Текст книги "This Man Confessed"

Автор книги: Jodi Ellen Malpas

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 34 страниц)

Chapter 13

He still hasn’t said a word by the time we pull up at Lusso. He gets out and collects me, walking me straight past a cautious looking Casey and putting me in the penthouse elevator. I glance up at him, but he’s keeping his gaze pointed forward, not even meeting my eyes when I look at him in the reflection of the doors. When he opens the door into the penthouse, Cathy appears from the kitchen, her happy smile dropping away as soon as she notices her cheerfulness isn’t being reciprocated.

‘Is everything okay?’ She assesses us both, then looks to Jesse for an answer, but he just hands me my bag and nods towards the stairs. I look at him, silently begging for some words. He doesn’t indulge me. He nods again.

‘Boy?’ Cathy prompts warily.

‘Everything is fine. Ava’s not feeling too well.’ He lightly pushes into my back with his hand, urging me forward.

‘Are you coming?’ I ask.

‘I’ll be up in a minute. Go.’ He reinforces his words with a firmer push of his hand, and I leave him with Cathy.

As I’m passing Jesse’s sweet housekeeper, she reaches out and gently strokes my shoulder, giving me a small smile. ‘I’m glad you’re home, Ava.’

I return her smile. It’s a feeble smile. I feel uncertain and a little concerned by Jesse’s despondent state. ‘Thank you.’ I make my way upstairs, entering the master-suite and settling on the end of the bed.

Not knowing what to do, I kick my shoes off and shuffle myself up the bed a little more. My eyes are brimming with tears again as I clutch my knees to my chest and wait for him. I know that right now is when we’ll talk about this, now we have both acknowledged what is happening; but in order to have a talk, both of us need to be speaking, and Jesse doesn’t look like he plans on saying anything. I have no idea what is going through that crazy mind of his and the strained atmosphere is pushing doubts back into me. I need reassurance, not silence, not time to talk my way back out of this.

My head snaps up when he enters the bedroom, but he doesn’t look at me. Instead, he goes straight to the bathroom. I hear the waterfall tap of the bath start pouring and the faffing of his movements as he follows through on his usual bath time routine, collecting everything he’ll need and placing it within reach. We’re having a bath?

After way too long of me just sitting on the bed, listening to the water running and Jesse’s quiet activities, he eventually walks soundlessly into the bedroom and approaches me without a word. Taking my hand and pulling me up from the bed, he strips me down, removes my diamond and my Rolex, for which I haven’t even thanked him, before picking me up and carrying me into the bathroom.

He lowers me gently into the bath. ‘Is the water okay?’ he asks softly, releasing me and kneeling by the side of the tub.

‘It’s fine,’ I answer, watching as he removes his suit jacket and unbuttons the cuffs of his shirt before pushing them up his arms. He collects the sponge and dips, then squeezes some soap on it and turns me away from him. He starts gliding it across my back in gentle, steady strokes.

I’m a little confused. ‘Aren’t you getting in?’ I ask quietly. I want him to lay behind me so I can feel him, take comfort in him. I need that.

‘Let me look after you.’ His voice is low and unsure. I don’t like it.

I turn myself around to face him, finding glazed green eyes and a stoic expression. It pulls at my heart. I’ve really fucked with his mind this time. ‘I need you closer than this.’ I reach up with my wet hand and lay my palm on his cheek. ‘Please,’

He watches me carefully for a few moments, like he’s deciding whether he should, but he eventually sighs and drops the sponge, before he stands and slowly removes his clothes. Stepping in behind me, he lowers himself to cocoon me completely. I feel immediately better with his warm hardness cradling me, but I can’t see him, so I turn over and sit on his lap, encouraging his knees up so I can lean back and look at him. I take his hands and interlace our fingers, and we both watch in silence as we play with each other’s hands, our tangled fingers glimmering now and then when our rings catch the reflections of the water. It’s not a difficult silence anymore.

‘Why did you lie to me, Ava?’ he whispers, still watching our snaking fingers working together.

