Текст книги "The Distance Between"

Автор книги: Zillah De Rigaud

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When he lifted his head again I saw that there was a dark spot on my T-shirt. David pulled out his phone

from his back pocket.

“I’m calling him right now,” he said resolutely.

“Do you want me to leave the room?” I asked. He shook his head.

“No you can stay.”

Then he started dialing and Chris picked up. He’d been expecting this call.

“I’m here with Michael,” David said and he put the phone on speaker so that I could hear what Chris

would say.

“Michael’s face looks all fucked up and he told me you did it.”

“Did he tell you why?” Chris asked.

“You tell me,” David said.

I could hear Chris breathing heavily on the other side of the line. There was no way he could talk himself

out of this.

“Your brother caught me doing something I shouldn’t have.”

“Like fucking someone?” David said dryly.

“It wasn’t like that at all,” Chris said. “I was just caught in the moment and I made out with this other

guy. It didn’t mean anything.” He paused, “You know I love you.” David sucked in air through his teeth.

“If you love me then why didn’t you just tell me? You didn’t have to punch my brother in the face.”

“I’m really sorry about that…He got me all worked up,” Chris said. “You know what kind of asshole

he can be, you told me yourself.” That last line hurt me more than the punch in the face.

“Fuck you,” David yelled into the phone “You mess up my brother’s face because he catches you

cheating and then it’s his fault because he’s an asshole. Am I to feel sympathy for you now? You’re out of

your mind! You know nothing about Michael.”

“I know enough about him to know that he’s a jerk,” Chris yelled. “And you’re pathetic David,

worshipping this asshole like you do!”

“I don’t want to see you anymore,” David yelled back.

“Well good,” Chris said. “ I’m bored with you anyway. You’re such a good boy David, all the time! It

makes me sick. Maybe that’s why your brother can’t stand you as well.”

David hung up. He was looking thoroughly shaken. “Do you want to sit down?” I asked and he nodded.

“I’ll get you some coffee,” I said and walked to the kitchen. Meanwhile my thoughts were racing. “Had

he really told Chris I was an asshole?”

When I came back into the living room he was sitting quietly on the couch.

“I really liked him,” he said. His eyes were wet. I felt my heart twitch seeing tears running down his

face.

“He said he loved me.” I sat down next to him.

“I love you,” I said. “Even though you think I’m an asshole.” He put his arms around me again and

buried his face against my neck.

“I didn’t mean that,” he said muffled. “You know you are everything to me.”

As soon as David was single again we fell back in to our old routine. He came over all the time to

watch DVD’s. Again, we were always looking for excuses for him to sleep over at my place. It’s amazing

that we’d still managed the restrained not to fuck like bunnies because that’s obviously what we both

wanted. Still, I was feeling so fucked-up that I didn’t allow myself to do more than touch his dick when

we were really drunk.

Then one night when we were watching ‘Pitch Black’ together, David loved Sci-Fi movies, and

drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. It was best to get drunk when I was around him, it was the only

way I wouldn’t constantly feel guilty about what I wanted to do with him.

We’d been sitting on the couch, his body pressed against mine and I had my arm around his waist. We

both knew where this evening was heading again, another night of repressed feelings and messing around

in my bed.

Just as the scary alien creatures where chasing Vin Diesel, he got down on his knees in front of me and

started unbuttoning my jeans out of the blue. We’d been drinking the whole evening together, but not so

much that I’d already lost my self-control completely. I put my hands over his hands to stop him.

“What are you doing?” I asked hoarsely. He looked up at me. Strands of his long hair were falling over

his face. His cheeks looked flushed. I knew exactly what he wanted to do.

“We can’t,” I said, my voice sounding strained. He bent over and kissed my hands before pulling them

away. I let him. I wanted him to do what he was about to.

“ I really want to”. His voice sounded a little slurred. He’d been pouring down those whiskey shots fast

enough to be bolder than usual. He reached down next to him and grabbed the half empty bottle from the

floor and took another deep swig from it. I took the bottle out of his hand and swallowed a mouthful too.

