Текст книги "This Man Confessed"
Автор книги: Jodi Ellen Malpas
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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 34 страниц)
‘John, don’t stop until you’ve found out who’s in my fucking car.’ Jesse hangs up and stuffs his phone back in his pocket. He pulls at my chin. ‘Look at me, baby.’
I gaze up at him. I’m not sure what to say. ‘Where’s your helmet?’
He takes a deep breath and claps my cheeks in his palms. ‘Fucking hell.’ He kisses me hard on the lips. ‘Why do you refuse to play ball?’ He kisses my nose, my lips, my eyes, my cheeks. ‘I sent John to get you, Ava. Why didn’t you let him take you to work?’
‘Because I wanted to shred Matt.’ I admit. ‘But you beat me to it.’
‘I was so angry, Ava.’
‘I would never have seen it through. I wouldn’t have killed our baby.’ I know I need to say this, at the very least.
‘Shhh.’ He continues placing his lips all over my face and my arms finally lift to hold him tightly. I never want to let go.
‘Excuse me, sir.’ The strange voice pulls both of our attention to the side where a policeman is standing. ‘Is the young lady okay?’
Jesse looks back at me and starts doing an all over visual assessment. ‘I don’t know. Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine.’ I smile awkwardly. ‘What about the other drivers?’ I look across to the two wrecked cars.
‘Just a few cuts and bruises.’ The copper says. ‘You were all very lucky. Shall we get you checked over before we run through some questions?’ He smiles kindly and signals over to an ambulance.
I feel all dramatic and a bit of a bother. ‘I feel fine, honestly.’
Jesse growls and tosses me a fierce scowl. ‘I’m going to take that fine in my palm and slap you all over the arse with it.’
‘I am fine.’ My car’s not, though. It looks terrible. Mum’s insistence that we should never leave each other on a cross word has never hit so hard. I appreciate it fully, and I don’t ever plan on leaving Jesse on bad terms again. Never.
Jesse makes a meal of exhaling and flopping his head back. ‘Ava, don’t defy me on this, please. I have no problem with pinning you down in the ambulance so they can confirm you’re okay.’ His head drops back down. ‘Are you going the easy way, or the hard way?’
‘I’ll go.’ I agree quietly. I’ll do anything he says. I free myself from his chest. ‘My bag,’
‘I’ll get it.’ He sprints away.
‘My phone’s on the floor!’ I call after him, but he just waves his arm over his head to acknowledge that he heard. He’s back in seconds, and the policeman leads us to the ambulance, pushing his way through the growing crowds of pedestrians.
A paramedic on the back puts his hand out to me, but I don’t get the chance to grasp it. I’m lifted and placed in the white van. ‘Thank you,’ I smile down at Jesse and watch as the copper gets a pad and pen from his pocket.
‘Sir, while she’s being taken care of, do you mind answering a few questions?’
‘Yes, I do. You’ll have to wait.’
‘Sir, I’d like to ask you a few questions.’ The policeman isn’t asking nicely this time.
Jesse turns his full body into him, the edge of threat clear in his stance. He’s trampling a copper. ‘My wife and child are in the back of that ambulance and the only way you’re going to stop me from seeing to them is if I’m dead.’ He steps back and holds his hands out to the side. ‘So fucking shoot me.’
The policeman looks up at me, and I smile apologetically. The last thing I need is Jesse being arrested. I don’t know whether it’s put down to emotions running high, but the copper nods and gestures for Jesse to join me. My trampling Lord’s glower is still fixed to his face as he turns back towards me, but it soon falls away. His face is level with my stomach, but his eyes are currently dropped and looking at my bare legs.
Reaching forward, he runs his finger up the inside of my calf. ‘Baby, you’re cut.’
I glance down. ‘Where?’ I can’t feel anything. I pull at my dress, hitching it higher, but there is no sign of any cut. Higher it goes; still more blood but no cut. I look at Jesse in confusion, but he’s frozen as he watches me searching for the source of the blood. His eyes lift to mine. They are wide and uneasy. It doesn’t sit well. I start shaking my head as he moves forward, taking my dress up as far as it can go.
