Текст книги "This Man Confessed"

Автор книги: Jodi Ellen Malpas

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Текущая страница: 24 (всего у книги 34 страниц)

‘I cannot believe you did that.’

‘Why?’ He pushes the champagne flutes away from us.

I’m about to argue my case, but I can feel eyes on me again, and I know who it is. I turn slowly, finding her staring again. She’s quite a few tables away, and there are masses of people between us, but a small gap in the crowd is giving me a clear view, and it’s obviously giving her one, too, because she’s making the most of it. ‘Do you know that woman?’ I ask, keeping my eyes on her, even though she’s returned to her meal.

‘What woman?’ Jesse asks, leaning over me to see where my gaze is directed.

‘There, the women with the pale blue cardigan.’ I almost point across the restaurant, but quickly rein in my lifting hand. ‘Can you see?’

After what seems like forever has passed and he still hasn’t answered me, I turn and watch as the colour drains from his face, leaving a pasty shocked one in place of the tanned content one.

‘What’s the matter?’ I instinctively slap my hand on his forehead to gage his temperature, noting with just a second’s touch that he’s stone cold. ‘Jesse?’ He’s staring blankly past me in a complete trance. I’m worried. ‘Jesse, what’s wrong?’

He shakes his head, like he’s shaking off a concussion, and turns haunted eyes onto me. I can see that he’s trying to look okay, but my husband is failing miserably. There’s something seriously wrong. ‘We’re leaving.’ He stands, knocking a glass over, attracting a little bit more attention. Throwing a pile of notes on the table, he wastes no time lifting my perplexed arse from the chair and leading me out of the restaurant.

He strides with complete purpose towards the car, virtually pulling me along behind him. ‘What is wrong with you?’ I try again, but I know it’s in vain. He has completely shut down.

The car door is opened, and I look up at him as he starts to guide me in, but I get nothing. No acknowledgment, no expression, no explanation. I do notice his shoulder tense and rise, though, and his chest is beginning to heave. He’s looking past me, yet still trying to push me into the car.

‘Jesse?’ The unfamiliar female voice pulls my attention away from my spaced out husband and to a women behind me. The woman. I stare at her in confusion, feeling Jesse’s hand grip me tighter. I can hear his breathing now, too. I’m completely bewildered, but I still manage to take her in, running my eyes up and down this stranger who has spent the best part of her time in the seafront eatery staring at me, or Jesse, or us. I’m not sure. But the longer I’m looking at her, the clearer it’s all becoming.

Jesse tries to reposition me to get me in the car, but I shrug him off, too intrigued by who I’m looking at. ‘Ava, baby, we’re going.’ He’s not demanding or shouting at me impatiently, despite my defiance. It makes me want to cry.

‘Jesse, son.’ The women steps forward and my fears are confirmed.

‘You don’t get to call me that.’ Jesse says tightly. ‘Ava, get in the car.’

I get in. That was all the confirmation I needed. I don’t need to hear anything else, no shouting matches or explanations. That’s Jesse’s mum. I shift my body in the seat and watch him make his way around the back of the car, feeling concerned when I see his mum hurry past the front to intercept him. I watch as she places a hand on his arm and he shrugs it off, I hear as she pleads for a chance to talk, and then I see as she presses her body up against the driver’s door to prevent him from accessing the car. His hands fly to his hair and yank, the pain on his face breaking my heart. He won’t physically remove his mother, which leaves him out there vulnerable. I can’t just sit here and watch him struggle like this, so I get out and make my way around to Jesse and his mother, with nothing but determination coursing through me.

I stand in front of Jesse, like a protective shield, and look her square in the eye. ‘Please, I’m asking you to move.’

He leans over me. ‘You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here?’ Jesse’s voice is broken and shaky, as is his body. I can feel the vibrations seeping into my back. ‘It’s Amalie’s wedding weekend in Seville. Why are you here?’

Realisation dawns. I didn’t read far enough into the invite to note a date or location, but Jesse obviously did. Why else would he bring me here, unless he knew his parents would be gone? But they are here. And it’s sent Jesse spiralling into turmoil.

