Текст книги "Following Me"

Автор книги: K. A. Linde

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Her heart sank at the thought she’d had every day since leaving.  Would it all be as it was before?  Would he do worse?  Or would he realize that she was everything he needed?

“We started in this cycle that I didn’t think would ever break.  He would get so angry, and I would take the brunt of it.  Sometimes, I just cowered and cried until he forgave me.  Other times, I would get angry and storm out.  But then, I stopped getting angry.  Leaving was not an option.  It only made things worse.  It made his anger more frequent.”

“You just kept letting this guy…hit you?” Garrett asked.

“You don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head.  “I love him.”

“Dev—”

“It got worse,” she whispered.  “I had to cancel classes for a week.”

“What for?”

“I could normally hide the bruises…that week I couldn’t,” she whispered, staring down at the carpet.  “He never left bruises on my face again.  It raised too many red flags.”

Garrett hissed through his teeth at the imagery.  He didn’t say anything. What could he say?  She didn’t want to look up at him and read what was clearly written on his face, so she pushed through, just wanting to get this story over with.

“But that wasn’t what made me leave,” she told him.  “I had just finished my last final for the semester.  When I finished, I was supposed to meet my favorite professor in his office to discuss my plans for next year.  I got a text, telling me to meet him instead.  I rescheduled plans with my professor and rushed to see him.  I didn’t want to be late.  When I got back, I should have smelled trouble.  Candles were lit everywhere.  There was a bottle of champagne and even rose petals.”

“That’s a sign of trouble?” Garrett asked.

Devon nodded against his shoulder.  “It should have been, but I saw it as a romantic gesture.  I saw it as a way to get back to the way it had been.  He popped open the bottle of champagne while I stripped down for him.  I thought it was going to be that kind of night.  It felt like we were finally back on the right track.

“But then, he started asking questions about my professor and why I was going to see him.  I told him that I had tutoring, of course, and that my professor wanted to congratulate me for a job well done this semester.  It was an odd conversation.  I mean, he didn’t like that I had tutoring, but that week off had put me so far behind that I had to use every opportunity to get caught up.  He didn’t believe me.

“He grabbed my arm and squeezed as hard as he could, forcing me backward against the bed.  He begged me to tell him the truth.  I cried and cried and cried, telling him that I had told him the truth.  There was nothing more for me to tell.”  Devon took a deep breath and then continued.

“I felt like the bones in my arm were going to snap, but the pain evaporated when he yanked a candle off the table and held the flame to my skin.  I screamed where it touched me.  He said he would stop when I told him the truth.  I tried to tell him that I was telling the truth, but he slapped me across the face so hard that I saw spots.  He told me I was lying.  Whenever the flame neared my skin, burning wax was dribbling down my body.  He said that if I didn’t tell him, then I didn’t leave him any choice.  I couldn’t convince him, and the pain was blinding.  He moved the flames to the area, uh…just above my…” Devon pointed down to her nether region.  She blushed but continued.  “The feel of my flesh burning so near all those nerve endings was the most intensely painful thing I’ve ever endured, and soon, I blacked out.”

Garrett reached forward and threaded his fingers with hers.  She didn’t know where it came from, but it was a sign of strength.  Devon sighed and used her other hand to pull down the front of her tiny sleeping shorts.

“See,” she said, pointing at the scar right above her sensitive skin.

“Fuck,” Garrett grumbled.

Devon pulled her shorts back up, ashamed by the conversation.  She had made him think she was cheating, so she had pushed him over the edge.  Still, even she could see that his punishment was excessive, and her realization had spurred her to action.

He had violated her trust, the one thing she had given over to him completely without him ever having to ask.  He had taken everything they’d had and torn it down brick-by-brick for his own deluded sense of control.  He had beaten the trust out of her. He had ruined their sex life, ruined their relationship, and ruined her.

“When I woke up, he was gone.  A couple days later, I was on the first train to Chicago.”