My movements falter for a few moments but don’t stop completely. It’s a question that I predicted and it’s one that needs answering. ‘I was scared. I’m still scared.’ It’s nothing but the truth, and he needs to hear it. He needs to know that this whole situation terrifies me.

‘Of me,’ he says simply. ‘You’re scared of me.’ He doesn’t elaborate, and he doesn’t need to. I know what he means, and he knows that, too.

‘I’m scared of how you’ll be.’

‘You mean more crazy.’ he confirms, keeping his eyes on out entwined fingers.

‘It wasn’t even definite and you were treating me like a priceless object.’

He exhales softly and takes both of our hands to his chest, resting them over his heart, but he still doesn’t look at me. ‘You also think that I might love our child more than you.’

The words make me go rigid. They’re the words I have refused to acknowledge every time they’ve whirled around in my head. I am worried that he’ll love our child more than me. Selfishly, yes, it frightens me to death. The unreasonable thought has been lingering there somewhere, I’ll admit it to myself now. I’ve not long had his love, and I’m blessed to have it. Who wouldn’t want to be loved so powerfully, so passionately? I’m not ready to share him, not with anyone, not even a part of us.

‘Would you?’ I ask quietly. I’m not sure how he’ll answer. All I’ve got to go on is how desperate he is for a baby.

His eyes lift slowly, revealing a sadness I’ve never seen before. Or it could be disappointment. I’m not sure. ‘Do you feel that?’ He flattens my palms on his chest and holds them there firmly. ‘It was made to love you, Ava. For too long it was useless, redundant, not required. Now it’s gone into overdrive. It swells with happiness when I look at you. It splinters with pain when we fight. And it beats wildly when I make love to you. Maybe I go overboard with my love, but that’s never going to change. I’ll love you this fiercely until the day I die, baby. Children or not.’

I’m crippled more than ever before. It really isn’t possible for me to love this man more. ‘I never want to be without your fierce love.’

He reaches up and slides his hand around the base of my neck, pulling me down so our foreheads meet. ‘You won’t be. I’ll never stop loving you hard. It’ll only get harder because every day that passes we create more memories. Memories I’ll treasure, not memories I want to forget. My mind is being filled with beautiful images of us, and they are replacing a history that lingers. They’re chasing away my past, Ava. I need them. I need you.’

‘You have me.’ I breathe, shifting my hands up to his shoulders.

‘Don’t ever leave me again.’ He kisses me gently. ‘It hurt so badly.’

I sit up on his lap and pull him up with me, wrapping my arms so tightly around him and pushing my mouth to his ear. ‘I’m crazy in love with you.’ I whisper. ‘Fiercely, too. That’s never going to stop, not ever.’ I kiss his ear. ‘End of.’

His head turns into me, catching my lips. ‘Good. My heart is swelling.’

I smile a little as he reinforces his happiness with his kiss, drifting back down in the tub until I’m sprawled across his chest. We just kiss, for a long, long time. It’s gentle and sweet, but it’s what we both need right now. Pure, unapologetic, powerful love. It’s potent. It overpowers us both.

He pulls back and encases my face with his hands. ‘Let me bathe you.’

‘But I’m comfy.’ I just want to lie on his chest and stay until the water cools and I’m forced to vacate the giant tub.

‘We can be comfy in bed and you can fall asleep in my arms where you’re supposed to be.’

I frown. ‘It’s not even mid-afte…’ I halt. ‘I’ve not gone back to work!’ I start to scramble off him to call Patrick, but I’m swiftly restrained and pulled back down to his chest.

‘I took care of it. Unravel your knickers, lady’

‘When?’

‘When I brought you home.’ He turns me around in his lap and retrieves the sponge from the water.

‘What did you tell him?’

‘That you’re ill.’

‘He’ll be sacking me soon.’ I sigh and lean forward, dropping my heavy head between my propped up knees and letting Jesse soak me all over with lazy rubs and squeezes of the sponge. The silence is comfortable, my mind serene. I close my eyes and absorb the love that’s flowing into me from our contact through the sponge. That’s how powerful it is. It can battle through any obstacle that’s placed between us, be it an inanimate object, such as a simple sponge, or a living, breathing person, such as a Coral or a Sarah… or a Mikael. Nothing can or ever will tear us apart… only us.