There is no cut.
The blood is coming from my knickers.
‘No!’ I cry out, realisation crashing into me like a tornado.
‘Oh Jesus,’ He yanks the hem of my dress back down and jumps up to the ambulance, engulfing me in his arms. ‘Fucking hell, no.’
‘Sir?’
‘Hospital. NOW!’
I’m placed on gurney gently and hear the slamming of metal doors, making me jump. I turn into his chest, clutching at his t-shirt and hiding my face from him. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Shut up, Ava.’ He grabs the back of my hair and pulls me out. His eyes are a cloud of green. ‘Please, just shut up.’ His thumb drags under my eye, collecting some tears. ‘I love you.’
This is my punishment. This is my penance for having such toxic thoughts. I deserve it, but Jesse doesn’t. He deserves the happiness I know this baby would’ve given him. It’s an extension of me, and I know that he can’t get enough me. I’ve destroyed his dream. I should have seen things clearer sooner. I should have changed my address at the surgery. I should have let John take me to work. I shouldn’t have gone to Matt’s office. There are so many things I have and haven’t done that could have changed how things are playing out.
My shame is eating away at me and it will do for the rest of my life. It hasn’t happened how I had stupidly first thought, but the end result is the same. I’ve killed our baby.
Chapter 19
The silence surrounding us is painful. The whole way in the ambulance, I sobbed and Jesse constantly told me how much he loves me. I can’t help but think it’s simply because he doesn’t know what else to say. There’s no comfort or reassurance coming from those three words. He hasn’t said it doesn’t matter because I know it does. He hasn’t said it’s not my fault because I know it is. He hasn’t said that we will be fine either, and I don’t know if we will. Just when I was beginning to see light at the end of the never-ending tunnel of issues, we’re hit with the worst kind of devastation—a damage that can’t be fixed. Our love for each other will be tested to the absolute limit now, but the dwelling ache deep inside of me is not filling me with hope. I’m not sure if we can survive this. He’ll resent me forever.
He carries me from the ambulance, rejecting the wheelchair that’s brought out by a nurse. He silently follows the doctor down the busy corridor, all of the time looking straight ahead and flipping one word answers to anyone who asks him questions. I can’t feel anything except Jesse’s thundering heartbeat under my hand, which is resting on his chest. All of my nerve endings seem to have died. I can’t sense a thing.
After what seems like an eternity of gently bobbing up and down in Jesse’s arms, I’m lowered onto a huge hospital bed in a private room. He’s gentle and all of his actions are tender and loving as he strokes my hair, props my head up slightly and covers my legs with the thin sheet that’s lying at the foot of the bed. But there are still no comforting or reassuring words.
We’re closed in from every direction by machines and medical equipment. A nurse stays, but the ambulance men leave after giving a brief rundown on me, what has happened and the observations they have already performed on the way to the hospital. The nurse takes notes, sticks things in my ear and holds thing to my chest. She asks questions, and I answers quietly, but the whole time, I keep my eyes on Jesse, who’s sitting in a chair with his face in his palms.
The nurse pulls my reluctant eyes away from my grieving husband when she hands me a gown. She smiles. It’s a sympathetic smile. Then she leaves the room. I just hold it for a while, until so much time has passed, I think it could be next week, or even next year. I want it to be next year. Will this crippling pain and guilt be gone by next year?
I finally slide myself to the side of the bed, my back to Jesse, and reach around to unzip my dress. In the quiet, I hear him stand, like my movements have suddenly snapped him from his nightmare and his obligatory duties have kicked in.
He comes and stands in front of me, but my stinging eyes remain on the floor. ‘Let me.’ he says softly, taking over the removal of my dress.
‘It’s okay. I can manage.’ I counter softy. I don’t want him to do anything that he doesn’t want to.