He continued unbuttoning my jeans and then reached to touch my dick through my boxer shorts. My dick

was rock-hard and already some pre-come had made a darker stain in my grey boxer shorts. He started

tugging on my jeans to pull them further down. I took another deep drink from the bottle. The world was

starting to spin. My groin ached to establish contact with his hand again. He pulled down my boxer shorts

in a fluent move and let his lips brush against my rock-hard dick. I sucked in air through my teeth. It felt so

good, it almost hurt. Then he took the whole throbbing, burning thing into his mouth and started sucking me

off. My brain was melting. I couldn’t think of anything else than the feel of his mouth, his tongue, and his

hands that were on my ass. I’d never gotten a blow-job without using a condom before and the silky wet

feeling of this mouth felt better than anything I’d ever experienced before. I was so deep inside of him that

it was amazing that his gag-reflex hadn’t set in yet. Within minutes I started to come and I couldn’t hold

back, no matter how hard I tried to make it last. My hands were tangled in his longish hair and I pulled it

hard enough to rip some strands out of his skull when I came. My hips bucked forward and I was almost

choking him but there was nothing I could do. I was moaning out loud and I could think of nothing else but

pleasure until David pulled my dick out of his mouth to breathe. Some of my come was dripping out of the

corner of his mouth; he brushed it away with his hand and swallowed down the rest. Then he reached for

the whiskey bottle and took a swig to get rid of the taste.

I fell back on the couch, my pants down on my ankles, heaving like crazy. He was looking up at me,

disoriented. We were both silent for a couple of minutes. It seemed liked those minutes were stretching on

forever.

“Fuck,” he finally said and he stumbled to get up. I got up too and pulled up my pants. I didn’t know

what to say and neither did he.

“Maybe it’s better if I go home tonight,” he said shaking. He walked to the other side of the room to get

his jacket.

“Do you want me to call you a cab?” I asked. I was feeling all torn up. I was starting to freak out again

and I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t want him to go at the same time.

“I’ll walk,” he said. “The fresh air will do me some good.” I nodded. He rushed to the hallway. I guess

he was freaking out more than a little too.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” I asked half-heartedly. He pondered my question for a second

but then shook his head and left.

16. Working for dad

After this evening, I decided to move back to the West coast to work for my dad a little earlier than

planned. I couldn’t face David anymore. Of course we both pretended to have been too drunk to

remember me coming deep in his throat, but both of us also knew that this was a lie. Who were we

kidding?

My dad and I talked a lot on the phone these days. I needed to think about other things besides David

and how good it felt to fuck his mouth. Sometimes my dad and I discussed cases together and I was

starting to feel that I might actually like working with him for a while. My life would be less complicated

at home, or at least that’s what I hoped.

David was upset when I told him I was leaving. In fact we had a big fight. “Why the fuck would you

move back to Fresno and work for dad?” he asked me. “You have been in fucking Paris for two years and

now you’re moving back to Fresno of all places? What’s wrong with staying in New York?”

“I’ve been talking to dad a lot and you know how much he wants me to work for the firm. It just feels

like this is the right time.”

“The right time to work for dad or the right time to get away from me again?” He said angrily. “You

always do this Michael! Just as things are good between us again...”

“You call this good?” I snorted. “There is nothing good about my life at the moment. I can’t be around

you for a while.”

“Don’t say that,” he yelled, almost crying.

“I have to go. This thing…it’s driving me insane. You’re like poison to be around… The way I’m

feeling all the time, I can’t take it anymore… We cannot keep doing this. I can’t stand to be around you

David, do you understand me?”

“I understand you,” he said while his face hardened and he walked out the door, slamming it close

behind him.

I started preparing to leave back home immediately. The bad thing about leaving New York would be

missing Glenn. He was my closest friend and I had missed him a lot when I was in Paris. We saw each

other the weekend before I left and finished half a bottle of vodka together.

“I’ll miss you so much,” I told him.

“Don’t get all to sentimental on me,” he replied. “In a while we’ll both be earning shit loads of money,

I’m sure we’ll be able to afford a plane ticket to see each other.”

So I moved back to the West coast in the hope that I could forget all my problems with David for a

while. Back home in Fresno, my dad helped me to buy an apartment near his firm so that I could get there

within ten minutes in the morning.

