Текст книги "The Distance Between"

Автор книги: Zillah De Rigaud

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Текущая страница: 2 (всего у книги 11 страниц)

as the months progressed our little flirtations became more and more frequent.

We’d be studying together in my room and he would be lying on my bed, his head resting on his arms,

reading some boring text about the ‘Great Depression’ in the US. It used to get incredibly hot and stuffy in

my room during the afternoon, no matter if you opened the windows or not, and David would wear these

tiny gym shorts that barely covered his ass. He also wore these goofy white socks that his mom bought

him and an old pair of sneakers and when he scratched his lower leg with his foot, I was fascinated by

one of his buttocks peeking out from under those shorts.

“Could you just stay still?” I asked him in an annoyed voice. “I’m trying to study and your constantly

making noise.”

“I’m not doing anything Michael,” he answered.

“The way you’re scratching your leg like that the whole time, it distracts me. Just stop doing it.”

“Jeez Michael, you’re such a spaz, I’m not doing anything besides reading this boring text. If you

weren’t constantly focused on what I’m doing you might get ahead with your own homework,” he laughed.

He sat up on the bed and pushed his book aside.

“I’m not constantly focused on you. You are just so annoying that it’s hard to think of anything else,” I

told him.

“Is that so?” he asked. His eyes were amused. “I think you might want to visit a shrink if you think that

someone moving his leg is enough to distract you.”

“Just shut up,” I told him and I got up from my chair to push him on his back on the narrow bed. He

grabbed my T-shirt and pulled me down with him. We wrestled for a few second until I had him pinned

underneath me. I held his wrists in an iron grip next to his head, before I looked into his eyes. They were

huge with anticipation and I seemed to melt into them. He really had the sweetest, most beautiful eyes and

my stomach was feeling gooey. My dick had a mind of his own however and within seconds my hard-on

was pressed against his leg. I felt a mixture of emotions, desire and embarrassment with a hint of fear. I

released my grip on his wrists and wanted to get up as quickly as possible but then he wrapped his arms

around my back and pulled me closer. We just held on to each other like that for a couple of seconds,

breathing in each others’ scent and melting into that hug. Then we heard David’s mom on the stairs,

bringing us a snack and we quickly let go of each other.

I thought a lot about that hug and what it meant for the following days and it really freaked my out that

David might know how I felt about him. But this wasn’t the only thing causing me distress these days.

There was another thing that burdened me and this was something that I needed to tell my dad before

graduation; I didn’t want to go to law school.

My dad had been dreaming about me becoming a lawyer too since I was born. We’d talked about law

school on numerous occasions and I’d always let him believe that I wanted to study law, when in fact I

didn’t. I had never told my dad because I was afraid on disappointing him on this point. Graduation had

always seemed far away and I had always thought I would have enough time to tell him eventually. It

turned out I didn’t.

My dad didn’t even care that I was gay, as long as I was a gay lawyer who could take over him firm

someday. And that was the whole problem. I couldn’t see myself being stuck in Fresno forever, working

together with my dad. I imagined us in matching suits and the same lunch boxes, and that thought made me

feel neurotic. I wanted to see the world, not work for my dad.

There was nobody I felt I could confide in except for David. Christine was too young and couldn’t keep

a secret. She would just blurt things out at the dinner table. My football player friends and I were rapidly

growing apart; They all felt quite comfortable with staying in Fresno forever.

When I told David I was thinking about not going to law school he was surprised at first. We were

sitting on his bed and my fingers were playing with a lock of his hair, which had grown to shoulder length.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about graduation lately,” I said. “You know that I applied for Columbia, but I

don’t feel like becoming a lawyer anymore…”

“I thought you loved going to law school,” he said and turned around to look at me.

“Well, I lied,” I replied. I wasn’t really thinking of university anyway at this moment. What was on my

mind was how great it would be to run both my hands through my brothers’ hair and how I would rub my

face in it when I fucked him from behind. I’d found some new porn online since I now had a computer in

my room and my thoughts about David were becoming quite imaginative.

“Then what do you want to do?” he asked sincerely and interrupted my thoughts.

“I like doing the school newspaper,” I said. “Maybe I could try journalism or English or anything other

than law.”

