to say? That I forgave you? That I still wanted to get back together after everything that happened?” He gave a derisive laugh, fighting to keep the true depth of his pain hidden from her. “Not likely.”

She went utterly still, staring at him as silence once again resounded between them. Tears glistened in her eyes and guilt slammed into him, upping the pressure of the vise currently crushing the tattered ruins of his heart. “How many times do I have to say I’m sorry before you believe it? That I acknowledge I made a terrible mistake and have done everything I know how to fix it? How can you just freeze me out after that and walk away from everything we had?”

Hurt and resentment swelled inside him, mixing with the anger in a toxic, chaotic mess. “You walked away first,” he shot back. “That was your choice.” Then I made mine.

It was a low blow, even if it was true. But he refused to feel guilty about it, even under the circumstances. He hadn’t wanted to have this conversation, but she’d insisted, and he wouldn’t lie to her about the way things stood.

Honor’s chin came up, her tears evaporating as her eyes sparked with fresh anger. “I did,” she admitted quietly, her control merely emphasizing the loss of his own. “I did walk away and it was the absolute worst mistake of my life. I’m sorry, Liam. See? I’m a big enough person to admit it to your face. Are you?”

He made a scoffing noise and glanced away, panic clawing at his insides as he felt his traitorous heart soften. He could not let her back in, no matter how sincere her apology seemed. He’d never survive the next time she decided to cut and run. “The truth is, you probably did us both a favor.” It’s what he’d kept telling himself all this time, but even to his own ears his voice sounded raw.

“What?” At her stricken tone he couldn’t look at her because despite everything that had happened and the way she’d ground his heart into dust beneath her heel, some part of him still desperately loved her and wanted to be with her. “How can you say that?”

Jesus. Liam resisted the urge to press the heels of his hands against his eyes. He didn’t want to hurt her further but she was giving him no choice because he refused to lie to her and give her false hope. “Because our issues would never have gone away and there was no getting around that. You know that as well as I do.” He’d just never wanted to admit it back when they’d been together.

“You’re wrong, because they already have.”

At the quiet sincerity in her tone his gaze snapped back to hers, the knot in his stomach twisting even harder at the grief and pain on her face. “What do you mean?” he couldn’t resist asking. Goddammit, why did he suddenly want to believe her so badly? Why couldn’t his stupid heart realize it was over and there was no going back?

“I mean I made my decision clear to my family and now I’m living with the consequences.”

His heart thudded in his chest, the bubble of hope a painful pressure beneath his ribs. “What decision? What consequences?”

For a long moment she just stared at him, until he was sure she wouldn’t answer. “I told them I’d made a mistake when I ended things. I told them what I wanted, that I chose you over them,” she said finally. “And ironically, now I’ve lost all of you.”

As her meaning penetrated the swirling fog of emotions roiling inside him, Liam could only stare at her in shock. He’d been desperate for those same words two years ago, and they’d never come. They were the last thing he’d expected her to say now. The seething anger drained away, only to be replaced with wariness. And guilt. Had he lost the chance to have everything he wanted because of his stubborn refusal to listen?

Her lips twisted in a bitter smile. “You don’t believe me.”

He wanted to. Stupidly, desperately wanted to believe that she’d been willing to change that much, that she wanted him enough to make that kind of sacrifice, but…

She gave a humorless laugh and turned her head away. “Whatever. Think whatever the hell you want then, it doesn’t matter. Believe me, Liam, I’ve done my penance—a thousand times over. I’ve said my piece and laid myself bare to you, and there’s nothing more I can do.”

The hell of it was, it did matter, even if he wished it didn’t. Every damn time he’d convinced himself he was finally over her, just when the jagged scars on his heart had begun to heal over, she found a way to split them wide open again. And this…

Don’t listen. Don’t believe her.

Liam swallowed. As unexpected as her words were, he couldn’t afford to take that risk again. How could he ever trust her again? Her actions were simply too little, too late.

One look at her face and it was obvious she’d closed herself off from him again. Rather than feel relieved, Liam was overcome with the sudden, almost uncontrollable urge to grab her face between his hands, force her to look at him and tell him everything. Every single thing she’d told her family about him since that night, everything she’d gone through. But how the hell could he ever trust her again? He’d let her in deeper than he’d ever let in anyone else and she’d stabbed him in the heart.

Honor knew all about his past and his fucked-up family life—a laughable term for his upbringing with an abusive alcoholic single father. He’d grown up wary, defensive, never letting anyone get close enough to hurt him. Since becoming an adult he thought he’d buried that scarred, terrified piece of him too deep for anyone to see, but Honor had. She’d seen it and loved him despite his baggage, and he’d made the fatal mistake of handing his fragile heart over to her.

Dammit, she’d known she was his whole fucking world, had promised to be his forever when she’d accepted his ring, and then ripped his world apart when she’d abandoned him.

He hadn’t seen it coming. Would never have imagined she’d ever be capable of something like that, he’d trusted her that much. He’d have to be goddamn insane to ever give her the chance to do that kind of damage again.

Even as he steeled himself against her, that old, familiar longing rose up inside him. The wounded, lonely little boy he’d once been was still very much alive. That part of him wanted to beg her to love him again, to let him back into her life, so he’d finally know what it felt like to be loved and accepted. So he’d have a family and a real home at last.

Honor had been all of those things to him, and more. Losing her had damn near killed him.

She’s not lying this time, his heart whispered. She means it.

No, his gut and head told him. Never again.

Christ, he was so damn sick of this rollercoaster.

Shoving all the turmoil and emotional bullshit aside, he focused on the blood that was still seeping through the bandages. “You’re not putting enough pressure on that.”

She snapped her head around to stare at him and narrowed her eyes. “Just get out and leave me the hell alone, Major.”

Her eyes were still boring holes through him when the door opened a second later and a pretty brunette dressed in scrubs walked in. She must have picked up on the tension between them because her greeting smile faded and her eyes widened as she glanced from Honor to him and back. “Hey, heard you were here,” she said slowly, turning her full attention to Honor. “What’d you do to yourself, hon?”

If she’d really wanted him gone she could have asked her friend to order him out. Liam was relieved she didn’t. On some level she still wanted him here.

“Shrapnel,” Honor answered, her lowered eyes and the catch in her voice telling Liam she was on the edge of tears.

Honor rarely cried. Knowing he’d hurt her badly enough to push her to that point shredded him. Yeah, some fucked-up, twisted and dark part of him had wanted to lash out at her for what she’d done to him but he’d come in here with the intention of helping her, not hurting her. Now he was torn between the impulse to slam his fist into the wall and gathering her into his arms to never let go.

Before he could even process that, Erin eased the gauze away from Honor’s shoulder. “Okay, we’ll need to get an X-ray to see what we’re dealing with, then we can fix you up. You hurt anywhere else?”

Honor rubbed a hand over the back of her neck and rolled her head slightly, clearly exhausted. “Hit my head pretty hard on the ground. I was wearing a helmet but I’ve got a bitch of a headache.”