For good old times sake I went to a couple of places where my dad had taken me when I was young,

like the Legion of Valor museum and the Fresno Chaffee Zoo. I even took the twins to a Fresno Grizzlies

baseball game. I hated all of it and missed New York and my life there. Even after a couple of days I

already longed for my old apartment and Glenn and David most of all.

At the office, my dad was beaming with joy when he gave me the official welcome tour. I had been to

his firm often when I was younger, but everything was different now. I was one of the guys.

My grandfather had established this law firm in the fifties, now there were sixty-five lawyers working

there. Although my dad was still head of the firm he had several partners. Two of them were equity

partners and had ownership stakes in the firm, and shared in the profits of the firm. The other non-equity

partners were paid a fixed salary and they had certain limited voting rights with respect to firm

operations. In addition there were also associates, who were employees of the firm with the prospect of

becoming partner. And then there was a whole bunch of staff employees and secretaries. I would start

working in the office next to my dad, while my father dreamt that I would someday take over as head of

his firm. I hoped I wouldn’t screw things up.

When my dad showed me my office my first thought was that it was way to luxurious for a lawyer who

had just finished university and has yet to prove himself. I knew my dad wanted to spoil me a little but I

was seriously worried what the other guys would think about me. I didn’t want all the associates to resent

me from the moment I started.

My new office had a gleaming black desk and a comfortable black leather chair. We were high up and

the view from the huge window was amazing. You could see the entire city.

“It’s too much,” I told my dad. “The other guys will hate me for this view.” My dad laughed.

“They all know how happy I am that you decided to work for me.’ He put his hand on my shoulder and

looked serious. “I know it’s a big step for you to start working for your dad, but I promise you, we’ll

make a great team.”

“Okay,” I said and then my dad’s secretary came in to welcome me and to bring us a cup of coffee.

When the first Sunday back in my old city arrived Juliette called me to ask if I wanted to have dinner

back at home. It had been a long time since I’d been to one of their official Sunday dinners so I agreed.

“Christine will be there too,” Juliette said. Christine had only moved out recently and dad and Juliette

still missed her now that she wasn’t living with them anymore. She was such a bright, cheerful person; it

was hard not to miss her. She’d studied econometrics and had recently gotten her first job and bought an

apartment near our home.

When I arrived on Sunday, I felt weird being back at home without David. The twins were lounging on

the lawn when I came up to the house. There were in their early teens now and looked exactly like me at

that age. There were almost identical, only Juliette could really tell them apart, and the first moment I had

trouble seeing who was who.

Christine’s car drove up to the driveway too. When she got out of the car it struck me how beautiful she

was. I didn’t see her very often and this was the first time that she looked completely grown-up and

mature. She had on a brightly colored dress and high-heeled shoes with ribbons around her ankles. Her

hair was very long and caught the light so that it glistened all over. Her skin was looking healthy and

lightly bronzed. When she saw me, she walked up to me and hugged me hard.

“It’s so nice to see you Michael,” she said. “How was your first week back at home?”

“It was all right,” I shrugged. “It takes some time to get used to things,” I said. “Like this heat, I have to

get used to that again.”

“Let’s go inside then,” Christine laughed. Dinner was almost ready when we came in and the table was

set beautifully. Juliette clearly still liked Sunday dinners and tried to make the most of it every week. My

dad was in his office, doing some more work. Christine and I went to the kitchen to see if we could help.

It was just a normal Sunday, with a normal family. It would be like that every Sunday for almost a year.

I have to say, my dad and I turned out to be a great team that year. I learned a lot from him and also from

the other partners. They even let me prepare for a major court case that year, which we won. My dad was

very proud of me and I felt happy for a change.

The next case was a real challenge though and I doubted whether I was up to it. I was still so

inexperienced compared to my dad and this new case was so complicated. My pride prevented me from

asking any help however and I stayed in the office until late each night to get all my work done.

We won the Fresno Bee newspaper "Excellence in Business" award later that year and a newspaper

article showed a picture of dad and me in front of our office. We looked exactly alike in our matching

suits, two tall, blond and trim attorneys.

Christine cut out that picture and put it on our refrigerator at home, where it still is today.