‘It’s your father,’ she begins. ‘The wedding, it got postponed because your father had a heart attack. Amalie tried to get in touch after you never replied to her wedding invite.’

Jesse’s chest presses into mine, and I know he’s going to speak, which is good because I can think of nothing to say. I’m struck dumb. This is information overload. ‘So tell me why Amalie tried to contact me? Why not you?’

‘I thought you would answer your sister.’ she replies quickly. ‘I was hoping you would answer you sister’s calls.’

‘Well you were wrong!’ he roars over my shoulder, making me wince. ‘You don’t get to do this to me. No more, Mum. Your influence already fucked my life up, and now I’m making it right all on my own!’

She flinches, but she doesn’t defend herself. Her green eyes—just like Jesse’s—are all clouded and desperate. So many thoughts are racing through my brain, but my priority is Jesse and his obvious distress.

‘Twins,’ his mom whispers, reaching forward with her hand.

I freeze. I can’t move. Her eyes are studying my stomach, and I see pain etched all over her wrinkled face. I’m pulled back, just avoiding a skimming of her hand on my tummy. It snaps me from my daze and makes me reassess the situation. It doesn’t take long. I need to get Jesse away.

‘Ava,’ His voice has softened in my ear. ‘Please, get me out of here.’

My heart splits straight down the middle. ‘I’m asking you nicely.’ I look at his mother, whose eyes are still focused on my midriff. ‘Please move.’

‘It’s another chance, Jesse.’ She’s sobbing now, but I don’t feel any sympathy for her. Jesse doesn’t speak. He remains still and quiet behind me. I think he might have fallen into a trance, and I’m not at all surprised. Those few words have only heightened my determination and turned my building tears into pure anger. I can’t lash out at his mother, though.

I turn and slide my hand onto Jesse’s arm. ‘Come on,’ I say softly, tugging at his arm. He lets me take him. I’m guiding him for once, and I make fast work of it. I’m determined to remove my husband from this situation which is causing him anguish. I’ve only ever seen him like this a handful of times and every one of those times has ended in heartache. I’m not prepared to set him or myself up for any further difficulties in our relationship.

I open the passenger door and gently guide him in, while he stares blankly at the thin air in front of him. I’m more than relieved when I see Jesse’s mum come around the front of the car because it means I can hurry around the back and jump in the driver’s seat. The first thing I do is locate the door locks and flick the switch before I search Jesse for the keys. I’ve never driven on the wrong side of the road before, or on the wrong side of the car, but now is not the time to get myself in a panic over something so trivial. I start the DBS up and barely look behind me as I reverse carelessly out of the space before whacking it into first and pulling away a little more cautiously. I chance a look in the rear view mirror and see a man taking Jesse’s mum in his arms. His dad.

My eyes do a quick check of the road ahead, noting the exit gates, but I don’t have a chance to panic about finding the card that will open them. They shift automatically and I’m getting further away from Jesse’s parents by the second. I glance at him, and I don’t like what I see—a troubled man, staring blankly out of the window, showing no emotion. If he was angry I would feel better, but he’s not. The only familiarity is the deep crevice across his brow and the cogs of his complex mind spinning out of control. Strangely, these little traits offer me some comfort. What he could be thinking about, however, does not.

Another chance? That’s what she said. I can’t blame Jesse for his meltdown, not when his mother has just suggested that everything can be righted by the birth of his own twins. That’s cruel and selfish, and it will never make up for the years of sorrow and betrayal that have come before.

These babies and I are Jesse’s chance at happiness, not his parent’s opportunity to right all of their wrongs. If she intends on using my babies as some sort of family therapy, then she can think again.