“I’m thinking of studying law myself,” he said. “I think it could be kind of cool.”

“Yeah I bet you think that,” I thought to myself. Why did he always have to do exactly what my dad

wanted? Why couldn’t he just go to some Arts academy and disappoint my dad like I was about to do?

Why did he always have to be so perfect?

I had waited for the right moment to tell my dad I didn’t want to study law but in the meantime I’d

applied to the university my dad had also been to; Columbia University in New York. Two of my teachers

were so enthusiastic about me applying to Columbia that they wrote me amazing letters of

recommendation. Admission to Columbia Law is among the most selective in the U.S. so in the back of

my mind I was kind of hoping they wouldn’t accept me.

I know that hoping I would not get in sounds ungrateful and stupid, but at the time I felt trapped. I realize

now that there are people who would give almost anything to trade places with me, being smart and rich

and getting into an Ivy League university, but I was feeling anxious and cornered. When the acceptance

letter came however, I didn’t have the heart to tell my dad that I didn’t want to go.

I decided to wait until graduation to tell my dad that I wasn’t going to university this year but wanted to

travel Europe for a couple of months instead. But then on my graduation day my dad was so excited that

he threw me an enormous party. A lot of his acquaintances and colleagues came too and I didn’t want to

embarrass him in front of everyone. He’d been talking about me becoming a lawyer for years and I

dreaded how angry he would be if I turned down Columbia for a year of traveling.

The next day David and I almost got into a fight because he thought I was being stupid for not telling my

dad.

“The moment has passed,” I said. “It’s too late to tell him now. I’ll go to law school.”

“Why don’t you just tell dad that you don’t want to go? You’re being stupid,” he said.

“You know what this means to dad. He’s told everybody he knows that I got in to Columbia Law

School, he’ll be totally embarrassed if I don’t go.”

“So what? It’s your life, you should do whatever makes you happy and not dad.” His eyes softened,

“I’ve even looked online for you and they do journalism classes at Columbia too. I’ve printed them out for

you.” He handed me some papers.

“Thanks for the papers, but it’s really for the best that I’m going,” I said.

“Who cares what dad thinks Michael, he’s not going to stay mad at you forever.”

“It’s too late to tell him now. I’ll go to law school. At least then I’ll be away from my meddling brother

for a while.”

“Just think about the journalism classes,” he sighed.

“The moment has passed,” I said again and I handed him back the papers.

“Fine if that’s what you want, then go,” he said and he started to walk away angrily. I grabbed his arm

and pulled him nearer to me. He looked startled but then he smiled and that smile was so sweet and warm

that it melted me from the inside. I hugged him hard, pressing his body against mine, and while I did, I

knew that I had to leave.

PART 2 NEW YORK

5. Alone in New York

Those last weeks at home were dreadful. Everybody seemed sad I was leaving but I could only feel

relieve that I would be gone by the end of August. There would be no more late night snuggling in front of

the TV or hugs that lasted too long between David and me. I would be safe and far away from him.

When I left home with two suitcases with my stuff everybody came to the porch to wave goodbye. I felt

awkward. I had insisted on going to the airport only with my dad, who was coming with me for a couple

of days, because I didn’t want my family to make a big scene and cry while I was boarding the plane.

While I was walking towards the taxi, David grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him. “Take care

Michael,” he said and pressed his face against my chest.

“I’ve got to go,” I said and tried to keep a straight face as I walked to the car. Everything would be

different from now on. I would not let David rule my thought and emotions like he had over the past

couple of months.

So I arrived in New York, ready to start my new life as a student. I was among the 380 guys and girls

who started in August as a first-year J.D. student at Columbia. All those fresh young faces flooded the

campus, me being one of them. Surprisingly, the first couple of months at university were really good. I

didn’t feel so stressed anymore now that I wasn’t around David and the lectures were not as boring as I

had suspected; After a taking an elective course in Perspectives on International Law I started to believe

that maybe I would like to become a lawyer after all.

Being alone in New York without my old friends, I needed to find new ways of keeping myself busy.