GARRETT DIDN’T MOVE for what felt like forever.  Devon wanted to see his reaction.  She wanted to know that he didn’t think any differently of her.  She wanted to know a lot of things, but she wasn’t brave enough to look up at him.

She felt his heavy sigh and the shift of his body toward her.  She breathed him in.  Her mind was still wondering too many things.  She couldn’t believe she had told her story.  It had been a secret for so long.  She hadn’t wanted to risk someone finding out.  What would people think of her…of him?  What would they do?

Her mind closed off to that thought.

“Devon,” he said finally.

He pulled her toward him and circled his big, strong arms around her.  She tensed, unsure where this was coming from.  Was he pitying her?  She didn’t need his pity.

“I hope you see your strength the way I do.”

Strength?  I ran away.  I wanted to yell that at him.  I’m not strong.  I’m weak.  I couldn’t face my fears, so I ran.

She didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t let her go, so she relaxed into his embrace, accepting it for what it was.  They were both in a rough spot, separated from their lives.  Devon had run, and Garrett had faced his problems head-on.  Either way, it had ended with them sitting in the same room.  So maybe facing her problems head-on would have turned out the same way.  Or maybe she wouldn’t have ended up unconscious. Instead, she would have ended up dead.

That thought made her break the embrace.  She stared forward at Garrett.  She felt the tears on her cheeks, hot and uncomfortable.  She hated crying, especially in front of people.

Garrett reached up and pushed her hair off her face.  She sniffed as the tears fell faster from his affection.  She didn’t need someone to care for her.  She could take care of herself.  That thought made her cry harder.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered.

His thumbs brushed under her eyes like he had done when she had woken up from her nightmare on the couch.  She couldn’t stop her tears, and his help only made it worse.

She didn’t know how she had any tears left.  Hadn’t she cried enough?  Or were these tears of a different nature?  Her throat constricted, and she coughed.  She had never once thought that running away was the right thing to do.  It was impulsive.  It was something Hadley would do.  Devon was always the rational one who wanted to work things out.  She had stayed with him well past the point she should have.  And for what?  To be frightened and accused of things she hadn’t done?  To be hit, burned, and left unconscious?

The whole time she had been in Chicago, she had felt like a coward.  She felt like running away from her life was the cheap way out, and the only reason she hadn’t returned was out of fear.  Now looking at it from a flip side, she understood that running wasn’t the right option.  It was the only option.

“How did you go through all of that alone?”

Devon shook her head.  She really didn’t know.  She never felt all alone until she left.  “I don’t know.”  She hiccupped through tears.

“You shouldn’t be alone,” he said, stroking her hair.  “Is this what your dreams were about?”

Devon closed her eyes.  She couldn’t face those dreams.  He had been haunting them for months.  She couldn’t escape him even when she had run away.

“Devon, you have to face him eventually,” he said.

She thought he meant to sound reassuring, but she wasn’t reassured.

“Yeah,” she said shakily.  “I know…eventually.”

“You can’t hide out in Chicago forever.  Doesn’t school start again in August?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Garrett squeezed her shoulder and pulled her in closer.  “Don’t you think it would be better to get it over with than to wait another month or two?”

“Did you not hear what happened?” she whispered frantically.

“I heard, Dev.  I’m just saying that you are so afraid of this, and sometimes, you need to face your fears.”

Devon shook her head.  “It’s not about facing my fears.  Well, it kind of is.  Okay, it is, but you don’t understand.  You don’t know what he’s like,” she said, her hands shaking violently.

Garrett took her hands in his and held them to keep them from trembling.

“If you knew…if you only knew…”

“Then, tell me.  Who is this guy?  Who can have this much control over you?”

Devon stared down at their hands intertwined in her lap.  She had told her story and left out the most important detail.  It was the one detail she was sure people would find hard to believe.

Who would really believe that the perfect couple would ever be entirely dysfunctional?