Juliette ordered my dad to bring food for me, that she’d cooked at home, in little plastic containers. I

could heat up these little containers in the microwave so that I wouldn’t starve myself. It’s the only thing I

used my apartment for, to heat up food and then go to sleep. The apartment was meticulously clean and I

never used the kitchen for cooking myself. I didn’t even make coffee for myself most mornings, but drank

the shitty coffee out of the machine at work. On Saturdays, when I wasn’t working, I vacuum-cleaned and

ironed my clothes. I never went on a date or even met with old friends.

Sometimes when I was really lonely I would watch ‘Heroes’ in bed before I went to sleep. I knew

David loved the show as well and we’d watched it together a couple of times; both pretending that Nathan

and Peter Petrelli wanted each other just as badly as David and I did. I tried to remember what it felt like

holding him when we watched TV together and then I would jerk-off before I could sleep.

Every Sunday I had dinner at home with my family. Christine would always be there too. We made a

big thing out of these family dinners, cooking together and setting the table with flowers. I felt relaxed and

at home during those Sundays.

Only when David was home occasionally, I was stressed again. Having him around for a week or so

reminded me of how much I missed him. I longed for him during those months that we didn’t see each

other, but when he was home I was my usual rude self again. Being unkind to him has always been my

easiest defense mechanism. He, in turn, was still pissed at me for leaving New York and not answering

his calls since I got back home. It was easy for us to fight.

David passed the bar exam as well that year and the whole family flew to New York to celebrate with

him. I think that for a moment my dad was proud of him too. During the summer David was home. I

expected him to start work on a PhD very soon, he had been offered a position at Columbia and it would

be foolish of him not to take it. On the first Sunday back at home I saw David and my dad walk into dad’s

office. Dad closed the door behind them. When they came out again for dinner an hour later my dad was

frowning. He didn’t say much over dinner and the atmosphere at the table seemed tense. I didn’t think

Juliette and Christine noticed, they were happily chatting away about a dress that Christine had seen in a

window somewhere. The twins were talking about battle strategies in some gruesome video game that

they were playing online. I knew that David was aware of the bad vibe at the table too because he

avoided looking at my dad and stared at his plate.

After dinner, when David was in Christine’s room talking about her new boyfriend, my dad called my

outside to talk. He looked over his shoulder to check if Juliette or the twins weren’t around.

“David has expressed his wish to come and work for the firm as well,” he said worried.

“What?!” I said, “He has to be joking!” My dad raised an eyebrow and sighed.

“That’s what I was thinking too, but he’s quite serious.”

“He can’t,” I said.

“I know you don’t like him a lot,” my dad said. I looked up at him, startled.

“You don’t have to pretend like I don’t know,” my dad said. “I know you try, but he’s just very different

from you.” He paused. “I feel the same reservations about him working for the firm. This is a very

difficult situation.” He sighed again. “It’s not something that we can resolve easily without offending

him.” He bit his lower lip. “He’s graduated among the top students of his year. There’s no reason not to

hire him.” I could see he had a single hive from the stress in his neck. “Juliette is going to be very upset if

I don’t hire him when he’s asked me so explicitly. She agreed to marry me under the condition that we

would treat each other’s children like our own. I adopted David because I knew it would make her happy.

You know that it makes her very sad that you and him don’t get along so well…If I would make it so very

clear that I prefer you over David, that could ruin our marriage.”

“I’ll talk him out of it,” I blurted out. “I was hoping you would say that,” my dad said relieved.

Late in the evening when everybody had gone to bed, I knocked on David’s door. I knew he would still

be awake. He never sleeps before midnight. He opened the door in his boxer shorts and the sight of his

body after all these months knocked my breath away for a second. He looked at me puzzled.

“You couldn’t sleep?” “No,” I said. I walked into his room and sat on his bed.

“I’ve got to talk to you.”

“What is it?”

“Dad told me you said you want to work for him.” He nodded and I could see that he wasn’t pleased

that dad had already told me.

“I think you’re making a mistake,” I said and I knew I sounded more harshly then I’d intended.

“Is that so?” David said cynically, “And why is that?”

“You don’t have to get so defensive,” I said and then I tried to soften my voice. “It’s just it isn’t like

you to work for a firm like dad’s firm.”

“How would you know where I’d like to work,” David said bitterly. “We haven’t really talked in

months.”