When he’s looked after me for a while, he wraps me in a towel and sits me on the vanity unit. ‘Stay there.’ he orders gently before dropping a chaste kiss on my lips and leaving me with a furrowed brow.

‘Where are you going?’ I call after him.

‘Just wait.’

I hear him rummaging and the crumpling of a paper bag, and he’s soon standing in front of me again, holding it up with slightly raised brows. ‘What’s that?’ I ask, pulling my towel in a little more.

He takes a deep breath and opens it up, thrusting it towards me so I can take a peek. I throw him inquisitive eyes and lean forward to look in the bag. As soon as I register the contents, I bolt upright on a shocked gasp. ‘You don’t believe me?’ I’m hurt and it’s obvious.

He rolls his eyes and reaches in, pulling out a pregnancy test. ‘Of course I do.’

‘Then why do you have a paper bag with…’ I grab it and tip it upside down, emptying the little boxes into the sink next to me. I start picking them up and chucking them on the counter. ‘One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Why do you have eight pregnancy tests?’ I turn my eyes back to my mad-cap husband and wave one of the boxes under his nose.

He shrugs sheepishly and bats the box away. ‘There are two in a box.’

‘Sixteen?’ I blurt.

He starts opening one of the boxes. ‘Sometimes they don’t work properly. They’re just back-ups.’ He slides a stick out and takes it to his mouth, ripping off the plastic packaging before he thrusts it at me. ‘You have to pee on this bit here, look.’

I watch him pull the cap off the end and point to the only non-plastic part of the stick. ‘I did one at the Doctor’s, Jesse. I know how they work. Why won’t you take my word for it?’

His lip slides straight between his teeth and starts to receive a nervous chew. ‘I do take your word for it, but I need to see it for myself.’

I feel a little offended, although I have no right to be. I’ve already mislead him and played with that crazy mind. I can’t blame him for wanting official confirmation. ‘How long have you had these?’

He pouts and shrugs guiltily, dropping his eyes. He doesn’t need to say. I put my hand out and his eyes lift. They are sparkling again.

‘Give,’ I nod at the stick and watch as his lip slips through his bite, and he smiles. He really really smiles. I think this smile even tops his one reserved only for me. I quickly bat away the silly pang of jealousy that stabs at me because of it. I’m being ridiculous. I jump down from the unit. ‘Some privacy please.’

He recoils, a look of disbelief on his face. ‘I’m staying.’ he says incredulously.

‘I’m not peeing on a stick in front of you!’ I shake my head. ‘No way, Ward.’

He sits down on the floor in front of me, his towel gaping open and revealing… everything. ‘Move me.’ He’s fighting a smug grin from his lush lips.

‘I’ll use another bathroom.’ I retort haughtily as I sidestep him to exit the bathroom.

I yelp as my ankle is grasped and I’m suddenly trying to pull a dead weight to escape. ‘Jesse!’ I tug my leg, but it’s completely hopeless. I turn to find him lying on his stomach, now with both palms wrapped around my one ankle. He’s looking up at me with adorable, shimmering eyes, and he’s pouting. ‘Humour me, baby. Please.’ He actually bats his long lashes at me.

I try my hardest to restrain my smile, but when he’s looking at me like this, it’s just impossible. ‘Can you at least turn around?’

‘No,’ He jumps up and whips his towel off, his beauty hitting me like a sledgehammer. ‘Does this make you feel better?’ He holds his arms to the sides, and I can’t stop my appreciative gaze dragging down his solid loveliness.

I sigh happily. ‘No, that just distracts me.’ I muse, continuing to drink him in, all of the way down before casually and slowly back up again—all of him. Every wondrous, magnificent, sickeningly perfect inch of him. I reach his face. His eyes have smoked out, and I know mine have, too. ‘You wield that physique unfairly.’

‘Of course I do. It’s one of my best assets.’ He reaches forward and yanks my towel off. ‘It comes a close second to this one.’ His eyes leisurely skate down my nakedness, and he sighs to himself. ‘Just perfect.’

