Текст книги "Throttled"

Автор книги: Elizabeth Lee

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Want to know what it’s like to have your thoughts hijacked by a guy you swore you’d never think about again? It’s ridiculously fucking frustrating.

Reid had managed to not only infiltrate my thoughts, dreams, and my office, but he’d went and shown up at my parents’ house. He had to stop his relentless pursuit and I had to tell him.

When I pulled onto the lane and drove back to the cabin I knew he and his brother were sharing during their visit, I felt the anxiety bubbling inside of me. Could I really look him in the eye and lay it all on the line without letting him get to me with his sweet words and arrogantly, sexy ways?

I thought back and tried to remember exactly how it felt to hear him say that he wanted to break up with me. I remembered the disengaged look in his eyes and how easy it seemed to be for him to end what we had. I’d been with him for three years and he threw it all away like it hadn’t even mattered. Of course I could tell him.

I stood on the front porch for a good two minutes before I knocked. I took a deep breath as I waited for him to answer and tried to settle my nerves. The door opened, but it wasn’t Reid standing on the other side.

“Nora Elaine Bennett,” Brett said when he pulled open the door. “I was wondering how long it would take before you stopped by here.”

“Is Reid—” I paused, trying to ignore the ridiculous way he was leaning up against the frame of the door—one arm over his head, the other flexing in front of him. “How did you know my whole name?”

“I’ve been doing my research,” he said with laugh. “I know all about the Bennett sisters.” He winked. “How’s Georgia Yvonne this fine evening?”

“That’s creepy,” I said, earning a chuckle from him. Despite his stalking, I could tell he was harmless, and kind of cute which made him much less intimidating. “I guess I’ll have to Google you and find out your deep dark secrets.”

“There’s plenty,” he assured me with a boyish grin. “You here to see RT or did you finally come to your senses about the real stud shacked up in this place.”

“You are shacking up in an Airstream, Sally,” I heard Hoyt’s voice call out from inside. Brett swung the door open and I took it upon myself to walk in. “And it’s going to take a lot more than internet stalking to win over a Bennett sister.”

“Truth.” I side-eyed Brett, before turning my attention to Hoyt. “Is your brother home?”

“He’s in the shower.” he said, standing from the barstool he was sitting on in the kitchen. The cabin was small, but had enough rustic charm to overshadow its size—wooden beams and floors, and a stone fireplace. The small kitchen Hoyt was sitting in, had an island and full sized appliances. I’d stayed the night with Reid in this very cabin many times. I knew that there was a bathroom and two bedrooms up the flight of stairs to my right, which meant a very naked and wet Reid Travers was within walking distance. I swallowed hoping to wet the desert that was my mouth. “Can I get you a drink?”

“I’m good,” I answered too sharply. I’d readied myself to talk to Reid and now I had to wait for—and fantasize about—him. I knew if I stood there too long I might chicken out. “Sorry,” I apologized to Hoyt. He wasn’t the one I was frustrated with. “You know what, I’ll take a beer if you have one?”

“If we have one.” Brett laughed from the living room sofa. The cabin had an open floor plan, so it was easy for him to butt into our conversation. “That’s cute. Reid said you were funny.”

“Ignore him.” Hoyt smiled, walking over to the fridge to grab me a bottle. He opened it and tossed the cap toward Brett who was obviously planning the next sarcastic thing to come out his mouth.

“Thanks.” I took the beer from his hand and took a drink.

“So you here to give RT another chance or break his heart for good?”

Ironic, I thought, knowing exactly how it felt to have your heart broken.

“None of your business, Brett,” Hoyt said.

“Don’t act like you aren’t sick of listening to him piss and moan about how he screwed things up with this one,” Brett replied. “I just want to know if she is going to give the guy a shot so he’ll quit moping around, okay?”

Hoyt shook his head, while I tried not to think about the fact that Reid had been moping around. Over me. What if he really was sorry? What if he meant every word he’d said and I just wrote him off and regretted it for the rest of my life? Well, shit. Now I was even more confused.

“I... I don’t...” I tried to think of something witty. Something that wouldn’t make me look like a complete basket case.

“Leave her alone,” Reid said, coming down the stairs. In just a pair of gray sweatpants and still toweling off the water from his hair and body. He was the personified wet dream. The ink that I’d seen on his arms apparently continued to his back and down one side. Something was scrawled down his right rib cage, but I couldn’t make it out from where I was standing. I felt myself trying, squinting even, to read the words Reid wanted permanently on his body. In hopes of avoiding being caught, I let my eyes nervously dart around the room. “Why are you even in here?” he shot a scowl at Brett.