“I just thought you liked your legal aid work,” I said. “And you’ve been asked for that PhD position

too,” I tried. “Working for dad is nothing like that. We only do cases for hot shots with money.”

“We only do cases,” David spat out. “And with we you mean you and dad.”

“I meant the firm actually. But have it your way, yeah, dad and me,” I said.

“So you and dad both don’t think it’s in my best interest to work for the firm.” His voice sounded

dangerously upset.

“Dad has nothing to do with this,” I lied. “Dad told me you were among the top of your year and that it

would be crazy not to hire you. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Because you don’t want to work with me,” he said. “Because you can’t stand to be around me,” he

continued. “That’s why you left New York wasn’t it?”

“I’m just trying to protect you from making a bad choice,” I hissed through my teeth, worrying that our

raised voiced would wake everybody in the house.

“Protect me?” David snarled. “You don’t give a fuck about me.” He walked closer. “You say you care

about me and then I don’t hear from you for months. Again.” He looked me straight in the eye. “What are

you afraid of? Of your own feelings or don’t you want me around dad because he might actually think I’m

any good for a change?”

“That ridiculous,” I said.

“We’ll see,” he said. “I’m fed up being so far way from my mom and my brothers and sister. I want to

be a part of this family too.”

I sighed. There was nothing more I could say. I would clearly only make things worse if I said anymore

now.

“Okay,” I just said. “Then I’ll see you at the office in a while.”

“You will,” he said and with that I left his room.

When I told my dad about our conversation the next morning he was disappointed but tried not to let it

show.

“I’ll just have to tell David then that he’s welcome to come work at the firm as well,” he said. “His

mother won’t have it any other way.”

David went back to New York to clean up his room, pack his stuff and a month later he started working

for my dad too. We were now not only brother but also colleagues. He found an apartment not to far from

mine although we never visited each other.

At work, he got an office down the hall from mine. It was smaller but the view was equally great.

He did try his best, not just with work, but also with trying to make everybody like him. I know that he

was still hurt that I’d said I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be colleagues.

Each morning, he would bring dad, me and the other guys in the offices down the hall coffee, just the

way we liked it. During long evenings at the office he would be the one to order Chinese food for me and

the other guys who had no social life as well. Although my dad and me didn’t like to admit it, David was

an excellent lawyer who worked hard. At that point David was still obeying my dad’s order like a little

puppy-dog so my dad and him got along quite well. The other colleagues all liked David of course and

sometimes he even went out for drinks with some of them. I vaguely recalled that they’d asked me to come

too when I just started working at the firm but of course I’d been too busy working.

David and me hadn’t been so close together in the same building for whole days since high school and

now that we were, I was torn between the same mixture of annoyance and desire.

Although David and I now saw each other every day, we still didn’t talk much during the week. But

then there were the weekends…

17. Such a perfect day

Each Sunday David, Christine and I spend at our parent’s place. There were dinners and barbeques and

Sunday-cocktails. On those days it was especially hard for me to keep my feelings in check.

When it was hot outside David and I would be in the pool just like in high school. The twins would

prefer to stay inside, glued to their PlayStation, and Christine would never get into the water as well. She

didn’t like to get her perfectly brushed hair wet, but she did enjoy sunbathing on the lawn. Sometimes we

did that too. The picture of David that I had next to my bed, the second time I was in Paris, was taken on

one of those Sundays.

That day during dinner, I’d been in a very good mood. We’d won an important case that Friday and both

dad and me were cheerful and less verbally abusive of David than normally. My dad actually gave him a

compliment about some work he’d done for a client and David radiated with joy.

David had just bought a new digital camera. It was a very small shiny Nikon and he loved it. He’d been

taking pictures all day; of Juliette in the kitchen, of my dad firing up the barbeque, the twins hanging out,

Christine lying on her sun-bed and me. Well, of me mostly.

After dinner, David took some more pictures of Christine who was lounging in her frilly red and pink

bikini with big sunglasses on. She looked like a movie star with those sunglasses. Then he took some

pictures of me as I jumped into the pool theatrically.