* * *

I have no idea where I’m going, but I just about manage to coax directions from Jesse. The familiar fragrance of Paradise finally has me relaxing completely as I make my way up the cobbled driveway to the villa. He gets out of the car and strides towards the veranda, leaving me to follow tentatively behind. I don’t know what to do. I know we won’t be talking, so I need to do what instinct is telling me and that’s to just be there for him. Not fish for information to ease my own inquisitive mind, or stamp my feet and demand answers. I already know what I need to. I know Jesse’s parents have influenced his life too much. Now he’s making it right all on his own, just like he said, and I need to let him do that.

Following him into the villa, I find him standing in the middle of the room. I’m quiet as I approach behind him, but he doesn’t flinch when I slide my hand into his. He knew I was close, as he always does. I lead him into the bedroom and start to unbutton his shirt. There is no sexual tension ricocheting between us, or heavy desperate breaths. I’m just looking after him.

His head is dropped, he’s completely despondent, but he lets me undress him until he’s standing before me naked and quiet. I go to direct him to the bed, but he stands firm and turns me back towards him, then sets about unzipping my dress and pulling it over my head, encouraging me to lift my arms. I let him do his thing, anything to drag him from his melancholy state. I stand quietly while he sees through his task, unhooking my bra before kneeling and taking my knickers down my legs. I’m lifted to his body, my legs finding their place around his hips, and he positions himself on the bed, back against the headboard so I’m sitting on his lap, pressed against his chest. He’s not prepared to have any space between us, which is fine by me. His arms are completely encasing me, his nose is in my hair and his heartbeat is slow and steady under my ear. This is all I can do, and if need be, I’ll do it until the day I die.

Chapter 26

I feel different this morning. I’m on my back, but I’m not sprawled across the bed with a light breeze tickling my naked skin, and I’m unable to stretch. It takes a few seconds to register why. It’s because I’m cocooned beneath Jesse, who is half laying on me, half off, so he isn’t putting pressure on my tummy. His face is nuzzled in the space between my jaw and my shoulder, his palm is flat on my abdomen and his hot, minty breath is heating my neck. Why isn’t he out running? My rousing brain is a little confused, but not for long. It speedily kicks into gear, reminding me of the events of last night, the pain, the anguish and the shock. Paradise was turned upside down. His parents now know about me, and after Jesse’s little trampling mission in the restaurant, they also know that he has twins on the way.

My fingers slip into his hair as I gaze up at the ceiling and massage gently. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want to delve deep, and I really don’t think I need to. All I need to do is be here, listen when he wants to speak, and hold him when he needs some comfort. His pained face has brought back a whole black past of memories between us—the moment we were standing in Kate’s lounge and he begged me not to leave him, the time I left him drunk at Lusso, and the moment I found him in his office with a whip wielding Sarah. All of those incidents lead to further excruciating pain, and I need to avoid any repeat at all costs. And I will. This man has a troubled history, but I’m fixing all of that hurt and suffering. It’s no wonder he wants to keep me from it all. I’m his little piece of heaven, and I’ll never allow him to fall back into his hellish, hollow past.

As I lay giving myself a little mental pep talk, I know he’s awake. I feel the slight flicker of his long lashes against my neck, but I remain quiet, allowing him to have his thinking space, my fingers keeping up the gentle twisting of his hair and the odd massage of his head. He would know I’m awake, even if I wasn’t moving.

‘I would never have brought you here if I’d have known.’ His raspy voice breaks the silence. ‘I never wanted my life with you to be stained by my past.’

Our lives have been tarnished by his past in many ways, and I know he never wanted any of it to affect us. But it has. And now this might, too, if he allows it. ‘It hasn’t affected us.’ I assure him. ‘So please don’t let it.’

‘They have no place in my life, Ava. Not before, and even less now.’ His hand starts a slow movement across my stomach.

I know why he’s saying this. His babies will not replace Jake. They will not ease Jesse’s parent’s guilt. And I know for sure they’ll never be reason for reconciliation. Some things are unforgivable, and your mum and dad doing anything other than loving and supporting you are just a few of them. My dad has always said that he could never tell me what to do, only advise me. He has said he would never force my hand in anything, knowing it would make me unhappy. He said he would always be there, despite my choices and he would make things better if it was the wrong choice. And he did. Many times. Not for such extreme things as I know Jesse’s choices have entailed, but the principle is still the same. That’s what parents do. They don’t influence their children for their own benefit. My compassion is fierce. Jesse has always said that I’m all he needs, and I know he wholeheartedly means it. And it’s completely understandable, given what this man has been through, not just the history of women and drink, but with his parents. That is the root cause of everything.