“It’s lonely out there in the Airstream,” he said, giving Reid a fake pout.

“You’re an idiot,” Reid replied. I tried not to laugh at his astute observation, but a soft noise escaped my lips. Reid turned to me and smiled. I ignored the fluttering in my stomach.

“Are we playing or not?” Hoyt said, obviously trying to distract Brett from interjecting himself into the conversation any more than he had. The two of them turned their attention to the television where a video game suddenly un-paused. Dirt bikes roared across the screen as Brett yelled at Hoyt for not waiting for him to grab his controller. These guys were literally all dirt bikes all the time. It was a fact that I was acutely aware of. Motocross guys would always choose bikes over everything else.

“What’s up, Shutterbug?” he asked quietly as he approached me. The lettering on his side became legible the closer he came and I could see a list of women’s names: Caroline, Layla, Roxanne, etc...I stopped at Valerie, unable to read anymore. Apparently just what I needed to see… his list of past conquests to remind me that even if a part of me wanted to forgive him and give our relationship another chance, seven years had passed. Seven years of him sleeping with God knows who. Seven years of him not contacting me. Seven years during which I’d built a new life for myself.

“Can we talk?”

“Of course,” he answered. He walked over to a duffel bag sitting on the small kitchen table by the front door and pulled out a black t-shirt. “Outside?” he asked as he pulled it over his head, the word THROTTLED scribbled across the front. His shirt seemed to understand what I was feeling.

I nodded. After he slipped on his tennis shoes, I followed him out on to the front porch.  As soon as the door was closed behind us, he turned and placed his hands on my hips.

“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” he informed me. I’d figured as much, and even though the same were true for me, I wasn’t here to kiss and make up.

“You can’t keep doing this,” I said, pushing his hands away. “It’s not fair. I’m with Beau.”

“Why do you have to keep bringing up his name?” He growled and reached out for me again.

“Whether you like it or not, he is my boyfriend, Reid,” I said as I took a solitary step away from him.

“Doesn’t have to be,” he replied. “You know what we have is more than whatever it is that is keeping you with him.” He grinned. “Don’t you want to see if it still burns as hot as it once did?” He reached out and twirled a piece of my hair around his fingers. “Remember how good I used to make you feel?” The playful tug on my hair as he closed the distance between us once again lit the fire in the pit of my stomach. His words and actions kept reminding me exactly how good he used to make me feel, but I couldn’t base my future on lust.

“That was years ago,” I said, shrugging off his advance. He released my hair. “We were kids. I got off rubbing up against your leg. You’re mistaking teenage hormones for passion. Things are different now.”

“Is that a challenge?” he smirked. “Hormones or not, I can guarantee you that no one has ever made you feel the way I do. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Reid,” I said, unable to tell him that he was. Which infuriated me even more. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

“Fine,” he huffed. “I’ll back off, but only because I know that I’m right.” He took seat on an old glider, red paint chipped and the metal rusted from the weather and neglect. His eyes motioned for me to sit next to him, but I decided leaning against the rail that ran the length of the porch was a better idea. Distance was my friend.

“That can’t be a good sign,” he said, resting his elbows on his knees. “I might need a drink for this.” I handed him the bottle from my hand, he finished it off and sat it on the ground. “Okay... lay it on me. Tell me you love Beau and that I can go to hell,” he said as he leaned back and stretched his arms across the back of the glider.

“It’s not like that,” I started to explain.

“So you don’t love him.” He grinned. “I knew it.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Would you please just let me talk? It took a lot for me to come out here tonight and I’m really trying to not throw up right now.”

“Throw up?” he asked. “Jesus, Nore,” he said, standing and placing his hands on my shoulders and rubbing them up and down the length of my arm. “I’m not trying to make you physically sick. I’m sorry if I’m pressuring you too much, I just... fuck,” he breathed. “All I wanted was for you to see that I still care about you.”

“It’s okay,” I said, the warmth of his hands seeming to soothe me. It was time to rip off the band aid and really talk. “I came out here tonight because I need you to know exactly what happened seven years ago.”

“Okay, I’m listening,” he promised. He led me over to the glider and took a seat, pulling me by the hand until I joined him.

“All those years ago,” I started. “When you left, it hurt.”

“I know,” he sympathized. “I told you how sorry I am.”

“You did, but I don’t think you fully understand exactly how bad it was, Reid.” I turned in my seat to face him.