‘You won’t say that when I’m fat and swollen.’ I grumble, suddenly realising that I will, in fact, get fat and swollen. ‘And if you say there will be more of me to love, then I might divorce you.’ I snatch the towel up and re-wrap myself, ignoring his obvious annoyance.

‘Don’t say the word divorce.’ he threatens, taking my hand and leading me to the toilet. ‘If it makes you feel better, I’ll eat for two, too.’ He’s looking down at me with a smirk.

‘Promise you won’t leave me when I’m unable to reach your cock with my mouth because my belly is in the way.’

He throws his head back on a laugh. ‘I promise, baby.’ I’m turned around and positioned in front of the toilet. ‘Now, let’s pee on some sticks.’

I hitch up my towel and reluctantly lower myself to the toilet, while Jesse crouches in front of me. ‘Do you want to stick your hand in the loo again?’ I grin as I watch his lips twitch at the memory of me sitting on his arm in the hospital. ‘I could mark you officially.’

He’s trying his hardest, but failing miserably. He collapses onto his arse and laughs. It makes me feel so much better. While my hysterical husband rolls around on the floor, I hold the stick between my thighs and release my bladder. ‘Ava, baby, I love you so fucking much.’ He pulls himself up and kneels again, resting his palms on my thighs, and leans up to kiss me hard on the lips… while I’m peeing on a stick.

‘There.’ I pull my hand out and hand him the test, and he takes it, immediately giving me another. ‘What?’ I ask, frowning at the new stick.

‘I told you, sometimes they don’t work. Quick.’ He thrusts it forward.

My head rolls back in complete exasperation, but I take the stupid stick and repeat the same routine, only to finish and have another one shoved at me. ‘Jesse, come on!’

‘One more.’ He removes the lid.

‘For God’s sake.’ I snatch it on a scowl and shove it between my thighs. ‘That’s it!’ I drain the rest of my bladder, making sure it’s completely empty so I physically can’t pee on any more sticks. ‘There.’ I yank some tissue from the roll and sort myself out while he takes all three tests to the unit and places them neatly in a row.

Despite my irritation, I can’t help smiling as I watch him standing there, naked and bent slightly, bracing his hands on his knees and getting his face up close and personal with the tests.

‘Are you okay there?’ I ask, joining him and copying his position in front of the unit. ‘I think they’re broken. We should do some more.’ He makes to shift, but I grab his arm.

‘It’s been thirty seconds.’ I laugh, ‘Here, wash your hands.’ I take his hands and hold them under the tap while he keeps his eyes on the test, not paying a bit of attention to what I’m doing.

‘It’s been longer than that.’ he scoffs. ‘Much longer.’

‘No it hasn’t. Stop being neurotic.’ I resume knee brace in front of the unit, as does he.

Glancing out the corner of my eye, I meet his sideway glance, my lips curving at the corner. He raises defensive eyebrows at me. ‘I’m not neurotic.’

‘Of course you’re not.’ I tease.

‘Are you taking the piss out of me, lady?’

‘Not at all, My Lord.’

The silence falls again, and we both remain motionless, braced and waiting—waiting for the confirmation of what I already know. And then some faint letters start to appear on the first test, and I find myself holding my breath. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because I’m mimicking my challenging man, who’s suddenly gone rigid next to me. Time seems to slow slightly as the letters form and we both stare in silence. My heart picks up pace as my eyes drift over to the next test and find the slow development of the same letters. My heart is now trying to break free from my chest and our heads inch to the left a little to watch as the very same letters appear on the third and final test. It’s only now I realise that I’m still holding my breath, and I let it gush from my mouth as I sense Jesse next to me twitching. I turn my face to his, feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion. His head turns, too, until he’s facing me. We’re still bent over the unit, we’re still both bracing our arms of our knees and we’re both completely expressionless.

‘Hi, Daddy.’ I whisper, my voice quivering slightly as I watch him scanning my face.

‘Fuck me,’ he whispers back. ‘I can’t breathe.’ He collapses to the floor on his back and stares up at the ceiling. Why the shocked reaction? He wanted this.