There was a small cinema that I stumbled into on a rainy afternoon and after I’d seen my first French

movie, Belle de jour, I was hooked. Everything sounded better in French, even cursing, and I knew I

wanted to learn the language for myself. I had enough time on my hands to take French language courses,

read French books and rent European art-house movies. I was fascinated by everything French, which is

why I ended up in France eventually.

When it came to studying law, I excelled without too much effort. Studying has always been easy for

me. Because I felt that I could do some extra activities next to my regular classes, I talked to some career

counselors at University and found out that Columbia has an alliance with the Université Panthéon-

Sorbonne in Paris. Basically it meant that I could do two years of law study at Columbia Law School

followed by two years at the University of Paris. I quickly became enthusiastic about this because by now

I loved everything French and this would give me the opportunity to actually see something of the world. I

suddenly wanted to go to Paris desperately and studied my French extra hard. I could see myself strolling

the streets near the Eiffel tower or drinking wine in a small café surrounded by hot-looking guys. So I

applied for the French Law program and in mid-March I was informed that I’d passed the initial screening

to join. Members of Columbia's Double Degree Committee and a representative of the Paris University

interviewed me in French afterwards. I passed the exam with flying colors. At the time I had no real idea

how much this would mean to me in two years.

When I told my dad that I’d passed the admission tests for the program he was impressed. My dad had

not been a brilliant student I guess, but he was very charismatic and persuasive. Sometimes when dad and

I were on the phone he would talk about his firm and how we could work together in the future. Still, I

didn’t have the heart to tell him that I rather wanted to work someplace else. I was starting to develop a

love for international law and I wondered how that would fit in when I worked for him. I never wanted to

go back to Fresno now that I was experiencing the New York kind of life.

I never asked dad about David and how he was doing. My dad would sometimes make a cruel remark

about him on the phone. When David became captain of the football team in his senior year, my dad

would say that the team hadn’t won as much as the year before when I was still captain. When David’s

grades were among the best in his year, my dad would still question if he would get into the same

university as me. Both things were bullshit; David was a better football player and studied harder than I’d

ever done. He was the kind of boy that most parents would kill for to have as a son. He was always kind

and well-behaved; he studied hard and hung out with his kid brothers. Still I knew it would never be

enough to please my dad, because David could never be me. David trying so hard made me sick

sometimes. How could he want my life so badly when I hated it sometimes? How could he want to be a

perfect son, brother, football player and lawyer?

Besides studying and learning French, I explored New York. I had been to ‘the Big Apple’ only once

when I was sixteen, on a trip with our entire family. Now the whole city lay wide open for me to

discover. And I didn’t just explore the city...

In high school I’d been stuck with only semi-attractive class-mates at best, here I saw good-looking

men everywhere...

The first guy I finally slept with looked a bit like David. He had dark hair and serious eyes and we met

at a place that served a cheap breakfast until 11 o’ clock where I went after a night of clubbing. It turned

out he’d just moved from Austin and hadn’t made a lot of friends yet. He was eager enough to take me to

his room. I don’t remember his name, just that he was a big guy with brown curly hair that needed a

haircut. He was kind of shy and although he was not a virgin, he wasn’t very experienced either. He gave

me a sloppy kiss and I wondered if this was what all the fuss was about. When his hands started kneading

my dick through my jeans, I got excited quickly enough though.

I wasn’t nervous, even though I was a virgin myself. I was still a bit intoxicated by the alcohol of the

night before and he wasn’t whom I really wanted so there was not much to fuck up. Although it was noon,

his room was dark and stuffy. When he was taking his shirt off, I dimmed the lights and glanced at him

through my eyelashes. He had a nice body and a large uncircumcised cock. I undressed too while he was

staring at me and grabbed a condom out of my back pocket and slid it over my dick. The room was almost

dark enough to make me pretend I was looking at David. The thought of David standing there in stead this

other guy got me horny enough to push him over and fuck him hard while he was bent over on the couch.

He kept pumping his own dick while I fucked him until all of a sudden his body went in to a spasm and he

came all over his couch. The feeling of his big heaving body convulsing underneath me was enough to

make me lose control as well. I felt an orgasm looming, spreading through my entire body and then hitting

me like waves on the shore. I rode those waves, pretending that it was David’s body that I was drowning

in. Afterwards, before I pulled out of him, I smelled his longish hair. It didn’t smell nearly as good as

David’s. Afterwards I went home and never saw the guy again.