It was time. Time to tell him the truth, and maybe more importantly, time to admit the truth to myself. There was a reason I’d held onto my anger all this time.

Anger was safe. Heartbreak was not. Heartbreak was deadly.

The last of the sunlight was gone and his face was lit only by the dim porch light above us. I could still see the worry on his face as I continued.

“I was in love with you. The strongest, deepest, most intense love I’d ever known. I thought it was the real thing… thought what we had meant we’d chase our dreams together.” I felt the threat of tears and knew it was pointless to even try and hold them back. “The night you ended it… I’d had something to tell you, too, something I never got to say to you until now.” I pulled in the most air that I possibly could before continuing.

“Nore… fuck, I am so—”

“I was pregnant, Reid. I was pregnant with our child and when you left I fell apart. I cried every day. For weeks. Months, if I’m being completely honest. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t care about school. I barely managed to pass my junior year.”  I felt a shiver run across my skin as I thought about how upset I’d been by him leaving. “I had my friends worried sick. My parents were beside themselves. I was a mess for a long time. While you were out living it up, I had a miscarriage… you broke me.”

Seeing her standing in my living room when I got out of the shower had seemed like a good thing, but as I sat there watching her fall apart in front of me, I knew that coming down stairs to just Hoyt and Brett would have been so much easier.

“I was pregnant… miscarriage… you broke me.”

And now I was completely fucking gutted. She’d been pregnant with my child, had probably been terrified to tell me… and had been met with a cold, heartless breakup instead.

Her words ripped my heart from my chest and crushed it with a fist drenched in blame. Maybe what I’d done had caused her to lose the baby and maybe it hadn’t, but I’d heard the conviction in her words either way. I’d broken her. Me. The tears that were falling down her face were all my fault and I felt helpless.

“I didn’t know,” it was all I could think to say. I had figured her feelings were hurt, but I had no idea that it was anything like she was describing. I’d sent her into a deep depression. So much for thinking she was better off without me. “Nora, I get why you didn’t tell me. But fuck… we made a baby together? I didn’t know.” I just kept repeating it—I couldn’t believe that she was pregnant and I never got to touch her stomach, to dream about the what could have beens together. I know she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to feel like I only stayed around for the baby but dammit, I wish she would have.

“Of course you didn’t. You never looked back.” She pulled her arms across her chest and I watched the chill of the air pucker her skin. “You just went on and lived your life like I never existed.”

“That is not true,” I tried to explain. I stood quickly from the glider and walked over to the front door. “How could I pretend like you never existed?” I asked, reaching inside the front door to grab a jacket for her. My zip-up sweatshirt I wrapped around her shoulders when I returned was the least I could do. “I thought about you all the time.”

She tugged the jacket around her and shook her head.

“I did,” I promised, wrapping my arms around her. She let her head rest against my chest and I wanted to hold her until she felt better. Until I felt better. Learning what she had went through and trying to take it all in would have meant holding on to her until the end. It was too much to process. “I might not have contacted you, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I thought I was doing the right thing. I… fuck, Nora, if I would have known, I would have reached out to you. I really did think it would be easier if I just let you live your life. “

“My life was you,” she said, her voice cracking. She turned out of my hug and I felt empty. I might have wanted to hold her, but she clearly wasn’t ready. “You were it. Everything that you went and did, we’d talked about doing together. Don’t you remember?” She scooted away. I fought the urge to take her in my arms again. If she needed to get all of this off her chest then I’d let her. I think I needed to hear it just as much as she needed to say it. “I was the one that went to every race with you. Cleaned up every cut. Supported you. Dreamed about the pros. It was always supposed to be me by your side.”

“I know... I just—”

“You didn’t want your high school girlfriend tagging along and ruining your fun?”

“You know that’s not true.” I felt the heaviness in my chest increasing with every word that was said.

“Can’t reap the benefits of being a big deal with a girl back home. Definitely couldn’t if I was knocked up. Makes it hard to party all the time and sleep with whoever you want, huh?”

“It was never about that,” I said, frustrated that she would even think such a thing.

“I saw the tattoos. The list is actually shorter than I imagined,” she said. “You only put the tens on your skin, or what?” When I didn’t answer out of uncertainty as to what exactly she was referring, she continued. “The names, Reid. I’m not stupid.”

“Oh. That?” I could have argued that she was jumping to conclusions at the very moment, which she was. There was a perfectly good explanation for the list of names on my body, but it was time to be honest about what we were feeling and not argue over something so far from the point at hand.