‘You probably can,’ He pulls my dress up over my head, ‘but it’s my job and I’d like to keep it.’
My chin starts to tremble as I fight to restrain the persistent tears, not wanting to enflame any guilt he might be feeling himself. ‘Thank you,’ I whisper, still keeping my welling eyes from his line of sight.
It’s an impossible task, especially when he bends and pushes his face up into my neck, forcing my face up to his. ‘Don’t thank me for looking after you, Ava. It’s what I’ve been put on this earth to do. It’s what keeps me here. Don’t ever thank me for that.’
‘I’ve ruined everything. I’ve lost your dream.’
He pushes me down onto the bed and kneels in front of me. ‘My dream is you, Ava. Day and night, just you.’ My vision is hazy and blurred, but I can clearly see the tears trickling from his green eyes. ‘I can manage without anything, but never you. Not ever. Don’t look like this, please. Don’t look like you think it’s the end. It’s never the end for us. Nothing will break us, Ava. Do you understand me?’
I nod through my quiet weeping, unable to form words or even say them if I could.
He brushes the back of his hand roughly across his cheeks. ‘We let these people tell us you’re going to be okay, and then we go home to be together.’
I nod again.
‘Tell me you love me.’
A loud sob spills from my mouth and my arms find his shoulders and pull him into me. ‘I need you.’
‘I need you, too.’ he whispers. His hands all over my back, despite being cool and a little shaky, give me all of the comfort I need. We will be okay. Heartbroken, but okay. ‘Let me get you into this gown.’
I’m pulled up from the bed, but he remains kneeling, and starts peeling my blood stained underwear away from my body. I can’t look. I clench my eyes shut and feel instead of see my knickers being slowly drawn down my thighs. The familiar feel on his fingertip tapping my ankle prompts me to step out, but all of the time, I keep my eyes clenched shut. For the briefest of moments, I know he has moved from in front of me, and then I hear a tap running before he’s back and gently sweeping a wet cloth up the inside on my thigh. My heart constricts painfully in my chest, and I’m gulping back tears repeatedly.
‘Arms,’ Jesse’s soft instruction encourages me to open my eyes. I find him holding the gown in front of me. My arms thread through, and I’m turned so he can fasten it. ‘Up you get.’ he orders. I shift myself back into position, just as there’s a knock on the door. Jesse calls an okay.
The same nurse has returned, but this time she has a white coated doctor with her. He shuts the door softly and nods at Jesse, who is suddenly more alert, and I know why.
The doctor has a fiddle with the machine at the side of me, and then perches on the edge of the bed. ‘How are you feeling, Ava?’ he asks.
‘Fine.’ The one word that Jesse has threatened to spank my arse with just slips right out. He sighs but doesn’t say anything. ‘I’m okay, thank you.’
‘Okay, no aches or pains, cuts or bruises?’
‘No, nothing.’
He smiles mildly and folds back the sheet that’s covering my stomach. ‘Let’s see what’s going on. Would you like to pull the gown up so I can feel you tummy?’
Even now, when we are in the darkest most desperate place, I can feel Jesse’s tenseness at the prospect of another man laying his hands on me. I glance over to him and give pleading eyes, but he just shakes his head. ‘I might step outside.’ he says quietly, stepping back towards the door.
‘Don’t you dare!’ I cry. ‘Don’t you dare leave me.’ I know he’s struggling, and I know the idea of another man touching me is unbearable for him, even if it is over-the-top and only part of his unreasonable possessiveness, but he can overcome that now. He has to overcome that now.
The Doctor looks between us, a little baffled, and waits for Jesse to take the initiative and join me at the bed. What will I do if he walks out? I don’t think I could bear it, but then he inhales what seems to be a long, controlled gathering of strength and comes to sit next to me. My hand is picked up and encased in both of his before he brings the bundle to his chest and drops his head to it. He can’t watch.