6. A taste for more

That first I guy had definitely given me a taste for more and although I’m very picky when it comes to

making friends, I wasn’t when it came to guys I could fuck. It was almost too easy to find someone to get

laid with. Everywhere there were guys to pick from; men walking around Morningside park before going

to work, students having a drink at one of the coffee bars or admiring Greek art at the Metropolitan

museum. I’d fuck as many as I could; bookish students, stupid jocks and even a college football player

who played for the Columbia lions. They’d lost their game that day, not surprising, and I helped to cheer

him up again.

These guys came nowhere near to how I still felt about my brother though. I just wanted to explore their

bodies and get laid without too much fuss. I don’t think my old friends at home would have recognized me

if they saw me now. Within months I’d transformed from a virginal high school football player to a coldhearted

fuck, who had one-nights stands three times a week. I couldn’t help it, none of the guys I met

interested me longer than a couple of hours and being a jerk became a second nature quickly.

I discovered the New York nightlife too. I went out on my own most evenings, going to the East Village,

cruising around at places with alluring names like ‘the Cock’. I liked this dark, dank spot with its sleazy

chic reputation. All the lanky hipster boys would hang out here and I would have my pick from them.

There were so many shallow pretty guys that would go for a big blond guy that I didn’t even had to try

very hard to seduce them. I think my indifference made me even more attractive and I didn’t even try to be

nice.

Some nights I would just stand against the bar watching the crowd until some sulky twenty-year old

would come on to me. I was taller than most guys in this place and could peer over the heads of the

people dancing in front of me.

So I was there on a Friday evening, having a beer and looking to score when someone asked me: “Do

you want another drink?”. I looked to my left and saw a smallish guy standing next to me, desperately

trying to get my attention although he pretended not to care. I was still holding a glass that was half full

and I showed it to the guy.

“Do you want something other than a drink?” he asked playfully. I looked at him; he wasn’t really my

type but not too bad-looking either. He was wearing a black tuxedo jacket with rolled-up sleeves, a white

T-shirt and very tight dark jeans. He reminded me of a pixy, with large eyes and a mouth that was slightly

too big for his face. I sipped from my beer and wondered what it would be like if he gave me a blow-job

with that mouth.

“Let’s go to your place then,” I said and walked after him as he led the way through the crowd.

We took a taxi to his home. While he undressed in his place he kept chatting about this band I’d never

heard about and his friends that I didn’t feel like meeting. I wanted him to shut up desperately so I walked

up to him and kissed him roughly.

“Are you always this forth-coming?” he asked me panting when I released him.

“Just shut up and lie down,” I said while I pushed him on his bed. He was drunk enough not to care.

Even when I was fucking him hard he kept on talking. He was moaning dirty little obscenities that he

though would turn me on. I had the urge to smother him with a pillow just so that he would be quiet.

Finally I was horny enough to overcome my annoyance and I came with my hands tangled in his spiky

hair. Afterwards I just wanted to leave. I got up and started dressing again.

“What are you doing?” the guy whined. “You are not even going to stay for a drink?” “Believe me that’s

the last thing I want,” I snickered. I put on my shirt and started tying my shoestrings.

“So do you want my phone number?” he asked. “No thanks,” I said and I started walking towards the

door.

“Jerk,” he said and he threw his pillow after me when I walked out.

I went outside and closed my jacket. It was a cool night and the wind felt icy on my face. Although I

was freezing, I decided to walk to my own apartment. It wasn’t that far and I needed to think.

I thought about David of course. It was his senior year now. If he got accepted to Columbia as well, he

would be in New York in a couple of months. Maybe he was still up at this moment, it was 3 o’ clock and

he liked to stay up late in the weekend to watch stupid horror movies.

“Maybe he’s watching those movies with another guy now,” said a voice in the back of my head.

“Maybe he’s letting that other guy wrap his arm around him when he’s scared, just like you did. Maybe

that guy is feeling him up the way you liked to do. Slipping his hand underneath David’s shirt, feeling his

warm breath on his face. He might even be getting laid right now, that other guy fucking him the way you

just fucked that dumb asshole.”