‘You don’t need to explain anything to me. You and me.’ I repeat his words to enforce my own.

He rolls onto his back and pulls at me, encouraging me to crawl onto his chest. I find my way and start my slow, light trailing of his scar. ‘This place was Carmichael’s.’ he says quietly. ‘It was part of his estate, as was the boat.’

‘I know.’ I smile to myself. I was right on the money with my own private conclusion.

‘How did you know?’

‘Why else would you have a villa so close to where your parents live?’

I can’t see him, but I know he’s smiling. ‘My beautiful girl is frightening me.’

‘Why?’ I ask, frowning into his chest.

‘Because she’s usually so demanding for information.’

I have to agree, but I’ve found out more since I convinced myself to keep my trap shut than I ever did when I was stamping and screaming. ‘There can’t be anything else you could tell me that would convince me to run away from you again.’

‘I’m glad you’ve said that.’ he says quietly.

If there was anything he could say that would make me stiffen and wish I could retract my words, then that would be it. Instinctively I know I’m not going to like what I will hear. It’s like I’m unintentionally pulling confessions from this man.

‘Ava?’ he says quietly.

‘What?’

‘I need to tell you something.’ He goes to move, but I make myself a dead weight, ensuring optimum difficulty for him, not that it makes a blind bit of difference. I’m removed from his chest with minimal effort and turned onto my back. He straddles my waist, but doesn’t rest himself fully on me. He chews his lip for a few moments while I look up at him, a sceptical expression plastered all over my face. I know knowledge is power is the sensible option, but given what Jesse has presented me in the knowledge department, it scares the fucking life out of me.

He takes my hands and holds them tightly. ‘I’ve had Sarah at The Manor while we’ve been gone.’

‘WHAT?’ My head lifts and my throat is instantly hoarse.

‘She’s dealing with things while I’m gone. John can’t do it on his own, Ava.’

‘But Sarah? You said she was gone, end of!’ I’m livid. My blood is instantly boiling and it’s heating my face, all thoughts of absconded parents and painful histories eradicated at the mention of her name. ‘Why after everything she’s done would you allow that?’ I snatch my hands from his and try to push him way. ‘Get off!’

‘Ava, will you calm down! ‘

‘Why? Worried I might injure your babies?’ I spit at him.

Those words just changed his concerned look to one of displeasure. He’s scowling at me, but I couldn’t give a toss. ‘Don’t talk fucking shit.’ He manages to seize my flailing hands and secure them above my head.

‘You think it.’ I yell in his face. ‘Your constant monitoring and over-protectiveness tells me all I need to know.’

‘I’ve always been overprotective, so don’t brandish that card, lady!’

He’s right, he has, but I’m pissed and I’ll use anything against him, which reminds me that we’ve steered off course a bit. ‘She goes, or I do!’

He actually rolls his eyes. I don’t appreciate it. I buck myself, and he releases me, but it’s because he doesn’t want me to hurt his babies. It makes me madder. ‘Ava, I was in a mess, you refuse to work for me, and I need someone who knows what they’re doing.’

I stop and swing round. ‘So she’s working for you again?’ I don’t believe this. Her compassionate little speech at the coffee house stood for shit. She’s probably delighting in this. He gets up and walks towards me. ‘Stop where you are, Ward!’ I point my finger in his face. ‘Don’t try to placate me or convince me that this is all fine because it fucking isn’t!’

‘Watch you fucking mouth!’

‘No! She’s in love with you. Do you know that? Everything she has done really is because she wants to take you away from me, so don’t even think about trying to convince me that this is a good idea.’

‘I know,’

I snap my mouth shut and retreat back a little. ‘What do you mean, you know?’