I’m flanked on both sides, one man pushing my gown up and feeling around on my stomach, the other breathing deeply and squeezing my hand. I just rest my head back and stare up at the ceiling, wishing this could be over so Jesse can take me home and we can start painfully processing what has happened. Who was in the DBS? This is sheading a whole new light on my blacking out episode in the bar. Surely Mikael isn’t so wrapped up in revenge that he would go to these lengths.
‘This will be a little chilly.’ The Doctor says as his squirts some gel on my abdomen. He starts rolling the device around while he watches the screen, and the small room is instantly filled with a wishy-washy distortion of crackling and whirring. He hums and makes odd noises as he flicks switches with his spare hand and pushes the grey contraption firmly into my stomach. It doesn’t hurt. Nothing hurts because I’m still totally numb. And then he stops moving his hand and stops flicking buttons on the huge machine. I sneak a peek at the Doctor, finding him looking intently at the screen. He eventually looks at me. ‘Everything is okay, Ava.’
‘I’m sorry?’ I whisper. My dying heart has suddenly roused and is climbing up to my throat, set on choking me with shock.
‘Everything is okay. Light bleeding in early pregnancy can be perfectly normal, but given the circumstances, it’s wise for us to be cautious.’
I can feel Jesse’s hands tightening around mine, slowly constricting until I hiss a little with pain. He eases off immediately and slowly raises his head until his eyes find mine. They are wide green pools of shock and his cheeks are drenched. I shake my head mildly, like out of all the horror today had brought; it’s this bit that I must be dreaming about. We’re both just staring at each other, neither one of us knowing how to handle this news. He goes to speak, but nothing comes out. I go to say something, too, but no words materialise.
He stands up, sits back down again, and then re-stands, letting go of my hand. ‘Ava’s still pregnant? She’s… she’s… there’s… we’re…’
The doctor laughs a little ‘Yes, Ava is still pregnant, Mr Ward. Sit down, I’ll show you.’
Jesse turns stunned eyes to me briefly before directing them at the monitor of the machine. ‘I’ll stand, if you don’t mind. I need to feel my legs.’ He leans over the bed slightly, his eyes squinting. ‘I don’t see anything.’
It’s hard, but I pull my eyes away from my dazed husband and take a look myself, but all I can see is a black and white jumble of fuzz. The Doctor points at the screen. ‘There, look. Two perfect heartbeats.’
I frown to myself. Two heartbeats?
Jesse recoils and almost scowls at the doctor. ‘My baby has two hearts?’
The doctor laughs and turns amused eyes onto us. ‘No, Mr Ward. Each of your babies has one heart, and both are beating just fine.’
His mouth falls open and he starts walking backwards until the backs of his legs hit a chair and he collapses, his arse colliding loudly with the seat. ‘I’m sorry, say that again.’ he murmurs.
The Doctor chuckles. He finds this funny? I don’t. I’ve gone from having one baby, to having no baby, to having two babies? At least, that’s what I think he’s saying. The white coated man turns his body fully towards Jesse. ‘Mr Ward. Let me put this into plain English, if it will help.’
‘Please,’ Jesse whispers.
‘Your wife is expecting twins.’
‘Oh fuck,’ he gulps. He looks at me, but if he’s expecting any words, a facial expression, or anything, then he’s looking in vain. I’m still numb and truly shocked. Twins?
‘About six weeks, I would say.’
Yes, I’m stunned, but I know damn well that that’s impossible. I had a period five-ish weeks ago. I can’t be any more than four weeks. ‘I’m sorry, that can’t be right. I’ve had a period within that time and was on the pill previous to that.’ He doesn’t need to know that I missed a few here and there. It’s irrelevant now.
‘You had a period?’ he asks.
‘Yes!’
‘That’s not unusual.’ he flips casually. ‘Let me do some measurements.’