“Shut up!” I told myself and my voice echoed the empty street.

Still, the voice in my head didn’t stop me from going to a Campus party for college boys the next day.

Large video screens blared dance remixes while some trashy go-go boys danced on a little stage. Drinks

were strong and expensive and I only had enough money to buy myself two rum and cokes before I was

broke. Luckily, one of the bartenders took pity on me and gave me a free beer when no one was looking.

He was kind of hot and I ended up with him in his apartment after closing time. I undressed him quickly as

we came in to his bedroom and admired his body. He was Brazilian, he’d told me on the way to his

apartment, and in perfect shape. After I fucked him he pretty much begged me to stay the night. I told him

he was being pathetic and left. On my way home I felt guilty though. The bartender, I didn’t even know his

name, was probably a nice guy. He’d bought me a drink and had taken me home, he deserved better than a

guy like me…

Sometimes when I talked to David on the phone, I told him a little of my exploits in New York. I never

called him; he always called me. When I was annoyed because his voice reminded me of how much I

missed him, I bragged about all the guys I’d fucked. “Jeez Michael, I never knew you were such a slut,”

he told me. His voice sounded pinched.

“Those are not proper words for a high school student,” I told him.

“You’re not being proper either, so why should I?”

“Seriously David, there are so many hot guys here, it’s almost too easy to hook up with somebody. The

other night I fucked a Brazilian waiter, can you believe that? And he had a body like a swimsuit model,

really trim…”

“Yeah but don’t you want a real boyfriend instead of fucking around like that?” he interrupted me,

before I could give him the more gory details of my night with the bartender.

“What the hell are you talking about, I’ve just turned nineteen. Why on earth would I want to settle

down at this age when the whole of New York is waiting for me!”

“I’m just saying that if it were me, I’d like to find someone who’s really in to me and who loves me…”

“You’re such a pussy David. I’m not looking for a guy to fall in love with.” “I just love you, no other

guy can compare to you,” I though but of course I didn’t say that last line out loud.

“Well when I get in to Columbia, you have to show me around! Do you promise?”

“If you get in to Columbia, I’ll take you out dancing some night if you really insist. It’s bad for my

reputation to hang out with my geeky kid brother too much…”

“I’m only a couple of months younger than you are,” he laughed, “and I’ll make sure you keep your

promise.”

I dreaded the day that David would come to New York. My feelings for him hadn’t disappeared, even if

I’d fucked a hundred guys since I moved out. With all those strange guys I sometimes felt like a kid in a

candy store where you can eat so much until you get sick. But I could never get sick of David. No matter

how many guys I’d fuck in their own dorm rooms or shabby apartments, I never fell in love. Nor did I

even like most of the guys I dated. In my mind there was only my annoyingly perfect stepbrother with his

dark curls and the sweetest eyes. He was the one that kept me awake at night while I came home after a

night of mindless sex. I was afraid that I’d never find someone who I’d want, as much as I wanted him.

7. David in New York

When David graduated from high school a few months later, the celebration was a lot more modest than

it had been for me. Instead of a big party we just went to a restaurant with our family. David was happy

though and that evening my dad was actually really nice to him. I guess he was a little proud of him after

all. David got his acceptance letter as well and after the summer vacation he started studying law at

Columbia too. He moved to New York with all his stuff and started living at Morningside Heights at the

dormitories as well. He made a couple of new friends fast; most were pretty geeky like him and they

played computer games together or hung out at ‘Forbidden Planet’ to browse through comics. Sometimes I

went with them to see a science fiction movie but David and I didn’t really see much of each other the

first couple of months.

When he called me to hang out I always told him I was busy studying or doing something else, even

when I wasn’t. The truth was that I still didn’t trust myself to around him much. Just seeing him during his

graduation had been enough to make my heart start racing. I thought about him each time I was with

another guy; it just wasn’t healthy.

“I know that you’re studying, but can’t we study together like we did in high school?” he asked me

when he called me to hang out.

“It’s too distracting, I need to be on my own,” I replied.