“Put the camera down,” I yelled to him from the water, “Just come in.” He did. He jumped in too, just

to splash me, and then dove up. His longish hair clung to his face and I moved closer to stroke it away

from his forehead. My throat was dry when I looked at some of the water drops that were sliding down

his chest. I wanted to bend over and lick those drops away. In stead, I pushed him over and dunked him in

the water like we did when I was sixteen. His strong arms grabbed me when he was underwater and

pulled me down too. For a moment we were both below the surface. His arms were around my waist. I

didn’t want to come up again because then he would let me go. But then, I couldn’t help but struggle for

air and we both resurfaced to take a deep breath. We both swam to the side of the pool and just hung there

for a moment, clutching the poolside and panting.

The sound of him breathing hard sounded so intimate, like I’d heard him catch his breath in my bed

sometimes when we were still fooling around. I wanted David so badly that moment I couldn’t resist

making a move. Christine was reading a thriller and didn’t pay us any attention. I took his wrists in my

hands and pinned him to the poolside tiles. He looked surprised but smiled.

“I surrender,” he said and when he tried to wriggle out of my grip I held him faster. Our chests were

now touching. Blood was rushing through my entire body, going south and giving me an enormous hardon.

It had been months since I’d fucked anybody for the last time. I couldn’t help but push myself against

him. We were now so close that our bellies were touching too. His skin was smooth and slippery against

mine. I focused on his eyes and tried not to think about fucking him right there in the pool. It was

impossible. He pushed himself against me so that our dicks were rubbing together. I felt really horny and I

imagined coming on his wet chest, ejaculate dripping in to the pool. He looked at me with a very serious

look in his eyes and then kissed me. His lips were soft and cold against mine.

It was a sweet little kiss that could have easily led to more but then Christine looked up from her book

and yelled “Michael you’re practically strangling David, let him go!” I let go reluctantly. When I loosened

my grip on David’s right wrist he stroked his hand past my hip and then my dick. His eyes were gleaming.

“You should swim a couple of rounds before you get out,” he said smiling. I knew he meant I shouldn’t

show my hard-on to the entire family. It was the first time he’d ever made a remark about something like

that.

“Yeah,” I said hoarsely and started to swim.

“I should probably do the same,” he said and pushed against me a final time. I could feel he wanted me

just as bad too.

After half an hour or so in the pool, without touching and focusing on court cases and my dad, I was

able to get out of the water without a boner. David got out too and wrung out his hair. His camera was by

the poolside and I picked it up. I shot that picture of him there, the one that I kept next to my bed in Paris,

where he was standing in front of the pool and looked so beautiful.

We sagged down on a big towel on the grass together. I was finally getting a bit of a tan and David was

too, although he was never as pale as I am. Our sides were touching on the towel and I could smell the

chlorine from the pool in his hair, mixed together with his own delicious scent as he was drying up. I

picked up the camera again and shot some pictures of him as he was laying there. He smiled at me.

“Let me take some of you, I look terrible.”

“No you don’t,” I said and when he reached to get the camera I pinned him right arm against the

towel and took another picture of him.

“Let’s make some together then,” he said and I lay down next to him. We both held the camera and took

a couple of goofy head-shots. The pictures showed us smiling or making faces to the camera. Then he took

me by surprise and licked my cheek just as I clicked the camera. I was so startled; I didn’t know what to

say. He’d never done anything like this before where our family could see it. But I was in such an excited

mood to be with him that, for once, I didn’t act like a jerk right away. In stead, I grabbed his chin so that

he couldn’t move his head and planted a kiss on his nose as I clicked the camera. The picture turned out to

be blurry, but you could still see David’s handsome smile well enough.

Then the twins came into the yard to hang out and I put the camera down. I didn’t want to move away

from David though. I folded my arms behind my head and tried to enjoy the sun, while David put his head

in the crook of my arm. His hair had dried up now and his long curls were itching my face. I didn’t want

to move to brush away his hair. Everything was perfect now. I wanted this moment to last forever. We

both fell asleep on the lawn. When we woke up because it was getting chilly, David’s arm was draped

over my chest and I had the worst sunburn.

18. Finding new ways to hurt each other

Not every weekend was as perfect as this one. I think that David was really getting annoyed with my

eradicate behavior. I pushed him away constantly, only to want him more each time we made up. It was

maddening and not just for me.

Maybe for David, even though we couldn’t be lovers, it would have been enough if I’d been a nice