“I don’t need to hear any excuses from you. I really didn’t come out here for an explanation of anything. I came out here to let you know why I can’t just pretend that you didn’t hurt me. I had to be medicated just to make it through the day.” She stood and pushed her arms through the arms of the sweatshirt. I followed suit and was standing in front of her before she could take a step. I took hold of her hands, surprised when she let me. “I felt weak and alone,” she stuttered. “I won’t be that girl. I won’t put myself in the position to get hurt again.”

“I was scared, all right?” I blurted out. “I was scared that I was going to fail and that you were going to be there to see it all. Is that what you want to hear?” I felt the frustrations of this entire situation burning through me as my words exited more harshly that I’d meant for them to. “I... I’m sorry. I just...” I calmed my nerves the best I could. “The responsibility of my parents giving up everything for me. The pressure from the sponsors. It was all too much and I panicked. I broke up with you because I was a prideful idiot who didn’t want the one person I loved most in the world to watch me fall on my ass.” I took her hands in mine as my words sunk in with her. “I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you, Nora. I left because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?” she finally said. “I would have supported you know matter what, you know that?”

“From here? Would it have been fair of me to ask you to put your life on hold while I was a thousand miles away?”

“It would have been nice to have been given the option.”

“You’re right,” I answered. Her hands were still in mine and I felt like we were making progress down whatever road this was. “I should have talked to you, but we are talking now, doesn’t that count for something?” This conversation—this mix of argument and heart-to-heart was exactly what we needed. It was painful, but at the same time seemed to be resuscitating what had been lost between us.

“It does, but I don’t know if I can...” She tried to calm herself with a deep breath. “Things are so complicated. It’s not like I can just change everything in my life because we might still have feelings for each other. Our past isn’t going anywhere, Reid, and it still hurts. Seeing you hurts.”

“Not might,” I replied. “I absolutely, one-hundred percent, still have feelings for you. And, they are just as strong as the day I left.” I pulled her hands up to my chest and took a step toward her. “I never stopped loving you, Nora. I can promise you that.”

“I... I...” she mumbled through her words. I wanted to be with her. To kiss away her pain. To let her know that what I was saying was true. “I need some time to think about this.”

“I can do time,” I answered. “I can give you all the time you need, but I need you to know that there is no way that I’m making the same mistake twice. I’m not leaving you again.”  Her eyes went wide when I leaned in, her lips parting slightly like she was anticipating my lips on hers. When I pressed them to her forehead instead, I heard her sigh a breath of relief. I let my lips linger as long as I thought I could without pushing her.

“Thank you for hearing me out,” she said. I released her hands as she started to walk away.

“Hey,” I said as she walked down the steps. She turned to look at me, the moonlight bouncing off her hair and the tears on her face. “You know I’m going to fight for you?”

“Yeah, I know.” The slightest of smiles tugged at her lips even though tears still glistened in her eyes. But there was a certain measure of relief in those beautiful eyes too. Perhaps, it was a good thing that she’d shown up tonight after all.

* * *

She needed time, I’d give her time. I let her go that night, despite wanting to ask her to stay.  Even if staying meant just holding her in my arms all night and apologizing repeatedly for what she went through when I left.

The guilt of knowing what had happened to her, to our baby, was enough to drive me straight up the stairs and to my room that night. How could I have been so selfish? I couldn’t look my brother or Brett in the eyes without them knowing something was on my mind, so I just avoided them.

I had never really put much thought into being a father, but knowing that I could have been was numbing. I could have a six year old right now. Everything that I’d accomplished in life seemed meaningless in the grand scheme. I could have been a dad. I thought long and hard about what it would have been like to have had a family with Nora. It might not have been something that I’d thought about before, but I definitely wanted it now. It had suddenly become the top priority on my list. I had to make things right between us.

I had a lot of pining to do if I wanted her to see that she belonged with me. What’s the old saying? Where there’s a will, there’s a way. My phone chimed from the nightstand when I finally laid down that night after nearly pacing a hole through the wood floors in my bedroom.

Nora: Maybe we can try to be friends.

The text message from her was unexpected, considering she’d asked me to give her time just a few hours ago.

Me: I’ll take it.

I replied and went to bed that night knowing that I had the will, and she was giving me the way. If we were friends, at least she wouldn’t be avoiding me and refusing to talk. Friends talk. Friends hang out. Friends turn to lovers. I might have been getting a little bit ahead of myself, but I had a good feeling about us.