“Hard to believe,” she began, preparing for his reaction.  “My boyfriend, Reid.”

“Wait,” he said, confused. “Aren’t you guys still dating?”

“Uh…technically,” she whispered.  “I did just leave.”

“No, leaving means that you guys are done.”

Huh.  She had never thought about it that way.  When she had left, she hadn’t really thought of anything.  But it made sense to her.  Leaving him, even if she hadn’t told him what was going on, had made her see that it was over.  Still, she hadn’t told him though.

“I didn’t tell him,” she finally admitted.

“But isn’t he looking for you?”

Devon shook her head, ashamed.  “My parents talked about going on this trip to Paris for months.  I told him about it, but we never thought it would actually happen.  My parents are just spontaneous enough that when I told him they decided to go last minute, he believed me,” she said, looking up at Garrett.  “Otherwise, he wouldn’t have let me leave, or he would’ve freaked out and tried to find me.  I didn’t want to be found.”

“So, he thinks you’re in Paris for the summer?”

Devon nodded.

“And you’ve gotten away with that for this long?”

“I told my parents I was staying in St. Louis for the summer to be with him.  I shut off my Facebook and Twitter accounts.  I haven’t answered emails—”

“That’s why you didn’t want your picture to be taken,” he said, piecing it together.

“Yeah, I didn’t know if they might show up online or something.”

“When you go back to St. Louis and he finds out that you weren’t in Paris, what do you think he’s going to do?” Garrett asked quietly.

They both knew the answer to that question.

Garrett moved away and poured another shot, and Devon tossed it back.  As soon as it hit her stomach, she knew it was one too many.  Maybe the one before had been too many.  She didn’t know.  Her head was spinning, and she couldn’t feel her legs.  That made her giggle despite the terrible thought that had just crossed their minds.  Her lips felt heavy, her eyes felt heavy, everything felt heavy.  She sat back against Garrett.  She was glad he was holding her.  Otherwise, she thought she might topple over.

Just as suddenly as the giggle left her mouth, she clamped it shut, and tears streamed down her face.  She was royally fucked.  She pitched forward and threw her arms around Garrett, hugging her body close to his.  His arms dropped to her lower back, pulling her flush against him.  Her tears were falling on his shoulder, and she felt too weak and vulnerable and drunk to do anything about it.

Garrett ran one hand through her hair while the other rubbed up and down her back slowly.  She hiccupped and then sighed into his embrace.  She wanted to just wash away all the pain and all her memories of Reid.  She wanted to make it so it had never happened.

“Hey.”  Garrett slid his hand up her side to her cheek and his other hand met the opposite side to cradle her face in his hands.

When she looked up into his eyes as he held her, the tears came streaming down heavier.  He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear and then trailed his fingers along her jawline.

His lips fell lightly on her cheek, gently kissing away the tears.  Closing her eyes, she found the more he tried to comfort her, the more tears continued to fall.  His mouth moved to her other cheek, and he erased the tears from the path they had formed.  He trailed kisses down to her jaw, and then lightly, almost hesitantly, his lips moved to the corner of her mouth.  As she sat very still, Devon felt her breathing pick up.

Then, his lips found hers.  He tasted like scotch.  The kisses started out slow as Garrett willed a response from her.  He threaded his fingers back up into her hair, pressing himself against her.  He slid his tongue across her lip, and Devon gasped in surprise.  He moved his tongue into her mouth, pushing them closer and closer together.

Then, everything seemed to happen at once.  Garrett was leaning her back into the couch.  His body moved over her, and she could feel his hips press into her.  His hand grazed her breast through her nightshirt.  His other hand was still tangled into her hair.  His kisses turned desperate and demanding.  Devon couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.  He ignored her unresponsive lips and fumbled with her clothing, pushing as much of it out of the way as he could.

She felt her body sink further and further into the couch as if she were disappearing.  She was sure that she would surface on the other side and find this all to be another dream.