‘I know she’s in love with me.’

‘You do?’

‘Of course I do, Ava. I’m not fucking stupid.’

I scoff. ‘You obviously are! You’ll trample anyone who tries to take me away from you, yet right under your nose, she’s doing the best job and you’re choosing to ignore it!’ I swing around and stamp my way into the kitchen. I need some water to sooth my scratchy throat.

‘I didn’t just let it go unsaid, Ava. I had it out with her and she admitted and regretted it all.’

‘Of course she regrets it. She failed! She’s probably regretting not doing a better job.’ I slam my glass down on the worktop. ‘And you may as well have let it go unsaid. Did you offer burial or cremation?’

His face screws up. ‘What?’

‘The usual option you give people who hurt me. Did you offer it to Sarah?’

‘No, I offered her a job in return for her word that she’ll never interfere again. I told her that if you say so, she’s out.’

‘I say so!’ I shout. ‘I say she’s out!’

‘But she hasn’t done anything.’

I look at the thick skinned idiot across the worktop in disbelieve. ‘She’s not done anything?’

His eyes close and he exhales long and wearily. ‘I mean she’s not done anything since I reinstated her. And you rewarded her with a tidy crack to the jaw for the stuff that came before.’

‘Why are you doing this? You know how I feel, Jesse.’

‘Because she’s desperate, Ava. She has no life past The Manor.’

‘You feel sorry for her?’ I ask more calmly. I love everything about this man, except his sudden empathy for all of these historical women who are trying to sabotage our relationship. Look what he did to Matt, for Christ’s sake.

‘Ava, first of all, I want you to calm down because it’s not good for you or the babies.’

‘I am calm!’ I screech, lifting my glass with wobbly hands. I’m far from calm.

He sighs and cocks his head to crack his neck, almost like he’s alleviating some stress. I have no idea what he’s so stressed about. Let me tell him that I’ll continue to work for Mikael and see what reaction that sparks. It’s the same principle, kind of.

He walks over to me, takes the glass from my hand and picks me up, placing me on the worktop. My jaw is seized and pulled up to meet his face. I maintain my scowl, looking at him through pissed off eyes.

‘Sarah has nothing. I kicked her out when she came clean, and thought no more of it.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘Until John spoke with her and she was saying all kinds of fucked up shit, the most worrying part mentioning death being better than living her life without me.’

My suspicious mind instantly makes me think that it’s another ploy to nab him. I can’t help it. ‘Attention seeker.’ I snipe, still scowling. Her past actions are a clear indication to what lengths she’ll go to.

‘I thought so, too, but John wasn’t so sure. He found her. She’d slashed her wrists and taken a pile of pain killers.’ He raises his eyebrows as I recoil. ‘It was no cry for help, Ava. There was no attention seeking about it. John only just got her to the hospital in time. She wanted to die.’

My brain is failing me on all counts. There are plenty of sensible questions that I should be asking, but nothing is coming to me. I’m blank.

‘I don’t want another death on my conscience, baby. I live with Jake’s every single day. I can’t do it.’

I choke on sympathy. ‘She came to see me.’ I say. I don’t know where it comes from.

‘She told me.’ He reaches up and cups my cheek. ‘But I’m surprised you never mentioned this before.’

What can I say? That Sarah’s words were, in fact, the reason for my clarity? That she was the reason I turned up at The Manor in such a state? ‘I didn’t think it was important.’ I answer feebly. Does he know exactly when Sarah paid me a visit, because if he does, then surely he’ll know that a couple of hours later, I was a deranged wreck, desperate to see him.

‘It was Sarah who told Matt about my drinking.’ He starts biting his lip.

I recoil further, and his hand drops from my face. That’s how Matt found out? ‘Is that how you knew I was collecting my clothes from Matt’s too?’

He nods. ‘She said she’d overheard you on the phone, telling someone you were intending to pick your stuff up. I was too mad to piece it together. I saw red, acted on impulse and asked questions later.’