I straighten myself out and roll my shoulder blades a little. I feel all stiff. ‘Are you okay?’ I ask, looking down at him. This wasn’t what I expected, but then his mouth starts twitching and his greens land on me. He jumps up and seizes me in his arms, lifting me clean from my feet on a shocked squeal. ‘What’s the matter with you?’

He paces quickly into the bedroom and places me down way too gently on the bed, yanking my towel away before crawling up above me and settling his body between my thighs and resting his chin on my stomach. He looks up at me with the most incredible amount of contentment in his eyes. They are twinkling madly, his damp hair is all over the place and his frown line and chewed lip are nowhere to be seen. How could I have ever doubted this when he’s looking so relaxed, like I’ve just given him life? Well, I have, I suppose. Or he has given life to me. Either or, my husband is one happy man, and now that I may have gotten my own head around this, I can see clearly—very, very clearly. He has more than enough love to share. This devastating man, this ex-playboy, will be an amazing daddy, if a little over-protective. I’ve not just given him life, a life revived and worthy, by giving him me, I’ve given him new life, too—a part of him and a part of me combined. And seeing him so unbelievably euphoric has chased away every single doubt. I can have a baby with this man.

‘I love you.’ he says quietly. ‘So much.’

I smile. ‘I know.’

He presses his lips to my stomach tenderly, and then strokes it softly. ‘And I love you, too.’ he whispers to my flat belly. He circles his nose around my bellybutton before he works his way up the bed and lays himself all over me. My hair is brushed from my face and he gazes down at me. ‘I’ll try to be better. With you, I mean. I’ll try not to smother you and make you crazy.’

‘I like you smothering me. It’s the unreasonableness that we need to work on.’

‘Give me specifics.’ he prompts.

‘You want to know exactly what drives me crazy?’

‘Yes, tell me. I can’t try to control it if I don’t know exactly what bothers you.’ He drops a chaste kiss on my lips, and I struggle to prevent a laugh. He doesn’t know? We could be here for the rest of the year, but I’ll focus on my main grievance for now.

‘You treated me too gently. When you thought I was pregnant, you stopped being fierce in the bedroom and I didn’t like it. I want my dominant Jesse back.’

He pulls back and his eyebrows shoot up. ‘What the hell have I done to you?’

‘You’re addictive, and lately I’ve been having Jesse withdrawal.’ I’m frank and honest with my answer. I need to get this out because another eight-ish months with gentle Jesse might send me crazy.

His frown line flickers straight across his brow. ‘I’ve taken you hard lately.’

‘Yes, but only when you thought I wasn’t pregnant, and when you thought I was, I had to provoke you into it. I want shock and awe.’

His frown deepens further. ‘Don’t you like sleepy sex?’

I sigh and reach up to grab his cheeks. ‘You won’t hurt it, you know.’

‘It?’ he laughs. ‘Let’s get one thing straight, lady. We will not be calling my baby it.’

‘It’s hardly a baby at the moment.’

‘What is it, then?’

‘Well, it’s probably more like a peanut.’ I watch as his eyes sparkle delightedly and a cheeky grin spreads across that otherworldly face. ‘Oh no, Ward!’ I laugh.

‘What?’ He leans down and rubs his nose up my cheek. ‘It’s perfect.’

‘I am not referring to our baby as peanut! End of!’ I yelp as I’m grabbed on my sensitive hipbone, and I start bucking under him, somewhere between delight and torture—the torture for obvious reasons and the delight because this is normal. This is us. ‘Stop!’ I cry.

And he does. ‘Shit!’ he curses.

‘What are you doing?’ I shout angrily. He looks down at my stomach and then back up at me, his shamed expression telling me he knows exactly what he’s just done. ‘See,’ I hit him with critical eyes. ‘That is what I mean! If you don’t reinstate some of your normal behaviour soon, then I’ll be moving to my mum and dad’s for the rest of this pregnancy.’ I’m not even being dramatic. I absolutely will. ‘I mean it, Ward. All of the fierceness, the rough, the countdowns and fuckings of various degrees, I want them back, and I want them now.’