His lips traveled to her neck and collarbone, reaching as much space as he could.  Devon had the terrible sense of enjoying herself.  It had been months since anyone had wanted this from her.  She was only human, and her body betrayed her by reacting favorably to him.

The alcohol coursed through her veins, telling her to just enjoy it.  Her mind didn’t have a response.  Had she shut herself off this much?  It felt so nice to be wanted, to be kissed.  She hadn’t been kissed in so long.

Then, her mind did respond.  Brennan.  Brennan had kissed her last, and she had pushed him away because she had a boyfriend.  She had thought then that she had a boyfriend, but in reality, she had walked out on Reid.  She had pushed Brennan away for nothing, and Brennan was worth more than this.

When she felt Garrett’s hand sliding down her shorts, she yelled, “Stop!  Stop!  I…I can’t do this!”

Devon pushed and shoved him away from her.  She fell hard on the ground onto her knees, jarring her body and snapping her teeth together painfully.  She grunted and crawled away from him.  Her balance was wretched, and she fell twice when she had tried to stand up.

Garrett stared at her, but she didn’t want to see his face.  She didn’t want to see whatever he was thinking.  She just needed to leave.  If running was her strength, then she would exercise her strength a second time.  She couldn’t stand the thought of staying in the same apartment as Garrett one more night.  How could he try and take advantage of her after she had just trusted him with something she had never told anyone before, especially after what she had told him?

Devon wasn’t going to wait around long enough to find out.  She stumbled into her room and threw on a pair of jeans and her sneakers.  Garrett tried to talk to her, but she pretended not to hear him.  She couldn’t deal with this on top of everything else.  She couldn’t even deal with her own problems.

DEVON WALKED BLINDLY down the streets.  She didn’t know where she was going or what direction she was even walking in.  It was dangerous to walk alone at night through Chicago.  It was a really bad idea.  Then again, so was dating her boyfriend for three years, lying to her parents, pushing Brennan away, and getting close to Garrett.  She would just add those to the list.

Devon walked until the alcohol felt less potent.  Why had she drunk so much?  Who thought that was a good idea for a depressive?  She would have giggled at her own self-realization, but it wasn’t funny.

When her feet started hurting, she stopped and looked around.  She didn’t recognize anything, and that made her even more anxious.  Where had her feet taken her?  Her eyes traveled the buildings around the area as she tried to place her location.

She had been here before.  Realizing where she was, she smiled and walked inside a building.

Standing in front of the door, she made the decision that her feet had already chosen for her.  She knocked and waited.  When nothing happened, she knocked again louder until she heard someone moving around inside.  Her head was spinning, and she didn’t know if it was because she was still drunk or if she was nervous.  It was fair to say it was likely both.

“Who is it?” a voice called.

She didn’t answer.

The door opened, and Brennan’s face peered out at her.  He left the door ajar, still latched to the wall by a chain.  “Devon?” Brennan asked, yawning.

“Hey,” she whispered.  She suddenly felt self-conscious, like she shouldn’t have shown up.

“What are you doing here?  It’s four in the morning.”

“Can I come in?” she asked, surprised by the time.

“It’s late, and I was sleeping.  It’s been a long night.  I really don’t have time to deal…”  He trailed off when he finally looked at her.

“Please?”  She tried to hold the tears in, but she didn’t succeed.

“Devon, can’t this wait until the morning?” he asked, doing a poor job of hiding his sympathies.

“It is the morning,” she muttered.

“A normal hour then?” he persisted.

Devon dropped her head and then looked up into his big eyes.  They weren’t rimmed with red like they had been this afternoon.  They weren’t dazed like they frequently were when he came into work high.  They were just normal Brennan eyes, and she liked them the best.

“I don’t have anywhere else to go,” she said, feeling defeated.

Brennan sighed.  He tipped his head side to side as if debating, and then he closed the door, pulled back the chain, and opened it for her.  “Come on in,” he said.  “I’ll make up the couch again.”