It’s not? I glance across at Jesse warily, seeing nothing but a lean physique frozen in place. He looks like he’s been fossilised. Is he so excited now? I don’t know, but he had better get used to it. This is revenge at its best. He didn’t bargain on this, and if I wasn’t so shell-shocked, then I think I’d be smug. I think I would laugh in his stunned, handsome face and tell him that he asked for this. He’s going to be a daddy, all right. My challenging, neurotic ex-playboy has a challenge on his hands, and it’s called a hormone frenzied wife and two screaming babies. I actually smile to myself as I lie back on the pillow and drift off to a fantasy land of chaos, a place where Jesse is pulling his hair out while I look on, smiling as our two toddlers run around his ankles, vying for his attention—a fantasy land that’s going to be all too real very soon. My Lord is going to have some stiff competition in the demanding department because one thing I wholeheartedly wish for most is that both of these babies have every irritating trait that he does. I hope they take after their father, and I hope they challenge him every day for the rest of his life. I look at his motionless frame and smile on the inside. I also hope they are just like him because he’s beautiful and bursting at the seams with pure intense love. Love for me, and love for our babies. I’ve just landed softly on Central Jesse Cloud Nine.
* * *
After being told to take it easy for a day or two and being checked for whiplash, the doctor printed off a picture and sent us on our way. We strolled out of the hospital hand in hand, with Jesse holding the little black and white scan picture gently at the corner. I guided him the whole way because he was too rapt by the photo to look where he was going. John picked us up and dropped us at Lusso, and laughed the hardest I’d ever seen when I told him the news that we’d just received. I told him because Jesse still wasn’t talking, not even to ask John if he caught the DBS. So I did. He lost the mother fucking thing.
We passed Casey, who looked a little shocked that he wasn’t growled at, and I directed Jesse into the elevator and just about coaxed the new code from him. He didn’t tell me it. He just absentmindedly punched in the four digits.
3,2,1,0
I fall apart on the inside, but maintain all seriousness on the outside.
We’re now in the kitchen, Jesse slumped on the stool, still staring at the picture, and me sipping a glass of water, waiting for him to spring back to life. I’ll give him half an hour, then I’ll chuck some cold water over him.
I go upstairs, call Kate, and listen to her gasp in shock—first at the news of my dramatic car chase, then at the news of twins. I take a shower and dry my hair, then throw on my Thai fisherman pants, smiling when I realise that these will grow with my belly.
When I get back downstairs, Jesse is still sitting motionless at the island, staring at the scan picture.
Feeling a little frustrated, I sit next to him and pull his face to mine. ‘Are you going to speak anytime soon?’
His eyes roam all over my face for so long, until they eventually land on mine. ‘I can’t fucking breathe, Ava.’
‘I’m shocked, too.’ I admit, although clearly not as shocked as him.
His lip slowly slips through his teeth which seem to clamp down severely, his cogs firing into action in his head. It makes me immediately wary.
‘I was a twin.’ he says quietly.
Chapter 20
I shrink back on my stool and drop his chin, and for the millionth time in one day, I can’t form any words. Nothing. Absolutely zero inspiration is coming to me. I’m more shocked now than at any other point during this long day.
He smiles mildly. ‘My spirited girl is speechless.’
I am. Well and truly floored, in fact. You would think I’d be used to shock and surprise from this man, but no, he gets me every bloody time.
Reaching up, he strokes my cheek gently and slides his hand onto my neck, circling his thumb on my throat softly. ‘Have a bath with me.’ he says quietly, rising from the stool and pulling me up. ‘I need to be with you.’
I’m lifted up to his body, my arms sliding around his shoulders and my legs finding their favourite place as he walks us upstairs. It takes no thought or any mental encouragement for my lips to find his neck and kiss him. Just kiss him and smell him and feel him, all of his minty freshness and all of his hard edges comforting me deeply. I’m not going to press him for information. He could’ve easily used our recent news as the reason for his shock and I would have believed him, but he didn’t. He’s shared something, a part of himself. He’s confessed that he was a twin, not that he is a twin. And now his wife is pregnant with twins, and it has clearly unearthed something from deep within him.