“You could always study at home when I was around. Do you remember all those times we studied in

your room together?” he asked disappointed. I remembered those times all too well. I used to study him

more than I did my books, watching him while he was reading on my bed, wearing his tiny shorts. Trying

to focus on history while part of his perfect ass was peeking out while he rested on his elbows to read.

“That was in high school, everything was easy then. I really need to focus now,” I said. It was kind of

true; I really couldn’t study that well with him around me. I had a paper due on international law and

foreign politics, which needed my full attention.

“But I thought we could hang out and talk a little more, and besides you promised to take me out when I

was in New York. I’ve been here for months now and we haven’t gone out a single time.”

“No I’m too busy this week,” I said resolutely.

“Are you sure?” he asked almost pleading, “Do you want to go out and grab a bite afterwards or go to

the movies when you are done studying?”

“Another time all right?”

“How come you never have time when I ask you to hang out but you go out to clubs three times a

week?”

“It’s none of your business how often I go out. I told you that I have to study this week. So get a life

David and do something on your own.”

“Fine,” he just said and hung up.

I felt guilty about not wanting to hang out with David, but at least I knew that he wasn’t lonely. There

were lots of other people who he could hang out with. He got invitations to parties and some of the other

students were constantly asking him to go out with them.

I did go out later that night, and ended up at a stupid drunken frat party. Some guy in my year had invited

me there for some free booze and I ended up in the middle of a room with lots of scarcely dressed

drunken girls and some boring jocks. Luckily someone came to my rescue; a tall very handsome darkhaired

guy handed me a beer and asked me if I wanted to escape with him to a better party. It turned out

that this guy would become my best friend.

“I’m Glenn,” he told me as he shook my hand. I thought I recognized him and it turned out that he was a

studying law as well, officially one year above mine. His eyes were hypnotizing, so dark that they seemed

black with the longest, blackest eye lashes that I’d ever seen on a guy and a very intense look.

“So what are you doing at this miserable excuse for a party?” he asked me loudly to overcome the

mainstream rap that was playing.

“I came for the free beer, but that was clearly a mistake,” I laughed.

“I know this club where they have the hottest go-go boys,” he said with a wicked smile. I had no idea if

he was testing me or if he actually already knew that I was gay.

“Let’s just go there then, the night is still young,” I said and together we left.

We ended up on West 57th Street, in a club where Drag Queens and Chelsea boys alike congregated to

dance and find someone cute to fuck. The music they played was not exactly my taste. However, Glenn

had been right about the boys. New York’s finest go-go dancers took turns on the platforms, tirelessly

working to entertain the crowd. And there were enough pretty boys on the dance floor for the both of us to

have fun with. I enjoyed this evening a lot more than all the times I’d gone out on my own. Glenn was

wickedly funny and he was very generous with buying drinks. By the end of the evening, we’d both picked

up a guy to go home with and we went our separate ways, only to make new plans for going out the next

evening.

A week after we’d met, we’d already seen each other three times and I couldn’t remember having such

a good time with anyone. It’s not like we were falling in love with each other. I was definitely not

Glenn’s type, he liked his guys dark-haired and small and he wasn’t the type of guy I could fall in love

with either.

Although we were both students, we always found the funds to go out. Glenn was living in luxury. His

wealthy parents rented him an apartment near Central Park. His dad, who was a Jewish cardiologist,

thought that Glenn was studying all the time and praised him for his efforts. In fact, there was no student

that I knew who partied harder than Glenn. And now I would accompany him at least two nights per

week.

When we went out, Glenn would pick someone up almost every night, but as the months progressed, I

was becoming pickier fast. The first couple of months of promiscuity had made it clear to me that I only

seemed to pick up guys who annoyed me in the morning. There was still only one person I wanted, even

though I took every precaution to avoid him.

While David was happy in his dorm with his new friends, I didn’t like my own dorm at all. I wished I

could rent my own place like Glenn did and after a couple of months I was able to find a small apartment

through the Off-Campus Housing Assistance. My dad helped me by paying the rent and even came over

for a couple of days to help me move my stuff together with David.

During the Christmas vacation David and I were both at home and I was constantly on edge. I was

annoyed with David, but mostly with myself. I didn’t want to sit at the dinner table eating turkey and listen