“Thanks,” she muttered, relieved.

Devon took a seat on the couch and remembered the last time she had been here.  Her head pounded, and she tried not to think about it.  This was Brennan.  She could figure things out.

He returned with a pile of pillows and blankets, just like last time.  But this time, she could tell that he was still pretty upset.  She wasn’t sure if it was from earlier or what, but his body was rigid.

“Well, good night.”  He turned and walked toward the bedroom.

At least, he wasn’t one to pry.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.  Unlike him, she was one to pry.

Brennan stopped walking and sighed.  He turned around to face her.  “How much have you had to drink?”

“Too much,” she offered easily.

“That’s what I thought.  Why don’t you just…sleep it off?” he said softly.

“Brennan,” she said when he turned away from her again, “can’t you just talk to me?”

She watched him clench and unclench his fists at his side.  He turned back around and shook his head.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Can you sit down?” Devon asked, pulling her feet up on the couch.

“No,” he said stiffly.

“God, Brennan, what’s wrong?” she asked, the alcohol making her bolder than she would have normally been.

“You want to know what’s wrong?” he asked, crossing the room.  He took a moment to try to compose himself, but he failed.  “You’re what’s wrong.  Everything about you!”

Devon swallowed, looking up at him in shock.  Where was this coming from?  “What?  Me?” she croaked.

His hands shook.  “You walk into my life when I won’t let anyone in.  You walk right in without asking, without giving me an option.  Then, you slam that door shut so hard, it could crack the windowpanes.  Just when I think you’re gone and I can close up again,” he nearly shouted at her, “you crash back in all over again.  And it’s worse now because I’m around you all the time.

“You have this barrier up, and I have no clue how to get through it.  And it’s obvious that you don’t want to let it down, but I can’t help but try.  When I think there’s no chance, none at all, after you leave my gig…when I wrote that song for you…”  He trailed off, looking at her fiercely.  “Then, you show up here, saying you have nowhere else to go…when the door is always wide open.”

Devon’s heart was beating so hard in her chest that she thought she might explode.  This was what he had been carrying around all this time?  She had suspected that he still liked her, but this…how could she even respond?

“I think I broke up with my boyfriend,” she said softly.

It wasn’t a lie, not exactly.  She had left Reid.  It was over in her heart.

“What?” Brennan asked, coming up short.

He hadn’t been expecting that.

“We’re over.”

Brennan sat down then.  “I’m so sorry.”

She didn’t believe him, and it made her smile.  “It’s, uh…for the better.”

“God, I’m a dick,” he said, his hand brushing through his hair.

Devon laughed.  “Far from it.”

“Is that why you came by?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

“Sort of.”  Devon scrunched up her nose.  “Hadley and Garrett got into a fight, and I didn’t want to be around that.”  Also not a lie.

“Everything is falling apart,” he said softly.

Devon shrugged.  “I don’t know about everything.”

She patted the seat next to her on the couch, and he moved over to sit by her.

“How are you feeling, you know…about your boyfriend?” he asked with a sigh.

She couldn’t tell if it was a sigh of relief or not.

“I’m not sure if it has all sunk in yet,” she admitted, wrapping her arms around her knees.  “We dated for almost three years.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Yeah,” she said, “it is.”

Brennan sighed again.  “It’ll get easier with time.”

Devon nodded.  “I think so.  Plus, time is all I have now, right?”  Was she trying to convince herself or him?

“Sorry about yelling at you,” he said sheepishly.

“It’s alright.  I probably deserved it,” she whispered.

“You didn’t,” he said.  “I was…projecting.”

“That’s one word for it,” she said with a laugh.

He stared down at the floor for a few minutes.  He really was beautiful.  He was even beautiful when he had yelled at her.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said finally.  “That when you didn’t have anywhere else to go, you came and found me, so I can be there for you.”

He lifted his eyes to hers, and she felt his words hit her.

“I want to be that for you, Devon.”