He places me on the vanity unit in the bathroom and sets about his usual bath time routine of testing the temperature, pouring in the bath soak and swishing to instigate some bubbles. He collects the towels, arranges the toiletries by the side of the tub, and then returns to me once he’s done and the bath is full. He reaches to pull my vest up, resting his lips on mine as he does, and we fall straight into a slow massaging of each other’s tongues as he works my clothing, only pulling away briefly to get my vest past my face before we find ourselves again and continue with our sweet, lingering kiss. It’s a special kiss. A really special one, and I delay pulling off his t-shirt, just so I don’t have to leave his lips. This kiss is not leading to an intense love making session. This kiss is leading to him sharing something painful. Right now, when he’s pouring his love into me through our kiss, is his way of finding the strength to tell me his story. It’s his way of ensuring that I’m real before he off loads a past of pain.
My hands find their way under his t-shirt and to the hard, rippling waves of his stomach. ‘Take it off.’ he says between our mouths. ‘Please, take away everything between us.’
His request makes me falter slightly, but when his lips press a little harder, I find my flow again. That wasn’t just a plea to remove his clothes. I work fast. The urgency to get his bare skin on mine is very quickly my top priority, so I drop his mouth and pull his t-shirt up, then start on his jeans, pushing them down his legs so he can kick them off. I’m pulled down from the unit, my Thai pants are removed and my lace knickers are drawn down my thighs. I don’t miss the quick check for blood. There is none. Our babies are okay. I’m lifted to him, my hands sliding straight into his hair and my lips falling straight to his mouth as he steps into the bath with me wrapped around him and lowers to his knees.
‘Is the water okay?’ he mumbles as I settle on his thighs.
‘Fine,’ I press my body into his, my breasts flattening against the vast hardness of his chest, my elbows resting on his shoulders while my hands roam all over his head and my lips work relentlessly but softly.
‘Always fine,’ he whispers.
‘Always perfect if I have you,’
‘You have me,’ His fingers thread through my hair and grip before he pulls me back. I’m breathing all over his face. ‘You do know that, don’t you?’
‘You married me, of course I know.’
He shakes his head and grabs my hand, pulling off my wedding ring and holding it up. ‘Do you think this signifies my love for you?’
‘Yes,’ I admit quietly.
He smiles a little, as if I just don’t get it. I don’t. ‘Then we should get these diamonds removed and have it re-encrusted with my heart.’ He slowly slides it back onto my finger.
I dissolve in his lap and reach forward, resting my palm on his chest. ‘I like your heart exactly where it is.’ Leaning down, I place my lips on his skin. ‘I like how it swells when you look at me.’
‘Just for you, baby.’ He pushes our mouths together and spends a few moments reinforcing exactly that. ‘Let me bathe you.’ he mumbles, working his lips down to my throat. ‘Turn around for me.’
I begrudgingly let him shift me from his lap so he can come off his knees and sit back before he arranges me between his thighs and starts with his bathing routine. I sigh contentedly but say nothing. And I don’t plan on instigating tub-talk, either. Not this time. This is for him to lead. Of course, my curious mind has gone into overdrive, but I will not be the first one to break the comfortable silence. Besides, I’m lapping up the affection on Central Jesse Cloud Nine, and I’m revelling in it. My Lord’s past holds no significance to our future. He has said that before and now, more than ever, I know just what he meant.
‘Are you fine?’ he asks, working the sponge around the base of my neck.
I smile down into the water. ‘I’m okay.’
I watch the water ripple, the little waves lapping around me as he moves in closer and rests his mouth at my ear. ‘I’m a little worried about my defiant little temptress.’ he whispers.
I don’t want to come over all hot and tingly, but it’s something I’ll never prevent when he’s near, let alone breathing in my ear. I push my cheek into him. ‘Why?’
‘Because she’s too quiet when there’s information to be had.’ He kisses my temple and lays back, taking me with him.
‘If you want to tell me, then you will.’