So her list of misdemeanours goes further. I desperately do not want to feel sorry for her. ‘She said she couldn’t work for you anymore.’ I remind him. ‘So how come she is?’

‘I asked her. I’ll never find someone else to do the job, which means I’ll have to do it, and I’m not prepared to give up my time with you. And you should know, she only accepted on the condition that you were okay with it.’

If I’m okay with it? That makes me feel like total shit. So the future of Sarah has been placed in my hands? If I say no, will she try to top herself again? And if I agree, will I be facing another round of Sarah trying to split us up? ‘You’re not giving me much of a choice.’ I mutter. I’m trying and failing to be logical here. I don’t want to lose Jesse to The Manor’s demands at the best of times, not least to piles of paperwork that will stress him out. I’ll never see him, but if I accept this, then I’m accepting what she has done to us, and I don’t think I can do that, not even when she’s tried to kill herself. But Jesse’s words keep running on repeat in my head.

I live with Jake’s every single day. I can’t do it.

And I can’t do it to him, just because of my insecurities regarding The Manor’s resident Indiana Jones. My anxieties are justified, but Jesse’s guilt isn’t, and I can’t put him through any more than he’s already dealt with. It would be cruel and selfish. I love him too much.

He re-cups my cheeks and pierces me with green eyes full of sincerity. ‘I’ll tell her it’s a no go. I’m not prepared to see you so unhappy.’

I crumble on the inside. He’s prepared to live with the potential of further blood on his hands, even though none of this is his fault, just to keep me happy? I shake my head in his grasp. ‘No, I want you with me more than I want her gone.’

‘You do?’ He sounds surprised.

‘Of course I do, but you have to promise me something.’

‘Anything, you know that.’ He kisses my forehead.

This is not strictly true because he wouldn’t ask this of me. I’m trying to disregard the mitigating circumstances, but it’s hard to ignore a woman who’s attempted suicide because my husband doesn’t want her. ‘When the babies arrive, you won’t be at The Manor day and night. You’ll be with me as often as you can. I don’t know if I can do this.’ The fear of being alone with twins is scaring me. I don’t care that I’ve just admitted it. One baby was frightening enough. Two babies? I’m terrified, and he needs to know.

His lips curve at the edges. He finds my panic funny? ‘Ava, you’ll have to bury me six feet under before I have it any other way. You can do it because you have me.’ He wraps me in his arms and pulls me off the counter so I’m left little choice but to cling onto him with my legs around his naked hips and my arms around his naked shoulders. ‘We’re going to be okay.’

‘I know.’ I admit. I’m feeling needy, like I’m seeking constant reassurance. He’ll always give it to me, but he must be slightly concerned by my anxiousness. I’m hardly showing any motherly tendencies. Shouldn’t it be the woman reading the books and buying folic acid?

‘Let’s not fight. It makes my heart split in pain, and I don’t want you stressing out. We have to watch your blood pressure.’ He starts pacing back towards the bedroom.

I link my fingers at the nape of his neck and lean back so I can see him. ‘I’m confiscating that book.’

He grins at me. ‘That’s my book, and I’m keeping it.’

‘We need to make friends.’ I straighten my back, pulling my body into his so my nipple is at his mouth. ‘Did you read the part of the book that says a husband should service his wife as she demands?’

He bites down gently and swirls his tongue in a deliciously slow rotation, spiking a moan from me and a chuckle from him. ‘I did, but our plane is scheduled for take-off in two hours. I need more time, so I’ll service you in the tub when we get home. Deal?’

‘No deal.’ I retort, thrusting my chest to his mouth again. ‘I want to stay in Paradise.’

‘You’re incorrigible, and I love it.’ I’m lowered to the bed on a disgusted snort. ‘But we need to catch that flight.’

‘I need you.’ I grasp his cock loosely, teasingly, and he jumps away.

‘Ava, when I have you, I like to take my time.’ He plants a chaste kiss on my lips. ‘Pack.’

I flop back on the bed in complete pregnancy fuelled exasperation. My time in Paradise is up.