He’s just looking at his wife like she’s a complete nutcase. I think she is. ‘Calmed down yet?’ he asks seriously.

‘That depends on whether any of this is sinking in to this thick skull of yours.’ I reach for his hair and yank it.

‘Ouch!’ He laughs a little and then sighs, rolling over onto his back and taking me with him. His knees come up to support my back, and he studies me thoughtfully. I let him. I sit and wait for him to piece together what he wants to say until he inhales deeply. ‘Do you remember when I found you at the bar, when I showed you how to dance?’

I smile as I relax against his thighs behind me. ‘That was the night that I realised I’d fallen in love with you.’ I confess.

‘I know because you told me. You were drunk, but you still said it.’

‘Hmm. Must have been the dancing.’

‘I know.’ His shoulders jump up casually. ‘I’m good.’

I shake my head at his impertinence. ‘You’re arrogant.’ I’ve grown to love that about him, too. His confidence is actually a huge turn-on, especially now that he’s just mine. And he has every right to be self-assured.

‘It would seem that I’m a little brighter than my beautiful wife.’ he says, wrapping his palms around my ankles.

‘You’re really arrogant.’

‘No, not this time. This time I’m just honest. You see, I realised that I was in love with you before then.’

I pout. ‘Does that make you cleverer than me?’

‘Yes, it does. The whole time you were running, I was so frustrated. I was thinking there must’ve been something wrong with you.’ He smiles shyly. ‘You know, because you wouldn’t submit to me.’

‘Like the others did.’ I confirm his point. I imagine rejection was very frustrating for a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease. He nods, and I sigh. ‘It was only because I knew I’d get hurt. Even though I didn’t know you, it was obvious you…’ I pause briefly. ‘were experienced.’ I was going to say a womaniser, but I don’t think Jesse could be labelled that at all. Women threw themselves at his feet, made it easy for him, so he didn’t need to resort to chasing. Until he met me.

His fingertips start tracing up my shins, and he watches their path. ‘When I left you for those four days…’

‘Don’t!’ I blurt. ‘Please don’t talk about that.’

‘Just let me explain something. It’s important.’ He reaches up and pulls me down so we’re nose to nose. ‘I was so confused by what I was feeling. It took that time away from you to piece together exactly what it was. I couldn’t work out why I was behaving like a madman. I really did think I was going fucking crazy, Ava.’

I absolutely do not relish these reminders. I don’t know where this is leading to, but I already know that he left me because he knew he was in trouble, because he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t need to hear it all again.

He has a little nibble of his lip, right under my nose, and then presses on. ‘I spent day three and four reliving every single moment with you. I replayed them repeatedly until I was torturing myself, so I came to find you. Then you fucking ran again.’

Of course I ran again. My instincts didn’t fail me. Even if I wasn’t wholly sure of why I should be running, I knew I had to.

‘Ava, the night when you told me that you love me, everything became so fucking clear, but at the same time it was a massive blur. I wanted you to love me, but I knew you didn’t really know me. I knew there was stuff that would make you run again, but I also knew that I belonged to you, and it scared me to fucking death to think that once you started unravelling it all, you’d be off again. I couldn’t risk it, not after it took me so long to find you.’ His eyes close and he takes a further deep breath of confidence. ‘I took your pills that night.’

I’m not even shocked. He’s confessed, not only to stealing them, but why he did. It makes sense to him in his crazy world, and worryingly, it kind of does to me.

His lips press to mine softly. ‘I sat there all night and watched you sleeping, and all I thought about was every reason for you not to want me. I knew it was wrong to take them, but I saw it as collateral. That’s how desperate I was.’

I relax into him, my face falling into his neck. ‘So you don’t want a baby? You just want to keep me?’

He pulls me out of his neck and hits me with his smile, reserved only for me. ‘I want everything in the world with you, baby, and I want it all yesterday.’

Deep down, I think I knew that, too. ‘Thank you for my watch.’

He smiles and reaches up to drag his finger across my bottom lip. ‘You’re more than welcome.’

I fall to his lips and lose myself in him. It’s slow, it’s soft, it’s exquisite. It’s just how it’s supposed to be in this moment.