His chest jolts a little beneath me on a silent laugh. ‘I’m not sure I like what pregnancy is doing to my girl.’ His hands come over and rest on my stomach. ‘First of all, she’s developed a phobia of my cock in her mouth.’ He lifts his hips into my lower back, as if demonstrating what I’m missing. I know exactly what I’m missing, and I’m not liking it. ‘And secondly, she’s not blessing me with her forceful demands for intelligence.’
I shrug nonchalantly. ‘My Lord isn’t blessing me with his wide range of expert fucking’s, so we’re even, aren’t we?’
He laughs, and I’m a little annoyed that I’m not facing him because if I was, I know I’d see the sparkle in his eyes and the light fans at the corners. ‘But she’s still blessing me with her filthy mouth.’ He gives me a little tweak above my hipbone, and I perform a little jerk and a yelp before he lets me settle again. The silence settles, too. I know his mind’s cogs are racing because I can hear them. It’s almost like he wants me to force him into spilling, but I’m not going to. We’re in a silent stand-off.
He eventually sighs and starts circling tiny rings with his fingertips on each side of my bellybutton. ‘His name was Jake.’ He doesn’t say any more than that. He just gives me his twin’s name and says no more, and I just lie quietly on him, waiting for him to elaborate. He needs to do this in his own time and without any encouragement from me. I know that he wants me to lead on from here, but I need him to confess everything willingly. ‘You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?’ he asks. He knows, so I remain silent. And then he sighs again, my body rising and falling with him. ‘He idolised me. He wanted to be me. I’ll never understand it.’ He sounds angry, and I’m suddenly moving, being turned around to face him. I’m now on my stomach, spread all over him and looking up into green grief. ‘I can’t do this on my own, baby. Help me.’
My instincts kick in and I push myself up his body, settling higher so I can get my face in the crook of his neck. ‘Were you not alike?’ I ask. Twins must surely be alike.
‘We were the furthest away from alike you could get. In looks and personality.’
‘He wasn’t a God?’ I ask quietly, thinking maybe I ‘ve just suggested that his twin brother was ugly. I didn’t mean it like that, but it would be the furthest away from Jesse.
His hands caress my back gently. ‘He was a genius.’
‘How is that far away from you?’ I ask.
‘Jake had his brain to get him by, I had my looks and I used them, as you well know. Jake didn’t use his brain. If he did, he wouldn’t be dead.’
Oh? I take back all previous thoughts because now questions are popping into my mind left, right and centre, and I can’t hold them back. ‘How did he die?’
‘He got hit by a car.’
‘How would that be not using his brain?’
‘Because he was pissed when he staggered into the road.’
Realisation in dawning, and it is dawning very fast. I stepped into the road on Friday. I was also drunk. ‘Carmichael isn’t the only reason you don’t talk to your parents, is he?’ I ask.
‘No, the fact I’m responsible for my brother’s death is a major contributing factor.’ He says it with no emotion at all, almost sarcastically. The resentment is gushing from him. ‘Carmichael and The Manor came after and kind of put the nail in the coffin.’
‘Jake was their favourite?’ I hate saying that. It makes me angry to think it, but I’m slowly working this out. I don’t know Jesse’s family, and I have no desire to after he told me that they’re ashamed of him and the lifestyle he led. But all of this is telling me that the rift isn’t just a result of The Manor.
‘Jake was everything they wanted from a son. I wasn’t. I tried to be. I studied, but it didn’t come as naturally to me as it did to Jake.’
‘But he wanted to be like you?’
‘He wanted the small piece of freedom I gained through being considered the one with the least potential. All of their attention was focused on Jake, the genius—the one they could be proud of. Jake would go to Oxford. Jake would make his first million before he was twenty one. Jake would marry a well-bred English girl and breed well-spoken, polite, clever children.’ He pauses. ‘Except Jake didn’t want any of that. He wanted to choose the direction of his own life and the tragic thing is, he would’ve chosen well on his own.’
‘So what happened?’ I’m so intrigued. He’s really in his flow now.
